I’ve been married for two years. For the most part, we have a great relationship. Our problem is, we are both very headstrong and have very big personalities. It was one of the things that drew him to me in the first place. I could see a lot of myself in him. However, now that we live together, I’m not finding that aspect of him, or me for that matter, nearly as attractive as I used to.
We fight about the stupidest things. It’s like a discussion about where to go for dinner can turn into a world war. To be honest, in the beginning of our relationship that fighting just fueled the passion between us. Now I’m starting to become suspicious, it’s dampening the passion, like a wet blanket.
We went to couples therapy for a few weeks. The therapist suggested there might be issues below the surface of our relationship we aren’t addressing, so we’re fighting about silly things. However, after six weeks of trying to unearth those issues, neither of us could pinpoint any big resentments. It just seems like although we love each other, we don’t get along. I’m married to a man I’m not good at living with.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting over stuff that doesn’t matter, while the things that do matter are getting lost in the mix.
At first glance I would probably agree with your therapist. Most couples who are fighting a lot about seemingly unimportant stuff are actually avoiding something else. However, I’m going to take your word for it when you say you think this is a personality conflict. You may very well be seeing that accurately.
I’m going to tell you something about men and women that is going to help you a lot here. Women want their way. Men want to be right. Neither one of those positions is better than the other. It’s not always the case. Occasionally there’s a shift in the dynamic, but generally speaking, that is the nature of things. Knowing that is really helpful.
So, based on that info, I’m going to give you a script that’s like a little relationship hack that should reduce the conflict in your relationship. It goes like this.
“You know what Sweetie, I thought about it, and I think you’re right. BUT I still want, ____________. So, can I have/do that anyway?”
It’s like magic. I promise. It’s a bit like relationship Kung Fu. You dodge and bend to avoid conflict. You give up being right or having the last word, to get exactly what you want. It might sound uncanny, but it’s true. Men really are biologically wired to provide whatever it takes to make their woman happy. Once the struggle over who’s right is over, they will move heaven and earth to deliver the goods.
This is going to require some retraining on your part. You’ve been locked in a very masculine style battle with your husband for more than two years now. However, with a little practice you can move into a more feminine stance and both of you will be happier for it.
*This email was shared with reader permission and names have been changed.
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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Posted on 03/25/2014 at 12:00:00 AM