“But, I’ve done all of this stuff for you…”
Said no one, ever, in a healthy relationship.
I used to think a relationship was balanced when I was getting as much back as I put into it. You know, I’m there for you, you’re there for me. I can come to you if I need you and you know I’ve always got your back. It was a transactional kind of give and take that’s easy to measure.
Honestly, the simplicity of that kind of system works on face value.
If you’re consistently showing up for someone who never seems to be around when you’re in a pinch or even just feeling lonely, you might need to look yourself in the mirror and check your motives, because that’s not healthy, generous, or smart.
Relationships are never 50/50 for longer than few seconds. In the real world, it’s rarely that cut and dry.
My first marriage was the first relationship I ever had that had a catastrophic failure. I was young when we got married and young when we divorced. I didn’t have a lot of experience recognizing early warning signs.
Looking back, though, the most reliable predictor of a relationship that’s in a serious shit hole, was there with a spotlight on it almost every day. I routinely felt the need to justify my worth. I was always trying to point out to my husband all the things I was doing for him and all the ways I was important.
Every single word of that fell on deaf ears. He didn’t want to hear it. It didn’t have an impact on him and the harder I tried to convince him I mattered, the less valuable I felt. The less worthy I felt the harder I tried so I could have more reasons to justify my value. That my friend, looks like circling the toilet bowl.
Not a sign of good things to come.
You’re lucky reading this today because I just erased about three-quarters of this post where I unloaded two recent experiences where I’ve felt that way. No one needs to hear that stuff. Let’s just say, these are two very different situations where people that mattered to me made me question whether or not I’m valuable enough to take up space in their lives or my life for that matter.
They weren’t overtly saying I didn’t matter, but I knew from experience something unsettling was up when I starting doing that thing. I started running a circular, undulating, inventory of thoughts about everything I was doing and had done for them to make myself matter.
It’s important to do things for other people. Being generous is a loving act. However, when you’re doing it to reinforce your value or keep giving to someone who simply doesn’t notice, it’s time to reevaluate.
A relationship that’s worth keeping is one where you are valued for who you are, not what you do. If someone doesn’t appreciate you for who you are, you will never, ever, be able to do enough to make them appreciate you.
Plant yourself where you are celebrated. Invest yourself with people who see your genius and your beauty. Love people who love they way you love them – and then fuck the rest of them.
Really, fuck them.
If someone doesn’t like you enough to value you for who you are, you can do enough to make them like or love you. And you know what, not everyone is going to like you. You probably aren’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea. I know I’m not, and that’s ok.
However, you will know you’ve found your people when you feel like you are more than enough when you’re with them. It’s that simple.
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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Posted on 07/30/2016 at 12:00:00 AM