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Posted by on Nov 5, 2013 in divorce, relationships | 5 comments

When Should I Start Dating Again?

loa relationship coachBy:  Lisa Hayes

Dear Lisa,

My ex-fiance and I ended our relationship on what was suppose to be our wedding day six months ago.  I thought we had a perfect relationship.  We had a dream engagement. We planned our dream wedding.  The day of the wedding after we finished taking some photos with our bridal party, he asked if we could go for a walk.  On our little pre-wedding stroll, he told me he had romantic feelings for his best man.

Believe me when I say, I did not see that coming.  Needless to say, I was devastated.  I felt like my whole world turned upside down.  I didn’t even go back to the wedding.  I called my sister who had to cancel everything.  I went to bed and stayed there for three weeks.  The last five months I’ve spent picking up the pieces and putting my life back together.

I feel like I’ve done a lot of personal work since the break up.  In a lot of ways I feel like a better person than I was before.  I know I have more to do though.  This break up really showed me I have a lot of holes in my sense of self.  I know I’m not as happy as I want to be.  The thing is, I don’t know if I’m ever going to want to date again.   Some of my friends think that’s normal because it’s too soon.  Some of my friends think it’s time.  I did actually go on a date a couple of weeks ago with a really nice guy who’s asked me out again.  I don’t want to go, and there’s no good reason for me not to.  He was really nice.

My question is, when should I start dating again?   I don’t want to be alone forever. Avoiding relationships doesn’t seem healthy.  I kind of think if I just get back into it, it’ll get easier.  What do you think?

Alisha

Buffalo, NY

loa relationship coachDear Alisha,

I think you know in your heart of hearts, it’s not time for you to be in the dating game again.  You instinctively know that.  In my experience people almost never wait too long.  It’s all too common for people to rush back to dating much too soon.  So, it’s probably wise to error on the side of slower and not faster.

The answer to your question is date when you feel perfectly ready.  Date when you think it will be fun.  Most importantly date when, and only when you are absolutely loving being single.  (Tweetable!)

When you are loving everything about being single and loving your life, you are perfectly lined up to be attracting other people who have lives they love.

There are at least 100 horrible reasons to start dating.  A few of them are included in the list below.

  • You want to be distracted from your life.
  • You are looking for someone to make you happier.
  • You are bored.
  • You are lonely.
  • You feel like you should have been married by now.
  • You want children.
  • You are looking for someone to just do things with.
  • There is a stigma about being single.
  • Other people think you should be dating.
  • It seems like it should be time.

None of those are good reasons to date.  Dating for the wrong reasons leaves you needy, vulnerable, likely to attract other people who aren’t fully happy.  The only good reason to date is because you’ve got an amazing life and can’t wait to share it with someone.  Period.

Take care of yourself.  Take as much time as you want.  Time is your most precious commodity.  Spend it on your happiness and everything else will fall in place.

Big love,

Lisa

 



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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of How to Escape from Relationship Hell, The Passion Plan, and Body Love Boot Camp. She is also co-founder of Good Vibe Coach Academy, specializing in LOA Coach Training. To get Lisa's FREE Audio, "How to Talk to a Man" click here.



5 Comments

  1. Fabulous question and response! Love this advice Lisa!

  2. I love how you answered this question Lisa. I went through a traumatic breakup about 5 years ago, and, understandably, I was confused as ever. I started distracting my pain with boys. (I say boys because a real man would have wanted nothing to do with my mess.)

    It’s so important to wait until you’re ready. When is that? When you feel forgiveness for the guy who broke your heart. When you can actually say you’re happy. When you’re not crying yourself to sleep every night.

    I’ve been there. Just be patient. You’ll be ready soon enough.

  3. I’ve been there too. For years I never had a break up where I didn’t have the next new guy already lined up. I never cheated, but when I saw the writing on the wall, I certainly started keeping my options open. I never grieved or grew or healed.

    It wasn’t until I finally took myself off the market and did the serious work, that I met the man of my dreams. It took time, but it was worth it.

  4. Great post Lisa! Hmmm…I have a little different take on things…
    I believe we can heal quicker and deeper in the presence of men.
    (I call it “Dating for Therapy”)

    By staying open to the men who do show up and seeing who they are (not in order to make something happen).

    What message do they have to give?

    To allow yourself to be filled up by men, to receive from men and to practice expressing how you feel, what you want, and what you don’t want in a relationship (and in life) — in a way that a man craves.

    It can be an amazing journey to a whole new level of intimacy with a man, your Mr. Right.

    As long is the focus stays on YOU and your process. :)

  5. I love that you see it differently! Thanks for stopping by Leigha!

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