How to Know if He or She is the One.


How to know if he/she is the one by Lisa Marie Hayes

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Of course, names and pertinent details in this I story have been changed to protect the privacy of my client, who’s happy to share her story with you.

Cheryl had been single for more than two years when she met Matt. She met him online and after their first date, she went home and called her sister to tell her she’d met Mr. Perfect. Matt had it all. He was handsome. He was smart. He was funny. He was successful. He drove the right car, and lived in the right neighborhood. Most of all, he was into her. In fact, Matt was really into Cheryl.

Cheryl liked him enough. However, as wonderful as he was, she spent a lot of time wondering why she didn’t feel more. She enjoyed his company alright. However, she didn’t crave him, and she wanted to. They got along really well. However, Cheryl couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life with this Mr. Perfect. That didn’t stop her from getting engaged.

She told him she loved him and she did. She convinced herself that “in love” was a product that sold romantic comedies, not a real thing in the real world. Cheryl was happy enough and she hoped she’d get happier.

So, in order to get happier, she started picking Matt apart. She stopped letting Matt be Matt and starting trying to re-engineer him into the Matt she thought she’d like better. So, she criticized. She scolded. She punished and withheld her love as leverage to get him to be something, anything different, so she could feel more than she did for the man she was going to marry.

Eight weeks before their wedding, when Matt walked out, he looked at her as he got in his car and said, “You aren’t the woman I fell in love with.”

And all at once, her heart broke open because she realized she’d been the one who changed. Cheryl was the one who needed to be different. More than anything she needed to be someone who was happy with herself.

The thing about love is this: It’s certain. When it’s right you know it and if you don’t know, it’ not right.

Sure, love grows over time. However, if it’s not there, there is no amount of manhandling the details that will make it grow. Cheryl knew Matt wasn’t the one. She could feel it in her bones. She wanted it to be right, but she couldn’t. Cheryl wanted it to be right so bad she tried everything she could to change Matt and became someone she didn’t like in the process.


The most accurate measure of the health of a relationship is who you become in it. It has so very little to do with how you feel about the other person and has everything to do with how you feel about yourself in your togetherness.

I’ve been in relationships where I wasn’t happy, and ultimately became someone I didn’t like. I’ve been in relationships that by their very nature and the nature of the space we created made me better. Fortunately for me, my marriage is the latter.

“Good enough” doesn’t stay good enough for long. Sooner than later it will turn on you. You don’t need a reason to change things up any more compelling than it’s not making you as happy as you’d like to be. The person who’s most likely to get hurt when you settle is the other person. Everyone deserves to be with someone who wants them.

Nine weeks after their breakup Scott met the woman he would marry on their honeymoon cruise that he took alone. It’s a story they all laugh about now. Cheryl stayed single by choice for a long while, right up until she met a man at work she couldn’t stop thinking about. Two years later thinking about him still makes her heart skip a beat.

And she wonders now, why she ever tried so hard to make something happen that never should have been.

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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

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