Studies have shown that approximately 70% of the time couples fight, it’s about something that happened in the past, most of the time, the far distant past. I would go so far as to say it’s probably much higher than that because even when a couple is fighting about something current, it’s usually triggered by something that happened in the past. It’s a vicious cycle. When fighting about past issues is happening a lot it’s also a sign the relationship is toxic. It’s an indicator that resentment has built to dangerous levels and resentment is like cancer in a relationship.
When something goes wrong in a relationship you have to be honest. Is the hurt forgivable? Was the act forgivable? It might sound harsh, but if something has happened that isn’t forgivable, you have to get out. Why? Because staying in a relationship where the unforgiven lives it becomes punishing for both parties.
If you do not want to leave you must forgive. That doesn’t have to mean forgive and forget, but it does have to mean forgive and move on for good. The past is the past unless you drag it into the present. In order to have a healthy a relationship you have to leave that past behind.
The rule of thumb here is 48 hours. Many ancient cultures believe the energy of an incident or event can last for between 48 and 72 hours. After that time, that energy disappears forever. What’s left is vapor. The thing that happened has expired. That means you cannot bring up something to fight about that is more than 48 hours old. Period.
This serves two purposes. First, 48 hours is enough time to cool off it need be, before a discussion. However, it’s not too long. It keeps things current and prevents unspoken resentments from building up. If you’ve only got 48 hours to get something off your chest you are likely to get in the habit of doing it.
Secondly, it keeps the energy in the relationship current, past crap free. It allows a relationship to grow without the weight of previous hurts and transgressions. Anger can’t stay alive without attention. So if you can’t bring up past hurt, sooner or later, and probably sooner, the hurt will cease to exist, because the thing that happened doesn’t really exist anymore anyway.
If you keep bringing it up, if you just can’t help yourself, it might be a sign whatever happened really is unforgivable, in which case, the relationship is already dead or dying, so you may as well leave. A relationship won’t grow strong into the future if any part of you can’t move out of the past.
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Posted on 10/11/2012 at 12:00:00 AM