Pages Menu
Subscribe here to get your FREE audio tutorial on how to talk to a man when you want to be heard.
Categories Menu

Posted by on Jun 7, 2011 in break up, cheating, communication, divorce, marriage, marriage trouble, sex | 45 comments

What I Learned from My Ex-husband’s Mistress

In another lifetime ago, as many of my readers know, I was married to a man that never stopped dating.   Let’s just say he had more then one affair.  Many of them were one nighters or little flings.  One was a full blown relationship on the side.  When I found out about this relationship, we agreed to get counseling.  I agreed to stay.  He agreed to call it off.  However, it didn’t take long before all signs pointed to the fact that he was still seeing her.  We’ll call her Kelly.

One of the signs that something was going on was the hangup phone calls that kept coming to the house in the evening.  One evening when I was home alone there had been a series of them over a couple of hours and finally I picked up the phone and immediately said, “Kelly, I know it’s you.”  There was a long empty silence and then she replied.

“I am having a really bad day.  I just want to talk to him.”  She was crying.
“Well, then you can talk to me.”  I replied.  “Let’s go get a drink.”

And that’s how I began a conversation that changed the way I saw my life, the other woman, and women in general.   Kelly and I sat in the back of a very dark bar and faced each other woman to woman over the strongest drinks in town.  What we both learned was that neither of us could trust him.   That might seem obvious given the situation but at the time it wasn’t.  We also came to understand we were more alike then different.

Kelly had been told our marriage was over and he was only staying long enough to work through counseling related to how we were going to manage the separation regarding our son.  She had been told our marriage was mostly over long before they met.  We had a mostly “open” relationship.  However, I was still very jealous.  She had been told I was cold, angry, and abusive.  She also believed I knew about the affair all along and knew he intended to move in with her when our separation was complete.   She had also been told I was dangerous and unstable and well worth avoiding at all costs because he didn’t know what I was capable of.

I had been told he didn’t have feelings for her.  He never did.   It “happened on accident” and he was afraid for me and our son because she was stalking him.  I’d been told he’d actually had to tell his boss what happened because she was showing up at his work place and it was getting scary.  I had been told he’d cut off contact and thought about getting a restraining order except he didn’t want to put our family through any humiliation in court getting one.

Truth of the matter was she was showing up at work because she would pick him up there on his lunch break and go to a hotel at least two or three times a week.  I learned that they’d actually been together the day before.  As we sat there together we both realized that he probably wasn’t really working late that evening, and he obviously wasn’t with either of us…

I found out he’d taken her to our home.  He’d introduced her to our three year old son behind my back.  She spent time with him and his friends.  She’d also met some of his family.   She’d even stayed nights at our place while I was out of town visiting my family.  She had every reason to believe she was going to be the next in line for the closet where my cloths were hanging, which she’d looked at and even tried some of them on.  I felt like I’d been violated in the most profound way.

What I learned about Kelly was that she wasn’t the evil horrible person I’d taken comfort in believing she was.  She was a woman, in love with a man, believing his bullshit just like me.   Although on one hand she knew in her gut she was the other woman, it was easy for her to paint that picture as being the “next” woman.   She was devastated by my version of reality and we were both devastated by the shared revelation of his version of reality.  What comes around goes around.   Generally speaking a man who cheats on his wife will cheat on his girl friend.  Like Kelly and I figured out that night he was in fact cheating on both of us, with someone else.

I’d like to report that Kelly cut off all contact with him immediately and that I filed for divorce the next day.  However, neither of those things happened.  She did however quit seeing him very shortly thereafter and was so hurt by their relationship that she started dating women.  Obviously a divorce did happen.  However, in all honesty it wasn’t soon enough.

In my practice I’ve worked with the other woman.  She’s often frail, afraid, and lonely, if not entirely desperate.  My words of wisdom to the “other woman” are always the same, you can’t trust a man who’s still sleeping in a house with his wife.  That’s not trust worthy behavior.  He will break your heart.  Statistics show that is an inevitable eventuality.

I’ve obviously also worked with the broken hearted wife, hating on the vicious other woman and my words of wisdom to her are also always the same.  Take up your issues with your husband.  Focus your anger on the man who’s actually made a life long commitment to you.  Stop making up stories about who you think she is.   You’re probably not right and it’s a waste of time anyway.

That said, I would like to invite women to start being more kind, more respectful, and even more loving to each other.   There’s not a single reason in the world that justifies the hurt it causes to engage in any sort of relationship with a man who is married, despite what he says.  Occasionally the other woman doesn’t know he’s married initially.  However, in the recent political scandal it’s hard to imagine that the women involved didn’t know the Congressman was married when they were tweeting away or having phone sex.  In one of the pictures he tweeted there were family pictures in the background.

There is a lot of focus on the asshole men in these situations.  However, my curiosity always lands on the women.   In Wienergate it appears these women were just play things that didn’t have much attachment to him either.  However, they were women who saw fit to ignore the fact that he was married.  They were women willing to violate another woman’s life and family.  They were women who were careless and thoughtless AND even as I write that I remind myself I don’t really know.  I don’t really know what this man told them about his marriage and his wife.

I guess what I’m saying is simple.  As women let’s be gentle, and careful with each other.  Let’s take the time to check facts, know the deal, go to drinks, and have the hard conversations with one another.  Let’s get real and be loving.  There really is no shortage of men and no man is worth that kind of hurt and humiliation.


Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan. She is also co-founder of Good Vibe Coach Academy, specializing in LOA Coach Training. To get Lisa's FREE Audio, "How to Talk to a Man" click here. You may also purchase her book - Score Your Soulmate.


  1. This is a wonderful an honest post. In the past couple years I released my anger at “the other woman”. She was someone who ran in some of my circles and I wasted so much time being angry at her instead of being angry at the person I should have been angry at. And truthfully, if I’d been angry at the right person I would have had to take a better look in the mirror and realize I wasn’t fully loving me. Hating her was easier than admitting I was being treated like dirt.

    A few months ago we were at the same bar and someone who didn’t know we knew each other introduced us. Her first words were, “She doesn’t like me.” I had let go of that anger long before that night, but I had no idea it was bothering her so much. I went on to say I had let that go years ago. For the first time I think we saw each other woman to woman.

  2. FINALLY! A kindred spirit! I have NEVER understood why a man or woman who has been betrayed would focus all of their pain and anger on the third party. Even after I was betrayed myself. It made no sense to hate her and wish her a horrible fate…the “other woman” didn’t make any promises or vows to me; the “other woman” didn’t disrespect and make a fool of me; the “other woman” didn’t willfully and thoughtlessly destroy my family and fundamentally alter my children’s psyches; as a matter of fact, the “other woman” did exactly what I would expect her to do, so why would I give her any more than a passing thought (other than to feel a sad kinship). She was just as blind to his charm as I was.

    Thanks, Lisa, for putting that message out to the masses – it should be something we teach our children (I know I have).

  3. I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  4. I understand these remarks intellectually but disagree that the Other Woman/Other Man does not contribute to the betrayal. My ex committed many infidelities and finally married a long-term ‘girlfriend’ 6 weeks after our divorce was final. We spoke once after they married and when I said to her, “You know you were not his only one” she replied, “I know.” Her tone revealed a bit of her internal struggle with knowing what he really is – a man who at one point brought her to our home for an encounter when I was caring for a dying parent – and what she wants him to be. She is telling herself a story that the ‘real’ problem was me (and his two other ex-wives) and now that he has settled down with his soul mate, it will all be okay, like an Etta James song. So, understanding the vulnerability of her hope that she is living her dream, I actually feel sorry for her. I know what that feels like and I know how much it hurts when its over. I don’t wish ill will on her at all. At the same time, she cannot say she did not know what he is capable of or about.

  5. I hear you Lizzie. My ex-husband married one of his mistresses. He is now her ex-husband too. She and I have talked since and she’s said over and over, she never believed he’d treat her the way he treated me. I suppose she needed to believe that at the time.

  6. I know there’s always two sides to a story but help me please. I have been in-love with this man for years. I had his son and he had a crush on my best friend back then, but she didn’t pay him any attention, so we started messing around and I got pregnant. I was going through a lot with abusive situations in my home with my own family and already. When I found out I was pregnant 5 months with his son I decided not to tell him, she had finally let him in her life and with all the problems I had I left and decided not to let anyone know.

    Well their relationship lasted 7 years I didn’t know till now, that he was never happy.

    Honestly he was also known to be a player and that is another reason why I thought he wasn’t ready.

    Well my mom decided to tell his family about my son 18 years later and we talked.

    He approached me as a woman not a mom and started telling me how un-happy he was and how she didn’t trust him and how there really wasn’t a connection between them other than the kids and that she always asked him if he was only there for them.

    Well about two months of phone conversations and some convincing in his part since we are both married, now me separated and my husband know everything and his entire family and friends know about us, she’s the only one in the dark and pregnant again I don’t know what to do.

    My husband says he will kill himself and him is I finalize our separation. I had told my husband for years I wanted counseling and I was tired and that there would be a time I walk away and just shut my emotions and be done.

    Well with HIM back in my life without me looking for him this made it easier to say, that there’s a reason why all this happened and it’s meant to ne.

    You see he use to say the woman who has my first child I will marry and take care of always, his wife knew this and told everyone I’m going to do just that and she did. So I can see why there’s problems, but she was young 19yrs old and I’m thinking she loved him.

    The family knows about us because she saw some calls, he got caught and she asked him if I was stalking him. She started telling everyone that his brother wanted us together and even lied and made it up to make me look horrible. You see I think because of her trust issues she has totally blocked my son from getting to know him. She demanded a dna and I asked my son to and he didn’t want to. He looks 100% like him when he was his age. He asked me to do this for her to stop arguing. She was telling everyone horrible things, that i was a liar so on and on. Even though I didn’t tell him. My mother did this without my consent. I was not looking for him un-less my son asked me to.

    Well, here I am now 19 years later, separated sort of, n-love with same man and as his mistress for 11 months now. Please know nothing happened between us until months after my son was tested positive. She tried hidding that fact but forgot his brother and sister in law were friends from the past and they had questions wondered why i left so abruptly and so on, so the truth came out.

    She didn’t want the family to know about son, months went by and his older brother was upset and told the grandparents about him thinking his brother had no guts, but my son now knew about them and he needed to feel welcomed and not care sbout her since she was an adult.

    Well it’s a mess, he says he loves me but could never leave his kids, and I could never make him or ask him too.

    What can i do? It’s not the normal affair.

  7. You’re right, it’s not the normal affair, but it is an affair non-the-less.

    Unfortunately, these things are rarely black and white. However, what we know about affairs, statistically, is that men rarely leave their wives, and even when they do, it’s rarely a happy ending for the mistress.

    I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all this. It’s a lot of years of heart ache. However, at the end of the day we’re all responsible for our own happiness. So, I wish you luck finding yours, with or without this man.

  8. This was a great article. Most people never get a chance to experience something like that. The “other woman” is usually a mystery – or so we think. It’s interesting that you had more in common with her than not. I’m guessing that’s usually the case.

  9. You’re right Analisa. I do think we often have more in common with the other woman than we want to think. Bottom line, we’re all women, looking for love. Sometimes the other woman is aware of what’s really going on. However, I think in most cases, the other woman thinks the man is unhappy in his marriage and will end up happily ever after with her.

    Both women are getting screwed.

  10. To be ex-husband and I are in middle of divorce. On and off again affairs throughout our 10 year marriage. He announced he has found a rich woman (he doesn’t necessarily love her – wants her money) and he’s divorcing me to pursue her wealth.

    After a month of grieving, friends have convinced me to let him go. So her is what SHE will get (he’s already moved in with her) – per divorce decree HE gets …. 18k IRS tax bill that’s fully in his name (I never filed jointly for legal reasons). 15k Cadillac bill he was stupid enough to buy a month ago to impress HER. 11k SUV bill for MY auto. 2k walmart bill (my card but used for his personal purposes) – $700 home depot bill. $500 HIS credit card bill.

    In total – He takes on 52k in DEBT!!! (Yes – $52,000).

    And – our house is in foreclosure with refi denied. And you can also have the SECOND woman he sees on top of you when you are out of town on business.

    I’m slowly beginning to smile. As the other woman – you deserve EVERYTHING you get. No pity! As the stbx – I intend to have the last laugh.

    Oh – and Ill be out of debt in 10 month. My total debt from all this – 5k. He’s ALL YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    But then, I’m sure you discussed ALL of this when you were having your “affair.”

  11. You are weak and pathetic. Am I supposed to be impressed by your so called enlightenment? “Kelly” IS a slut. I don’t have any sympathy for women who have such little respect for themselves that they stay with a cheating husband/ boyfriend. You’re husband cheated on you because you let him. Get some self confidence.

  12. Gia, I love that you come from a place of such confidence and “strength”. Thanks for stopping by!

  13. Thanks for sharing Lisa. My sister is going through an affair in her marriage. I am going to forward this article to her. I appreciate your honesty.

  14. I do think it’s interesting how many times we vilify the other woman and excuse the man all together. Love really can be blind. I suppose a woman in that situation needs to remember, that’s not what love really is.

  15. I love this post! Thanks for being so honest about your story. I can’t say I’m going through the exact same thing, but it’s similar. It’s so nice to hear someone talk about it who survived it all.

  16. My husband had an 9 month affair that ended in August. I found out about it in October. Let’s not be to understanding to the other woman. This woman new he was married and that he love his wife and was not going to leave me. She was on a mission to get him to leave for her. Always dressing Hooker style, being needy and acting like swallowing was he favorite thing to do! But like most Mistress’s they start to complain that they are kept hidden and start to push and he ended it. I ran into her at a restaurant and thank her for helping with getting me that nice anniversary ring last month. Also letting her know that there was no lack of sex at home. She processed to call my husband three times that night demanding an apology first thing the next day for me being rude to her in front of her friends. After the last call at 1:30a.m. I knew she was laying in bed alone and you bet I was happy to let her know how it felt when my husband did not come home. Then she call my husband at work and I have to say he really showed his love for me. He told her that I was his wife and I had the right to feel and say what I wanted to her. She still kept asking him if he was happy, very happy and he said yes I am. So please don’t try to act like we are all just sisters here. Some of these Mistress deserve what they get.

  17. Everything you saying makes sense but if this mistress has bothered you for the duration of the affair which was 5years just as long as we’ve been married then I’m sorry to say I’m nt so keen on being all 2 nice with her,she’s made me know that he’s her man and I don’t even want to mention all she’s done but she’s filth in my eyes,she knew about my children,she knew he was not going to leave and now then she got pregnant and now she’s all I don’t want him anymore but my family is ruined,and his got a love child and I cannot deal with it!

  18. I get that, and it sounds like you’re right. She was clearly a bitch. However, I’ve got to ask. I’m wondering where your husbands responsibility in all this is??? He’s the one who made a commitment to you.

  19. If she was bothering you for the duration of your 5 year marriage, does that mean you knew about the affair all along?

  20. Without being cliche – it takes two to tango. Loved where you got in your own level of permission to see that we all make choices and there are consequences of our choices (whether we like them or not). I was fascinated by Gia’s response… maybe she has not YET encountered the situation. I believe the ‘unwritten’ contract that binds two people together is rarely renewed as the years go by and people evolve (for the good and the bad). I really do applaud you for how you were able to see that she (Kelly) wasn’t really the only big problem. It takes courage and self awareness to have the hard conversations with ourselves little alone with “the other woman”. Kudos to you Lisa – you are a woman who runs it!

    Please let me know if you would ever like to be a guest expert contributor to our emag (you have my email address)

  21. Thank you Fiona! I think it is a situation I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but you have to live through to truly understand.

  22. To Gia — are you kidding me? to your comment: “your husband cheated on you because you let him” are you seriously kidding me!? You don’t know what you are talking about. No one deserves to be cheated on. And, no one brings it on themselves. Cheaters make their own decisions.

  23. I agree. It’s really easy to judge from the outside looking in. In fact, I used to do that, until I was on the inside of it and couldn’t see out.

  24. Great article! Unfortunately I have to admit, I’ve been on both sides of this issue. I’ve been the other woman and the woman scorned, and I will say something that will make some people very uncomfortable, and probably angry. Neither one of those places is easier. Yes it’s devastating to have your husband stray. It’s equally devastating to fall in love with a man who will never really be yours.

  25. Thank you for this post- I’m hoping to have the courage to face my ex-husband and his “mistress-wife” with grace and poise.
    I’m in the “she knew all about me” category… She strategically placed herself in our lives to gain access to what she wanted. However, I have to fully recognize HE made choices to permit it, as well.
    It’s been two and a half years and it is much easier to be kind to my ex on behalf of our son… But I am very much struggling to find reasons to be kind to her. While I am grateful to have been set free, I still harbor anger at the loss of our family and the alteration of our lives.
    I’m hoping to transition my feelings about her from intruder to step-mom.
    Any advice welcome:)

  26. I’ve been the “other woman”. I never thought I’d find myself there, but I did and I can assure you, I didn’t get the whole story from the man I thought I was in love with.

    In the end I realized you simply can’t trust a man that doesn’t behave in a way that’s trust worthy. A man who will cheat on his wife by nature isn’t honest. Expecting anything else is stupid.

    Lesson learned the hard way.

  27. I’ve always wondered what the other woman is thinking. It makes no sense to me why any woman would want someone elses leftovers. It’s hard to even see the other woman as a person.
    If we all saw each other as people worthy of respect, chances are fewer women would be willing to get involved with someone elses husband.
    Thank you for sharing this perspective.

  28. Hard to imagine a peaceful divorce, however you’re right. Keeping your kids as the compass point is the only way to do it. My husband and I are going through it right now and our mediator has helped us do just that.

    Thanks for the great article.

  29. Well said Loni. Can’t argue with that logic.

  30. Thank you so much for this article. It’s such an interesting look at an extremely complex subject.

  31. I am the mistress – for the past 3.5 years now. When we began I had a terminally ill husband and he simply found me attractive enough to pursue me. I needed something to stabilize me in an insane situation. I knew my husband was dying and to have someone on the outside who paid attention to me, where all other attention was focused on my husband – his Dr visits, his treatments, his concerns, everything was all about him, I was happy to have someone focused on me only. The cheating husband that pursued me admitted that there was nothing in particular wrong with his marriage… he just felt something for me and followed it. He admitted that this was a fault of his. He has 2 young children. When the affair began we created a friendship in those first several months and then the physical aspect came into play. That was incredible. I know that he slept with her at first while we were together, but soon after the emotions were engaged he did not sleep with her. I do know this to be a fact as I’ve heard her tell others the truth of this matter. I admit – this all started from pure selfishness on his part and on mine. We were together for 1.5 years when he got caught. Within 6 weeks his wife found her own lover to help soothe her broken heart and pride. Fast forward another 1.5+ years and she is still with her boyfriend, and the cheating husband and I are still together (now at the 3.5 yr mark) and she recently moved out after all those months of fighting in front of the children. Later on it came to light that she had her own financial distrust in the marriage as she had charged $40K of credit card debt in their 10 yr marriage that he never knew about, even before I ever came along. Would their marriage have survived that? Who knows? I don’t know what will eventually happen in my relationship with him. I love him, he loves me… but will it work in a different context other than mistress and lover? I don’t like being hidden of course, and will be telling him that I am going to begin dating others since he continues to hide me. He will be a jealous crazy man, but he needs to know that the hiding time limit is up. He has agreed to attend my son’s wedding with me, soon – which will be VERY public, so perhaps that is a step in the direction of more change. I hope for a future with us but I don’t count on it. I have been through more of life’s ups and downs than most people in 3 lifetimes. I will survive, but I will also hurt like hell. When his wife first found out about us… I thought about her all the time and prayed for her every day – as weird as that may sound. I knew she was devastated, because I’ve been there too.. in my 1st marriage. I prayed for peace for her… but soon enough her true colors showed through and it wasn’t pretty. But I understood. I feel bad, but I also know why I did what I did. I didn’t think it would turn to love… but when he showed me that I was the only woman for him, and to this day that continues… well, it’s just hard to give up… somewhat like an addiction. She’s moved out, has a spending problem and is still confused on her direction of where she’s going. Yes, a lot of the blame lays at his (the cheating husband’s) feet, but I also know that I am to blame too…. in different ways… but yes, never-the-less. Actually she and I also had a couple of occasions where we talked face to face. I think that if possible the two women should meet. It makes each of us know the human side of the other…. now as it turns out… I simply love the guy and she simply wants to destroy him. It’s all drama and it’s all about learning the lessons you were sent here to learn. .. and hopefully not repeat the next time around.

  32. I was married for 12 years. At one point my husband cheated on me. He gave me lies of course and I didn’t believe him, until I confronted the mistress who collaborated his story. She knew and didn’t care; she wanted my husband at all cost. She intentionally got pregnant hoping to keep him &/or run me off. My husband & I reconciled… And then he died. He died 6 weeks before the child was born.
    Fast fwd… It’s been nearly 9 years. 6.5 years ago I met a very charming man who pursued me. The past 22 months, he have been in a very intimate – primarily mental & emotional relationship with him. We had an extremely intense bond and chemistry. I found out a couple weeks ago that HE IS MARRIED. Actually, he got married 2 years ago tomorrow. Just TWO MONTHS prior to intentionally pursuing my heart asking can I finally have my chance with you? Which started the following 22 months. I don’t understand!!!! I’m heart broken. I found out and emailed his sister. I didn’t say anything hurtful… Just that I’d been in a relationship with her brother just became aware that he was married. She never saw the email. A week later, after avoiding his attempts to contact me for two weeks… I broke at his last contact and finally confronted him. The conversation was fairly short. Then silence. I was okay with that. 4 days later, he contacts me apologizing and said he feels like he owes me a face to face to explain. I began to struggle feeling tempted to meet him to hear what he needed to say. The following morning I get a text from him telling me to never contact him again. That because of my email to his sister, if I contact him or anyone in his family he will file a harassment charge against me. I know that threat is an empty threat, particularly since I had not been initiating any communication with him at all. But I went from being strong in how I felt and what the right thing was to suddenly feeling lost and rejected. How does this happen???

  33. It happens because there are people out there in the world who are careless with other people’s hearts. The good news is you figured it all out when you did. The bad news is some other woman is going to marry him, probably non-the-wiser, yet. Unfortunately, she will probably figure it out eventually because he will do it again in the future.

    Good for you for cutting it off when you did. You took a strong stand for yourself, and although it doesn’t feel like it now, it will pay off. I promise you.

  34. CD,
    I think you’re feeling worse now only because he flipped the script and isn’t pursuing you anymore. Keep that strength you had when he was still friendly to you fresh in your mind. You had it right back then, not these new feelings your having now that the comfort of believing he’s still around are gone. I’m sorry this is dude turned out to be a fraud and a chickensh*t. If that msg wasn’t directly from his wifes mouth and wasn’t something demanded of him to w rite you, then they were his own sentiments, his own words. Which should serve you as another example of his pretty serious character flaws -and also at lease a 10 point loss for him in general for being a completely shameless ice cold j*rk. Forget him, you don’t really know him anyway. You only know he lies and has no integrity or compassion. F that guy. Good luck.

  35. Thank you Lisa, for this authentic article. I found this write up as I’m in somewhat of a similar situation. I was dating this guy seriously only to find out he was sleeping with multiple women. I walked out. Unfortunately, I was so addicted to him that we still were in communication on and off since I left.

    Then we had some physical encounters and emotional/intense emails since I left. We have such an incredible chemistry physically, intellectually, and for me emotionally (he needs work in that department). He is still seeing multiple other women and claims that they all know about each other. I’m not so sure. He’s a compulsive liar and has lied often to my face – until I had the proof of his affairs. And getting better at reading his tells. One of the women he’s still sleeping with was one of the women I found out about while we were “supposedly monogamous”.

    We are still in communication and recently physical a month ago. As recent as this week we had another one of our nice walks and got close to being intimate again. I stopped it yet he pushed because he knew I’d cross those boundaries before. I stood my ground and sent him home. I need to end this cycle. It’s hard to give up this drug. We do talk about his current dalliances and he’s told them that they are not the “only one” he’s told them he’s not ready for another relationship.

    Having read this article, part of me wants to reach out to one of the women to give her a heads up as an FYI to ensure he’s been honest with her as he’s told me he has been. That he doesn’t love her and that he’s been clear with her that he’s not ready for a relationship. (But has been clear there is a physical relationship). I have met his ex-wife (and am friend with her) and the people he’s friends with who I like and get along with. I want to assume this woman is not a horrible person given the company he keeps and she didn’t know about me at the time – he’s a really good liar and can get people to believe what he wants. I feel like I should warn her so she doesn’t have to suffer the horrible feelings of betrayal. If he has been clear with her and his “playing around” arrangement and she’s accepted it – I respect her choice. Otherwise she can do with the information as she wishes. Is communicating with her even worth it? To Lisa’s one comment, there are people out there who are careless with peoples hearts.

    (Yes, I know, I should stop communicating with him in the first place and LET IT GO!!!)

  36. Years ago, when my now ex-husband was having an affair I had the interesting opportunity to meet the mistress. I’ll spare you the details on how that happened, but I will just say, it was probably set up by angels.

    I thought the affair was over and we were working on our marriage. She thought the marriage was over and I was dragging out the divorce process. When we compared notes, it was enlightening, to say the least.

    And you’d think I would have left him on the spot. I didn’t. She also continued to see him. It was months later before I ended our marriage. Although knowing the truth didn’t give me the courage to do what have should have at the time, it did give me a lot of peace when I finally did leave the marriage. I’m forever grateful to her for being the one person who told me the truth.

    That said, it’s treacherous territory. It doesn’t always go down like that or like it does in the movies. Wives and mistresses don’t become best friends. However, in a strange way, she saved my life.

  37. When I found out my husband of over 17 years was having an affair, I only needed 20 minutes to get him out of the house. As far as I am concerned, I am good enough to be the only one and he was better suited for a woman that had been knowingly sharing him with me. I was curious of course, but I never thought of lowering myself to that woman’s level to confront her.
    Karma takes care of things… 5 years later, I am seriously involved with a real man that knows what he has, and she is still “bar tending” and “modeling”. Poor ex-husband is broke and alone. I hope he finds love. The kind of love he deserves and is capable of keep.

  38. So I found out three days ago that I was the other woman, having been told his wife was institutionalised, I’ve since been in contact with other women who he told he was a widower. I was annoyed about something else, so phoned him only for his wife to answer the phone!

    I went to his house, met his daughter and his brother, (and checked the wardrobe for any sign of a woman living there), don’t think there was anything more I could have done to check. It is a horrible feeling, and I’ve cut contact after letting as many people as possible know that the poor woman is alive and well, meanwhile he’s had the cheek to be angry at me (probably for exposing him), and will probably be telling people I’m mad/a stalker etc.

    I will get over this, it’s not like we were planning a future together, but it’s hard to find out someone is not who you thought they were, and that their deception was so wide spread. I really hope his wife leaves him, but I don’t think she will – she didn’t sound surprised when I called.

  39. I recently confirmed my suspicion that my husband really had an long distance affair with his old hi-school e-girlfriend. Early this year, I ask my husband for separation without knowing about the affair at first. I asked because i felt his being so distance and mad at me all the time for no reason, I ask him if he is not happy anymore with me then he should go. He think for a couple of days then decided to leave me. He points the blame of our separation that I lack and most of it is my fault. I feel devastated and broken. I asked him to consider staying or working things with us and to tell me the truth if he’s having affair or not. You see I am that kind of wife who gets that women intuition about their husband. I have felt he is having an affair, i stalk the girl and I told my husband about it but of course he denied it. Then all of a sudden that girl blocked me on facebook which made me more suspicious of their relationship. I keep digging but the girl has made her social account privately. So I finally give up. Then my husband came back and we are trying to work things out. Then lately, I started stalking the girl again and I saw a picture on her instagram account that my husband even bought her a Coach Purse and wallet. It’s the same time around when my husband bought me a Coach Slingbag as a sorry gift. When I saw the picture, i felt so heartbroken again. To top it all, I felt like her bag is more nice and extravagant than the one that I have. I know it’s past and we are trying to work things out. But I can’t help feeling hurt by this. I don’t know what to feel, sometimes I would think I would not want anything from my husband again because I felt like he would give someone else better than what he would give me. All of their Hi-school friends are pushing them together. My husband will be going to their hometown without me. I hate this feeling and whatever I’m thinking right now that they might do. I want to trust my husband but I don’t know if I could trust the girl as well. The girls seems brokenhearted as well with what happen to them. So I felt like just one touch by my husband she will be all over him again. My husband keep telling me to stop stressing myself with negative thoughts because it is not helping our relationship. that he is trying his best to work our marriage but I keep bringing up the past and not trusting him. I don’t know how to trust him and his word. He ask me what he could do for me to believe, even I don’t know what to answer.

  40. I was the OW for almost a year. He moved out and lived with me until I’d had enough. He went back to his wife. It ended 3 years ago and I know he’s cheated again. What I don’t get, is that the wife will send me emails and post public photos ofhim on facebook and ask if im jealous? Or talk about their sex life. It’s like she’s pimping him out. I don’t care what they do or how “yummy” she thinks he looks in his suit. I’m engaged to my own faithful man. Why does she act like this? It seems that she is proud of being cheated on but that he chose her.

  41. This makes sense. When people open your eyes to a cruel reality that the other woman is sometimes not the one to be blamed, that’s when you are able to move on and stop accusing the other woman but it’s hard to admit that the one you love is at fault.
    So my guess for you Laura it may be that the wife is in denial, is fighting a battle for something she believes is hers and/or wants to save. The wife thinks that you wanted her husband all along and it’s her way of saying you can’t have him. But what I’m hearing from you is that she doesn’t know that that’s not what you want in your life.
    In my experience as a married woman I’ve picked and fought battles for/with my husband for things that I’ve found humiliating and disrespectful. I don’t believe in friends of the opposite sex and/or privacy in a marriage. If there is nothing to hide you should be an open book. My husband apologized recently that it sounded very honest and I’ve tried to forget but that’s impossible. But I have to admit he has been really good to me since he apologized
    At this time new things bring about memories of those things that have happened in the past. The resentment has built up. At this point although there has been no cheating or so I think, I feel that I am better off by myself. I am heartbroken. The most recent thing that he did to me and that made me feel so humiliated and disrespected was him looking/checking out a girl in front of my face while we were shopping. I was so mad and he noticed I was mad and asked what was wrong. I was honest and told him what was the problem. He then ignored my concern and ignored me altogether. I was so mad and just went off on him. I guess he didn’t want to fight but he made it worst for me. At this point I just wish he wasn’t in my life. I think about our two girls and I stay. But most of the time it’s the fact that we’ve been together for almost 14 years and that I extremely care about him. Point is although I tend to be happy, when conflict arises I always wish I wasn’t in this relationship and my mind starts wondering off and remembering all the things that I’ve been through to be/remain part of his life. I get in this mood that I hate him so much and that I don’t want him near me. I’m just tired of my feelings and concerns not being validated by my husband. And then he finds a way to make me want to stay but I don’t forget and the cycle continues.

  42. i had a friend that i’d known since my dad died after xmas in ’08. he was a funeral director type person. i’d go have lunch with him when i’d visit my parents’ graves. he told me he was divorced, or inferred it (it’s hazy now, but from context, he said he was divorced) and that he’d hired a private investigator and caught her cheating. I asked her name once at lunch and he looked down at his plate and said it almost unaudibly. I thought he was just hurt. we were friends, going to lunch for like almost 3 years. then I lost interest, but I called him 6 mo’s later for a drink. he hit on me that nite. it was awesome. i’d always liked him. I have been in a horrible marriage, to a man I’ve never loved. I am divorcing now. this person that I was friends with became more than friends for almost 2.5 years now, and now that i’m divorcing, I saw his wife’s name with his name tacked onto the end of hers. I began to investigate (he several yrs ago forbid me to EVER look up anything on the net about him, his ex or anything). I guess i’m stupid, I just figured he was private. me, being married, I was busy myself, and working. we’ve texted each other multiple times a day for 2.5 years now, getting together at hotels and spending hours together once a month. I ran the full ‘rap sheet’ on him, got an investigator, and he’s oh so married. he even propositioned an undercover cop the year I met him and wifey bailed him out. on facebook, she seems so prim and proper and goes to church always, etc. I had a friend spy on them one morning to verify it was true and my friend saw her kiss her on the cheek before he went for a 30 minute car ride. that was proof enuf for me. my heart is broken. he told me a mo. ago after i’d filed for divorce then come back as the papers took so long to be served that he’d never be husband or bf material. I never confronted him w/my investigation or what I know, but I asked where I stand, and he said he told me ‘long ago that he’s not bf material’ (he actually just told me 3 weeks ago). what a liar. I am teetering between trying to justify maybe he’s not really happy, and the hurt of him telling me he’s not bf material, yet his wife has him, for over 21 years now. she’s 12 yrs younger. I tried to put him on block on my cell, but the app isn’t working. it’s like being addicted to a drug. I am trying to stop texting him. all I can say is s h I t .. what would you guys do if you were me? tell the wife? why did she bail him out of jail for propositioning an undercover cop for oral sex? what a bunch of BS!!!!!

  43. my husband physically abused me for 10 years. we are now estranged because I found out he had multiple affairs. Pathetically he was cheating on his OW with OW.

    First I found out about 1 OW. my husband made me beg to not be thrown out of our house for daring to ask questions why…

    after 1, I searched for all the rest of his OWomen. At first
    i was so angry because I thought despite the beatings etc. there was hope for my family because he was faithful. When
    i found out about the women, that was my wake up call that he just wasnt worth it.

    He tried to court me again but on the side I found out he is still seeing someone new again. She knows we are married and estranged but as many cheaters profess, they tell their mistresses that their wives are psychotic bitches.

    I feel angry most times because i have been trying to warn these women who they are dealing with but they would rather believe him despite being polite to me. They are ordinary decent women who get fooled.

    Nowadays years after and knowing my husband is at it again, cheating on his current girlfriend mistress with another woman, I realized thank goodness im not her or the OW having to deal with him.

    These OW actually saved my life without them even knowing that they gave me the push for freedom and safety.

    So sad though that found out from all his ex girlfriends before me that he attenpted to hurt thrm too long ago that it will only be a matter if time that he will repeat the cycle.

    Once an ex gf of his warnedme about him before we got married, he told me she was crazy too and I believed him. All i cared about then was that i wasnt the OW (gf). Ironic that
    i am now in the ex gfs shoes only worse as we are still married. I am now the one warning the new gfs.

    I am sure one day they will wear my shoe too. justgive it time.

  44. I agree that the “other woman” isn’t the whole problem and she probably is being lied to as well. Blame should definitely be placed on the husband and he should be dealt with accordingly. Perhaps, he should be served with divorce papers.

    That being said, the other woman is not exactly innocent if she is KNOWINGLY getting involved with a married man. (It’s another story if she’s been told he is single). If a man admits to being married, even if he says he’s going to leave his wife, this woman is walking into a potential quagmire. Unlike the scorned wife, she has at least a little bit of an idea that she’s getting into a situation where she might get hurt. She may also be getting into a situation where she is knowingly causing someone else pain and tearing apart a family. I feel a little sorry for her for not realizing she could do better if she’d just go with her conscience and find someone who is actually available…

  45. Hey Lisa

    Love your article just wanted to say same thing happened to me and the other women talked on the phone and she knew nothing about me except as the baby momma.I told her we where married for 7 yrs and of course was shocked because they been together for a year and they where getting engaged and planning on moving in together. Speechless I was but not surprised. I feel that the only reason Im staying with him knowing that he will never change is because of the kids we have and because I feel that,
    no one will want to be with someone that has kids and have to deal with all the divorce proceedings etc. I love him yes, but I also hate him to. Does that make sense…I know it doesnt but that the situation I am in.

    I have no idea what to do .I know the girl left him because she felt embarrassed knowing about the other life he has out there. He knows I know about there affair and told me we had things to work out in our relationship that changed.He says hes done with her but I doubt that.i have a feeling that hes now seeing someone else behind my back once again.I feel like a fool for staying with someone like this.

    I think I came to realize that if hes not going to change could I deal with it or let him go. Well seems like im obviously not going anywhere and im thinking because of the family is why I keep putting up with it.

    Please give me some advice on what I should do.

    So confused and embarrassed of myself.


  1. Anger Kept Me From Loving Myself | Loving My Super Woman Self - [...] kept me from Loving Myself. I was reading a post by Relationship Expert Lisa M. Hayes (she totally rocks).…

Post a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *