If Your Partner Does this One Thing They are NOT Your Soulmate

*This client story was happily shared with permission. Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Kalee was once an incredibly confident woman and accomplished performer. Her friends talked about how Kalee would light up any room, all eyes on Kalee wherever she went.

She used to be on top of the world. However, over the last three years, Kalee had slowly become another person. It wasn't one thing that changed. Slowly everything changed. Somewhere along the line, Kalee had dimmed her light. She was still beautiful, but she was a shadowy version of her former self.

Kalee made the decision to take an office job and put her music on hold. Scott wanted them to have a more predictable schedule and life to work around. They wanted to buy a house and needed both of them to have documented incomes for the mortgage. She wanted that house probably more than he did. So, she didn't mind making that change.

Kalee started seeing her friends less. It wasn't an abrupt shift. However, by the time we spoke, it had been months since she'd seen her best friend. She socialized quite a bit at work. By the time she got home after work and the gym, at the end of the day, she was tired and just wanted to "Netflix and chill."

She'd put on almost 40 pounds, and no one could figure out why. She was eating well and exercising a lot, putting on weight anyway. Kalee was working with a doctor who'd run every test in the books, but nothing explained her weight gain. Her energy levels were lower than they'd ever been.

Her mother was worried. In fact, most of her friends and family were worried. They planned a family dinner that was more like an intervention. They sat her down over spaghetti and meatballs to tell her very concretely they believed she was chronically depressed and they were suspicious Scott was controlling or abusive.

They believed Kalee started changing after getting together with him. No one could put their finger on anyone thing they'd seen Scott do. However, the timing of his arrival in her life seemed telling.

Kalee was devasted and defensive. She didn't agree with any of it. She denied being depressed. She didn't think Scott was controlling in any way. However, mostly to get them off her case, she agreed to talk to someone and get some help.

For the first two full sessions, I had with Kalee she spent most of her time telling me how great Scott was and in a lot of ways it was true. Scott had a lot of good qualities. And to be fair, it didn't seem like he was controlling. In fact, he gave her a lot of space. Kalee was convinced Scott was her soulmate.

On our third call, Scott showed up for the party. He seemed excited she was working with a coach and wanted to do a couple's call. He was charming. He was smart. And he was critical in the most subtle ways.

"Kalee is always late. It's no big deal. She's worth waiting for, but she can't get her act together getting out of the house."

"Kalee is beautiful, but she's obsessed with her looks. She has to put in a lot of time to look her best."

"Kalee isn't lazy. She's just naturally sort of apathetic."

"I think Kalee is amazing in every way. I have to tell my mother all the time how great she is."

Scott wasn't controlling Kalee. He was, however, slowly taking chunks of herself esteem. He did it subtly, often hidden behind something that sounded like a compliment. However, he did it a lot.

Over the three years, they'd been together, Scott's subtle criticism had done severe damage. It didn't happen all at once. It happened slowly over time, but as slow as it was, it was real. When we got down to the bottom of the truth, Kalee had gradually started believing every critical thing Scott said about her.

And here is the thing I am sure both you and I know, Scott is not Kalee's soulmate. The reason is simple.

Your soulmate lifts you up. Your soulmate will never pick at you or tear you down. There is no exception to that rule.

Anyone you plan to spend a lot of time with will have an impact on you. That's just the way it is. The person you share a life with will have a massive impact on you. If that person is consistently telling you something is wrong with you, eventually you will start hearing that on a heart level.

There is a lot of myth and mystery about even the idea of a soulmate. I'm not sure I believe we only have one soulmate. However, if we do have a soulmate or soulmates there would probably be one singular qualification for the job. Your soulmate sees and nurtures your light.

Your soulmate understands the best version of you. Sure, they see your flaws, but they love you despite them. Your soulmate doesn't have to effort to uplift you.


Kalee and Scott attended her sister's wedding several weeks ago. At the reception, Scott was talking to her sister's new husband and said, "Even though Kalee has put on all this weight, I still think she's sexy. I know she's trying." Kalee was standing right next to him. It was awkward at the moment and stung for the rest of the evening.

They broke up on the road trip home. Scott moved out of their home the next week. Kalee just refinanced the house in her name and got a roommate. She's lost 25 pounds since the wedding.

Just because someone thinks you walk on water doesn't necessarily mean they are your soulmate. However, if someone tears you down or makes you feel small, no matter how much they say they love you, they don't deserve another day of your time.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who made you feel small or insecure? Comment below and tell us how you handled it or knew it was time to get out.


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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

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