Kelsey and Shane have been dating for almost five months. They see each other several times a week. They’ve been sleeping together for most of that. Shane is still dating other women occasionally. Kelsey knows it because he doesn’t hide it. She chooses to believe he isn’t sleeping with anyone else. Kelsey cried herself to sleep last Friday night because she knew Shane was on a date while she was home alone. He was an hour late the next day to meet her for coffee. In the pit of her stomach, she knew why he was late.
Kelsey’s heart is breaking, but she doesn’t show it. She pretends it’s all ok. She doesn’t want to push him for commitment.
Shonda and Joshua have been dating four years. They moved in with each other two years ago. They love each other very much and Shonda has never been happier, however, it’s awkward every time someone asks about marriage. Joshua has a lot of reasons for not wanting to get married. Mainly his parents divorce was extremely painful for him and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever want to say “I do”. He’s happy with what they have. Shonda is 35. She wants to start a family. She thought she’d be married with kids long ago, but she isn’t. She pretends it’s ok. It’s not. Her baby sister just got engaged and
Shonda is 35. She wants to start a family. She thought she’d be married with kids long ago, but she isn’t. She pretends it’s ok. It’s not. Her baby sister just got engaged and Shonda is already making excuses not to go to the wedding. She doesn’t want to push josh. She loves him. She literally prays every night he’ll propose.
Eileen and Scott got married only six months after they met. It was love at first sight, a whirlwind courtship and a fairytale wedding. They’d dreamed of moving to France where her family lives and starting a family their own of right away. That was seven years ago. Seven. She’s been home to visit her family three times. Scott has been promoted to partner at his law firm. Eileen feels cheated but when she talks to Scott about what they’d agreed on he tells her he’ll deliver “someday”. She’s trying to put on a happy face, but secretly thinking about divorce. However, when she talks to her friends and family she tells everyone everything is wonderful. It isn’t.
Scott has been promoted to partner at his law firm. Eileen feels cheated but when she talks to Scott about what they’d agreed on he tells her he’ll deliver “someday”. She’s trying to put on a happy face, but secretly thinking about divorce. However, when she talks to her friends and family she tells everyone everything is wonderful. It isn’t.
If you aren’t standing up for your dreams no one will. If you are planning on settling for less than you’d hoped you’d better be fully prepared to let go of what you thought you wanted. The choice “not to push” for what you really want or need in a relationship is almost always born from fear of loss. If I push him, he’ll leave, and you know what? He might just do that. However, living with a breaking heart, or in a state of waiting, or with perpetual disappointment, is like living at less than zero. Ending it is actually looking up from there, it doesn’t feel like it, but it is.
Making any concession out of fear is voluntarily surrendering your power. Making concessions out of fear in a relationship is giving up your power to another person and it doesn’t work. Fear as a motivator is never going to get you where you want to go – ever.
If you really can get ok with a boyfriend that hasn’t stopped dating, do it. If it’s really alright that you may never actually get married, super. However, if you can’t get good with reality on every level, then it won’t work to stay. Sure the relationship might continue indefinitely, but you won’t be getting happily ever after.
Update from the coaching logs — approximately six months later.
Kelsey told Shane she wanted a monogamous relationship. Shane told her he couldn’t commit to that and they broke up. However, six weeks later he came back and was happy to commit. They recently got engaged.
Shonda told Joshua she needed to be married. They’ve worked together with some professional help to define what a marriage would look like for them. In the process, Shonda realized she didn’t need an “official” marriage. In fact, she didn’t really want one. She realized it was something she thought she should want. They announced to their friends and family they were expecting twins at their commitment ceremony a few weeks ago.
Eileen and Scott filed for divorce. She’s relocated to Paris but plans to return to the states in the fall to finish law school. Scott has moved on and is engaged to be married to a woman who already has children. Eileen is happier than she’s been in a very long time. It was hard at first, really hard. However, with the support of her family back home, she realized without a doubt she made the right choice.
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Posted on 03/12/2013 at 12:00:00 AM