Monogomy is Choice

I was talking to a woman a few days ago who confessed to me tearfully that after four years of marriage to the love of her life she found herself physically attracted a coworker.  She was pretty clear that she didn’t have any actual feelings for this man beyond the physical attraction.  She was also very clear that she still felt very “in love” with her husband.  Their relationship was still very strong.  However, the attraction she’s feeling for this other man was throwing her for a loop.  She felt guilty and ashamed.  

When I asked her if she would ever act on those feelings in anyway she said, “Absolutely not.  I love my husband.”  I believe her.  She’s very committed to her marriage.  The thing is, she’s not dead.  She’s a living breathing human woman.  Attraction is a part of being alive.

I realize this is controversial, but I’m going to say it anyway.  Monogamy is not a medical condition, it’s a choice, (tweetable).  For those of us in long term, committed, monogamous relationships it’s a choice we make every day.  People who think they are going to commit to one person and never feel an attraction to another are probably going to be surprised or disappointed.  The reality of it is healthy humans are going to feel attracted to other people.  The belief that those feelings go on lockdown when we commit isn’t likely to stand the test of time.

If my husband quits noticing beautiful woman, I’m also afraid he will quit noticing me too.  I can’t imagine the day that I am oblivious to other hot guys.  Attraction is a part of life, and we can take that energy and use it in our relationship to make it even hotter.   We also are able to talk freely about noticing other people.  Why?  Because there is no question about our commitment.  We chose monogamy, over and over again.

I think there is a lot of confusing in the mass consciousness about sexuality.  We are beginning to dance around topics like polygamy, polyamory, and bisexuality in the mainstream on a more regular basis.  It might be time redefine monogamy or at least be honest about what it means.  It means making a choice and in my opinion that choice is even more valuable and precious when we’re honest about the fact that the old adage, “I only have eyes for you”, is just that, a tired old adage, or even a wives tale.  It feels even more powerful to me to know that my partner is choosing me, because he wants to, not because I’m the only woman he notices.  

Sexual attraction is a healthy part of life on many levels.  Accepting that is part of a healthy relationship.