No One Wakes Up in the Morning and Decides to Be the Bad Guy – Ever.


I recently had the nauseating experience of having someone I called a friend go rogue in my life. She was a person I championed and trusted. I’d welcomed her into my home, and shared my hopes and dreams with her. I partnered with her on projects. We talked about things that mattered.

Then one day I woke up and things were very different. My friend had gone on a hate and lies campaign behind my back with epic rage and savage vengeance. Now, of course, it didn’t exactly materialise out of thin air. Some shit went down. Misunderstandings happened. However, when the dust settled, I was still shaking my head because I didn’t see it coming. I felt very betrayed and very victimised, neither of which is an awesome way to feel. Victimhood is never sexy.

How could someone I trusted turn into someone spreading hateful and ugly rumours and lies about me in less than a week?

And the answer to that question as unsettling as it was is simple: My friend undoubtedly felt victimised too.

No one wakes up in the morning and decides they are going to be the bad guy. Whether facts support it or not, almost everyone believes the stories they tell themselves and others. Humans are programmed to make themselves the hero of their own script. So, when opinions split, and it comes down to right and wrong, the bottom line is, there isn’t any such thing because everyone always believes they are right.

The higher ground is a very crowded place. Everyone thinks they are standing on it.
When conflict comes, and it will, there is an uneasy yet compassionate peace in being able to know the other person isn’t bad, wrong, or evil. They are human and humans are messy.

The person you are making a villain in your life most certainly sees themselves as the good guy and trying to make them “wrong”, is like trying to talk a fish into drowning themselves. The hotter the conflict is, the less likely it is anyone will ever budge.

There is one antidote to conflict, and that antidote doesn’t yield any clear winners. That antidote is compassion, and what it brings is peace. I’m not necessarily talking about a truce. I’m talking about a quiet and still knowing that the other person isn’t wrong, and neither are you.

And when you let that settle, there doesn’t have to be a victory for conflict to end.

Rumi says:

“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.”


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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

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