The Affair

  • By
  • 11 Oct, 2017

The entire house is dark except for the glow from the nightlight in the bathroom down the hall and the streetlight shining in my bedroom window.

I can hear the clock ticking on the nightstand, and the dull roar of the engine of every single car driving by on the road leading into our driveway. I strain to listen to each of those cars drive by, hoping and praying one will slow down to turn in. None do.

The ticking sound from the clock is irritating me. It taunts me second by second as I try to fall asleep, hoping I won’t wake up until some time when all of this is over, or until I have to get my son to preschool, whichever comes first. I know it will be the latter.

I look at the phone numbers written on a worn scrap of paper on my nightstand. I know all them by heart now.

The first is is the number of the woman who supposedly quit being my husband’s lover awhile ago. I’m not supposed to know she exists. I’m not supposed to know her name or number, but I do. I know things about her I wish I could un-know. I know better than to dial it at almost 3 a.m., but I think about doing it anyway. I’ve done it before. I pick up the phone and set it down at least half a dozen times. I don’t really want to know if he’s there. If he was they wouldn’t answer anyway.

I think about calling my best friend. I know better than that too. I’ve done that too many times at 2:45 in the morning.

She always answers. It’s always the same conversation. She wants me to leave him. I want to leave too, but I’m frozen here, in the dark and in my life.

I have a four-year-old sleeping down the hall. I don’t want to raise him alone. I don’t think that’s right. I don’t think I can.

I can’t hold food down. I’m about to lose my job. I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror, but I can’t imagine life without him. I’m not sure why. This isn’t a life I want.

I stare at the number for the crisis hotline. “Am I in crisis?”, I ask myself, tears burning my face as they roll out in the dark. I’ve called that number before too. They aren’t really equipped for my kind of crisis. They don’t know where my husband is either. Last time I called them they suggested I take a bath and call my mother. I can’t call my mother. I can’t tell her the reason I’m up at 2:45 in the morning. I’m too ashamed.

So, I do the thing I’ve done so many times before. I dial the non-emergency, after hours number for the State Patrol.

Officer Brown answers like she has too many times before. I tell her again, I think my husband may have been in a car accident. I give her his info and a description of his truck. She asks me to hold while she checks. I wonder if she even bothers to look it up anymore. I bite the inside of my lip until I can literally taste blood while I wait.

When she comes back to the phone she calls me by name, like she knows me. “Lisa, there have been no accidents involving a vehicle with that description or anyone fitting that description. There have been no accidents in your County at all since before midnight.” She tells me in her most reassuring voice he’s probably on his way home. She suggests I try to get some sleep. As she hangs up she doesn’t say she will talk to me again soon, but I’m guessing she knows she will.

The first time I called the State Patrol I prayed he was safe. I was panicked and terrified. Now when I call I hope I secretly hope he actually has been in an accident. The thought of him being in the hospital or even dead is more palatable than the thought of him being in bed with another woman – which is exactly where I know he is.

When your husband is having an affair, there are two times of day that are gut wrenching. The first is about 7 p.m. when you realize he’s not coming home from dinner. Maybe he calls and makes an excuse about working late. Maybe he doesn’t bother. Either way, he isn’t at the dinner table.

The second is when 2:30 a.m. rolls around and you have to admit to yourself there is no place open that late where he could be “hanging out with the guys”. Bars closed a half an hour ago, and he’s not lying in bed next to you, but he’s somewhere.

There is a special place in hell for people who don’t call and just don’t come home. My husband will find himself there one day and that thought gives me some comfort. There’s nothing like the silence, the waiting at home alone and knowing you’re imagination is probably telling the truth when you spouse isn’t.

After hanging up from hearing Officer Brown’s now familiar voice, I put on headphones and music so I can no longer hear the cars that aren’t turning onto our street. I roll into a ball and I pretend I don’t exist, and it feels better. I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to be alive. I’m not angry. I’m exhausted.

That was more than two decades ago and I can still feel it in the pit of my stomach and taste it in my mouth, even though that part of my life has long been filed in the history books.


As all the details of the Ashley Madison hack are leaked, one by one, then painstakingly indexed onto searchable databases on anonymous websites sites, it’s become a news story we’re all watching like the Superbowl of relationship reality TV.

The numbers on this hack are so staggeringly high, that chances are someone you know will be impacted by it, whether they tell you or not. For every Josh Duggar story, there are literally tens of thousands of other husbands and wives, who find themselves sitting in front of a computer, staring at a screen, unable to breathe. Ordinary people in an extraordinary moment.

And in that moment you think you won’t ever breathe again, but you do.

I could have never imagined I would say it, but I am profoundly grateful my ex-husband was unfaithful. His affairs were a symptom of the truth. It was a truth I was unwilling to face. We were never meant to be together. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Being unhappy in and of itself would have never been enough for me to leave mine. However, he left our marriage long before we talked about divorce and because of that I was set free.

I don’t regret my marriage to him. I’m incredibly thankful for it, and not just because we had a child. It goes deeper than that.

I’m even more thankful it ended. In about one thousand ways, who I became was defined by those experiences. I love the woman I am now. I would have never become that woman who finds herself in a relationship with a man she’s deeply and profoundly happy with had I not been forced to grow up and thrive through and after divorce.

I’ve seen couples come back stronger than ever after an affair. That happens when both of them want it badly enough to do what’s really hard. In my case neither of us wanted it, and the affair was a way of untangling what we couldn’t untie otherwise.

An affair tells a story of a broken marriage. It sheds light on the kind of truth that’s unwrapped in the dark. It gives you a chance to be very intentional what you want to create for yourself and your family. It’s a painful way to be forced to move forward, one way or the other. Which way you move is entirely up to you and there are no intrinsically right or wrong answers to the hard questions.

An affair is a lot of things, but what it’s not is the end of the world. An affair is a beginning, an opening. It’s a crack of possibility even when it feels like dying.

Death and rebirth is what we do. Resistance is futile. Rebirth is usually painful, but where it leaves you is always better than where you were before, eventually. How long that takes is up to you.

If you want it to be sooner than later, don’t let yourself hide in the dark. Look for the light and grow.


Sharing is sexy. If you liked this post comment, share it, or pass it on to someone you love.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA  Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 14 Nov, 2017

She thought she loved him. She thought they’d be together forever. She thought she’d found her prince, and she wanted the fairytale. So, she didn’t raise her voice. She didn’t create any objections. She went with the flow all the time. She wanted to keep things light. She didn’t want to make a fuss when things weren’t perfect. 

He started showing up late or sometimes not at all. She pretended she didn’t notice. She never complained. She signed off on his excuses. Eventually, he quit offering them. He didn’t have to answer to her or explain himself. She didn’t require it. So, he didn’t bother. It was pretty simple. He quit being romantic. He quit making an effort. She didn’t want to nag. She didn’t want to be “that” woman. She didn’t want to be difficult or high maintenance. 

And it worked, or so she thought. The day she walked down the aisle, wearing in her mother’s wedding dress, marrying the man she thought she loved, she thought they’d have a perfect life together. They were getting married after all. It felt like everything was going to be alright on  that day. The pictures were so beautiful.

She thought her idea of what perfect should have been was unrealistic. She told herself, real life isn’t all that flowery stuff. Relationships are hard work. She was doing the hard work every day by settling. She tried to negotiate with herself. She tried to lower her expectations. She didn’t want to be disappointed. She told herself she wanted too much, but she didn’t ask for more. 

She told her friends she was happy in her marriage. They believed her, but the problem was, she wasn’t convinced. Everything looked great through the windows looking in. Things looked good on the inside too, but something didn’t feel right. 

He worked a lot. He worked late a lot. She didn’t complain. She would warm up his dinner at 10:00 p.m. when he got home. He rarely ate it. She ignored the voices in her head and the feeling in the pit of her stomach while she stared at the wedding pictures on the wall in the living room. She did her makeup every day. She kept the house clean. She went to work, came home and put dinner on the table. She often ate alone. She wore perfume that was supposed to enchant him. 

He was distant. But she told herself that was just who he was and she loved him - for better or for worse, she loved him. That was the vow she took, so she was doing it hard every day. 

She thought maybe she wasn’t pretty enough. She decided she needed to be different. Maybe she was too heavy. She went on a diet. She started running every day. She pushed herself too far, too hard, for too long almost every day. She wanted to be perfect. He didn’t notice. 

However, one day she noticed something. On her run through town, she noticed her husband sitting on a bench with another woman at the lake. She stopped dead in her tracks to catch her breath. It wasn’t the running that left her breathless. And from a distance she watched him. He was attentive. He was laughing. He looked in her eyes when she talked. And when he touched her arm in that very familiar way she knew without having to ask any questions. 

And she didn’t ask any questions. She didn’t want to hear the truth and she didn’t want to listen to a lie. She didn’t want to be confrontational. She figured it was her fault anyway. She thought she could do more. 

It didn’t happen that quickly. It took what felt like forever. But one day he walked in and told her he’d decided he needed a break. He said he felt a lot of pressure in their marriage. He told her he needed some time and space. He told her he needed to alone for a while. She didn’t ask too many questions. She sat on the bed and cried while he packed a bag. She hoped he’d be home soon.

He wasn’t alone for very long but that didn’t mean he came home. Apparently, he didn’t need that much time alone. He rented a hotel room for a few days before he moved in with her. When she asked him why he moved in with her so soon he answered the question in one short sentence. 

“Because she asked me to.”

Our girl, was alone, but that wasn’t really anything new. She’d been a lone for a long time. She got what she asked for, which in the end, turned out to be nothing. 

We get what we settle for in relationships and everything else. And here’s the thing, you know when you’re settling. You feel it in your gut. That fear of asking for too much is the short road to being alone even if you’re sleeping next to someone else every night.

Life, much like men have a way of rising to what we ask of them. Love tends to do what we expect it to do. If you continually lower your expectations because you are afraid to ask for what you want, you will end up without the things you need sooner than later. 

If she’d asked for what she wanted and he’d walked, she wouldn’t have lost anything because he walked anyway. She might have saved herself a year or two and a measurable chunk of her self-worth. But here’s the thing - I don’t think he would have walked.

Here’s what he said:

She acted like she didn’t give a damn. At first I thought she didn’t really care what I was up to or what I was doing. However, at some point, I became suspicious she didn’t give a damn about us.

She checked out of our relationship before we even got married. She wasn’t interested in what was happening with me. She was too passive to fight for our relationship. I know I sound like a child pushing boundaries to get attention, and maybe that’s partly true. However, when she quit acting like she cared I started thinking she didn’t.

I know relationships ebb and flow, but when we hit that ebb it was like she didn’t even notice. She didn’t care what I was doing so I did what I wanted to. I knew we were in trouble. I didn’t want a relationship that was convenient. I wanted a relationship that was real. She was never honest about her feelings and it led me to believe she didn’t have any.  

I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I didn’t think it mattered that much when I left. I’d been gone for a long time and she didn’t seem to bother her.

So, I left.  

The woman I’m with now is demanding. She’s loud. She’s smart. She’s seems to notice me when I’m there and notices when I’m not. I’m on my best behavior, not because she requires it, but because I want to show up for her. She sees me. She’s not afraid to say she wants me and frankly, I want that.


Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 06 Nov, 2017


I used to do quite a bit of work in political circles. I still find myself there from time to time. Recently in our state, like many, there has been an eruption of stories of sexual abuse and harassment by male legislators over the years in our state capitol. I suppose we have Harvey Weinstein to thank for all of this. His decades of abuse finally became the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back and now a lot of women are done being silent. It’s about time.

A few days ago I was talking to a friend about the “list” of men who work in our state capital that I’ve been given “the warning” about or who I’ve had personal experiences with that were inappropriate. That list is longer than it should be. It’s probably not nearly comprehensive enough. Women in every workplace quietly and politely share their list with new female co-workers. This is nothing new. What’s new is the friend I was sharing my list with is male. We were talking about it because now we’re all talking, and that’s probably a good thing, especially for men.

He’s a good guy. He’s a good friend. He’s a good enough friend that I’ve called him on very short notice to join me for meetings with men who are on the list of men I don’t meet with alone.

He’s shown up for that duty more than once without asking questions, knowing full well why he was invited.

There are a lot of  good men, and good men are finding themselves in really choppy waters right about now. They are having to navigate a lot of conversations and relationships with what feels like a target on their backs that they didn’t earn just because they are male. They feel the anger welling up in women. These good men are listening to the stories. They are reading the articles. They are affected on many levels.

The good ones are hearing the messages loud and clear. The challenge is, they aren’t the ones we needed to get the memo. We need the abusers and assholes to get on board, but they are not moving to the right side of this issue willingly. They are being moved through lawsuits and public humiliation. They are very busy right now victim blaming and dodging their history while the good guys are trying to find their way to man up responsibly.

The good guys are quietly struggling to find their way in relationships, especially the single ones. This is an excerpt from an email I got from a single client recently. He gave me permission to share it . “I have been talking with a woman in a department at work that I have very little contact with professionally. There is no reason for us to chat regarding work. However, we connect a few times a day. It’s been a lot of fun, but I feel really awkward right now saying, I think we’ve been flirting. I don’t’ want to be that guy.”

He went on to say he doesn’t think he’s crossed any lines. I, in fact, believe him. She often seeks him out. By all accounts, it seems like she’s into him. However, he’s found himself feeling very uncomfortable that this is happening in the workplace. He thinks he likes her. He’s thought about asking her out. He hadn’t worked up the nerve. Now, though, he finds himself avoiding her and that feels awkward too.

This man is a good guy. I know him. I’ve worked with him for awhile. The reason he’s hyperaware isn’t that he’s afraid of getting sued. It’s because he doesn’t want to offend her or put her in an awkward position. Because he’s such a nice guy, he’s really quite the catch. It’s not hard for me to imagine what this woman might be thinking right now. She’s probably wondering why he’s not interested in her anymore.

Players are not hard to miss. They are bold. They are flashy. They push boundaries for sport. Good guys have always been more difficult to spot. They are more likely to stand in the background vs. trying to be the center of attention. They are more subtle by nature. They may not have game and might be more prone to land in the friend zone.

The good guys are going to be harder to see than ever before right now because they are the ones asking themselves the important questions and they are way more likely to err on the side of caution. This is making dating even more challenging than it was before because the man you should be looking for might be even harder find.

For women, the power dynamic is shifting, because we are shifting it. That is a very good thing. However, the days may be gone forever where a woman can sit back and expect to be actively pursued just because she is a woman, especially if she wants to be in a relationship with one of the good guys. The good guy is going to be very weary of being too aggressive or crossing any boundaries. If you’re looking for one of them, you might have to make the first move or even the second and third moves.

If you want a relationship with a man who’s going to respect you, you might need to look for the guy that hasn’t made a move. You may want to be prepared to overtly let him know you’re interested in him by asking him out first. You may need to be willing to make the call enough times to let him know you want him to call. You might want to flirt more openly with the guy that doesn’t seem that flirtatious initially.

I’m not going to tell you how to spot or avoid a player or an abuser. I am going to say that if you want to attract a man who’s going to treat you like a partner and an equal, you’re going to need to look beyond the players and make your move with the guy who might not be making moves at all. That guy might be worth some risk. That guy will take more effort, especially initially.

Women aren’t prey.

We can choose men.

We can pursue and if we want to find relationships with really good men, we may have to pursue and that’s ok.


Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 02 Nov, 2017

I am not a big fan of the hustle. Hustle for the sake of being in the game or on the move is not my idea of fun. I don’t want to slay every day. I don’t need to be the Lady Boss of everything.  I don’t need to storm the world in what feels like a surprise hostile take over. I want a life that’s full of naps and meaning and sometimes what’s meaningful to me might not look like changing the world. It might look like petting my dogs.

We live in a world that’s driven by having, doing, and getting more.

I want my life to be a quiet ode to having enough.

I want to know I have enough always because I do and I don’t want to buy into anyone’s marketing game plan that tells me I need more.

I want to know in my bones I am enough, more than enough, because I am and so are you.

Life is happening now.

What’s happening now is the only thing there is.

Control is an illusion. Despite our best efforts we cannot control everything. We cannot control much. All there is, is the choice about what to do with the moment you’ve been given.

Change is the only constant force we can count on.

I want a life well enough crafted that I can be present to the moment I’m in with all of it’s glorious chaos or stillness.

I’m interested in late night discussions about dreams that are happening.

I’m interested in mornings that are so slow I can see my child growing.

I’m interested in raw, messy imperfection that is profoundly beautiful in it’s amalgamation.

I’m interested in the stories about the scars that make people beautiful.

Time stands still for no one.

I don’t want to conquer the world at the risk of losing time I will never get back.

I want to dance in the world because this dance is a gift.

I’m willing to be led most if not all of the time because life knows it’s way around magic.

There is only one path to beauty and it’s the slow path.

Presence takes time.

Enough is enough and I don’t want to need more.


Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 23 Oct, 2017


It’s Friday night and Erin is home alone again. She hoped he’d call. He said he might. He didn’t. So, she’s got Netflix and a glass of wine in her PJ’s. She scrolls the Instafeed. She’s jealous of her friends who are all out at a local bar listening to live music. It looks like they are having a really good time. They used to invite her to go places. They don’t so much anymore. She said no too many times. She has a boyfriend afterall.

He texts her about 11:00. He doesn’t even ask to come over this time. He tells her he’ll touch bases with her tomorrow to make plans. He doesn’t do that either. He does call her Sunday afternoon though. They talk for awhile. He ends up coming over. She cooks him dinner. They watch football. He stays the night. Erin was happy she finally got some time with him.

Monday morning at work everyone is talking about their weekend. Most of her co-workers did really cool things. Sailing, hiking, live music, an art exhibit. Erin sat around looking at Instagram, watching her phone for a text message, watched football, and got laid. She doesn’t like how she feels but she doesn’t know what to do.

Casey has been married for six years. She’s got a beautiful home and a job she likes but she’s bored. She watches him sitting on the couch buried in his laptop. He rarely looks up. He went hunting last weekend so she’s hoping they can do something together next weekend but she doesn’t ask. He tells her he’s working, but she can clearly see he’s watching videos and reading articles from FB. Even though she’s sitting next to him most of the evening, most every evening, she feels very lonely.

She tells him she’s going to bed. He tells her he’ll be there in a little bit. She takes her time getting ready to crawl into bed. She showers, brushes her hair, she even puts on a little makeup. She hopes he will notice her. However, at 2 a.m. when he finally crawls into bed, she barely stirs. She’s been asleep for more than two hours.

She doesn’t think he’s having an affair. She doesn’t think he’s flirting with anyone online. She just thinks surfing videos and articles about investing are more interesting than she is. She can’t blame him, but she’s angry anyway.

The next day at work it’s announced there is a position coming available at her firm. It would be a promotion for her. It’s pretty much her dream job. She reads the job description, takes a deep breath and closes the email. She’s not sure she’s good enough. She doesn’t feel like taking risks right now. She decides not to apply.

Erin and Casey have very different lives but they have some things in common. They both feel invisible in their relationships. They’ve both been ghosted by partners that haven’t actually left. They’ve both put their lives on hold hoping a man will give them some attention and entertain them. They are both lonely because they’ve bet on a man who isn’t delivering connection, or much of anything else.

A few days ago, I talked to a man. We’ll call him Scott. Scott has been with his girlfriend for almost a year. He’s thinking about ending it but he’s torn. He says he still has feelings for her. When I asked him why he might want to end it he replied, “She used to be so interesting. She was the most interesting woman in any room. She always had something going on. We could talk for hours about anything. In the beginning I couldn’t wait to see her. She wasn’t always available. She spent a lot of time with her friends and family. But somewhere along the line the Friday night, Saturday night date became assumed. She quit going to her yoga class. She quit taking her art lessons. She quit going hiking with her friends. I feel responsible for her. I don’t like that feeling. We just don’t talk like we used to. I hate to say it, but she’s boring me.”

When a man says he’s bored with a woman, women almost always think he means sexually. That’s almost never the case, at least in the beginning. It can creep into that territory pretty quick, but it usually starts with him being bored with her in general, because she has given up everything that made her interesting to clear the decks for him. I have a close friend who gave up every weekend for almost a decade waiting for a phone call that rarely came and didn’t even notice she’d disappeared from her own life. I’ve been guilty of it more times than I care to count in smaller but still corrosive ways.

A man will lose interest in a woman who’s waiting around. Some would say it’s about that game of pursuit that men seem to like so much. However, I think it’s more fundamental than that. Waiting around is boring and it makes for a boring woman. A woman that puts her life on hold for a man stops being as attractive because her light dims. It doesn’t matter if she’s dating him for a few weeks or if she’s been married for  a decade.

If you want him to love you the way he did in the beginning, be the woman he fell in love with. Chances are pretty high, that woman had a life.

* Client stories have been shared with permission and names have been changed.


Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA  Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 17 Oct, 2017


I'd like to be the one woman in the world who updates her Facebook status today to say, "Not me. It didn't happen. Nothing to report here."  However, let's be honest, anyone who knows me knows that's not really true.

Maybe the volume of "Me too" posts on Facebook are shocking to men. However, there's not a woman on the planet who is surprised. But I didn't change my Facebook status and I've had to do some soul searching as to why. I like myself some political discourse. I like to take a stand and get loud about it. I usually enjoy kicking up some dust more than most.

I've had three media requests today regarding the "Me too" protest. I've had clients who know my story ask me why I haven't yet changed my status. I am struggling to answer that question for fear of sounding like I don't stand with the women who've stepped forward. I do stand with them. I've devoted a large part of my professional career to supporting them in their healing and transformation.

The fact that every single woman I know has at a minimum been harassed, does not take into account that the vast majority of men aren't that. This might be exclusionary politics of separation by villainizing men. That might not useful. Just short of half the population are male. If we don't start healing men we're never going to break this cycle.

What if toxic masculinity was a mental illness?

What if we are villainizing an entire population people who need helping and healing?
What if it were treatable with therapy or medications?

I firmly believe we can only resist so much. Finding our own power and voices is only half the battle and you can't fight half a battle and win.

We will never dismantle the patriarchy until we heal our men.

I'm rapidly developing a theory that toxic masculinity is a mental illness that a subset of our population, specifically white males are more susceptible to. All kinds of mental diagnosis run more dominantly in certain populations.

What if these men were quite literally mentally ill and we're blaming them for a mental disorder without even the consideration of treatment??

I've named it Aggressive Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Hyper Dominance Motivation

Aggressive Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others.

When power is threatened, anger is a likely emotional outcome and even likelier when dominance motivation is higher.

They actively seek the superior or dominant position in any relationship or encounter. There is a saying in the real estate business that there are three things that really matter: location, location, and…location. With aggressive personalities, there are three things that really matter regardless of the situation they’re in: position, position, and…of course, position!

They abhor submission to any entity that one might view or conceptualize as a “higher power” or authority. However, they are comfortable in power structures that support their views and beliefs.

They are fundamentally at war with anything that stands in the way of their unrestrained pursuit of their desires. That often means the rules, dictates, and expectations of society. Some will accede to or give assent to demands placed on them when it is expedient to do so, but in their heart of hearts they never truly subordinate their wills.

They are ruthlessly self-advancing, generally at the expense of others. They actively and deliberately seek to exploit and victimize others when to do so will further their own ends. Whereas the narcissist simply doesn’t consider the rights or needs of others, the aggressive character tramples the rights and needs of others to satisfy their own desires.

They have a pathological disdain for the truth. Aggressive characters don’t just disregard the truth, they’re actively at war with it. Truth is the great equalizer, and the aggressive personality always wants to maintain a position of advantage. So, they deliberately play very loose with the truth when they’re not flat out lying to con or dupe you. They don’t want you to “have their number.” That upsets the balance of power.

They lack internal “brakes.” They don’t arrest themselves when they’re on their missions. Like a rolling train with no means to stop, they exercise little control over their impulses.

Does that sound like toxic masculinity to you? If it does we've got some serious rethinking about how we see toxic men because the DSM 5 indicates this is a disorder that should be treated.

Maybe women aren't the only ones who need liberating.

I'm not attempting to make excuses for abusers. I'm also not suggesting that every asshole needs to be rushed to a psych doc for meds. However, I am saying that as women, being lost in our own pain might be blinding us from seeing we aren't the only ones who need healing.

The patriarchy is sick. A lot of men are sick. A lot of men obviously need help and that help might have to start with us.

I want to be remembered as a woman in the period of history where women collectively said, " No more. Never again. Not to me or any other woman. " I think we are that generation of women who have the strength to do just that.

However, there is no liberation until everyone is whole and many of our men are neither whole nor are they well. Selective compassion is not going to heal us.

If we looked at toxic masculinity as a mental illness I think we might be doing things slightly or massively differently.
I think it's worth a try.


Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 13 Oct, 2017


I recently talked to a woman who was bombing a lot of first dates. She is gorgeous. Her online dating profiles get a lot of attention. She gets a lot of first dates but almost never gets a second one. She's been single and dating for more than three years and has never gone on a third date.

She thought it was all about the men. She had a lot of stories about how unavailable or unreliable men were. Not too surprisingly, she started attracting a lot of unavailable and unreliable dudes. In fact, the men in her life that had always been there like her brothers or her friends started behaving really dodgy.

I know this woman, and I know she's been on some first dates with some incredible men who made amazing partners for other lucky women. The truth is, the men aren't her problem. She is the common denominator on all those first and only dates.

Here's the truth: She is a very nice person. However, she isn't very likable, especially at that first impression. While I know she has a heart of gold, she comes off as cold and demanding a lot of the time. It's probably a defense mechanism. She works in a very male-dominated profession. However, that all business, somewhat harsh demeanor is eclipsing her beauty, on the inside and the outside.

There is a difference between being nice and being likable.
We've all met people who were very charismatic but not that nice under the layers of likability. However, it doesn't matter a lot how nice you are on the inside, if people don't like you, they probably won't bother to get to know you much past that first impression.

There is a science to likability. A lot of it has to do with chemistry. However, there are a few basic tweaks we can all make to be more likable and engage with people more openly.

1. Smile and make eye contact.

I am an introvert through and through. This one isn't always easy for me. However, it's required for connection, especially early connection. People subconsciously gauge approachability by eye contact. Very scientific studies have proven we find people who smile more attractive and more interesting.

Unless you're a super extroverted open book, chances are high you will probably benefit from smiling and making more eye contact than is naturally comfortable. However, once you get into the swing of it, it becomes more natural and gets easier because connecting happens more naturally.

2. Listen to the other person talk like you actually give a crap.

Learn people's names and use them. People like the sound of their own name.
Start every encounter curious. Make a point of learning something new from everyone you talk to.
Ask questions that indicate you're paying attention.
Make the person you're talking to feel like the only person in the room.

3. Be willing to share something about yourself.

We all know it's not sexy to make any conversation all about yourself. However, it's also not sexy to be a closed book.

A certain amount of vulnerability is required for connection. You want to give people something to remember you for.
If you focus all of your conversation on the other person, it starts to feel a bit like an interview or an inquisition.

4. Think about what you like about the person you're interacting with.

Focusing on what you like about a person changes the energy of a conversation. That energy is palpable. The person you're communicating with will subconsciously feel more liked. Everyone wants to be liked.

Additionally, stating the obvious, you will enjoy the interaction more if you're intentionally focused on what you like instead of defaulting to being critical or disinterested.

5. Reach out and touch someone.

A little bit of touch goes a long way.

The amount of touch that's appropriate will obviously vary based on the situation. However, even at a first encounter, a little physical contact increases likability. That's why either a handshake or a hug is almost always socially appropriate.

A touch on the arm, or the shoulder subconsciously creates a connection. Studies have shown people are 70% more likely to remember the names of people who hug them.


Sharing Is Sexy. If You Liked This Article, Share, Comment, Or Pass It On.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 13 Oct, 2017

I am a hybrid in birth order. I am a youngest/only child. My only sibling left for college before I was born. So, I was raised as an only child. Occasionally, I wished for a sibling to play with, but for the most part, I liked having all the attention my parents had to give to myself.

I never felt lonely for very long. Whenever I wanted a playmate, I made one up. I always assumed my imaginary friends and companions were better than any sibling other kids had. On any given day I was playing with fairies and elves then the next day I'd be playing with astronauts or explorers in faraway lands. None of those friends ever wanted to take my toys or argue with me.

My imagination has saved me from the angst of boredom all my life. Give me a few minutes alone with nothing to do and I can transport myself just about anywhere. My imagination, for better or for worse, is also my most powerful deliberate creation tool.

The challenge is, more times than I care to admit, my imagination, steered by worry, can drift to pre-tending things I don't actually want. We all do it. Let's face it, worry in any form is only imagining an outcome that's not preferred.

And here's the thing: Imagination is an active, creative conversation with the field of infinite potential.

Everyone is looking for that one magical deliberate creation tool that will shift their lives on the dime. A lot of people are doing many practices every day hoping to get more traction creating something new. However, often too many tools and too many practices start to feel like too much work. All that work isn't necessary when imagination is a tool you can leverage at any moment or even preferably all day long.

One tool can shift everything in on the dime, and you're doing it all day long anyway. If you can get your imagination working for you, instead of against you, you've mastered deliberate creation and life all in one big magical wave of the wand.

1. Imagining Powerfully Imprints The Field Of Potential.

The science behind deliberation creation tells us that all possibilities are bound into the physical through quantum measurement. Quantum measurement is nothing more than observation.

When you are pre-tending, you are sending a series of high-octane observations into the quantum field. Putting it simply, the Universe can't tell the difference between "real" or "imagined" input. If you pretend long enough, the physical universe will have to fall in line.

2. Imagination Shifts Your Emotional State Instantly.

If you are doing a good job imagining anything you naturally slide into the desired emotional state of that thing effortlessly. You don't have to wrangle your emotions. They naturally align.

The bottom line is, the only reason you want anything is that you think it will make you feel something different. If you imagine well enough, you'll get that up-leveled feeling state before anything "real" changes.

It might take a little practice to nail the feeling part of imaging. However, once you do, you've already won the lottery. You got what you wanted out of your desired outcome.

3. Imagination Changes Behavior And Behavior Creates Results.

Let's say you want to be rocking a size six. If you wake up in the morning imagining you're a size six girl you're going to start behaving like that size six girl will behave. You'd have to. A size six girl probably does things differently. Chances are pretty high, that's going to yield some results.

Same rules apply for anything you want to create in your life. If you start pre-tending, you're already there, and you're probably going to be doing things differently than you were before and magic unfolds with a lot less effort. It's a little bit like hitting the fast-forward button on creation.

The shift is internal. It's an identity shift. However, the external behaviors of that identity shift will move the dial in your physical world.

The key to make believe is fun. If you're going to pretend your way into a life, you love you've got to be light with it. Children have it figured out. They don't stress over the pretending. If you're not having fun, it's not going to get you anywhere. So, lighten up and play your way to where you want to go.


Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 13 Oct, 2017


This morning as I sauntered to my altar to do my meditation I felt it viscerally. I am not drawn to that space. I'm forcing myself there daily rather than being there out of a sense of devotion or joy. I'd like to say I go out of habit, but I don't think that's true. Habit would be easier. My daily time at my sacred space is feeling more obligatory than sanctuary.

I've been craving sacred lately, carving it out however and wherever I can. A lot of us are feeling that way right now. Instinctively the sacred feels like an antidote to the chaos that's spinning out there.

So then why?
Why aren't I feeling connected to the space that's intended to be most centering and grounding for me?
Why does sitting there feel punishing instead of replenishing?

This morning I walked away from the altar unsatisfied in every way without even sitting down. But as I walked away I saw it with fresh eyes and the truth of that space was crystal clear.

My altar is a patchwork of a dozen courses I've taken and a reflection of a library's worth of books I've read. It has trinkets and tokens of practices I wanted to love. It's a shrine to the wisdom of others. It's beautiful to look at, but when I see it with my heart, I see everything and everyone but myself.

There is no cure for what's ailing me that's out there. But Goddess knows I can search for it out there anyway. I have it in me to think someone else might have a secret I don't know when it comes to my sacred journey. I have outsourced the direction my most sacred spaces inside and out to people who don't know me.

My altar is a shrine to the genius of other people with wisdom in practices that are not mine. It's a symbol of disconnection rather than connection. In a desire to go "deeper" or look for a quick magical fix it's easy for me to lose myself.

I'm in the spiritually based personal development business. I think a lot of people could transform their lives by taking a deeper dive into learning about spirituality. Reading the books, buying the stuff, spending time in the sphere of a teacher can be life transforming. However, the key is to find yourself in the teachings vs. trying to recreate yourself to be a knock off of a master.

When it comes to the depths of my soul, no one can be my guru but me.

The same rules apply to you. You are your own best guru. No one else can feel the stir of your heart. You aren't going to find your fire in the pages of a book. It's your life work to examine the DNA of your soul, then figure out who to sooth it and grow it on your unique journey to your specific brand of enlightenment.

For me today, the most important work is dismantling a stale altar. But I know that's just a start.

1. Look to your ancestors.

Spiritual roots live in your DNA. I believe that in a literal way. My ancestors live in me in ways I will never fully comprehend. Their spiritual longings are alive with me always.

Ancestral cultures lived their spiritual practices as a method of survival. Wherever your people were from, chances are very high they were a living embodiment of spiritual practice in a way most modern cultures are very disconnected from.

Explore your ancestry for clues to a sacred path that will inevitably feel familiar on some level. Maybe you will have to modernize it to practice it, but undoubtedly you'll find something in your family history that will resonate.

2. Look to the traditions of the native cultures of the place you live.

We live where we live for a reason. It's rarely as accidental or incidental as we might like to think it is. Land draws us back to echoes of lives lived before. Native cultures in all their diversity can tell you a story of who you were before you were you.

Co-opting and appropriation are real. Being a tourist in a spiritual tradition that isn't yours by blood might be disrespectful if you can't honor the what you don't understand. However, you might find an essence of something that feels truly sacred to you in the native culture of the place you live that surprises you.

You are where you are for a reason. Be curious and explore.

3. Notice the traditions of places and cultures you are drawn to.

Everyone knows I love Hawaii. The pull I feel to the islands almost defies logic. When we're getting on the plane to leave sometimes, I can hold back the tears. Sometimes not so much.

Yes, I love myself some palm trees and tranquil blue waters. However, if I'm deeply honest with myself, I have a profound love for the culture and traditions of the Pacific Islanders. The teachings of Huna philosophy make more sense to me than most.

A strong pull to a place that is not your home or your ancestral home might provide some clues to a spiritual path that has roots for you even if it doesn't make sense at first glance.

4. Look at your home and spaces for signposts of the sacred.

If you walked into my home, you'd inevitably guess I am Buddhist. There are Buddhas big and small everywhere. While it's not exactly true, my connections to Buddhist traditions run deep in my spiritual practices.

When I get passed the first pass at checking out my home, I see other layers of my soul everywhere. There are bottles of concoctions and hidden boxes of incense everywhere. I'm always dragging the natural world from outside into my home. The ocean is a constant presence in my most sacred spaces.

Your home will hold clues for you if you look at it with fresh eyes. We tend to surround ourselves with icons of our essential nature.

5. Take an inventory of the books you've actually read and put to use vs. the books you bought and didn't touch or finish.

A lot of us have spirituality shiny object syndrome. We tend to jump from one shiny new thing to another because the proverbial spiritual grass is always greener. However, you're going to stick with things that sing to your soul.

You will make time to master stuff that's in your heart or your blood. So, pay attention to the kinds of spiritual practices that have lasted longer than it took the new car smell to wear off. It will give you some clarity.

Instinct is more powerful than any distraction when it comes to a spiritual practice.

6. Make it yours.

Most spiritual traditions are packed with rules, processes, and protocols. Most of those traditions were set in stone hundreds if not thousands of years ago. A lot of-of that stuff is not practical, at least for me, in its entirety today. That doesn't mean I need to scrap it all - I can cherry pick the parts of things that have practical meaning for me today.

There are probably five traditional spiritual paths that have a lot of juice for me. Parts and pieces of those sewn together in meaningful ways have become what I would call the foundation of my law of attraction practice. It doesn't have to be all or nothing on any one path.

Finding yourself may mean finding parts of yourself in lots of different places. That's ok as long as you're practicing what you find.


Sharing Is Sexy.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 13 Oct, 2017

One of the biggest myths about relationships is that they are or should be 50/50. It just doesn't work that way. I've spent my lifetime observing my parent's 70+ year marriage. It's one of the healthiest relationships I've ever seen. It's never been a 50/50 proposition.

Most of the time both of them put everything they had into their marriage making it more of a 100/100 kind of arrangement. However, honestly, there have been times when one of them put a little less in the mix than the other. Neither of them ever fully checked out. However, over a lifetime on occasion, one of them has had less to give than the other, and when that happens, the other partner just takes up the slack, and they get on with it.

The thing that's made their relationship roll all these years is both of them are invested in some measurable way, all the time. Over time that investment has created balance and equilibrium. It doesn't have to be exactly 50/50 to be balanced when you're in it for a lifetime or even a long time.

That said, it needs to come close. The bottom line is, if you're investing more in a relationship than you're getting out of it for very long, eventually, that relationship will become unsustainable.

Here's the thing: energy is a currency, and you can't spend what you don't have for too long without paying the price.

Relationships require energy, but they should also provide energy. That's where the magic is. You might give more than you actually have, but you'll be getting more than you need in return in a healthy relationship.

What you might get out of a relationship is very personal. It varies widely depending on the circumstance and situation.
It might be appreciation.
It might be love.
It might be emotional support or an emotionally safe space.
It might help around the house or even money.
It could be anything, but it needs to be something of value to you.

I've been in relationships where I took more than what was given to me. Those relationships don't exist anymore. Go figure.

Recently, I've invested in a couple of relationships that haven't given me much, if anything, in return. I'm not digging those relationships. In fact, it's safe to say they are over. Those relationships have made me question all of my relationships and how I'm doing them. Those questions are important.

The problem is sometimes it sneaks up on you. You think a relationship is working in balance and then one day you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you're lost. Maybe you noticed you were giving more than you were getting back. Maybe you didn't. Sometimes you get so distracted by the giving, that you don't realize you're all tapped out until the relationship is either over or on the brink.

Here are the top six signs you're giving more than you're getting in a relationship. Any one of these signs is an indicator you've got a serious issue in your relationship. A combination of them or all of them means you need to take action now. That action might be a recalibration of the relationship, and it might mean it's time to let it go and move on.

1. You Find Yourself Constantly Trying To Justify Your Worth When It Should Be Obvious, Either In Your Head Or To The Other Person.

When you're spinning around in your own head about how much you are doing for someone or how often you are there to hold things together or pick up the pieces, that is a good sign things are out of whack.

This dialog, either internal or external almost always starts with, "But I'm__________________."
But I'm a good mother.
But I'm a good friend.
But I'm a good wife.
But I'm always there for you.

The "but" indicates you're worth isn't being valued or reciprocated. Anytime you're justifying your worth to anchor your value, a relationship is seriously out of balance.

2. You're Fighting Back The Ever Pressing Drumbeat Of Resentment And Irritation.

This feels like choking down a healthy helping of "f*ck you" all the time. You know you aren't appreciated, and you're finding it difficult like the person you're supposed to love.

They are irritating you. The fact that they breathe is annoying. And yet, you keep trying, and nothing you do is good enough to be satisfying for anyone, especially you.

Resentment is like the terminal cancer of relationships. Once it gets going, it's hard to stop, and it will eventually kill every good thing that was once there. The first sign of resentment is usually irritation.

3. You Are Tired, Physically, Emotionally, And Psychically.

You look tired.
You feel tired, clear to the bone.
No matter how much you sleep, you can't shake it. You're exhausted. So, you take more vitamins, get more exercise, and take naps, but you're still tired.

Exhaustion isn't always physical. Emotional exhaustion happens when you are putting out more than you're taking in. You can't rest your way out of emotional exhaustion, but you will probably try.

You tell yourself "self-care" is the key. So you keep popping the vitamins and going to yoga only to look in the mirror and realize your body is sending you a message about your emotional state. That message is you're giving more than you have to give because you aren't getting enough in return.

4. You Are Anxious Over Everything For No Particular Reason.

You're afraid of your shadow. You've got a feeling of dread you can't shake. All signs point towards everything is mostly ok, but you feel unnerved about everything and nothing at all, all at the same time.

You find yourself wondering why you aren't satisfied when so many things are going well. You have a generalized feeling of concern over stuff that you know will work out. Maybe you feel anxious about your relationship, but probably it's more likely you feel anxious about everything.

You've ignored the voice in your head that's telling you something is very wrong in your relationship so long that the voice has started screaming at you about everything, just to get your attention. It's working. It's got your attention, but instead of focusing on what needs to be addressed in your relationship, you're spinning out on everything else.

5. You're Stuck In Almost Every Area Of Your Life.

Your LOA practice has flatlined.
You've forgotten what your goals were.
Every area of your life feels like treading water.

You're not working towards that promotion anymore. You're just hoping you won't get fired.
You're not thinking about being healthy anymore. You're just at war with your body over that fifteen pounds you've put on.

There are a lot of distractions that are preventing you from looking at the one area of your life that really needs addressing. A relationship that is sucking you dry affects every area of your life, not just that relationship. Sooner or later you can't hide from it because it starts spreading itself out over too many parts of your life.

6. You Are Afraid To Say Anything About What's Not Working For You For Fear The Other Person Will Unplug From The Relationship.

Let's be clear, someone who really loves you or even cares for you passively is not going just to walk when there's a conversation or even confrontation to be had. If the power dynamic is that out of whack the relationship isn't much of a relationship anyhow. Either you've got some deep personal work to do around worth, or your partner is mostly already gone.

I've been there. I know how it feels to be fearful of rocking the boat. I've had someone I loved very much threaten me with disappearing if I asked for too much. I've also been in situations where I was afraid of asking for what I wanted with no particular evidence that it would go wrong. The problem was in me.

I know it's easier to say than swallow in real life, but if someone is going to leave you because you say the wrong thing, or ask for your needs to be met, good riddance.


Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

By 13 Oct, 2017

I'm not going to lie. I should have seen it coming. I should have just cleared the months of July and August in advance. There was an omen, and I knew it was a forebearer of some messy change the minute I realized what it was. Several weeks ago I noticed my yard was teaming with crying crows. They were screaming in fact, and there were a lot of them.

I tried to feed them. I gave the crows yarn and tiny shiny objects. I played them music. I talked to them. I attempted to calm them for several hours before I realized what had happened and when I figured it out, the feeling of foreboding was persistent.

I sent my husband a text: "You need to come home now. There are two dead crows in the pool. Their friends are super fucking upset."

Yes, I'm a baby. I'm not the girl who's going to fish the dead crows out of the pool by myself. Don't judge.

We buried the crows with the most sacred ceremony possible. We decorated the grave site. I left offerings for their friends for days. However, it left me unsettled. I knew I was waiting for something, and I didn't know what it was. I know what crow medicine is, but I researched it relentlessly anyway.

Bottom line, two dead crows is probably not a great omen no matter how you look at it.

I didn't have to wait that long to start to figure it out because within the week a series of unrelated, but persistently unending events started rolling through my life and continued for weeks.

Some of those events were just the worst, the kind of seriously horrible things that make me want to go to bed and not get up. Some of them were amazing and nearly miraculous, but still, reality shaking and challenging to process.

I know my pattern. I tend to do all of my hard stuff at once in big batches. I feel things intensely, so it's not surprising that once I get on a roll, I attract more intensity in kind. However, as I think back on those crows, I have a particular kind of peace that this was all going to happen no matter what.

On the front end of this shit storm, my husband and I went to Vegas for our anniversary. There was no gambling or casinos. There was simply a spa retreat hotel room and a pool with a waitstaff at the cabana. I have found myself saying out loud and in my head, more times than I can count, "I just want to go back to Vegas."

It's not the bright lights, loud music, and expensive food that has me craving Vegas. It's the retreat, the solitude of that room. It's the nothingness of being anonymity in the crowd. I'm intending we're on the other side of the chaos as of today. However, we all know how this system works. If I've ever going to get enough wind in the sails to get out of chaos, I have to activate peace. That fact that I'm craving Vegas gives me some solid clues about what might be next. Peace and respite are the orders of the day.

I usually don't write publicly about the crap that goes on in my life until I'm well on the other side of the storm. However, today I'm making an exception. I going to share my the vibration repair process I'm putting into effect today.

I'm sharing because I know I'm not the only one going through massive shift storms right now. I'm also sharing it because a little accountability goes a long way in my world. So, I'm committing to you; this will get shifted starting now.

Here are the household rules for vibration rehab:

1. Turn Off The TV.

Yes, there are natural disasters. Yes, our political system is a rolling train wreck of unimaginable proportions. Yes, the world might feel like it's falling apart. However, my fragile vibe just can't take it right now. So, we're turning off the noise for now. Not forever - for today and the next few days, the durations of which is still to be determined.

CNN alerts are not important enough to risk making my precarious mood even more unstable. Being in the know isn't helping. So, we're unplugged, and it's not easy. I've become very addicted to the adrenaline of the news cycle. But I'm willing to do the detox. It's important.

2. Stop Talking About It.

I'm willing to talk about my feelings. Feelings matter. Talking about them might be healthy.

It's not easy. I want to rattle off a twenty point checklist of doom right now. However, repeating the ever-growing list of fuckery in my life to illustrate the point that my current situation is a shit show is doing nothing more than magnifying the shit show.

There are lots of things to talk about that are working. However, knowing I'm in an adrenaline run up, I know that fixating on the peaceful might not feel all that satisfying right now. But it's required.

I'm still surrounded by snoring dogs. I went to a lovely wedding celebration last weekend. I've got Doctor Pepper in the frig. I'm not going to give audience to my upset right now.

All is well.
All is well.
All is well.

3. Get Back On Track With My Self-Care Without Excuses.

There were days last week where self-care at its best was taking a shower before my husband got home from work, so I didn't stink. I didn't manage to even pull that off every day.

That said, I need my vitamins. I need to exercise. I need to get outside of my house to do more than buy more Doctor Pepper. I need to meditate. When the going gets tough, the first thing to go is usually self-care when you need it the most.

My failure to care for myself properly has created an inability to care for anything else well including my family, my home, and my business.

I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. Either I'm rocking my self-care, or I'm slouched in the corner in a puddle. As of today, I'm getting back on the self-care wagon, even if it happens one step at a time instead of all at once.

4. Zenify My Home.

Part of what I long for from the Vegas retreat is maid service and the minimalist decor. Although my home is not a shit hole, it's feeling far from Zen.

I'm making a point to move at least five things to their proper place every time I get up from my seat. At this rate, eventually, the landscape will stop being a distraction.

I've scheduled in a half an hour every day for the next two weeks to tackle the most important to me spaces in my home. That starts with my bedroom and my office.

I'm opening windows to let real fresh air blow through. I'm saging the nooks and crannies to excavate the stuck energy. After I finish this post, I'm texting my housekeeper to make sure I'll see his happy face tomorrow.

Part of the magic is in visually seeing progress being made. However, the real magic is that what's happening on the outside is a reflection of what's going on on the inside. I may not be able to fully control the inner chaos, but I can wrangle the outer chaos into order, and it starts to calm my crazy making mind.

5. Leverage Ritual And Make Magic.

Oh those damn crows, I knew it when I saw it. They were bringers of dark magic into my world. However, it was magic none the less, and the symbolism was not lost on me.

I'm going to honor the fuck out of those crows. Crow medicine has worked it's way into my totem, and I'm embracing that. Crow rituals will abound along with lots of other magic making to ease the waters.

I'm most at peace when I'm at my altar or on my yoga mat. I haven't been dipping myself in the waters of my spiritual practice, and the absence of that discipline has left a vacuum for a lot of turbulence in my life. As I stood in front of my altar this morning, I felt very disconnected from it and that is a solid gold indicator I'm disconnected from myself.

The practice may be different than it was a few weeks ago, but a practice that grounds my spiritual side is required of me right now, and I know it. Every experience is a spiritual experience. I need to get back in the game with the Divine to give the meaning I choose to whatever is happening.

6. Surrender, Surrender, Surrender.

While some of this might not be my preference, I can accept it, all of it. Resistance is not only painful; it's futile.

I will breathe through the discomfort instead of trying to distract myself from it.

I will EFT until my face is bruised if I need to.

I will surrender a thousand times a day because that's what's required. I can let everything be a blessing if I don't allow myself to flee back into victim mode.

There is no going around an energetic shit storm. There is only going through, and surrender is the ONLY way to do that without hurting myself or others in the process.

7. I Will Remind Myself What I Want On The Regular.

I'm not too super stoked about what is a lot of the time at this point. However, what I want is to anchor a state of peace, and I will remind myself that's what I'm after persistently.

I will visualize desired outcomes instead of replaying the fuck show in my head like a horror movie trailer. I will focus on the many things that have gone really right and amplify those in my mind's eye.

Deliberate creating takes mental muscle, and I feel a bit like someone training for the Olympics that hasn't been in the gym for six weeks. But that's ok. I've done this before.

I know I don't have to feel good to create things I really want. I just need to be the boss of my focus. I can do that, or at least I can start doing that right now.

8. Find The Feel Good Wherever It's Hiding.

Comedies - check
Sex - check
Music - check
Clean sheets - check
Chocolate - check


Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

More Posts
Share by: