Reader beware — this is a Lisa rant. Read at your own risk. Just saying.
Jennifer met Thomas on a work project. They worked for different companies but were assigned to work closely together on a contract project for almost three months. Within the first few days, Jennifer knew there was chemistry between them. They didn’t talk about their personal lives, but it was pretty obvious what his status was. Thomas wore a wedding ring.
As the days and weeks passed, the chemistry became developed into full out flirting and Jennifer found herself finding reasons to meet up with Thomas for drinks after work. In the beginning, it was “to talk about the project”. However, it wasn’t long before they didn’t bother to make up excuses to see each other. Jennifer felt alright about it. They weren’t “doing anything”. Besides the project would be over soon and she wouldn’t see him after that, except, she did.
Three days after the project was completed Thomas called her and asked her to meet him for dinner. She was relieved he called and ecstatic to see him. Over dinner, Thomas spilled the whole story of his marriage.
Bullet points as follows.
His wife is literally crazy. She’s been taking medication for years. He always intended to support her through her depression like a good husband, but she eventually shut him out both emotionally and physically.
Therefore it’s been more than two years since they’ve had sex.
She’s been emotionally and verbally abuse to him for a very long time.
They are getting a divorce. In fact she asked for it.
However, she’s very fragile so they are staying together while they work out the financial details, and there are lots of them. They share a lot of assets that have to be divided. It’s complicated.
He wants to stay with her during the negotiations to stay on her good side so the negotiations go well. He’s afraid she’d get irrational if he left the house at this point.
His attorney tells him it should be completed by august.
Here are some more bullet points.
Thomas feels something for jennifer that he didn’t think he’d ever feel again. He thinks he’s fallen in love with her.
He didn’t intend to start a relationship with anyone until the divorce was over.
However, he thinks jennifer feels it too, and it doesn’t seem right to walk away right now when his divorce is in motion.
It’s now or never.
Although Jennifer was very confused by all of this, she couldn’t deny she felt it too. She’d never seen herself as someone who would date a married man, but in all fairness, thomas wasn’t exactly married. So, before dessert was ever served, Jennifer and Thomas were breathlessly on their way to a hotel.
The rest is history. Eighteen months of history to be exact.
There have been snags in the divorce. His wife is crazier than ever. Thomas says he’s actually afraid for his physical safety and he’s worried she’ll kill herself. Thomas and Jennifer are more in love than ever, but Jennifer is beginning to wonder if he will ever really leave his wife.
To which I say.
Trust me. You do not want this man. You may think you do, but you don’t.
First of all, statistics are not in her favor. Many studies have been done on this and they show that in an affair with a married man less than 20% of those men ever leave their wives. Out that 20%, fewer than 10% end up in committed long term relationships with their mistress.
When I told Jennifer that her answer was predictable. “We’ll be one of the fewer than 10%. I’ll be one of the lucky ones.”
Here are my bullet points.
Men who still live with their wives are still married. Period. It doesn’t matter what they say.
Having an affair while married is asshole behavior. I don’t care how complicated it is. Good men don’t do that.
The 20% of men who actually do leave their wives don’t stop being assholes on the day they leave.
A man who treats his wife that way will very likely treat other women that way.
The stripes on a donkey don’t change just because their marital status does.
So, being in the “lucky” 20% turns out to be very unlucky for most women who’ve been in a relationship with a man while waiting for them to leave their wife.
Some marriages don’t work out. That’s a fact. Sometimes married people fall in love with someone else. That’s also a fact. If that happens, a good man will still try to work on his marriage and if it fails will get a divorce, not a mistress.
Let me repeat – a man worth risking your heart for does not take a mistress.
So, if you find yourself asking the question, “will this man ever leave his wife?” I would suggest you up your standards and think about what kind of man you really want to be with. What kind of life do you really want to live? Are you willing to live with the uncertainty about whether or not it will happen to you when the going gets tough, and it will, because life happens, and when life happens you will wonder. Trust me. You will.
If you’re dating someone’s husband, no matter how “crazy” his wife is, check yourself. Why would you settle for someone who’s behaving that way? Why are you?
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Posted on 01/30/2013 at 12:00:00 AM