By: Lisa Hayes
It’s the age old question.
“How do I know if he/she is the one?”
It’s easy to make this a complicated question. There are a lot of things to consider when you’re thinking about your heart and future. I get asked the question a lot and many might disagree with my answer, but I’ll stand by it.
If you’re asking yourself the question, the answer is probably no.
When it’s right you know it. Period.
And if it’s not a “Hell Yes!” then this isn’t the final destination.
I know a lot of people think a relationship can develop and grow into being “perfect” so they’re willing to stick it out when they aren’t sure because there is potential. My mother told me early on, “Don’t marry potential, it will always disappoint. If you can’t be happy with him forever they way he is now, move on.” Truer words have never been spoken. Thinking if you work at it hard enough it’ll be perfect or good enough someday is a recipe for disaster. And let me tell you this.
It’s never going to be perfect.
What you’re looking for is someone you feel something so strong about that the imperfections are irrelevant. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about the kind of chemistry that makes you stupid. If something is going on that shouldn’t be, and you’re constantly trying to overlook it or justify it, that’s a no go. What you’re looking for is a person whos “flaws” disappear into the background because of how you feel when you’re with them. I’m talking about the kind of connection that helps you see the soul of the person that hides behind things that might otherwise irritate you.
Ask anyone who knows us. When I met my husband it was about as close to love at first sight as you’ll ever find.
However, here’s a little tidbit about us many people don’t know. We met on Match.com. Match provides you a lot of info about likes and dislikes before you meet a person. I sent him a wink on a whim knowing it would probably go nowhere, because there were at least a half a dozen things about me he clearly stated on his profile he either didn’t like or did like that I wasn’t into.
He didn’t want to date a woman who smoked – I did.
He didn’t want to date a woman who had tattoos and piercings – I’m covered in ink and pierced in places I won’t share here.
He didn’t want to date a woman with children – I did have kids at home. Don’t judge, he had some good reasons.
He clearly liked women who were the outdoors type – I’m a city girl through and through.
He was obviously into horses, and they played a big role in his life – they terrify me and I think they smell.
He preferred country living – good heavens, I don’t.
Some of those things might seem trivial. Some were pretty important. That said, the minute we met, none of it mattered. It was a clear, “Hell Yes!” I would have lived with him anywhere, and gladly fallen in love with horses if I had to.
I have a client who is irritated by dogs. A lot of women have dogs, and I’ve heard him talk about dating all kinds of great women with dogs, and inevitably the dog or dogs are a source of irritation. Recently he started dating a woman who he absolutely adores, and when he mentioned going on a walk on the beach, with her dog, and it was an after thought, it got my attention. When he talked about how cute the dog I almost fell off my chair and I knew he was with the right woman. That, “Hell Yes!” was bigger than the things he might have been bothered by without a question.
I’ve dated a lot of great men who were absolutely perfect for me on paper where despite the obvious “match”, I still had a lot of questions. These were men I was attracted to who had a lot of potential. However, I wondered why I wasn’t sure.
That feeling of not being sure is as big a red flag as any other red flag.
Ask anyone who’s in a relationship you admire how they knew they were with “the one”, and they’ll tell you, they just knew. They were certain, and they probably knew pretty early on.
It’s the kind of instinct you just can’t question. It demonstrates an undefinable kind of chemistry that’s required for a relationship that lasts a lifetime. It can’t be learned. It can’t be grown. It can’t be manufactured. It’s either there or it’s not.
Ask anyone who’s been divorced or even worse, in a twenty-year unhappy marriage, they will tell you they had questions they couldn’t answer about the relationship before they said, “I do.”. I have yet to see an exception to that.
If you’re in a relationship and you don’t know, I believe you do know. It’s hard to end a great relationship with “perfect” person because something you can’t define is missing. However, if you’re looking for something that’s going to last forever, that undefinable thing is incredibly important.
In relationships more than anything else, if it’s not a “Hell Yes!”, it’s a no go. Move on.
Certainty is absolute and there is no substitute.
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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Posted on 12/19/2016 at 09:22:00 AM