Love Life and Law of Attraction

Stop Outsourcing Your Self-Worth

Thu, 30 Apr 2026 01:24:47 GMT

Freedom is Closer than. you think

By: Lisa M. Hayes

One of the most dangerous things a person can do is outsource their self-worth.

The moment your value starts living in other people’s hands, you become easier to manipulate. Easier to flatter into bad decisions. Easier to shame into silence. Easier to seduce away from your own instincts. Easier to govern through approval, rejection, status, attention, money, praise, desire, or fear.

When your self-worth is externalized, you are always waiting for someone else to hand you back to yourself.

That is a fragile way to live.

If your worth depends on whether someone wants you, chooses you, approves of you, promotes you, praises you, includes you, validates you, hires you, or publicly reflects you back in a flattering light, then your nervous system is going to stay vulnerable to whoever knows how to work that lever. A person who can control your sense of value can control far more of your life than you think.

They can control your standards.

They can control your voice.

They can control how much truth you are willing to speak.

They can control what you tolerate.

They can control how much of yourself you abandon in order to stay wanted.

This is why sovereignty matters.

Sovereignty is not arrogance. It is not isolation. It is not pretending you do not need love, community, affirmation, or care. Human beings are relational. We are affected by each other. We need belonging. We need witness. We need genuine connection.

But there is a profound difference between being nourished by love and being governed by it.

There is a profound difference between enjoying affirmation and requiring it in order to know who you are.

There is a profound difference between being in relationship and being at the mercy of anyone who knows how to withhold approval.

Owning your sovereignty means your center of gravity returns to you.

It means you stop treating other people’s opinions as final authority over your life.

It means you stop handing your deepest self-evaluation over to people who may be confused, self-serving, unhealed, power-hungry, emotionally immature, or simply incapable of seeing you clearly.

It means you begin to understand that someone else’s response to you is information, not destiny.

That shift changes everything.

A person who has outsourced their self-worth is constantly shape-shifting in response to the room. They are reading faces, adjusting tone, tracking approval, seeking signs, bargaining with acceptance, and quietly organizing themselves around how to remain safe, desirable, impressive, or indispensable.

That kind of life is exhausting.

It is also incredibly easy to exploit.

Entire systems depend on it. Toxic relationships depend on it. Bad leaders depend on it. Manipulative teachers depend on it. Predatory marketing depends on it. So do cultures of control.

If I can convince you that you are not enough without my approval, my method, my platform, my desire, my institution, my gold star, my body standard, my cool table, or my permission, then I can keep you chasing. I can keep you self-doubting. I can keep you available for manipulation. I can keep you spending, performing, apologizing, complying, proving, shrinking, and waiting.

That is not power.

That is captivity with better branding.

Owning your sovereignty breaks that spell.

When you know your worth at the level of your bones, not as a slogan but as a lived internal standard, you become much harder to play with. You become harder to bait, harder to shame, harder to lure into proving, harder to destabilize through inconsistency, and harder to dominate through withdrawal.

You stop needing every room to confirm you.

You stop confusing being chosen with being valuable.

You stop mistaking attention for love.

You stop mistaking approval for truth.

You stop making your life decisions from the frantic, underfed part of you that is still trying to win a verdict.

This is what people mean, whether they use the language or not, when they say someone is unfuckwithable.

They do not mean that person is aggressive, cold, performative, or above being hurt.

They mean that person has become difficult to govern through insecurity.

They mean that person cannot be easily pulled off center by cheap praise or cheap rejection.

They mean that person belongs to themselves.

That is real power.

It matters in every part of life.

It matters in love, because when you own your worth, you stop overvaluing people who merely know how to trigger longing. You stop bargaining with your standards just to stay wanted. You stop calling emotional instability chemistry and calling self-abandonment devotion.

It matters in work, because when you own your worth, you stop handing your identity over to institutions, titles, or the opinions of people who benefit from your overperformance. You can hear feedback without collapsing. You can want success without worshipping approval. You can stay in contact with your value even when the room is fickle.

It matters in business, because when you own your worth, you become less vulnerable to manipulative marketing and less tempted to market yourself in manipulative ways. You stop treating your own humanity like a product that needs constant improvement in order to deserve visibility.

It matters in healing, because healing is not only about becoming softer. It is also about becoming more solid. It is about becoming less available for the forces that taught you to leave yourself in the first place.

This does not happen all at once.

For many people, outsourcing self-worth began early. It was learned in families, schools, peer groups, beauty systems, religious systems, power structures, and economies that taught them to seek their reflection outside themselves. Many people were trained to read the room before they read their own body. Many people were trained to earn love through adaptation. Many people were trained to think worth was something granted by authority, beauty, success, usefulness, or compliance.

So, of course, this takes practice.

You reclaim sovereignty by noticing where your worth still lives outside you.

You reclaim it every time you tell the truth instead of performing for approval.

You reclaim it every time you hold a boundary even when someone dislikes it.

You reclaim it every time you stop auditioning for spaces that require self-betrayal.

You reclaim it every time you remember that rejection is not revelation.

You reclaim it every time you return your authority to yourself.

This is not about never caring what anyone thinks. It is about caring in the right order.

It is about becoming someone whose life is not organized around being externally approved into existence.

It is about becoming someone who can receive love without becoming dependent on praise.

It is about becoming someone who can be disappointed, misunderstood, or disliked without losing contact with their own value.

That is sovereignty.

And yes, it makes you unfuckwithable.

Not because nothing touches you.

Because not everything gets to own you.

Coaching is Not about Polishing People in Ornamental Ways

Thu, 16 Apr 2026 18:44:03 GMT

Inner work is usually not cosmetic

There are a lot of approaches to coaching, and many of them promise results quickly. Some of them even deliver something that looks like progress.

What interests me is not what looks like it is working from the outside. What interests me is what actually holds up over time.

The work I do is not built on intensity, urgency, or constant intervention. It is built on depth, consistency, and a willingness to stay with what is true even when it is inconvenient.

What makes this work actually work is not a perfect strategy or a perfectly executed plan. It is the development of self-trust.

Without self-trust, people will override themselves the moment things get uncomfortable. They will abandon their own knowing in favor of approval, speed, or relief. They will build lives that look good but do not feel right.

With self-trust, everything changes.

A person becomes more capable of making decisions that align with what she knows, even when those decisions are difficult. She becomes less dependent on constant reassurance and more anchored in her own discernment. She becomes someone who can move forward without needing the outcome to be guaranteed.

That shift cannot be rushed.

It is built over time, through honest conversations, through decisions that are made and then lived with, and through a consistent return to what is real instead of what is convenient.

Another thing that makes this work effective is that it does not rely on performance.

There is no version of my work where a client needs to look like she is doing well in order for the process to be considered successful. There are moments where things fall apart, where clarity disappears, where the next step is not obvious. Those moments are not a problem. They are part of the work.

The goal is not to create a polished version of a person. The goal is to support someone in becoming more honest, more self-trusting, and more capable of building a life that reflects who she actually is.

That is what holds.

That is what lasts.

That is what makes this work actually work.

Self-Love Is Anti-Fascist

Wed, 15 Apr 2026 19:27:59 GMT

And seriously, this is not fluff.

By: Lisa M. Hayes

People keep asking what to do in the face of rising fascism, as though the answer will arrive only as a public act, a platform, a confrontation, a vote, a protest, a policy, or a perfectly worded statement. All of those things may matter. Collective action matters. Political action matters. Material action matters.

Community defense matters.

We absolutely need each other in the world, not just in theory.

But before any of that can hold, there is a more intimate question: what kind of self has fascism been trained to rule?

Fascism does not only survive through force. It survives through obedience, exhaustion, fear, hierarchy, spectacle, shame, and the constant manufacturing of human insecurity. It requires people who are alienated from themselves. It works best on people who have been taught to distrust their own bodies, suppress their own instincts, seek permission from power, and measure their worth by compliance, productivity, desirability, and proximity to approval.

Capitalism helps build that kind of person every day.

It does this by teaching people to experience themselves as unfinished products. Not lives. Not souls. Not beings with inherent dignity. Products. Projects. Fixer-uppers. Problems to solve. Bodies to discipline. Identities to optimize. Selves to improve until they are marketable enough, thin enough, young enough, productive enough, pleasant enough, and profitable enough to be tolerated.

Self-loathing is not a side effect in that system. It is fuel.

If you hate yourself, you are easier to sell to. Easier to manage. Easier to rank. Easier to shame. Easier to divide. Easier to keep busy with your own renovation while the world burns around you. If you are locked in constant self-correction, you are less available for revolt. If you are always trying to become acceptable, you are less likely to ask whether the standard itself is violent.

That is why self-devotion matters politically.

I do not mean a shallow, branded, aesthetic version of self-love that stops at candles, skincare, and affirmation cards, though pleasure and beauty have their place. I mean something much more disruptive than that. I mean uncompromising and unapologetic self-devotion. I mean ending the internal arrangement in which your body is a burden, your needs are an inconvenience, your joy is frivolous, your desire is dangerous, and your worth is conditional.

I mean becoming unavailable for the worldview that says your value must be earned through suffering and performance.

Fascism needs people who are already practicing abandonment. It needs people trained to betray themselves on command. It needs people who have made peace with hierarchy inside their own bodies. It needs people who think domination is normal, punishment is virtue, and tenderness is weakness.

A person in real relationship with themselves is harder to recruit into that logic.

A person who trusts their own humanity is harder to flatten.

A person who has broken up with self-hatred is harder to control.

A person who no longer experiences themselves as a fixer-upper project is less likely to worship power for permission to exist.

This is not the whole work, but it is foundational work.

If you do not know what to do about fascism, start by refusing the daily rituals that train you for submission. Stop speaking to yourself like an occupying force. Stop treating your body like enemy territory. Stop making a religion out of self-correction. Stop calling it discipline when what you mean is self-contempt. Stop assuming that cruelty makes you strong. Stop assuming that joy makes you unserious.

Return to yourself.

Feed yourself like your life matters.

Rest like your exhaustion is not a moral failure.

Dress like your body belongs to you.

Speak like your voice is not waiting for institutional approval.

Make beauty that does not ask permission from the market.

Protect your attention from systems designed to keep you dysregulated, ashamed, and hungry for validation.

Become someone the machine has a harder time digesting.

That kind of self-devotion does not make a person less political. It makes them less governable by fear. It makes them less available for manipulation. It makes them more capable of solidarity, because they are no longer building their identity out of scarcity, panic, or proximity to domination.

They can recognize other people’s humanity more clearly because they have stopped waging war against their own.

The first step is not the only step. No one is saying personal healing replaces structural analysis, mutual aid, organizing, or resistance. It does not. But if you want a sturdy foundation for any of that work, begin here: with a self that is not already colonized by shame.

Begin with fierce self-respect.

Begin with radical tenderness.

Begin with the refusal to be turned against yourself.

Begin with the decision that your life will not be organized around becoming acceptable to systems that were never designed to love you back.

Self-love is anti-fascist because it interrupts the training. It breaks the spell. It weakens the inner architecture that authoritarian systems depend on. It reminds you that your body is not a problem, your humanity is not a flaw, and your existence is not a thing that must be justified through obedience.

That is not everything.

It is, however, a beginning.

And in times like these, a real beginning matters.

What Makes the Work Actually Work

Thu, 09 Apr 2026 18:14:04 GMT

Every coach is Different and I'm not for everyone

By: Lisa M. Hayes

*This is a continuation of my small weekly series about how my work, works BECAUSE, every coach is a little or a lot different.*…

There are a lot of approaches to coaching, and many of them promise results quickly. Some of them even deliver something that looks like progress.

What interests me is not what looks like it is working from the outside. What interests me is what actually holds up over time.

The work I do is not built on intensity, urgency, or constant intervention. It is built on depth, consistency, and a willingness to stay with what is true even when it is inconvenient.

What makes this work actually work is not a perfect strategy or a perfectly executed plan. It is the development of self-trust.

With self-trust, everything changes.

That shift cannot be rushed.

It is built over time, through honest conversations, through decisions that are made and then lived with, and through a consistent return to what is real instead of what is convenient.

Another thing that makes this work effective is that it does not rely on performance.

That is what holds.

That is what lasts.

That is what makes this work actually work.

We Are Delusionally Fabulous Now

Thu, 09 Apr 2026 16:39:43 GMT

A Sermon on Shine

There was a time when self-hatred was sold to us as discipline. Self-loathing was dressed up as humility. Compare and despair was passed off as ambition. Self-abandonment was called maturity, womanhood, professionalism, desirability, success.

We were taught to monitor ourselves like enemies. We were taught to stand outside our own bodies with a clipboard, taking notes on what needed fixing. Smaller waist. Younger face. Better skin. More pleasing voice. Less hunger. Less need. Less truth. Less space. Less self.

What a miserable little religion that was.

That era is over.

Self-hate is out. Self-rejection is out. Starving for approval is out. Performing insecurity so other people can feel comfortable is out. Twisting ourselves into something more acceptable, more marketable, more digestible, more male-approved is out of style in the deepest possible way.

Those things are very 2020.

We are not doing that now.

Now we are becoming women who are delusionally in love with ourselves in the holiest sense. Not because we are perfect. Not because we have achieved some final form. Not because the world finally gave us permission. We love ourselves because we have decided that living at war with our own reflection is a tragic misuse of a life.

We are done making a home out of criticism.

We are done confusing cruelty with sophistication.

We are done bowing before beauty standards built by people who do not love women, do not understand women, and do not benefit from women becoming more free.

We are not chasing thin if thin means disappearing.

We are not chasing youth if youth means apologizing for time.

We are not chasing male beauty standards if those standards require us to betray our actual aliveness.

That shit is out of style.

What is in style now is radiance.

What is in style now is devotion to the self.

What is in style now is walking in sunshine like it belongs to us.

What is in style now is strutting.

What is in style now is laughing loudly, moisturizing extravagantly, resting without guilt, getting dressed like the day is lucky to have us, and taking up space like we remember who the hell we are.

We are not awaiting transformation.

We are the transformation.

We are not one more diet away from worthiness.

We are not one more product away from beauty.

We are not one more compliment away from permission.

We are not one more man's desire away from being real.

We are real right now.

This is the season of returning to ourselves with ridiculous tenderness. This is the era of becoming our own type. Our own standard. Our own fantasy. Our own proof that a woman does not become more beautiful by becoming smaller. She becomes more beautiful by becoming more here.

More present.

More adorned.

More alive.

More amused.

More honest.

More herself.

I want women in love with the sound of their own laughter.

I want women who look in the mirror like they are greeting someone beloved.

I want women who buy the good perfume now.

I want women who stop saving their best clothes for a life that has not started yet.

I want women who take the photo.

I want women who dance in the kitchen.

I want women who let joy touch them all the way to the bone.

This is not vanity. This is resurrection.

Because there is something profoundly political about a woman who no longer agrees to hate herself. There is something disruptive about a woman who refuses to spend her life auditing her own flaws. There is something nearly uncontrollable about a woman who has ended the negotiations with shame and begun a love affair with being alive.

That woman is harder to manipulate.

Harder to sell fear to.

Harder to silence.

Harder to diminish.

Harder to rule.

When a woman stops abandoning herself, everything changes.

So let this be the decree: self-abandonment is over now. The era of dragging ourselves through life as our own worst enemy is finished. We are entering the age of shine.

The age of women who choose delight on purpose.

The age of women who dress for their own gaze.

The age of women who take beauty back from the hands of the market and return it to pleasure, artistry, play, power, sunlight, texture, color, and presence.

The age of women who understand that the glow was never hidden from us. It was only buried under the exhausting labor of trying to become acceptable.

No more.

Now we are walking ourselves home.

Now we are speaking to ourselves like someone worth keeping alive.

Now we are feeding ourselves like someone sacred.

Now we are styling ourselves like joy is a practice.

Now we are turning our faces toward the light and refusing to apologize for the shine.

Be unreasonable about loving yourself.

Be extravagant about your own becoming.

Be embarrassing in your devotion to your own joy.

Fall so completely in love with your life force that the old voices cannot find a place to land.

This is your reminder that the sun does not ask permission to shine.

Neither should you.

What Clients Actually Need

Thu, 02 Apr 2026 17:00:21 GMT

It's not more white picket fence mentality

*This is a continuation of my small weekly series about how my work, works BECAUSE, every coach is a little or a lot different.*

In this industry, there is a lot of conversation about what clients want.

More money. More confidence. More clarity. More visibility.

Those things are not wrong. They are just not the whole picture, and they are rarely the deepest truth.

What real clients actually need is someone who can meet them inside the reality of their lives without flinching.

They need someone who is not seduced by performance, who is not impressed by surface-level wins, and who is not invested in keeping their life looking functional at the cost of their truth.

They need someone who can sit with them when things are unclear, when decisions are uncomfortable, and when the version of their life that once worked is no longer sustainable.

I have worked with people at the height of their success who were quietly unraveling, and with people at the beginning of something fragile who did not yet trust themselves to hold it. The common thread is not their income or their status. It is their willingness to face what is real.

Real clients need space to tell the truth before they are ready to fix anything.

They need to be able to say what is not working, what they want that they are not supposed to want, what they are afraid will happen if they choose differently, and what they already know but have not yet acted on.

They need support that does not rush them past that moment.

They also need challenge.

Not performative challenge. Not pressure. Not someone pushing them to move faster so the work looks effective from the outside.

They need someone who will hold them to their own standards, even when they are tempted to lower them. Someone who will point to the places where they are abandoning themselves and ask them to stay.

That kind of work is not always comfortable. It is not always clean. It does not always produce immediate, visible results.

But it is the work that changes a life.

Because real clients are not trying to become better performers inside a system that already does not fit them.

They are trying to become people who can build lives that are actually theirs.

That requires honesty.

It requires self-trust.

It requires the willingness to disappoint people, to take risks without guarantees, and to remain present in the uncertainty that comes with choosing differently.

That is what real clients need, and that is the work I do.

If you’re ready to build a life that is actually yours, let’s talk.

Sometimes What My Work Does Feels Invisible From the Outside

Thu, 26 Mar 2026 17:46:23 GMT

But that's actually the magic of the work

This industry likes to talk about coaching as if the only outcomes that count are more money, more visibility, and faster growth. Those things can matter, but they are not the deepest things my work changes, and they are certainly not the only things I respect.

What coaching actually changes is the way a person lives inside her own life.

It changes the way she makes decisions when fear gets loud. It changes the way she relates to desire, grief, endings, reinvention, risk, and power. It changes the standards she is willing to hold and the lies she is no longer willing to keep repeating just because they helped her survive.

I have watched people make more money. I have also watched them leave marriages, build new ones, start over, tell the truth, disappoint the right people, trust themselves, and choose lives that fit more honestly than the ones they had before.

That is the work.

Real coaching does not help someone perform better inside a life that is already starving her. It helps her become more capable of building a life that is actually hers.

Sometimes that includes making more money. Sometimes it includes losing what was built on a false foundation and having the courage to build again. Sometimes it looks like a woman loving herself enough to stop betraying what she knows. Sometimes it looks like finally admitting that the life everyone praised was never the life she truly wanted.

Some lives look successful only because no one is measuring the cost of living them. A woman can be admired, partnered, productive, disciplined, spiritually fluent, and still be disappearing in plain sight. She can be highly functional and profoundly estranged from herself. She can spend years being rewarded for endurance while her real life waits in the background like an unpaid debt. Coaching, at its best, interrupts that arrangement.

It creates a place where someone can stop managing perception long enough to tell the truth.

The truth is that many people have never been taught how to want what is actually theirs. They have been taught how to want what will make them acceptable, what will make them safe, what will make them legible to family, religion, culture, or the market. They know how to want what will earn approval. They know how to want what keeps the peace. They know how to want what prevents punishment. Recognizing true desire after all of that is not indulgence. It is a reclamation of self.

The deepest transformations are rarely the most marketable ones. They often begin quietly with a cleaner boundary, a more honest decision, a refusal to keep performing wellness while living in misery, or a willingness to remain present in uncertainty without abandoning the self at the first sign of discomfort.

Those shifts change everything because they change the person making the choices.

This is why I do not measure my work only by visible outcomes, even when those outcomes are significant. I measure it by whether a person becomes more able to live with self-trust, honesty, courage, and depth inside the life she is building.

That is what coaching actually changes, and that is the work I care about.

Christianity Was Not Designed for the Freedom of Women

Wed, 25 Mar 2026 21:13:45 GMT

Decentering Men is not a lifestyle choice.

You Cannot Decenter Men While Still Kneeling to One

Women keep being told to decenter men as though it is a lifestyle preference.

It is not.

For many of us, decentering men is survival.

It is what happens when you finally understand how much of your life has been organized around male approval, male comfort, male authority, male desire, male entitlement, male violence, male moods, male stories, male godhood.

It is what happens when you realize men have been positioned as the sun in almost every system you were handed, and you have been expected to orbit. Spiritually. Sexually. Politically. Economically. Morally. Emotionally.

Decentering men is not a brand. It is what a woman does when she is trying to stay alive inside the wreckage of a world built to consume her.

And no, you cannot decenter men while you are still worshipping one.

You cannot build a liberated life while kneeling before a father god, praising a son, quoting male apostles, obeying male interpreters, and calling that freedom.

You cannot decenter men while your spiritual life is still arranged around sacred masculinity.

That is not liberation. That is patriarchy with incense on it.

That is male supremacy in a halo.

That is the oldest con in the book: take domination, make it holy, and then punish women for noticing.

Christianity taught women to romanticize our own diminishment.

To call obedience virtue.

To call submission beauty.

To call silence peace.

To call endurance holiness.

To call being erased love.

It taught women to swallow our rage and name it grace.

It taught women to mistrust our own appetites, our own knowing, our own bodies, our own authority. It taught us that power is masculine, leadership is masculine, divinity is masculine, and the highest female aspiration is to be good enough at surrender that men stop feeling threatened by our existence.

And people want to call that neutral.

People want to call that faith.

No.

It is political. It is architectural. It is a structure built to keep women spiritually disarmed.

Because once men are in the heavens, they are much harder to uproot on earth.

Once fatherhood is divine, patriarchy stops looking like an invention and starts looking eternal.

Once maleness becomes sacred, women are no longer merely arguing with husbands, pastors, institutions, or states. We are arguing with God himself, or at least the god we were handed by men who wanted a universe stamped in their image.

That is why this matters.

Because women are out here trying to heal while still dragging a sanctified male order around in our nervous systems.

We are trying to decenter men in dating while centering them in theology.

We are trying to reclaim our bodies while worshipping inside a religion that taught us our bodies were dangerous.

We are trying to recover self-trust while bowing to a system that trained us to distrust female knowing from the beginning.

We are trying to become free while still calling patriarchy sacred.

Best case: that contradiction will tear a woman in half.

I am tired of pretending it is a small theological difference and you should be too.

It is not.

It is the difference between a spiritual life that belongs to you and one that was built to keep you compliant.

It is the difference between reverence and captivity.

It is the difference between the sacred and the cage.

Women do not need a softer church.

They do not need better branding on the same submission script.

They do not need one more female pastor explaining why hierarchy is actually loving when done right.

They do not need prettier language for their own subordination.

They need to tell the truth.

The truth is that many of us were trained from girlhood to confuse male rule with divine order.

The truth is that Christianity has often functioned as an enforcement system for female obedience with a worship soundtrack.

The truth is that generations of women have been spiritually broken in rooms that called that breaking discipleship.

The truth is that a religion can speak of love while still teaching women to disappear.

The truth is this:

You do not decenter men by refusing to text them back while still building your inner life around a throne full of them.

You do not decenter men while your morality is still ventriloquized through male mouths.

You do not decenter men while you are still taught that the masculine is ultimate, original, saving, lawful, and close to God, while the feminine is derivative, suspect, tempting, emotional, secondary, and in need of control.

You do not decenter men while kneeling.

For some women, leaving men at the center of our lives will require leaving them at the center of our cosmology too.

And that is not bitterness.

That is not rebellion for rebellion’s sake.

That is not immaturity.

That is not being unable to submit.

That is a woman deciding that her soul will no longer be organized around her own diminishment.

It is a woman refusing to call the cage sacred.

It is a woman remembering that survival sometimes looks like blasphemy to the people who benefit from your obedience.

This Is the Work: Real Clients, Real Lives

Thu, 19 Mar 2026 17:21:33 GMT

It's not Goals and big numbers behind the scenes

I’m starting a small weekly series about how I actually work as a coach.

This is not the hype version of this industry. It is the real version.

Last week, I wrote about the difference between coaching inside the echo chamber of this industry and coaching people who are living actual lives. This is a continuation of that.

In the coaching world, there is no shortage of people bragging about how they have helped other coaches make six or seven figures. It has become a kind of currency.

My work is not built there.

I work with real people who are navigating real lives.

I have coached clients into making six and seven figures, and I have coached them through losing it and building it again.

I have coached them through divorce, heartbreak, dating, remarriage, and reinvention.

I have sat with people as they learned to love themselves more than they thought possible, and I have watched that love translate into risk. They begin to make bigger, braver decisions and build lives that stretch beyond what they thought they were allowed to have.

Some of it works, and some of it does not.

All of it matters.

The point is not performance. The point is becoming.

This industry often centers itself, with coaches teaching other coaches how to succeed inside the coaching world. It can become loud, convincing, and far removed from reality.

The people I work with are out in the world.

They are building companies, raising families, ending things that need to end, and beginning things they are not fully ready for. They are making decisions that change the trajectory of their lives.

Some stay for ten minutes, and some stay for ten years.

Over time, they build lives they can actually live inside.

That is what I do.

This is the work.

This Is How a Culture Gets Spiritually Broken

Wed, 11 Mar 2026 17:46:45 GMT

This is not a whoo whoo metaphysical showdown

People hear the phrase spiritual warfare and assume I am talking about something symbolic, theatrical, or supernatural in the most cartoonish sense. I am not. I am talking about the practical and ongoing assault on human conscience that is happening in plain sight.

I am talking about a world that is steadily training people to accept cruelty as normal, dehumanization as policy, confusion as reality, and despair as intelligence. I am talking about systems, narratives, and power structures that require people to become less tender, less honest, less courageous, and less human in order to function inside them without breaking. That is what spiritual warfare looks like to me now.

From missing elders, to ICE, to the devastation of war in the Middle East, to the constant stream of fear, propaganda, brutality, and indifference that structures daily life, we are not only living through political crisis. We are living through a crisis of conscience. We are living through an assault on the soul’s ability to recognize what should never have been normalized.

That is the part I think many people still fail to understand.

The deepest violence of this moment is not only what is being done to people. The deepest violence is what prolonged exposure to it is doing to the rest of us. It is what happens when horror becomes routine, when suffering becomes content, when human beings become categories, and when grief gets flattened into discourse. It is what happens when people can look directly at cruelty and still ask whether the tone of the objection was the real problem.

A culture is under spiritual attack when it can witness suffering without reverence. A society is under spiritual attack when compassion is mocked as naïve but brutality is defended as practical. A people are under spiritual attack when detained migrants, bombed children, grieving families, disappeared women, and shattered communities are reduced to talking points in somebody else’s performance of certainty.

Once suffering is translated into optics, strategy, messaging, or collateral damage, something sacred has already been violated.

I am not interested in a spirituality that can identify darkness only when it arrives draped in mythic imagery. Darkness is often much more polished than that. It arrives as bureaucracy, ideology, convenience, branding, exhaustion, and the dead-eyed language of necessity. It arrives through systems that ask us to tolerate the intolerable, excuse the inexcusable, and protect institutions more fiercely than we protect actual human beings.

That is spiritual warfare in functional terms. It does not only wound bodies. It distorts perception. It corrupts language. It deadens empathy. It teaches people to adapt to what should horrify them and then to call that adaptation maturity. It rewards numbness, punishes tenderness, and recasts moral injury as realism.

Of course, people feel sick. Of course, people feel disoriented. Of course, so many people feel that something is wrong at the level of the soul. Something is wrong at the level of the soul.

We are being trained to become harder than we should be. We are being trained to accept what should revolt us. We are being trained to mistake emotional shutdown for wisdom and silence for sophistication. We are being trained to believe that caring deeply is unsophisticated, that outrage at cruelty is embarrassing, and that maintaining one’s humanity in public is somehow less intelligent than learning to narrate atrocity in a calm and respectable voice.

I reject that completely.

Any force that requires us to become less human in order to survive it is not merely political. It is spiritual. Any system that disconnects us from truth, mercy, courage, and the sacred worth of other people is engaged in spiritual warfare whether it uses religious language or not.

That is why resistance must also become spiritual in the most practical sense of the word. Telling the truth is spiritual work. Refusing dehumanizing language is spiritual work. Feeding people is spiritual work. Protecting the vulnerable is spiritual work. Remaining capable of grief is spiritual work. Keeping your heart open without surrendering your discernment is spiritual work. Refusing to let cruelty become ordinary is spiritual work.

I do not believe the great crisis of this era is only geopolitical. I believe it is moral. I believe it is spiritual. I believe the real battle is over whether we will remain human while the world keeps offering rewards for becoming colder, quieter, more obedient, and more willing to look away.

That, to me, is what spiritual warfare means now.

It is the fight over whether conscience will survive contact with power.
It is the fight over whether truth will survive propaganda.
It is the fight over whether love will survive fear.
It is the fight over whether we will still be able to recognize one another as sacred after being trained, for years, to do the opposite.

And I think that battle is already here.

The Standard is Discernment: Not Every Discomfort is a Red Flag

Tue, 10 Mar 2026 23:21:44 GMT

We have a culture Problem right now and it's keeping us stuck.

Not every uncomfortable feeling is a red flag.

And not every “gut feeling” is truth.

We have a cultural problem right now where we swing between two extremes:

On one side, we glorify intuition as if every internal signal is sacred data.

On the other side, we dismiss discomfort as “just anxiety” and override the body entirely.

Neither is discernment.

Discernment is the skill of telling the difference between what is unfamiliar and what is unsafe.

Because discomfort has many sources.

Sometimes discomfort is growth.

Sometimes it is grief.

Sometimes it is your nervous system remembering.

Sometimes it is trauma patterning.

Sometimes it is social conditioning.

Sometimes it is shame.

Sometimes it is simply the sensation of doing something new.

And sometimes, yes, discomfort is an alarm bell.

The problem is not that we feel discomfort. The problem is when we treat every discomfort as evidence of harm.

If you treat every uncomfortable feeling as a red flag, you will avoid growth and call it boundaries. You will confuse “this is new” with “this is dangerous.” You will confuse “I am being challenged” with “I am being violated.” You will leave every room the moment it asks you to expand.

And you will remain trapped inside the edges of your current self, congratulating yourself for your discernment while secretly shrinking.

At the same time, if you treat every alarm bell as anxiety, you will stay in situations that are actually unsafe. You will keep second-guessing yourself. You will normalize coercion. You will override your body in the name of being “reasonable,” “easygoing,” or “not dramatic.” And you will learn to mistrust your own signals.

Discernment is refusing both mistakes.

Here is a simple question I use:

Is this unfamiliar, or is this unsafe?

Unfamiliar usually has a certain signature. It feels edgy, shaky, new. It can feel awkward. It can feel vulnerable. But it often becomes clearer and more stable with information, time, consent, and support. Your body may be activated, but you are still free. You can ask questions. You can slow down. You can negotiate. You can say no without consequences.

Unsafe tends to have a different signature. It feels constricting. It feels coercive. It feels confusing. It often gets worse when you ask questions, try to slow down, or name your needs. You feel punished for having boundaries. You feel like you have to perform to be accepted. You feel like your “no” is a problem to be managed rather than respected.

That is not just discomfort. That is information.

Discernment is also about context.

Who is this person to me?

What is the power dynamic here?

What happens when I ask for clarity?

What happens when I say no?

What happens when I need time?

Do I feel more like myself in this space, or less?

You do not need to pathologize every reaction. But you also do not need to rationalize every warning sign.

The standard is discernment.

And discernment is not something you either have or do not have. It is something you can train. It is a skill. It becomes sharper when you practice it.

Direct Your Outrage Towards Systems that Cause Actual Harm

Tue, 03 Mar 2026 19:34:00 GMT

Women bashing other women is not sexy

At this point, a woman would have to be doing something genuinely harmful before I would consider making her the subject of my public energy - and I am saying this because this morning alone, I have seen several posts by women, dragging other women, for frankly unimportant shit, AND we just can’t keep doing that.

If another woman has become such a problem to you that you feel compelled to stop what you are doing, compose a post, and publicly criticize her over something trivial, like using AI, editing a photo, being “too political,” being “too negative,” being too visible, too outspoken, too ambitious, or simply too much, then the issue may not be her.

It may be your lack of perspective.

We are living in a time of real stakes. Rights are under attack. Violence is real. Economic instability is real. Exploitation is real. WAR is REAL. Women are carrying impossible emotional, financial, and social burdens while navigating systems that were never designed for our freedom.

So, forgive me if I find it deeply unimpressive when women choose to spend their intelligence, energy, and public voice policing other women over non-fucking-sense.

That is not discernment.

That is not sophistication.

And it is certainly not class.

Class is knowing the difference between what is worth addressing and what is beneath your attention.

Class is having the maturity to distinguish between actual harm and personal irritation.

Class is resisting the reflex to publicly diminish another woman just because she expressed herself in a way that offended your taste, triggered your conditioning, or challenged your comfort.

Not every woman you dislike is your enemy.

Not every woman who does things differently is a threat.

Not every imperfect choice a woman makes deserves a public tribunal.

If a woman is causing real harm, say so plainly.

But if your grievance is that she used a tool you do not like, curated her image, spoke too boldly, refused to soften her tone, or declined to package herself in a way that makes you comfortable, that is not moral courage.

That is misdirected frustration dressed up as a critique.

And too often, it is just internalized misogyny in a more socially acceptable outfit.

Women have been trained for generations to monitor one another, rank one another, humble one another, and punish one another for stepping outside the lines. The details change, but the mechanism stays the same: keep women self-conscious, divided, and easier to control.

So before making another woman your public target, directly or indirectly, it is worth asking a better question:

Did she actually do harm?

Or did she simply violate a rule you were taught women are supposed to obey?

Because those are not the same thing.

Whatever petty beef you have with another woman probably did not start with her.

It started in the patriarchy.

It started in systems that profit from female insecurity and female conflict.

It started in standards designed to keep women competing with each other instead of confronting what is actually oppressing us.

Frankly, women who cannot tell the difference between structural harm and superficial annoyance should be a little less eager to posture as the authority on what other women are doing wrong.

That may sound sharp, but it is true.

At a certain point, publicly nitpicking other women over trivialities is not a sign of intelligence. It is a sign of small thinking.

It is not elegant.

It is not elevated.

It is not feminist.

It is not even particularly interesting.

It is a distraction.

I want to chat about the things you obsess over when you lie awake at night. I want to unpack your dreams and your nightmares. I want to talk about who you were before all that shit dimmed your shine and how to get her back.

I’m not here to fix you because I don't think you're broken—I’m here to help you fall in love with yourself and your life again. No mood shaming, no gaslighting, just real, transformative coaching from someone with three decades of experience. Ready to reclaim your fire? Let’s set some sparks flying. DM me or check me out online at https://www.lisamhayes.com .

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

When You Stop Performing, You Find Out Who He Is

Thu, 22 Jan 2026 21:46:13 GMT

If He wants you to be someone else, Cut him Loose.

What Happens When You De-Center Men?

Let’s talk about the fear a woman moving towards sovereignty wants to admit out loud.

It’s not “can I de-center men.”

The question that freezes a well-behaved woman in her tracks is, “What happens when I do?”

What happens when I stop being so easy to digest?

When I stop smoothing every edge.

When I stop translating myself into something more convenient.

What happens when I stop being quiet enough, pretty enough, literally small enough to be desirable but mostly invisible, weighted against the male gaze?

When I stop living as an audition:

Will he leave?

Will he punish me?

Will he get cold?

Will he call me dramatic?

Will he accuse me of changing?

Will he replace me with someone more pliable?

Here is the only honest answer:

I do not know.

It depends on the man.

And that is the whole-ass-fucking point.

If your relationship survives only while you are easy to digest and consistently easy to look at, it was never built for your best interests. It was built for his comfort, access, entitlement, convenience, pleasure, and entertainment.

If he likes you best when you are pretty and quiet, he doesn’t like you at all.

If he likes you best when you are smaller, softer, and easier, that is not love. That is a preference for compliance.

If he “misses the old you,” ask yourself what he means.

Does he miss your laughter?

Or does he miss your silence?

Does he miss your ease?

Or does he miss how little it cost him?

Does he miss your sparkle?

Or does he miss how hard you worked to make everything feel and look good for him?

A man who misses a smaller, more palpable, more marketable version of you cannot be trusted with your time, your energy, your heart, or anything else.

They miss the version of you that did not require them to grow.

The male gaze is a relationship strategy and a technology of capitalism.

The male gaze is not only cultural. It shows up in relationships as a daily discipline.

It trains women to monitor ourselves in real time.

To check how we sound.

How we look.

How we are landing.

How to be pleasing.

How to not be “too much.”

How to keep the peace.

It turns your body into customer service.

If you stop doing that, the relationship loses a major resource.

Your labor.

Your emotional regulation.

Your social polish.

Your constant reassurance.

Your willingness to be interrupted.

Your willingness to perform okayness.

When you de-center men, you take that labor back.

Of course, the system wobbles.

De-centering men is not “hating men”. The trope that taking our eyes off them to put our focus back on ourselves is somehow man-hating is getting very old.

This is not about punishment. It is about refusal.

Refusal to organize your life around male approval.

Refusal to treat his reactions like your homework.

Refusal to keep performing a version of yourself that makes him comfortable.

This is about a refusal to package yourself in a container that he finds pleasing on any level.

De-centering men does not mean you do not love.

It means you stop orbiting.

He becomes a person in your life, not the sun.

If a man cannot tolerate not being the sun, he is not a partner. He sees himself as a god. And gods demand sacrifices.

Usually, your sacrifice.

What happens when you live your vibe?

Here is the part I want to underline with a pen.

When you stop performing for the male gaze, you do not become less attractive.

You become more alive.

The gaze splits women in two:

the woman who lives, and the woman who watches herself living.

Living your vibe closes the split.

You stop asking, how am I being perceived.

You start asking, who am I becoming.

You stop dressing to be chosen.

You start dressing to be inhabited.

You stop negotiating your truth into something sweet.

You start telling it clean.

And that makes you more interesting.

More engaging.

More present.

More available for connection in a way that expands you.

Not connection that consumes you.

Connection that meets you.

What it looks like in real life -

De-centering men is not a speech. It is a behavior.

It looks like:

you stop cushioning your no

you stop writing apology essays

you stop managing his moods for him

you stop making “nice” your personality

you stop laughing at what is not funny

you stop dressing for the room and start dressing for your nervous system

you stop volunteering to be convenient

you stop calling your needs “too much”

And yes, that can change the relationship.

Because the relationship was benefiting from the version of you that stayed easy.

What happens next?

Again, I do not know what will happen in your relationship.

It depends on the man.

Some men will rise.

They will meet you.

They will become more honest because you are.

They will want the real thing.

Some men will resist.

Because they were not in a relationship with you.

They were in a relationship with your compliance.

They were in a relationship with your performance.

With your pleasantness.

With your willingness to keep the machine running.ç

If that is what comes to light, it will hurt.

And it will also be clean.

Because a relationship that requires your self-abandonment is not love.

It is a contract.

That contract always has a hidden clause.

You do not get to fully be.

The practice for today:

Before you speak, text, explain, perform, or soften, ask:

Am I doing this to be liked, or because it is true.

Then choose your vibe.

One word only.

Sovereign.

Unbothered.

Devoted.

Lethal.

Soft.

Holy.

Free.

Anchor it with a tiny altar.

Three minutes.

One object. One breath. One vow.

Vow options:

I do not audition for my life.

I do not shrink to be loved.

I choose connection that expands me.

I will care for myself for my own pleasure.

I belong to myself.

The bottom line:

De-centering men is not the end of love.

It is the end of packaging yourself. Whatever happens next will be information.

If he only stays when you are digestible, he is not in your best interests.

If he is drawn in, like a moth to the flame, when you become more you, then you have a relationship that can hold your actual life.

Either way, you are moving toward freedom.

The Male Gaze is a Marketplace. I’m Not For Sale

Thu, 22 Jan 2026 00:06:31 GMT

Vibe Over Verdict

The male gaze trains women to ask one question all day long:

Do they like it?

Do they approve.

Do they want it.

Do they think it is pretty.

Do they think it is sexy.

Do they think it is acceptable.

This is not just a social problem. It is an economic one. Capitalism runs beautifully on female self surveillance. If a woman believes her value is visible, measurable, and always at risk, she will spend money trying to stabilize it. She will spend time trying to manage it. She will spend energy trying to perform it.

And she will call it self improvement.

So when I say I am decentering the male gaze, I do not mean I am becoming invisible. I mean I am becoming unavailable to the constant audition.

I am refusing to live as a product.

The shift that changes everything.

The male gaze asks: Do they like it?

I am asking: Do I feel like myself in it?

That is the whole door.

Because a look is designed to be evaluated.

A vibe is designed to be inhabited.

A look can be a costume.

A vibe is an inner climate.

A look can be purchased.

A vibe is authored.

When you commit to a vibe, your choices start serving you instead of performing for the room.

You can still be beautiful.

You can still be sensual.

You can still be dressed like art.

But the center changes.

Not chosen. Self-chosen.

Not approved. Self-possessed.

Not palatable. Present.

What committing to a vibe does to your nervous system

The gaze pulls your attention outward.

A vibe pulls your attention home.

A vibe asks: what do I want to feel like today?

What do I want to radiate?

What am I devoted to?

What am I refusing?

A vibe turns getting dressed into a kind of self-trust practice. Not because your clothes are magic, but because your attention is.

And when your attention belongs to you, you stop leaking power.

A simple practice: Vibe First

Before you decide what to wear, what to post, what to say, or how to enter a room, ask one question:

What is my vibe today?

Pick one word.

Sovereign.

Unbothered.

Devoted.

Iconic.

Soft.

Lethal.

Holy.

Free.

Then let your look become an expression of that word.

Not a plea.

Not an apology.

Not a negotiation.

An expression.

My vibe for today, honestly most days: Unbothered

Unbothered does not mean numb.

It means I keep my energy.

It means I do not turn every glance into a referendum on my worth.

It means I do not volunteer for the role of entertainer, comfort object, or aesthetic service provider.

It means I can be seen without performing.

I am here.

I am dressed.

I am alive.

I am not auditioning.

The Male Gaze is a Capitalist Technology

Tue, 20 Jan 2026 22:55:20 GMT

The Male Gaze Makes Women a Market

The male gaze is not just personal.
It is not just about attraction.
It is not just “men being men.”

It is a primary and reliable tool of capitalism.

Because if women can be trained to view ourselves as products, we will spend our entire lives trying to become purchasable.

We will buy the right face.
The right body.
The right youth.
The right clothing.
The right posture.
The right performance.

We will become our own surveillance system.

Capitalism loves nothing more than a woman who believes her value is visible, measurable, and always at risk.

Because then she will keep working.
Keep perfecting.
Keep purchasing.
Keep comparing.
Keep apologizing for taking up space.

And she will call it self improvement.

What the male gaze costs women

It costs time.
It costs money.
It costs focus.

It turns the mirror into a manager.
It turns the camera into a judge.
It turns the room into an audition.

It trains a woman to split in two:
the one who lives, and the one who watches herself living.

This is why it is exhausting.
This is why it is never done.
This is why it makes even beautiful things feel like pressure.

And this is why so many women can feel “fine” and still feel haunted.

Because the gaze does not only police what we wear.

It polices what we feel allowed to want.
It polices how loudly we speak.
It polices how much pleasure we permit ourselves.
It polices how much softness we think we deserve.

It is not only sexual. It is economic.
It is not only social. It is structural.

The way out is not a new look

I am not interested in “confidence tips” that are just a shinier cage.

The way out is not finding a better outfit to survive the gaze.
The way out is choosing a different allegiance.

Not to a look.
To a vibe.

A look is designed to be evaluated.
A vibe is designed to be inhabited.

A look asks: How am I being seen?
A vibe asks: What am I devoted to? What am I radiating? What am I refusing?

A vibe returns authorship to the woman inside the body.

And once the vibe is yours, the look becomes a tool. Not a verdict.

A daily practice: the Vibe Altar

This is how we exit the performance loop. Not with a grand manifesto, but with a daily ritual that retrains the nervous system and the attention.

Three minutes. Every day.

Name the vibe
One word. Not ten.
Sovereign. Unbothered. Lethal. Devoted. Sensual. Holy. Free.
Offer one ordinary thing
Coffee. Perfume. Lip balm. Earrings. Lotion. A candle. Music. A silk slip. A pressed shirt. A red mouth. Bare feet.
Not for approval. For presence.
Make one vow
One sentence. Clean. True.

Examples:
“I dress for my own nervous system.”
“I am not available to be consumable.”
“My body is not an argument.”
“I belong to myself.”
“Today I choose vibe over verdict.”

Then you live the day from that vow.

Not perfectly.
Not as a performance.

As a commitment.

This is the real rebellion

To stop asking the world to certify you.

To stop treating your reflection like a boss.

To stop confusing visibility with value.

To choose a vibe and let your life assemble around it.

Stop Proving You Deserve to Exist

Tue, 30 Dec 2025 19:14:34 GMT

Living Under Internal Surveillance is no way to actually live

I do not spend energy trying to prove my worth anymore.

That was not always true. For a long time, I did exactly that, in my work, in my relationships, and in the quiet way I moved through my days. I learned early that worth could be negotiated. If I showed up well enough, gave enough, stayed agreeable enough, my place would be secure. Approval became something to earn rather than something to assume.

In my business, this looked like over-explaining and over-delivering while under-charging or not charging at all. I tried to make my thinking accessible to people who had not earned access to it. I spent energy convincing instead of trusting. I mistook being valuable for being undeniable, and I treated exhaustion as an acceptable cost of staying relevant.

In my personal relationships, it showed up as stretching myself thin in the name of connection. I stayed in conversations and relationships longer than my body wanted to. I explained myself past the point of clarity. I carried emotional weight that was never meant to be mine because letting it go felt like a risk to belonging.

In life more broadly, it appeared as a low-level pressure to justify my existence. I felt the need to defend my preferences. I treated rest as something that had to be earned. I believed that if I stopped offering evidence of my worth, it might quietly disappear.

This is the risk of outsourcing worth. When your value depends on external confirmation, the work is never finished. The standard keeps shifting. The audience keeps changing. The rules are rarely clear. You live one step away from feeling disposable.

Outsourcing worth is especially dangerous because the people and systems who benefit from it have no reason to return it to you. They benefit from your striving. They benefit from your self-doubt. They benefit from your willingness to keep proving yourself.

Eventually, the cost becomes impossible to ignore. The body tightens. Joy thins out. The work starts to feel brittle. You may still be competent and even successful, but something essential feels drained. That is often the moment when proving stops working.

The shift away from proving is rarely dramatic. It is usually quiet. It begins with noticing how much energy it consumes and how little it actually secures. It begins with the realization that the effort it demands costs more than it gives back.

I do not spend energy trying to prove my worth anymore because I know what it costs me. I know how much life it takes away from my capacity, my creativity, and my ability to stay present. I would rather use that energy to protect my baseline, choose what actually matters, and live in a way that does not require constant justification.

This does not mean I do not care what people think. It means I am more discerning about whose opinions I carry. It means I no longer confuse worth with output or approval. It means I do not hand my center over to systems that cannot see me clearly anyway.

When you stop outsourcing worth, something steadies. Decisions become simpler. Boundaries feel less like defenses and more like orientation. You stop negotiating your humanity in exchange for reassurance.

This is not a withdrawal from relationship or community. It is a return to yourself. You can still listen, still adjust, still grow, without placing your value on the table every time you enter a room.

I am no longer interested in proving. I am interested in living, working, and relating from a place that does not require me to be on trial.

This is the work.

If this resonates, notice what that recognition is doing in your body. Often, the exhaustion people feel is not from doing too much, but from continuously monitoring themselves for approval. Living under that kind of internal surveillance is costly.

This is the work I do with people who are ready to stop negotiating their worth and start building lives and relationships that do not require constant self-justification. If you find yourself curious about what it would feel like to live without that pressure, reach out and explore it with me.

Feeling Calm is Not the Same as Being Regulated

Tue, 16 Dec 2025 19:09:54 GMT

What Emotional Regulation Actually Means

There is a quiet lie embedded in a lot of healing culture. It says that emotional regulation means you should feel calm, centered, and unbothered as often as possible and if you hit a bump get back there quickly as possible.

That is not regulation. That is suppression with better branding.

Real emotional regulation is the ability to stay present with what is true without abandoning yourself. It is the capacity to feel anger without imploding. To feel grief without rushing to silver linings. To feel exhaustion without turning it into a personal failure.

Stability does not come from forcing yourself to feel better. It comes from telling the truth about what you can and cannot carry. It comes from listening to your body when she signals that something is unsustainable. It comes from letting honesty reorganize your life instead of asking positivity to do that job.

This is why so many people feel worse when mindset tools stop working. They assume they are regressing, when in reality they are outgrowing strategies that required self-betrayal.

You are not broken because you cannot bypass your feelings anymore. You are developing capacity. You are learning how to stay with yourself. You are building a form of resilience that does not depend on denial.

This is the work.

Your body remembers the harm the world asked you to normalize.

Tue, 09 Dec 2025 20:56:31 GMT

Your healing becomes liberation the moment you stop blaming yourself.

There is a point where “mindset work” stops being supportive and starts becoming harmful, especially for women, for people of color, and for LGBTQIA+ communities who have been systematically taught to internalize the blame for pain they did not create.

When healing is framed only as a mindset issue, it erases the conditions that shaped the wound.

It turns oppression into a personal problem.It asks individuals to fix themselves instead of questioning the systems that hurt them.

You cannot “shift your mindset” out of racism.

You cannot “stay positive” through queer-phobia.

You cannot “manifest safety” in a culture that legislates your existence.

You cannot breathe your way out of patriarchy, or journal your way out of generational trauma, or vibrate your way out of structural harm.

And yet so much of the coaching and wellness world asks marginalized people to do exactly that.

It teaches them to adjust their attitude instead of recognizing the violence.

It tells them to regulate their nervous system instead of naming the abuse.

It reframes systemic inequity as a mindset problem so the system never has to change.

Mindset work without context quickly becomes compliance training.

It sedates anger that should be felt.

It spiritualizes harm that should be confronted.

It teaches people to tolerate conditions that were never meant to be tolerated.

The system is at the root of almost everything.

And mindset can only be safely shaped after the system has been acknowledged as part of the problem.

Without that clarity, mindset work becomes a tool for protecting the oppressor by keeping the oppressed emotionally quiet.

Real coaching holds the full truth of a person’s lived experience — their identity, their history, their culture, their trauma, their position in the world.

It never asks someone to override who they are for the sake of appearing “well adjusted.”

It never frames injustice as a personal failing.

It never implies that racism, queer-phobia, misogyny, or structural violence can be overcome through mindset tweaks.

Healing that ignores context is not healing.

It is gaslighting.

Liberation begins the moment we stop pretending mindset alone is enough, and start honoring the systems that shape our bodies, our brains, our emotions, and our lives.

And if you’re ready for coaching that honors your full humanity, your context, your identity, and your lived truth — not just your “mindset” — reach out.

I work differently.

I don’t teach people to perform positivity.

I walk with them through the real terrain of their lives, their bodies, their history, and their becoming.

If you want support that doesn’t shrink you or silence you, send me a message.

We can talk about what real, grounded, context-aware coaching could look like for you.

Your healing is allowed to be slow

Fri, 05 Dec 2025 19:43:31 GMT

The truth about healing that no one says out loud

You are allowed to return to yourself at any pace that feels real.
Not the pace someone else expects from you.
Not the pace of the internet, your family, your past, your coping patterns, or the version of you who pushed herself to move faster just to prove she was okay.

Your healing is not a race.
Your reclamation is not a deadline.
Your becoming does not need to be inspiring or impressive or tidy.

It only needs to be true.

Some seasons ask you to leap.
Some ask you to crawl.
Some ask you to rest until your hands stop shaking.
Some ask you to take one honest step and then pause long enough to feel the ground underneath you again.

There is no shame in slow healing.
There is no failure in pausing.
There is no weakness in pacing yourself.
There is only the quiet courage of refusing to abandon who you are becoming by rushing past her.

You get to come home to yourself gently.
You get to unfold at a speed that does not fracture your nervous system.
You get to reclaim the parts of you that were lost or quieted or softened for survival.
And you get to do it without apologizing for the time it takes.

Real change has its own rhythm.
Real healing honors the body, not the pressure.
Real growth happens in the space where you let yourself breathe, feel, and listen again.

So if you are moving slowly right now, trust yourself.

If you are rebuilding, trust yourself.
If you are finding your way back in tiny, imperfect steps, trust yourself.

You are allowed to return to yourself at any pace that feels real.

And that is enough.

The Kind of Healing No One Really Talks About

Fri, 05 Dec 2025 18:20:37 GMT

What Reclamation Actually Looks Like

There is a truth I keep returning to, both in my own body and in the women I sit with.
Healing does not always look serene.

It does not always look peaceful or enlightened or beautifully composed.

More often, real healing looks like a woman remembering the part of herself she was taught to tame.

A re-wilded woman is a healed woman.

Not because she is feral or out of control, but because she is finally done abandoning herself.

She stops forcing herself to be agreeable when her whole body is saying no.
She stops swallowing her anger to protect someone else’s comfort.
She stops pretending she is untouched by life just to appear spiritually put together.
She stops performing the version of herself that was easier for other people to digest.

Re-wilding is not about chaos.
It is about truth.
It is about instinct.
It is about letting the body speak again after years of being told to be quiet.

A re-wilded woman honors the pulse under her skin.
She trusts the tension in her chest when something is off.
She listens to the grief she has been carrying for decades.
She lets desire be a compass, not a liability.
She allows anger to be information, not evidence of failing at emotional maturity.

She doesn’t have to burn her life down to come back to herself.
She just has to stop disappearing inside it.

This is the healing no one prepared us for.
The healing that returns you to the edges of yourself.
The healing that brings your instincts back online.
The healing that feels less like becoming someone new and more like remembering someone ancient inside you.

If this pulls at something real in you, trust that.
It is not a mistake.
It is not a phase.
It is not your “shadow acting out.”
It is the part of you that wants your life to feel like it actually belongs to you again.

If you want to talk about what that kind of reclamation could look like in your actual life, message me.
Just a human conversation about coming home to yourself. No pressure.

Where My Secrets Become Soil

Thu, 04 Dec 2025 19:44:05 GMT

The World feels possible again

When life begins to unravel at the edges, I want the trees.

Not the deep forest trees people imagine in fairy tales. I mean the ones that grow here, in Mexico, that belong to the Mother is a very intimate way.

These trees survive sun and salt, dust, and fire. The ones that refuse to disappear, even when the land tests them. Their roots are stubborn. Their wisdom is old. Their presence feels like a pulse I can lean my body against.

I crave the way they listen.

I stand with my palms on the warm bark and I let myself speak the things I cannot say inside a house. The trees do not judge. They do not hurry. They do not ask me to be softer or smaller. They just hold what I offer and pull it down into the earth like a secret being composted into something useful.

There is a quiet power in that. A kind of grounding that feels like being remembered.

The trees here understand survival. They understand storms. They understand what it means to keep reaching upward even in a place where the water is unpredictable and the winds change without apology.

So when I touch them, something in me steadies. Something in me remembers I am built of the same ancient elements.

I crave the way my breath slows when I am near them. It happens without effort. As if they are teaching me how to return to myself. As if they are reminding me that grounding is not a technique. It is a birthright.

The wind begins to move through the branches, and I can feel my truth being carried out into the wide, breathing body of nature. Not erased. Not silenced. Circulated. The land knows what to do with a human heart that is too full. It has been doing this far longer than we have been trying to hold everything alone.

Sometimes I rest my forehead against a trunk and let the earth’s steadiness rise through me. The message is always the same.

You belong to the earth.

You belong to the breath.

You belong to yourself.

And in that moment, I believe it again.

The light shifts. The air softens. The world feels possible.

Five Ways to Know Your Spirituality Might Be Born Out of White Supremacy Culture

Tue, 02 Dec 2025 19:12:10 GMT

You might want to make sure it's spirituality you're practicing.

There is a kind of spirituality that feels clean and bright on the surface, like a candle that never burns down. But beneath it lives something older. A shadow that smells like control. A lineage that asks you to be small. A spell cast long before you were born.

If your spiritual path has ever felt like it was draining the wildness out of you, silencing the body, erasing your fire, you are not imagining it. Some of what we call spirituality was built to tame you. Some of it was shaped by white supremacy culture; in fact, a lot of it is, AND it's really bad for your soul, even if you're white. Your soul knows the difference, your body knows the difference. You can feel it in your bones.

Here are five signs you are waking up.

1. Your spirituality demands purity and calls it enlightenment.

If your path insists that you stay calm, peaceful, forgiving, patient, and always composed, that is not spirituality. That is purification. And purification is a ritual of erasure.

A true witch knows that the sacred is not always clean. It is raw. It is emotional. It is alive. A path that refuses your anger, your grief, your desire, your rage, and your joy is not guiding you toward divinity. It is guiding you away from yourself.

2. You were taught that goodness means emotional neutrality.

If you have been conditioned to believe that being spiritual means never being triggered, never naming harm, never breaking the surface of someone else’s comfort, you have not found spirituality. You have found emotional suppression.

White supremacy culture teaches silence and calls it peace. It teaches numbness and calls it mastery. But instinctively, we know that truth moves through feeling. Emotion is oracle. Neutrality is not wisdom. Neutrality is disappearing - particularly for women.

3. You were taught that suffering is a personal failure instead of a wound carried by the collective.

If every pain in your life has been framed as your mindset, your vibration, your manifestation, you have been handed a spiritual mirror that reflects blame, not truth. If your pain has been framed as a lesson or as punishment, you are in a gaslighting abusive relationship with your faith.

Some pain does not come from your thoughts. Some pain comes from systems that were built long before you could speak. Some pain is ancestral. Some pain is political. A path that denies reality is not spiritual. It is delusion wearing a crown.

4. Your spiritual lineage only elevates teachers who look the same.

If every mentor, guru, or model of awakening you follow is white, thin, gentle, wealthy, Western, and perfectly curated, that is not coincidence. That is colonization hidden inside a halo.

White supremacy culture erases the witches, the brujas, the rootworkers, the Indigenous keepers, the Black mystics, the Brown prophets, the queer and the poor who carried their traditions through fire. Real spirituality is not uniform. It is many-voiced, many-bodied, and ancient. If there aren't people who look very different than you in positions of thought leadership in your spiritual world, you are practicing monochromatic racism, cosplaying spirituality.

5. You were taught that spirituality should feel comfortable and if it doesn’t, you are doing it wrong.

If discomfort feels like failure to you, if conflict feels shameful, if rage feels unholy, you have been trained into spiritual obedience, not spiritual growth.

When the discomfort becomes initiation, the ego cracks open. The truth rises from the bones. The systems that harm us get revealed in the light. Real spirituality expands you. It confronts what must be confronted. It roots you deeper into community, not deeper into silence.

A spirituality that never asks you to feel the fire is not a path. It is a spell. And you do not have to live inside it anymore.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Life is Generous

Wed, 05 Nov 2025 05:00:58 GMT

Even when it's not gentle

People talk about manifestation like it’s a vending machine — put in the right mindset, get the thing you want.
But life doesn’t work like that.
Life is not mechanical. Life is intelligent.

And it is generous, sometimes brutally generous.

When I say life is generous, I don’t mean it gives you everything you want.
I mean it gives you what will wake you up.
It gives you what will bring you home to yourself.
It gives you what you’re truly ready to hold.

Generosity isn’t always comfortable.

It’s the breakup that cracks open your capacity to love differently.
It’s the job loss that finally pushes you toward your purpose.
It’s the illness that slows you down enough to hear your own soul again.

So no, this isn’t about spiritual bypassing.
It’s not about pretending everything is fine or floating above the human mess.
When I talk about recalibration, I mean the moment you stop arguing with reality.
You let yourself feel the heartbreak, the rage, the disappointment — all of it.
You surrender not in defeat, but in recognition that what’s happening is.

That surrender is not collapse.
It’s the deepest kind of alignment.
It’s when your nervous system stops fighting the “should be”
and starts living inside the “this is.”

That’s when the field resets.
That’s when life can meet you again.
That’s what I mean by recalibration.

When you meet reality honestly, without judgment, without bypassing, without trying to spin it into instant meaning, the energy begins to move again.

You stop being stuck in resistance and start being available to the generosity already present.

Because life is generous.
Not always gentle.
But generous beyond comprehension.

The moment you stop demanding it look a certain way, you can feel that generosity moving through everything — even the hard parts.

That’s the practice.
That’s the magic.
That’s the recalibration.

If you’re learning to live inside that surrender — if you’re ready to let life recalibrate you instead of fighting the flow — this is the work I do.

Through coaching, ritual, and embodied alchemy, we practice the art of trusting life again.
You can learn more at The Coaching Guild or connect with me directly through LisaMHayes.com .

The Education of Doing Hard Things

Thu, 30 Oct 2025 23:40:22 GMT

There are benefits to being the beginner again.

Finishing my paramedic training was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

It wasn’t just the long hours, the physical tests, or the relentless studying.
It was the humility of learning something new in a language that isn’t mine. The class was in Spanish, and my Spanish is… not great—especially under stress. And this was fucking stressful.

Most days, I sat in class completely lost. I’d take photos of the slides and translate them to English on the spot. Then I’d go home, review the lesson in my English textbook, and watch hours of YouTube videos just to hang on by my toenails.

Some weeks, my saint of a husband had to help me get my shoes on and find my uniform because my desire to keep going was that low.

Every class, I felt stretched—mentally, emotionally, linguistically.
Some weeks, I cried in the car on the way home.
Every single week, I wanted to quit.

Most of the time, I felt small, confused, out of my depth.
And that’s exactly why I had to keep going.

Why I Did It

On the surface, I did it because my community needs care.
We live in a small town in Baja, and every trained responder matters.

But underneath that—on the level that really matters—I did it because I needed to remember what it feels like to be a beginner again.
To be humbled.
To fail and try again.
To do something I wasn’t sure I could do.

That’s a muscle I never want to lose.

Because the truth is, it’s easy to talk about courage when you’re comfortable. It’s another thing entirely to live it when everything in you wants to stop.

Continuing Education of the Soul

I take continuing education for my coaching practice seriously. This has been my continuing education for the last fifteen months, and it might be the best investment I’ve ever made.

Not because it made me a paramedic—though I’m proud of that.
But because it made me a better coach.

Coaching isn’t about sitting above someone and offering insight. It’s about walking beside them when they hit their own edges. It’s about remembering what courage actually feels like in your body, so when you sit across from someone who’s afraid, you know what that feels like—not in theory, but in your bones.

Crossing the Threshold

So yes, I finished, even when I didn’t think I would.
I think I’m now a certified paramedic in Mexico (we’re still waiting for official results).

But more than that, I’m someone who remembers what it feels like to reach the other side of something hard—and what’s waiting there when you do.

If you’re standing at your own edge right now—in the middle of a hard season, a reinvention, or a calling that feels too big—know this:
You’re in training.
And the version of you that’s waiting on the other side is worth it.

✨ If you’re in a moment where you need someone to walk beside you through that edge—to help you hold the line, breathe through the fear, and find your way forward—that’s what I do.
You can learn more about my coaching work here or just reach out.

Pleasure isn’t irresponsible—it’s radical medicine

Wed, 10 Sep 2025 18:37:41 GMT

Your ease is an uprising

We’re living in a culture that wages war on pleasure.

Everywhere you turn, there’s another message that says: work harder, grind longer, deny yourself, numb out, keep going. Rest is laziness. Desire is selfish. Pleasure is dangerous.

But here’s the truth: hedonism and discipline are not enemies. They are mutuals. They hold hands. Pleasure is not what keeps us from our power. Pleasure is what fuels it, especially for women. Discipline is nearly impossible to sustain without the pleasure that feeds it.

The patriarchy thrives on our exhaustion. Capitalism thrives on our apathy. When you are too tired, too numb, too disconnected from your own body to feel joy inside your own skin, you are much more likely to buy useless shit and much, much easier to control

That’s why they would rather have you hypnotized by a screen than lit up by your own aliveness. Scrolling, streaming, consuming—numb and docile, watching commercials and mistaking it for connection. To them, that’s safer than you being wild, ecstatic, and awake.

Pleasure is medicine. It is a responsible, radical, and necessary act of political subversion.

Your laughter is resistance.
Your rest is rebellion.
Your ease is an uprising.

Be soft with yourself.
Eat the food.
Drink the wine.
Lounge in bed in the morning if you can.
Have the sex.
Masturbate instead.
Touch your skin.
Touch someone else’s—with a deep well of consent and intimacy.
Dance until you sweat.
Sing until your throat is raw.
Laugh until your belly aches.
Rest until your body feels whole again.

Stop believing the lie that you have to choose between being disciplined and being hedonistic. Both belong to you. Both make you whole. And the world needs you whole.

And if you’re ready to rewire your life around pleasure—not as a guilty indulgence but as fuel for your power—I can help. Coaching with me is $625 a month for four sessions plus support in between. That’s the investment.

This is the work. This is the most important work you might do this year, this chapter of your life, or maybe even this lifetime.

Let Them Be Afraid

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 19:34:29 GMT

Men respond to fear more than reason

Women will never be safe until men carry fear the way we always have—in silence, in survival, in our skin.

Not afraid of rejection.
Not afraid of getting called out.
Not afraid of getting caught.

Afraid the way we are.
In our bones. In our breath. In our cells.

Men must learn to fear the way we flinch when a door clicks shut behind us.
They must fear the way we scan a room for exits, for eyes, for hands.
They must fear the way we measure every word, every inch, every laugh.

They must fear the way we say, “I have a boyfriend,” instead of, “I’m not interested,”
because lying feels safer than dying for saying no.

We’ve been called too emotional.
Too angry. Too loud. Too much.

But let’s be honest.
What they really mean is: too dangerous—if we ever stop apologizing.

And they are not wrong.

We are dangerous.
Not because we want to be feared,
but because we have learned that being admired does not keep us alive.

Being respected does not stop the hands.
Being believed in does not stop the threats.

The only thing that deters a predator is power.
Not the illusion of it. Not the polite version.
Real power.
Lived-in. Embodied. Weaponized if necessary.

Until they are afraid to harm us—
afraid of the consequences,
afraid of the uprising,
afraid of our solidarity,
afraid of the ancient magic we remember when we rise together—
we will not be safe.

Safety will not come through softness.
It will not be born from silence or from making ourselves smaller to survive.
It will come when our rage is undomesticated.
When our power is non-negotiable.
When our boundaries are no longer suggestions.

They must taste the silence we have swallowed.
They must carry the dread we have lived with like a second skin.
They must feel the fear that shaped our footsteps, our speech, our joy.

Let them feel the quake.
Let them learn to flinch.
Let them sit in the same fire that followed us through hallways, train cars, bedrooms, courtrooms.

This is not vengeance.
This is balance.

We do not want domination.
We want equilibrium.
And if they must feel what we have endured just to stay alive—
let it come.

Let it shake them.
Let it change them.

Because safety—real safety—
will only be born from fear

that finally understands its place.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

You Can’t Step Into Your Power While Still Apologizing for It

Tue, 08 Jul 2025 20:14:06 GMT

(And You Know Damn Well You’re Still Apologizing)

Every time you say, “I’m sorry” for being too much—too direct, too intense, too sensitive, too honest—you are teaching your power to stay quiet.

You cannot reclaim what you keep retreating from.
You will not rise while curating yourself for comfort.

You do not get to be powerful and palatable.
You have to choose.

You are not stuck because you lack clarity.
You are stuck because you fear the cost of being fully seen.
But here is the part no one wants to say out loud: you are already paying for it.

You are paying in numbness.

In resentment.

In the ache of your own invisibility.

And for what?
To stay lovable?
To be perceived as kind?

That is not power. That is pretending..

I see it constantly—brilliant women who carry wisdom, depth, and clarity, but who cannot stop apologizing for their own truth.

They soften the edges.

They pad their insight.
They over-explain.
They coach to be liked instead of coaching to liberate.

They are not confused.
They are conditioned.

But conditioning can be broken.

This is the work I do.
Not to help you become more efficient.
Not to help you master your mindset or manifest your next milestone.
This is not about better habits or spiritual platitudes.
This is about coming home to the version of you who never needed to be edited in the first place.

You cannot live in your full power while prioritizing other people’s comfort.
You cannot be whole and harmless.
You cannot rewrite your story if you are still performing it in real time.

This work is not soft, but it is sacred.

We do not bypass.
We do not script.
We do not pretend.

Together, we name the truth.
We walk through the fire.
We hold the moment without flinching.

This is private, ritual-driven, liberation-rooted coaching.

�� One-on-one coaching begins at $650/month
�� Flexible payment plans are honored
�� This is bespoke, trauma-informed, and built around your actual life

You are not too much.
You are too powerful to keep performing.

If this resonates, reach out.
This is the beginning.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Stop Calling It Burnout. You’re Spiritually Starving

Fri, 27 Jun 2025 17:53:53 GMT

It's more than the fact that you're productivity is dropping

You keep saying you're exhausted.
Burned out. Tapped. Done.

You talk about rest, but rest doesn’t touch it.
You cancel plans and still wake up hollow.
You journal, you breathe, you stretch, you sleep—
and the ache does not go away.

Here is what no one has said to you yet:
You are not just tired.
You are spiritually starving.
You have been living on crumbs.

Crumbs of meaning. Crumbs of beauty. Crumbs of truth.
Crumbs of your own magic, rationed so carefully you forgot what it feels like to be full.

You have been surviving on routine, productivity, and obligation.
You have been pretending that fulfillment lives on the other side of achievement.
You have been bypassing the scream in your gut with gratitude,
trying to convince yourself that numbness is peace.

But it is not peace.
It is emptiness, disguised as functionality.
And underneath it all, there is a hunger.

Not for more hustle.
Not for better habits.
Not for a night off or a new system.

You are hungry for yourself.

The wild one.
The radiant one.
The terrifying, knowing, furious, tender, holy one.

The one you have been too busy to remember.

You do not need more balance.
You need to burn it down.
You need to stop managing your life and start reclaiming it.
You need to stop settling for safety and start summoning the sacred.

That is what I do.

This is not coaching to help you get more done.
This is coaching that reminds you what you are here for.
This is the place where you stop living like a shadow
and come home to your own fire.

�� One-on-one coaching begins at $650/month
�� This is deep, bespoke, liberatory work—private, ritual-driven, and unapologetic

You are not broken.
You are starving.
And the feast is waiting.

This is the work.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Be Unruly. Be Sacred. Be Done Shrinking.

Tue, 17 Jun 2025 19:31:13 GMT

The Resistance Begins Inside You

The world is coming apart.

Every system that told you to behave, be grateful, and shrink to fit, those systems are counting on your silence while everything burns.

They are counting on your exhaustion.

They need your guilt to keep you frozen.

They are invested in your overwhelm.

They are betting that your desire to be seen as good will outweigh your desire to be free.

But it’s time. And you know it.

It’s time to stop cooperating.

Your compliance is choking you.

The revolution, the real one, the one that starts in your bones and spreads like wildfire, does not begin with petitions or protests.

It begins when a woman remembers who she was before the world tried to tame her.

Before she learned to smile while breaking,

Before she wrapped herself in self-improvement, just to survive.

The first act of resistance is not shouting louder.

It is not posting more outrage online.

It is turning inward.

It is always, only, turning inward.

It is reclaiming what was stolen—your wildness, your grief, your rage, your clarity.

You are not too much.

You were never the problem.

You are not meant to survive inside a system that profits from your silence.

And no, this is not about healing in a way that makes you more productive or easier to love.

This is not about optimizing yourself.

This is about becoming whole.

That is what I offer.

I do not offer coaching that pushes you to hustle harder.

This is not a curated, insta-worthy path to a more polished version of yourself.

This is a ritual return to the part of you that still knows how to stay warm

without setting yourself on fire for the heat.

We will build a space where your desires are sacred again.

We will gently unlearn the rules that asked you to trade your joy for compliance.

Together, we will grieve the life you didn’t get and release what you were taught to tolerate.

We will listen for the voice beneath the performance.

And we will rise—not because it’s beautiful, but because we have no other choice.

Let’s be honest.

This world doesn’t need more women who are good at pretending they’re okay.

The world needs women who are difficult and defiant.

New goals unlocked:

Be unflinching. Be unapologetic. Be unruly.

1:1 coaching with me begins at $650/month

Flexible payment plans are available

This is sacred, bespoke, unrushed work—built on truth, not templates

You do not need to be improved.

You need to be reclaimed.

The resistance begins inside you.

This is the work.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach t

What If Healing Didn't Have to Be So Boring?

Thu, 29 May 2025 18:33:47 GMT

(And What If Magic Was the Most Radical Way to Be Whole?)

Let’s be honest. Healing has been hijacked.

It has been flattened into a checklist.
It's been turned into a brand.

Repackaged as a product you can buy, track, share, and monetize.

We’ve been sold the idea that being whole means perfect routines, a regulated nervous system, and polite, digestible versions of truth.

But healing is not tidy.

It is not quiet.
And it doesn’t require you to turn your soul into a personal development project.

What if healing didn’t mean fixing anything?

What if it meant remembering?
Not learning something new, but unearthing what was always inside you—before the world convinced you to forget.

Magic is not an escape.
It is not an aesthetic.
It is not something you wear on the weekends when the moon is full and you finally feel safe enough to feel.

Magic is a return, to power, to presence.
It is the return. to the parts of you that still know how to shape-shift and summon and speak your own name in the dark.

The truth is, magic is the most nonviolent, most resistance-making, most confrontational way to move through life.

It does not ask you to fight the system.
It asks you to remember you were never of it.
Your joy, your grief, your knowing—
they are already sacred.

And every time you were told to tone it down or clean it up,
you were actually getting warmer -closer.

Too many women are still avoiding their magical nature.
Avoiding their birthright.
They have been trained to think their power needs permission.
That being grounded means being palatable.
That healing should be quiet, pretty, and productive.

You do not have to heal like a good girl.
You do not have to keep swallowing your fire to stay spiritually polite.

You can let it be messy.
You can let it be mystical.
You can let it be holy and haunted and loud.

That is what The Unveiling is for.

This is not self-improvement.
It is not another coaching container.
It is not a better version of the same old story.

This is the ritual you were never given.

The one that says:
You are already enough.
You are already sacred.
You are already powerful.

If you want to remember that—not just in theory, but in your body, in your breath, in your bones—
you have to stop avoiding your own magic.

The Unveiling is one-to-one.
It is deeply personal.
It is built on spaciousness and truth.

You begin with a care package.
We unfold on your timeline.
And yes, we go deep.

�� $1080
�� Payment plans joyfully honored
�� Begins when you say yes to no more pretending

If you are ready to stop managing your healing like a job
and start living it like a sacred, embodied spell—
this is where it begins.

You have always had the magic.
Now you remember.
https://www.lisamhayes.com/the-unveiling

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

You Are More Terrifying Than You Know

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 27 May 2025 19:11:09 GMT

(And That's Exactly Why They Taught You to Be Afraid of Yourself)

There is a version of you
buried beneath the performance,
beneath the gratitude you’ve weaponized against your own rage,
beneath the careful tone, the spiritual bypass, and the never-ending to-do list.
She is untamed,
uncompromising,
and electric with power.

You don’t fully know her yet, but you’ve felt her.

She lives in the moments you almost said what you meant.
She waits in the stillness right before you chose peace over truth.
She holds her breath in the split second when your body said no
and your mouth still smiled.

She is there.
She is waiting.
Not for another affirmation.
Not for a full moon ritual.
Not for the right coach or the right moment or for the stars to align.

She is waiting for you to stop pretending you are not dangerous.

You are more terrifying than you think.
Not because you are harmful.
But because you are honest.
Because you are whole.
Because you are holy in a way that will never kneel to the machine.

This world is afraid of a woman who does not apologize for what she knows.
A woman who remembers her body as altar,
her grief as spell,
her rage as compass,
her intuition as weapon—one the patriarchy cannot decode.

You were not built for contentment.
You were built for resistance.

But here’s the paradox.
Before you can lead a revolution,
you must lead yourself back to the part of you that never consented to the cage.

That’s the work.

My coaching is not a performance.
It is not personal development as usual.
It is not cheerleading from the sidelines of your collapse.

It is rewilding.
It is ritual.
It is reclamation.

It is the space where you stop fixing yourself
and start unleashing yourself.

The world you’re living in is a red-hot mess.
The violence is loud.
The grief is thick.
The silence is deadly.

The most dangerous thing you can do right now is stay small.

�� 1:1 coaching begins at $650/month
�� Flexible pricing available
�� This is deep, bespoke, soul-fanged work
�� No scripts. No bypass. No pretending.

You are more terrifying than you know.
That isn’t the problem.
That is the beginning.

This is the work.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

You Were Always Magic

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 13 May 2025 18:13:14 GMT

And you can't hide it anymore.

You've always known,

even when the world told you to forget,

even when they said it was childish, dangerous, or wrong.

Still—you knew.

You've heard it in the silence between your heartbeats.

You've seen it flicker in the corner of your eye.

You've felt it in the chill before the storm-

-in the ache that rises before the grief arrives,

-in the knowing that can't be traced or proven—but never lies.

You were born with this.

Before the shame, before the schooling, before the hollowing out of what made you strange and beautiful, they taught you to call it instinct instead of intuition,

coincidence instead of divination,

imagination instead of insight,

But you were never confused.

You were coerced.

You learned to trade your knowing for logic.

You learned to smile instead of speak.

You learned to keep your rituals private, your magic small.

Just because you've been trained doesn't mean you've been tamed.

You still see what others dismiss.

You still hear the hum beneath the noise.

You still carry the pulse of something older than reason.

And the pedestrian world grey and cold without magic?

It's unraveling.

It is not order that will save us.

It is not perfection.

It is not reason, or data, or another neatly categorized path to nowhere.

It is magic.

It is blood-deep knowing.

It is the sacred chaos of women who remember how to read the dark.

This world needs magical women,

women who do not flinch in the face of shadow,

women who speak to what is unseen,

women who can walk into the haunted places and stay there—

not to escape, but to reclaim.

You don't owe anyone an explanation for your knowing

or for your gifts

or for the rituals you keep like flame in your chest.

You don't need to be soft to be sacred.

You don't need to be pretty to be powerful.

Your magic is not a performance.

It is not an aesthetic.

It is not a phase.

This is about undoing the forgetting.

Your wild is still in there—

howling behind your teeth.

It is waiting at the edges of your dreams.

It is braiding itself into your breath.

You don't need to rise above anything.

You need to sink in.

Root down.

Call your soul back from every place it's been fragmented.

You are not soft light.

You are candlelit ceremony.

You are full moon in a dead forest.

You are thunder in velvet gloves.

You are not here to heal the world through obedience.

You are here to haunt it back into remembering.

You were always magic.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

The Grey Scale Life Behind the White Picket Fence

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 08 May 2025 17:47:32 GMT

But it looks so perfect from the outside...

You’ve built a life with intention.

The career, the home, the relationship, the calendar full of plans.

You did what you were told would lead to happiness—checked the boxes, followed the rules, stayed the course.

And by every visible measure, it worked.

You have what so many people want.

You’re not failing. You’re not in crisis.

You’re not lost.

But you’re not lit up either.

There’s a dullness you can’t quite explain.

A sense that something essential has gone missing, even though everything around you looks fine.

You smile. You show up. You function.

Deep down, you can feel it—

your life has gone grayscale.

It’s not that you’re ungrateful.

It’s not that you want to burn it all down.

It’s that you know there’s something more,

something fuller,

something alive that you haven’t touched in a long time.

You remember a version of yourself who laughed louder,

moved with more instinct,

spoke with less caution.

And now?

You’re wondering where she went—and how to get her back.

This isn’t failure. It’s awareness.

It’s what happens when the life you built no longer fits the person you’re becoming.

It’s not a crisis of gratitude.

It’s a call toward your own aliveness.

If that’s where you are—if you’re standing inside a beautiful life and still wondering why it doesn’t feel like yours anymore—you’re not broken.

You’re just ready for something deeper.

Coaching begins at $650/month, with flexible options available.

Payment plans are always available

This isn’t about abandoning your life. It’s about reclaiming yourself inside it.

Let’s begin: www.lisamhayes.com

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

The Revolution Needs Women Who Remember They Are Wild

Wed, 07 May 2025 17:34:11 GMT

The call is coming from inside the house

The world is coming apart -

and every system that told you to behave, be grateful, and shrink to fit—those systems are counting on you to keep playing along while everything burns.

They are counting on your exhaustion.

They need the guilt you feel for not doing "enough" to be paralyzing.

They are investing in your overwhelm and confusion.

They are betting on your desire to be seen as good to outweigh your desire to be free.

It's time, and you know it.

It's time to stop cooperating because your compliance is choking you.

The revolution—the real one, the one that starts in your bones and spreads like wildfire—doesn't begin with petitions or protests.

That revolution begins when a woman remembers who she was before the world tried to tame her.

It begins before she learns how to smile while breaking.

It begins before she wrapped herself in self-improvement to survive.

The first act of resistance is not shouting louder or sharing more posts about how bad things are on social media.

It's turning inward. It's always only about turning inward.

It's reclaiming what was stolen: your wildness, your grief, your rage, your clarity.

You are not too much.

You were never the problem.

You aren't meant to survive in a system that profits from your silence.

And no, this isn't about healing in a way that makes you more productive or palatable.

This isn't about becoming easier to love.

This isn't about mastering another productivity hack.

This is about becoming whole.

That is what I offer.

I do not offer coaching that pushes you to hustle harder.

This is not an insta-worthy curated journey to a more polished version of yourself.

But a ritual return to the parts of you that still know how to stay warm without setting yourself on fire for the heat.

We will construct a space to remember your dreams and desires at an organic level.

We will gently unlearn the rules intended to maximize your productivity at the cost of your joy.

Together, we will grieve the life you didn't get and let go of what you were taught to tolerate.

We will tune into the voice beneath the performance, to rise—not because it's inspiring, but because you have no other choice.

Let's be honest—this world doesn't need more women who are good at pretending they're okay.

The world needs women who are difficult and defiant.

New goals unlocked: Be Unflinching, unapologetic, and unruly.

1:1 coaching with me begins at $650/month

Flexible payment plans are available

This is sacred, bespoke, unrushed work—built on truth, not templates

You need to be reclaimed.

The resistance begins inside you.

This is the work.

She Was the Temple Before They Built the Church

Tue, 06 May 2025 18:31:09 GMT

We Were God Before They Wrote Him Down

Before religion was written down, it was lived.

It moved in bodies that bled with the moon.

It thrived in cycles, in breath, in the quiet strength of women who created life from their own flesh.

What is religion if not the sacred act of creation?

In the beginning, there was no priest.

There was no dogma.

There was no confession or contrition.

In the beginning, there was the womb.

There was the world built from her body and her breath.

Women don't need to seek the divine.

We are the divine—living proof that creation is not a metaphor, but blood, bone, and breath -

and that terrifies the men who can't do what we can.

So, they rewrite the story.

They make man the first creation, and woman the afterthought.

They make god a father, and sin a woman's invention.

They turn our knowing into danger and our wisdom into blasphemy.

When they can't embody power, they design systems to contain it.

When they can't replicate creation, they teach the world to fear it.

They take our sacred rituals and label them sorcery.

They call us witches, heretics, temptresses.

They light a fire under our feet and call it justice.

Still, we remember.

We remember through care that doesn't ask to be celebrated.

We remember through grief that becomes ceremony,

We recall through birth, through rage, through survival that looked like softness but was anything but fragile.

They tried to make us forget where we came from.

But the sacred was never something they could own or conceal.

Religion became a way to control what they could not become.

It offered rules where there had once been relationship.

It replaced reverence with fear.

It convinced generations that holiness was something to be earned, rather than embodied.

The truth was never erased—it was buried.

And we've been digging it up ever since.

You don't need a title to speak the sacred.

You don't need a pulpit to stand in your truth.

You don't need to ask permission to carry divine power in your body.

The sacred feminine was never lost.

It was silenced.

It was shamed - hidden in plain sight.

Now it's rising again—not in quiet, but in clarity.

The sacred rises not in secret, but in sovereignty.

We are not waiting to be invited back, but we returning on our own terms.

You are not an afterthought.

You are not the helper.

You are not a mistake.

You are the source.

You are the story before it was edited.

You are the god they feared would remember herself.

You don't need a doctrine.

You don't need to earn the sacred.

You are the sacred.

You were the temple all along.

If something in you is waking up—if your bones are humming, your voice is rising, and you know you were never meant to heal quietly in the margins—this is your moment.

This isn’t self-improvement.
This is spiritual reclamation.
This is the return to power that was never truly lost—just buried beneath obedience, performance, and centuries of silence.

You don’t need to figure this out alone.
You need a space where your rage is welcome, your wisdom is recognized, and your story is no longer reduced to survival.

That’s what coaching with me is.
It’s a sacred container where you come home to the part of you they tried to unwrite.
And it changes everything.

�� Coaching begins at $650/month
�� Flexible pricing is available
�� Deep, relational, sovereign work—on your terms

You don’t need another blueprint.
You need someone who sees the fire in you—and knows how to help you use it.

Step in here: www.lisamhayes.com

You don't need another breakthrough

Thu, 01 May 2025 18:45:13 GMT

I coach the version of you that remembers she was powerful

long before she was polished.

You’ve done the work,

the mindset shifts,

the therapy,

the journaling,

the shadow integration.

You’ve had the breakthroughs—

those moments where something clicks,

where the pain finally makes sense,

where the patterns unfold like a map across your memory.

And yet—

here you are.

You are still circling,

still carrying things that don’t belong to you,

still performing pieces of a life that was never built to hold your full weight.

You are not failing --

you're just unfinished, but unfinished can sure feel like a failure.

There is a difference between understanding your wounds

and choosing to live differently -

between insight and liberation,

between breakthrough and return.

You don’t need more tools.

You need truth that doesn’t blink.

You need a space that can hold you without asking you to shrink first.

You need someone who won’t hand you a script—

but will sit beside you while the old self unravels

and the real one steps forward.

I don’t coach the version of you that knows how to play along.

I coach the version of you that remembers she was powerful

long before she was polished.

before she was palatable.

before she was polite.

You don't have to be winning all the time to be growing.

You don't have to be polite to me.

You don't even have to like me every step along the way

This isn’t coaching for performance.

This is coaching for resurrection.

I don’t need you to be ready.

I need you to be real.

Real - even if your voice shakes.

Real - even if the only thing you’re sure of is that you’re done pretending.

This work doesn’t happen in perfect sentences.

It happens in full-body truths.

It happens in the spaces where you finally stop negotiating with your own soul.

And if you’re feeling that tug in your chest—

that ache that says this version of your life is too small for who you really are—

you already know.

It’s time.

Not to become someone new, but to stop apologizing for the person you’ve always been.

�� 1:1 Coaching with me is not a container. It’s a clearing.

�� We go deep. We go wide. We go sacred.

�� Starting at $650/month, with flexible pricing options available.

�� No pressure. No templates. Just the truth, beautifully held.

Ready when you are: https://www.lisamhayes.com

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Self-Help Won’t Save You from Fascism

Wed, 30 Apr 2025 16:39:42 GMT

The Self-Help INdustrial Complex is not going to stand up to fight the good fight, but it is going to continue to profit from capitalism

You are not a mess.

You are not behind.

You are not failing at life.

You are in a country on fire, in a period in history, none of us wanted to live through, where the word unprecedented is a daily occurrence.

This is where billionaires are building rockets while children go hungry.

This is where elections feel rigged by design.

Rights are disappearing—one executive order at a time.

People who are supposed to protect you are stockpiling power instead.

When it all starts to feel impossible—

when the news is too much, when your chest tightens, when your sleep disappears—

the machine says:

“Maybe you just need better boundaries.”

“Maybe you need to journal more.”

“Maybe if you meditated, you'd feel better.”

Because if you're busy fixing yourself,

you won't look too closely at the rot holding this place together.

Self-help has become a convenient distraction—

a slick, digestible way to keep you quiet and compliant while the foundations crumble.

You're not burned out because you're broken.

You are burned out because you're trying to function in a sick, dying system that wants you to stay nice, stay positive, stay busy—

while democracy dies in plain sight.

Of course you're fucking tired.

Of course, you're drowning in anxiety

Of course, you feel like you can't keep up.

This isn’t just life in late-stage capitalism.

This is the soft edge of fascism—

and we are being asked to respond to it with bubble baths and robo calls to our representatives.

Don’t misunderstand:

Self-care matters.

It is sacred.

It is necessary.

But self-care without community care—without resistance, without action?

That’s not healing.

That’s sedation.

This moment does not call for perfection.

It calls for presence.

Sure, rest.

Yes, tend to your body.

Unplug when you must.

But when you rise—

rise awake and loud.

Rise willing to name what’s happening,

and willing to fight for a world where care isn’t a product,

but a shared responsibility.

You're not too sensitive.

You're tender heart is stronger than they want you to believe.

You're responding to a reality that demands more than coping.

The ones who will help build what comes next

will be the ones who never confuse personal peace with collective freedom.

This isn't self-help.

This is self-honesty.

This is the work.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, good. That’s the right response to a broken world.

But you don’t have to stay stuck there. You don’t have to try to survive this moment alone.

This is not the time to raw-dog life.

This is the time to work with someone who can hold space for the mess, the magic, and the truth of what you're carrying.

Not just to save your sanity, but to recover your joy, to reconnect to what is real, and to build something more human and whole inside yourself—even when the world feels unrecognizable.

One-on-one coaching with me begins at $650/month

Flexible pricing and deep, intuitive work available

This is not a productivity plan. It’s a radical return to your own power

You don’t need to be fixed.

You need to be supported. We all do right now.

Let’s walk together:

You Are Favored by the Old Gods and Goddesses

Tue, 29 Apr 2025 16:34:56 GMT

The goddesses do not call the polished.

Not the gods of war and shame.

Not the ones in pulpits and parables.

Not the ones who built kingdoms by silencing women

and sanctifying obedience.

I’m talking about the ancient ones.

These are the goddesses made of root and river.

They are the ones who bled with you.

They are the ones who rose with dirt in their hair and fire in their eyes.

They do not want your worship—

they want your alliance .

You’ve survived what should have ruined you—

and came back with your spine intact.

Your grief doesn’t hush you.

It guides you.

Your rage doesn’t shame you.

It fuels your truth.

You’ve known hunger that couldn’t be named.

You've felt a longing that couldn’t be explained -

a pull toward something older than language

and deeper than logic.

You have tried to play the part—

and failed spectacularly.

No goddess was ever born to be palatable.

You are favored when you feel too much,

when you question everything,

when you outgrow your containers faster than anyone can replace them.

The goddesses do not call the polished.

They call the ones with cracked voices and burning hearts.

The ones who have been exiled for their wisdom.

The ones who cry like ceremony

and speak like spells.

You are favored when your softness is not weakness—

but weapon.

When your intuition doesn’t ask for proof—

it demands respect.

You are favored when you no longer seek approval,

only alignment.

When your healing stops being performance

and starts being prophecy.

You are favored when your joy is unruly.

When your body is a compass.

When your boundaries are sacred, not negotiable.

The goddess does not sit on a cloud.

She walks beside you.

She lives in your bones.

She rises in your no.

She blesses your boundaries,

your belly laugh,

your refusal to shrink.

If you feel too wild, too broken, too intense—

you’re not.

You are just divine in a world built to fear goddesses.

And this world?

This moment?

It needs you.

It needs your refusal.

It needs your memory.

It needs your magic that doesn’t come with disclaimers.

You were not made to be tamed.

You were not born to obey.

You are not here to smile through your own silencing.

You were blessed by the goddess

to rise.

Blessed to speak what cannot be spoken.

Blessed to tear down what was built on your back.

Blessed to walk away from what no longer remembers your worth.

You were not blessed to fit in.

You were blessed to break spells and generational curses,

to shake the ground,

to be the sacred disruption.

So if you’re still here,

still burning,

still full of grief and grace and holy defiance—

then yes,

you are favored.

You are favored by every goddess who ever stood on ash and called it holy ground.

You are favored by every ancestor who lit a candle and said your name.

You are favored by every sacred force that saw your power

and said,

It’s time.

Stand now.

speak.

rise.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Self-Care Was Never Supposed to Replace Community

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 18:05:52 GMT

Sometimes what we need is community care.

Self-care matters.

Most women barely know what it feels like to really, deeply give it to themselves.

To rest without guilt.

To say no without explaining.

To tend to their bodies like sacred ground instead of an afterthought.

Self-care is holy.

It is necessary.

It is survival work in a culture that teaches women to bleed out quietly.

Self-care is not the solution to everything.

It was never meant to be.

What we’re being sold now is not just self-care.

It’s the self-care industrial complex—

a multi-billion-dollar market built to convince you that if you're burned out, isolated, broken, or grieving,

the answer is more products.

More candles.

More journals.

More five-step morning routines.

Self-care has been weaponized into a consumer performance,

pitched as the universal fix for a world that is fundamentally sick.

Because as long as we are told to heal alone,

we will forget that healing was always supposed to be collective.

Sometimes what we need isn’t more self-discipline,

or more self-soothing,

or more time alone.

Sometimes what we need is community care.

We need food banks that aren’t begging for donations.

We need childcare that doesn’t cost a second mortgage.

We need neighbors who show up without being asked.

We need mutual aid.

We need networks of care that aren’t built to profit off our exhaustion.

And yet—those structures are disappearing.

Deliberately.

Strategically.

Because a person who thinks she must heal herself in isolation

is a person too tired to organize,

too drained to resist,

too burned out to build anything new.

This is how white supremacy culture sustains itself:

by convincing us that self-responsibility is the only responsibility,

that needing others is weakness,

that suffering in private is noble,

that purchasing healing is the same as receiving care.

It isn’t.

Self-care matters.

But it will not fix what community neglect has broken.

It was never meant to carry the whole weight of our healing.

So yes—take the bath.

Say no.

Rest.

Feed yourself like you are something worth saving—because you are.

But also:

Demand better.

Reach out.

Tear down the lie that healing is a solo act.

Refuse the story that says you must be your own village.

Build new structures of care, messy and human and alive.

Because we were never meant to do this alone.

We survive through each other.

We heal together.

We resist together.

And together is the future they never wanted us to remember.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Coaching that Doesn't Flinch

Thu, 17 Apr 2025 16:49:51 GMT

You are not stuck

If you're still looking for coaching that makes you feel comfortable, I am probably not the coach for you.

This is not the place for soft landings and endless processing.

This is the place for exorcising the performance -

for burning down the blueprint,

for finally telling the truth:

You're not confused.

You're exhausted from pretending.

You're not stuck.

You're just too full of shit that doesn't belong to you.

You've read the books.

You've done the shadow work.

You've lit the candles.

You've whispered affirmations into a void that never gave anything back.

So here you are,

still craving something real,

something feral,

something that doesn't require you to explain your trauma in a calm tone to be believed.

I don't coach the polished version of you.

I don't coach your "highest self."

I coach the one beneath the rubble -

the one who knows how to set a boundary without asking for permission,

the one who is not interested in being healed into a more marketable version of herself.

You don't need another fucking template.

You don't need another set of pre-boxed processes.

You need a threshold.

You need holy interruption.

You need someone who won't flinch when your truth finally starts to scream.

This is not about becoming whole so you can be more productive.

This is about refusing to disappear.

If your healing doesn't make you more dangerous,

you're doing it wrong.

And if you're ready to stop managing your pain

and start reclaiming your power,

I'm here.

This is not a program.

It's a portal.

This is the work.

I will walk with you through the fire—

but only if you're ready to stop pretending the smoke isn't real.

This is 1:1 coaching for women who are done performing and ready to reclaim the whole truth of who they are.

This is sacred, tailored, no-fluff work.

Sessions are flexible, deeply personal, and rooted in liberation—not perfection.

Price begins at $650 per month - custom pricing available.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

You were the Temple All Along

Tue, 15 Apr 2025 17:11:05 GMT

And God has been a woman the whole time.

You were taught to kneel before a God who didn’t look like you.

Who spoke in thunder, punished with fire,

and demanded that you stay small in His name.

You were taught that the divine was distant.

Male.

Authoritarian.

An overseer.

An angry and vengeful father.

But before that story—

before the dogma,

before the edits,

before the men in robes rewrote the sacred for their own power—

God was a woman.

She was the blood in the soil.

The breath in the trees.

The hands of the midwives.

The moan of the earth opening for new life.

She was birth and decay and resurrection.

She was the rhythm of the moon and the pulse in your chest.

She didn’t sit on a throne.

She moved through you.

You weren’t born in sin.

You were born from power.

You were the portal.

You still are.

Every human who has ever lived came through the body of a woman.

That’s not metaphor.

That’s not poetry.

That’s divine math.

That’s creation.

And still—

they rewrote you out.

They built religions on your erasure.

They called your knowing dangerous.

Your rage demonic.

Your grief excessive.

Your body shameful.

They turned your altar into a battleground.

Your pleasure into a crime.

Your power into something to be contained, converted, or consumed.

They built their god in the image of control.

And they told you to worship Him,

even as you bled,

even as you broke,

even as your soul whispered this is not the truth.

You don’t need their permission to remember.

You don’t need their forgiveness to rise.

You don’t need their approval to reclaim what’s always been yours.

The divine has always spoken in your language.

She’s always lived in your bones.

She’s always bled with you, raged with you, wept with you.

You were not created to be small.

You were not made to perform submission.

You were not built to carry shame as a birthright.

You were born of the holy.

Born for the holy.

And it lives in you still.

So if the version of God you were handed makes you feel like too much—

good.

You’re remembering.

You’re waking up.

You were never meant to be saved.

You were meant to be sovereign.

You don’t need more sermons.

You need the shock of remembering.

You need a return -

to the God that looks like you.

Breathes like you.

Creates like you.

Rages like you.

Forgives like you.

Bleeds like you.

God is a woman.

And you are Her echo, her shadow, her experiential soul.

You are her vessel.

You are her voice.

You are the altar.

You are the flame.

You are the one.

Act like it.

You don't need to be afraid.

You need to be awake.

If you would like a little or a lot of help remember who you are and forgetting all that other stuff, hit me up. That is my favorite kind of work.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

The World Needs Magical Women

Fri, 11 Apr 2025 18:03:13 GMT

Because magic was never the absence of logic

Magic has always been the most seductive sibling—

not quite science, not quite psychology,

but whispering truths they both forgot how to feel.

She's the one who slipped through the cracks,

too wild to be measured,

too soulful to be boxed,

too honest to be explained away -

not softer.

not more feminine.

Just deeper,

older,

a little dangerous.

Because magic was never the absence of logic—

it was what came before logic,

before we needed proof,

before we needed language,

before we needed anyone's permission to trust what we already knew.

Magic is wild, animated focus.

It is soul-deep noticing.

It is the devotion of paying attention to what others have been trained to overlook.

It's the rhythm between heartbeats.

Magic is the echo behind your dreams.

She is the ache in your bones when you know something is coming but you can't explain how.

Magic doesn't label your emotions good or bad—

she knows they all carry data.

She knows rage is sacred.

Grief is an altar.

Desire is divine.

Joy is holy.

Magic knows that you don't need to transcend the human to become spiritual—

you need to descend fully into your humanness,

into your body,

into your blood,

into your instincts.

The point was never to rise above—it was to root in -

-root into the earth.

-root into your knowing.

-root into the part of you that never forgot.

We've spent generations being tamed,

cut off from the mystery.

We've been taught to fear what we couldn't measure.

We've been force-fed shame for believing in something unseen.

We've been told that magic was childish,

frivolous,

unscientific.

Here's the truth they don't want you to remember:

You were born a magician.

You were born knowing how to listen to the wind,

to read the language of the body.

to weave intention and action into transformation.

Magic is not a fantasy.

It's not escapism.

It's not an aesthetic.

Magic is medicine.

Magic is memory.

Magic is the blueprint buried beneath everything you were told to forget.

The world needs magical women now more than ever,

women who remember how to see through the veil,

women who trust the knowing in their bones,

women who speak in spell and silence,

women who are not afraid to wield beauty, power, presence, and intuition like sacred blades.

To rewild yourself is not to abandon reason.

It is to return to the whole truth.

To step into the sacred both/and.

To claim your place not just as witness to magic—

but as its maker.

This is the call.

The remembering.

The invitation.

The world is burning.

Let's rise.

Let's root.

Let's remember who we've always been.

Magicians.

Medicine women.

Wild ones.

Carriers of sacred power -

-not soft.

-not safe.

but holy.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

The Unfucked Life

Wed, 09 Apr 2025 17:55:08 GMT

Remembering Who You Were Before All That Shit Dimmed Your Shine

Somewhere along the way, you forgot.

Not because you were weak.

Not because you weren't trying.

But because survival stripped you of your essence and your fire.

You made yourself small enough to fit inside a life that was never made for you.

You traded your fire for approval.

Your instincts for safety.

Your power for belonging.

Now, you're carrying too much of what isn't yours.

You're holding a life that doesn't fit in your hands anymore.

You're haunted by the knowing—

that there was a version of you before all of this,

and she's still in there.

Not broken.

Not lost.

Just quietly, maybe even silently, waiting.

She's waiting for you to un-fuck yourself.

It's the life that feels like a deep exhale.

It's like kicking off shoes that were always too tight.

It's like coming home to your own skin without apology and realizing you still fit in that skin and that like.

It's not a perfect life.

It's not tidy or delicate or gentle.

It's real.

It's durable.

It's loud belly laughs after years of biting your tongue.

It's craving something more and not shrinking just because someone else can't handle your hunger.

It's saying yes to yourself and no to what no longer serves without guilt, without flinching.

The unfucked life is not something you buy, or manifest, or stumble into by accident.

It's something you choose.

Something you remember.

Something you rise for.

And coaching?

Coaching is not a pep talk.

It's not a list of habits to fix yourself.

It's not a cute little ritual to make you more palatable to the same world that broke your shine in the first place.

It is excavation.

It is unlearning.

It is the sacred undoing of every story that told you to be less.

And I'm good at this work—

not because I have all the answers

but because I know how to ask the questions that bring you back to life.

I will not let you settle.

I will not hold space for your excuses.

I will not confuse politeness with power.

But I will walk beside you through the fire.

I will hold your hand when it's time to unearth what's been buried.

I will remind you who the hell you are when you forget—

until the remembering is so loud, you never forget again.

This is your invitation-

-not to heal in silence.

-not to wait your turn.

-not to soften your edges to be easier to love.

But to rise,

to rage,

to reclaim,

to return,

not as the woman you were told to be—

but as the one who survived it all

and is ready to live like she was never ruined.

If that's you—

The unfucked life is waiting and I'm here to help you find it.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

The Exorcism

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 02 Apr 2025 16:55:21 GMT

Are you ready to evict what no longer belongs inside of you.

This is not a gentle release.

This is not a polite letting go.

This is not you lighting a candle and whispering I forgive to the ghosts that wrecked your life.

Coaching with me is an exorcism—

of the expectations that never belonged to you,

of the trauma you already healed but still carry out of habit,

of the silence you swallowed for years because being good felt safer than being whole.

This is the sacred scream.

The rupture.

The rage.

The rising.

Because at some point—

you realize the voice in your head isn’t even yours.

It’s your mother’s worry.

Your father’s fear.

Your church’s shame.

Your teacher’s disapproval.

Your ex-lover’s conditions.

It is our culture’s obsession with keeping you small -literally and metaphorically.

And you’ve been hosting them-

all of them -

-in the temple of your body and in the sanctum of your mind-

-like uninvited spirits still eating at your table.

But they do not get to stay.

You were not born to be haunted by the projections of other people.

You were not made to carry wounds that aren’t even your own.

You were not meant to shrink yourself just to survive rooms that should’ve celebrated you.

This is the moment you drive it all out—

the weight,

the noise,

the rules,

the pretending,

the scripts you never wrote but somehow ended up performing.

You do not owe your life to your survival story.

You do not have to wear your pain like a badge.

You do not have to keep carrying what was never yours to begin with.

This is what I do.

I don’t do passive.

I don’t do soft fixes.

I don’t sit quietly while you rehearse the same story that’s kept you stuck.

I do holy reckoning.

I do soul reclamation.

I do the kind of coaching that holds space for your exorcism—

and then hands you the tools to rebuild.

I will hold the mirror.

I will ask the questions that crack the façade.

I will help you banish the voices that never belonged in your body in the first place.

And when you are empty—

empty in the most beautifully sacred way,

empty like fresh air,

empty like space for your own voice to echo again—

I will help you remember who you were before they got to you.

This is not about becoming someone new.

It’s about returning to someone ancient,

someone radiant,

someone who has always been waiting beneath the noise.

If you are ready to evict what no longer belongs INSIDE you,

if you are ready to take back your name,

your story,

your fire—

I’m ready too.

Let’s begin the exorcism.

Let’s end the haunting.

Let’s set your soul back on fire.

This is the work.

You ready?

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Durable Joy

Tue, 01 Apr 2025 16:46:33 GMT

Sometimes it's the choice to open anyway.

Joy was never meant to be delicate.

Not the real kind,

not the kind that survives grief and still shows up for the sunrise.

not the kind that grows in the dirt—beneath cracked foundations and broken systems.

The joy I'm talking about is stubborn.

It's holy.

It's been through hell and still sings.

This world will try to convince you that joy is a luxury.

They will tell you, you have to earn it,

that you have to heal everything first.

They want you to think you have to fix yourself before you can feel anything good - and then they want you to believe you are unfixable.

The most radical thing you can do in a burning world is to choose joy that lasts.

Joy doesn't have to need perfect conditions.

Joy doesn't have to flinch when the headlines scream.

Joy doesn't have to disappear just because the sky gets dark.

This isn't the kind of joy you post about.

This is the kind that lives in your bones.

This is the kind that says:

Even here. Even now. Even with all of this—

I still belong to myself.

I still claim my light.

I still choose to feel.

That's what I do with my clients.

I don't teach performative gratitude.

I don't coach you to smile through the pain.

I don't sell false positivity wrapped in healing hashtags.

I help you root into something real.

I help you build a joy that can hold you.

Joy that knows how to dance even when your heart is cracked open.

Joy that does not rely on everything being okay—because let's be honest, most days it's not.

But even in the mess, in the grief, in the fire—

you can still have joy.

Not the loud kind, not always-

sometimes, it's just the soft breath that says I'm still here.

Sometimes it's the moment you realize you don't owe the world your despair.

Sometimes it's the choice to open anyway.

That's durable joy.

That's the kind that doesn't just survive—

it remakes you and it remakes your life.

You don't have to wait until the world is fixed to feel something good.

You don't have to stay numb just because there's so much to grieve.

You don't have to harden just to keep going.

There is another way.

If you want joy that's built to last—

if you want to feel again without falling apart—

if you want to come home to yourself in the middle of the storm—

This is the work.

I'm ready when you are.

Let's build something beautiful that doesn't break when the world does.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

The Deathwalk of Pretending Everything Is Fine

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 17:54:41 GMT

The pretending is the betrayal.

There is a particular kind of grief that comes

not from loss alone—

but from the performance that follows it.

The tight-smile, high-functioning,

still-showing-up-when-you’re-empty kind of survival.

We do it because we have to.

We do it because the world doesn’t stop for heartbreak.

We do it because the bills still come.

We do it because people still expect texts back and clean dishes and

a version of us that doesn’t make them uncomfortable.

But grief?

Grief does not give two actionable shits about anyone’s expectations.

It comes for you in waves,

in stillness,

in traffic.

It comes in so many forms.

It’s the death of someone you didn’t think you could live without.

It’s the divorce you didn’t want from the life you thought you were building.

It’s the unraveling of a future you had already imagined,

and now have to un-imagine with every breath.

It’s the soul of the country you live in—

rotting in plain sight,

while you try to keep showing up to work and not scream.

It’s the silence you sit in at night

when you wonder how much more you can pretend

that everything is fine.

This is the deathwalk.

It is the slow, aching march of keeping it together

when the truth is splintered across your bones.

And still—

you answer emails.

You go to the meeting.

You make the lunch.

You post the photo.

You say, “I’m good.”

And maybe you even start to believe it.

But the grief doesn’t go.

It just waits,

soft and sharp,

patient and heavy,

and at some point,

you realize it’s not the pain that’s breaking you—

it’s the pretending.

The pretending is the betrayal.

The lie that says you can’t fall apart.

The lie that says rage and sorrow make you weak.

The lie that says silence is safer than truth.

But here’s what I know:

Telling the truth is holy.

Cracking open is sacred.

Grief is not the end.

It’s the threshold.

It is the moment when the old life burns

and something ancient inside you says—

Let it.

Let the mask fall.

Let the ache speak.

Let the rage take up space.

Let the ghost of who you were wail.

You will not vanish.

You will not be swallowed.

You will resurrect.

Not as who you were -

but as who you were always meant to be—

before the pretending made you forget.

This is the deathwalk - but it’s also the rite.

The reckoning.

The return.

And on the other side?

Not answers.

Not neatness.

Not resolution.

But life.

Untamed.

Unearned.

Unapologetic.

Yours.

If you would like a partner on a grief of journey, message me.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Deconstructed

Thu, 27 Mar 2025 17:48:07 GMT

It's very different than destruction.

You built a life that made sense.

It wasn't perfect, but it worked.

It kept you safe.

It got you through.

It made you look strong on the outside even when your insides were quietly splintering.

You learned how to hold it together.

You became the fixer, the achiever, the capable one.

You performed the version of yourself the world could handle - and you survived.

But survival isn't the same as living.

And now something inside you is whispering—

or maybe screaming—

This isn't it.

You've outgrown the mask.

The armor is heavy.

The life you constructed so carefully no longer fits.

And so begins the undoing.

It's not happening because you failed,

but because you're finally ready to stop performing and start becoming.

This is what it means to be deconstructed.

It means taking a wrecking ball to the parts of you built out of other people's expectations.

It means dismantling the beliefs that were handed to you before you were old enough to question them.

It means tearing down every "should" you ever swallowed just to be accepted.

And then—

it means sitting in the rubble.

Not rushing to rebuild.

Not reaching for a blueprint.

Just breathing.

Just being.

Just listening for your own voice, the one that's been buried under a thousand layers of should.

This is the holy unraveling.

This is the sacred mess.

This is the becoming-before-the-becoming.

This is the work I do.

I don't offer step-by-step systems to turn you into someone you never wanted to be.

I don't sell quick fixes or promises of instant clarity.

I don't coach the version of you that's still trying to please everyone else.

I coach the one underneath.

I coach the parts of you that are ready to be seen without a mask,

the one who's willing to sit in the discomfort of undoing—because she knows what comes next is worth everything.

I will walk with you through the collapse.

I will hold space for your undoing.

I will not rush your process, but I will not let you hide from it either.

Because you don't need to be rebuilt.

You need to be reclaimed.

You don't need to start over.

You need to return -

return to the bones of who you were before the performance,

to the voice that existed before the noise.

to the truth that waited patiently under every layer of becoming.

If you are ready to tear it all down—

not because you're broken,

but because you're done pretending—

then I'm ready too.

Let's deconstruct the life that isn't yours.

Let's unmake what no longer serves.

Let's clear the space where your real self is finally allowed to rise.

This is not destruction.

This is sacred release.

This is freedom.

This is the work

If you would like a partner to walk the path of deconstruction with you, reach out. Trust me, that path is easier to walk with some company.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Exit Plans

Wed, 26 Mar 2025 17:32:20 GMT

If you Can't Leave You Can't know it's a choice.

If you don't have an exit plan, the things you love will cage you.

A marriage. A career. A friendship. A dream.

What once felt like home will start to feel like a trap. Not because it changed but because you did.

If you don't believe you can actually leave or you don't know how you'd do it, you're not really staying—you're just stuck.

I see it all the time. A client comes to me desperate to save their marriages, eyes full of hope and panic, shocked when I tell them the first step isn't working the relationship.

Step one to keeping something you love is designing their way out of it.

This is not because I want them to go- not because love isn't worth fighting for. It is because you can't choose something if you don't believe you have a choice.

You can't choose your marriage if leaving isn't a real option.

You can't choose your job if you believe you could never do anything else.

You can't choose a friendship if you're only there out of guilt.

That's not love. That's not loyalty. That's fear.

And fear will convince you that commitment is a virtue, that endurance is love, that staying—even when it breaks you—is a sign of strength.

But what if strength isn't about holding on?

What if strength is knowing you could walk away and still choosing to stay?

What if freedom—not fear—is the foundation of everything worth keeping?

This is why you build the exit plan.

Not because you want to leave, but because knowing you can will give you a kind of peace most people never experience.

The peace of knowing that no matter what happens, you are never trapped.

The peace of knowing that staying is not an act of survival, but an act of choice.

The peace of knowing that your life—your happiness—will never depend on someone else's permission.

So build it.

Know where you would go if your marriage fell apart tomorrow.

Know what you would do if your job disappeared overnight.

Know who you are outside of the roles you play for everyone else.

There is no peace in clinging to anything out of fear.

There is only peace in knowing that if the day ever comes when the thing you love becomes the thing that's breaking you—

You can set it down and walk away.

Without freedom there is no choice.

If you would like some support carving out more choice in your life, hit me up.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

An Unhaunted Life

Wed, 19 Mar 2025 17:58:47 GMT

This is the work of resurrection.

An Unhaunted Life: The Reckoning, The Return, The Refusal to Stay Small

Most people are haunted.

Not by ghosts, but by the shadows of the lives they never stepped fully into-

by the voices that told them to be careful, to be reasonable, to shrink.

by the weight of every almost, every not yet, every maybe someday.

They haunt themselves with their own hesitation.

They move through their days like half-formed things, caught between who they were told to be and who they were meant to become. They keep the peace. They hold it together. They silence the part of themselves that knows.

And then they wonder why they feel restless,

why they feel numb.

why every victory feels hollow and every milestone feels like someone else’s life.

They wonder why—after all this time, after all this effort—they still don’t feel free.

But I know the truth.

I know what it looks like to see someone on the edge of their own becoming.

I know what it means when someone’s soul is banging against the inside of their ribs, trying to break free.

I know what it is to stand at the doorway of your own life and hesitate.

And that?

That is why coaching matters.

The Work of Resurrection

There is a version of you that has been waiting.

A version that is whole, untamed, magnificent—not because it has been perfected, but because it has been claimed.

A version that does not second-guess its own hunger.

A version that does not dim itself for anyone’s comfort.

A version that does not ask, Am I allowed?—because it already knows the answer.

Coaching is not about fixing you.

You are not broken. You are not unfinished. You are not in need of anyone’s permission.

Coaching is about waking the hell up.

It is about stripping away every lie you ever internalized about what is possible for you.

It is about stepping back into the fire of your own life, standing in it, and letting it forge you.

It is about remembering who the hell you are before the world convinced you to forget.

This is the work of resurrection.

Of returning.

Of reclaiming yourself so completely that the person you were before no longer fits in your own skin.

Why I’m Damn Good at This Work

I will not be polite about your potential.

I will not whisper to the ghosts of your past, hoping they go quietly.

I will not let you grieve for a smaller life when there is a bigger one waiting for you.

I will tell you the truth.

I will not let you play small. You were not made for half-measures. If you are here to tiptoe around your own life, you will not last with me. I am not here for hesitation. I am here for reckoning.

I will call you back to yourself. You will not hide. You will not pretend. You will not slip into the comfort of “maybe later.” If you are ready, I will stand with you. If you are not, I will not chase you.

I will remind you of your power. Not the kind that comes from control, from status, from validation. The kind that comes from knowing. From certainty. From the undeniable force of a person who has come fully into themselves.

I will demand that you rise. Not for me. Not for anyone else. But because your soul already knows it is time.

I will not let you settle. Not for a life that is “fine.” Not for a future that is “comfortable.” Not for a version of yourself that feels like a fraction of what you could be.

I see you.

I see the life you could have.

I see the person you could be.

And if you don’t see it yet? That’s fine. I will hold that vision for you until you are ready to claim it yourself.

This Is About Liberation

This is about choosing yourself—not as an afterthought, not as a luxury, but as a birthright.

This is about stepping into your life—not carefully, not quietly, but with both feet planted and both hands open.

this is about walking away from the ghosts of your past and refusing to carry their grief any longer.

To live an unhaunted life is to set yourself free.

Free from the smallness you once accepted.

Free from the weight of every apology you ever whispered for wanting more.

Free from the version of you that kept waiting for permission.

I do not offer easy answers.

I do not promise a painless process.

I do not give you a roadmap to follow.

Because you are the map.

And it is time to remember the way home.

Now, The Choice Is Yours.

You can keep waiting.

For the right moment.

For the perfect circumstances.

For the fear to pass and the path to clear.

Or you can decide—right now, today, in this exact moment—that you are done waiting.

That you are ready to unlearn everything that kept you small.

That you are ready to walk into the unknown with your whole damn heart.

That you are ready to live your unhaunted life.

And if you are—if you feel it in your bones, if your soul is banging against the inside of your ribs saying yes, finally, yes—then this is your invitation.

Not a gentle one.

Not a polite one.

Not one wrapped in soft reassurances.

This is a summons.

To step into your life with your whole chest.

To stop waiting for permission.

To burn the old stories to the ground and build something wild and free in their place.

If you are ready—truly ready—then let’s begin.

Because I promise you this:

Your unhaunted life is waiting.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Kill the Good Girl

Tue, 18 Mar 2025 18:27:09 GMT

She's really not your friend.

Patriarchy wants you to be a “good girl.” Sweet. Quiet. Polite. Small.

The patriarchy wants you to be the kind of girl who doesn’t take up too much space, who swallows her anger, who smiles when she’s breaking, who says “thank you” for the shit she’s handed.

A “good girl” doesn’t question the rules, challenge authority, or dare to ask why or for more.

T he good girl is killing you. So kill her first.

The “good girl” is a lie.

She’s a tool,

a cage,

a mask they make you wear so you forget what you really are: powerful, messy, angry, unapologetic.

The good girl is designed to keep you tame.

To make you easy to manage.

To turn you into a servant of their system, where your value is tied to how much you can endure, how much you can give, and how little you demand in return.

Patriarchy wants you to believe that being a “good girl” will save you. That if you’re agreeable enough, accommodating enough, quiet enough, you’ll be safe IF you play by their rules, you’ll be loved, respected, protected. But that’s the biggest lie of all.

The “good girl” doesn’t save you—she sacrifices you.

The good girl teaches you to apologize for everything -

for your voice

for your body

for your dreams,

Good girl teaches you to carry other people’s shame and call it your burden.

She teaches you to disappear, piece by piece, until there’s nothing left but a hollow shell of the person you were supposed to be.

So stop saving her.

Stop clinging to her.

Kill the good girl and set yourself free.

And yes, when you kill the good girl, they’ll call you names.

Selfish.

Angry.

Crazy.

Too much.

Let them. Those are just the words they use to punish women who refuse to stay small. Those words are weapons, but they only work if you believe them.

Patriarchy wants you to believe that your anger makes you ugly. That your voice makes you unlovable. That your power makes you dangerous. Good. Let it. Be dangerous. Be unlovable by a system that was never built to honor you. Be everything the good girl was too afraid to be.

When you kill the good girl, you’re not losing yourself—you’re finding her. The parts of you you were taught to hide? Those are the parts that will save you. The messy, angry, imperfect, powerful parts of you? That’s where your freedom lives.

The good girl says, “Don’t make waves.”

Kill her. Make a tsunami.

The good girl says, “Be nice.”

Kill her. Be real.

The good girl says, “Stay quiet.”

Kill her. Scream.

You were never meant to be a good girl. You were meant to be whole. And being whole means embracing the parts of yourself they taught you to hate. Your rage. Your grief. Your voice. Your power. Being whole means taking up space, demanding more, and refusing to apologize for your existence.

So kill the good girl. Kill her without mercy. Kill the part of you that apologizes for taking up space. Kill the part of you that plays nice when you want to roar. Kill the part of you that believes your worth is tied to their approval. And in her place, let something wilder, louder, and freer rise.

If you would like a partner in crime for burying your inner good girl, I am here for that and I've got some personal doing it.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

The Unveiling: A Soul-Deep Factory Reset to Unfuck Yourself

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 11 Mar 2025 16:54:18 GMT

Golden rule: If someone is selling you a plan to fix

your broken-ass-self, run.

To be clear from the start, you are not broken.

You don’t need fixing.

You don’t need another self-help formula, another list of ways to be “better,” another endless cycle of trying to earn your own worth.

Because your worth? It was never in question.

What happened wasn’t that you lost yourself. You got buried-

-beneath trauma

-beneath conditioning

-beneath the endless noise of a world that taught you to be small, to be quiet, to be easy

And now? It’s time to dig yourself out.

This is what The Unveiling is not:

not therapy

not self-improvement

not another way to “fix” something that was never broken in the first place.

�� This is a soul-deep factory reset. ��

A real, living, breathing magic rite designed to strip away everything that was never really yours.

A spiritual, emotional, and energetic way to unfuck yourself—once and for all.

Before the World Told You Who to Be—There Was You

Before life hardened you,

before you learned to dim your light to make others comfortable,

before trauma wrapped its hands around your throat and told you to stay small, stay safe, stay unseen.

You were wild.

You were whole.

You were untamed, unfiltered, unapologetically yourself.

And that version of you? They’re still there.

Not lost. Not gone. Just waiting.

Waiting for the moment you stop trying to build yourself into someone worthy and start unearthing the person you were always meant to be.

The Unveiling is the Rite That Brings You Back

This is not a program.

This is not a retreat.

This is not another self-improvement checklist.

This is ritual.

This is magic.

This is the most powerful thing you will ever do for yourself.

Because you are not the problem.

The trauma is the problem.

The conditioning is the problem.

The story you were told about who you should be is the problem.

And The Unveiling?

It is the undoing.

It is the unwinding.

It is the moment you stop searching and start reclaiming.

Step Into The Unveiling

When: A one-on-one journey designed for maximum spaciousness, beginning when you’re ready.

Where: We meet in a virtual space, with calls scheduled as needed—on your timeline, in your way.

Price: $1080 – payment plans joyfully accepted.

Preparation: Our work begins 7-10 days after we agree to start. A care package will arrive for you before we begin—because real magic is meant to be felt.

�� Enter the rite at �� https://www.lisamhayes.com/the-unveiling

The Best Money You’ll Ever Spend on Yourself

Not because it will “fix” you.

Because it will unfuck you.

Because it will give you back the parts of yourself you thought were gone.

Because it will strip away the bullshit and leave you with nothing but your raw, radiant, undeniable truth.

Because nothing you buy—no course, no product, no surface-level self-care—will ever compare to the feeling of coming home to yourself.

Let Life Wreck You and Remake You

Wed, 05 Mar 2025 18:37:04 GMT

maybe there are no perfect answers.

Life was never meant to be solved.

It’s not a riddle with a right answer, not a problem to fix, not a straight road leading to some final destination where everything finally makes sense.

Life is wild. Unruly. Bigger than anything we could ever hold in our hands.

And yet, we spend so much of it trying to control the uncontrollable—mapping out plans, chasing certainty, convincing ourselves we’ve got it all figured out.

But life doesn’t work like that.

It moves like the ocean—rising, falling, crashing, receding—no matter how tightly you try to hold it back.

It will shake you awake when you least expect it.

It will reroute you when you swore you had the perfect path.

It will wreck you, break you open, leave you gasping—

And then it will show you beauty you never would have found if things had gone your way.

The Magic is in the Surrender

We waste so much time trying to tame the mystery of life.

We want reasons for everything. Explanations. Justifications. We want to know why things happen, why people leave, why the things we love slip through our fingers.

But maybe there are no perfect answers.

Maybe loss carves us open so something new has space to grow.

Maybe the moments that break us are also the ones that remake us.

Maybe the magic isn’t in understanding—it’s in standing in awe of everything we can’t explain.

Life is breathtaking in its refusal to be predictable.

It will bring love into your life the moment you swear it off.

It will throw storms at you when all you wanted was clear skies.

It will break your heart in ways you never saw coming—

And then show you how much more love your heart is capable of holding.

And that? That is the beauty of it.

Let It Change You

You weren’t built for certainty.

You weren’t made to have it all figured out.

You were made for the unknown.

For the chaos, the beauty, the love, the loss.

For the moments that knock the wind out of you and the ones that make you feel infinite.

So stop gripping so tightly to the illusion of control.

Let life surprise you. Let it break your rules. Let it show you something beyond what you thought was possible.

Because the real magic isn’t in the knowing. It’s in the letting go.

Let life break your heart.

Let it wreck you. Let it remake you. Let it blow your mind.

If you need a partner in crime that could help you let some of the shit that is weighing you down go, hit me up. I am here for that part of your journey with a lot of juice to help you walk your talk.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝑵𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝑩𝒆 𝑺𝒂𝒇𝒆—𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝑪𝒂𝒏 𝑩𝒆 𝑭𝒓𝒆𝒆

Tue, 04 Mar 2025 18:46:22 GMT

If you keep waiting, you will wait forever.

Maybe you’ve been waiting.

Waiting for the world to calm down.

Waiting for things to feel solid again.

Waiting for the moment when you finally feel safe enough to move, to change, to step fully into the life that’s been whispering your name.

But the truth?

That moment isn’t coming.

Because the world is never going to hand you peace.

It will never pause long enough for you to catch your breath.

It will never give you the perfect set of circumstances to finally step into the life you were meant for.

If you keep waiting, you will wait forever.

And maybe, deep down, you already know that.

Maybe you’ve already felt the pull—the part of you that is tired of circling the same patterns, tired of waiting, tired of carrying the weight of a past that has already happened.

Because the past is over, but your body doesn’t know that yet.

That’s why you still flinch when nothing is coming.

That’s why you still brace when there’s nothing to fear.

That’s why you still replay the same stories, still react from old wounds, still feel trapped in a life you know is too small for you.

Your nervous system doesn’t understand time.

It doesn’t care that you’ve outgrown the pain.

It doesn’t care that you’ve “done the work.”

It only knows patterns. It only knows what it’s been trained to expect.

Which means every day, whether you realize it or not, you are living in a spell you didn’t even cast.

✨ The spell of waiting.

✨ The spell of fear.

✨ The spell of believing the past still owns you.

But here’s the truth that changes everything:

✨ Your wounds are not chains. They are just echoes.

✨ Your patterns are not prisons. They are just grooves in the mind.

✨ And the moment you decide to step out of them, they lose their power.

But decision alone isn’t enough.

If decision was enough, you would have done it by now.

You need something that tells your body, your mind, your soul:

The past is done. We are moving forward now.

That something is ritual.

Because ritual is how you rewrite reality.

It is how you speak to the deeper parts of yourself that words alone can’t reach.

It is how you tell your body, we are safe now.

We are not just surviving anymore. We are creating something new.

Ritual is how you shift the energy inside you.

It is how you stop waiting for the world to change and start claiming the life you actually want to be living.

It is how you unhook from what was and anchor into what is becoming.

And that is what The Unveiling is.

✨ A rite of passage into something new.

✨ A severing of old patterns and a claiming of new power.

✨ A miracle, disguised as a choice.

Because the world will never be safe.

But you?

You can be free.

And if you’re ready for that?

The threshold is open. Step through.

✨ Email me if you feel the call.

Check it out The Unveiling Here.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

🔥 Until They Fear Us 🔥

Thu, 27 Feb 2025 17:43:31 GMT

Men have only ever had one primary strategy: violence.

For centuries, they have ruled by force.

They have taken what they wanted.

They have beaten, raped, silenced, and killed.

They have passed their violence down like an inheritance, wrapped in laws, wrapped in religion, wrapped in the smug certainty that we would never rise up - because we were taught to be good girls.

To be small.

To be nice.

To be grateful that we were not the ones buried in shallow graves.

They told us to smile.

To be polite.

To say “please” and “thank you” when we are asking for the right to exist.

And still— they kill us anyway.

�� Men are not the leading cause of death for women, but they are a leading cause of fear. ��

We grow up learning the rules for survival.

Don’t walk alone. Don’t drink too much. Don’t wear the wrong thing. Don’t make him angry.

We are afraid to walk home at night.

Afraid to say no to a date.

Afraid to leave.

Afraid to stay.

Afraid that the next man we love will be the one to kill us.

But what if—for the first time in history— they were afraid instead?

They will say #NotAllMen.

But the numbers don’t lie.

The women who never made it home don’t lie.

The bodies pulled from the ditches don’t lie.

The bruises don’t lie.

The restraining orders don’t lie.

The whispered, “I think he might kill me” does not lie.

They Have Used Force to Control Us.

But We Are Smarter. And We Are Ready.

Men have only ever had one primary strategy: violence.

They use it to break us.

To own us.

To keep us in line.

And because we are the ones who bleed, we have been taught that we are the weaker ones-

-but we are not weak.

We are smart.

We are strategic.

We have spent thousands of years surviving their brutality, and we have learned every single one of their weaknesses.

We are ready.

They were never afraid before because they thought they didn’t have to be.

Because they believed we would never fight back.

But something is shifting.

Because we are done begging for mercy.

And if the only language they understand is fear?

Then let them learn what it feels like to tremble.

A Reckoning Is Coming.

They have spent generations teaching us that might makes right.

That fists and guns and brute strength are the only real power.

But what happens when we decide to believe them?

�� What happens when women stop waiting for justice and start delivering it?

�� What happens when abusers start going missing instead of their victims?

�� What happens when the next man who raises a hand to a woman has to wonder if she will put a bullet through his skull before he gets the chance?

For the first time in history, let them feel what it’s like to live in fear.

Let them hesitate before grabbing a woman’s wrist.

Let them second-guess following her to her car.

Let them wonder if tonight is the night that they don’t make it home.

Here’s the truth:

We will not be free until they are afraid.

Not just afraid of “getting caught.”

Not just afraid of losing their job or their reputation.

Afraid of us.

Afraid of what we know.

Afraid of what we are capable of.

Afraid that the next time they try to hurt us, they might not survive it.

And when that day comes—when they finally fear our wrath the way we have feared their violence.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Low Maintenance is a Sales Pitch for Learning to Settle

Tue, 25 Feb 2025 17:23:45 GMT

Have you been conditioned to expect less?

Somewhere along the way, “low maintenance” became a compliment. A badge of honor. Proof that you are undemanding, effortlessly agreeable, and easy to be around. A woman who doesn’t ask for much. A woman who makes do. A woman who never makes anyone uncomfortable with her needs.

But let’s be honest about what it really is: a slow, quiet training in settling.

Because “low maintenance” is just another way of saying, I’ve been conditioned to expect less.

Less attention.

Less care.

Less effort.

Less of the love that requires presence and intention.

It’s the ability to swallow disappointment with a smile and pretend it doesn’t taste bitter. It’s learning to be grateful for crumbs because asking for a full meal feels like too much.

The world rewards you for it.

They say it like it’s something to be proud of - like it’s attractive.

“She’s so chill.”

“She’s not high maintenance.”

“She’s just happy with whatever.”

But what they really mean is: She doesn’t ask for more than what’s easy to give.

They praise women who are “low maintenance” because it makes their lives more convenient. Because it lets them off the hook. Because it means they never have to rise to meet us—we will always be the ones bending, adjusting, and lowering our expectations until they can reach.

And that’s the trick, isn’t it?

They teach us that being “easygoing” makes us lovable. That not having preferences makes us desirable. That not wanting too much makes us a good catch.

But who benefits from that?

Because let’s be real: there is no reward for being easy to please. You don’t get a gold star for going with the flow. You don’t win a prize for being the least amount of work to love. All you get is a lifetime of convincing yourself that scraps are enough. That effort is too much to ask for. That wanting more makes you unreasonable.

And then one day, you wake up and realize you’ve built a life on a foundation of “it’s fine” and “it’s not a big deal” and “I don’t really need that anyway.” And you wonder why you feel so empty.

But here’s the thing about emptiness: it doesn’t happen all at once.

At first, it feels like pride. Independence. Strength. You convince yourself that you don’t need much, and that makes you resilient. You tell yourself that being happy with less means you’re self-sufficient, easy to love, the kind of person who doesn’t make waves.

Then, over time, the weight of everything you didn’t ask for starts to settle in.

The birthday no one planned for.

The date nights that stopped happening. The phone calls that never come.

The friendships that only exist when you’re the one reaching out. The quiet realization that no one ever considers what you might want, because you’ve trained them not to.

You don’t complain.

You don’t push back.

You don’t ask for more.

Because you’ve spent your whole life proving how little you need.

And what happens when you finally do?

What happens when you say, “I actually want something different”?

You hear it—the hesitation, the discomfort, the resistance.

“Since when do you care about that?”

“You never needed this before.”

“You’ve changed.”

As if needing something now negates every time you swallowed the need before. As if speaking up today erases all the times you stayed silent. As if the problem isn’t that they gave so little—it’s that you finally noticed.

You are not difficult for wanting to be chosen.

You are not needy for wanting effort.

You are not high maintenance for expecting to be met with the same energy you give.

You are allowed to want. You are allowed to take up space.

You are allowed to be with people who show up for you—not because it’s convenient, but because it’s what you deserve.

You deserve to get the kind of attention you give to the people in your life.

You were never meant to starve.

If you want some support learning to ask for more, hit me up. I've love to talk.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

They want you to be at war with your body

Mon, 24 Feb 2025 20:25:05 GMT

and you are never at your best when that is happening

They will tell you beauty is small.

They will tell you it is measured in inches and pounds, in control and restraint, in hunger disguised as discipline.

They will tell you that to be beautiful is to shrink, to disappear, to be effortless—

as if effort, as if presence, as if the full force of your existence is something to be ashamed of.

But here is the truth:

Body anarchy is beauty.

Not the kind they sell in magazines.

Not the kind that comes from suffering in silence.

Not the kind that demands you carve yourself into something smaller just to be worthy of being seen.

Real beauty is raw. It is honest. It is wild presence.

It is flesh and power and the audacity to exist without apology.

It is a woman who refuses to be edited.

The Most Dangerous Women Are Fully in Their Bodies

Because here’s what they won’t say out loud—

They are not afraid of fat.

They are not afraid of softness.

They are not afraid of the curve of your belly or the weight of your thighs.

They are afraid of what happens when you stop trying to fix yourself.

They are afraid of what happens when you stop believing that your body is the problem.

They are afraid of what happens when you stop starving and start taking up space.

Because a woman who is fully in her body—

A woman who no longer wastes her days counting, controlling, shrinking—

That woman is dangerous.

She is not distracted.

She is not obedient.

She is not spending her time measuring her worth in numbers and shame.

She is present.

She is powerful.

She is watching.

And that? That is a problem for anyone who benefits from her absence.

Hunger is a Weapon—And It Was Never Yours to Hold

Because a starving woman is an easy woman.

Easy to control.

Easy to dismiss.

Easy to distract with the next diet, the next goal weight, the next promise that if she just works a little harder, she will finally be good enough.

And the hungrier she is, the less she asks for.

The less space she takes up.

The less she fights.

This was never about fitness.

This was never about wellness.

This was never about becoming “your best self.”

It was about making sure you never realize you were already whole.

That your body was never a problem to be solved.

That your worth was never up for debate.

That beauty was never something you had to earn—it was something you already carried.

Body Anarchy: The Revolution of Being Fully Alive

The answer is not learning to love yourself in chains.

The answer is not trying to make peace with a system designed to keep you small.

The answer is body anarchy.

It is taking up space without apology.

It is the rebellion of being fully, wildly present in your body.

It is rejecting the idea that your existence needs to be palatable to be worthy.

Because the most beautiful women are not the ones who disappear.

They are the ones who arrive.

The ones who take up space with their voices, their bodies, their presence.

The ones who know that softness is power, that hunger is a weapon, that their worth was never something to be bargained for.

The ones who refuse to shrink, who refuse to obey, who refuse to play small just to make the world more comfortable.

Because beauty was never about thinness.

It was never about weight.

It was never about control.

Beauty is what happens when a woman decides she belongs fully to herself.

And the day you stop waiting for permission—

The day you step fully into your body, your hunger, your presence—

The day you burn every rule they ever gave you—

The pressure to be thin to be worthy isn’t about health or beauty. It is about obedience.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

They Want You to Be Small

Fri, 21 Feb 2025 17:56:14 GMT

It's literally the point of their whole fucking Plan.

You Were Never Meant to Fit Inside Their Boxes.

The systems of power—patriarchy, capitalism, white supremacy, colonialism—are all designed for smallness.

A woman who shrinks herself is easier to control.
A worker who doesn’t ask for more is easier to exploit.
A person who doubts their worth will never challenge the status quo.

These systems are terrified of people who take up space -- a person who takes up space will ask for what they need.

A person who takes up space will not apologize for their existence.

A person who takes up space will not be silenced.

And that? That is dangerous.

Which is exactly why you must become it.

Take Up Space Anyway.

Take up space in your body—walk like the earth belongs to you because it does.

Take up space in your voice—say the thing that needs to be said, even when your voice shakes.

Take up space in your desires—want what you want, without apology or justification.

Take up space in your dreams—build something so big they have no choice but to make room for it.

You were not put on this earth to be quiet, obedient, or small enough to disappear.

You were put here to be a force.

And every time you stand tall, speak loudly, demand more, refuse to shrink—

Every time you own your body, your voice, your joy, your rage, your brilliance—

Every time you refuse to disappear—

You remind them that their time is running out.

Smallness is a tool of oppression.

And your power?

Your power is in your expansion.

Build Something So Big, They Can’t Ignore It.

They want you to be small because small people don’t disrupt.

Small people don’t demand better.

Small people don’t shake the foundation of broken systems.

So what do you do?

You disrupt.

You demand.

You build something so undeniable, so unstoppable, so fucking enormous that they have no choice but to reckon with it.

Because this world will not give you space.

You have to take it.

And when you do?

You make room for everyone else who has been told they are too much, too loud, too ambitious, too angry, too different, too anything.

So be too much.

Be impossible.

Be impossible to ignore.

Be a blueprint breaker, a world builder, a system disruptor, a fire-starter.

If you would like some support on that journey to become way too much for most people, I am here for that all day AND the journey is much less lonely with a coach.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

To the Good Girl that Might Have to Lead the Revolution

Wed, 19 Feb 2025 19:15:16 GMT

I see you.

Dear Good Girl,

I know you. You were raised to be kind, to smooth the edges of a jagged world, to make yourself small enough that no one could call you difficult.

You were taught that a warm smile can disarm, that harmony is the highest virtue, that being agreeable is the surest way to be loved.

You have mastered the art of making peace. But what happens when peace is a lie?

What happens when the world is burning, and they tell you to close your eyes and hum a sweeter tune?

What happens when injustice knocks on the door, and the voices you once trusted whisper, “ Don’t let it in. That’s bad energy.”

What happens when the war comes to your doorstep, and instead of handing you armor, they hand you a vision board?

Listen to me: There is nothing enlightened about ignoring a burning house.

You were not born just to be soft. You were born to be sovereign. And now, more than ever, the world needs you to wake up.

They Taught You to Be Good. Now You Must Be Free.

They will tell you that anger is poison. That rage is unbecoming. That speaking truth in a room full of liars is “low vibration.” That if you would just sit still and breathe deeply enough, the world would settle into something softer.

But here’s what they won’t tell you:

Your anger is not the enemy. It is the compass that points toward injustice.

Your grief is not weakness. It is proof that your heart still beats in a world trying to make you numb.

Your voice is not too loud. It is just loud enough to shatter illusions.

You do not have to smile through the collapse of civilization. You do not have to swallow your knowing just to make the room more comfortable.

The truth is, comfort has never been the goal.

They built an entire industry to pacify you. They sold you books and mantras and mindfulness apps to lull you to sleep while the world was being stolen. They convinced you that looking away is an act of self-care, that refusing to engage is a form of spiritual evolution.

But real spirituality has never been about escape. It has always been about seeing clearly.

To the Good Girl Who Might Have to Lead the Revolution

Maybe you never wanted to fight. Maybe you wanted a quiet life—one filled with morning tea and poetry and the kind of love that makes the world feel gentle. But the world is not gentle right now, and pretending otherwise will not make it so.

And so, my love, here is what I ask of you:

Be soft, but do not be silent. The world needs your tenderness, but it also needs your fire.

Be kind, but do not be complicit. Let your goodness be fierce enough to challenge what is wrong.

Be grounded, but do not be still. A tree rooted too deeply to move is just waiting to be cut down.

The time for passivity is over. If you must pray, then pray with your hands open, ready to build something new.

If you must meditate, then let it be a meditation on how to stay steady in the storm.

And if you must manifest, then manifest a world for EVERYONE worth fighting for.

How to Stay Rooted in a World That Wants You to Drift

Because the battle is not just external—it is inside of you, too. Here is how you hold your ground when the world wants to pull you into passivity or despair:

Make Nature Your Church. The earth has seen empires rise and fall and still, she grows. Stand barefoot in the grass, breathe deep, and remember: you are part of something older than any system of power.

Build Your People. The revolution will not be won in the comments section. Meet your neighbors. Form alliances. Create the kind of real, tangible community that cannot be shadowbanned or de-platformed.

Create, Disrupt, Reimagine. The old world is dying—don’t waste your energy trying to hold it up. Make art that tells the truth. Build systems that don’t require permission. Speak words that shake people awake. The revolution needs architects, not just critics.

No more good vibes only. Stay rooted. Stay awake. Stay dangerous.

Channel Your Spirituality Into Taking a Stand

Your spirituality is not meant to be a hiding place—it is meant to be fuel.

Let your prayers turn into protests. Let your meditation strengthen your resolve. Let your love for humanity be more than a theory—let it be an action.

Because there is nothing more spiritual than standing for what is sacred.

And there is nothing more sacred than each other.

No more good vibes only.

Stay rooted. Stay awake. Stay dangerous.

Because the world will tell you that being dangerous is a bad thing.

But you know better.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

25 Telltale Signs of Dopamine Dysregulation

Thu, 13 Feb 2025 18:48:09 GMT

Befriending your dopamine is a life-changing journey

Constant Low-Grade Fatigue – You wake up tired and stay tired, no matter how much you rest.
Endless Scrolling Habit – You catch yourself mindlessly browsing social media or news feeds for hours.
Difficulty Focusing – Your concentration drifts even during tasks you want to complete.
Mood Swings – Quick highs followed by deep dips, without any real explanation.
Irritability Over Small Things – Little triggers lead to outsized anger or frustration.
Feeling “Empty” After Achievements – Accomplishing goals doesn’t bring the satisfaction you’d expect.
Cravings for Junk Food or Sugar – You reach for sweet or salty snacks to get a quick emotional boost.
Inability to Tolerate Boredom – You instantly grab your phone or some other distraction whenever there’s a lull.
Procrastination – Tasks you know you should tackle remain undone because scrolling or streaming feels “easier.”
Unhealthy Sleep Patterns – You stay up too late chasing one more episode or social media refresh.
Low Motivation – Even goals that once excited you now feel like monumental chores.
Overreliance on Stimulants – Coffee, energy drinks, or anything that gives a quick jolt have become daily crutches.
Impatience with Real-Life Conversations – You struggle to stay engaged if the chat isn’t fast-paced or immediately rewarding.
Excessive Gaming or Streaming – You binge for hours, losing track of time or real-world responsibilities.
Difficulty Connecting with Others – You find genuine human interaction strangely taxing or unfulfilling.
Chronic Overstimulation – Quiet moments feel almost unbearable, so you keep noise or screens on at all times.
Restlessness – You can’t sit still or relax, always needing something to “entertain” you.
Frequent Checking of Notifications – Each ding or vibration is like a mini lottery ticket you can’t resist.
Lack of Real Joy in Hobbies – Activities you once loved now feel dull unless there’s a phone in your hand.
Short Attention Span – Even reading a single page or sitting through a short video seems challenging.
Addictive Social Comparison – You keep tabs on what everyone else is doing, leaving you feeling inadequate.
Emotional Numbness – You’re not really sad or happy, just stuck in a perpetual “meh.”
Difficulty Winding Down – Even after a long day, your mind races for the next “hit” of stimulation.
FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out on anything—so you stay glued to your devices, just in case.
Persistent Guilt – Deep down, you know you’re wasting time or neglecting what truly matters, but feel unable to stop.

Ready to Break Free?

If more than a couple of these hit home, it might be time to seriously reconsider your relationship with dopamine. Dopamine Rehab is a 90-day, 1:1 program designed to help you reset your pleasure-reward system, break the cycle of overstimulation, and finally tap into deeper focus and genuine fulfillment.

We’ll work together to:

Identify and Dismantle the triggers that keep you locked in unhealthy habits.
Rebuild Healthy Rhythms so you can thrive without needing endless dopamine hits.
Rekindle Genuine Motivation for your goals, relationships, and personal growth.

The Investment : $899 for the entire 90-day coaching experience. Payment plans are available to make this journey accessible. We also offer scholarship discounts , because no one should feel left out of the chance to truly thrive.

And it doesn’t end there. You’ll get another 90 days of email or Messenger support to help you lock in those new habits and make your transformation last.

Stop letting cheap dopamine run your life. Send me a message to learn more about the program and reclaim your mind, your energy, and your sense of purpose. It’s time to say goodbye to burnout and hello to a life that genuinely feels good.

Rest is Resistance

Wed, 12 Feb 2025 18:57:23 GMT

Choosing rest is a radical act.

Make no mistake: The oppressor wants you exhausted.

The oppressor wants you so drained, so overwhelmed, so stretched thin that you forget who you are.

They want you too tired to fight,

too burned out to dream,

too busy surviving to notice the chains they’ve placed around your life.

The oppressor wants your exhaustion because your exhaustion is their power.

This system feeds on your overwork.

It worships productivity, not because it values you, but because it profits from your labor.

They’ve built a culture where rest is seen as laziness,

where slowing down feels like guilt,

where your worth is measured in what you produce—not in who you are.

Choosing rest is a radical act.

Rest is rebellion.

Rest is the quiet, steady way we say, “I will not be a tool for your machine.” It’s a refusal to let this system own us—our time, our bodies, our lives.

Rest is not weakness; it is strength.

When you rest, you remember.

You remember that you are not a machine.

You are not disposable.

You are not defined by what you can achieve or how much you can endure or produce.

Rest is a return to yourself, to your power, to your humanity.

And that terrifies them. The oppressor wants you too tired to see the truth: that your value was never tied to how hard you work or how much you give.

You deserve care, softness, peace—not because you’ve earned it, but because you exist.

The oppressor wants us to believe we have to prove ourselves to be worthy of rest. But we don’t. Rest is not a reward. It is a birthright. They tell us to hustle, to grind, to push harder—but all of that serves them, not us. The harder we work within their system, the more we prop it up.

Rest is the refusal to play their game. Rest is stepping outside of their rules entirely.

Rest doesn’t mean surrendering. Rest is what fuels resistance. Rest is what gives us the strength to keep going, t o organize, to build, to create and recreate, to show up for each other.

Rest is not selfish; it is strategy. It is the fire that keeps us burning when they want us to flicker out.

And when we rest, we resist their demand that we disappear. We resist the idea that we’re only as good as what we produce. We resist their attempt to strip us of our humanity. Rest is refusal. Rest is a declaration that we belong to no one but ourselves.

So take the nap.

Close your eyes.

Step away.

Put down the weight they told you was yours to carry.

You are not lazy. You are not failing. You are reclaiming yourself from a system that was never meant to hold you with care.

If you would like some support finding your way to a deliberate practice fo sacred rest, DM me. I want to help.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Love is Rebellion

Tue, 04 Feb 2025 18:04:52 GMT

They want us to turn on each other

They want us lonely.

They want us isolated,

disconnected,

afraid to reach out,

afraid to trust.

They want us turning on each other,

mistrusting each other,

competing for scraps.

They want us to believe that love is just romance, just desire, just a fleeting thing meant for a lucky few.

Love—real love—is dangerous to them.

Real love is the most rebellious thing you can feel in a world like this.

Real love isn't soft, or fragile, or tame.

Real love is wild. It is ferocious. It is messy and raw and alive. Real love isn't about looking away from the pain; it's about standing in the fire with someone and saying, "I see you. I'm not leaving."

Love doesn't mean forgetting the ways the world breaks us.

It means choosing to fight for each other anyway.

It means saying, "I will not let this system make me hard. I will not let it make me cold. I will not let it take away my capacity to feel, to care, to hold, to protect." That is the kind of love they fear.

This world, as they've built it is world is built on hatred and greed.

It thrives on fear, on disconnection, on convincing us that we're too broken, too different, too much or not enough to ever truly belong or make a difference.

But love? Love reminds us that we are not alone. That we never were. Love tears down the lie that we're meant to do this on our own.

Love isn't just romantic. Romantic love is a minor love.

Bigger love is in the way we show up for each other.

In the way we listen.

It is how we make space for each other's rage and grief without demanding that it be sanitized for comfort.

It is in the way we feed each other,

clothe each other,

fight for each other.

Love is when we say, "Your survival is tied to mine, and I will not abandon you."

That kind of love doesn't bypass the ugliness of the world—it stares it down. It says, "I see the violence, the hatred, the chaos, and I choose to protect you anyway. I choose to stand with you, even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard."

Love isn't passive. Love is action. Love is the way we resist a system that tells us we're disposable. It's the way we refuse to let that system steal our softness, our joy, our capacity to care. Love is rebellion because it demands connection in a world built to isolate us.

Let them call us too emotional.

Let them call us weak.

Let them call us dreamers, or idealists, or fools.

While they cling to their fear, their power, their greed, we will be here, choosing love. Choosing each other.

Love is wild. Love is dangerous. Love is ours.

If you are having difficulty walking through the wildfire that is the whole world right now, you don't have to do it alone. I can help.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

We Are Wild Now

Thu, 30 Jan 2025 19:23:56 GMT

knowing we are alone is what sets us free.

We are alone now. We, the women, the ones who refuse to be tamed, have been abandoned by the systems that claimed to protect us. Our government has turned its backs on us and left us to fend for ourselves while they sell our bodies, our rights, and our futures to the highest bidder.

Before this is over, we may be hunted.

Labeled.

Completely controlled.

They will come for us in ways that feel unimaginable now but are already on the horizon.

But here’s the thing they didn’t count on: knowing we are alone is what sets us free.

When you realize there’s no cavalry coming, you stop waiting.

When the chains of false hope fall away, what’s left is raw, feral, untamed freedom. And that kind of freedom? That’s dangerous.

That’s revolutionary.

That’s the fire they will never be able to extinguish.

We are wild now. We have no one but each other, and in that truth, we are unstoppable. This system—the corrupt, rotting structure that feeds on our pain and thrives on our silence—was never going to save us. It was never built to. It was built to control us, exploit us, break us into pieces small enough to manage. But we are not manageable. We are not here to fit into their sick, systemic structures.

Resistance, real resistance, will never happen within their rules. You cannot play fair in a game rigged against you.

You cannot fight oppression by asking the oppressors for permission. Resistance has to be unruly. It has to tear through the boundaries of their laws, their expectations, their false moralities. Resistance means re-wilding ourselves—together.

They want us tame. They want us civilized, docile, quiet, obedient. But the truth is, they are terrified of what happens when we stop asking for scraps and start taking back the whole damn meal. They are terrified of the moments when we turn to one another, hand to hand, heart to heart, and say, “We don’t need them. We only need us.”

So let’s let go of their lies.

Let’s let go of the idea that we have to fix this broken system.

Let’s let go of the idea that our liberation will ever come from their courts, their laws, their leaders.

It won’t.

Our liberation will come from us. From the wild. From the ways we unlearn their rules and remember our power. From the ways we gather in the dark, whispering truths they can’t silence. From the ways we care for each other fiercely, recklessly, unapologetically.

And yes, they will call us feral. Let them.

They will call us dangerous. Good.

They will call us criminals, outlaws, witches.

Let them name us with their fear, because fear is all they have.

We are wild now.

We are free.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

You are not here to be pretty for them.

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 28 Jan 2025 18:42:00 GMT

You get to decide you're beautiful - really, you do.

If you think you're not pretty, I need you to examine that thought for a moment.

Really sit with it.

Then ask yourself: Who told you that? Because I guarantee you didn't come out of the womb thinking that way. You weren't born questioning how your nose curves, your thighs touch, or the way your skin glows in the sunlight.

Somewhere along the line, this world taught you to doubt your own reflection. This world taught you to believe that your worth, your beauty, your value—everything you are—can be erased with a single comparison. And that's not your fault. But it is time to unlearn it.

Here's the truth: if you think you're not beautiful, you are 100% measuring yourself against a ruler designed to degrade your value. That ruler?

It's the male gaze.

It's white supremacy.

It's capitalism.

It's a cocktail of oppressive systems that were never meant to include you.

Never meant to celebrate you.

Never meant to honor the divine masterpiece that you are.

The male gaze is a lie. It's a marketing scheme designed by capitalism and pasted in place by beauty standards that center of whiteness.

It tells you that your value lies in how much you appeal to men, in whether you're "sexy" but not "too slutty,"

desirable but still "pure,"

easy to look at but never too bold.

It's a trap, built to keep you small, obedient, and always chasing approval. And let's be clear: that gaze doesn't love you. It doesn't even see you. It sees what it can take from you.

And then there's white supremacy, weaving its poison through every image, every ad, every movie, every magazine cover. Telling you that beauty looks one way: white, thin, Eurocentric, straight-haired, light-eyed. It values youth above all else, maybe to the point of finding girls the height of sexy.

White supremacy teaches you to erase yourself, to strip away the things that make you you—your curls, your melanin, your fullness, your fire—until you're left with some hollowed-out version of yourself, chasing after a standard that doesn't even recognize your humanity.

That standard isn't neutral. It was built to keep power in the hands of a select few and to convince you to spend your whole life chasing their approval instead of realizing your own.

But let me say this as clearly as I can: you are not here to be pretty for them.

You are not here to be pretty for anyone.

You are not an ornament.

You are not a canvas for someone else's desire.

You are not a product to be consumed or judged or compared.

You are a force.

A whole, wild, vibrant force of nature.

You are alive.

You are real.

You are infinite. And no standard, no gaze, no system of oppression can take that from you.

Your beauty does not depend on whether or not someone else sees it. It does not live in their eyes. It lives in you—in the way your body carries you through this world, in the way you laugh, in the way you love, in the way you are unflinchingly, unapologetically yourself.

Beauty is not something you owe anyone. It is not something you earn by shrinking, by conforming, by chasing some impossible ideal. Your beauty is in your truth. In your power. In your refusal to play by their rules.

So, if you've ever looked in the mirror and thought, "I'm not pretty," I want you to look again. Not with their eyes, not with their lies, but with the full weight of your own lusciousness.

Look at everything they told you to hate—your curves, your stretch marks, your scars, your freckles, your hair, your skin, your fullness—and understand this: those are the parts of you they could never tame.

Those are the parts of you that refuse to fit into their boxes, the parts that remind you of your own sacred power. And that power? It's the most beautiful thing of all.

Let go of their rulers. Let go of their standards. Let go of the lie that you were ever anything less than radiant. You don't have to conform to their gaze. You don't have to bend to their expectations. You don't have to make yourself smaller to fit into their broken world.

You are not a reflection of their standards. You are a reflection of your own light. You are enough, just as you are. You always have been.

The Coaching Guild is a training coach training program specifically designed to nurture dreamers, artists, creatives, outsiders, rebels, and good troublemakers. It is a multi-instructor, multi-disciplinary approach to training that prioritizes learning innovative foundational coaching skills and marketing training.

If you are interested in coach training done very differently, hit me up for a no-pressure, no BS, no trip, and fall into a sales funnel conversation. Let’s talk about what's possible for you as a coach.

Rituals over Resolutions

Thu, 23 Jan 2025 19:08:40 GMT

You don't need a New year New You - the Current you is just fine

The new year is already in motion, its rhythm steady, pulling us forward. By now, the resolutions whispered into the quiet of midnight may already feel distant. Promises made to ourselves often crumble under the weight of the same routines and the same doubts.

Most of us insist we’ve left resolutions behind, yet studies show otherwise. Resolutions linger—subtle, unspoken—rooted in the belief that who we are right now isn’t enough. They demand change, but without offering grace or structure. Resolutions push; rituals invite.

This year, let’s choose rituals over resolutions. Let’s step away from the sharp edges of striving and instead create spaces of intention, grounded in the rhythms of nature and the quiet magic of presence.

Here are ten rituals to welcome a year filled with meaning, joy, and a softer kind of transformation:

Create a Vision, Not a Goal

Goals often feel like tasks to conquer, mountains to climb. They press urgency into our days and tether us to a finish line we’re not always ready for. A vision, though, is different. A vision whispers, it expands—it’s not about what you must do, but how you long to feel.

Close your eyes and imagine your year as a painting. What colors does it hold? What textures and tones? Let yourself dream in broad strokes: the warmth of connection, the quiet of peace, the boldness of courage. Write it down. Draw it. Let the vision breathe and evolve, untethered by timelines.

Release What No Longer Serves You

Before something new can enter, the old must be released. The clutter of our hearts and minds takes many forms: unresolved emotions, habits worn thin, and relationships that weigh heavy. These linger not as companions but as shadows, blocking the light.

Write them down. Every hurt, every habit, every attachment you’re ready to let go of. Then offer them up to the universe. Burn the paper, bury it in the soil, or let it be carried away by water. In this act of release, you are not just letting go; you are making room for the tender, unknown beauty of what comes next.

Create a Ritual Object

Sometimes, our intentions need a tangible form. Choose an object that feels significant—a stone, a piece of jewelry, or something you’ve crafted yourself. Infuse it with your hopes and desires for the year ahead.

Hold this object and meditate on what it represents. Let it become a physical anchor for your intentions. Place it somewhere visible, or carry it with you. Whenever you see or touch it, reconnect with the energy you’re cultivating. Over time, this object becomes a quiet talisman of your commitment to yourself.

Design a Personal Ceremony

Traditional ceremonies often feel distant, tied to practices that don’t quite resonate. Instead, create one that’s entirely your own—a ceremony to mark the beginning of your year, rooted in what feels sacred to you.

Choose an evening or morning to slow down and honor your intentions.

Light candles or sit in silence. Write a letter to the universe, create art, or listen to music that moves you. Let this ceremony be deeply personal, a moment that feels both grounding and expansive. Return to it whenever you need to reset or realign.

Celebrate What’s Already Good

We rush to fix, improve, and change, forgetting to honor what’s already whole. But before you step into what’s next, pause. What is good in your life right now? What feels steady, joyful, or quietly beautiful?

Write down three things you’re proud of from last year. Maybe it’s a relationship you nurtured, a moment of courage, or the fact that you made it through a difficult season. Let gratitude bloom in your chest. This act of acknowledgment reminds you that you’re already enough.

Plan for Rest, Not Just Action

Our calendars are monuments to doing. Meetings, deadlines, goals—we map out the year with motion, forgetting that life also needs stillness. But rest is not an afterthought; it’s where everything begins.

Look at the weeks ahead and carve out spaces for rest. Not days to catch up on errands, but true rest—quiet afternoons, slow mornings, moments of pause. In the stillness, you’ll find creativity, clarity, and the softness you need to sustain the journey.

Connect With Nature

Nature asks nothing of us. It moves at its own pace, quietly whole. In the rush of modern life, stepping outside can feel like stepping into another world—one where time stretches and everything feels possible.

Go outside without a plan. Walk among trees, watch the wind ripple through leaves, feel the earth beneath your feet. Notice how the world continues without hurry. Let nature remind you that you, too, can slow down and still thrive.

Write a Letter to Your Future Self

Imagine yourself at the end of this year. Who are you? What have you experienced, let go of, or learned? Write a letter to that future self, filled with hope, gratitude, and encouragement.

Seal it away somewhere safe. At year’s end, open it and marvel at the paths you’ve traveled. This ritual is not about accountability—it’s about trust. Trust that you are becoming exactly who you’re meant to be, in your own time.

Protect Your Energy

Your energy is sacred, but it’s easy to scatter it—to give it away to people, tasks, and habits that leave us drained. Protecting your energy isn’t selfish; it’s survival.

Close your eyes and imagine a barrier around you. Maybe it’s light, soft but impenetrable, keeping what’s harmful out and letting love and joy in. Practice saying no without guilt. Let your energy be yours again, unbroken and whole.

Choose a Symbol for the Year Ahead

Symbols have power. They bypass logic and speak directly to your intuition. For the year ahead, choose a symbol that resonates deeply with the energy you want to embody. It could be a natural element like water, a shape like a circle, or something entirely unique to you.

Place this symbol somewhere you’ll see it daily—draw it in your journal, wear it as jewelry, or display it in your home. Let it be a quiet reminder of your intentions and a source of inspiration when you need it most.

Make This Year Sacred

Resolutions demand. Rituals invite. Resolutions rush. Rituals allow.

As the year unfolds, leave behind the pressure to do more, be more, or fix what isn’t broken. Instead, choose to move with intention, grace, and a touch of magic. This is your year. Not to conquer, but to savor. Not to hustle, but to be.

Make it sacred.

If you could use some support helping you design he most magical New Year despite the shit storm that we're living in, hit me up.

You can also find me at https://www.thecoachingguild.com/ if you’re interested in coach training.

Keeping a promise to yourself isn’t just about self-discipline. It’s about self-respect

Fri, 17 Jan 2025 20:52:56 GMT

Keeping promises to yourself is the most important commitment you can make in your life.

We bend ourselves into impossible shapes for others. We twist and turn, contort and compress until we barely recognize the outline of who we once were. We show up when we’re tired, say yes when we mean no, and carry the weight of promises that don’t belong to us.

And yet, the promises we make to ourselves?

We break them quietly, without ceremony, as if they never mattered at all.

The workout we said we’d do. The boundaries we swore we’d enforce. The rest we promised to take. We abandon these commitments without hesitation, convincing ourselves it’s the right thing to do. We tell ourselves that prioritizing others over ourselves is noble, even selfless.

But what if it’s not?

What if breaking promises to yourself is the deepest kind of betrayal?

The Quiet Cost of Self-Abandonment

Each time you break a commitment to yourself, it leaves a mark. Not a loud, obvious wound, but a subtle fracture. A small break in the foundation of trust you have in yourself.

And over time, those fractures add up. You stop believing your own words. You stop trusting your ability to follow through. You tell yourself, “Next time,” but you don’t mean it. And deep down, you know.

The cost of breaking promises to yourself isn’t always immediate, but it’s insidious. It seeps into your confidence, your energy, your sense of self-worth. It’s not the loud, crashing fall of breaking commitments to others—it’s the slow erosion of your connection to yourself.

Eventually, you wake up and wonder why you feel so disconnected. So tired. So resentful.

The Philosophy of Self-Loyalty

Self-loyalty is more than just keeping promises to yourself—it’s a way of living. It’s the quiet, steady belief that you are worth showing up for.

When you practice self-loyalty, something remarkable happens: you relieve other people of the burden of taking care of you. You stop outsourcing your worth and well-being to others, and you start taking responsibility for your own happiness.

Self-loyalty teaches others how to treat you. It sets the standard that you expect love, respect, and care—not because you demand it, but because you’ve already given those things to yourself. People see the way you honor your own boundaries, and they follow suit.

And most importantly, self-loyalty allows you to live an intentional life. When you keep your commitments to yourself, you start building a life that reflects your deepest values, desires, and truths. You stop living reactively, constantly catering to others, and start living deliberately.

Is It Worth It?

Ask yourself:

What is the cost of breaking your commitments to yourself? And is it worth it?

Is it worth the emptiness?

Is it worth the exhaustion that no amount of sleep can fix?

Is it worth living a life that feels like it doesn’t belong to you?

Because here’s the truth: every time you keep a promise to yourself, you reclaim something sacred. You remind yourself that your energy, time, and dreams are worth honoring. You create a ripple effect that changes not only how you feel about yourself but how others treat you and how you move through the world.

The Power of Showing Up

Keeping a promise to yourself isn’t just about self-discipline. It’s about self-respect. It’s about deciding that you are worthy of your own loyalty.

And when you live from that place, you create a life that’s intentional, grounded, and yours. You teach others that you won’t settle for less than love and respect. And you free yourself—and those around you—from the chaos of constant self-abandonment.

The next time you’re tempted to break a promise to yourself, ask yourself:

What could happen if I stayed loyal to me?

The answer might just change everything.

I want to chat about the promises you’ve made to yourself—the ones you’ve broken and the ones you’re ready to keep. I want to unpack how self-loyalty can transform not just the way you show up for yourself, but the way the world shows up for you. I want to talk about who you were before you started putting everyone else first and how to rebuild that connection to yourself.

I’m not here to fix you because I don’t think you’re broken—I’m here to help you fall in love with yourself and your life again. No guilt, no shame, just real, transformative coaching from someone with three decades of experience. Ready to reclaim your self-loyalty? Let’s set some sparks flying. DM me.

You can also find me at www.thecoachingguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Seven Days to a Softer Relationship with Dopamine

Thu, 16 Jan 2025 21:27:45 GMT

Dopamine Runs the show but you can be the one running dopamine

2025 Is Chaotic

Just like its predecessor, it is showing up loud.

The hustle keeps whispering (or screaming) in our ears.

The latest buzzword flooding my social media feed is soft life. I love the idea of soft—but I am super-fucking-clear that a soft life can't happen at a rapid-fire pace. Soft has to be slow. While soft seems pretty easy to me, slow does not. Slowing down is hard because everything feels way more important than it is.

A slow and soft life isn't about laziness or giving up. It's about living in rhythm with nature, living in rhythm with yourself. It's about creating a life that belongs to you—not the system.

At your core, you are nothing but a wild animal with a laptop. Almost all of us are living too far outside the organic cycles of our nature.

Dopamine Is Running the Show

And here's where we need to talk about dopamine. Dopamine, when managed right, will keep you in an organic rhythm that supports your wellness and connection to your life. Dopamine done wrong will drive you mad—literally.

Dopamine is the chemical that makes you chase. It drives desire, motivation, and that rush of excitement you feel when something shiny grabs your attention. It's why you can scroll TikTok for hours, binge an entire season on Netflix, or obsessively check your phone for notifications. Dopamine is why you feel like you always need more.

But here's the problem: in today's overstimulated world, we're all trapped in a cycle of cheap dopamine hits. Social media, constant notifications, endless content—it's hijacked our brains. We're addicted to the quick, shallow thrill, and we've lost our connection to the deeper, organic rhythms that actually make life meaningful.

To create a slow and soft life, you need to break up with that cycle. This isn't about cutting dopamine out of your life entirely—it's about taking back control. Dopamine rehab is the key to slowing down, syncing with nature, and finally building a life that feels good, not just busy.

Before You Start: A Reality Check

You might look at this list and feel like it's impossible. You might tell yourself, "I'll try these things someday," or, "This doesn't apply to me right now." Those thoughts? They're not just excuses—they're symptoms.

Resistance to slowing down is one of the clearest signs of dopamine addiction. If you find yourself brushing off these steps or believing you can't make space for them, it's a signal that your system is hooked on the rush. The very behaviors that make you feel stuck are driven by the addiction itself.

Breaking free doesn't require perfection. It requires small, intentional choices made consistently. Start where you are. Even one shift in your routine can begin to unravel the cycle.

Seven Days to a Softer Relationship with Dopamine

Day 1: Get Honest About Your Dopamine Traps

Start by paying attention to the habits that pull you into a cycle of chasing shallow rewards. Social media, binge-watching, endless notifications—these are all traps designed to keep your brain hooked. Notice how often you reach for your phone without thinking or find yourself mindlessly scrolling. These habits might seem harmless in the moment, but they’re draining your energy and attention.

Spend today observing without judgment. The goal isn’t to beat yourself up—it’s to identify the patterns that keep you stuck. Awareness is the foundation for change. Once you know where your energy is leaking, you can start to redirect it.

�� Pro Tip : Keep a small notebook or use a notes app on your phone to track these moments. Jotting down what you’re doing and how you’re feeling can help you spot patterns you didn’t even realize were there.

Day 2: Replace Shallow Hits with Real Rewards

Dopamine isn't bad—it’s essential for motivation and joy. The problem is that shallow dopamine hits, like likes and notifications, only provide a quick thrill before leaving you feeling empty. Today, swap those fleeting rewards for something deeper.

Cook a meal and savor the process. Write, draw, or create something that feels meaningful to you. Move your body, even if it’s just a stretch or a walk around the block. Real rewards take more effort, but they also offer more satisfaction and connection to your life.

�� Pro Tip : Choose one simple activity today—something creative or physical—and commit to doing it fully. Notice how it feels compared to the instant gratification of a notification.

Day 3: Cancel One Thing

Your schedule is probably too full. We’ve all been conditioned to equate busyness with value, but constantly running on empty isn’t sustainable. Look at your calendar today and find one thing you can cancel. Maybe it’s a meeting, an errand, or even just an unnecessary task.

The space you create can be small, but it’s powerful. Use that time to rest, daydream, or do something that brings you joy. Canceling something unimportant is an act of rebellion against the grind culture that demands we do it all.

��️ Pro Tip : Make this a weekly ritual. Every week, cancel one thing that doesn’t truly serve you and reclaim that time for yourself.

Day 4: Practice Single-Tasking

We live in a world that glorifies multitasking, but the truth is, it scatters your focus and drains your energy. Today, commit to single-tasking. When you’re eating, just eat. When you’re working, focus on one task at a time. When you’re with a loved one, put your phone away and be fully present.

Single-tasking slows you down and makes everything feel more intentional. It’s about showing up fully for the moment you’re in instead of splitting your attention in a thousand directions.

�� Pro Tip : Try the Pomodoro Technique: Set a timer for 25 minutes and focus entirely on one task. Take a five-minute break, then repeat. This method builds focus and gives your brain a rhythm to follow.

Day 5: Spend Time Outside

Nature moves at a pace that is entirely its own, and reconnecting with it can ground you in ways nothing else can. Spend time outside today—even if it’s just a few minutes. Feel the air on your skin, listen to the sounds around you, and let yourself be fully present in the natural world.

Whether you’re walking in a park, sitting under a tree, or just standing in your backyard, allow nature to reset your nervous system. It’s a reminder that life doesn’t have to be rushed to thrive.

�� Pro Tip : Make it intentional. Leave your phone behind or on silent, and give yourself the gift of uninterrupted time in nature.

Day 6: Set a Screen-Time Limit

Screens are everywhere, and they’re designed to keep you hooked. Today, set a clear boundary around your screen use. No phones during meals, an hour of tech-free time before bed, or even a fully unplugged evening—whatever feels achievable for you.

Limiting screen time doesn’t just reduce distractions; it gives your brain the space it needs to rest and reset. You might be surprised at how much more present and focused you feel with even a little distance from your devices.

�� Pro Tip : Use your phone’s built-in screen-time tools to set limits and track your usage. Start small and adjust as you go.

Day 7: Choose Joy Over Productivity

In a world that equates worth with productivity, choosing joy can feel radical. But joy isn’t just nice to have—it’s essential. Today, ask yourself: What would feel good right now? Then do it.

This isn’t about what’s useful or efficient. It’s about what lights you up. Whether it’s dancing, reading, or simply lying in the sun, joy reconnects you to yourself and reminds you why life is worth slowing down for.

�� Pro Tip : Start a “joy list.” Write down things that make you happy, and keep it handy for days when you need a little spark.

A Softer, More Intentional Life

This seven-day journey is just the beginning. Softening your relationship with dopamine is about small, consistent choices that reconnect you with what truly matters.

Let this be the year you reclaim your energy and choose joy, even in the midst of chaos. A softer, slower, more intentional life is waiting.

I want to chat about the ways dopamine is running the show in your life. I want to unpack the habits that keep you chasing and explore the rhythms that could bring you back to yourself. I want to talk about who you were before overstimulation and burnout took hold—and how to reconnect with the version of you who knew how to slow down and savor life.

I’m not here to fix you because I don’t think you’re broken—I’m here to help you fall in love with yourself and your life again. No hustle glorification, no shame, just real, transformative coaching from someone with three decades of experience.

Ready to reclaim your energy, joy, and peace? Let’s create some space for the slow and soft life you deserve. DM me.

You can also find me at www.thecoachingguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Overachieving Is a Fool’s Game

Tue, 07 Jan 2025 18:37:33 GMT

C’s Get Degrees—and So Do D’s

We live in a world that constantly demands more. Work harder, outperform, overachieve—it’s the relentless drumbeat of capitalism, convincing us that our value lies in how much we produce. But here’s the truth: doing more doesn’t mean you’re doing better. In fact, doing less might just be the most radical and necessary thing you can do.

C’s Get Degrees—and So Do D’s

Let’s start here: C’s get degrees. So do D’s. The drive to outperform, to strive for perfection, is often rooted in the false belief that we have to be the best to succeed. But does it really matter? Who benefits from you pushing yourself to the brink, obsessing over perfection, or giving 110% to tasks that only require 60%?

Often, it’s not you. It’s the system. The harder you work, the more energy you pour into someone else’s dreams and someone else’s pockets. Your overperformance isn’t a badge of honor—it’s the engine of a system that profits from your exhaustion.

The Cost of Doing More

The compulsion to do more is a form of energy bleed. Every time you push past your limits, you’re draining a finite resource: your personal energy. And let’s be clear—your energy is the most valuable resource you have. It’s more precious than time, money, or any material possession because it fuels everything you do.

When you give your energy away without question, you lose pieces of yourself. You lose the time to rest, the space to dream, and the ability to live a life that feels like it’s truly yours. Conserving and reclaiming your energy isn’t selfish—it’s survival.

A Commitment to a Slow and Soft Life

Maybe the answer isn’t about doing more but about doing less. Maybe the real rebellion isn’t in achieving more but in refusing to play the game. A commitment to a slow and soft life is a commitment to a life that belongs to you. It’s about deciding that your energy isn’t up for grabs, and your worth isn’t tied to productivity.

The slow and soft life isn’t laziness—it’s intentionality. It’s about discerning what truly matters to you and letting the rest go. It’s about recognizing the tasks, relationships, and obligations that drain your energy and setting boundaries to protect what’s yours.

Where Are You Bleeding Energy?

One of the most important lessons you can learn in this lifetime is how to recognize where you’re bleeding energy. Is it the job that demands constant overperformance? The relationship that takes more than it gives? The endless striving to meet someone else’s definition of success?

Start asking yourself: who benefits from this? If the answer isn’t you, it’s time to stop. You don’t owe anyone your burnout. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to do it all.

Do Less. Reclaim Yourself.

The drive to outperform is a trap. Capitalism wants you to believe that your worth is tied to how much you do and how well you do it. But the truth is, your worth has nothing to do with your productivity.

Do less. Conserve your energy. Reclaim it for yourself. When you stop pouring your life force into someone else’s dream, you create space for your own. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the real definition of success.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Witches are the OG Life Coaches

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Mon, 06 Jan 2025 20:06:11 GMT

They knew it all along

Before there were life coaches, there were witches. Long before modern psychology taught us about the power of thoughts and intention, witches were teaching spellwork to amplify focus and create change. At its core, spellwork is a practice of intentional focus—a way to direct the energy of your thoughts and actions toward a specific outcome.

Thoughts, after all, are the most common (though not the only) container for focus. They shape how we see the world, how we make decisions, and, ultimately, the trajectory of our lives. Witches understood this intuitively, using spellwork as a tool to harness and amplify the power of thoughts.

The Power of Focus

Modern science supports what witches have always known: where your attention goes, your energy flows. Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to rewire itself—proves that repeated thoughts and actions strengthen neural pathways. When you focus on something consistently, your brain literally reorganizes itself to make that focus more accessible and actionable.

But witches didn’t just work with focus in the abstract. They turned it into ritual, combining thoughts with action, emotion, and symbolism to magnify its power. The chants, candles, herbs, and symbols used in spellwork weren’t just aesthetic—they were tools to amplify intention and make focus tangible.

Spellwork as Focus Amplified

A spell isn’t just about saying the right words or gathering the right ingredients. It’s a way of anchoring focus in the physical world. When you light a candle, chant an incantation, or hold a meaningful object, you’re giving your mind a focal point. This anchors your thoughts, emotions, and energy, allowing you to direct them with greater intensity.

Think of spellwork as intentional thought made visible. Witches were teaching people how to take their internal focus—their desires, dreams, and intentions—and give it shape. They turned the abstract into action, teaching that thoughts combined with deliberate effort could transform reality.

The Intersection of Magic and Coaching

If that sounds familiar, it’s because it’s the foundation of what modern life coaches teach today. The idea that “your thoughts create your reality” is a cornerstone of coaching. Affirmations, visualization exercises, and goal-setting frameworks are essentially spells stripped of ritual. They rely on the same principle: that focusing your energy on a specific outcome makes it more likely to manifest.

But witches didn’t just stop at focus—they worked with the entire energetic system. They knew that thoughts, emotions, and actions are interconnected, and spellwork reflects this holistic approach. For them, magic wasn’t just about thinking positive thoughts; it was about aligning every part of yourself with your desired outcome.

Witches Knew the Science of Magic Before There Was Science

What witches taught centuries ago is now backed by science. Neuroplasticity shows how repeated focus reshapes the brain. Studies confirm that rituals reduce stress and increase confidence, making success more likely. Even quantum physics hints at the observer’s role in shaping reality.

But witches didn’t need scientific studies to know this. They practiced it. They taught it. They lived it. And their tools—spells, rituals, and incantations—were designed to help people direct their focus with precision and amplify its power.

The Ancestral Wisdom of Women in the Modern World

The wisdom of witches isn’t just ancient—it’s ancestral. It’s the knowledge passed down by women who understood the power of focus, ritual, and intention long before these ideas had scientific names. They taught us how to work with the natural rhythms of life, to embrace both the seen and unseen forces shaping our realities.

Today, as women reclaim their autonomy and power, we’re reconnecting with the ancestral wisdom that was almost lost to history. We’re rediscovering the practices that amplify focus and intention, not as trends, but as tools that honor our lineage and guide us forward.

Witches knew how to transform focus into power and intention into action—lessons that still guide us today. Whether through coaching or spellwork, the goal remains the same: to harness our energy, align it with purpose, and create meaningful change.

If you want to more magic in your life, I am here for that. I want to chat about the things you obsess over when you lie awake at night. I want to unpack your dreams and your nightmares. I want to talk about who you were before all that shit dimmed your shine and how to get her back.

.You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training

The Divine Goddess Will Wreck Your Life—Don’t Call Her Unless You’re Ready

Thu, 02 Jan 2025 19:50:01 GMT

Stop Calling on Warrior Goddesses If You’re Still Settling for Bullshit

There's a lot of talk these days about women invoking the energies of powerful goddesses of the death and rebirth cycle like Kali, Hecate, and Pele. It's become fashionable, even trendy, to claim connection to these primal forces of destruction and rebirth. But let me tell you something: if you're still settling for mediocrity in your life, you're not actually working with those energies. Your spiritual practice is more talk than walk. Divine goddesses of destruction leave evidence of their presence in their wake.

These goddesses don't show up to play nice. They don't show up to give you a pep talk and let you keep living in a way that drains your soul. They show up to destroy the parts of your life that are holding you back. They don't have a lot of patients.

These Energies Don't Allow Bullshit

Hecate doesn't come to whisper sweet nothings into your ear while you tolerate a dead-end job, a toxic relationship, or the slow erosion of your boundaries. She'll drag you by your hair away from anything or anyone stealing your energy, and then she'll light the rubble on fire so you can't go back.

The same goes for Kali, Pele, and the other forces of divine destruction. They're not interested in maintaining the status quo. They won't prioritize your comfort over your growth. They're here to tear it down so you can rise.

I once had a friend who invoked Kali Ma to "handle" her soon-to-be ex-husband. She wanted to know if he was cheating, and she wanted him out of her life if he was. Kali did handle him—but not in the way she expected. Three weeks after turning to Kali, the man had a car accident that left him partially disabled. He had a mental breakdown during rehab, and never worked another day in his life. He was never able to pay single dime of child support for their two kids.

Kali doesn't do half-measures. If you ask her to intervene, she will. But you don't get to control how the destruction unfolds. We never get to control how destruction unfolds. He have to be at peace with losing everything all the time and almost no one is.

The Trend Is Bluster

As we move into a political climate that actively jeopardizes the safety and autonomy of women, more and more women are claiming relationships with these energies. It's understandable—there's power in invoking archetypes like Hecate or Kali. But let's be real: a lot of that talk is just bluster.

These energies are not for the faint of heart. They're not for women who want to keep one foot in their comfort zone while dipping a toe into transformation. They're for women ready to lose everything to gain themselves. They are for women prepared to let the fire consume whatever no longer serves them, no matter how much they've clung to it in the past.

These goddesses are primal forces of nature. They do not ask your permission, and they do not give you the option of halfway transformation. When they move into your life, they take over. They see what you can't or won't. They rip the blindfold off and make you face the truth you've been avoiding. And the truth is this: if you're working with these energies, you will lose what's not aligned with your highest self—whether you want to or not

Embrace Destruction

If we're going to not just survive but thrive in the coming years, we need to stop playing nice. We need to embrace destruction with the same excitement we tend to bring to creation. This is a time to enter our divine villain era—to stop apologizing for wanting more and start making room for it by burning down what's in the way.

But hear this: if you invoke these energies—if you call on Kali, Hecate, or Pele—you must be ready for the consequences. Your life will not stay the same. They don't do superficial change. They rip things out by the root. They burn it all down. And they do it for you—but only if you're ready.

The destruction these goddesses bring isn't cruel—it's clarity.

It's liberation. But it's also brutal. You'll lose relationships that drain you, jobs that don't honor you, and comforts that keep you small. You'll lose the excuses you've relied on to stay stuck. And when they're done, there will be no going back.

It's okay if you're not ready. It's okay to sit with the idea of transformation and take your time. But don't call on these energies unless you're willing to face the fire. Don't venerate them casually or as a trend. Don't ask them for change and then resist the very change they bring.

These goddesses don't care about your comfort. They care about your growth. They care about your power. They care about you stepping into the version of yourself that no longer tolerates mediocrity or bullshit.

_________________________

If you'd like to bring more magic into your life or need help finding your path back to yourself hit me up. I want to chat about the things you obsess over when you lie awake at night. I want to unpack your dreams and your nightmares. I want to talk about who you were before all that shit dimmed your shine and how to get her back.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

The New Year, New You trope is a trap

Tue, 31 Dec 2024 18:32:14 GMT

They always, only want your money

The calendar flips to January, and suddenly the world is screaming at us to become new people. We’re told to set goals, start diets, join gyms, and hustle harder—as if the turning of a page is the magical moment we’re all supposed to overhaul our lives. It’s the same story every year, and every year, it leaves us feeling like failures by mid-February when the momentum fizzles out.

But here’s the thing: this isn’t about self-improvement. It’s about capitalism. The machine needs us to buy into the idea that we’re not enough as we are. The gym memberships, the planners, the courses, the self-help books—it’s a billion-dollar industry designed to feed on your doubt and exhaustion. And what’s worse, it’s asking you to push forward at the exact time nature is asking you to rest.

Winter Is Not a Season for Hustle

For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, deep winter is a time of stillness. The trees are bare. The earth is quiet, held in a state of pause. Everything in nature is telling us to slow down, go inward, and conserve our energy. Animals hibernate, plants go dormant, and yet here we are, pushing through. Why? Because we’ve been conditioned to see rest as laziness, as something shameful. But nothing about this pressure is natural—it’s a mandate of capitalism.

Capitalism doesn’t want you to rest. It wants you in perpetual motion, always chasing the next thing. Always buying, always consuming. Rest doesn’t make money. Introspection doesn’t boost quarterly profits. And for businesses, New Year’s is a critical time for sales—a significant percentage of annual revenue comes from products marketed to capitalize on your perceived need for change. So instead of honoring the season of stillness, we’re sold the idea that we should sprint into the new year with shiny new goals, ignoring the fact that our bodies and minds are crying out for pause.

The Wisdom of the Seasons

If we were living in alignment with the natural cycles, we’d treat winter as a sacred time of introspection and restoration. We’d use this season to reflect on the year we’ve just lived—to honor the lessons, process the struggles, and celebrate the growth. We’d take stock of what we’ve carried and what we no longer want to bring into the light of spring.

This isn’t the time to plan and push. It’s the time to rest and release. The seeds of change don’t sprout in the dead of winter. They germinate slowly in the dark, beneath the surface, gathering strength for what’s to come.

Goals Can Wait

Let me be clear: there’s nothing wrong with wanting to grow or set goals. But January isn’t the time, at least not for those of us in winter’s grip. Deep winter isn’t the energy of action; it’s the energy of stillness. When you try to force motion during a time meant for rest, you’re not setting yourself up for success—you’re setting yourself up for burnout.

Give yourself permission to stop. Let the world keep spinning with its diet plans and morning routines and vision boards. You don’t have to join the rush. The truth is, real transformation isn’t rushed. It happens when you’ve allowed yourself the time and space to truly connect with what you want and why you want it.

Rest Is Rebellion

Choosing to rest is a radical act in a world that demands constant productivity. Slowing down, listening to your body, and honoring your own pace is an act of rebellion against the forces that profit from your exhaustion. It’s a way of reclaiming your sovereignty.

So this year, let’s do something different. Instead of sprinting into January with resolutions and hustle, let’s embrace winter for what it is: a time to pause. Reflect on the year behind you. Dream quietly about the year ahead, but don’t feel pressured to act on those dreams just yet. Trust that when the energy of spring arrives, you’ll know it’s time to move.

And for those in the Southern Hemisphere, where the energy of summer is alive and vibrant, the call might be different—but even there, the relentless push of consumerism can strip joy from your days. Wherever you are, honor the pace that feels true to you.

Until then, rest. Dream. Breathe. It’s enough.

_________________

If you need help processing the New Year and planning for 2025 with compassion for yourself or you need help finding your path back to yourself hit me up. I want to chat about the things you obsess over when you lie awake at night. I want to unpack your dreams and your nightmares. I want to talk about who you were before all that shit dimmed your shine and how to get her back.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Being a raged mess for the holidays is not going to make for good memories

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Fri, 20 Dec 2024 19:52:02 GMT

The real gift of the season isn’t perfection—it’s self-compassion.

We tell ourselves we don’t do it anymore. We pretend we’ve grown out of unrealistic expectations—but there is something about the holidays. There’s a pull, a whisper that says, “This year, it will be different.” A small, unspoken hope that maybe this year will bring the magic we’re sure we’ve missed before.

And yet, when the cookies burn, the gifts arrive late, or the family dinner erupts into the same old mayhem, we feel it again—the hollow ache of disappointment. We scroll through Instagram, seeing picture-perfect trees and glowing smiles, and wonder why it doesn’t feel the same in our homes. Why doesn’t the magic find us?

We tell ourselves other people can pull it off—their photos, their posts, and their seemingly effortless celebrations prove it.

Perfection exists; we’re just the ones failing to create it. And that failure stings in a way that is unique to the holidays. It’s not just about feeling inadequate—it’s the sense that, in falling short, we’re letting people down. The kids didn’t get the picture-perfect Christmas morning. Our partners didn’t feel the romance of the season. The gatherings didn’t feel warm enough, festive enough, magical enough. We hold ourselves to impossible standards and call it love, but it’s a kind of self-inflicted cruelty.

For many of us, the pressure comes from two directions at once. Some of us are chasing the ghost of perfect Christmas memories from our childhoods, trying to recreate the magic we think we remember. But nostalgia is a trickster, painting the past in soft-focus, leaving out the chaos, the tears, the moments that weren’t perfect. Others of us are desperately trying to create the holiday experiences we didn’t have as children—determined to fill in the gaps we felt growing up. Either way, we put the weight of all that expectation on ourselves, forgetting that the holidays don’t have to heal the past or compete with an imagined ideal.

The real gift of the season isn’t perfection—it’s self-compassion. The greatest thing we can offer the people we love, especially our children, is the memory of a mother who was happy. Not a parent who was stressed, frazzled, and chasing a Pinterest-worthy holiday, but one who laughed, played, and let the little things slide. The truth is, no one remembers the perfectly decorated living room. What they carry is the feeling of love, the joy of connection, and the warmth of being with someone who was present.

Holiday magic doesn’t come from nailing the aesthetic or curating the perfect moment. It comes from being real, from embracing the imperfection of it all.

It’s found in burnt cookies,

off-key carols,

and the love that shows up in the middle of the mess.

The magic isn’t something you find; it’s something you allow, simply by being here, as you are, and letting that be enough.

So, my advice today is the same as my advice every other day: Give yourself a fucking break.

_____________________________________________

If you need support walking through this moment, hit me up.

I want to chat about the things you obsess over when you lay awake at night. I want to unpack your dreams and your nightmares. I want to talk about who you were before all that shit dimmed your shine and how to get her back.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Gratitude is Not a Meditation on Perfection

Wed, 27 Nov 2024 18:56:13 GMT

Gratitude is also not required

You are not ungrateful because you are sad.

You are not ungrateful because you are lonely or want to be alone.

You are not ungrateful because the future looks frightening or you feel lost today.

You are not ungrateful because you can't take your eyes off the suffering.

You are not ungrateful because you long for the life you once had or the life you thought you would have.

You are not ungrateful if you are mourning.

You are not ungrateful if you are smothered by grief.

You are not ungrateful if you are disillusioned and confused.

Raw, beautiful gratitude is not absolute, nor does it require perfection.

It is not a meditation on what's picture-perfect.

It is more nuanced and has more layers than the emotion itself.

Gratitude is not the absence of pain but the recognition of beauty amidst it. It coexists with sorrow, allowing us to acknowledge our struggles while still appreciating the moments of light. In times of grief and uncertainty, it's natural to feel overwhelmed, to question, to mourn the futures we envisioned.

These emotions do not negate our capacity for gratitude; they enrich it, adding depth to our appreciation for the resilience we discover within ourselves and the compassion we extend to others.

As we navigate these complex feelings, let us remember that gratitude is not a demand for constant positivity. It's an invitation to embrace the full spectrum of our experiences, to find grace in our imperfections, and to honor the journey, no matter how tumultuous. In doing so, we cultivate a more authentic and profound sense of gratitude, one that acknowledges the shadows and celebrates the light.

______________________

There is a heaviness in grieving the collective dreams we once held

Wed, 20 Nov 2024 19:34:15 GMT

And It's going to take longer than a few days to recover

Grief is not always about losing what we’ve had; sometimes, it’s about losing what we thought we might have. The future we imagined—bright, open, a little softer around the edges—feels impossibly distant now, fractured by the weight of events that seem to come one after another, with no time to breathe.

There is a heaviness in grieving the collective dreams we once held, and it sits differently than personal loss. It’s a sorrow too big for one person to carry and too quiet to notice until it’s become a part of us, like a stone tucked into the folds of our souls.

This kind of grief doesn’t resolve quickly. It can’t be fixed with a good night’s sleep or a weekend of distractions. It lingers, not because we’re unwilling to let go, but because what we’re grieving is still unfolding. It’s hard to heal from something that hasn’t ended. When you look out at the world and see the same struggles repeated day after day, it’s natural to feel the sharp pang of despair. And yet, the pressure to carry on—to show up, to produce, to keep smiling—remains relentless.

This pressure to pretend nothing happened, to return to “normal,” compounds the pain. What does normal even mean when the foundation we once stood on feels irreparably cracked? To grieve, truly grieve, is an act of defiance in a culture that values productivity over humanity. But grief has its own timetable. It is stubborn, refusing to be rushed, and it will not be denied.

If you are not "back to normal," it’s because you are honoring a process that is sacred and deeply human. That in and of itself is normal.

There’s a collective wound we are all carrying right now, whether we name it or not. We’ve lost faith in systems we were told to trust. We’ve watched opportunities narrow, futures dim, and the world grow harsher for so many. And yet, there’s so little room for this kind of grief to be expressed. It is easier to act as though we’re fine, to force a smile and push through. But the grief remains, pooling in the cracks, quietly shaping us in ways we don’t yet understand.

To feel this grief is to remain connected to our humanity. It’s an acknowledgment of how deeply we care—about each other, about the world, about what could have been. But it is also exhausting. Holding space for this kind of pain requires an immense amount of courage, and often, that courage goes unnoticed, even by ourselves. It’s easy to feel as though we’re failing when we can’t move past it quickly enough. But grief is not a failure; it is a sign that we are alive and paying attention.

If there is any balm for this kind of sorrow, it is compassion. Compassion for ourselves as we navigate the weight of emotions we don’t always have words for. Compassion for others who may be grieving in ways we can’t see.

This is not a process that can be hurried, and it is not a burden that can be lifted by force of will alone. The only way through is to allow space for the feelings to come and to soften, over time, in their own way.

So if you feel like you’re not okay right now, remember: you’re not alone. The grief of a world in flux is a shared experience, even if it feels isolating. Give yourself permission to grieve without a deadline, without needing to explain why. This is how we honor the past, the future we dreamed of, and the fragile beauty of being human. It takes time—more time than we’d like—but it is time worth taking.

_________________________________________

If you need help processing this with compassion for yourself or you need help finding your path back to a sense of safety hit me up. I want to chat about the things you obsess over when you lie awake at night. I want to unpack your dreams and your nightmares. I want to talk about who you were before all that shit dimmed your shine and how to get her back.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

This is the work of Kali

Thu, 14 Nov 2024 20:59:19 GMT

I urge you, don't waste energy hoping for the return of "normal."

This isn't just another election cycle, another season of uncertainty. This is a reckoning, a moment of destruction and transformation that has been building, silently or not-so-silently, for years.

I know you're scared. I am too. The heaviness of this moment, the sense that the ground is shifting beneath our feet - it all feels like too much and it's natural to want to hide.

Right after the 2016 election, many of us in spiritual and witchy circles whispered about the fierce, unapologetic power of the goddess Kali Ma. Kali, the goddess of death and destruction, was seen as the perfect avatar of that time's upheaval.

We spoke of her with awe and respect, thinking that her influence was simply a shadow passing over us. But we were wrong. Kali wasn't passing over. She was stepping in, settling in for the long haul. And she's still here, dismantling what no longer serves us, burning away what's rotten and hollow. It smells like rot. It feels like a vast dark emptiness. We hoped it would be a lot more temporary than it will be, and we know that now because here we are again.

2016 was merely the opening act. That was her knock at the door. This, right now, is the crushing middle of her cycle of destruction—a cycle that demands everything from us. If we're honest, most of us know we're not yet at the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel part of this story. We felt it on election day - there was a palpable sense of her presence in the air. Kali is not done with us.

We are knee-deep in the chaos, in the unmaking, and yes, it's terrifying. But Kali's gift isn't just death and destruction; it's rebirth. For her, death is just the prelude. Every collapse, every dismantling, every letting go is making room for what's next.

And here's the truth that might shake you: the "normal" we keep grasping for isn't coming back. There is no going back. Kali's path is forward, through the wreckage, beyond the structures that are crumbling. Our task is not to resurrect what's been lost. It's to build something entirely new, something that honors this moment of evolution we're living through.

There's a quote in The Last Jedi that nails it: "Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That's the only way to become what you were meant to be." This is where we are—letting the past die, not out of bitterness, but out of necessity. Kali has led us here, forced us to sit in the fire and watch the old ways burn away, leaving us raw, unsettled, and eventually reborn.

This is the work of Kali: she makes us participants and spectators in the grand dismantling, at both the personal and societal levels. And though it's uncomfortable, we are not here by accident. We're being called to envision a world that doesn't yet exist. We are the creators, but we are also the created, being shaped by this fire and tested by the dark.

So, I urge you, don't waste energy hoping for the return of "normal." Instead, let's ask ourselves the real, potent questions: What must I let go of to become the person I was meant to be? What do we need to release, even if it feels painful, to become the people we are meant to be?

We can't beat Kali, so maybe it's time to join her. What if we leaned into the destruction and found strength there? What if we forged ourselves anew in the very fires that scare us? Now is the time to dream the rebirth. To plan for it, create space for it, and summon it into being with every intentional step we take.

You are not here by accident. We are a chosen generation, walking with Kali through one of her most profound, unapologetic, and transformative cycles. In the history of humanity, very few have had the fortune, or the courage, to walk this path. This is your story, your myth, your legend in the making.

Make the most of it. Embrace the undoing, lean into the fear, and welcome your own rebirth.

If you need support walking through this moment, hit me up.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Enter Darkness

Wed, 13 Nov 2024 18:34:01 GMT

Darkness is not the enemy

We are living in a moment that feels shadowed, weighted, heavy with history and time. This season of darkness—both in the world around us and in the heart of the year—invites us into stillness, asks us to step away from the relentless noise and light and settle into something quieter, something truer. This isn’t just the dimming of the days; it’s an invitation to enter the sacred quiet of winter’s beginning. To prepare for rest, for healing, for the work of survival and renewal.

Tonight, turn off the lights. Let the artificial brightness fade away and embrace the ancient pull of darkness. Light a candle, let it flicker and cast shadows, and allow your senses to recalibrate to a more natural rhythm. Give your body permission to feel the depth of this time, to surrender to a slower beat, to pause from the feverish pace we’re told to keep. Darkness isn’t just the absence of light; it’s a presence all its own. It’s a place where we can breathe, recalibrate, and feel the weight and warmth of solitude.

Turn away from distractions. Put down the screens, the noise, the endless scroll of information that clutters the mind and drains the spirit. Allow your brain the gift of gentle emptiness, the rare reprieve of boredom. Let your mind wander, unburdened by a constant demand for input, for production, for vigilance. In the quiet, in the blank spaces, your mind finds room to rest, to settle, to exhale. You don’t have to fill every moment. In fact, there is power in not filling it. There is a potency in the quiet, an alchemy in boredom that we rarely allow ourselves to experience.

This is hibernation. It’s not an escape; it’s a return to something forgotten, something primal, something our bodies know but our minds have neglected. There is a wisdom in winter, in darkness, that we’ve been conditioned to ignore. We’re told to resist it, to fill the dark with neon, to keep moving, keep pushing. But winter was always meant to be a season of slowing down. Our ancestors knew this—they honored it. They listened when the earth said, “Rest now, for soon there will be growth again.”

Let yourself be enveloped. Feel the edges of your awareness soften, let go of the drive to achieve or produce. Release the need to be vigilant against every shadow and silence. The noise of the world may rage on, but in this darkness, in this sacred hibernation, you find the quietude that heals. You find space to mourn, to grieve the weight of this moment in history, to acknowledge the ache without numbing it away.

And in this grief, in this embrace of the dark, you plant seeds for spring. You prepare not by forcing yourself to shine or produce but by allowing yourself the reprieve of rest. Winter is not lifeless; it is life underground, seeds lying in wait. And so, too, you wait. You lie fallow, gathering the energy that will bloom when the sun returns. This is the time for inner alchemy, for the transformations that need darkness to take root.

Darkness is not the enemy. It is the womb of the world, the cradle of creation, the space where things unformed gather strength. In entering it, we make space for the spring we crave, but we do not rush it. We honor the cycle, the descent as much as the ascent.

So, turn off the lights. Turn off the noise. Embrace the boredom, the quiet, the shadow, the soft stillness that awaits. Let this darkness hold you, let it remind you of the rhythms that are older than the demands of the modern world. Allow your mind to wander, unburdened by distraction, until it finds stillness. Embrace this sacred hibernation, this gift of winter’s embrace. Allow yourself to be, without the insistence to become.

In this darkness, we remember ourselves. We prepare, we rest, we heal. And when the time comes, we will rise, nourished and whole, ready to greet the light once more.

_____________________________________

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

The Rise of Feminine and the Rise of Rage Might be the Same Thing

Fri, 08 Nov 2024 20:27:26 GMT

Do Not Be afraid of getting stuck in your anger. Anger Moves naturally.

After Trump's first election, my then-business partner and friend messaged me to say I seemed angry and that my anger wasn’t good for her brand. We talked about ending our partnership right then, and honestly, we should have. I wasn’t about to put a smiley-face sticker over my rage just so someone else could avoid being associated with my less than sparkly mood. A few months later, our partnership crashed aburptely, literally over night. It was public and messy. Looking back, it was a kind of glorious end.

On Tuesday, I posted a graphic with the Voter’s Rights Hotline numbers. Simple enough. But a Facebook “friend” chose that moment to do publicly what she'd been doing privately for months - shame me for being an angry woman. She accused me of harming others by harboring anger, of not purging myself of rage, and—because I refused to walk into the bright light of privilege and “spirituality”—even suggesting I might have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I don’t believe anger is a thing to purge, to silence, or to hide.

I trust my anger. I want every woman to trust her anger. Right now, I don’t trust anyone who’s willing to look the other way just to preserve their comfort or their lifestyle. And frankly, I want nothing to do with people who can ignore suffering while talking about love and light.

Anger, when it’s rooted in justice, is clarity.

It’s an honest response to the state of the world, and it’s a tool that, when wielded well, has the power to reshape that world.

So what do we do with this fire we feel? Here’s how to turn anger into a force that builds rather than burns—without letting it consume us. This isn’t about “purging” rage but using it, harnessing it, and letting it power the change we need.

Trust Your Anger.

Society loves to tell us that anger in women is “unbecoming,” unbalanced, or downright dangerous. But anger is often our most honest, clear-sighted response to injustice. It’s the part of us that refuses to look away from suffering. So honor it. Feel it fully, without guilt or shame, and let it reveal what you care about most. Trust it as a compass, because anger, when we listen, often knows exactly where it’s pointing.

Take Up Your Space.

Anger doesn’t need permission. Plant yourself firmly in every conversation, every space—both virtual and physical—where change happens. Don’t apologize for your voice, your passion, or your presence. Stand your ground without apology, and don’t shy away from taking up space with your values and beliefs. Draw boundaries to keep out those voices that aim to silence or dilute your rage for their own comfort.

Use Your Voice as a Megaphone—If You Can.

Speaking up isn’t without risk, and that risk isn’t equal for everyone. Some of us, by virtue of privilege, can speak more freely, with less fear of consequence. If you have that safety net, use it to uplift those whose voices are at greater risk, knowing that it’s a responsibility, not a choice. But in this climate, even privilege doesn’t guarantee immunity, and it’s getting harder to tell who’s truly “safe” to speak up. Be mindful, stay connected with those around you, and let anger push you to lift up those who risk much to be heard. This shared rage can turn to resilience when we act with courage, and our collective voices can be a shield for those who need it most.

Build a Network of Accountability.

Reach out to those who feel this fire with you. Create a circle of accountability where you check in, encourage each other, and share the load. Anger alone can feel isolating, but collective anger, grounded in trust and respect, is powerful. Make a pact to keep each other engaged and moving forward. Together, you can keep that fire burning in a way that transforms, rather than consumes.

Commit to Small Daily Actions.

Rage is a fire that can be overwhelming if we don’t find ways to channel it. Break it down into daily acts of change, however small. Make a call, write an email, donate, or share information that moves the conversation forward. These small, focused actions give your anger a purpose and prevent it from becoming stagnant or turning inward.

Channel Your Energy into Physical Action.

Anger is not just an emotion; it lives in the body, so let it move through you. Run, hike, dance, lift weights—do something to feel that fire in a way that builds your strength. Use it as a reminder of what you’re capable of, especially when you harness that energy to propel you forward. This way, you’re not just carrying anger; you’re turning it into resilience.

Arm Yourself with Knowledge.

The world will try to dismiss anger as irrational, especially when it comes from women. But informed anger is a fortress. Study, learn, understand. Arm yourself with the facts, the histories, the injustices that fuel your anger. Anger that’s rooted in truth is unassailable and becomes a wellspring of clarity and purpose that no one can discredit.

Remember the Why.

Anger without purpose can hollow you out. Anchor yourself in why you’re angry. Is it for your family? Your community? For future generations who need this world to be better? Keep that reason close, as it’s not a decoration—it’s your fire. It’s what gives your anger depth and direction, grounding it in love and purpose.

Anger, when wielded thoughtfully, is a powerful, unrelenting force that can light the way to change. Let it move you forward, not consume you. Don’t let anyone tell you that anger is “too much” or “unbecoming.” The world doesn’t change without anger or the raw honesty that rage brings. So trust it. Shape it, sharpen it, and wield it like the powerful tool it is.

If you need to talk, I want to be there for you.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Political PTSD is Real and We are Experiencing It

Wed, 23 Oct 2024 17:39:53 GMT

It's ok to admit we aren't doing well.

There’s a collective silence happening right now. A heavy, suffocating silence, and if you listen closely enough, you can almost hear it. It’s the sound of women—of people everywhere—holding their breath, pretending they’re okay, when they’re barely hanging on.

Let’s stop pretending.

The truth is, for many of us, Trump’s election in 2016 wasn’t just a political moment—it was a trauma. A deep, searing wound that ripped through our sense of safety, our sense of what’s possible, and left us questioning everything. For millions of people, especially women, life hasn’t felt the same since. It’s as if something fundamentally shifted that night, and we’ve never really found our footing again.

Political trauma is real. It’s the kind of trauma that changes you, that alters the way you see yourself, your country, your neighbors. And for so many of us, Trump’s election was the moment we realized that the ground beneath us wasn’t as solid as we thought. It was the moment we realized that the world we thought we knew, the world we believed in, wasn’t the same one our neighbors were living in.

Suddenly, we were looking around and seeing people—sometimes even the people closest to us—making choices, standing behind ideas, and upholding values that felt like a direct threat to our existence. Trump’s presidency didn’t just divide us politically. It ripped open the fabric of our lives, and for many of us, the world has felt irreversibly unsafe ever since.

It Changed the Way We See Our Neighbors

For women, for people of color, for LGBTQ+ communities, for immigrants—the stakes were always higher. The election of a man who thrived on division, on cruelty, and on the denigration of anyone who didn’t look like him or believe what he believed, felt like a declaration of war on our very identities. It wasn’t just a president we were watching take office. It was an entire belief system that said: You don’t matter. You are less than. You are other.

And that’s the trauma so many people are still carrying, quietly, under the surface.

It’s not just the policy changes, or the rollbacks of rights, or the relentless attack on our bodies and autonomy that have left scars. It’s the realization that millions of people stood behind it, cheered for it, voted for it. People we know. People we grew up with. People we thought we could trust.

For Many, Life Has Never Felt Safe Again

There’s something soul-crushing about realizing that the world you live in, the community you’re part of, doesn’t have your back. That realization shifted something fundamental in a lot of us, especially women, especially the marginalized. We’ve been on edge ever since, navigating a world that feels more hostile, more unsafe, more dangerous than it did before.

The trauma of Trump’s election wasn’t just about the man himself—it was about what he represented. It was about the fear and the hatred that surged to the surface and felt like it would swallow us whole. It was about the violation of trust—trust in our country, trust in our leaders, trust in our neighbors.

Political PTSD Will Define Generations of Women

This is more than a passing moment of anxiety. For many women, Trump’s election and everything that followed has led to a kind of political PTSD—a chronic, simmering trauma that has left us hypervigilant, always on edge, waiting for the next blow. And this trauma isn’t isolated to one generation. It will define three, maybe even four, entire generations of women.

Women who grew up believing in progress, who believed we were moving toward equality, are now raising daughters and granddaughters in a world where those same rights are under attack. It’s a collective wound that stretches across generations, a sense of betrayal that we all feel on some level. The fear, the anger, the anxiety—it’s all being passed down. And while some may want to pretend it’s just politics, for many of us, it’s our lived reality. It’s changed who we are, how we move through the world, and how we see the future.

For Many, Life Has Never Felt Safe Since

There’s a lingering sense of unease. A feeling that the world isn’t as safe as it once seemed. This isn’t just about the rollback of rights or the constant assault on our bodies and identities—it’s about the collective experience of having watched the world around us change in ways we never imagined. For many of us, the trauma of Trump’s election lives deep in our bones. It colors our decisions, our relationships, our sense of belonging. It changes the way we engage with people, with politics, with ourselves.

We’ve been living with this weight for years now, and with another election looming, it’s hard to ignore the fear rising again. People are triggered in ways they don’t want to admit, quietly unraveling while pretending to hold it all together. For many, the fear isn’t just about what happens next—it’s about feeling like they never fully recovered from what happened last time. They’ve been carrying the weight of this trauma for four long years, and the load is heavy.

Political Trauma Changes Us

Here’s the thing about trauma: it doesn’t just change what you feel—it changes who you are. It shifts your sense of self, your sense of what’s safe, what’s possible, and what you can trust. Trump’s election didn’t just change policies. It changed us. It changed the way we walk through the world, the way we interact with people, the way we see our own futures.

For many people, the election of 2016 was the beginning of a slow unraveling—a deep, personal reckoning with the fact that the world is not what we thought it was. And the worst part is, we were told to "get over it," to stop overreacting, to accept it as just another election. But it wasn’t. It was never just another election. It was a massive cultural shift, and we’ve never been the same since.

Right now, with another election on the horizon, people are holding their breath again, hoping for something better but bracing for more pain. The trauma of 2016 is still with us, and for many, it feels like we’re hanging on by a thread.

It’s Time to Acknowledge the Trauma

We need to stop pretending we’re fine. We’re not fine. And that’s okay to admit. Political trauma is real, and it’s time we start treating it as such. The fear, the anxiety, the deep sense of unease—it’s all valid. We’ve been living with it for years now, and we’re still trying to heal from it.

If you feel like you’re unraveling right now, know this: you’re not alone. So many people are quietly holding their breath, waiting for the next blow, hoping they’ll have the strength to keep going.

But here's the truth: you are stronger than you think. And together, we can weather whatever comes next. The trauma of Trump’s election changed us, but it didn’t break us.

We’re still here. And we’re still fighting.

You Were Summoned Out of the Earth Like a Sacred Magic Ritual

Wed, 23 Oct 2024 02:05:34 GMT

You were Never meant to be small

You were never meant to be small, quiet, or contained. You were summoned—called forth from the earth like a magic spell, your bones formed from stardust and soil, your breath intertwined with ancient winds. Your birth was not just an entry; it was a ritual, a sacred event where the universe conspired to bring your specific energy, your unique essence, into existence.

From the moment you emerged, wild and wailing, you’ve carried a force within you so potent that it defies the limits of this world. And the wilder you become, the more untamed, the more feral, the stronger that power grows. Your work, the real task of your life, isn’t to fit yourself into the mold that society has prepared for you. It’s to break free, to remember the untamed force of nature that you truly are.

You Were Never Meant to Be Tamed

The world will try to tell you to quiet down, to soften your edges, to make yourself palatable. It will try to convince you that your power lies in being controlled, in being appropriate, in following the rules. But that’s a lie—a lie designed to keep you small, to keep you disconnected from the primal energy that pulses through your blood.

Your power isn’t found in conformity. It doesn’t thrive in a domesticated life. It grows wild, like vines through a forgotten forest, like storms on the horizon. The more you strip away the layers of conditioning, the layers of “should” and “must,” the closer you come to your true self. Rewilding yourself—returning to your most natural, instinctive state—is the key. It’s not about finding something new; it’s about remembering what’s always been there.

Your Purpose Is to Heal—But You Are the Source

As a woman, your purpose is deeply intertwined with healing, but not in the way you might think. You weren’t placed on this earth to be the healer for everyone else, exhausting yourself in the service of others. Your true work is to become the source of healing, to understand that you are the key. A master knows this. A master understands that they themselves are the medicine. Not through some external act of saving others, but by standing fully in their own power, in their own untamed brilliance.

When you allow yourself to be fully you—to stop fighting the currents of your soul and surrender to the wildness within—you become the source of your own healing, and others are drawn to you. Not because you are here to fix them, but because your energy reminds them of their own untapped power. The more you become yourself, the more you heal—not just yourself, but those who find themselves in your orbit.

Your Work Is to Re-wild

This is your work: to become more yourself, more untamed, more feral. To strip away the chains of appropriateness, to break free from the cages that have been built around you, and to rewild yourself in the deepest sense of the word. This isn’t about abandoning civilization, but about remembering that your truest power doesn’t lie in following the rules—it lies in your raw, unfiltered energy.

The more you allow yourself to be wild, to be untamed, the more you tap into the source of healing that flows through you. It’s in the fierceness of your truth, the wildness of your heart, and the fire in your soul that your true power lies. And when you stand in that power, when you fully embrace the wild force of who you are, you offer the world something it cannot ignore.

You weren’t called into this world to be small. You were called to be wild, to be free, to be a force of nature that cannot be contained. And your healing power, your presence, is more potent than you know. It’s time to remember who you are. It’s time to rewild yourself, to stand in your brilliance, and to understand that the greatest source of healing is within you.

P.S.

If you are looking for a coach to walk right beside you on the journey to this kind of freedom, shoot me a message.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

So You Really Fucked Up and You Want to Hate Yourself for It—Now What?

Fri, 11 Oct 2024 18:37:57 GMT

It's Gonna be Okay. I promise.

So, you really fucked it up, and it can't be undone. You made a mistake that cuts deep, maybe left scars, maybe harmed someone, maybe even left things broken in a way that will not be fixed.

It was the kind of mistake that shakes the ground beneath you and makes you question everything—especially yourself.

You are fondling your self-loathing.

You are drowning in regret.

You are standing in the aftermath, wondering who could ever trust you again or how you could ever trust yourself again.

It's easy to feel like you can't, as if every choice from here on out is a risk, like you've lost the right to trust your own instincts or maybe even your integrity.

But here's where you need to take a hard pause: that fear, that self-doubt will keep you caged.

The fear of messing up again keeps you trapped in the smallness of perpetual appropriateness, where every move is calculated, every step carefully measured, because God forbid you make another mistake - and by the way, you will - it is as certain as the sun will come up tomorrow that you will indeed live to fuck it all up again another day.

But for real, staying in that small safe space where you want to hide forever, living inside the fear of another misstep, is a slow death. It suffocates the very parts of you that are meant to expand, meant to push boundaries, meant to be messy, and wild, and free.

Mistakes happen. Some cut deeper than others, some leave a wreckage, but they are not the final word. The real damage comes not from the mistake itself, but from the way you let it define you, from the way you shrink into yourself, afraid to move, afraid to trust again.

If you need to apologize - do it with sincerity.

If you need to make amends - do it with intentionality.

If you need to make reparations - do it generously.

Stepping up to what you did wrong with dignity and grace might crack the door to wholeness again - it might not - but if it needs doing, do it without expectation. It is the first step on the path to trusting yourself as you exit the carnage.

Trust doesn't come from never making mistakes. Trust is born in the wreckage. It's built in the moments when you've made the mess and decide to stand back up, anyway. It's born when you realize that even in the midst of your greatest mistakes, you are still human. You are still capable. You are still worthy of your own belief and compassion.

There is no perfect path or risk-less move forward. Life wasn't meant to be lived carefully, coloring inside the lines of what's "appropriate." It's full of choices that sometimes work and sometimes fucking do not.

But that's where the magic is. That's where the growth is. And if you refuse to step into the mess again, you refuse your own expansion.

The version of you that made that mistake? She's still worthy of trust. She's still deserving of your belief in her. She's still evolving. You don't have to get it all right to be someone you trust. You don't have to be perfect to take bold, courageous steps. The mess doesn't disqualify you—it qualifies you.

So, here you are. You really fucked it up. You can't undo it. But you're still here. You are not broken. Your mistakes don't define you. Life is still beautiful and so are you.

_______________________________________________________________

Are you ready to reclaim trust in your big, bold, beautiful self? DM me. Let’s talk about it.

You can find me at www.lisamhayes.com or www.thecoachingguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Turning Away from Suffering Isn’t Spiritual—It’s Privileged Nonsense

Thu, 10 Oct 2024 18:35:05 GMT

Suffering is not a failure

Suffering is not a failure.

Suffering is a constant undercurrent in life, a shadow that touches us all. It arrives uninvited, sometimes like a storm, sometimes like a slow, creeping fog.

It's easy to believe the only way to survive is to harden, to turn cold, to shut down the heart in order to protect it. But there is another way - a more rebellious, radical way. A way that allows you to feel it all, to hold suffering in your hands, but never let it steal your humanity.

You see, pain doesn't break us. What breaks us is the belief that we must run from it, that to feel it fully will swallow us whole. But here's the truth: the human spirit is a vast vessel. There's room for pain, for grief, for loss—without losing yourself in the abyss. You can witness suffering, your own and the world's, without shutting down. You can feel it fully, and still remain intact.

There is no strength in numbness. The real strength is in staying soft, staying open, even when everything in you wants to build walls. It's the softness that keeps you human. To remain tender in a world that constantly asks you to harden is an act of defiance. To feel when it would be easier not to is the ultimate rebellion.

And yet, we are told not to focus on the things we don't want. We are sold the lie that the spiritual path is one of turning away, of closing our eyes to the suffering around us in the name of "higher vibration." But this so-called spirituality is nothing more than disconnection in disguise.

Spirituality that teaches you to look away from the world's pain is no spirituality at all—it is privilege wrapped in false light. It is a product of white supremacy culture, a culture that can afford to turn its gaze away from suffering because it is protected by the walls of privilege. To "not focus on what you don't want" is not enlightenment—it's a luxury many do not have.

Real spirituality is rooted in your humanity. It is the willingness to stay present, to feel the full spectrum of human emotion, and to engage with the world's pain instead of turning away from it. True spirituality doesn't ask you to bypass suffering—it asks you to hold it, to honor it, and to remain whole in the face of it.

The "look away" strategy doesn't elevate your soul; it dulls it. It numbs the senses of your spirit, closing your heart to the very thing that makes you human—your capacity for compassion, empathy, and connection.

We are taught to fear the depths of our emotions—as if we'll drown in them. But the truth is, feelings are like waves: they rise, they crash, and they fall away. It's not the feeling that will undo you, it's the refusal to let yourself feel.

Grief will not break you. Rage will not consume you. Fear will not undo the essence of who you are, unless you refuse to let them pass through.

Emotions are energy in motion—meant to move, to be felt, and then to leave. They don't define you, they don't own you. Let them come. Let them go. Embracing this truth liberates you from the fear of your own emotions.

And then there's the temptation to turn away. To close your eyes, to shut down in the face of so much pain—yours, others', the world's. But that too is a kind of death. When you shut down, you cut yourself off from the world, from connection, from your own aliveness.

The walls you build to keep out the pain will keep out the beauty, too. The same heart that feels grief is the heart that feels joy. The same spirit that holds sorrow is the spirit that holds love. To stay open in the face of suffering is to remember this: you are vast enough to hold both. You don't have to choose.

Yes, there is suffering in the world. Yes, there is grief and devastation, and it feels unbearable at times. But do not let that close you. Do not let it harden your heart. You can witness it. You can feel it. You can cry for it, scream for it, break open for it—but don't let it steal your humanity. That's what the world needs most—your humanity, your empathy, your willingness to stay soft when everything around you asks you to shut down.

Suffering is not something to run from. It is not something to numb. It is not something to fix. It is something to witness, something to hold, something to survive without losing the core of who you are. Let yourself feel, let yourself stay open, because when the storm passes—and it will pass—you will still be standing.

In a world that teaches you to shut down, to harden, to run away from your pain, staying open is the bravest thing you can do. It is in the openness, in the willingness to feel deeply and fully, that you remain whole.

It is in the softness that you stay human. Do not be afraid of your tenderness. Do not be afraid of the pain. Do not feel shame in your anger. You are vast enough to hold it, and still stay standing.

I want to talk about the pain that keeps you awake at night—the suffering that you feel in your bones, whether it’s your own or the weight of the world around you. I want to unpack the grief, the anger, the heaviness that’s dimmed your shine and help you find a way to stay open, to stay human, without shutting down.

I’m not here to fix you because I don’t think you’re broken. I’m here to help you find your way through the suffering, to feel it fully and come out on the other side still in love with yourself and your life. No mood shaming, no gaslighting—just real, transformative coaching from someone who’s been through it and knows what it’s like.

Ready to stay soft, stay human, and find your strength in the process? DM me or you can find me online at www.lisamhayes.com Let’s talk about it.

You can also find me at www.thecoachingguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

You’re Not Just Seeking Approval—You’re Addicted to Dopamine, and you're finding it in all the wrong places.

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 09 Oct 2024 17:59:18 GMT

ADDICTION ALWAYS DRIVES BEHAVIOR

We’re all wired to chase that next hit of dopamine—that chemical rush that makes us feel good, feel seen, feel worthy. But here’s the thing no one really talks about validation seeking, that constant need for approval from others, is just another form of dopamine addiction. It’s a quick fix. Whenever someone likes your post, compliments you, or praises your work, it’s a little hit. But like any addiction, it’s fleeting. And when it fades, we’re left craving more.

Validation seeking isn’t just about wanting approval—it’s about your brain chasing that next dopamine hit. It’s a survival mechanism, sure, but it’s dangerous when we let our sense of worth get tied up in it. The moment we start looking for dopamine from other people’s opinions, we’re handing over the reins to our mental health.

Why is this so dangerous?

When you seek validation from the outside, you’re living in a constant state of uncertainty. Your self-worth becomes a moving target, depending on how others respond to you. One minute, you feel on top of the world; the next, a casual comment or lack of likes sends you spiraling. That rollercoaster takes a serious toll on your mental health. It creates anxiety, fosters self-doubt, and leaves you in a state of emotional vulnerability, where your mood can be dictated by someone else’s approval (or lack of it).

What’s even worse? The more validation you seek, the more you need it. It becomes a cycle—dopamine hit after dopamine hit until your brain is so hooked that it stops producing that feel-good chemical unless you’re getting outside approval. You end up outsourcing your happiness, depending on others for a sense of worth you should be giving yourself.

But here’s the truth: That validation, that high you’re chasing, it’s hollow. It’s a dopamine spike that leaves you drained when it wears off. And if you’re not careful, you’ll keep feeding the addiction until you’re completely disconnected from your own internal validation.

Breaking the Cycle: Healthier Ways to Get Your Dopamine Hits

So how do you break free from the dopamine-seeking behavior that comes with validation addiction? You learn how to get those same dopamine hits from healthier sources—ones that don’t rely on the fleeting opinions of others. Because the truth is, you don’t need anyone else to give you that rush of joy, motivation, or worthiness.

Here’s how:

1. Movement & Exercise

There’s a reason people talk about the “runner’s high.” Movement triggers the release of dopamine in your brain, and unlike external validation, it’s a self-sustained hit. Whether it’s yoga, running, dancing, or a quick walk, moving your body sends those feel-good chemicals into overdrive. And the best part? You don’t need anyone else to give it to you.

2. Create

Dopamine is the chemical of reward. When you create something—whether it’s writing, painting, cooking, or working on a project—you get a natural boost from completing a task or indulging in your creative flow. You’re building something from within, and that sense of accomplishment is a powerful source of internal validation.

3. Meditation & Mindfulness

You might not think of meditation as a dopamine boost, but mindfulness can actually trigger that same release by calming your mind and creating mental clarity. Instead of looking outward for validation, mindfulness helps you reconnect with your own worth. The more present you are in the moment, the more your brain learns to produce dopamine without needing external stimuli.

4. Meaningful Connection (Not Surface-Level Validation)

We’re social creatures, and while validation can make us feel connected, it’s superficial. Real connection—deep conversations, sharing your truth with someone who sees you fully—offers a much more sustainable dopamine hit. Find the people who lift you up without needing you to perform for them. Connection nourishes your soul, not your ego.

5. Setting & Achieving Personal Goals

Nothing feels quite as good as crossing something off your list that’s meaningful to you. Set personal goals, big or small, that matter to you—not ones based on how others will perceive you. Whether it’s a fitness milestone, a creative project, or something as simple as organizing your space, setting and achieving your own goals gives you the dopamine boost that reminds you that you’re capable, worthy, and powerful.

Reclaim Your Dopamine—Reclaim Your Worth

Here’s the thing: dopamine isn’t the enemy. It’s just that we’ve learned to get it from the wrong places. Validation seeking is dangerous because it takes you further away from your own sense of self, but you have the power to reclaim it.

When you start sourcing your dopamine from places that build you up from the inside, you stop needing the world’s approval. You become self-sustaining. You learn to love the highs that come from your own achievements, your own creativity, your own joy.

Because your worth was never meant to be outsourced. It’s time to take back the reins. Rewire your brain for dopamine that doesn’t rely on someone else’s validation, and watch your mental health shift into a place of stability and strength.

Tired of chasing the approval of others to feel good about yourself? It’s time to break free from the validation trap. I want to talk with you about the things that keep you stuck—the patterns that hold you in this cycle of needing approval, of chasing that next hit, and never quite feeling enough. Together, we’ll unpack the fears, dreams, and insecurities that keep you hooked on external validation and find your way back to your own power.

I’m not here to fix you, because I don’t think you’re broken—I’m here to help you fall in love with yourself and your life again. No mood shaming, no gaslighting, just real, transformative coaching from someone with three decades of experience.

Ready to stop seeking validation and start finding your own worth? DM me, and let’s talk about it.

You can also find me at www.thecoachingguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

If you want to have more peace and energy in your life, learn to validate your own damn self.

Tue, 08 Oct 2024 17:59:05 GMT

Cultivating Your Own Validation: Reclaiming the Power That Was Always Yours

There’s a truth we’ve been hiding from ourselves for far too long. We’ve been taught—conditioned, really—to seek approval from everyone but ourselves. From the time we were little girls, we learned to look outside for validation, to measure our worth by the way the world reacts to us. We learned to make ourselves small or shiny, depending on what kept us safe and accepted.

But here’s the thing: validation from others is a cheap substitute for the real thing. It’s fleeting, unreliable, and dependent on forces outside of your control. You will always be emotionally vulnerable when you are using external validation as a dopamine source.

The world has its own agenda for you, and if you keep chasing its approval, you will spend your life running in circles, always a few steps away from feeling whole.

The truth is, no one can validate you but you. And that’s where your power lies. Cultivating your own validation is not just an act of self-love—it’s an act of rebellion. It’s about reclaiming what has always been yours: the right to see yourself, to know yourself, and to honor yourself without needing anyone else’s permission.

Why is this so important?

1. The world will always have opinions, but they are not truths.
We live in a world that will always have something to say about who you are, what you do, and how you live. The praise will come one minute and disappear the next. The criticism will show up when you least expect it, and it’ll try to take root in your soul. But here’s the hard truth: what they say is not truth. Their opinions are reflections of their own stories, their own wounds, and their own insecurities. If you live for their approval, you live on shifting ground. But when you validate yourself, you build a foundation that no one can tear down.

2. You’re the only one who knows your whole story.
No one else has walked in your shoes. No one has lived through your battles, your triumphs, or your silent moments of heartbreak. They see fragments of you and think they know the whole picture, but they don’t. You’re the only one who knows the fullness of who you are. You’re the only one who can look at your reflection and say, “I am enough,” because you know what you’ve survived, how far you’ve come, and what you stand for.

3. Seeking external validation keeps you trapped.
The second you start relying on the approval of others, you hand over your power. You become a performer, dancing to the tune of what others expect, hoping for that next hit of praise. It’s addictive. But the problem is, their approval is a moving target. What they love you for today, they might hate you for tomorrow. You can’t keep up. And while you’re running, you’re losing touch with your own truth. Cultivating your own validation breaks those chains. It frees you from needing anything from anyone outside of yourself.

4. Self-validation is the foundation of radical self-acceptance.
Here’s the reality: the world is not always kind to women who love themselves. We’ve been taught that our worth lies in what we do for others, in how desirable, how useful, how pleasing we are. But validating yourself is a feminist act. It’s an act of radical self-acceptance that says, “I don’t need to be anything other than who I am.” When you validate yourself, you stop performing. You stop apologizing. You start living fully and unapologetically in your own skin.

5. It’s how you stop waiting and start living.
We spend so much time waiting for someone else to tell us we’re good enough, smart enough, worthy enough. We wait for the world to hand us permission to be who we already are. But when you validate yourself, the waiting game is over. You stop seeking outside approval, and you start stepping fully into the life you want. You start living for you.

Cultivating your own validation means reclaiming the power you were always meant to have. It means looking in the mirror and knowing, without a doubt, that you are enough, regardless of what the world says. You get to be the author of your own worth. You get to decide that you are worthy of love, respect, and joy—not because someone else said so, but because you did.

The world will keep spinning, opinions will keep flying, and people will keep projecting their insecurities onto you. But when you’re grounded in your own validation, none of that can touch you. You become untouchable, unshakable. You become you, fully and unapologetically, without waiting for anyone else to approve.

And that’s the kind of freedom they don’t want you to find. But it’s yours for the taking.

Sometimes, getting that freedom is a lot easier with some support, and I am very good at holding bold and brilliant women as they explore a path to sovereignty.

I want to dive into the thoughts that keep you up at night—the dreams you’re afraid to chase, the fears that whisper in the dark. Let’s talk about the woman you were before life dimmed your shine, and how we can bring her back to life. I’m not here to fix you, because you’re not broken. I’m here to help you remember your power, fall in love with yourself, and create a life that feels like yours again.

If you'd like to explore coaching, this is a good place to start: www.lisamhayes.com .
You can also check out www.thecoachingguild.com if you're interested in training to become a coach and want to do it on your own terms.

You Are Not the Lead in Anyone Else's Story

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 19 Sep 2024 18:35:12 GMT

and that means you are free.

Here’s the deal— They aren't really thinking about you near as much as you think they are.

Without some really honest introspection, it can get slippery really quickly. Chasing validation AND trying to avoid being disliked like your life depends on it can become a full-time job in the shadows of your brain. That’s your ego nudging you, making you feel like you need to be seen, adored, or recognized to feel worthy.

But here’s a hard truth: people really aren’t thinking about you as much as you think. They’re caught up wrestling with their own insecurities, battling their own struggles, and chasing after their own validation, just like you.

When you rely on their praise, you’re stepping into an illusion. Your ego makes you feel like you’re the center of their universe as if their opinions shape who you are.

But here’s the catch: you’re not the lead in their story. Their fleeting thoughts about you don’t define your reality. In fact, you’re living in a world of your own creation where you imagine the spotlight’s always on you, but truthfully, you’re not even on the stage.

The reality is, most people don’t care nearly as much as you think. Their praise? Sure, it feels good, but in the grand scheme of your soul’s journey, it’s just background noise. Their criticism? It’s nothing more than a passing breeze. Neither has any real power over you—unless you hand it to them on a silver platter.

And yet, we give it away so easily, don’t we? We cling to their praise like it’s a lifeline, letting it mold us into who we think we should be. We run from their criticism, bending ourselves into knots just to avoid rocking the boat, hiding pieces of who we truly are.

But every time you do that, you shrink. You lose the sharp edges of who you are. You turn into a mirror reflecting what you think others want to see, instead of standing strong in your own truth.

Reclaiming Your Power: Disconnect from the Noise

Real freedom comes when you stop caring about what others think. The moment you stop chasing their approval and running from their criticism, you’ll step into the most authentic version of yourself. You become untouchable.

Here’s how to take that power back:

Stop chasing validation. Sure, praise feels great for a moment, but it’s like sugar—sweet but short-lived. The more you chase it, the more it controls you. Remember, your worth isn’t tied to anyone else’s words. You’re not here to collect compliments like gold stars. Let the nice words come and go, but don’t let them shape you.

Detach from criticism. People will always have something to say, and sometimes it won’t be kind. So what? You can’t control their opinions, and honestly, it’s not your job to. The only opinion that truly matters is your own. If you’re living in your truth, their judgments are irrelevant. Their negativity reflects their issues, not yours.

Realize how little they think of you. Not in a harsh way—this is actually freeing. Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to spend much time thinking about yours. They’re focused on their own worries, their own insecurities. You’re not the center of their universe, and that’s a relief. You can finally stop performing for an audience that isn’t even watching.

Break the comparison cycle. Measuring yourself against others or craving their approval keeps you in a constant state of lack. You’re always looking outside for something that’s already within you. You don’t need their validation because you’ve got your own. Stop comparing your life to theirs—you’re on your own path, and it’s unique.

Cultivate your own validation. Turn inward. The most powerful thing you can do is give yourself the validation you’ve been seeking from others. When you know who you are and live that truth unapologetically, no one else’s opinion can shake you. You become grounded, unshakable. You stop looking for approval outside because you’ve already found it within.

Embrace radical self-acceptance. This is the core of it all. Radical self-acceptance means you stop performing, stop pretending, and stop hiding. You accept yourself—imperfections, quirks, messiness, and all. You’re not here to be perfect. You’re here to be real. And the moment you let go of chasing perfection or anyone else’s approval, that’s when you’ll truly start living.

You don’t need to perform anymore. You don’t need their applause. What you need is to break free from their opinions and live boldly, unapologetically, in the truth of who you are.

Their praise won’t save you. Their criticism can’t hurt you. None of it defines your worth. The only thing that matters is how you see yourself when the noise quiets down, and all that’s left is your own truth.

If you are looking for support in digging your way out from under the expectations of everyone around you, hit me up.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Stop Fighting the Storm

Thu, 12 Sep 2024 19:26:58 GMT

Peace is not the absence of chaos

We all suffer - and despite an infinite variety of causes for pain in the human experience, we all suffer for ONE simple reason: we argue with reality.

We go through life trying to fight against what's happening, as if we are failing if we can't somehow bend it to our will, as if we should be able to hold back the tides of life and win. However, the truth is not sexy: peace isn't found in resistance. You won't find freedom by constantly fighting the now. Life will life, and at best, sometimes we can dance with it, but thinking we can lead all the time causes a lot of pain.

Chaos isn't your enemy. Pain, discomfort, loss—they're not out to get you either. What really keeps you stuck, what causes so much suffering, is this war you wage against them. We've been taught to believe that peace only exists when everything is calm, that happiness is always just out of reach, waiting somewhere beyond this moment. But peace isn't what happens when life is perfect. It's not something you "achieve" when you finally figure it all out. You might never figure it out because the beauty of life is the game is always shifting like sand under your feet in a windstorm.

True peace happens when you stop the fight. When you stop resisting reality. The storm won't stop raging just because you want it to. And the more you brace against it, the more it breaks you. Real peace comes from understanding that chaos, heartbreak, and uncertainty are all part of the dance that is life.

Arguing with what is robs you of the chance to truly live. You can spend your time fighting reality, trying to control what's beyond your reach, or you can open yourself up to all of it—every messy, chaotic, beautiful moment.

That doesn't mean you have to love the pain or celebrate the loss. It means you realize that suffering comes from expecting life to be anything other than what it is. The moment you stop needing things to be different, the moment you stop trying to strike deals with life—that's when peace shows up. Not because chaos disappears but because you've learned not just to tolerate it but to embrace it.

Peace isn't something you find in the calm after the storm. It's not waiting for you once the battle is over. Peace is right here, in the middle of the chaos, in the heart of the storm, where everything is swirling, yet you're still. Not because the world quieted down, but because you chose to stop fighting it.

If you are looking for coaching that can help you fall madly in love with the life you have right now, hit me up.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

The Mystery, the Mess, and the Beauty

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 11 Sep 2024 17:16:27 GMT

Thinking you can tame your life is a control fetish

Life isn't something you're supposed to figure out. It's not some puzzle to crack, a maze with an exit sign, or a problem waiting to be fixed. Life is chaotic and free, a symphony of contradictions that aren't meant to be neatly explained. Every sunrise, every beat of your heart, every breath you take reminds you that we're part of something far greater than what we let ourselves understand.

We love convincing ourselves that we've got it all under control, know what's next, and steering the ship.

But here's the truth: life doesn't care about your plans. It's wild, unpredictable, and absolutely breathtaking because of it.

The beauty of life is in how it refuses to be predicted. Like the tide coming in, no matter how much you wish it would stay out. It's like love creeping in when you've sworn it off. Or the way loss leaves empty spaces inside you, only to make room for something even more profound than you thought possible. You can't put life in a box or give it a label—and that's exactly the point.

Stop trying to tame it. Stop trying to force life's wild magic into little compartments with tidy explanations. The joy, sorrow, uncertainty, and triumph are all part of the same ride. You were built for this. You were made to move with the chaos, to find beauty in the mess, to embrace the cracks and imperfections.

Life is a beautiful mystery. It'll break your heart and put it back together, sometimes all at once. It'll take your breath away just when you thought you had no more awe left to give. Every twist, every turn, every tear, every laugh—they're all threads in the wild, untamed tapestry of existence. You don't need to understand it. You just need to live it.

The real magic, the kind that ignites your soul, doesn't come from knowing. It comes from letting go—from trusting that even in the madness, there's a rhythm to it, even if you can't hear it just yet. It's in the surrender, in embracing all the ways life defies logic. When you stop holding on to certainty and start leaning into the unknown, that's when life begins to feel like the miracle it is.

So, stand in awe of all of it. The mystery, the mess, the beauty—it's all here, laid out for you. Life's too short to spend it fighting against what you don't understand. Let it blow your mind over and over, until all that's left of you is gratitude wrapped in skin.

If you are looking for a coach who can help you fall in love with your self and your life with the kind of depth you've never had before, hit me up.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Radical Body Sovereignty: The Ultimate Act of Defiance in a World of Conformity

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 10 Sep 2024 17:53:42 GMT

Sovereignty Over Conformity

In a world obsessed with perfection, where every billboard and algorithm pushes you toward an unattainable ideal, the most radical act you can take is to love the skin you’re in. It’s about more than just liking what you see in the mirror—it’s about inhabiting your body, your life, with presence and compassion. When we live disconnected from ourselves, it’s easy to buy into the societal belief that we’re broken, flawed, or not enough. This belief is convenient for a system that thrives on our insecurities, constantly pushing us to purchase quick fixes, whether they be in the form of products, services, or lifestyles that promise to "complete" us.

But here's the truth: learning to love living in your own skin, reclaiming the power to exist fully and unapologetically in your body, is the quickest route to sovereignty. It’s not the kind of sovereignty found through conformity or performing the version of yourself society wants you to be. It’s the liberation of knowing that your worth was never up for sale, to begin with.

When you stop buying into the lie that there’s something inherently wrong with you, you stop giving away pieces of your soul to the industries built to profit off your doubt. Inhabit your body and your life, not from a place of judgment but from a space of deep, transformative compassion. Because when you choose to live from a place of presence, love, and acceptance, you become unshakable in a world that would prefer you to stay lost in the chase for something you'll never need.

Stop hiding those parts of yourself that don't fit the mold. Lean into your quirks and even your scars. Wear them like badges of honor because that's where your magic is. What makes you different is what makes you beautiful.

The world teaches us to smooth out our edges, to fit in—but the real power lies in those jagged, imperfect pieces. The ones that make people look twice, sometimes in confusion, sometimes in awe. Own all of it. That's what makes you untouchable.

Make sure you take up space—in every way. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Stretch yourself out wide, in a world that constantly tells you to shrink. Breathe deep and expand into every room, every conversation, every moment. Never make yourself smaller or quieter or any version of less to make someone else feel comfortable. You weren't made to be small. You're a force, and the world should feel that.

Stop apologizing for being here. You do not need to be sorry, so stop acting like you are. Apologizing for needing something or for taking up space—it's a habit that serves no one. You're allowed to ask for things, to speak up, to make your presence known. You don't need anyone's permission, and you sure don't need to apologize for existing. Be loud about it. Be visible. Do it in bold, living color.

Wear whatever feels like freedom to you. Forget the trends. Whether it's sequins, sweatpants, or absolutely nothing, wear what makes you feel powerful. Fashion isn't meant to box you in—it's a tool to express who you are. Fashion is art, and your body is a canvas. Dress in a way that makes you feel alive and reminds you of your strength or your soft vulnerability. The right outfit is your armor, so make it yours.

Speak your truth, and don't water it down for anyone else. Say what you mean, and let your voice be heard. The world will try to get you to soften, to be quieter, but your truth deserves to be said, raw and real. Speaking up isn't about gaining approval, it's about staying true to yourself. Let your words cut through the noise.

Stop performing for others. You don't owe anyone a version of yourself that makes them comfortable. Drop the act and start living authentically. Stop twisting and bending to fit into boxes that were never meant for you. The world doesn't need a performance; it needs you—real, raw, unapologetic. The second you stop performing is the moment you truly begin to live.

Set boundaries without apology. Your peace is sacred, and protecting it is an act of self-respect. Saying no is powerful. Boundaries aren't just walls—they're declarations of your worth. You're not here to be everything to everyone. Your energy is finite. Spend your energy like your most precious resource because it is. Boundaries make every space, including your body feel safer.

Feel every emotion fully. You're not "too much." Let yourself be messy, wild, and human. Cry, scream, laugh—feel everything deeply, unapologetically. Your emotions aren't a weakness; they're your fuel. They make you alive, they make you real. So let the world feel the full force of your emotions, because that's where your truth lives.

Love the body you're in. It's not just a vessel; it's a masterpiece, carrying you through life's journey. Treat her well, without trying to change a thing. Society will try to sell you on the idea that your body needs fixing, but that's a lie. Your body is already art.

If you'd like to love your body and your life a little or a lot more, I'd love to help you get there. I want to chat about the things you obsess over when you lie awake at night. I want to unpack your dreams and your nightmares. I want to talk about who you were before all that shit dimmed your shine and how to get her back.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

You're Not Lazy

Fri, 06 Sep 2024 17:21:49 GMT

Take Care of yourself

You're not lazy. You're probably thirsty.

Drink some water

Make some tea.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably overwhelmed.

Take a fucking break.

Put the phone down - the email can wait.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably just tired.

Take a nap.

Drink the chamomile tea and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably sun-deprived.

Go outside.

Touch grass - do it every day.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably hungry.

Have a snack-maybe more than one.

Eat when your body asks for food.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably fed-up.

Set some strong boundaries.

Stop giving so many fucks about too many things.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably overcommitted.

Not everything is worth doing.

Just say no.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably bored.

Find something that sparks your curiosity.

Feed your mind with something new.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably disconnected.

Call a friend.

Talk to someone who lifts your spirits.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy. You're probably uninspired.

Do something creative just for fun.

Get messy with it—paint, write, dance.

Take care of yourself.

You're not lazy.

P.S.

If you want a more compassionate relationship with yourself, I can help you learn how to get there.

If you're curious about coaching, message me for an absolutely no-pressure chat about how easy it might be to start.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Why Chasing Validation is Stealing Your Happiness

Thu, 05 Sep 2024 17:52:44 GMT

Reclaiming your power and your peace today might be doable.

Imagine the energy you could reclaim if you gave up the exhausting need to be right and the relentless craving to be liked. Both are chains, shackles you voluntarily wear. They sever you away from joy and peace. They dissolve your presence and make you a player in the drama of everyone else's ego.

The truth is that being right doesn't fill your soul, and being liked doesn't fill your heart. They are illusions. They distract from the things that have meaning in your life. They leave you wound up with energy that you can't spend in a healthy way.

What if you funneled all that wasted energy into simply enjoying this precious, beautiful, crystalline moment?

Instead of striving to win battles that don't even matter, you could pour yourself into laughter, love, and gratitude-filled living.

The freedom that comes from letting go is the doorway to a life lived fully—free from the grip of external validation. It's the sweet release of embracing yourself as you are, without needing to justify your existence to anyone.

What if you stopped trying to control every conversation, stopped bending yourself to fit others' approval, and instead just focused on the art of living?

The world keeps spinning, regardless of whether or not we're right, and real, core-deep peace waits for you at the intersection of surrender and self-love. Let go.

Make room for joy, because life is too damn short to spend it on battles that steal your light.

P.S.

If you are looking for a coach to walk right beside you on the journey to this kind of freedom, shoot me a message.

You can also find me at www.thecoachngguild.com if you’re interested in coach training.

Ditch the Hustle

Tue, 27 Aug 2024 19:40:24 GMT

Beautify the moment instead.

I love myself some goal chasing as a sport just as much anyone - however, to be clear, goal chasing almost never gets you anything you really want.

You think you're going to be happier when you get "there". However, IF you get a bump in your happiness from reaching that big goal ( and you might not), it rarely lasts more than a few days.

You can literally chase a goal for years and finally nail it down - you get the degree, the man, the hundred-and-thirty-pound body, only to realize you're still fucking stressed and unsatisfied a week later. It happens all the time. No one wants to believe it, but it's true.

If you want to goal-chase just for the fun of having something to do, great - do it. However, thinking that pursuing and reaching goals will make you a different person is the kind of thinkiing that leads to a lot of disappointment and missed moments.

Goal chasing might make a good hobby, but doing it as a life strategy is an endless and frustrating pursuit because your brain will always move the finish line on you. Your brain will keep you on the hedonic treadmill until the day you die if you let it.

Rather than squandering all or frankly any of your resources, time, money, or energy on getting somewhere else, you might want to consider investing everything you've got in what and who you are right now - sink deeper into this beautiful moment and make peace with what is. This is where the magic is, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise.

There is no working hard enough,

pushing through it enough,

enduring enough to be happy - that thinking, while it feels important, is like ruminating on vapor.

It keeps you from inhabiting your life.

It keeps you thinking someday things will be better than they are today, and chances of that being true are marginal at best.

What if you just decided to be here now and beautify the day, week, month, and life you are having?

What if you took out the good china and used today?

What if you took care of the body you have now as if she were the body you've always wanted?

What if you took in the moments you have right now as if you knew the real secret? These moments won't last forever, and when they are gone, you will miss them as if they are everything.

What would your life look like if you quit striving and clawing for it to be different?

What would it look like to pour your energy into the present instead of squandering it on a future that keeps moving just out of reach?

Look, throw everything you've got at making today everything it can be. If you do that consistently enough, chances are the future you are stalking will unfold as hoped with a lot less effort. Investing in the now is like sorcery.

Throwing yourself at a future you're trying to create by chasing goals that make you feel not quite good enough as you are now only breeds mental and emotional unease—and eventually, dis-ease.

A beautiful now is probably the best medicine for most of what's ailing you.

Make today beautiful.

______________________________

Revolt Against Conformity: Claim Your Sacred Anarchy

Tue, 20 Aug 2024 20:14:59 GMT

Smash the Illusions

Sacred Anarchy is the ultimate act of rebellion against a world that demands your absolute conformity. It is the fiercest declaration you can make -

I will not be tamed.

I will not be molded.

I will not be taught to not be me.

I will fight systems that oppress me and oppress others.

I will not be erased because I can't be normal enough to be invisible.

I will make sovereignty and autonomy my religion.

The most radical thing you can do is love yourself in a society that profits from your self-doubt. It's a soul revolution where you are valuable not by how nicely you fit into the little boxes constructed by others but by how boldly you fully embrace everything they tell you to hate about yourself.

Embrace all the ways you are too much.

Embrace all the parts of you they tell you need changing.

Embrace your anger and your rage with the open-hearted fire that is the most powerful part of your humanness.

Sacred Anarchy is a re-wilding.

It is surrendering in an intentional practice of you being seduced by you - a disconnection from the system that wants to seduce you into purchasing a watered-down but more "appropriate" version of who you could have been.

When you live in Sacred Anarchy, you dismantle the lie of perfection and build a life that is rich, raw, and real.

You create room for your imperfections, wounds, and scars because you realize that they are the truest expression of your human experience and all of it is beautiful.

You become the author of your own story—always unafraid to write the chapters that might seem out of sync with the world around you.

Sacred Anarchy is the anthem of those who dare to love themselves in a world that would rather they didn't.

This is no soft insurrection.

It's a loud, defiant scream into the void that you will not be silenced, not minimized, not be made small.

__________________________________________________

Loving Yourself As You Are is Sacred Anarchy

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 18:28:19 GMT

Perfectionism is self-inflicted mental illness

The myth of the perfect woman is a lie, and that lie is a prison. She is a beautifully constructed cage designed to keep us invisible, compliant, and endlessly striving for an illusion. Trying to be something that, on some level, we know does not exist makes every aspect of our lives feel dysmorphic.

The monodimensional image of her is everywhere—this perfect woman. She stares back at us from glossy magazine covers, whispers to us through curated Instagram feeds, and haunts us in every advertisement and piece of advice that tells us how to be more but also less - you know the drill, live big but be smaller.

She is the woman who has it all together.

She is the one with the flawless skin,

the effortless charm,

the career that never falters,

the body that defies time, and the home that looks like a spread in a lifestyle magazine.

She is the epitome of success, grace, and beauty—we are told if we try just a little harder and spend just a little more, we can be her when everyone knows that's a joke.

At best, she is a mirage - at worst, she is a warden.

The myth of the perfect woman tells us that we must do it all and do it with a smile.

We must be thin, but not too thin;

smart, but not too smart;

successful, but not too ambitious;

sexy, but not too sexual.

We must be everything to everyone while silently ignoring our own desires and needs, leaving us hungry and aching for realness and freedom.

She is a fabrication of a society that profits from our insecurities and feeds on our endless pursuit of unattainable perfection.

This perfect woman is a vapor, even though we see her everywhere.

It's time we unmake her.

If it's not messy, it's probably not real.

If she is not flawed, she is probably an advertising campaign.

If it is not gloriously imperfect, it is probably a commoditized version who they want us to think we should be if we pay a high enough price.

The secret everyone knows is they control us and our money through our insecurities and self-loathing, and in order to ensure that control, they manufacture our insecurities by making us think we can be her when of-fucking-course, we cannot.

Let's be honest: the pursuit of perfection is exhausting. It's a never-ending cycle of self-criticism, comparison, and doubt. It keeps us spinning, spending, and always reaching for something just out of our grasp.

The walls of this prison aren't real, and we can break free together.

Stop chasing the ghosts in the machine and sink deep into your very real bones.

Radical self-acceptance is a subversive act of uprising.

Self-love is anarchy.

Lost and Seeking: How Erased Spiritual Roots Lead White Women to Appropriation

Thu, 15 Aug 2024 18:39:48 GMT

Did you know God Had a Wife?

White women, we are lost. We find ourselves clinging to spiritual practices that are not ours, trying to find meaning in spaces that only deepen the disconnection inside. We're searching to find something, anything, to fill the space that's been hollowed out over centuries of spiritual erasure.

In truth, this hollowing out began long before we were even born. They were carved by the hands of those who sought to erase our spiritual ancestral practices, to strip us of the divine feminine that once guided us, and to bind us to a patriarchal narrative that never served us.

We are lost because our spiritual roots were severed. We've been wandering ever since AND in order to move back towards wholeness, we need to acknowledge because of our disconnection, we have done a lot of harm.

Everything we believe about the spiritual heritage of pre-Christian Europe is a fiction, carefully crafted to destroy the living remnants of our culture. Our richly endowed polytheistic traditions and divine-feminine-based spiritual practices were systematically dismantled, buried, and replaced by a patriarchal narrative that served the interests of men and early Christianity.

A spiritual lineage that once flowered across Europe had been all but obliterated—and the remains of it were now nothing more than fragments and echoes of a past deliberately forgotten.

One of the most amazing examples of this erasure is the story of Ashara, the wife of Yahweh. During the first days of spiritual practice, she was taken to be an equal, if not more beloved counterpart to the God in the Old Testament. She was a strong feminine presence, highly worshipped and deeply integrated into the spiritual life of people. When Christianity began to spread, the worship of Ashara became a threat to the new patriarchal order.

Christianity, upon its ascendancy, not only effaced Ashara—it demonized her. Once a goddess of great significance, she was re-imagined as a creature of reproach, reverently referred to as a whore, her authority stripped, and her history degraded. This wasn't merely an instance of religious supremacy but a strategic move on the part of Christianity as it allied itself with patriarchy. Together, they set out to exorcise the divine feminine from spirituality and build a patriarchal order that would keep women in subjugation for ages to come - and it has worked.

It was through this systemic erasure of feminine deities such as Ashara and the creation of a monotheistic and man-centered narrative that Christianity became the greatest tool of patriarchy in history. The collaboration with patriarchy has long been used to bind and silence women, leaving a chasm in our spiritual existence—a chasm that white women today still feel but often cannot locate the source of.

Today we find ourselves lost in a spiritual sea, striving after something that will feel real and mean something. We long for something to deeply resonate within our souls, something which Christianity, in its patriarchal form, has failed to deliver. And, as a result, we many times stumble into the area of appropriation—taking from other cultures the spiritual practices and beliefs that we no longer recognize as ours.

But this act of appropriation is not just a harmless quest for meaning: it is a continuation of the very same cycles of erasure and exploitation that robbed us of our own spiritual heritage. It's not borrowing. It's theft. We are grasping what is not ours, all too often without understanding the sacred significance and depth of that which we grasp for. This perpetuates a history of colonization, wherein one culture's loss becomes another's gain, continuing the very patterns of oppression we seek to escape.

Yet it doesn't have to be this way. There are ways to authentically reconnect spiritually without it leading to appropriation. First, let's acknowledge the truth: our spiritual traditions were taken from us, quite literally erased by people who were afraid of the power of the divine feminine. Reclaim what was lost through an in-depth analysis of the past, research, and revivification of stolen spiritual practices.

It's not replicating these traditions in whole; not everything that has been broken can be entirely restored. But inspiration can be taken from what has remained.

We are free to show the divine feminine, which was so brutally made silent; we can investigate the polytheistic traditions that once celebrated the many faces of the divine and reconstruct a spirituality reflecting our values and the lives we lead today. It is an act of rebellion, a reclamation of what was stolen from us, a new forging of a spiritual path deeply rooted in our histories and traditions.

By doing so, we can stop reaching for what is not ours and start building that which reveres the past and calls forth a future in which feminine divinity will no longer be quiet. It becomes incumbent upon us to return to the spiritual strength of which we have been deprived and build a practice that is true, respectful, and resonant to us.

We heal this way. It's the way we cut that vicious cycle of appropriation and set off on a course of real spiritual reclamation: facing our past, facing what has been obscured from our spiritual roots, and setting forth to rebuild the foundation—creating a spirituality that honors the divine feminine, is sacred, and binds us back into the depth and power that was once ours.

Unapologetically You: Dismantling the Myths That Bind Us

Tue, 13 Aug 2024 17:38:22 GMT

Reclaiming Self-Love Through Radical Authenticity and Joyful Rebellion

Wouldn't it be nice if you did your makeup as a form of art and a celebration of your beautiful face instead of trying to make yourself look better, younger, or different in some way to meet traditional "beauty standards"?

Wouldn't it be nice to move your body because she is the delightful companion you love rather than to try by force to get her to look the way she did when you were nineteen?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could dress yourself every day as art for joy instead of trying to build a wardrobe focused on pleasing the male gaze, looking like you've got a lot of money, or being invisible so you can hide in the crowd?

Wouldn't it be nice to eat foods that feel like nurturing and nourishment to both you and your happy body rather than eating to literally take up less space than you do naturally?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just speak your truth with confidence and ease, not to fit in and be liked or to be perfect or appropriate?

Wouldn't it be nice to sleep and rest, not just when you need to but when you want to, without guilt or the need to justify your worth based on doing more and then doing more and then doing even more?

Wouldn't it be nice to celebrate yourself and your successes, big and small, because celebrating makes life more fun, not for external validation,

And wouldn't it be nice if you could simply exist, loving every inch of your being and every second of the fabulous life you've built without the constant need to change, conform, or apologize for who you are?

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the hit books, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan. Lisa also trains the world's best coaches at www.thecoachingguild.com .

Grief and Loss Act Like They Own You

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Fri, 09 Aug 2024 19:05:17 GMT

Grief feels like an infinite field of love unspent - love that wells up and spills over with nowhere to go. It puddles around you and before you know it, you feel like you're drowning in your love. Who knew love could feel precisely like the sharp, jagged edges of loss?

Loss is not a once-and-done kind of deal. Loss requires you to take a million steps in the direction of letting go. As the memories fade and you beg your brain not to let them disappear, it's like a tide you cannot trust. The pain ebbs and flows - mostly, it feels like flow because in the ebbs of your pain, all you can do is sleep, and the sleep doesn't feel like rest.

Grief and loss act like they own you. They push you down the halls of your memories. They shake you by the shoulders and shatter your complacency. They follow you around like a shadow, and you can't stand in a light bright enough to lose it

Loss will show you what matters. Grief will punish you for not paying attention.

Loss will make you so soft, as if you have no bones. Grief will harden you, strong enough to stand through things you thought would surely break you before the grief happened.

Loss will take your breath away. Grief will make you think you've lost your soul, at least for awhile, and that while will be longer than you want it to be.

And in case you're wondering, the journey through the underworld will never really end. That doesn't mean you'll never see the light again.

It does mean the journey through the dark will beckon you to revisit the depths over and over, and that invitation to return will be so seductive that you will go back in and under, voluntarily, more times than you want to think you will.

Grief is not a task you can finish or a test you can pass. It will change your DNA and nothing will ever be the same -

One day you will wake up and the never ending sound of your heart shattering will be replaced by the soundtrack of the memories that made you who you are.

One day you will notice the loss and grief has made you feel so alive that you can't ever feel numb again.

One day, you will wake up, and the black and white of grief will subtly give way to the beauty of drowning in your own love.

Assemble All Your Selves and Celebrate the Reunion

Wed, 07 Aug 2024 17:55:35 GMT

Your selves are probably scattered about and they are waiting for you.

Become a collector of all of your selves.

Call into the void of all the directions and invite every one of your selves to return to you with love.

Gather each fragmented bit, each part of your essence, each container of memories that houses a previous identity.

Excavate all of your selves as if each holds the key to your wholeness. Collect your selves as if each of them were rare and priceless.

All of your selves are potent and important, even the ones that seem outdated or obsolete, even the selves that seem damaged or broken. Love them home.

Reclaim your personas.

Reclaim your roles, one by one.

Scrutinize each aspect of your selves and confront the challenging questions about who you aspire to be versus who you think you are.

Discard your titles and all your names.

Embrace your raw, exposed, and real selves. Discover the love within you that transcends all labels, seeing the gloriousness of your selves naked and whole.

Call out through the night of your soul and the wind of your heart for all your selves to come back because they are loved.

They are important and valid in their parts and in their wholeness.

Reclaim your greatness, the vast expanse of your potential.

Reclaim your vulnerability, the delicate strength in your openness.

Reclaim your humanity, the sacred essence of your being.

Reclaim your innocence, the purity of your untamed spirit.

Reclaim your courage, the fierce fire within your heart.

Reclaim your joy, the radiant light that illuminates your soul.

Reignite an intimate relationship with all your selves.

Assemble all your selves and celebrate the reunion.

Stop Giving Away Your Power: Mastering the Art of Unbreakable Boundaries

Tue, 06 Aug 2024 21:05:18 GMT

If you're making it about someone else, you're doing it wrong

There is a moment when you find yourself on the floor, clawing your way up to your feet, and you say to yourself, "I can't do this anymore." At that moment, on a visceral level, you earn your PhD in boundary setting, and your life will never be the same. Because at that moment, you realize boundaries are not rules set up to control anyone else's behavior. Boundaries, instead, are the structure of your relationship with yourself—and if your boundaries are weak, your relationship with yourself will be a hot mess.

In that moment, when you realize you cannot take it anymore, whatever "it" is no longer matters. The only things that matter are your integrity, your peace, and your value as a human being. In that moment, what someone else does or doesn't do is eclipsed by what you will and will not tolerate, and you reclaim every ounce of your power.

When you set boundaries that are intended to mandate how other people behave, you are setting them up to fail, and they will probably disappoint you. When you decide how you want people to treat you and make policing those standards the responsibility of someone else, you are handing off your personal power to anyone who will take it in the name of boundary setting. It's a cheap shortcut, and that system will break.

Every time you want to try to negotiate for your happiness by setting a rule for someone else and following it up with a threat, you need to point that clarity back towards yourself. "If you don't treat me like a priority, I will leave" is not a boundary. It is a plea. It is a sidestep of your personal responsibility. That should read: "I will treat myself like a priority and walk away from situations where others should and do not."

Every time you want to tell someone they need to treat you better or differently, the chances are extremely high that you need to do the hard work of valuing yourself with more integrity and protecting yourself and your energy more fiercely.

The only boundaries that matter are the standards you set for yourself.

So, on that day, when you claw your way back to your feet and say, "I can't do this anymore," what you are really saying is, "I can't keep giving away my self and my peace." As new expectations take root, the boundaries you set with yourself become the framework of a life lived with others in emotional safety—and none of it depends on the compliance of anyone else.

Is getting the man really that important? Maybe Not.

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Fri, 02 Aug 2024 16:51:47 GMT

Our obsession with Romantic Love is Not getting us

where we want to go.

The trad-wife Mormon-farm-core aesthetic peddled on social media as aspirational is nothing more than the commercialization of the husband-centered nuclear family blueprint for free labor and oppression of women we've been trying to claw our way out of for decades. Women are taught from the time they are old enough to hold a doll that motherhood is everything and finding a man is a prize—newsflash: not always.

Now, bear in mind that I am a straight woman married to a man I love. So, take it for what it's worth, but I am going to say something that is likely to piss almost everyone off: The fairytale of the nuclear family isn't always best for children. In fact, often it is not. A traditional mom, dad, and 2.5 kid-style family can only be as healthy as the father—and most men in our society aren't healthy.

Women are programmed to obsess about romantic love with men. However, setting up your entire life to be available for that romantic love with a man might not be best for you or your family, and it's certainly not the best investment of your energy for your community.

Historically, communities and societies formed around women who focus on sisterhood rather than romantic love are stronger. Children do better in community structures like that than they do in traditional families, where traditional gender roles separate women from other women in community sisterhood.

Communities of women parenting create environments where children thrive, enveloped in a network of love, connection, and safety. I am not saying that fatherhood is irrelevant or unimportant. Fathers are essential. However, in matriarchal structures, fatherhood is often more satisfying because mothers are held and cared for in the community, creating less emotional burden on fathers, who can then be more emotionally present and available for their children.

It is time to stop fixating on romantic relationships with men and invest in collective relationships with women. Our obsession with finding romantic partnerships with men keeps us tied to patriarchal patterns and focused on pursuits that waste our time, like seeking the approval of the male gaze. The relentless pursuit of male attention does not make our lives and communities stronger; sisterhood does.

In a fractured world full of chaos and uncertainty, there is a sanctuary of strength: the sisterhood of women. These bonds, woven through shared histories, whispered secrets, and unwavering support, are the bedrock of our resilience and communities. Nurturing sisterhood is not merely a luxury; it is a necessity if we want to dismantle the patriarchy.

When we are united in sisterhood, women become a force of nature. These connections are potent with a fierce and tender strength that holds us in our darkest hours and celebrates us in our brightest moments. In the safety and company of our sisters, we find the generational wisdom of the many women who came before us. These friendships are not just important; they are essential to our well-being.

Research and lived experience show that women are happier when they have strong female friendships. These relationships provide a sanctuary where we can be our most vulnerable but profoundly capable selves, free from seeking the approval and acceptance of men.

Sisterhood is the foundation of community care. In times of fragility, when the fabric of society is stretched thin, the bonds between women hold us together. These relationships form webs of support that catch those who fall, providing the necessary care and compassion to those in need. This care has historically flowed from the hearts of women who work together.

In a world that often seeks to divide us and pit us against one another, nurturing these friendships becomes an act of rebellion. It is a declaration that we will not be torn apart, that we will stand together, stronger and more resilient. These bonds are a testament to the power of unity, a beacon of hope in times of darkness.

When we nurture these friendships, we not only enrich our own lives but also strengthen our families, our communities, and our society as a whole. The bonds between women are a force for good, a source of unwavering support and love. Let us cherish these relationships, for in them lies the true power to transform our world.

Walk the fuck away

Wed, 31 Jul 2024 19:12:25 GMT

Walk the fuck away the first time you realize you're lying to yourself about the person who lies to you.

The quality of every single facet of your life will be determined by your willingness to walk the fuck away and what it takes to get you there, BECAUSE the longer you stay when you shouldn't is a costly calculation.

Walk the fuck away the FIRST time they lie.

Walk the fuck away the FIRST time they make hurtful jokes at your expense.

Walk the fuck away the FIRST time you feel suspicious whether you can prove he did something they shouldn't have or not.

Walk the fuck away the FIRST time you feel even the slightest bit threatened by their anger or his possessiveness.

Walk the fuck away the FIRST time they blame you for their bad behavior.

Walk the fuck away the FIRST time you notice you regret trusting them.

No. You do not need proof.

No. You do not owe them an explanation. People fuck up early and often. We usually ignore it. If you end the first time it happens, chances are about 100% you don't even owe them a phone call.

No. You do not need a "good enough" reason to punch your ticket out.

Shady shit is shady shit and the second you realize you're walking in it, step away, clean yourself up, and keep walking.

How would you define your relationship if there were no words,

no promises,

no explanations?

They always behave exactly WHO they are.

They will be who they are in almost every relationship they have. The chances of you being an exception to someone's track record with others are remarkably slim to probably none.

They can only keep up a farce for a very limited amount of time. They will show you everything you need to know about them a lot quicker than most of us want to admit - and when they do, your future happiness, success, and well-being will depend on paying attention and acting accordingly.

Yes, people make mistakes - however, gaslighting yourself into thinking all mistakes are equal and everyone deserves forgiveness is just that - gaslighting yourself. We know better than that, and frankly, not every mistake is forgivable, and not everyone is worth forgiving.

But the longer you stay when you shouldn't, the harder it is to go when you should.

Every hour you stay when someone has shown you they aren't worthy of your time is an investment in a fantasy that feels more and more real with every empty apology and second chance. The more you invest in that fantasy, the less there is for you to give until you start giving parts of yourself that will not regenerate when the whole thing goes up in flames.

You can stay too long to ever fully recover.

Walk the fuck away the first time you realize you're lying to yourself about the person who lies to you.

Life is a daisy chain of days, and all of them knotted together, are precious.

Fri, 26 Jul 2024 17:31:07 GMT

You are not out of chances or out of time.

This one-shot mentality makes for great stories and catchy songs, but life gives you almost unlimited chances to be something more in the next moment than in this moment - life is playful that way.

As much as the days might seem to bleed one into the next, every day is ripe for something radical.

Some days will change you just because you lived through them. However, most days, the miracles are a choice.

Most days, you have to decide to let the mundane be magical and do something with it.

There is sacred in the dark spaces.

There are gifts in the shadowy corners we want to avoid.

There are closed doors and dead ends, but there are also infinite do-overs, beautiful second chances, and blessings in endings.

Life is generous.

Life keeps giving.

Life keeps asking you to play

Life wants you to rise and rise again and remember tomorrow will be another day

Some days want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.

Some days want to hold you while you rest.

Some days want you to notice the beauty in your life as if each day were art.

Life is a daisy chain of days, and all of them knotted together, are precious.

You are not out of time or out of chances.

You are not being left out or left behind.

You are not too old or too much.

You will probably get one shot after another over and over again. Take a breath and wait for the next ride. It will come.

Being vulnerable is courageous and being rejected is intimate

Thu, 25 Jul 2024 20:42:39 GMT

If you put yourself out there because you want to be seen, at some point, you will probably be rejected. .

If you created something and want to share it with the world, or with a few people who might like it - at some point, you will probably be rejected.

If you lay yourself on the line because you want to be loved - at some point, you will probably be rejected.

If you make an offer,

If you share your thoughts,

If you take a risk,

If ask for what you want or even need,

If you step across the line from what is right now to what you want for tomorrow, you will probably be rejected at some point on that journey -

and it will hurt, but you will live through it every fucking time.

Here is the thing about rejection - it's usually not personal and even when it is, it really isn't.

If you can take the hit and just put it all on the line again, you're already about one thousand times more likely to succeed than most because most people will freeze in place at the first sign of rejection. Rejection, big rejections, and small ones are painful AF. Honestly, there really is no small rejection - all of them feel big even when they aren't.

Rejection is not a barrier—it's a catalyst. If you avoid it, you'll be stuck in a small, safe bubble, far from where you truly want to be.

Once you embrace the reality that rejection is inevitable, you can settle into taking bigger risks than you would have before.

You're going to face rejection.

Repeatedly.

You'll gear yourself up, make your boldest move, brace yourself, give it your all, and then find yourself staring at a closed door, or tending a broken heart, wondering what went wrong as your hopes are dashed - and that's ok.

Few achieve their dreams on the first attempt, regardless of their meticulous planning, abundant resources, or burning desire. Dreams come true are almost always built on a jagged trail of painful rejection.

Being vulnerable is courageous and being rejected is intimate.

It opens you.

You will bleed.

Rejection will make you both softer and harder.

Rejection will show you what matters and what's fluff because the rejections that hurt the most tell you important things about yourself and your future.

Embracing rejection is the highest form of self-respect.

Embracing rejection is the most potent form of self-actualization.

Embracing rejection is the purest form of courage.

Embracing rejection makes you intrinsically more able to take the kinds of risks that change the world.

Beware of the Spiritual Industrial Complex.

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 18:24:19 GMT

It holds a shadowy allure for white women because it is built for us.

We have long since been separated from our ancestral spiritual roots, often violently stripped away, leaving us lost and seeking ever since.

It is why we are so prone to appropriating other spiritual cultures and pretending they are our own. This vulnerability makes us particularly susceptible to spiritual manipulation masked as awakening.

The Spiritual Industrial Complex sings a beguiling melody, luring white women into a trance of false superiority masked as illumination. It promises enlightenment but delivers entrapment, speaks of transcendence but conceals a cage.

Spiritual Bypassing: A refuge for the fearful, it cloaks pain and wounds, offering false serenity that masks inner darkness. Spiritual bypassing is the first step in the spirituality-to-supremacy pipeline.

White women, distanced from ancestral roots, often seek quick fixes to deep-seated issues, making them susceptible to this deceptive peace.

Judgment and Superiority: It whispers the lie that our path is the only path, that our awakening is a beacon for all. This toxicity breeds cancerous arrogance.

White women, in a bid to reclaim lost spiritual authority, may fall for this, believing their journey is superior and universally applicable. "White is right" spirituality is the foundation of modern Christian culture and new-age spirituality. It is really hard to see from the inside but very obvious to others from the outside.

Denial of Reality: Retreating into the ethereal and rejecting the world is an illusory poison. Finding the sacred in the mundane and embracing life's grit becomes lost. The Spiritual Industrial Complex wants you to believe that discomfort means you're not spiritual enough. So, denying suffering, especially the suffering of others, starts to feel like spiritual superiority.

White women, conditioned to seek comfort and validation, are prone to deny reality for a more palatable, spiritualized version of reality that is a fantasy that only includes them.

Unquestioning Obedience: The teacher's voice can be a guiding star or a siren's call. Blind obedience is the antithesis of growth. Cultivating inner wisdom and questioning is lost in the process. This comes in many forms, from the pastor to the best-selling spiritual author to the money-making social media superstar online.

White women, searching for lost guidance, often uncritically follow charismatic leaders, forsaking their own discernment. They search for community in these shadowy halls. They often find it there, but it doesn't feed them for long.

Escapism: The Spiritual Industrial Complex offers refuge from harsh reality, claiming you've done the work and deserve the easy path. Embracing the challenging journey is avoided.

White women, often seeking solace from societal pressures, might buy into the promise of an easy, effortless spiritual path of entitlement. All you have to do is be born again or learn the right mantra, and you're golden. These once-and-done badges of spiritual purity don't make us feel fixed and they leave us still seeking and appropriating.

Suppression of Emotions: Only flowers of positivity are allowed to bloom. Enforced cheerfulness becomes a prison of false paradise. The Complex wants us to remain appropriately pretty and smiling all the time.

White women, socialized to maintain appearances and avoid discomfort, might suppress their true emotions to fit the ideal of constant positivity and be more socially palatable, especially palatable to white men who often expect women to be fundamentally agreeable.

Holier-than-Thou: The sanctimonious spirit breeds moral superiority. The Spiritual Industrial Complex tells white women they are better than everyone else, reassuring us of our rightness and special status.

White women, seeking to reclaim a sense of power, confuse that with a feeling of importance and influence. We can be lured into believing we hold spiritual superiority over others and are entitled to leadership in spiritual communities.

Toxic Positivity: Negativity becomes a forbidden fruit in false spiritual realms. Happy thoughts only is the equivilant of the mid-life face lift where a positive attitude is the not just a superior trait but also the best cosmetic. When all emotions are not welcome and sacred, toxic positivty limits the range of human experience in favor of well-behaved women who look happy.

White women pressured to maintain a facade of perfection, might embrace toxic positivity, rejecting the necessary depth for genuine growth. They are taught to avoid interacting with or even looking at "other people" who are not happy or aren't as positive as they are. They see unhappiness and suffering in others as a sign of spiritual failing.

Commercialization of Spirituality: The marketplace sells enlightenment by the pound. Inner wealth over material gain and authenticity over appearance are often disregarded.

White women, in their quest for spiritual fulfillment, are often targeted by commercial interests, turning spirituality into another consumer product. They get the enlightenment they can afford and often find themselves surrounded by other white women who can afford it, too, silently congratulating themselves on that badge of spiritual elitism and success.

If you see yourself reflected in any of these points, it's crucial to recognize that your spirituality might be keeping you locked into an invisible contract with white supremacy. The Spiritual Industrial Complex, designed to exploit and manipulate, often perpetuates systems of oppression while masquerading as enlightenment.

Confessions of a Coach with a Dumpster Fire Life

Wed, 17 Jul 2024 18:04:47 GMT

"Perfect life" as a marketing strategy is unethical

I've said it before, and I will say it one thousand times more: if you're waiting until your life is perfect enough for public consumption, get your groove on and become a coach. You are probably focusing too much on yourself and not enough on your potential clients.

I do not know a single coach who has a perfect life, and I know A LOT of coaches.

Life is not perfect, and if you're relying on a perfect-looking life to market your coaching practice, your coaching practice and your marketing will be in a constant cycle of start and stutter because life is going to life. Your coaching practice is going to fail with that strategy.

Sometimes life is hard as fuck for everyone.

April was a really bad month for me—like epic bad. The facts are that the months leading up to April were really bad too. I'm going to spare you all the torrid details, but I will just say that in a cataclysmic string of events, I found myself on or about May first, taking stock of my life and realizing every single area of my life was in crisis - not just strained but almost completely fucked.

My business and finances had been coasting for too long, and those systems felt really fragile. In April, I made less money than I had since I started my business two decades ago.

I got sicker than I've maybe ever been in mid-April. Perhaps I had COVID. However, I didn't have the strength or the will to even take the test. More likely than COVID, I probably just bottomed out because of lack of sleep and stress. So, my body finally fired off a big fuck you, leaving me no choice but to go to bed.

All of my primary relationships were strained, some of them beyond repair. Some of my relationships will be in recovery for a long time, and other relationships that once mattered to me will never recover, and I've just made peace with that. I owed too many apologies to count.

The people I cared for most were in the fallout of my rapidly developing mental health crisis. I was probably dangerously depressed, but I was too anxious to notice that depression.

And we can debate all day long whether or not I should have been working or whether or not my life was too much of a fuck show for me to think I had anything to offer my clients, but I am not here for that debate BECAUSE my clients do not hire me because they want my life. I am not in the business of selling a fantasy. My life is messy sometimes, and that's not a secret.

When a life coach thinks they have all the answers or all the tools to be unbothered by the experiences that make us human, we lose touch with the humanity that makes us great coaches.

When a life coach thinks they need to be perfect or at least look perfect to be worthy in the market of a sea of coaches, that coach might be putting way too much value on perfection to be compassionate with other humans.

"My perfect life" as a marketing strategy is unethical.

Look, if you are hiring a coach because you want a life that looks just like theirs on social media, you might want to reconsider what you want to get out of coaching. Everyone's life is complicated.

If a coach is selling something that looks shiny and tidy all the time, they are selling a lie. You can't pay for enough sessions to buy that lie -

but on some level, I think most clients know that. They might try to buy the fantasy by hiring the coach with the "perfect life", but no one is shocked when that doesn't work.

Someone asked me recently if I would be embarrassed to admit to my clients I'd struggled with anxiety. I laughed and said, I'm pretty sure they already know. It feels like everyone knows.

And I might be wrong. Maybe potential clients will think I'm a fraud of a life coach for telling the truth about real human experiences, but I don't think so. Humans crave realness.

I believe clients want to work with humans who understand what it feels like to be so anxious you don't notice the depression.

I believe clients want to work with humans who know what it feels like to wake up one day to relationships you don't recognize because you don't recognize yourself.

I believe clients want to work with humans who can embrace the reality that perfect is not all that attractive because our humanity is what makes us beautiful.

I believe clients want to work with humans who do the work to heal when they are broken and humans who walk their talk with honesty, even when it's raw and jagged.

Life will humble us all, and that is a beautiful thing.

I believe we can be humbled and do great work all at the same time.

Vulnerability is the truth, and that is a much sexier business model than perfection.

I am fine.

I took the meds.

I surrounded myself with loving professional support.

I still sleep a lot in my free time.

I have a self-care accountability partner who is changing my life.

I am eating well.

I am committed to rehabing my nervous system.

I can see the light again and I really do love myself and my life.

Guru-culture is dead

Fri, 12 Jul 2024 18:28:14 GMT

and we are deliriously in love with ourselves now

Guru-culture is dead, and we are deliriously in love with ourselves now.

Gone are the days when we bowed down to self-appointed saviors who promised to light our path, charging us money to secretly extinguish our inner flames.

We are so over that because guru-culture is dead, and we are deliriously in love with ourselves now.

The seductive pull of a guru-- the siren song for the soul.

For the price of a monthly membership or a ticket to the show, they promise enlightenment,

a one-way ticket to nirvana,

a roadmap to guaranteed million-dollar months,

eternal youth,

a solution to every bit of life's chaos -

but we don't need that anymore. We kind of love our drama and our rollercoaster learning curves.

Guru-culture is dead, and we are deliriously in love with ourselves now.

We used to love to worship at the altar of Hay House false prophets or picture-perfect know-it-alls in stiletto heels.

We used to be conditioned to seek validation, guidance, and a sense of belonging from someone with a massive social media machine, making us ripe for the picking by outlet mall sages.

We put their wisdom on our credit cards, but it cost us more than the interest.

Their approval was a golden cage, their doctrine a velvet shackle -

but are grown-up and over it.

Guru-culture is dead, and we are deliriously in love with ourselves now.

We aren't buying our self-worth by contorting ourselves into mini-me versions of strong personalities with no soul.

We aren't outsourcing our intuition to experts who magically make money by teaching other people to magically make money.

We aren't looking for salvation in the arms of fake-demi-gods who promise peace for a pound of flesh.

We are happy without them.

We don't remember their names anymore.

We don't need fixing.

We are spending our money on girls trips and pottery classes.

Guru-culture is dead, and we are deliriously in love with ourselves now.

Embrace Your Rage: How Anger and Love Unite to Empower

Thu, 11 Jul 2024 18:30:16 GMT

Your Rage is beautiful

They will tell you your anger is wrong.

They will tell you it's unhealed or less evolved.

They will tell you your anger is a spiritual flaw.

They will tell you it's inappropriate and unattractive.

They will tell you to extinguish your rage so you can be pretty.

They will ask you to make your big rage small so you can fit into the "right" sized box they want to put you in.

They will tell you your anger and your love cannot live in the same space and that if you allow your anger to breathe, it will suffocate your love.

But

your rage might make you beautiful. Your anger might be the purest expression of your wild, unbridled love.

Here is the truth they fear: Anger is not a flaw; it is a fire, a cleansing force that burns through the fog of what is not true.

It is the fierce pulse of life that demands respect and recognition.

Your anger is a beacon, illuminating the path to your truest self, a declaration that you will no longer be silenced or diminished.

It is the raw, untamed power of your soul refusing to be caged.

It might be the part of you most deeply connected to your humanity.

It is the cry for justice, the demand for dignity, the refusal to accept anything less than your worth.

In your anger lies the strength to break the chains, to shatter the boxes, to redefine the narrative that has long sought to contain you.

Do not fear the conflagration of your emotions. Instead, embrace it. Let it forge you into something stronger, something truer.

Your anger and your love are not enemies; they are twin flames, each amplifying the other's light. When you allow both to coexist, you become a force of nature, a symphony of fierce, unyielding love and righteous, transformative anger.

It is in this union of anger and love that you will find your truest power, your most authentic and compassionate self.

So, Now We Rise

Wed, 10 Jul 2024 18:14:25 GMT

Men have long punished women for their magic, branding it as dark, dangerous, something to be feared and suppressed. Who we are in the wild threatens them. This ancient, searing fire within us, once revered, was twisted into a source of shame and secrecy.

Women were taught to hide their power, to doubt their intuition, to silence their wisdom. Women were killed by men who feared the feminine wild nature. But the time has come for us to reclaim our magic, to connect to the deep, unbroken line of enchantment that weaves through the fabric of our being.

This reconnection is not just an act of self-love, but a subversive political act, a direct challenge to the structures that seek to control us.

So, now we rise.

Throughout history, the magic of women has been a threat to the patriarchy, a force that could not be easily contained or understood. Our spells, our healing, our visions were vilified, our sacred practices driven underground.

Yet, despite centuries of persecution, the magical roots of women have endured, whispering beneath the surface, waiting for us to listen. These roots are a testament to our resilience, our collective power, and our enduring spirit.

So, now we rise.

Today, more than ever, we must rekindle this flame. In a world fractured by division, our magical traditions are a beacon of unity, connecting us across time and space. The patriarchy thrives on our disconnection, knowing that divided, we are easier to control.

But when we come together, when we embrace our magic, we are unstoppable. We become a force of nature, capable of cursing the unjust, loving fiercely, and protecting what is ours and what is sacred.

So, now we rise.

Our magic makes love an active force, a weapon against oppression, a balm for the wounded, a shield for the vulnerable. When we wield this power collectively, we create a tapestry of strength and solidarity that no corrupt system can govern.

The patriarchy's greatest fear is not just our individual magic but our united power. That is why they separate us. That is the narrative of the solitary practitioner or the lone witch - but it's time to come out of the dark and into the light together. Together, we can dismantle the chains that have bound us, tearing down the walls of silence and shame.

So, now we rise.

It is time for a magical re-wilding, a reawakening of the sorceress within each of us. Let us gather in circles, in covens, in sacred spaces, in places of worship, and call upon the ancient wisdom that flows through our veins.

Let us speak our spells aloud, with voices strong and unafraid. Let us teach our daughters and sons the truth of our power, the beauty of our magic, and the strength of our unity.

In this act of reclaiming, we honor our ancestors, those wise women who kept the fire burning through the darkest of times. We honor ourselves, our courage, our spirit, our unyielding light. And we honor the future, forging a path where our daughters can walk freely, their heads held high, their hearts open, their magic unbound. We do it now to heal our grandmothers and our granddaughters. We do it now because if we don't we will lose our way.

So, now we rise.

The time is now. Let us rise, witches, healers, seers, and dreamers. Let us weave our magic into the very fabric of the world, creating a tapestry of love, justice, and transformation. The patriarchy has had its time; now it is ours. Together, we will light the way, and no force on earth can dim our collective power.

So, now we rise.

Radical Self-Acceptance is the Antidote to Capitalism

Tue, 09 Jul 2024 18:48:18 GMT

They literally Profit on our insecurities

Radical self-acceptance is the antidote to capitalism, the reclamation of your soul from the relentless machinery of profit and loss. It is a revolution of the spirit, a defiance against a system that thrives on your insecurities and fears. In a world where your worth is measured by productivity and consumption, embracing yourself fully is an act of rebellion, a powerful declaration of sovereignty over your existence.

Imagine yourself as a tree, rooted deeply in the soil of your being. Capitalism is the storm that seeks to uproot you, to strip you of your leaves and break your branches, all in the name of progress and profit. But radical self-acceptance is your anchor, the unyielding force that holds you firm against the gale. It is the recognition that you are whole, worthy, and complete, not because of what you produce, but simply because you are.

In the relentless pursuit of more, capitalism demands that you become a cog in its vast, unfeeling machine. It whispers that you are not enough, that you must strive, compete, and conform to earn your place in the world. But radical self-acceptance shatters this illusion. It is the quiet, unassailable truth that you are enough, that you are more than the sum of your achievements or possessions. It is the realization that your value is intrinsic, not contingent on external validation.

Embracing radical self-acceptance is a declaration of independence from the tyranny of capitalism. It is the refusal to let your identity be defined by market forces, the rejection of the notion that you must sacrifice your well-being on the altar of economic growth. It is the courage to stand in your truth, to honor your needs, desires, and boundaries, even when they contradict the demands of a consumerist society.

This act of self-love is transformative. It dismantles the internalized beliefs that you are inadequate, that you must hustle and grind to prove your worth. It nurtures a sense of abundance, a recognition that you have enough, that you are enough. It fosters community and connection, as you begin to see others not as competitors, but as fellow travelers on the journey towards wholeness.

Radical self-acceptance is the seed of a new world, one where human dignity is not for sale, where love and compassion are the currencies of true wealth. It is the balm that heals the wounds inflicted by a system that profits from your pain. It is the fierce, unyielding assertion that you are not a commodity, but a living, breathing testament to the beauty and resilience of the human spirit.

In embracing yourself fully, you dismantle the chains of capitalism that seek to bind you. You reclaim your power, your peace, your purpose. You become the architect of your own destiny, crafting a life that honors your true self. Let radical self-acceptance be your guide, your shield, your liberation. Stand tall, rooted in your truth, and let the storm of capitalism pass you by.

Taking Responsibility for the Behavior of Someone Else is Dangerous

Tue, 09 Jul 2024 01:02:53 GMT

Taking responsibility for any part of someone else's behavior is akin to penning your own permission slip for self-destruction. It's a silent contract, inked with the blood of your dignity and sealed with the wax of your worth. Each time you shoulder their misdeeds, you carve a piece of your soul away, offering it up on the altar of their chaos.

Imagine your life as a fortress, strong and resolute, built on the foundation of your values and dreams. Every time you take on the burden of another's actions, you weaken those walls, brick by brick. You let in the storm of their irresponsibility, the flood of their guilt, and the winds of their excuses. Your fortress, once a bastion of your identity, becomes a ruin, crumbling under the weight of someone else's sins.

This insidious act is not just a relinquishment of responsibility; it is an erasure of self. You become a ghost in your own life, haunting the shadows of decisions that were never yours to make. You silence your own voice, your needs, your boundaries, allowing theirs to echo unchecked through the corridors of your mind.

Taking responsibility for another’s behavior is to chain yourself to their whims, their failures, and their recklessness. It is a surrender of your power, a forfeiture of your sovereignty. In doing so, you grant them dominion over your emotions, your peace, your very existence. You hand them the keys to your kingdom, allowing them to pillage your sense of self without consequence.

It is a betrayal of the highest order, not just by them, but by you. You betray the sanctity of your own spirit, the sanctity of your own autonomy. You become complicit in your own unraveling, a co-author of your own undoing.

Remember, no one’s actions can hold sway over you unless you allow it. Reclaim your pen. Write your own story. Let their behavior be a chapter in their book, not yours. Your life is your manuscript, bound in the leather of your resilience, inscribed with the ink of your truth. Do not let another's missteps stain your pages. Stand firm, guard your narrative fiercely, and let no one rewrite your destiny.

I wonder if my clients know...

Thu, 04 Jul 2024 21:06:28 GMT

I wonder if my clients know how much I obsess about them. I hope that doesn't sound creepy, but for real, I think about them all the time. I wonder how they are doing between our calls. I visualize the best outcomes for them all the time -

-and that is easy to do because my clients are healthy and thriving. The future is bright for these brilliant souls. They have good things going and good things coming - not because they are working with me BUT because they are whole all on their own.

I wonder if my clients know that when our work ends, they still take up space in my head and my heart completely rent-free, and I am totally ok with that. I carry their hopes and dreams in the same spaces I hold my own. I have a library of their stories in my head that are more precious than they will ever know.

I wonder if they know I want them to reach out long after they've stopped paying me because I think about them and probably always will. I am grateful for the lessons I learned from them, which make me a better coach and person. I have never met a client I didn't learn things from.

A lot of my sessions end with "Love you." I wonder if coaching had a licensing board if I'd lose my license for saying that. I wonder if my clients know when I use the words "I love you," that is not fluff or a marketing ploy. I hope my clients ALWAYS feel loved and deeply appreciated in the container we make in our work together - especially when the work is hard and the waters are deep.

I wonder if my clients know I believe in them, I am always on their side, and they mean incalculably more to me than all the money they ever pay me.

We Are Not Doing Beach Body Bull Sh*t This Year

Wed, 15 May 2024 16:55:02 GMT

Divest from the male gaze

We are not going to do hot girl summer as cover for beach body bullshit this year.

We are doing well-fed woman summer.

We are doing delightfully satisfied and sexy summer.

We are doing I ate the ice cream and I loved it summer.

We are doing healthy and happy over not ever thin enough and hangry summer.

We are not going to measure value by size tags or numbers on a scale.

We are not going into a cold sweat in a dressing room with a stack of swimsuits.

We are not going to hide under a cover-up or sit in the shade wearing a t-shirt and uncomfortable shorts while other people are enjoying the water.

Show off your curves.

Get in the photo.

This is the only summer 2024 you will get.

You're never going to be younger than you are right now.

Own your fucking gloriousness.

The body you have IS a beach body.

If you don't feel gorgeous, chances are pretty high you're measuring yourself by standards of the male gaze dripping with white supremacy culture -

that shit is so very 2010.

This is 2024.

We are divesting from systems that peddle ideals that make us feel less than luscious based on images that are not achievable BECAUSE they are fake.

Love your body.

Love your life.

Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.No day will ever be more meaningful than the day before everything changes. The problem with life is you will not recognize that day until it has passed into the oblivion of memory - once here, now gone, never to be had again.

The Matriarchy is Dawning

Fri, 05 Apr 2024 18:32:26 GMT

And things are not business as usual

The patriarchy is so malignant at this point that if we leave it alone, it will die all on its own.

We do not need to fight the patriarchy anymore.

Women simply need to stop participating.

Our attention is the only thing that stands between oppression and the death of the patriarchy -

disinvest from that system now.

We are entering a new reality.

The Matriarchy is dawning, and she is calling us to step into that dawn.

Stop fucking around with mediocre men.

Stop wasting your time with unhealed, frankly uninteresting men who do not have the capacity or desire to bring A LOT to the table beyond the early days of getting into your bed.

Do not even interact with men who can't pay the price of admission for protecting your fucking peace.

You are no longer a rehab center for fucked up men.

We have the power to rid the planet of them for the rest of history.

We can end them.

We can stop birthing the children of men who are not exceptional in every single way.

Pregnancy and childbirth are life-threatening.

Being a baby machine is dangerous.

We can and should stop bearing the children of ordinary men.

We have the power to cull the herd.

Don't pay their bills. Don't pay their way.

Do not give away your labor, emotionally, mentally, or physically, to a man who won't rise to make your life substantively more beautiful.

Stop providing social cover and credibility for a mediocre man just for the sake of having a partner.

A mediocre man will drain your energy, ruin your credit score, and take the best years of your life.

A bad boy is an addiction.

The knight in shining armor is a fantasy.

Men we think we need are poison.

Avoid the unhealed man, as if your life depends on it because it might.

Stop treating men like a necessity or a luxury when men are the leading cause of death for women.

Stop inviting predators into your bed and body.

They ruled with an iron fist from inside a boys club - but women are rising.

The Matriarchy is calling.

She is calling women to trust and hold other women.

She is asking us to invest in one another.

She wants us to remember the safety and sanctuary of sisterhood.

Stop giving your money to men because money is power.

Invest your money with and spend money on women.

Give money to women.

Hire Women.

Make exceptions for women.

Spread your wealth among your sisters because women are an investment in the future.

Surround yourself with women.

Dance with women.

Make future plans with women.

Treat the women in your life like your life partners and with the tenderness you would treat your lovers.

Give them grace and give them your attention.

Reject the authority of men.

Vote for women.

Vote for a future that puts women in power.

Be willing to go off script, off the beaten path, out of your way daily to put women in power and keep them there.

The Matriarchy is the only hope our planet and humanity really have.

Protect and listen to the wisdom of black and brown women.

Protect and listen to the wisdom of old women.

Protect and listen to the wisdom of girls.

Drop the patriarchal nonsense of the white, old man in the sky and embrace the Goddess in you.

Own your body. Do not give her away.

Own your sexuality. Love who you love. Fuck who you want.

Own your heart. Love yourself harder than you'd even consider loving anyone else.

Brake the habit of measuring your beauty and your worth by what's valuable in the eyes of the male gaze.

Practice being unattractive to men.

Make being too much be a spiritual practice.

Be a sexual being for your own pleasure and stop buying into the standards of objectification.

Let yourself be re-wilded.

An expectation of civility might be control.

You do not owe anyone predictability.

There is no single reason a man shouldn't be terrified of you.

Arm yourself if you need to.

Let yourself be totally insane as a way of setting and maintaining boundaries if you must.

Understand that the feminine might be soft, but she is not passive.

The Matriarchy will not start a war, but she will finish one.

She will fight for what's hers and defend her own.

She is fighting for the planet now.

She will rise with a fierceness that masculinity cannot understand.

Breathe into the spark in your soul that feels like a stirring, and let it unfurl into a wildfire.

Welcome to the age of the Matriarchy.

The patriarchy wants WOMEN to be Christian

Tue, 19 Mar 2024 18:48:38 GMT

ps. I will not entertain a conversation that starts with, "But what about Islam and Sharia law?"

The patriarchy wants WOMEN to be Christian because once you buy into the whole "God is a white man in the sky" thing, control, oppression, and violence are a forgone conclusion.

The patriarchy wants you to be quiet, compliant, and grateful for whatever crumbs fall your way. Christianity teaches women to be those things from day one. We learn to sit down, smile, and use an appropriate inside voice.

We are taught independent thinking is a sin because faith is the ultimate test of God. We learn that male dominance is Godly, and our basic role as women is to serve the men and have babies when they want us to - Christian men are busy legislating just that right now.

Civility and appropriateness are lovely until they are not. The patriarchy wants you to be sweet and controlled, and the mandate to be civil and appropriate sounds more palatable.

Christianity teaches women that male violence is also Godly - an angry God, a vengeful God, a God that murders for spite. This is what women are taught appropriate, normal, even sacred male behavior looks like.

Christian women are controlled, humiliated, dominated, raped, tortured, and killed by their Christian husbands every damn day.

Organized religion is almost always a tool of the ruling class to control the population. Çhristianity was the brainchild of the patriarchal ruling class. It is not a stretch to say the Roman Empire never died; it simply evolved into a religion with even more reach than the empire previously had. Instead of enforcing laws, it ruled with the fear of hell.

However, to get total control, Christianity had to disappear the competition, and women are always going to subvert patriarchal control where they can. Christianity made goddess worship a sacrilege, and that only benefits those who benefit from patriarchal systems.

Christianity does not just seek to control women. In its most traditional form, Christianity oppresses the feminine.

Historically, humans worshiped female deities during times of peace and prosperity—goddess worship. So, on this beautiful equinox, if you want to stand alone outside the box of patriarchal control and brainwashing, it might be way past time to decentralize men by evicting the white man in the sky from your most sacred soul-infused spaces.

This Might Be the Day Before Everything Changes

Sat, 09 Mar 2024 02:50:25 GMT

Every ordinary day has the potential to be the last day with someone -

or just the last day

No day will ever be more meaningful than the day before everything changes. The problem with life is you will not recognize that day until it has passed into the oblivion of memory - once here, now gone, never to be had again.

The day before the accident

The day before you lost a child or a spouse

The day before the breakup

The day before the fire

The day before the cancer diagnosis

The day before the heart attack

The day before a pet passed

The day before a pandemic started

The day before the storm

Days like that seem ordinary. In those precious moments, before everything changes, we rarely notice the sacred rhythm in which the drumbeat of time passes one day into the next, changing the landscape of everything.

Every ordinary day has the potential to be the last day with someone -

or just the last day BUT we lose ourselves in the delusion that this, whatever this is, will last forever-

it will not.

Every ordinary moment has extraordinary power to impact every second of the rest of forever - every second has unthinkable potential for change, and most of us are walking through our borrowed moment either so bored we are numb or intentionally distracted, just passing the time until a tomorrow we think will be the same but is not promised.

Nothing will teach you to live in the moment faster than loss and grief because when they get their grip on you, it feels like quicksand, pressing you into the moment of now that feels intolerably empty and dark. Loss will shake you by the shoulders, yelling into the void in your soul, begging you to remember the small things your busy mind tends to forget.

Raw presence and gratitude will save you from the regret of not savoring the day before everything changed.

Mystics talk about mindfulness because the now is the true and precious only safe place to be.

This moment is the promise of intentions past.

This moment is the fertile soil for the mysteries of tomorrow. It is a magical space in infinity.

No moment is as ordinary as the parts of us that are jaded want to believe.

Do it now.

Do it scared.

Do it poorly if you must.

Be here now.

Be here.

This might be the day before everything changes.

A HUMAN'S GUIDE TO GETTING YOUR BRAIN TO PLAY NICE.

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 18:13:08 GMT

Rumination, while it feels like important thinking,

is a complete waste of time.

There is a kind of thinking in personal development circles that was probably born in the law of attraction circles that says, "Only do what feels good."

This idea that we should stay in a holding pattern until something feels good, over time, slowly morphs into endless patterns of dissatisfied sameness and insecurity-fueled procrastination.

The problem with that kind of thinking is that although there is a lot of science that supports deliberate creation, the actual science in no way indicates that emotion is a creative force -

focus is the driving creative force.

Focus is everything, and emotion will inevitably, eventually follow focus.

However, many of us have gotten in the habit of wanting to manhandle and manage our feelings so we feel good about making change before doing a thing that makes us feel uncomfortable -

And here is the problem with that: Change makes humans uncomfortable.

The human brain wants nothing more than to keep you safe. So, the brain will perceive anything that is not the same as it's always been, even if it doesn't make you happy as a threat.

Your normally functioning brain does not care if you are happy or not.

Trying to strong-arm your feelings into thinking a change feels great is much harder work than just making a change. Most people can only create a sustainable change in their feelings when the brain sees evidence that making the change is safe.

Bottom line: Waiting until it feels right thinking will keep you exactly where you are.

You have to SHOW your brain what you want to experience before the gatekeeper of your emotions will get on board. Your brain functions on an evidence-based system.

If you want forward momentum, you've got to outsmart your brain, and that is easier than you might think - it only requires one thing.

BE BOLD.

If fact, be audacious.

Be fucking delusional about the possibilities and DO something way bigger than you think you can.

Thinking BIG without BIG DOING reinforces your anxiety.

Just do the thing.

Break the part of your brain that acts like an emotional hall monitor by doing something boldly unexpected - and if it fails, it fails.

If it fails, which you might, and you survive it, which you will, maybe you win even more because your brain will witness you not being crushed.

Your current state of being is exactly what it is until you start pushing your boundaries creatively, professionally, personally, and spiritually.

You will have to get out there on your edges and push the lines of what is comfortable or feels safe to explore what's possible.

Rumination, while it feels like important thinking, is a complete waste of time. Rumination is the brain's way of making you think your discomfort is important.

You can learn to feel the fear and do it anyway and teach your brain you can survive unpredictability -

and when you start taking the scary risks and big leaps without needing those risks to "pay off," only doing it so you can train yourself to expand into greater levels of doing things that are possible for you, you will probably find none of it is that scary even when it's uncomfortable.

Train yourself to believe risk and rejection are safe.

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Thin and Healthy are Two Different Things

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 20:27:12 GMT

Loving your body is a subversive act of rebellion against oppressive systems.

I want to talk to you about your body and weight --

Let's be honest; if you identify as female, you have been trained from before you can remember to want to be as small as fucking possible.

Almost every healthy woman I know wants to take up less physical space. Statistics show seventy percent of women admit they want to lose weight. I think that number is low.

Some of the loudest voices in personal development and coaching started their careers in or straddled their message into the weight loss space. Women can talk about not playing small all day. However, it sounds shallow when the "don't play it small" crowd wants to literally be smaller AND they want you to be smaller too.

We can blame our mothers.

We can blame the media and advertising.

I blame the patriarchy and capitalism because a woman who takes up space without apology is about a thousand times less likely to comply, conform, and consume.

But I digress...

YOUR BODY DESERVES ALL THE SPACE SHE OCCUPIES.

Yes, I am yelling. I will shout this from the mountain top all day, every day, for the rest of forever.

The first order of business when fighting the patriarchy is learning to love the body you have right now. Doing anti-patriarchal work and claiming to be anti-capitalist while still hating on your body for existing is like trying to run a sprint on ice - you are going to fall down and probably injure yourself.

The patriarchy wants to make you so small you feel invisible.

Capitalism wants you to hate yourself, so you will spend money to buy worthiness.

Shame is the primary weapon of choice for both.

Loving your body is a subversive act of rebellion against oppressive systems.

And I can hear it now...

" But what about my health - I need to lose weight to be healthier. "

To which I say: Maybe - maybe not.

THIN AND HEALTHY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

Ask anyone who has ever been life-threateningly ill.

The BMI is medical trash built on pseudo-science.

Research shows that women who are slightly "overweight" live longer and healthier than women who are "normal weight".

Studies done by dating websites consistently demonstrate most men do not prefer model-body women.

Everything you think you know about what's healthy for a woman was probably dreamt up by a man.

So, here is the hard but comforting truth.

IF YOU ARE TREATING YOUR BODY LOVINGLY, THE WAY YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD, THE WEIGHT YOU ARE AT IS THE RIGHT WEIGHT FOR YOUR BODY.

If you are lovingly feeding your body with care and attention the way she deserves to be fed AND you are moving your body with compassion and joy the way she wants to be moved, your body will settle at her perfect balanced size. If that's not small enough to make you happy or to feel worthy, that's a you problem.

Going to war with your body for five, ten, fifteen, or even fifty pounds when you are taking care of your body with gentle compassion and genuine care is active self-harm.

If you are actively in a healthy relationship with your body and someone doesn't find your body attractive, you are not their type, no more, no less.

Your person will fall in love with your soul and inspire and empower you to live in balance.

Wanting to be thinner than the natural resting state of your body in balance so you can be more attractive IS peak patriarchal programming.

The cycles of the female body are fluid, literally.

She will shift and change, ebb and flow.

She can be strong and soft at the same time.

No one gets to dictate what your body should look like, frankly, not even you.

Full disclosure: I am not taking care of my body the way I know she wants to be cared for right now. I am not taking her out to move every day. She craves that movement I am not giving her.

Not too surprisingly, my body is carrying more fat with less muscle than she would like.

However, that's on me, not my body.

I have learned to love the body I have right now without needing her to be different, even when I am not treating her with the care she deserves.

That said, my body will never be healthy, size eight. If I get that small, something has gone wrong, and I know that.

Get healthy - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy.

Do it for you.

Love the body you have right now.

Take up all the space with joy.

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The Truth About Life Demolition and Self-Revolution

Thu, 04 Jan 2024 18:26:11 GMT

The life of little tweaks is where you tell yourself you're doing the work when you're really embracing procrastination and mediocrity

Life is our canvas, and we often settle for minor touch-ups when we need a complete overhaul. It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that tiny tweaks will suffice, but let's be honest – they're often just a convenient excuse to avoid the real, transformative work.

The life of little tweaks is where you tell yourself you're doing the work when you're really embracing procrastination and mediocrity. It feels safe but dull - you are awake but not awakened.

Real change, the kind that reshapes your existence and aligns it with your deepest truths, isn't about half-measures. It requires the courage to confront the parts of our lives that feel misaligned and say, "This isn't good enough." It's about understanding that realignment often means demolition – not out of destruction, but out of a profound need to rebuild something that reflects who you are vs. who you were.

This is why if it feels like it's all falling apart, there really is no reason that's not a good thing. Ask anyone who's watched their life burn to the ground and lived through it: Almost anyone who's gone through that will tell you the experience made them. Hindsight almost always reveals chaos, leaving a better, bolder, more fulfilled version of yourself and your life in its wake.

This journey of self-revolution is about exploding the myth of the 'just fine' life. Evolution happens naturally. Self-revolution is an intentionally fierce and bold process.

When you settle for tiny adjustments, you are not only selling yourself short but also missing out on the extraordinary potential within you. Self-revolution is an organic process of choosing to unleash your unfolding into reality at whatever cost -

pay what it takes become who you are.

If you are afraid to let go, that is a good sign you're already running late.

It is time.

Now is the time.

Today is the day.

Learn to love the mess. Embrace the chaos and the raw beauty of massive change. It's the path to a life that's not just lived but loved – fiercely and fully.

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An Anthem for the Goddess Uprising

Thu, 05 Oct 2023 19:11:55 GMT

Fun Fact: If you want to find a man who will love you, stop trying to package yourself for male consumption.

If you think bending yourself into some version of being a woman that a man will feel is attractive will make you more valuable or more validated, think again.

Thinking you can be pretty enough to earn a man's respect, loyalty, and attention is a fool's game. Believing male attention will ultimately do something good for your life is also warped.

Being a woman who gets male attention just by showing up does not make you more valuable than any other woman.

There is no actual currency in being attractive to men.

Sexual attention from a man has less than no value. It is dangerous.

Women die every single day because they are attractive to a man or not attractive enough to a man, or simply in proximity to a man who noticed them for no particular reason.

Look, some ass-hat cheated on Shakira - let that sink in.

This Goddess of a Woman wasn't a second thought when her ex-husband decided to put his marriage vows on the nightstand and fucked someone else.

When you think about that, if it makes you feel like if a man can't be loyal to Shakira, then how can you ever have any hope a man will be loyal to you --

you might be thinking about it wrong.

Men will stick their dicks in holes in the wall.

Mourges and funeral homes prefer to hire women because men will for real fuck the corpses - I kid you not. Google it.

Every day men fall down and screw women who are NOT hotter, younger, more interesting, funnier, or more intelligent than their wives or significant others. They do it because they can, and the woman is there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger ACCIDENTALLY had a MULTI-YEAR affair with the woman who did his laundry while married to Maria Shriver.

Wasting any precious energy you have been blessed with to live a wild, free, meaningful, and fulfilling life trying to be more attractive to a man is like throwing yourself away for something about as valuable as a candy Blow Pop ring. We all know that just because it is shaped like something of value doesn't mean it is -

-and speaking of value, let's just say what we already know out loud.:

Men do not value and respect women. In a patriarchal system where men win by having more than other men, the most valuable woman is a woman who is a possession. Men value women by measuring compliance - and morphing yourself towards the male gaze is peak compliance.

This does not mean A man will not value A woman.

This does not mean the love of a man is not precious.

However, a man who truly loves a woman is not scoring her by her weight, cup size, absence of wrinkles, or super-hot wardrobe.

This does not mean all men are bad.

However, the construct of maleness in a world that oppresses women will always attempt to make women believe they need to earn the attention and loyalty of a man by being some sexier version of herself with no end in sight to how she will need to recreate herself to suit the male gaze.

Deconstructing that is some hard work. It takes more than commercially packaged feel-good self-love fluff.

Deconstructing our programming to morph into the unattainable standards of what men want requires a woman to decide she is inherently worthy enough of her own devotion that she will not pander for validation from anything or anyone external.

Doing this work might take your whole life.

Fun Fact: If you want to find a man who will love you, stop trying to package yourself for male consumption.

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I Want to Have an Honest and Transparent Conversation about Self-Care

Thu, 20 Jul 2023 19:36:20 GMT

What is your real time and money investment in you?

I would like to talk about self-care.

There is a lot of talk behind the scenes in my coaching neighborhood about how self-care needs to be deconstructed and decolonized BECAUSE it has become such a commercialized concept that often costs a shit ton of money and takes a massive amount of time.

When discussing self-care publicly, particularly regarding celebrity culture, we often talk about the money.

However, when I talk about self-care in client sessions, people often talk about the investment of time and how difficult it is to make that time.

So, I am curious, how much both time AND cash do you invest in your self-care?

Let's discuss.

Below is my list.

I am not perfect with this - but for the first time in a long time, (maybe ever), I can honestly say, I am doing my best, and it has made a difference in my life.

Meditation

20 minutes -- Free

Wim Hof breathing

20 minutes -- Free

Facial Exercises

15 minutes -- Free

For the last couple of weeks, I have been failing at this.

Skincare

5 minutes -- Probably $20 a month

Exercise (Rhythmic Metamorphosis) Somatic Dance and Breathwork

20 minutes a day - $20 a month for virtual membership

For the last couple of weeks, I have been failing at this.

Hot or cold exposure

20 -40 minutes a day -- Free (I own an infrared sauna and use my ice-filled bathtub)

Supplements

10 minutes a day - God only knows how much I am spending

Get to bed, lights out before midnight.

Free

I fail at this almost every day

500-1000 affirmations or incantations

Free - 30 minutes

Morning ritual time

Free - 15 to 20 minutes

Eye rest/Brain rest

Free - ten minutes

I probably spend $20 a month on makeup and $40 a month on perfume.

I do my own hair.

I do not go for mani/pedis

I am surrounded by an abundance of coaching - but I do budget to work with a coach every few months.

My husband is an Occupational Therapist who gives the best massages.

If you need some help pulling together a self-care plan that feels, organic, realistic, and isn't all about the money you have to spend, hit me up, and let's talk about it.

If you would like to comment or share your thoughts and self-care routine please

visit this Facebook post and share away!

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Healing is More Art than Science

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 16:46:36 GMT

It is THE JOURNEY of being human.

Everyone wants to know how to heal from trauma with the least effort, to erase their triggers as if the trauma had never been there - shiny, clean, and trigger-free. The reality of it rarely works that way. For most of us, the best we will do is learn to get cozy with the things that trigger, get real friendly with the ghosts that haunt us.

To some degree, we are all walking injured, stacking the ways we get through the day, one on top of the other, until eventually, we can't see the wreckage that scarred us. However, just because we can't see it on the other side of that wall doesn't mean it's not there.

Neuropathways never die. Once a trigger ignites in the fire of fear, it will be our companion, sometimes silent, until it's not, waiting for a spark, a neuron to jump, and you are right back where it all started wondering how you failed at healing when you tried so hard to make it go away. You did all things,

you read all the books,

you talked about all your feelings to the people you're supposed to talk to

AND YET fuck if it's not still there, occasionally hitting you with a sucker punch you did not see coming -

So, you think you failed, still broken, ashamed, and hiding from yourself

maybe resolved to get the healing right this time and try again,

maybe ready to give up.

We want to look at healing as a pass-or-fail endeavor, something you work on until it's done. But healing is more like learning to harmonize the voices of rage, fear, and grief with the songs of compassion, resilience, and a steadfast desire to have a life without pain - healing is much more orchestra than it is something you conquer.

Healing is more art than science.

Healing is learning to tame your demons and retrain them to be more gentle than before.

Healing is a dance with yourself that you often do in your most alone places to the music of your beautifully fractured soul.

Believing healing is a process of putting things back exactly as they were before that shit happened is the best way to get stuck in your pain - you are not going back, and you will never be the same.

This is not a bad thing.

There is a sacredness in your grief, your fear, and your rage.

There is something holy about the haunted echoes of your pain.

You are not less whole because you still feel your bleeding in the shadow of a memory or because you startle and jump in the dark when nothing but your past is there.

In the imperfect reconstruction of your parts, there is beauty in how you have put yourself back together.

Healing isn't just A JOURNEY.

It is THE JOURNEY of being human.

Maybe, just maybe, we should redefine healing as nothing more than learning to deeply love our broken parts until those parts that are broken become art that we are proud of.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan. She is also the founder of the coach training program, The Coaching Guild.

Risk tolerance is almost everything. Devotion to failure is the rest.

Fri, 23 Jun 2023 16:48:18 GMT

Failure as art is brilliantly beautiful.

I am going to tell you the hard, very uncomfortable, super-not-coach-like truth about getting the life you want.

Your chances of getting what you want are directly proportionate to your willingness to take the big risks and ask the big asks.

People who win are people who play - there is no way around that. If you stay in the safe zone, you are going to be living smaller than you probably want to for-fucking-ever.

However, here is the part no one wants to say out loud...

You will probably fail miserably. Statistically, it is almost inevitable.

You will hype yourself up,

shoot your best shot,

do it scared,

give it your all, and then

find yourself on your knees, looking up as your dream takes leave and wonder what the actual hell storm just happened -

and most people will stop right there. They will retreat, head down, back to the safety of who they've always been, and settle for what they think they can get because they tried and it failed spectacularly.

Almost no one gets there on the first try, no matter how well executed the plan was, how well-resourced the effort, or how passionately they wanted it. Almost everyone will try and fail, and their success depends on how many times they are willing to do that.

The key to success is: Learn to love your failing.

Learn to fall a thousand times and get up one thousand and one.

Learn to savor the journey for the doing, not the getting.

Learn to count your blessings and log the lessons.

Learn that life loves to watch you play the game and tends to favor the ones that show up repeatedly, bruised but wiser and ready to go

BECAUSE loving your failing is the highest form of loving yourself.

I know some uber-successful people - the kind of people who have earned more money than most countries have with happy, fulfilling lives. These people all have one thing in common: They do not see failure as a stopping point. They see failing as an opportunity to recalibrate.

These people are the ones who appear to have achieved overnight success or got an unfair share of Divine grace.

These people make winning look effortless.

These people act like they have it all and have it all together.

They are unbothered by the critics and frankly indifferent in the accolades.

They are not tethered to their disgrace.

The biggest difference between these people and most people is these people do not care how badly they fucked it up yesterday.

They don't care what you or anyone else thinks about how they fucked it up yesterday.

These people are in today as if yesterday never existed, bolder, more committed, and brighter than before.

Risk tolerance is almost everything.

Devotion to failure is the rest.

Failure as art is brilliantly beautiful.

Blessed are those who love themselves as they fuck it up passionately without regret AND love the wreckage they leave behind, perpetually ready to start over and fail again.

There are billionaires who died on the bottom of the ocean who would have given anything to trade places with you right now.

Get over yourself, get up, get out there, and seize the day.

_______________________________

Thought Work Can be and Often is Dangerous

Fri, 16 Jun 2023 19:19:33 GMT

Yeah, I said it, and I am going to say more...

It's hard to talk about coaching without talking about thought work.

In so many ways, thought work is what we do most of the time. However, thought work, as an only tool, as the solution to everything, as be all end all of the coaching magic can get toxic fast because although it does work most of the time, it isn't the answer all of the time.

What we do not want to do is weaponize our client's thoughts against them or teach them to gaslight themselves in the name of thought work - and unfortunately, those things happen more often than anyone wants to admit.

Recently at The Coaching Guild, one of our groups spent several weeks unpacking their own thoughts, understanding dynamic thought work, and learning how to recognize and avoid toxic thought work in our coaching work with clients. It is hard to distill all of that into one post but I thought it might be helpful to share the three red flags of thought work.

Thought work might be toxic if it assumes all people share the same starting line and have equivalent human experiences. Privilege is a real thing that impacts how thought work might work better for some than others. I know the dogmatic thought work crowd will want to fight me on that - but I do not care. Thought work lands differently when all your thoughts are infused with privilege from the start, and failing to acknowledge that is harmful. White supremacy is a thing that breeds toxic thought work.
Thought work that makes you question your precious and sometimes life-saving intuition is dangerous. Sometimes "negative" feelings and negative thoughts are important. Using thought work as both a tool and an excuse to walk yourself away from your intuition because you'd rather have a more powerful thought than the one that's screaming at you is so very toxic. Negotiating with or reframing thoughts might just be trying to keep you safe, physically or emotionally, is a recipe for disaster.
Thought work that lets you hold weak boundaries or prevents you from setting boundaries is toxic. Sometimes someone might be fucking you over and that may have nothing to do with what your thinking about it. Sometimes thoughts about things like abuse or bad behavior will and should cause you pain. Reframing or reworking the thoughts you might have about the harmful behaviors is often a tool for gaslighting yourself.

The thing about the coaches who are all about the thought work and only about the thought work is they will read the above red flag warnings and say:

"I would never do that."

"She doesn't really understand thought work the way we do."

"Haters gonna hate."

However, I have worked with too many clients who have been harmed by thought work that weaponized their thoughts against their well-being. Coaching that makes thought superiority the process and the goal, as a solo tool often dehumanizes truly important human experiences. It harms people and leaves damage in its wake.

Humans are complicated. There are no one-size-fits-all tools for every client all the time. Even if there was a one-size-fits all tool, it wouldn't be thought work.

Check out The Coaching Guild.

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Deconstruct Yourself

Thu, 16 Mar 2023 19:41:20 GMT

Deconstruct yourself.

Take yourself apart piece by piece.

Examine every severed bit. Look at yourself closely in all of your fractured parts, each precious but some outdated or obsolete.

Be willing to burn the pieces you do not need so you can warm yourself by the fire of your absolute presence.

Deconstruct your identities.

Take your identities apart role by role.

Examine every severed part of your identity and ask yourself the hard questions about who you want to be vs. who you think you are. Lay down your titles and all your names. Be willing to see yourself naked. Find ways to love who you are without all of your identities, raw, exposed, and real.

Deconstruct the systems of oppression that live through you.

Pick apart every severed pieces of your socialization, your politicization, and your economic stratification.

Examine all the ways you revel in your separateness through baneful individualism, judgment, or labeling. Be brave because this road can be dark.

Stop paying for status. Stop hiding behind groups of like-minded people to shield yourself from your humanness and the messiness of other humans.

Deconstruct your smallness.

Deconstruct your grandiosity.

Deconstruct your attraction to status.

Deconstruct your addiction to fear.

Deconstruct your pain.

Tear yourself apart and quilt yourself back together as art.

And then stand in the primordial goo of your glorious understanding of your nothingness and the totality of your everything-ness and experience yourself as more potent, more powerful, and more you than you ever have before.

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Your fiscal freak-out kink is not sexy. It is not attractive, literally or metaphysically

Tue, 07 Mar 2023 18:30:07 GMT

I want to talk about your genius that might look like crazy.

I often write posts I know might piss people off. This one probably needs a trigger warning.

If you are a person whose most pressing problems are almost always money related, count your fucking blessings BECAUSE you are one of the lucky ones.

You do not want to have problems that money can't solve.

I get it. I have been there.

I grew up in a home where money was always a problem. I have no memories of conversations about money from my childhood where the topic was neutral. There was never enough. My parents fought about money. They worried about it probably every day. Money and survival rode hand in hand. Not having enough was the only thing I knew.

I have jokingly told people you don't know what it is like to grow up poor unless you had to fold down the kitchen table in the travel trailer to make your bed at night when it is twenty below zero outside - while at the same time hearing your parents say prayers of deep gratitude for the travel trailer that kept us warm(ish) -

and frankly, that is not a joking matter. Poverty is not funny. Parts of me will never fully outgrow being a trailer park girl.

I was a single mother for the better part of two decades. My relationship with poverty mindset was probably the most consistent thing I had going. I am painfully familiar with how soul-sucking it is to wonder if the power company will shut things down, knowing I couldn't muster the courage to call and ask for another extension BECAUSE I bought groceries with what was left instead of paying the bill.

Money problems are a bitch, but they aren't the worst.

Make no mistake: money problems are the problems of the privileged.

You do not want to face the shit writing checks will never fix - trust me.

A terminal medical diagnosis

The loss of a child, a parent, or any deeply loved one

The ending of a marriage that rocks your world and tears a family apart

Watching your country crumble in a war that seems like it won't end

A missing teen that just didn't come home

The loss of a chunk of your cognitive function because of a head injury you got in the car accident that wasn't your fault

A tornado flattens your home and destroys everything you worked all your life for in less than sixty seconds

Seeing police officers at your door when your husband is three hours late

The death of a beloved pet...

-- in moments like these and countless others life will throw at you, your money problems will be the last thing on your mind. They will disappear like magic - poof, just like that, gone.

Your bank account,

your bills,

your too few clients,

your debt to income ratio,

your credit card balances,

your big money dreams or nightmares,

the disposable cash you think you do not have enough of,

will not matter.

Sure, having money might make some unthinkable things easier to navigate and that's not nothing. However, at the end of it all, you cannot buy your way out of the most life-altering twists in your story. You can't stockpile enough money to prevent them either.

You do not want life to help you get your priorities straight. That is a lesson much better learned on your terms, voluntarily.

Financial situations are always fluid.

Other things in life can be very permanent.

Additionally, while money might make it easier to solve some problems, you know, like paying the electric bill - money consistently fails at creating sustainable peace of mind.

Uber-wealthy people find themselves stuck in the muck also.

Rich people get dangerously depressed.

Rich people have anxiety.

Rich people are afraid of rejection and abandonment.

Rich people take hits and suffer losses they think they won't recover from too - they experience these things, not because of their money but because money is not a cure for being human.

Nothing you can buy with any amount of money will change who you are. Money will not help you forget where you tried to bury your anxieties or skeletons.

Money might feel like the most important thing - but convincing yourself money fixes important shit is a dangerous delusion that lacks creativity. Money is, in its essence, neutral. It might factor into your experience, but it tells you nothing about who you are or what you deserve.

Look, your attention is finite and way more precious than you think. Making money the monster of your heroine's journey is dull. It is very 1990s. We've all read the book and seen that movie. It is all played out.

This is why money is probably my least favorite thing to talk about as a coach.

Money problems are boring AF.

A lot of people want to talk to you about your financial fear fetish - and when I say a lot of people, I mean a lot of coaches.

More people will hire a coach to help with a money-related issue than anything else. People selling "fix your money" products in any space will always have the largest slice of the client pie.

There are thousands of coaches out there you can hire for your money shit. Many of them are really good at what they do.

I AM NOT ONE OF THEM.

It bores me. Those conversations are never original.

I want to talk about your secret addictions.

I want to talk about peek-heartbreak.

I want to talk about your most painful, dirty failures.

I want to talk about where you stash your shame.

I want to talk about what makes you think you are broken and what tore a hole through your soul you think might never heal.

I want to talk about music, art, and revolution.

I want to talk about deconstructing systems and breaking generational curses.

I want to talk about your ancestors and the things they tell you in your dreams while you are sound asleep and wide awake at the same time.

I want to talk about late-night wild ideas.

I want to talk about your genius that might look like crazy.

I want to talk about all the ways you have too many blessings.

I want to talk about rage and grief being the same things as magic and alchemy.

I want to talk about what life would look like if you let yourself be wild.

I want to have a conversation about feral desires and technicolor possibilities you gave up on a long time ago.

I want to hear the stories you tell yourself when you cry for no reason.

I want to talk about things that live beyond whatever bullshit anxiety you're fondling over your money anxiety.

Your fiscal freak-out kink is not sexy. It is not attractive, literally or metaphysically.

Life is happening on the other side of all your mind chatter about your income - or lack thereof.

Life is happening now. If you wait until you have enough money in the bank to be present for the miracle of being alive right now, you might miss it all in a blink, and that, my friend, costs too much.

That said, if you find yourself obsessing, stressing, constantly contemplating your deep, albeit boring money bullshit because you just can't seem to shake it, that is ok. Just be thankful.

Remember, blessed be the ones with money problems because those are problems that probably aren't permanent.

Look, I am not advocating for the ostrich approach. You can't pretend your way to wealth by spending money you don't have. I am not suggesting you ignore your finances and just hoping your good vibes will carry you to retirement-

-but seriously, wouldn't it be nice to meet up with your money in a civil space, without fear, resentment, anxiety, and mistrust - engaging your money like someone who really loves herself and loves her cash?

If you want to hire a coach to help you earn more money with some secret formula or brilliant marketing strategy - that is not me.

If you want to hire a coach to help you get your thoughts about money or your money vibe straight so money will magically appear in your bank account- that's not me.

If you want to do coaching work to heal your relationship with money - that's not me. You should do that work, but walking you through this is not my idea of a good time.

If you want to do the sexiest possible deep-dive into the freedom of an unapologetically bold life, fueled by curiosity and infused with love and presence, I am here for that all day, every day. I want to go on that ride with you. Let's hold hands and jump in together.

You owe it to yourself to get to know who you are on every topic without the noise of not enough.

Who are you in the spaces of relationship without your money issues?

Who are you in the infinite creative spaces without your money issues?

Who would you be on your spiritual journey without your money issues?

Who are you in a bolder vision of your soul's idea of the best time ever without your money issues?

If you want to explore who you could be beyond money anxiety, and you're willing to come to a safe space to talk about literally anything BUT

your delusional obsession with not having enough, I am here for that BECAUSE I am pretty sure the person you are beyond that nonsense is magnificent. I WANT to hang out with that person.

Eight weeks.

Five 1:1 calls

Non-stop crazy supportive love and handholding when needed

$895 - as always, payments are happily accepted.

Spots really are, for real, limited.

I don't have a lot of empty space in my schedule BUT this is likely to be an ongoing offer so no pressure. Let's only do this if it's a big "hell yes" right now.

You can get a grip.

You know you want to.

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The patriarchy Does not want you to heal

Tue, 21 Feb 2023 17:40:19 GMT

And it is a war for your soul

It's a war for your soul.

After the pain, the betrayal, the disbelief, the shock -

after you go through it, steep in the aftermath, struggle to find your balance, your breath, and yourself -

after the trauma, the processing trauma, the disorientation of living with trauma -

some of us will go numb and fold in on ourselves, comfortably predictable, politely functional but dying or already dead on the inside, struggling to pretend we can forgive - and they will see us dying, boiling silently in a soup of our shame and say, "You, you're a good girl."

Others of us will come to a breaking point of rage, and the sacred heat of that rage will rise like a boundary out of hell.

The lucky ones who can no longer smile appropriately through the gauntlet will devolve into their primordial, deranged phase of

fuck it,

fuck you,

fuck this,

no fucking more -

and in that brilliant inferno, the tipping point, that moment of dropping the veil and looking straight into the abyss of your anger, you summon your strength and begin to heal.

And they will tell you that if you silently swallow your pain and pride, quietly sucking down your suffering, you are somehow winning the game and doing it right - being appropriate and polite is pretty.

If you can just tow the line and be predictable no matter what's happened or is happening, be the good girl, be the strong, stoic woman - then and only then can you be worth something in a system that does not value you.

They will look at the woman who is letting her rage burn off,

who is done with the shit,

who has turned the corner and is no longer carrying the weight for anyone else's behavior or crimes -

and they will tell her she is ugly, mad, broken, bitter, and even more useless than she was before.

But what they don't want to admit about her is she is healing,

she is dying and rebirthing herself,

she is ascending,

she is finding her voice, her strength, her armor, and her purpose.

That woman is fueling her journey with the rage of her grandmothers, and she is done doing anything for him, for them -

she will not barter with her peace, her integrity, or her soul anymore.

She is warming herself by the heat of her fury, and she feels fine.

They want you quiet and compliant.

They would rather burn you at the stake than let you heal BECAUSE a healed woman cannot be controlled.

She is wild.

She is no longer for sale.

She is a force of nature.

Your rage is your medicine.

It will carry you to wholeness.

You are safe with your anger.

Let yourself slip into the fire-

then you can rise

purified, beautiful, brilliant, and free.

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Spirituality should not look like bad capitalist cosplay

Thu, 16 Feb 2023 17:43:52 GMT

Hustle Culture Does not belong in your spirituality

Look, if you are bringing hustle culture to your spiritual practices, you are going to need to unfuck your spirituality if you want anything meaningful from it. Hustle culture is a pile of steaming capitalism fueled by the patriarchy and all your insecurities. Spirituality should not look like bad capitalist cosplay.

If you are weaponizing your spiritual practice to feed your perfectionism, your practice has been invaded by or created by hustle culture. Show up and take your time.

If doing the "work" feels more like a to-do item you have to get checked off the list rather than a warm place of respite and revolution, your spiritual practice has been invaded by or created by hustle culture.

If your spirituality is taking you places that make you feel uncomfortable because you are growing or healing, SO you replace your practice with the program, guru, or $9.95 book, your practice has been invaded or created by hustle culture.

If you think failing to do your spiritual practice correctly is why you have yet to manifest the big thing, your spiritual practice has been invaded by or created by hustle culture.

If your spiritual practice is some pay-to-play, requires monthly dues, or makes you think you need to scrimp or save to do it, your spiritual practice has been invaded by or created by hustle culture.

If your spirituality makes you compare yourself to other people who are doing it better, or you are somehow shamed for not getting it right, your spiritual practice has been invaded by or created by hustle culture.

If your spirituality makes you suspicious of people who don't have money while idolizing influencers or "teachers" who seem to have more than you do, your spiritual practice has been invaded by or created by hustle culture.

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The Ebb is Sacred Too

Thu, 16 Feb 2023 04:22:19 GMT

Don't get too attached to the flow

Life is full of ebbs and flows. Sometimes the tide is in. Sometimes it is not.

Both phases of the tide are profoundly powerful in their own way - and yet we tend to strongly prefer the flow and resent the ebb.

Ebbs are sacred too. There is treasure in the ebb.

There is softness when the water recedes.

If you know the tide will come back in, there is a calmness when life pulls back again -

and the tide does come back in, just as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow.

Love your ebbs with the unwavering certianty we love the beautiful pause of sunset.

Sit with the discomfort of waiting and learn to love yourself more deeply while the world is doing other things.

Hold yourself through the low tides.

Honor the ebbs.

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We have to start examining our spirituality

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 15 Feb 2023 04:46:01 GMT

because many of us are camping out on a slippery alt-right slope.

I was doing my thing, scrolling TikTok, and a video came across my page that forced me to pause. A beautiful white woman was chanting in some foreign – read made up – light language. She rhythmically moved her hands and “pushed energy” out to her viewers. I sat there, watching it, noticing my discomfort, but at first, I wasn’t sure why.

This type of video has been showing up in my social media feeds much more frequently lately, and something about them makes me cringe. It kind of surprised me because I am a Reiki practitioner, and at first glance, this looked like long-distance Reiki. It should have felt familiar, even comforting. It did not.

At a closer look, the source of my discomfort was pretty obvious. When I finally clicked on her profile and looked at some of her posts, phrases like “pure blood”, “ascension consciousness”, and “chosen” were peppered throughout her content. This super-white, super-model-looking woman was channeling a “Starseed language of the enlightened” for only those who were pure enough to be blessed by her gift.

Anyone who doesn’t recognize it isn’t paying attention:
Hitler might be proud.

In recent years, there has been a growing trend of new-age spirituality merging with the alt-right. Even though these two ideologies are seemingly diametrically opposed, for anyone who’s been around the new-age block for more than a minute, it is not surprising. On the one hand, new-age spirituality is focused on self-improvement, personal growth, and spiritual enlightenment. On the other hand, the alt-right is an extreme right-wing political movement that promotes white supremacy and xenophobia.

Those two things are not the same, yet there is a connection. Ideologies like QAnon have merged these two camps for more people than we want to believe. COVID and COVID-related conspiracies became a blood bond for two very different camps.

Despite their differences, there are some similarities between new-age spirituality and the alt-right. Both movements emphasize individualism and self-reliance. They also both reject mainstream society and its values. The alt-right rejects mainstream culture because it believes it is too liberal and politically correct; new-age spirituality rejects mainstream society because it is too materialistic and shallow. Both tend to hold a hard fast belief they know secrets or possess secret knowledge that makes them better or more intelligent than others. Both tend to harbor suspicion of mainstream culture because the mainstream cannot be trusted.

**Side note: Hitler was an occultist. He built loyalty in his organization by selling conspiracy theories. He studied and leaned heavily on astrology.
But I digress…

The merging of these two ideologies can be seen in the rise of “alt-spirituality” or “neo-paganism.” This movement combines elements of traditional paganism with far-right politics. It emphasizes traditional gender roles, racial purity, and nationalism. It also promotes a return to nature and traditional values such as honor, loyalty, and courage.

When you look at the people promoting these ideologies, most of them are going to be mayonnaise white, not just the alt-right political conservatives, but also the crunchy moms and new-age influencers —
which might be our first clue something has gone off the rails.
If the room is way too mayo-white, we might want to wonder why.

I am not going to leave you a list of personal development gurus and best-selling new-age authors that have said some super suspect racist, alt-right shit BECAUSE that list would be long AND it would piss a lot of people off. Most people who will read this post have books by some of those authors and gurus in their libraries.

I have had conversations with a lot of people about public and racist statements from some of the spiritual teachers many of us have followed for years. Often people ask me if I am willing to discard all the brilliant work those people have done over a few low-key to openly racist statements.

The answer is yes. I am willing to walk away from the body of work of a guru who harbors alt-right ideas. We can’t keep pretending we don’t see it because it’s inconvenient. Just because we don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

The merging of new-age spirituality and the alt-right has been met with criticism from both sides. Many people in the spiritual community believe that mixing politics with spirituality is dangerous and misguided. Similarly, many people in the alt-right reject new-age spirituality because they view it as too soft or feminine. However, we can see how traditional Christianity has become a tool for alt-right political manipulation. The blueprint for the new-age to Nazi pipeline is exactly the same.

We have to start examining our spirituality because many of us are camping out on a slippery alt-right slope.
We have to stop assuming the roots of our spirituality aren’t based in patriarchal systems of white supremacy just because we aren’t Christian.

‘Conspirituality’ Explains Why the Wellness World Fell for QAnon

Why I Left Hay House Publishing: Racism, Resistance, and Conspiracy Theories – BEXLIFE

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Blessed be the ungrateful ones

Wed, 23 Nov 2022 19:22:04 GMT

Thanksgiving week is when peak toxic positivity kicks into high gear.

Dear Ungrateful One,

I see you.

I see you feeling the pressure to find the lost things you once felt thankful for.

I see you feeling alone when others are together.

I see you feeling numb, or anxious, or even enraged when the game of the week is to see who can be the most enraptured with gratitude.

I see you bargaining with yourself, soothing yourself, trying to console yourself when the world seems like gratitude is on display everywhere and you feel ungrateful.

Life can be hard.

It can be too short or too long.

Life cannot be what it was a year ago.

Things change, and sometimes it doesn't feel like they change for the better.

Sometimes things get worse.

Sometimes the sting of loss leaves an aftertaste that cannot be remedied with turkey or pie.

On a day, in a week, when you feel like the gratitude competition is rigged in favor of literally everyone else, failure to find your thanks can be isolating, sometimes even in togetherness.

It is okay to be and feel messy.

It is okay to ache to be with others when it seems you're always alone.

It is okay to want to isolate.

It is okay to feel despair.

It is okay to be angry.

It is okay to be ungrateful.

This week will pass.

Thanksgiving day will only be the same twenty-four hours other days are.

It will be no longer, no shorter, no more innately valuable than Thursday of next week or the week after.

There will be other holidays that might be better.

Maybe by Christmas, things will feel easier, maybe not.

Whatever it is, whatever you feel is just as valid, just as real, and just as important as the feelings of the grateful ones.

The grateful ones are no more worthy of peace and grace than you.

Sometimes grace is easier to find in the darkness than in the light.

Shadows might be safer than you think.

Do not judge your ungratefulness.

You are not failing.

You might be fragile.

You might feel fatigued to your core.

But your ungratefulness is not a failure, nor is it who you are -it is where you are today.

Dear Ungrateful One,

I see you and want you to know you are loved.

Blessed be those who feel they have lost what they hoped for or what they once held most dear.

Blessed be the ungrateful ones.

Break Up With Who You Used to Be

Tue, 25 Oct 2022 19:03:08 GMT

Lovingly Lose Touch

The easiest way to have a toxic relationship with yourself is to fail to recognize you are not who you were.

Sure, your previous life events might inform how you experience the world. However, you are not your past and the you that exists today is NOT the same you that existed before.

Most people are trying to be in a relationship with past versions of themselves, constantly cycling through circles of trying to heal versions of themselves who do not exist anymore.

We tend to camp out in the stories about us that others tell.

We ruminate on their expectations.

We hyper-identify with our past failures, past losses, past experiences where we fell or fell short...

...and that hyper-identification with our past identities prevents us from healing because what's done is done.

Yes, you have to heal when you are wounded. Ignoring trauma is dangerous. However, if you're still here to process the shit life threw your way, you are stronger than the things that tried to break you. You are different because of what you went through. An updated version of you inhabits your life now. You are bigger than your demons. Your expansion is magnificent - you just might not realize how much you've evolved because you are too attached to who you used to be.

No matter how long it takes to heal, remember you are not your trauma. Maybe your frailness feels familiar, but that smallness is a ghost. It is nothing more than a vapor without soul. Be your own exorcist.

I get a glorious view of the people I work with because I see them clearly. Often I see them more clearly than people they've known all their lives. I have no stories about them, no shared history, no connection to their pain or failures.

Bold statement, I know, but for real, sometimes I see my clients better than they can see themselves because when they show up in my orbit, I experience their bright brilliance as they are NOW before any of that shit happened that dimmed their shine. I witness them as they are in this moment and without the past they so often carry. Usually, they are so fan-fucking-tastic they don't recognize the person I see them being. I experience them fresh and whole.

Get to know yourself without your stories about who you've been.

Break up with the versions of yourself you used to be.

Lovingly lose touch.

Be you not filtered through the past.

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Creating Beauty Might be the Easiest Why to Find Yourself

Wed, 19 Oct 2022 19:23:47 GMT

You might not be as lost as you think

*This post is being share with client permission. Names and some details have been changed to protect client privacy.

Rey was that girl. You know the one. She was the cute girl. The one with lots of friends and not so many boyfriends in high school. She had a lot of personality and a few extra pounds, and when I say few extra, she thought she needed to lose fifty.

Rey told herself it was because she loved food. What she really loved was eating. She loved standing in front of the refrigerator late at night while everyone else was asleep because she was afraid to go to sleep. Nightmares from PTSD haunted her nights. She tried to avoid sleeping at all costs. Eating kept her awake and comfortably numb. As much as she hated the extra pounds, they kept her cushioned and safe from the attention of men.

Rey met her husband in college. He was everything she thought she didn’t deserve. He was kind, creative, and present. He saw past her broken parts and he inspired her to see past them too. He was healing and liberation all in one heavenly package.

He was her savior in too many ways. On their wedding day, Rey was the smallest she’d ever been. She looked stunning in her wedding dress.

They married and moved to Monterey, California. Rey got a job in a pastry bakery. He went to work for a tech company. They would walk the foggy beach in the early mornings almost every day. They would picnic on the cliffs overlooking the ocean nearly every evening. They mused about their future. Rey toyed with the idea of opening a shop of her own. They were planning on starting a family and all she wanted was to have children that weren’t scarred the way she had been.

Then one day, he didn’t come home. His car slipped off a cliff on the winding drive home and he was gone. Just like that, it was over. For the first month, Rey didn’t remember anything except his funeral and the ever-so-familiar light of the refrigerator in a dark room at night. Five days after the accident on the day of his funeral she was already twelve pounds heavier than she had been before he died.

Six weeks later Rey was wealthy. She had a lot of money. The insurance company sent her a check. As she sat there alone on a foggy beach holding it, she made a decision she barely had the courage to follow up on. Rey decided to go to culinary school as far away from Monterey as she could get. It made perfect sense because she loved food.

Two weeks later Rey was in Florence, Italy. She’d seen Eat, Pray, Love . Italy seemed like the best place to disappear.

Italy was not what it looked like in the tourist brochures. It’s a hard place to be when you’re depressed. It was hot. Everything is louder. The colors are louder. The tastes are louder. The people yell a lot for no good reason.

Her instructor for the first three months of her training hated Americans. He routinely referred to Rey as Porcellino, which means Piggy. She finally quit crying during class, which was often nine hours a day. But she sobbed the rest of her waking hours. Two months after arriving in Italy Rey was the heaviest she’d ever been. When she stepped on the scale it read 109 kg. That’s about 240 pounds.

Then something happened. Rey quit eating and started tasting. She only ate when she was at class. At first, it was a protest, an act of defiant will for being call Piggy. Then it became something else. For the first time in her life, Rey started tasting and I realized something profound. She’d had never eaten because she loved food. She never really allowed myself to taste anything. Rey had been eating to stay numb.

And there she was, in Italy, at culinary school, tasting for the first time ever.

Nine months later Rey graduated. She weighed less than she did on her wedding day. Then, Rey met a man from France, and she fell deeply in love. Falling in love wasn’t on her agenda, but it happened. He didn’t have to liberate her. She had liberated herself.

Food saved Rey, or should I say taste saved her. She learned to honor her desires by only eating what tasted delicious and absolutely nothing else. When it came down to it, Rey had a pretty sophisticated palate. Not too many things made the cut.

The perfect simplicity of a vine-ripened tomato with sea salt made Rey melt. The artistic elegance of a lovingly prepared five-course meal cooked to perfection was better than any therapy.

Two years after her husband died, Rey traveled back to her hometown in the Midwest with her fiance to meet her family. When she walked toward her parents in the airport, they didn’t even recognize her.

On the way home from the airport, her mother did what she always did to celebrate. They drove through Krispy Kreme. Rey anxiously opened the box in the back seat of the car and picked up the perfectly glazed maple bar and took a long awaited bite.

She gagged. And for a minute, she almost considered eating it anyway. Rey was nervous being home again. She was uncomfortable with the awkward juxtaposition of having her new life and new self, in a Honda with her old life in the front seat. For just a moment she was tempted to use the drug to go numb.

She didn’t.

That night Rey and her fiance cooked her entire family the best meal they’d ever eaten. They stayed in a hotel far away from the light of the refrigerator in her parent’s kitchen. They married in France three months later. Her parents didn’t come.

Rey only eats what really pleases her. She doesn’t eat because it’s there. She don’t eat because she should. She doesn’t eat because “it’s time”. She doesn’t eat to numb.

Rey only eats what pleases her, what is truly delicious. By learning to do that, she know knows how to live a truly sacred life. That skill, that commitment to giving herself the best of what pleased her, taught her how to treat herself like she mattered more than anything else. She began treating herself like Goddess.

Rey is currently living back in Monterey with her husband and her twin girls. She always wanted to raise children there. Rey’s life is like a manual for living with intention and attention to detail. She moves slowly and deliberately through her days. She savors every bite and moment as if it were her last. Rey lives every single day surrounded by the good stuff. She curates perfection with discipline.

Rey lives a life that is dedicated to the sacred. She is uncompromising. Every single bit of it is beautiful and delicious and it goes way beyond food. Rey is a hedonist by almost every definition of the word.

Rey is one of the most emotionally and spiritually grounded people I’ve ever met. She radiates a kind of peace and love that is utterly uncommon. She is filled up from the inside all the time. She gives of herself unconditionally almost all the time because she’s got plenty to give. She meets her own needs. She can afford to be generous.

A lot of people think a lot of things about hedonism. Hedonism is almost always associated with being selfish. Rey’s version of hedonism has nothing to do with anything pop culture tells us hedonism is. Rey’s version of hedonism isn’t selfish. It’s generous. It’s sacred.

he·don·ism:

noun

the pursuit of beauty, pleasure; sensual self-indulgence.

The ethical theory that pleasure (in the sense of the satisfaction of desires) is the highest good and proper aim of human life.

I have NOT stopped talking about deliberate creation.

Fri, 14 Oct 2022 17:39:50 GMT

I have stopped following, quoting, teaching, or sharing the work of Abraham-Hicks and several other Hay House-type guru authors/teachers whose work has no foundation in reality or science.

SA Trigger Warning on this video and in this post.

Yesterday after sending out the first installment of my new program, The Master Class, I got a message from someone who was a client on and off for years. I adore this woman. She was writing to let me know she no longer adores me.

She wrote, "I used to trust you as someone who taught Law of Attraction material. You were a source of upliftment and inspiration. Now every time I hear from you, I wonder what happened. I am not interested in getting emails or messages from anyone who would title a podcast, 'The world is Going to Sh*t'. You can unsubscribe me from all your stuff. After listening to your twenty-minute podcast, I am going to have to listen to several hours of Abraham-Hicks to rehab my vibe."

For the record, that wasn't exactly the podcast's title. It was about reclaiming your power by creating intentional beauty in your life but..

...fair enough. My work has changed.

I have NOT stopped talking about deliberate creation.

I have stopped following, quoting, teaching, or sharing the work of Abraham-Hicks and several other Hay House-type guru authors/teachers whose work has no foundation in reality or science.

I have extracted myself and my work from wishful thinking, happy thoughts only, spiritual dogma. I will not peddle teachings that bypass hard feelings, ignores the suffering of others, or mood shames.

Leaving the "just get happy" club was not easy. It was a bit like walking away from a cult - go figure.

I left people I cared about behind.

I lost clients.

I'd read all the books.

I listened to all the audios.

I'd taken classes and taught classes on material directly or loosely based on Abraham-Hicks.

AND I regret that- all of it.

Here is the thing: While Abraham-Hicks might be inspirational, the work is also blatantly racist, often dismissive of humanity, and deeply rooted in victim-blaming, and at times, especially when related to trauma, it is dangerous.

I have told people my sexual assault happened because my vibration was a match for that experience. I never went as far as to say I created it. However, I did take responsibility for being in vibrational alignment with being raped. I did that because I was TRAINED to do it after years of listening to teachings like those in this video.

As time passed, my LOA beliefs regarding my rape probably did more damage to me emotionally than the assault itself did. The assault lasted a little more than an hour. I blamed myself for decades. What I believed was profoundly damaging to me. That kind of weaponized spiritual fluff has no foundation in science, no matter how often anyone repeats the words Universal Law (you know, like gravity...).

All of that said, I believe science supports deliberate creation.

I believe we can leverage focus to influence reality.

I also believe coaches sometimes get a bad rap because, like other humans, we tend to lean into group (cult) thinking.

Quick, quippy quotes like, "Just get happy," are very marketable.

It's easy to sell something that simple.

However, the one-liners and many teachers who spew them cause too much harm, mostly unchecked and unchallenged in personal development spaces.

The fact that anyone is still teaching and working with clients on the foundation of gurus who are more interested in pristine vibes than humanity is irresponsible. It diminishes us all.

When I was teaching that material, I didn't know what I cannot ignore now.

I had to stop.

If that means someone doesn't like my work anymore, so be it.

There are other coaches who will be happy to sell you all the "get happy now" vibes.

If I am too much of a downer these days, and you want more unicorns and rainbows on your timeline than I can dish out, you should unfollow me. If you can't find the unsubscribe button on my emails, shoot me a DM. I will manually remove you from my lists with all the love and happy vibes in my heart.

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Be Your own Religion

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 18:24:18 GMT

Self-care with soul happens when your self-care practice is more than just another thing on your to-do list. Set the bar for how you treat yourself higher than you ever have, as if you are sacred. Be your own religion.

Self-care is not the cure for everything

Thu, 04 Aug 2022 18:21:27 GMT

(I know coming from me, that might sound like blasphemy)

I have built a foundation under my coaching practice by helping clients create sustainable, meaningful, and supportive self-care practices. If you have ever worked with me, chances are very high that we have had more than one conversation about self-care. That said, the idea of self-care is showing up more and more as a bypass-fueled distraction BECAUSE self-care is not a cure for everything.

I used to have to beg women to engage in self-care beyond a haircut every six weeks. However, now, I am hearing more women more often offer self-care as what they are doing when forward momentum is desperately needed.

"My boss is still regularly sexually harassing me. It has been going on for more than a year. Right now, though, I am just concentrating on myself. I am getting plenty of rest and eating whole foods. I started meditation last month."

"I know my rights as a woman are all on the chopping block. I know my daughter will have fewer rights than I did. But I am just so exhausted with it all. I am devoting my time to really being as good as I can to myself."

"My self-esteem hasn't been this low since I was a freshman in college. All the weight I gained during my pregnancy and the pandemic is just clinging to my body. I feel heavy and gross. I am ashamed. My husband thinks I am depressed and should talk to someone. I am just focusing on getting to the gym and working out hard at least five days a week. I am eating super-clean so I can get back into the body I had before. I am rocking my self-care, right??"

You cannot do enough self-care to thrive in abuse.

You cannot do enough self-care to love yourself when all your "self-care" is devoted to being a newer, improved, prettier, thinner version of you.

You cannot do enough self-care to feel whole when your rights are stripped or your safety and freedoms are at stake.

When the self-care industrial complex starts preaching the self-care gospel that a mani-pedi or a new outfit will fix everything, they are lying - and that lie is the message they make their money on, so they tell it a lot.

The seductive promise that self-care alone will cure what is ailing you is often equivalent to lulling you into a deep sleep while the boat is sinking to the bottom in deep dark water. The rest feels good, it might even feel euphoric, but you'll have to wake up and swim at some point.

Restorative, intentional, sacred self-care will provide you with the energy and resources to move forward in your life.

It is hard to:

leave an abusive marriage

find a more fulfilling job

do profound and transformative inner-work or

dismantle oppressive systems like the patriarchy and racism

if you do not have the energy to get through your day without falling flat on your face with exhaustion by the end of it.

When you're depleted of energy and resources, you will absolutely, without exception, stay stuck, mired in the goo of being too tired to give an actionable shit. Consistent self-care fuels you, it might even heal you, but it is not a substitute for taking the action required to make changes in your life and in the world. Self-care alone might be enough to dramatically change your day but not enough to substantially change your future.

Without self-care, you will probably be in exactly the same place five years from now, fighting exactly the same battles as you are now.

Fondling self-care the way the self-care commercial complex wants you to can leave you too distracted and, frankly, comfortable to know you NEED to engage, dare I say, fight for the life you want to create.

Capitalism wants us numb enough not to notice the dumpster fire burning around us. White privilege keeps us sufficiently soft, so we think a massage and a nap will fix our lives and the world.

I know this might sound harsh, but it is imperative that you take the very best care of yourself AND take decisive, strategic action in our lives and communities. An addiction to literally anything that feels better right now in the name of self-care, when it might be time to take some tentative, even shaky steps out of your comfort zone, is precisely where the patriarchy and the Gods of capitalism want you.

Decide who you want to be in your life and then care for yourself accordingly with more deeply intentional self-care than you think you need. Fuel your identity shift with self and soul-care as if your future depends on it because it does.

Then think about the life you want to live and the world you want to live in and get moving accordingly. Take the energy you have stored in reserve and do something with it.

If you don't want to be a well-pampered, but mostly the same, just older, version of yourself in the future, you need to do some things that are different from what you are doing now - change is the catalyst for your evolution, self-care if the fuel.

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On selfies, celebrities, social media culture, compare and despair , and honesty about editing…

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 20 Jul 2022 19:46:48 GMT

You are probably comparing yourself to images that are not real

HIS IS YOUR FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT THE ALMOST ALL THE PHOTOS YOU SEE ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND IN MEDIA AND ADVERTISING ARE LESS THAN FULLY HONEST. MANY OF THEM ARE OUTRIGHT BULLSHIT.

You are probably comparing yourself to images that aren’t real. We all do that comparing in some ways.

I know enough people who are regularly photographed for professional purposes to understand the process of creating those images is tantamount to creating art. It goes way beyond just professional hair and makeup.

Hours of post-photo editing go into creating the gorgeous images we see in print and online. By the time we see a model or celebrity image, probably dozens of people have worked on the image. A cover shot might have as many as two hundred post-photographer hours of editing and artistry.

Consciously, we know the photos are edited. Few of us understand how much they are edited. Our subconscious eye tends to believe the photos as we see them. We compare ourselves to images that are not real even when we don't want to - even when we tell ourselves we don't.

Celebrity photos involve professional hair, makeup, and wardrobe. That is a big deal. Even the "candid” shots you see usually include professional hair and makeup. Those people work with professional stylists daily. Celebrities cannot afford to go out looking like an average person, even though they are. They do not want to land on the cover of a gossip magazine with a headline about letting themselves go just because they went to Whole Foods without enough makeup.

At my age, when it looks like celebrity women in their 50s do not age at all, aging can feel even more like a failure. Celebrity women look like they are aging younger than ever, while the rest of us are just getting older. No matter how well you take care of yourself, aging happens. When I look at other women, I love that for THEM. I see the profound and wild beauty in their aging. I want to be highly enlightened and loving every one of my wrinkles. I will not lie. I am not completely there. I am working on it.

Celebrity culture is intentionally designed to make us feel bad about ourselves, so we will spend money to feel better.

Then there is social media and the photos we see of the "real" people we follow. A whole industry is devoted to creating a social media persona that looks "perfect" or at least better than us - and we know that. We can smell that kind of facade from miles away. We realize that social media perfect can't be real all the time. Consciously we know it anyway. Subconsciously though, a part of us still believes the highly curated, perfectly smoothed, staged, "real-life" images are honest. They are not, but the “seeing is believing” parts of our brain still cling to those images as fodder for self-doubt.

Then, going one more layer in, there is the selfie.

Selfies are a skill - no more, no less.

Anyone can learn to take a good selfie, but not everyone does. As a woman who spent most of her life hiding from the camera, mastering the art of getting a good selfie was transforming on many levels. I am good at getting a deceptively great selfie.

So, let us talk about this photo:

First of all, I am happy to be fully transparent and say, three months ago, I got Botox for the first time. Wearing a mask as much as I do was showing on my face. I started seeing a lot of wrinkles under my eyes and my face was tense all the time. I got Botox on the sides of my eyes and I am so thankful I did. I will do it again.I still have wrinkles under my eyes, but my face feels and looks much more relaxed. I have fewer headaches than before. My crow's feet are more or less gone. It’s a win/win.

Secondly, I do edit my photos. This photo was taken on my iPhone. I change the filter setting to Vivid, which makes the color more vibrant and is much more forgiving for my complexion. Sometimes I use the exposure setting to turn up the light on my photos even more. That one step tends to soften wrinkles. Recently, I have been using the “relight” feature on Facetune to brighten the exposure in a way I can’t with my standard iPhone tools. I do it because professional tools for exposure editing make my skin look better than in real life.

I do not use Facetune to erase my skin or change my facial shape or features. The color-preset filters are fun to play with. I do post selfies occasionally that have been Facetune color pre-set filtered. Facetune has a set of Black and White presets called Grace that I deeply love. I have MANY selfies and portraits of my fam using Grace filters by Facetune on my personal camera roll.

This photo was edited by:

Using the Vivid setting on my iPhone and Relight in Facetune

This photo was taken in my car. I edited out the seatbelt.

I took this photo on Sunday, along with twenty-seven others you will not see.

This is a good photo of me. It is makeup lighter than usual for a pic I might share publicly. I kind of liked the fresh-face. That is what I imagine myself looking like in the morning, well rested BECAUSE I do put lip stain on before I go to bed. That said, most mornings, I don’t look that well-rested.

If you met me in person, you would recognize me. I keep my social media pics current for that reason. However, let us be clear, unless I had a professional lighting team following me around, in a candid photo taken on a fun evening out or day at the beach, I would not glow the way I do in this photo. If I were laughing, you’d see more of those lines the digital lighting edits soften. I might have a double chin depending on the angle of the photographer.

My point here is: Imagery is artistry - and frankly, almost always at least somewhat dishonest. Photos tell a story of a tiny moment in time. At this point, almost all of what we see is either edited A LOT or a little. Those photos are least cherry-picked from hundreds of digital pics it costs nothing to take.

DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO PLAY ANY KIND OF COMPARE AND DISPAIR GAME.

Check yourself more than twice because compare and despair hides in places we don’t like to look.

The most beautiful people in the world are pretty much average people in real-life.

Post your pictures.

Share your smile.

Edit or don’t edit.

Just remember, with professional hair, make-up, and wardrobe AND with hours of expert post-photo professional editing, you too could be a super-model - and that’s a fact.

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Quitting feels like a very seductive mistress.

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 19:44:33 GMT

The problem is quitting might not be enough

I am noticing a theme with almost all my clients recently.

There is a deep and penetrating exhaustion in the collective right now. It is kind of tired that sleep does not cure. The topic of so many of my conversations with people at this point is a profound desire to quit -

quit the job

close the business

leave the marriage

vacate social media

sell the house and quit the mortgage

walk away from the graduate program

stop dating

just quit

I get it on a cellular level.

I am in love with every part of my life. For the first time ever I have zero regrets about any of my current choices.

That said, while my life is rocking, the bigger picture at this point is a steaming pile of shit. The politics, global uncertainty, financial crisis, and human suffering leave me weary. I struggle to stay in the moment when it feels like the world around me is collapsing. I feel the magnetic pull of respite like the moon pulls the oceans.

I don't know what I would quit, but the thought of quitting is a great distraction. Quitting feels like a very seductive mistress. However, at my core, I know I don't need a mistress. I need more space in my life to feel the turbulence and process the existential dread that holds space for me to be a more grateful, present, purposeful, and grounded version of myself.

The problem with quitting anything at this point is that quitting itself might not be enough. It might be a start, but chances are very high that quitting will not completely cure what ails us.

So, we navigate the soul exhaustion with tenderness.

Meet madness with beauty.

I am learning that I have to create a counter-balance in my life for the heaviness that is a part of living in the collective.

I say this with complete sincerity: The perfect heirloom tomato salad and a bottle of crisp white wine might be the antidote for the fatigue I feel at the end of the day.

Fresh flowers are good medicine for a weary soul.

Warm bread straight out of the oven is usually the right medicine for just about anything that ails me.

Listening to the right music can calm my mind and soul in ways no pill you can pop ever could.

A walk on the beach or a candlelight bath - these things aren't extras at this point. It goes beyond just self-care. These things are tools for surviving.

When the outside world is in chaos, intentional beauty is the only antidote I can reliably depend on. I must start making enough beauty in my life to counter-balance the madness. In fact, if I want to do more than just survive, I have to make more beauty than just enough.

But, here's the thing: beauty usually unfolds itself slowly and does require some effort. So, giving myself the time for slow beauty is rehab for exhaustion.

I also realize the stress of being human right now comes at a very high cost, and my body usually writes the checks to pay for it. This means I must consider caretaking for my body with almost every decision I make.

I need to eat as if healing was my first priority.

I need to rest as if healing was my first priority.

I need to be planning how I spend my downtime as if healing was my first priority.

Humans tend to deeply underestimate the time and attention it takes to heal a body operating under too much stress for too long. The good news is, usually, the things we do to heal our physical body are also really good for our emotional and spiritual well-being.

At this point, for most of us, healing needs to be a whole vibe, a permanent lifestyle shift because stress kills, and no one wants to die from stress.

Here is the thing - we can't keep pretending things are "normal" when they are not. We can't expect ourselves to keep producing and behaving as if life, as we know it, hasn't been permanently altered in more ways than we can quantify. We can't meet demands the same way we once did without making accommodations for what this life is costing us.

It is time to make permanent changes to how we live and who we are to heal our collective exhaustion. There is more to life than trying to survive long enough to find a way to quit.

Beauty = healing

Healing = beauty

You know where to find me if you need support.

We can work together to create and implement a plan for much deeper and more intentional mind, body, and soul care.

We're in this together.

My advice to you: Choose Expansion over healing as often as possible

Mon, 18 Apr 2022 20:09:50 GMT

Love yourself madly, in all the madness and smallness with a fierce tenderness-

-then, for the love of Goddess and all things sacred, get on with it.

Unpopular opinion:

An obsession with emotional healing is keeping you running in place with your trauma.

Sometimes we need to put ourselves in park and get ourselves back together, physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

Sometimes things break, and you need to recover.

Sometimes, we will need help to heal what's hurt.

Sometimes a professional can make that healing faster, easy, and more transformative.

However, too often, healing becomes a hobby or a lifelong fixation. That kind of past-picking-orientation convinces you that you aren't ready to move out of your suffering because you still hurt.

Healing has become a multibillion-dollar industry. Many people, ranging from the solitary pain-point fixer to multi-conglomerate corporations, profit from peddling your healing in various doses. They will remind you until the day you die that you are broken.

Your pain is their profit.

But here is the thing:

Healing is not where the growth is.

Love the parts of yourself that cause you pain.

Love your hurt with so much heat that it sterilizes the wounds and clears the disease.

Love yourself madly, in all the madness and smallness with a fierce tenderness-

-then, for the love of Goddess and all things sacred, get on with it.

EXPAND

Expansion will heal you faster than any healing obsession ever will.

Expansion will show you where your heart is still tender.

Expansion will uncover the parts of yourself you didn't want to see clearly enough to care for before you decided to move ahead.

Expansion will force you to rise above your pain and experience yourself as whole.

Expansion is the most unrelenting therapist.

She will not let you repress.

She will not let you make excuses for your suffering.

She will not let you off the hook for not doing the work, internal or external.

She will not let you wallow or falter.

She might let you fall, but she won't let you stay down.

She sees you as powerful and wants you to see your power too.

Expansion will not take your shit.

You do not need fixing.

You are capable, worthy, and worth being loved as you are.

Nothing has to change for you to unfold into your bold and beautiful expansion.

Stop Being Nice

Wed, 16 Mar 2022 18:24:12 GMT

You may have been raised to be polite, but you were born to be bold.

Don't.

Do not take the high road.

Do not shut yourself up or shut yourself down to "be the better person."

Do not think you must say something nice or nothing at all when saying something fierce would be true.

Maybe you should stop ignoring the trolls.

Stop being nice.

Niceness can be a learned coping mechanism for deeply held unresolved trauma.

Niceness is a tool for manipulation or an excuse to let yourself be manipulated.

Niceness, as a methodology for maintaining appropriateness over truth, is toxic.

Niceness in the face of aggression is a license to bully.

Niceness as a code of preferred behavior is a tool that dictates the social norms of white supremacy.

Niceness is a weapon of the patriarchy intended to put and keep women in their place, seen but not heard, polite but opinionless.

Niceness, as an expectation, is weaponized compliance that looks pretty and stays fucking silent.

Be human.

Be generous.

Be kind.

Be available.

Be present.

Be vulnerable.

Be there for others.

Be in love with yourself.

Fall in love with strangers you meet on the street just for practice.

Let yourself bleed because your heart breaks wide open in solidarity with humans around you.

But-

stop letting them bully.

Stop turning the other cheek out of courtesy.

Stop ignoring abuse to appease the abuser.

Stop condoning harmful behavior with your silence and a smile.

Stop telling people to "have a nice day" and instead wish them the day they deserve. We all silently yearn for days that go deeper than nice.

You may have been raised to be polite, but you were born to be bold.

What the world needs right now isn't more nice flavored complacency.

The world needs more upliftment, fierce compassion, bold visionary love that spreads like fire and is willing to fight.

Be willing to offend, agitate, enrage.

Be willing to defend yourself, people you love, and people you will never meet.

Be willing to rage out of love and steel yourself in noncompliance out of righteousness.

Stop being nice.

Here is what I know for sure: I do not want to be remembered as a nice woman when I die.

I want to be remembered as powerful.

I want to be remembered as a force of nature.

I want to be remembered as love that lived in motion.

I want to be remembered by the light of a fire that burns on the fuel of all the nice conversations I never had --

--and that is exactly what I want for you too.

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I think it's past time for a rise of feminine villain energy

Tue, 25 Jan 2022 19:58:36 GMT

Playing it Pleasant isn't working

First, let me say I am fine. Nothing happened. I am not in any particular kind of mood. I am still in love with my husband and adore all the fabulous men in my life - but

I am just bored to death with the bullshit.

I think it's past time for a rise of feminine villain energy.

I am so over the generational patriarchal trope selling the nonsense that feminine energy should be soft, polite, and people-pleasing. I am over the idea that we are most valuable when pleasant.

Maybe there was a time when our willingness to be pretty but quiet, playing a supporting role for the men who financially supported us, was a way of surviving in a society built on the rules men made. However, for the love of Goddess and all things sacred, that time has passed.

We can create our own rules, money, and orgasms - without men.

Men are a choice we can make in our lives or not.

They are certainly no longer necessary.

We are already liberated - and yet still pandering politely to be given our fucking share while teaching our daughters how to avoid being raped.

Women will have to save our democracy because men aren't going to do it.

Women will have to dismantle both racism and the patriarchy because men aren't going to do it.

How do we know that?

Because it isn't fucking done, and it isn't going to get done while we behave like fragile flowers in a vase on a shelf with an expiration date. We have been the women behind the men fighting for their way of life too long.

Our way of life -

That is what I am here for.

I want to live in the ease and safety of matriarchal societies filled with plenty of everything surrounded by beauty, art, education, and sacred teachings.

I want to rest in the security that our peace can and will be protected by righteously enraged legions of women wielding bloody force if necessary. I want to be unashamed in the deeply feminine urge to protect OURSELVES, OUR FAMILIES, OUR COMMUNITIES, AND OUR WAY OF LIFE, not theirs.

I crave a wild-ing for women. I long for a day when women free themselves of the expectations of appropriateness.

I want men to be afraid of our unpredictability.

I want them to sit uncomfortably, wondering where the ebb and flow of our hormones will leave them.

I want to see hoards of dangerous women making dangerous decisions.

I want firey, bold, destructive feminine energy to be fully in vogue, filling the dark corners where subservient placating once lived.

I want to embrace a kind of femininity that uses sexuality as a portal for pleasure or a weapon of war without the constraints of ownership or a corrosive fear of judgment.

Let the men and the daughters of the patriarchy judge.

As for the rest of us, let us celebrate the indiscretions of our sisters like victories on a battlefield that destroys conformity.

Let us hold sacred court together and plot the destruction only the deeply feminine can bring - the kind of destruction that lays bare the wasting bones of the men who thought they owned us.

I want our rapists and abusers to be wondering who will be coming for them, looking over their shoulders, thinking twice before stepping into the light of day or another dark alley. I want them to be afraid all the time. I want them to fear their base nature because they know their inability to control their misogyny will probably get them killed.

Men who are sick in their misogyny do not like women. They are both repelled and attracted to women at the same time.

I'd like to live in the story where misogynists live in a constant state of terror because women have become predator-like in their pursuit of peace.

Women are not the minority - anywhere.

We are voluntary prisoners of patriarchal systems that profit from racism, poverty, and ignorance because we allow ourselves to be contained.

Nice girl is over.

Working and fighting for our share is over.

Let's just take it. Let's take what is ours and what's theirs too.

It is time for our feminine villain phase.

Christmas Quit Me Out of Mutual Disdain and the Holidays Have Never Felt More Joyful

Fri, 10 Dec 2021 18:27:27 GMT

give yourself permission to do whatever the fuck you want for just this one year and see where it leads you.

For the sake of my family, I wish it didn't feel this way to me, but it does.

I'm not too fond of Christmas. In fact, I have a certain kind of uncomfortable disdain for the holiday season.

Historically, this is not a great time of year for me. As the short days get progressively shorter, I do not get the light my body needs to thrive. Seasonal Affective Disorder gets a lot darker than just feeling a little blue. Moving to Mexico did not solve the problem of days that don't deliver enough hours of sunlight.

I also had an awkward, "It's not you, it's me." kind of breakup with traditional Christianity in my early twenties. That does not square up well with our family members who still see Christmas as a religious holiday. I don't believe the virgin birth in a manger story any more than in Santa Clause. Celebrating a Christian holiday feels so wildly dishonest to me.

I think capitalism hurts people, and no time of year elevates capitalism like December. I was raised by parents who frequently couldn't afford to do Christmas as other families did or even do it at all. It trained me not to want things. I spent many years as a young single mother, feeling guilty I couldn't afford the presents my child knew better than to ask for. So, yeah, there is all that knotted into my complicated story about this season.

The holidays are not my jam. Yet, usually, we do what I refer to as performative holidays. I try as hard as I can to bake the cookies, cook the meals, buy and wrap the presents, and sing the Christmas carols so other people can enjoy the show AND I resent doing it more and more each year.

Despite all of that, there is something about this time of year. There is something deeply primal in the whisperings of the wind during this season. It quietly almost demands both celebration and contemplation.

And this year, sweet baby Jesus, this year is one for the books. Two years of the pandemic with all the death, dying, illness, discord, fear, and fighting...

this year is requiring sacred closure with an urge I have never felt this strongly before. This year wants to be wrapped like a baby and put to bed with a lovingness that heals what it was. 2021 wants to be ritualized before we take the calendar off the wall.

Continue reading here

F#ck Forgiveness

Fri, 18 Jun 2021 19:03:50 GMT

forgiveness is Christian concept that is peddled to the masses as necessary closure and a way to gain favor with God.
It rarely works for the would-be forgiver.

I recently worked with a client; we will call her Anna, who was on a dating bender. She was averaging five or six dates a week, sometimes booking two dates on the same day. Some of the men she was going on dates with were nonstarters from the get-go. Many of them, though, seemed to be high-quality potential partners. However, it didn't appear to make any difference who Anna met. None of it went anywhere good.

Most of these men disappeared after the first date. A few of them stuck around for two or three weeks. There was an unusually high level of drama in her dating life, considering how little relationship progress there seemed to be. After more than six months of this pattern, Anna concluded it was happening because she hadn't fully forgiven her ex.

This gorgeous, intelligent, successful woman had started this dating bender about six weeks after her handsome, brilliant, successful former- fiance had slept with the sister of his best man. It happened less than a week before their would-have-been wedding. The break-up was painful and public. Someone pulled her aside at the rehearsal dinner and spilled the beans. Let your wildest imagination roll with what happened next, and you'd still probably be short-selling it.

Anna swore to me she didn't hate all men for what he'd done to her. After hearing a sermon at church one fine Sunday, she was one hundred percent convinced she had a forgiveness issue. The real problem was, Anna couldn't let it go. She couldn't force herself to wish him well and move on.

I hear this kind of thing a lot.

I know it is controversial to say; however, frankly, forgiveness isn't the ticket to getting your power back the way some people might hope it is.

As we know it culturally, forgiveness is a Christian concept that is peddled to the masses as necessary closure and a way to gain favor with God. The irony is not lost on me, that while yes, the Bible talks about forgiveness, the Bible also talks about an eye for an eye as an appropriate method for moving on when someone has wronged you. While that might land you in jail, it is also Bible-approved. So, there's that.

Most people who struggle to forgive feel like they are asked to give the other person a proverbial hall pass for the behavior that caused damage. Depending on the situation and the hurt inflicted, that can feel near impossible for many good reasons.

The good people who preach forgiveness will say forgiving is a thing you do for yourself. They will say forgiveness is about setting yourself free from the burden of anger.

That said, all too frequently, despite all the best attempts, the anger and resentment persist. The struggle to forgive feels like it is in some way a form of atonement for the person who caused harm. Even harder, often, atonement is supposed to be given without any acknowledgment from the harm doer of damage caused.

It is why forgiveness often fails, leaving the supposed forgiver even more traumatized by the process of trying to let it go and move on when they can't fully recover all the energy they left behind with the offender.

This brings us to the witch's way...

A witch will look at a situation that might traditionally call for forgiveness and consider the distribution of energy. By this formula, the only thing that matters is that you retrieve your power, in its totality, from whom you gave it.

It has nothing to do with atonement or absolution. It does not require any acknowledgment or declarative statements or gestures. It certainly wouldn't require you to in any way wipe the slate clean. Energy retrieval means very simply that you do not give that person any more of your precious thoughts or energy.

You are not entertaining thoughts about how you were wronged.

You are not allowing that person to take up space in your head.

You're not talking or asking about them.

You certainly aren't wishing them well, but you aren't hoping they pay for what they've done to you or wishing them suffering.

You take all of the power you invested in the relationship and the ending of the relationship and invest it back into yourself with such precision and clarity that the thought of the offender is entirely neutral.

Energy retrieval is healing, and it is definitive closure.

It is clean.

In most cases, it is simple but not easy.

On the other hand, it IS easy to lie to yourself about how far you've come.

If you still feel compelled to talk about the other person, they still hold some of your energy.

If you secretly hope they get what's coming to them for the harm they caused, they still hold some of your energy.

If you're on the down-low wishing you could rekindle or repair the relationship, they still hold some of your energy.

If you are still avoiding them or their people, you still have some energy to retrieve.

Energy reclamation takes time. However, once you firmly decide to repossess all of your power, the decision alone will get you about halfway there. When you have zero fucks to give about the person who hurt you, you are free to move on without any constraints, fully in control of the energy you once willingly gave to someone who didn't deserve it. Then you are ready to invest that energy in whatever you want to create next.

Remember, how you think about this person and how often you think about said person is nothing more than a habit. All it takes to break a pattern of thought is a lot of discipline. That discipline is worth it. When you decide, dig in, and reclaim what's yours, you will know, once and for all, you can stop your suffering in any relationship, at any point, by withdrawing your power and attention at will.

That, my friend, is way more powerful than forgiveness.

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You Might Not Want to Hear it BUT Maybe You Are Not Really Exhausted

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 05 May 2021 23:04:14 GMT

EXHAUSTION MIGHT BE A SMOKESCREEN THAT HIDES SOMETHING ELSE.

I am painfully familiar with exhaustion. Frankly, I have anchored a significant portion of my work around helping women find themselves in the fog of fatigue and burnout.

That work comes naturally to me because my role there is more like a sherpa than a coach. I have climbed that mountain and found my way back down more than a few times. Exhaustion is a part of the job description for most women.

That said, the problem might not be exhaustion at all. A bigger problem than exhaustion is what I might call the exhaustion bypass. You can eventually sleep your way out of fatigue. However, if you are suffering from a bypass, all the sleep in the world will not fix it.

If you've been exhausted for too long, sometimes we start misinterpreting everything that doesn't feel good as exhaustion.

Dissatisfaction isn't exhaustion, but if you've been tired too often for too long, your brain might tell you dissatisfaction is exhaustion.

Being depressed isn't exhaustion, but if you've been exhausted too often for too long, your brain might tell you your depression is exhaustion.

Boredom isn't exhaustion, but if you've been tired too often for too long, your brain might tell you boredom is exhaustion.

Anxiety isn't exhaustion, but if you've been fatigued too often for too long, your brain might tell you anxiety is exhaustion.

Being in a marriage that isn't fulfilling might feel like exhaustion.

Home, work, kids, pets, parents, and the PTA might be draining you, but you might not be physically tired even though that is how it feels.

Maybe you are actually physically ill instead of physically tired.

When your brain starts telling you, you are exhausted when really what you are is unhappy, sleep will not fix it. I'm guessing you might be able to relate because I do not know a single woman who hasn't experienced the kind of bone-tired that sleep wouldn't fix.

The problem is when you are trying to fix your unhappiness that feels like exhaustion with rest, you will forever feel buried under the fog of it because you aren't addressing what's actually ailing you.

And, as you're reading this, I can hear you out there saying, ¨Sure, that might be true for some people. However, not for me. I really am just fucking too tired to see straight, AND I have zero time to get the rest I need.¨

To which I say, maybe, maybe not. I would get curious enough to explore what might be happening under the surface.

How?

1. Ask yourself many times every day, ¨What do I need right now?¨

Chances are high, the first answer you will get will be SLEEP. However, if you keep inquiring with yourself, you may eventually find your way into the heart of the matter.

Maybe you need alone time.

Maybe you need downtime in nature.

Maybe you need to call a friend or have coffee with your sister.

Practice asking yourself what you need every two waking hours for two weeks. I can almost promise you that you will get some internal guidance eventually, which will start a healing process you don't expect.

2. Do a tolerations inventory.

Sit down with pen and paper and write a list of every single thing you are tolerating. As tolerations start to build, it can begin reading as exhaustion real quick. The distance between where you are and where you want to be an almost always be measured in tolerations.

Tolerations, both huge and tiny, have an impact on how you experience life satisfaction. You might be tolerating riding around in a messy car that has a check engine light on. You might be tolerating the pile of mail that stacks up on that table where everything else is stacked up. You might be tolerating a relationship with a partner you don't fully trust.

Whatever you tolerate will make you feel physically drained when it is actually a mental game.

Make your tolerations list ruthlessly. It might take you a few days to get it all on paper. Then get to work creating freedom by eliminating tolerations. With every toleration you manage, you will reclaim the energy that toleration has been costing you. It won't take long before you notice the effort that it takes is relieving your exhaustion.

3. Give yourself a different kind of rest.

Try meditation or brain rest consistently and see if it makes a difference. We all know the benefits of meditation. Most high-performers I know meditated daily, some more than once a day. People who are exhausted often say they can't meditate. Most of those people don't actually try.

The science on meditation is indisputable. It is good for almost everything that ails almost everyone. However, it is 100% ineffective if you do not do it. It takes upwards of three weeks to start experiencing the benefits of the practice. So, start meditating and stick with it.

As an alternative or supplementation to meditation, you might consider brain rest. Some might call it eye rest. Eye rest is exactly what it sounds like it would be. Give yourself 10-30 minutes a day to sit and do nothing.

No TV

No music

No social media

No screens of any kind

No conversations

No list-making

No forcing yourself to meditate or police your thoughts

Nothing.

Gently rest your focus on a tree outside or on your cat on your lap. Do jack shit for a specified period of a few minutes at a time. It will probably make you feel like crawling out of your skin for the first few attempts. However, brain rest will eventually give you the kind of space and peace in your head you haven't had before.

Whatever you do or don't do, break the habit of accepting the feeling of being exhausted as being absolutely true every time. The feeling tired might be a gentle or not so gentle reminder you need rest OR it might be the great deception that allows you to avoid healing what needs healing.

Taking a nap might be just what the doctor ordered, or it might be the highest form of escapism. You owe it to yourself to figure out what your exhaustion is trying to tell you.

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Time to Re-think Self-care

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 31 Mar 2021 22:36:01 GMT

Merchandizing self-care isn't helping anyone feel better

I am a coach who preaches self-care.

Lessons on self-care are a cornerstone in almost all of my work.

However, I am profoundly aware we need to rethink our relationship to the idea of self-care because it is way more nuanced than thinking a weekly mani-pedi is going to save you from the insanity of being human.

First of all, self-care isn't the answer to everything. It is a cure for a lot of things.

However, self-care will never fix anything when what is needed is community-care. Sometimes things break that one person, no matter how committed they are to their independence, can fix alone. On any given day, a person may need a village instead of meditation or a cold-pressed juice.

An over-reliance on self-care as a cure-all breaks down the very fabric of what makes a community. A generational heritage of community caregiving is being erased in one generation with the notion that self-care is always the antidote to what ails us.

Self-care is often the opposite of nurturing. It is usually done in the spirit of refueling so you can stay in the game or get back to the game of a self-punishing pace. When self-care is used as a tool to extend the lifespan of habits of living that drain us, self-care becomes a form of self-punishment. In that pattern of self-care, the care given is not a gift freely gifted. That kind of self-care comes with a lot of strings attached.

Community-care is almost always gifted from a place of generosity with no hidden agenda. Community care doesn't isolate the receiver from the herd. Community-care wraps a soul in the center of generosity. It is the kind of care that is freely given when a human cannot reach for what would be required to heal on their own.

If you don't have the resources (often, the resource in question is energy) to truly be with your process, no amount of yoga will heal you like a casserole from a neighbor might.

When we lost our house in a wildfire;

When I for real needed physical rescuing from a highly abusive relationship;

When I was in denial about having been raped;

Self-care was not the medicine I needed because I was genuinely unable to heal on my own. By the grace of community-care, I was able to pull the pieces together and move forward.

Secondly, self-care is almost always a privilege AND the privileged rarely understand that.

Try talking to a single mother working two jobs to put food on the table and a roof overhead about carving out meaningful ¨me¨time. After you pitch that idea at her, let yourself be available to be schooled by someone who would donate her right kidney for an hour alone to take a bath by candlelight but isn't going to get it.

No matter how necessary it might seem, too many people cannot take that week-long getaway to clear their minds and reset from stress. A lot of people truly cannot get out on the weekend for a restorative walk in nature.

Almost everyone wants to be able to give themselves proper care. However, for many, the traditionally held notion of self-care is just ultimately out of network, by no failure of their own -

and yet we often blame and shame people for not ¨loving themselves enough¨ to take care of themselves.

When self-care itself has become an industry fueled with product sales, sometimes the only self-care that might be available would be something like learning better thought management or a practice of deep-breathing.

When those kinds of basic and elemental types of self-care are all that's available for someone, it is easy to think that's not enough. I know, as a coach, I have asked clients to give more than they could to a self-care practice. I have also been on the client end of that kind of coaching. It is infuriating and falls painfully flat.

Self-care might be the most important life skill we can master. It has been for me. However, what separates a great coach from a good one is a great coach knows when NOT using the life-changing tools that work for most people. Nothing works for everyone all the time. No tool is absolute enough to be weaponized as a pass or fail test - not even self-care.

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How to Create a Life You Don't Love in Ten Simple Steps

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 27 Jan 2021 17:56:07 GMT

Pro-tip: You only Need to Nail one or two of these really well to completely screw things up.

Listen to Podcast Episode 1 Here.

1. Leverage your happiness against your likability.

The compelling addiction to being liked is a sure way to edit yourself to the point of non-existence in a futile attempt to soothe yourself through external validation. Pandering for likability will absolutely not work, but that doesn't mean you can't try. People are 100% less likely to like you when you've watered yourself down in an attempt to fit in. However, if you keep yourself just tepid enough, maybe no one will notice you, and you can just disappear into the crowd of people pleasers.

2. Prioritize being right over being present

Fighting to be right is a sure-fire way to push people away while failing to prove to yourself you are superior. No one is ever all that interested in someone who can't just let things go until everyone acknowledges their rightness. This is why the "I need you to understand I'm right before we move on" approach is a ride or die path to disconnection and longterm isolation.

3. Make anyone more important than showing up for yourself.

Prioritizing other people's needs until you have nothing left to give is a pro-level way to end up exhausting yourself nearly to death and emotionally bankrupt. Suppose you tell yourself long enough that you can make yourself abandonment-proof by taking responsibility for everyone else. In that case, you will keep yourself too busy taking responsibility for everyone else to pursue your own dreams. That kind of regret doesn't look good on anyone.

4. Living someone else's version of your life.

Let's face it, if it fails, you can blame someone else. It was their plan, right? If you commit to someone else's version what's best for you long enough, you might get lucky and actually forget you ever had dreams of your own. Keep telling yourself that having a life purpose is the stuff fairytales are made of, kind of like finding your soulmate. Running after those farfetched sorts of things might mean you'd disappoint other people. Even worse, you might put yourself at risk for failing at something that matters to you. Investing in your own genius and telling your own story is too risky.

5. Think other people should respect your boundaries when you don't.

If you tell someone what your boundaries are you should 100% put the responsibility of keeping those boundaries in place on them. Don't even pretend you have the backbone to stand up for yourself. Don't hold yourself accountable. Just let the resentments pile up silently while other people walk all over you. This is how you develop trust issues. That's important because without trust you will never have to worry about intimacy. You will create a habit of letting many people in your life while still feeling completely alone.

6. Give up after your first fail.

I mean, you tried once. That should be enough to prove you aren't good enough. Almost no one walks away with the big prize after the first try, but let's face it, failing is hard. So, if you gave it a shot and it didn't go your way, that's going to feel bad. You definitely shouldn't do hard things that make you feel bad. Keep telling yourself if it's not easy, it isn't aligned. When you review all the times you didn't get what you want in life, remind yourself you tried really hard once and blame someone else.

7. Define yourself by your past outcomes.

Never ever forget you will never ever be better than your worst moment. Once a failure always a failure because the past is the best predictor of the future. Dr. Phil says so. Do not cut yourself a break for anything. Just accept the fact that things don't get better for you. If it sucks now, you are better off using your energy to surrender where you are than trying to do better. You know the adage, "No one ever really changes." That's why things mostly stay the same for you. It's normal. Why fight it?

8. Don't even try to manage your focus.

It is nearly impossible to focus on where you want to go when the world around you is a shit show. So, why try? You might be safer if you keep your attention on what's going wrong than if you let your mind wander off to things like solutions or possibilities. Give yourself a steady diet of things that freak you out to ensure that you're not letting your brain get off in flights of fancy or inspiration. There are real threats right now. Perseverate on those threats so you can pretend you're doing something to stay safe AND for sure focus hard on all the reasons you're probably going to fail. That way, you won't be surprised when it happens.

9. Ignore your intuition.

Inner-guidance is nonsense, and instincts are for wild animals. You should always stay on course by ignoring any gut feelings or internal nudges. Other people are usually smarter anyway. You should listen to them. You don't want to be cocky. If you listen to your intuition, it might lead you in the direction of your dreams. We all know that stuff is too risky. You're better off leaning heavily into your intellect. Once you start listening to your gut you might start hearing from your heart occasionally. This should be avoided at all costs.

10. Deny yourself time to rest and/or heal.

For the love of God and all things holy, press on. You do not want to slow yourself down long enough to feel any of your scary feelings. Additionally, you can prove how steely you are to other people by moving on when you really should be flat on your back or down on your knees. Denying yourself time to rest is an excellent way to glean external validation for your perceived strength. If you don't give yourself time to heal, you're more likely to repeat past mistakes. This will provide you all kinds of reasons to prove you were right on your theory about how your past always foreshadows your future.

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Four Ways to Find Some F*cking Zen

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Fri, 15 Jan 2021 17:40:04 GMT

When the world has gone to sh*t

1 . Do not fall into the seduction of numbing yourself.

Find things that make you feel more, not less. When we're overwhelmed, the knee-jerk reaction to manage those overwhelming feelings is to numb at any cost.

Speed-scrolling the feed

Alcohol

Watching Netflix until you're nearly blind

Over-eating

Shopping

Pretty much anything done in excess is an attempt at numbing your feelings.

Self-soothing is a pro-level skill of adulthood. However, numbing and self-soothing are two very different things.

It's natural to want to feel less when your resting emotional state sucks. That said, the fast-track fix for overwhelm is finding as many ways as you can to feel all the things, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

As counter-intuitive as it might sound, numbing yourself only feeds a feeling of hopeless disconnection. It is the opposite of a fix for overwhelm. Staying connected to what's happening emotionally allows you to process your feelings in real-time. It prevents you from stockpiling your anxiety.

Trust me: You do not want to be saving your anxiety for later. Stockpiled anxiety tends to morph into something even uglier.

2. Your body needs to detox -

probably every day.

Chances are very high you are living in a state of adrenaline on overdrive.

Adrenaline is a powerful hormone intended to be dispersed in small doses occasionally. Most of us have been living in a heightened adrenaline state for months now. Adrenaline overload syndrome is a real thing.

The effects of prolonged excess adrenaline in the body are staggering and dangerous. Unchecked, adrenaline overload will do damage.

It lowers your immune system response.

It can shift your sleep cycles in ways that are difficult to reverse.

It binds cells in your heart and lungs that causing them to function less optimally.

It has long-term impacts on emotional health and changes the functioning of your brain.

The list goes on.

Adrenaline is one of the most potent hormones in the human body. Detox is incredibly important.

Drink more water.

Sleep more hours a day.

Eat the best quality food that's available to you.

Get out in nature.

Get some gentle exercise.

Breathe often and deeply.

However, you do it daily. Take detox seriously. Your body needs it, and it will thank you.

3. Trust your anger.

Depend on your tenderness.

Women are shamed for their anger. Truth be told, men are also.

However, anger is a reflex. It's instinct. It's a raw and visceral part of being human. Trying to control or repress an emotional reflex is ill-advised and causes harm.

You can trust your anger. Your anger is a voice from your intuition. Your anger is an anchor for your boundaries. Your anger is a direct connection to your essential core truth. Let yourself rage if you need to. Anger purges.

However, we are also shamed for our tenderness. Tender is considered a weakness. In times like these, though, tenderness is a super-power. Tenderness is not an antidote for anger. Tenderness is anger's quiet but powerful sibling.

You can trust your tears. You are safe in your softness. Let your heart bleed. Healing is tender.

4. Give yourself a little or a lot of everything you think you need.

The distance between surviving and thriving is more.

If you think you need a twenty-minute nap to get through the day, give yourself an hour.

If you think you need eat a healthy salad for lunch because you're feeling sluggish, clear the shelves of the Oreos and get your ass to the farmers market for more than just lettuce.

If you think you need to take a day off work to give yourself a damn break, find a way to take a four-day weekend.

If you think you need a hug from your sister, find a way to spend the afternoon with her (maybe virtually).

Whatever you're giving yourself right now probably isn't enough.

When you are in crisis, you will instinctively navigate your decision-making with survival as the compass. Survival-based decision-making is always about the bare minimum required to get through the day. However, you can't actually survive in survival mode forever. Eventually, it will starve you.

When you're thirsting to death in the desert, if someone offers you a spoonful of water, you'll take it. However, in the long haul, that spoonful of water isn't going to be enough to keep you from dying from thirst.

Whatever you think you need, give yourself more, probably a lot more. Start now. Swing wildly in the other direction and indulge. Indulgence is the cure for survival mode.

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Sensory Self-care is Your Right Now Key to Sanity

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Fri, 18 Dec 2020 06:31:55 GMT

Listen to the podcast by clicking right here.

I had a routine-ish doctor's appointment on Saturday. Before agreeing to this appointment, I quizzed the doctor longer than what was probably appropriate about their COVID protocols. She told me she's not seeing patients in her office who are sick, and they have installed a hospital-grade air purifying system. She assured me all of her staff are tested weekly and everyone entering the building has to go through "at the door safety protocols," including temp checks, foot bath, hand sanitizing, and a mask inspection. Anyone wearing a mask that is not fitted correctly or not providing sufficient coverage would not come in.

We roll up to the office. I suit myself up for virus warfare like a hazmat pro. You know, better than N95 rated mask, face shield, gloves, the works. I get through the safety station at the door, check myself in, and take a seat. It takes about thirty seconds for me to realize I'm gasping for air.

As I'm trying to center myself by counting my labored breaths, the next properly-masked patient who checks in sits as close to me as the not quite six feet apart chairs will allow. I close my eyes in a further attempt to calm myself as I count my breaths. All of my senses go on overdrive. I can smell the lidocaine in the dentist's office next door. It makes me nauseous.

Then it happened. I hear it. "Yum...". As I open my eyes to look around, I see a staff member behind the desk who'd pulled down her mask to take a sip of tea. She seems very satisfied. The room starts to spin.

I bolt to the door. I can't get out because the staff locks the doors to ensure no one can skate by safety protocols. I'm stuck for a total of maybe fifteen seconds. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room knows by that point it's mission-critical to get me out.

When I make it back to the car, my rational husband tries to convince me to go back in. I refuse. As tears start to leak, he walks me through some deep breathing before we pull away to be consoled by Starbucks.

To be clear, I never had an anxiety attack before COVID. This happened once before when I had to get my Mexican Visa renewed at the border. Not so coincidentally, that was also the only time I wore a face shield. Maybe face shields are not my jam.

This is Mexico. Things roll a little differently here. By the time I had a mocha in hand, the Dr. had texted me, assuring me that if I came back, she would personally escort me directly to the patient room. She did just that. Doc met me at the door to walk me to a room impromptu set up with aromatherapy. I took off the face shield and realized I could breathe through my mask. The Doctor extra disinfected me with some kind of special spay and handed me homeopathic anxiety pills on my way out the door.

Good times...

Some people live with anxiety attacks lurking in the background every day. I don't. What happened in that office was one part face shield and one part nervous system blow out.

Sermons on self-care are everywhere right now. I've given more than a few in the last few days alone myself. However, sometimes even self-care as we've known it before feels like too much, just another to do, often one more thing we feel like we're failing.

Traditional self-care is so 2019.

Nervous system care is where it's at now.

Nervous system self-care could characterize as sensory self-care.

Your nervous system will usually settle into a smooth and predictable rhythm if you curate experiences with care and attention to your sensory experiences.

Sensory self-care also changes your brain chemistry in a red hot second. Sensory self-care is all about pleasure in small bite-sized chunks. Pleasure lights up the same reward centers in the brain the happiness does. Pleasure tricks the brain into producing happy, feel-good chemicals. Sensory self-care changes both your neurochemistry and your biochemistry.

I can change myself and my experience in any moment by tinkering with how my senses are perceiving my environment.

Where can I focus my sense of touch on something that soothes?

How can I surround myself with pleasant and relaxing scents?

How can I distract myself with tastes that delight?

Can I make it look more beautiful?

Can I train my attention to sounds that soothe me?

There are a thousand ways to cushion your senses in every experience. The trick is you've got to start working the sensory systems.

What if I'd meditated for a few minutes before we even left to calm my system?

Imagine if I'd put a few drops of some delicious essential oil under my nose before I put on that mask.

Maybe I could have worn a lovely smooth silk scarf instead of a face shield.

I could have worn headphones, listening to some classical music.

I might have chewed a piece of cinnamon gum.

I should have texted some of my sunset beach photos who's asked if she can paint them.

We have more moment to moment influence over our environment than most of us want to leverage. It takes planning and effort, but it's worth it. We tend to think the big picture determines satisfaction or dissatisfaction. We focus on what's happening in broad strokes. We're taught to live that way.

However, the power is in the details. Organizing your time, experiences, and spaces around sensory care, will revolutionize your quality of life, especially when your nervous system is strained - and for many of us, that's almost all the time.

Sensory care is more way of life than something you "have to do". It becomes a way or orienting your focus and effortlessly reorganizes your priorities. If you start planning your moments through the lens of the senses, you will have more control over the dial on your nervous system than you've ever had before.

Toolbox:

Music

Nature sounds

Incense

Candles

Essential oils

Flowers

Art

Gum

Tea

Chocolate

Lollipops :)

Cooling mints

Mala beads

Soft scarves

Smooth fabrics

Hoodie sweatshirts

Headphones

Sunglasses

Weighted blankets

Meditation

Bathes

Nature

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When Thought-work goes terribly wrong

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 01:42:04 GMT

There is no one magic way of thinking thoughts that fixes everything.

This story is being shared 100% with my client's permission.

We will call her Amanda.

Amanda is a bright, gorgeous, accomplished woman. She is professionally successful. She lights up a room when she walks in.

Amanda was madly in love with her husband and worked hard to be fully present in her marriage. She was training for a half-marathon and planning a month-long trip to Europe to see Mike's family after the first of the year. Life was precisely the way she'd hoped it would be...

until she started noticing something inside her bubbling up. Amanda and Mike were married for almost five years when Mike changed jobs. At his new company, a woman who was probably ten years younger than him immediately laid claim to Mike as her mentor. Amanda felt it instantly. She didn't like this woman. However, Mike seemed to like her quite a bit. He was flattered by her attention.

Amanda didn't like feeling the way she did. So she put those feelings to bed after discussing it with her coach. Her coach helped her see clearly that her thoughts about this woman and the situation made her feel the way she did. Her thoughts were making her feel jealous and insecure. Amanda needed to take responsibility for her thoughts and adopt a different way of thinking about Mike and this woman.

Amanda started practicing new thoughts like, "Mike is smart and talented. He is professionally in demand. That is good news for our future together. I have nothing to be worried about because this man loves me." She continued planning that European vacation to see family and added in a couple of extra very romantic stops.

Eventually, the noise in her head calmed to almost nothing, and Amanda's anxiety wained. Even as Mike started spending more time with this woman, occasionally taking calls from her in the evenings, and every once in awhile meeting her in the office on the weekend to work on projects, Amanda did her thought work and didn't let herself get off the rails...

until one day, when Amanda was going through credit card statements, she realized Mike was buying lunch for two regularly. At first, he played it off like he was lunching with clients. However, eventually, he admitted he was having lunch with his mentee quite frequently.

Mike was offended that Amanda was upset. He couldn't understand why she didn't trust him. Work is work and nothing more. He was simply trying to be professionally supportive to her. Mentorship was a part of his job. Amanda wanted to believe him. She later admitted to me he pushed her to the floor that night when he was angry. She told herself it was her fault for pressuring him too much. She knew she seemed irrational.

Amanda discussed the lunches with her coach. Her coach told her she was choosing to feel bad. The coach helped her understand Mike could not be responsible for her feelings.

It took some time, but eventually, Amanda realized it was her thoughts about these lunches, causing her pain. There was no concrete reason to think he was unfaithful. Amanda realized once again, her thoughts, at times, made her feel, and act insecure. She loved Mike and didn't want to do damage their relationship by acting out with her insecurity. She needed to take responsibility for the thoughts that were causing her pain.

It took a lot of effort, but Amanda did the thought work. She felt better about herself after adopting some newly minted thoughts that brought her into her power. Amanda got her haircut and bought some new lingerie. She up-leveled her game in several key areas. She got back on track. Amanda got a promotion at work and felt closer to Mike than she had in a long time...

until three months later, Amanda realized the lingerie had been a smashing success. She was pregnant. She was excited to tell Mike. She felt like it was the right time to start a family. However, over dinner, when Amanda shared the joyful news, Mike was less than thrilled. He was angry and accusatory. While it wasn't true, he believed she'd gotten pregnant on purpose. It wasn't in Mike's plans at the moment to become a parent.

He said he needed to clear his head. Mike got up from the table and stormed out of the house. He was gone for several hours. Amanda had a feeling, and it gnawed at her. In her gut, she just knew he was with that woman. However, when he came home after midnight and climbed into bed with her, she decided not to confront him. Amanda knew what to do. She needed to do her thought work.

So she did.

She worked her thoughts like a pro.

The next morning Mike kissed her before leaving for work and said, "We will make great parents. I know it." She knew it too...

Until four weeks later, Amanda was walking out of her office to head home when her phone rang. She didn't recognize the number but assumed it was business-related, so she paused in a dark parking lot and took the call.

"Is this Amanda Sterns?" A woman tentatively asked.

"Yes. How can I help you?"

"This is Christine. I work with your husband, Michael. He doesn't know I'm calling you." Amanda froze. "Michael has told me you are expecting a baby. I think you deserve to know I am also expecting a baby." Her voice broke a bit before she continued. "I guess I should say, Michael and I are expecting a baby."

Amanda drove home. Without hesitation or fanfare, she confronted Mike. He didn't deny the accusation. They spent the next six hours hashing it out, talking about how to save their marriage.

Mike told her he didn't believe her baby was his. He explained Christine was also married. Mike claimed they'd only slept together a few times. Mike told Amanda he tried to call off the affair for good the night he learned she was pregnant.

It was only a few days after that Christine also announced she was expecting. He thought this was a desperate attempt to keep him in the affair. Mike believed if she was pregnant at all, undoubtedly it was her husband's baby.

Mike sobbed. He begged for forgiveness. He told Amanda he was committed to their marriage and child. Amanda was devastated. However, she couldn't imagine bringing her baby into the world as a single mother. She wanted to fix her marriage.

The next day, Amanda found herself heart-broken, two months pregnant, and talking to a new coach. The first thing she said to me was, "Please help me do my thought work about my husband's affair. My thoughts are causing me a lot of pain. I guess I'm choosing to feel betrayed. However, I'm having a hard time shifting. I'm afraid the way I'm thinking about this will make it difficult for me to forgive Mike and have the marriage I want."

"No," I answered, "Your thoughts aren't the problem. Your husband and his choices are the problem." The rest of our conversation that day was bumpy at best. She wasn't ready to let go of thinking she should overcome her feelings of disappointment and betrayal to save her marriage.

Some might say she was spot on with her assessment. Some might say that blaming someone else for your feelings is giving away all your power.

I believe that boundaries are a way of creating powerful outcomes. You have to learn you can trust yourself not to take shit if you want to feel safe.

The thought work model is powerful.

Circumstances → Thoughts → Feelings → Actions → Results

It is game-changing and course-shifting. Thought-work can set you free from a prison of your own making in your head.

However, dogmatic thought-work is a problem. It becomes instantly toxic if it is taught as the only path to liberation.

When thought-work is a bypass around your intuition or when it disrupts boundary-setting, it is profoundly disempowering. When thought-work disarms your instincts or makes you think abuse is all in your head, it becomes a dangerous sidestep of reality.

Much like the more radical teachings of deliberate creation suggest you are responsible for every-single-thing you experience in your life because you attract it with your thoughts - radical thought-work, mindset coaching teaches you are responsible for how you experience every-single-thing that happens in your life because your thoughts determine your emotional outcomes.

I want to be completely clear. I am not saying all thought-work or thought-work coaches are radical. Nor am I suggesting all deliberate creation concepts or LOA coaches are radical. The human experience is way more grey than it is ever black and white. Most people instinctively know that.

The bottom line is there is no one magical way of thinking that fixes everything in your life all the time. Anyone who wants to make you believe that might be desperately underestimating the complexities of being human. Not everything you experience can be controlled by your thoughts. Not all of your pain is in your head.

More importantly, sometimes pain is a signal that you're in danger, and the painful thoughts should be heard instead of re-worked. It's not always healthy to assume discomfort should be eradicated with a shiny new set of thoughts. Maybe we shouldn't always be seeking a breakthrough. Sometimes we should be looking for a safe exit.

Thought-work wasn't going to fix Amanda's marriage. Nor did she create her husband's infidelity with her thoughts. However, thought-work does make it possible for Amanda and Mike to create a new relationship that allows them to co-parent in a very healthy way. A deliberate creation practice is helping Amanda move on from her marriage intentionally with a lot more joy and ease than she had in her marriage.

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How to be your own religion

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 26 Aug 2020 17:42:39 GMT

Ditch your Gurus

Big newsflash: What you're looking for is inside you. You already knew that but you might have forgotten. A lot of people profit when you forget who you are.

I have grown very tired of religion that seeks to control. I am also exhausted with new age spirituality that advertises how different it is, but behaves exactly the same way.

A lot of people, "teachers", organizations, churches, and gurus are raking in a lot of money making you believe they've got what you're looking for, that they know something you don't know - and maybe they do. Maybe they know how to market some bullshit better than most.

However, what they don't have is the key to unlocking all of the magic in your soul. The reason you're still looking is because the things they are peddling haven't set you free.

When you quit seeking because you think you found someone who knows everything you need to know about life, your ever-expanding creation, and the pursuit of a relationship with the Divine, you subjugate yourself to what someone else is selling. You stop evolving. Evolution is your nature. Guru worship in any form de-natures you. It strips you of your genius.

Let me offer you a word of caution: Guru-worship comes in many forms. It sneaks up on you. Sometimes it's hard to spot.

In case you haven't noticed, where you are right now is not where you thought you'd be. We are off the map, all of us. No one knows what a post-pandemic world will be like. As we stand in this moment, you might be afraid things won't go back to normal. Maybe you're afraid things WILL go back to normal. You're probably concerned the rest of 2021 or maybe even the rest of your life isn't going to be what you hoped. We've learned some hard lessons. We have some big questions. We're looking for comfort and answers.

People will go back to church. They will roll through personal development books and gurus as if there is someone or something out there that will get us to the other side of the uncertainty. They will look for the next teacher the way an addict looks for a drug.

Don't be those people.

We're rupturing.

We're coming undone.

We're remaking ourselves because we have to.

It might be time to regain control of all of your energy and all of your thoughts.

It's time to be your own religion.

Trust me. You are more than glorious enough.

Ditch your gurus.

Put down your books.

Erase all the programs you paid for but never used that are taking up space on the harddrive of your computer.

Release yourself from the influence of anyone who tells you they have a secret.

Allow yourself to listen for the whisperings of the wisdom of the Gods who birthed you as they blow through your soul in a secret language only you know.

You don't need a conduit to the Divine. You were born out of the vapor of spirit herself. You don't need a decoder ring, a translator, a priest, or your a channeler. Sprit speaks your first language. It's called imagination.

Get quiet. Get right with yourself. Drop to your knees or raise your arms to the sky - but whatever you do, have your own conversations with infinity. No one is more worthy than you are to sit with all that is because you are all that is in a brilliant package of perfection. You are infinity embodied the sacred moment of now.

Don't allow things that are beneath you. Hold yourself to the highest standards. You are are worthy of your own devotion. Behave like a Divine being taking in life with every human breath. You are a sacred relic of the dreams of your ancestors. Treat yourself yourself accordingly.

Be who you want to be.

Walk your talk.

Decide what your rules are and follow them - but only follow YOUR rules.

Quit making excuses for your shit. Unfuck yourself. Stop letting yourself off the hook because you think you're broken. You aren't.

Let go of the illusion you can't be the best version of yourself until you heal, grow, or join another group, club, or church.

You were born perfect and you still are.

Start acting like it.

Spend time in nature because it will remind you who you are.

Spend time in awe of the Universe that is bigger than you while at the same time remembering it is in you. It is all inside you. There is nothing out there. Everything is connected to everything else. You cannot be alone because you are a part of a whole that can't be broken.

Let the sacred flow through you.

Give prayers of gratitude for the things you don't yet have because that is the only way to alchemize your desires into your reality. You are magic like that.

Create rituals that remind yourself who you are.

Do those rituals.

Free yourself.

Take back your thoughts.

Be your own religion.

Do it now. It's time.

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If You're Going to Fall, Fall Forward

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 02:18:06 GMT

And we're all going to fall sometimes.

I'm going to admit something I haven't told very many people.

About a year ago today, our dream of moving to Mexico almost died before it even got off the ground.

After going through an extremely long and highly stressful process to get our house sold that took almost eighteen months, in July of 2019, we finally got an offer on our home we could live with. The path through the sale process had been grueling. Getting that offer felt like the kind of relief that's hard to even describe.

We'd expected the sale of the house to take no more than ninety days. So, we felt really comfortable making a downpayment on our property in Mexico with an agreement we would pay the note in full upon the sale of our home within six months. But you might know the story. It didn't sell as planned. For a full year past our agreed-upon closing date, we made two mortgage payments and held the deal on the Mexico property together by a thread that got thinner as the months passed.

When we finally got the offer and the house came off the market, we started the very intense but truly joyful process of managing the final stages of an international move. The plan was to close the last day in July and leave by August 5.

The day before we were supposed to close on the sale was my husband's last day at work. I'd planned a special dinner out to celebrate him being free at last as a surprise. However, when David walked in the door at the end of his last workday he didn't have the glow I expected. As he was cleaning out his desk at the end of the day he got a phone call from the realtor who flatly explained to him the buyer's financing had fallen through and just like that the deal was done. Sixteen hours before the sale was supposed to be final the bottom fell out.

At that moment, almost everything we owned was already packed into a moving truck and my husband was unemployed. Complicating things the buyer didn't even know this had happened. She'd signed all the closing docs in advance of a trip to Africa.

Through a fit of burning tears, I emailed our would-be buyer directly and explained to her with the least amount of drama I could muster that we were f*cked. Then we went to our "celebration" dinner where I cried ugly tears in public and consoled myself with two stiff drinks as we sat in stunned silence for a long time - while lovely people eating dinner tried to avoid staring at me sobbing. Before we left that restaurant we made a decision that changed everything. We decided to proceed as planned even though everything had fallen apart. We decided to fall forward.

Good logical sense would have probably been to unpack the moving van and send David to work the next begging for his job back. However, falling forward meant acknowledging our dream had come apart and deciding to navigate that fall in the direction of our dreams instead of falling backward which would have meant unpacking that truck.

Before we got home from dinner we got an email from the buyer saying, "I don't know what happened and I don't know how but I will make this work." Frankly, there were exactly zero reasons to believe that was going to happen.

Everyone knows we moved to Mexico in August, but almost no one knew did so, with the house still on the market, moving into a home we were buying with money we didn't have. The story of how it all worked out is longer than a single post. It was a long and winding tale that is worthy of a novel I won't make you read now. The important part here is, it did work out, perfectly, with the kind of precision timing that can only be described as miraculous.

David and I often laugh about it now - because you know, in hindsight it is kind of hilarious. It is hard to quantify how irrational it was to make the decision we did. We left everything and everyone we knew, left our home, and we left the country with nothing but some frazzled faith that things would somehow work out.

Looking back, knowing all the chapters that would be the novel of our move to Mexico, I can clearly see nothing actually went wrong. Everything was being perfectly scripted to get us more amazing than we thought was possible. However, on that day, there was nothing left of our dream but the dream itself. The only options were to give up entirely or fall forward.

A lot of people feel like they are falling these days. Well laid plans are coming undone. Things we thought were working out, aren't. And yet, I'm seeing a pattern emerging in the chaos. While some people are in free-fall, a lot of people are landing in places that look like miracles on the map. Those people who've lost sight of the shore in what feels like a sh*t storm but have landed in something that looks like paradise all intentionally navigated the crisis by falling forward instead of back.

I'm not suggesting that anyone do something that looks as irresponsible as we did.

What I'm saying is:

Trust your dreams.

Trust them enough to take cringe-worthy risks.

Trust your dreams more than you you're afraid of failing.

Your dreams will always have a way of catching you when you think you're falling.

You can lean into your dreams even when it's precarious. Maybe the more precarious it feels the further you should lean into what you want even if it means you will fall - because falling forward might just be an easier way to get where you want to go than the route you originally planned.

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The trauma is real and you're probably experiencing it

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 19:28:20 GMT

Welcome to being human

Yes. You. You are probably experiencing trauma.

And here's the thing about trauma: It screws with your mind and your body in ways you may or may not recognize.

There are many reasons trauma is almost universal at this point. The global experience of being human is f*cking hard. The pandemic, political unrest, racism, economic uncertainty, those things are a shared trauma.

Littered in the pieces of those shared traumas are countless personal traumas, like job loss, or the death or illness of a loved one, potentially even being sick yourself.

This is what we're doing collectively at this moment in history. Trauma is our shadowy companion. It's time we start to understand it better.

There are three main types of trauma:

Acute trauma:

This results from a single stressful or dangerous event.

Chronic trauma:

This results from repeated and prolonged exposure to highly stressful events.

Complex trauma:

This results from exposure to multiple traumatic events.

Secondary trauma, or vicarious trauma, is another form of trauma:

With this form of trauma, a person develops trauma symptoms from close contact with someone who has experienced a traumatic event.

The good news about trauma, (sometimes), is most people can experience a single-serving trauma and work through it on their own to get themselves back to a good place again with time. However, it doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes the human brain gets stuck and recovery doesn't come easily or without help.

That said, most people at this point are not having a single traumatic experience. Almost everyone is experiencing both chronic and complex traumas. This isn't even taking into account hyper-vigilance.

The hyper-vigilance of having to weigh and measure the real-life risks of every, everyday decision is taking a toll. Humans are not supposed to live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance. We aren't wired for this. It's not healthy, emotionally, or physically. We've all been in a state of hyper-vigilance not just for days or weeks, but months. The body and the psyche can only take so much. It's a lot. It might be too much.

This is a very long way of saying, you might not be ok right now.

denial
anger
fear
sadness
shame
confusion
anxiety
depression
numbness
guilt
hopelessness
irritability
difficulty concentrating
headaches
brain fog
mental and emotional exhaustion
loss of appetite
changes in eating patterns
weight gain or weight loss
sleep disruptions
disturbing dreams
digestive symptoms
fatigue
racing heart
sweating
feeling jumpy

When you look at that list, chances are you will see yourself there. If you don't, you might want to check it again, and then check yourself frequently.

You might be thinking, "Yeah, I'm going through some of that but all things considered, that's normal." Which by the way, is the very point. Experiencing the things on that list, or even all of the things on that list is in fact, normal. However, just because it's normal doesn't mean you should ignore the reality that you might not be ok. Most of us are just treading water. Some are sinking.

We are in the murky middle parts some really difficult stuff. We might not see a light at the end of the tunnel for a while, maybe even a long time. We're going to get through this, but this may be the most significant public mental health crisis in modern history. We can't pretend it's business as usual.

Here are the four things that might be most important for staying mentally and physically afloat:

1. Lower your expectations on everything. Go so low you hardly recognize your former over-achieving self. Systems are not functioning "normally" and neither are people. If you get yourself and your family through the day, you are a winner. Plan on being less productive. Part ways with perfectionism. Partner up with deep compassion as a way of getting through the day. Embrace uncertainty. No one has a f*cking clue what's happening or what's going to happen. So, if you're lost, take a deep breath and surrender. All the cool kids are lost right with you.

2. Elevate your self-care to meet the rising stress demands in your life. I'm not going to tell you what self-care should look like for you. If you'd like some help figuring that out, here is a resource. Figure out what you need and then go on ahead and double or triple that. You might be thinking that is unrealistic because self-care would be a full-time job - and maybe it should be. Self-care is the most consistent path to sanity. Unfortunately, when the sh*t hits the fan, self-care usually wanes when we need it the most. Getting to the other side of this intact is going to depend on the investments you make in wellbeing and wellness now.

3. Breathe . Breathe deeply and regularly. You might even want to breathe on schedule. Breathing resets the parasympathetic nervous system to normal levels. Anxiety in and of itself isn't bad or dangerous. However, the unchecked run-up of anxiety, hour after hour, day after day gets very toxic, emotionally, and physically. Regular deep breathing resets your physiology and therefore calms your emotional state. Set an alarm hourly. Take several deep breaths.

4. If you need help, ask for it. Get in the habit of asking for help before you want to. Most people wait too long. You want to ask for help before you lose your sh*t or fall completely apart. You might need help keeping your house clean. You might need some childcare backup. You might need help managing your stress or anxiety. It may not be easy to find but when it comes to getting help, failure is not an option. Needing help is not a weakness. Asking for help is a high functioning skill.

Here is the thing: I can fully admit, I am not functioning at my best a lot of the time at this point. I will even admit there are moments or even days I am not ok. And you know what? That's fine. It's normal. It's human.

For the first time in the history of humans, we are all in this together in a way we've never been before. What I value more than ever is people supporting people. If you need support that I can offer, I am here for you and you know where to find me. We can be human together.

Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

It's Time the Law of Attraction and Spiritual Communities Take a Hard Look in the Mirror

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 01 Jul 2020 18:41:33 GMT

And it's way past time for some difficult conversations.

I have been sitting on my thoughts regarding what I would call a backlash against law of Attraction for longer than I probably should have. I think it's been brewing. For those of us in the LOA Universe, it's been hard to talk about. However, talking about it is probably important.

For me, at times it's hard to talk about because in some ways the backlash feels personal. However, I also understand why it's happening. A big part of the reason there is a growing frustration if not downright anger towards the law of attraction community is because we aren't addressing what's not right about our corner of the personal development world nor are we addressing the misconceptions about what's wrong.

In about a decade law of attraction has become a multi-million, maybe multi-billion dollar industry in its many forms. Gurus emerged and massively profited with promises of thinking your way to millions or your dream-spouse without lifting a finger. People bought books, watched the movies, and filled the stadiums. They invested a lot of dollars and time into the idea that they could have anything they wanted without working for it.

The movie The Secret launched an industry peddling concepts that were hardly secret at all. Stars were born and people were sold on fanciful concepts that in their essence were probably mostly right, but painfully under-explained leaving many people inspired and then disappointed and confused.

These concepts have been around for a very long time. New thought teachers from the late 1800s and early 1900s were writing about these ideas long before the words law of attraction were strung together. Both the Buddha and Jesus taught concepts that run in the same stream. The idea that thoughts become things stands the test of time because there is truth there. But make no mistake. There is no real secret here. No one can sell you hidden magic knowledge for the highest bid.

As an LOA coach, I've made money helping people leverage the power of their focus to get where they wanted to be. I've done the very same work with people who scoffed at the idea of Law of Attraction, using the very same tools. People still get results. The bottom line is, even if you don't believe in the law of attraction, thoughts become an identity, identity shapes behavior, and behavior determines outcomes. While the language of behavioral psychology and deliberate creation might be different, in a lot of ways the processes are the same.

However, when you're aiming for a massive shift in your life, behavior might look a lot like "work". A lot of people are drawn to deliberate creation because they are looking for a magic pill that will transform their reality without any of that. In some LOA circles "work" is the ultimate four-letter word. There might be a reason for that. A lot of people are working too hard for too little and crossing the finish line too exhausted to enjoy whatever they built with brute force.

I've said it before: If shear working your ass off was the ticket to being a millionaire, there would be a lot more of them. I'd be one. I used to be a classic over-worker with nothing much to show for it. I don't live that way anymore because I know there is an easier way.

However, that easier way is way more complicated than "Just get happy." The real work of alignment and identity shift is way less sexy than the soundbites the "experts" like to peddle for easy consumption and profits.

Sure, just go get happy sounds great. However, the nuances of being human are more complex than that AND that is the beauty of being human. Whitewashing the human experience has a very dark side that might be described as mood shaming, victim-blaming, or spiritual bypassing. Law of attraction shouldn't be about criminalizing "bad" feelings or hard experiences. However, in many ways and many places that's exactly what has happened, leaving LOA less accessible for anyone human.

Additionally, the idea that we create our reality absolutely is complicated and at times dangerous. We live in a system of constant co-creation. The questions are hard and nearly impossible to answer. Is a child with cancer supposed to be responsible for their cancer? Did that child create it? In the absolute territory that is dogmatic law of attraction, the answer is yes. The child attracted their cancer unwittingly because they didn't know better.

And to that, I have to say bullshit.

I don't fucking know why kids get cancer. No one does.

Taking that one step further, as a rape-survivor I'm going to have a big issue with anyone who tells me I created my rape. I'm not going to swallow that - ever. That said, I have been told that's exactly what happened.

I once fell down a flight of steps, breaking my leg in two places, requiring three surgeries. Well-meaning LOA savvy friends asked me why I attracted that. I spent way too much time trying to find meaning in an accident and beating myself up for manifesting it.

I was in the best place I've been in my life in a long time, maybe ever, when my house burned to the ground and we lost everything we owned. From a vibrational standpoint, there is no way to say I was aligned with that kind of loss and devastation. I was happier than I've ever been. It was a wildfire. I didn't create that.

Last night we thought my mother had a stroke. I will fully admit I didn't want to deal with the quiet but unrelenting judgment, external and maybe internally about how I attracted another tragedy in my life at this point. My mom is fine by the way. But for more than a few minutes, I struggled with figuring out how I could have aligned with something like that. Sometimes I still beat myself up with that bullshit even though I know better. That's not healthy or useful but old habits die hard.

An LOA purist would argue my point here, but I don't care. Life is more complicated than just me and my mood. It doesn't always make sense from where we see it. No one is to blame for their cancer, or rape, or wildfire AND any belief system that suggests experiencing something like that is YOUR FAULT because you couldn't just get happy is lacking both compassion AND evidence to support that nonsense.

A true LOA purist, (honestly, there aren't that many purists), will purposefully ignore the suffering of others so as not to attract what that person has created. They will justify that by saying that seeing that person's suffering only reinforces the vibration that got them there in the first place. That act of dismissing suffering might even extend to failing to compassionately understand the challenges that minorities and people in poverty experience.

I've been LOA shamed for my activism and political work. As an LOA coach my rage against the Trump administration, my work in reforming police brutality laws, and even my homeless advocacy work, has been unwelcome in some LOA circles, not all, but some.

It's been said that law of attraction works really well as cover for spiritual but not religious racism. While I don't think that is always true, I will say it's easier to get "aligned" when you can wrap yourself in privilege and ignore the challenges that other people face daily when you don't face those kinds of challenges yourself. It's not your fault they attracted that stuff. Right??

And yet, the dogma remains and that dogma ran unchecked for a long time. In the Law of Attraction universe of personal development years passed before a slow but persistent rumble of dissatisfaction, if not seething rage started to rise. I think in some ways the #metoo movement was what transmuted that rage from bubbling under the surface to burning like a wildfire.

How can you have a public conversation about sexual abuse, rape, and harassment if you're going to be blamed for bringing it on yourself with your bad vibe? You can't.

Furthermore taking responsibility for your rape by default feels like letting the rapist off the hook baring no responsibility for his behavior. Instinctively, we know that doesn't feel good, right, or appropriate. But, hey, do it anyway and just go get happy.

The leader of the band for modern law of attraction teachings is Esther Hicks and Abraham, a group of "ascended beings." The LOA community quotes Abraham like a Southern Baptist preacher who quotes the Bible. Abraham's message is clear, "get happy". That's easy to digest and it's easy to repeat. However, it can be very harmful psychology.

I've always felt a bit of an uneasy relationship with Esther's work and channeling in general. That said, I've listened to probably thousands of hours of Abraham audios and read all the books. There is something in her message that sticks even if I don't believe her work is scientifically on the mark - which I do not.

I've watched Esther's work change lives for the better in big ways. I've also watched people, some including my clients use her words to drive their lives off a cliff of inaction and confusion chasing a feeling they couldn't hold on to.

Esther has made dozens if not hundreds of comments that make my skin crawl.

“It is less than 1% of the actual rape cases that are true violations, the rest of them are attractions and then a changing of intention later…”

“As this man is raping it is our promise to you this is a disconnected being, it is also our promise to you is the one he rapes is a disconnected being…”

“We believe that this subject [of rape] is really talking about the mixed intentions of the individual, in other words, she was wanting the attention, she was wanting the attraction, she was really wanting all of it and attracted more than she bargained for and then as it is occurring or even after feeling differently about it…”

“Do you think it would be accurate to say that many of the descendants of some of those who were brought here in slavery are now living in a much better environment than if they’d stayed there? It’s really hard to believe that whole cultures of people could have things in their vortex that would call them to it that would be part of an overall improvement of humanity...Some of that trauma and tragedy that they are wanting to condemn, if you could make peace with it and acknowledge it was the beginning of a journey that was better then the improvement could be yours today, but the determination to condemn it as wrongdoing on whoever’s part you want to point the condemnation toward holds you in the place in not receive the benefit they all cared so much about in that they were willing to live it in order to create it.”

In another talk, a woman asks Hicks a similar question about the Holocaust. “How did six million people of Jewish descent attract such despair and suffering that they endured?” Hicks replies by saying that many did not die because of vibrational differences amongst them.

“For everyone that died in that way there were many, many, many more who didn’t. In other words, it didn’t happen to everyone, so why didn’t happen to everyone? Because there were vibrational differences among them you see. How can that many people have that negative experience? Because you hang around with each other and you talk similarly, and you get a similar vibration going and you dovetail into the currents of things and then inevitable things happen.”

These comments, among others, were collected for a Critique of Abraham Hicks for a website called The Guru Mag. When that article dropped online people talked, lots of people, except the LOA community itself which resolutely did not blink. I consider myself a member of the LOA community. In whispers with friends, we very quietly unpacked what that article revealed. Since then, I've spent weeks researching volumes of Abraham material. Those ideas are not rare or isolated in her work.

These types of ideas have forced me to withdraw completely from Esther Hicks and the body of her work. I will not quote her anymore. I do not mention her in client sessions. I can't dismiss that kind of victim-blaming. Well, I could, but I won't. However, I did use her work as foundation in my practice with clients for years, longer than I should have. I say that because Esther's work is not necessary. I can't un-know what I know about deliberate creation because I'm disenchanted by Esther Hicks.

I don't need Abraham/Hicks to understand deliberate creation. The field of Quantum Physics has proven the observer effect creates an experience. Science tells us a lot about the nature of reality and how we are manipulating it with quantum measurements or observations. Neuroscience and the study of brain chemistry tell us a lot about why we interact with the quantum the way we do.

However, while the spiritual side of deliberate creation and the science of quantum physics seem to merge in the broad strokes, the details are not the same. Details matter a lot. The spiritual community cannot seem to let go of ideas that don't hold water scientifically. When we ignore the science for a spiritual notion being spouted by a guru, it starts to feel a lot like Christianity to me. I couldn't swallow Christianity on faith alone and I won't be asked to dismiss the science of influencing reality on faith either.

All of this said, I'm happy to talk deliberate creation with anyone from the LOA curious to the LOA haters. What I'm not interested in talking about is the work of a few who have muddied the waters with damaging or shady commentary that shames people for tragedy or inspires people to isolate from the experience of being human.

I can't tell you how many times I've had a client ask for help figuring out how they "attracted" something in their lives ranging from unpleasant to tragedy. I can't tell you how often I've retraced my vibrational steps searching in the dark for the same answers. However, I cannot find any way to believe that every single thing we experience is a creation of one. We do not live in a system of isolation.

I know that specific focus creates specific results.

I know that what we observe expands.

I also know that human experience is complicated, nuanced, and beautiful. Not everything unfolds as planned no matter how airtight that focus might be. There is power in focus but magic lives in the unknown.

I don't know where, as an industry or a community we go from here. I do know, change is afoot. One might say we attracted that. I can't say that change is unwelcome because I think it's time we start to check ourselves and find our voices of truth and reason above the soundbites of the gurus who led us this far.

Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

3 Easy Ways to Hack Your Deliberate Creation Practice

Fri, 14 Feb 2020 20:18:43 GMT

Sometimes YOu gotta shake things up

1. Seriously, do something.

I know what you're going to say. "Inspired action is everything." So, if you're not inspired you should remain prone on the sofa until inspiration shows up.

The question is: Is that working for you?

Sometimes the do nothing drill is a trap. Additionally, often people lie to themselves about how good it feels to sit around and wait for inspiration.

Unless you're tired, remaining prone on the sofa for too long is the death of inspiration . The Universe loves momentum. So, doing something, ANYTHING really is probably better than stewing in the doldrums for too long.

Doing something doesn't have to mean doing something you don't want to do.

It doesn't mean doing something that has to be a success.

It doesn't mean by doing it you're necessarily committed to seeing it through.

Doing something doesn't have to mean doing something related to your project or problem.

All it means is that you're willing to get up and out into the world to dance in the magic of life. You're going to get out of your head. You're going to drop into your body and get your hands dirty for the fun of it.

I could give you a dozen very scientific reasons why doing something moves the meter in the multiverse and creates results. However, the bottomline is momentum usually produces inspiration .

2. Resting focus rules the day.

The Multiverse, the field of infinite potential, is a focus driven machine.

And we know this. So, we engage in all kinds of processes and practices to ramp up the feel good and dial in the focus for a few minutes at a time.

You know, the vision board, the meditation, the visualization - all those things are fabulous and maybe even important. However, once you pop out of the creating your reality bubble, if your resting awareness the other twenty-three and a half hours of the day drifts back to noticing life as it is instead of life as you want it to be, you're going to stay stuck.

People say thoughts are things and that is real truth.

However, I would also add, what you are looking at will become your reality .

Create environments that look like where you're going.

Take yourself places that feel like what you'd like to be experiencing.

Spend less time on social media being a virtual voyeur in other people's lives and more times looking at images and websites that remind you of where you're headed.

Managing your resting focus or organic attention is critical to get you where you want to be. There is a lot of evidence that suggests the language of the multiverse is visual. So, the bottom line is pay attention to what you're looking at.

3. It's not what they do. It's what they think.

Learn from people who are where you want to go, or at least in the territory of where you want to be. While that might seem obvious, there's more to it than meets the eye.

You don't need to know what they did to get there. Reverse engineering someone else's processes probably won't work for you as reliably as they did for them.

What you really want to learn is what they think.

How does a person who's grooving in your dreamland THINK on the daily?

I don't want to know the one magical thought that looked like the keys to the kingdom. I want to know how that person thinks in general. That's where the juice is.

Thoughts curate both behavior and focus. Behavior produces immediate results and focus leverages the magic of the Universe. The good news is you CAN choose and practice any kind of thoughts you want. Despite how it might seem, you're thinking isn't happening to you.

The other good news is you don't have to practice a way of thinking for very long before that new way of thinking becomes organic for you. Neuroplasticity basically means the brain is always changing. So, get yourself a roadmap from someone who's already gone there and get in the driver's seat by re-creating your patterns of thinking.

Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

5 Habits of Personal Fuckery to Stop Now

Thu, 09 Jan 2020 23:41:50 GMT

Drop the excuses. You'll be Glad you did.

*Obvious profanity warning. There are swearwords all over this page.

Fuckery Habit #1: Needing "them" to understand you.

Seriously, say your peace and stop explaining yourself. Needing to be right and needing to be understood are two faces of the same shit hole.

Say no without explanation.

Say yes without justifying.

Walk away without making excuses.

Take your toys and go home if you want to. You don't even need to say goodbye. You don't owe anyone an explanation and they don't owe you their approval.

If someone doesn't get it or get you, that is 100% totally ok. Do you, for you and start now without getting committee approval or consensus.

Needing someone to understand is approval seeking in disguise.

Stop it. You don't need a permission slip. You're an adult.

Fuckery Habit #2: Throwing your money at or investing time with anyone or anything that leverages your insecurities.

For the love of Goddess and all things holy, why? If someone is making money off your insecurities OR using them to control you in some way why would you continue to play?

Plant yourself where you're celebrated. Invest in people who invest in you. It's as simple as that. You are 100% better off by yourself, all alone than you are spending even a minute with someone who isn't happy just to be in your presence. When you set the bar at only hanging where you're genuinely appreciated you won't be alone for long. That mood is very sexy.

You would also be 100% better off investing your cash in travel or your retirement than the next pill or program someone is pimping that's supposed to fix you. Seriously, spend it on a nice dinner out or a weekend away. All that stuff you might buy is supposed to make you happier. So, skip to the end and have dessert first. You'll be glad you did.

Fuckery Habit #3: Shitty self-talk

There is just no excuse. There isn't. You're going to want to make one, but all your excuses suck.

If you want to be happy you have to stop talking to yourself like you're worthless in any way. If you're not talking to yourself like you're the most precious being in creation, you're not as happy as you could be.

The first step in taking control of your happiness and wellbeing is taking responsibility for your self-talk. There is no way around it.

If they only thing you ever do is talk to yourself as if you're already who you think you want to be, your life will ultimately turn out just fine. You can ditch all the other goal-setting and working on yourself business.

Fuckery Habit #4: Release your addiction to being liked

There is a beautiful freedom in just assuming no one is going to like you anyway. From there, you don't have to waste any of your precious calories or energy people-pleasing or trying to fit in. You can show up gloriously unfiltered, as loud or as bold as you want to. You can also not show up at all if that's your jam. You'd instantly be free to be you.

Freedom will look damn fine on you.

If you're not angling to be liked, you can tell your truth, walk away when you're done, pitch your big ideas and run with them yourself. When you let go of needing to be liked you can climb out of the box you've put yourself in and notice all of the other genius creatives that also gave up on being popular and appropriate. They are the ones making insanely beautiful art, changing the world, and figuring out how to rage radical peace in the world. They are probably your crowd - and chances are they'll like you just fine as you are.

Fuckery Habit #5: The illusion of getting there

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You're not going to be happier then than you are now.

Getting that promotion isn't going to make you happier.

Getting married is not going to make you happier.

Losing thirty pounds isn't going to make you happier.

Winning the Nobel Peace Prize or the lottery isn't going to make you happier.

Getting someone, something, or somewhere else in your life might be "better" than the party you're current hosting for yourself, but it won't make you happier or more content. Not even a little for more than a few minutes.

The moment is now. What you're having right now is what's happening. This is all there is. If you're not present and appreciating this getting somewhere else isn't going to help.

If this is all there was how would you appreciate it more? It's an important question because newsflash: THIS IS ALL THERE IS.

Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

If you don't trust yourself, it's going to be very difficult to trust anyone else.

Wed, 16 Oct 2019 05:32:30 GMT

Your boundaries are between you and you.

Katrina sits silently on the sofa. She's trying not to react. He's yelling at her again. He's angry with her because he was late or work and he's blaming her for taking too long to get ready. For the record, she didn't take too long. The traffic was horrible. They carpool to work together and it's not working. A lot of things aren't working.

Katrina and Mike have been married for two years. They had a storybook whirlwind romance. They met and married in under six months. Mike is a good man. She knows he loves her. However, after a few months of being married, she realized that her good man wasn't as perfect as she thought he was.

She decided she needed therapy, and she was probably right. Her therapist told her if she wanted to be happily married, she would need to start setting some boundaries.

She needed to set boundaries about how he spoke to her when he was angry.

She needed to set boundaries around him respecting her space and time when she was working.

She needed to set boundaries around what she was willing to do regarding household chores and duties.

So, she did. Or at least she thought she did. Katrina gathered her thoughts and had a series of talks with Mike about the issues she felt they were facing. She told him what her boundaries were. Mike acted like he understood and agreed.

Except nothing changed.

As Katrina sat there, while he yelled at her, she wasn't listening to him. She was contemplating what seemed like the inevitable reality that he would never honor her boundaries and wondering why she'd spent all that money on therapy.

The problem was, it wasn't just Mike.

Katrina had been engaged to someone else before. He also ran all over her. She tried to set boundaries in that relationship that failed. They broke up because he wouldn't quit over-spending on her credit card. He/they were 10k in debt before she called off the wedding. He also was routinely rude to her family. She had serious relationship repair work to do with her sisters after the breakup.

This was a cycle she was familiar with. Her "best friend" consistently overwhelmed her with calls and texts all day long, even at work. Katrina had asked her not to do that when she at work or late at night. It stopped for a couple of days but resumed without slowing. Katrina is an ER nurse. It's a job where focus matters. She'd been written up for taking too many personal calls, but she kept doing it. Katrina wanted to be a good friend. Her bestie wasn't the only one who called too often at work. Katrina couldn't make them stop.

There were many examples of people trampling all of Katrina's boundaries. It was always a problem. Through that lens, it was starting to look like Katrina was the common denominator but she didn't understand why.

Here are the things Katrina didn't understand:

Boundaries are not a request.
Boundaries are not about other people.
Your boundaries are between you and you.
If you can't trust yourself, you will never be fully able to trust anyone else.

Most people think boundaries are about asking someone else to be different and then expecting them to do so. Externally oriented boundary-setting rarely works. When you set a boundary, it should start with a request for a change of behavior. However, the person you're going to hold accountable for change is yourself.

It would go something like this, "Mike, I will no longer tolerate you screaming at me when you're angry."

And then, you know, Mike is probably going to scream at her again - at which point, it's all about Katrina. She needs to remind him she's not tolerating that and get up and walk out on his tirade. Katrina is the one who needs to change.

Katrina needs to tell her bestie she will no longer take calls at work or late at night.

And then, you know, the bestie is probably going to call six times during her shift at the hospital the next day. Katrina needs to turn off her phone and get back to work. Katrina is the one who needs to change.

When you can trust yourself to hold the line on your boundaries, the behavior of other people becomes irrelevant. Usually, people get the drift eventually and they start to conform to the new rules. However, holding yourself accountable for your boundaries might mean ending a relationship.

If you can trust yourself enough to know you'll walk away entirely when you need to, you are free to be fully present in all of your relationships without restraint or resentment.

Katrina and her bestie had a talk about the phone issue. It didn't work. So, Katrina started muting her phone at work and quit returning calls on her breaks. She and her bestie meet up twice a week for coffee. They catch up in person. They are closer than they've ever been.

Katrina and Mike are in couples counseling. Honestly, the future isn't certain. She has started walking out on him during his rages. He doesn't like it at all. They may find a way to work things out. They might not. However, the one clear thing is, she's not going to stick around for stuff she doesn't want to tolerate.

Katrina is learning to trust herself.

Mike is negotiable. Her boundaries aren't.

*Client stories are shared with permission. Names and pertinent details are changed to protect privacy.

Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

But, Does He Like Me??

Tue, 08 Oct 2019 16:39:33 GMT

The least empowering question ever.

I was talking to an amazing woman a few days ago. She's smart. She's gorgeous. She's successful. On the "Is she a catch" index, this woman scores very high.

She's been single and dating for almost a year. She's not having trouble getting dates with dudes that seem to be worth her time. However, she's not having a good time. While she's getting a lot of first dates, she's not getting very many call-backs. Third dates have been almost nonexistent.

It doesn't make sense. This gorgeous woman should have men fighting over her. She should be in the relationship of her dreams. She shouldn't be alone unless she wants to be - and for the record, she doesn't want to be single.

The night before our conversation, she'd gone out on a first date with a man she described as "awesome in almost every way." As far as she could tell, the date had gone really well. The dinner was delicious. The conversation was lively. He laughed at her jokes and she was dazzled by his gorgeous blue eyes.

When I asked her how she felt about her date, she said it. When she said it. I knew exactly why she wasn't finding the love she was looking for.

I talk to a lot of women who are dating. So, I hear it a lot.

"I hope he likes me."

When I asked her how she felt about the date, the only thing she was thinking was, "I hope he likes me."

It's natural. We all want to be liked.

It's also the single most disempowering stance in dating.

"Does he like me?", is the least important question you could possibly have after a date. If it's the question that rises to the top, there are a handful of things I know about my dater.

She's not fully showing up for her dates. She's being less of herself. She's trying to be someone more "likable" or "appropriate". She's watering herself down in an effort not to offend. Her date can't like her because her date can't get a read on who she is.
She's likely to settle for anyone who gives her the attention she's craving. She will be an easy target for players and users who specialize in knowing how to get a girl on the hook with a few well-placed compliments to get access to her bed.
She is outsourcing her self-worth to strangers because she hasn't done her self-work. She is a people-pleaser and people-fixer, hoping to make people like her by making them need her.

What she isn't, is ready to date.

If you aren't prepared to be disliked, you're probably not ready to date.

If you aren't giving yourself the approval you need to be yourself, you're probably not ready to date.

If you don't already know how valuable you are, you're probably not ready to date.

If you buy people's attention and devotion by taking care of them in ways that are beyond reasonable boundaries, you are probably not ready to date.

Not being ready to date is ok.

Continuing to date when you aren't ready, is not ok.

You can take the time it takes to get where you need to be. It might months. It might be longer. However, if you don't, you will be dating in the dark. You will be taking your chances in a dating pool that cannot see you because you don't show up to be seen. You could very well be playing in those shark-infested waters for years.

The two most important questions you should ask after a first date are:

Did I have fun with this person?

and

Did I like them?

If those aren't the questions you're asking yourself after meeting someone new, you need to quit focusing on finding someone and focus yourself.

Being single is better than going through a divorce.

Being single is better than landing a partner who abuses you.

Being single is better than passed over, over and over again, as yourself esteem slips more and more every time it happens.

The truth of the matter is, being single is pretty awesome when you enjoy your own company. You shouldn't be dating until you dig the time you're spending single enough that any partner you choose has to make it significantly better, or they aren't worth your time.

When you genuinely enjoy your own company enough that you're seriously hesitant to give it up, it's probably a good indicator you highly value yourself and your time. Then and only then are you truly ready to date and lined up to attract someone amazing who will be really stoked you put your time in to be ready for them.

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Words are like marching orders for your emotions

Thu, 19 Sep 2019 22:04:30 GMT

Choose them wisely

By: Lisa M. Hayes

A few months ago, I was a bundle of stress. I was anxious. I was burned out. I had too little time and too much to do but no matter how much I did, things still weren't consistently rolling smoothly for me. It wasn't always rocky, but it certainly wasn't always smooth. I was prepping for a move that wasn't happening on the timeline I thought I would. Everyone knew I was a woman with 999 problems because I was happy to talk about it.

Of course, I hoped once the move happened everything would magically be perfect in my world. However, a big part of me knew better. I'm a girl who's spent more than enough time studying brain chemistry, law of attraction, and the habits of human thought. I know better than to think that any external shift is going to fix an internal state.

We talked about it, as a family. We knew we needed to do the "work" to get right before we got to our new location. We knew for sure was we didn't want to take our stressed, maxed out, over-cooked, selves with us.

And we did do some "work". We meditated more. We dialed in on gratitude and appreciation. I listened to inspirational podcasts like an addict looking for a fix -- all of which probably helped.
But...

When our move was complete and I found myself in a completely different environment, I was still a woman with 999 problems, and too little time, anxious about too many things - and it didn't make sense because, at that point, life was fan-fucking-tastic in almost every way. However, despite all the amazingness in my life, I could tell I was still spinning because I could hear myself talk about it.

I would hear myself saying things like:
"I'm anxious about ____________"
"I don't have enough time for ___________"
"My problem with that is___________"
"I'm worried that_________"
and my all-time favorite, "I'm really tired".

Then it happened. I found myself listening to a recorded phone call I was on a while back, and I heard myself say the words, that used to be my mantra. "We are not the kind of people who have problems. So, if it's happening it's either not a problem or it's not our problem." And when I heard those words rolling out of my own mouth, I could feel to my core that I believed when I said it.

So, on a dime, I became a woman who didn't have any problems, or stress, or anxiety - and it that shift was profoundly real.

I quit using the words stress, worried, concerned, problems, anxiety, and tired.
In fact, I committed to quit them cold turkey, (I'm not batting 1000, but I'm probably close).

I stopped saying I was worried.
I stopped complaining about being tired.
I just started noticing myself noticing things going on around me as an observer and I quit using catastrophic descriptive language to talk about any of it.

I noticed pretty quickly my emotions follow instructions like a champ. When I quit telling myself I was stressed, I quit feeling it.
When I quit labeling myself as anxious, low and behold, I was pretty peaceful most of the time.

Neuroscientists and behavioral health experts agree. Modern psychology illustrates that how we narrate our lives will ultimately determine the quality of our experiences. We are literally always in the process of writing our own stories. The words we use are important, but most of the time we narrate our experiences without realizing we are in control of the storyline.

From a deliberate creation standpoint, how we describe what's happening in our lives from a moment to moment perspective, to ourselves, creates our reality. Narration sets your dominant vibration and becomes the building blocks for your future experiences. Language directs focus and focus creates reality.

Bottom line, if you don't want to be anxious, stressed, tired or worried, stop telling yourself you are.

All the "work" turned out to be not that much effort at all. It required some discipline, but generally speaking, watching my mouth has been pretty damn close to a magic pill.

If the words you speak were always prophetic, so powerful that they would always come true, would you chose them more carefully??

The answer is of course, yes.
Taking responsibility for that power was a game-changer for me.

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The Measure of Any Relationship is Who You Become In It

Fri, 30 Aug 2019 05:28:23 GMT

and that goes for any relationship, romantic or otherwise

Gabby had been dating Jake for several months before she really started struggling with it. Jake had a very high profile job with a lot of required "events". He was an on-air news personality in their local news market. Jake was the kind of guy who got a lot of attention from the ladies and he didn't discourage it - ever. He wasn't overtly coming on to other women and he wasn't "cheating". However, he liked the attention he got from women and wrote it off as a part of the job.

Gabby was a brilliant, gorgeous, successful woman. The kind of woman who got and kept Jake's attention. However, as the months went on, she started noticing herself wondering when Jake would be flattered enough by one of these women to cross a line. Her confidence started to slide, just a little at a time, but it was progressively becoming more of an issue.

Gabby talked to him about it. He seemed to hear her. However, he reminded her he couldn't control other people and she knew he was right. However, she couldn't help but think Jake was somehow encouraging it or leading those women on. So, the talks turned into fights. And Gabby started wondering why a guy like Jake would want to be with a woman like her in the first place.

As brilliant, gorgeous, and successful as Gabby was, she started questioning whether or not she was enough. She felt anxious a lot of the time. She was in a perpetual dance between being in love with an incredible man and giving into her jealousy. She'd never the been the jealous type. However, this relationship was making it hard not to be.

Gabby wanted coaching. She wanted to know how to get Jake to see how his behavior was tearing them apart. She wanted to know how to get Jake to listen to her. She wanted to feel important to him, to feel beautiful again, to feel like herself again.

Gabby was asking all the wrong questions.

Mindy loved being a nurse. She loved working with people. She'd always worked in a Doctors office because she really enjoyed forming relationships with patients that lasted over time.

When Mindy took her job working for a local pediatrician she was excited. The pay was a lot higher than average and the office was perfectly located in a great neighborhood a few minutes from her home. The higher than usual pay should have been her first clue...

The doctor was brash. At times, behind the scenes he was inappropriate. He talked trash about the kid's parents frequently. He was rude to all the staff all the time and sometimes his rudeness spilled over into painful verbal abuse.

The environment in the office was ice cold. It felt like The Hunger Games. The doctor seemed to get joy out of pitting people against each other and he was good at it. Mindy met with him to discuss her concerns and he suggested she might be too sensitive for a "real job".

Mindy started to hate going to work. A passive-aggressive feud had developed between her and another nurse on staff. She found herself irritated by the patients and their parents and couldn't figure out why.

She was on the verge of quitting when the Doc announced that despite how incompetent they all were, the office was doing well and if they kept it up there would be a bonus payout at the end of the quarter.

Mindy had been a nurse for a decade and was secretly starting to think nursing was a mistake.

Mindy wanted coaching. She wanted support to figure how how to navigate a career transition out of medicine. She needed support getting clarity on her next steps because she had no inspiration for anything.

Mindy was asking all the wrong questions.

The measure of a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is always who you become when you're in it. Both Gabby and Mindy had the same problem in two very different situations. They were both in a relationship where they found themselves being versions of themselves they didn't like.

The tendency when you find yourself there is to try to get the other person to be different than they are being or to figure out how to be happy tolerating shit you shouldn't. However, when you find yourself in a relationship that doesn't inspire your best self to shine, the question you should be asking is, "where is the door?"

Being in a relationship that makes it difficult to be the best version of yourself feels a lot like being cursed.

Being in a relationship with someone who accepts you fully as you are but inspires you to blossom, thrive, and grow is pure alchemy in it's most glorious form.

When you find yourself clamoring to find a way to make the other person change, chances are very high you're in a relationship where you aren't blossoming - and that's not going to be a lesson in growth. That's going to be a lesson in setting higher standards for yourself.

Spend time with people who celebrate you.
Share space with people who cheer for you when you win and inspire when you come up short.

Stop trying to rehab people and relationships where you find yourself being someone you don't want to be. It shouldn't feel difficult to be the person you want to be.

Dont' just choose you. Choose the best version of you.
Bet on her every time. Be uncompromising in protecting her. The best version of you is more important than anyone else will ever be.

Update:

Gabby took a trip to Europe without Jake. By the end of the second week, she started to recognize the woman she saw in the mirror again. She found herself smiling spontaneously and was frequently surprised by the sound of her own laughter. When she returned to Chicago Jake met her at the airport and she broke up with him before he dropped her off at her apartment. She's not interested in dating right now because she's truly enjoying her own company.

Mindy is working as an E.R. nurse. She's making more money than she ever has because she's willing to work less than desirable shifts at night and on weekends. That's working well because she's re-enrolled in school to become a nurse practitioner. The Doc who supervises her weekend shifts is incredibly supportive and is happy to help her study for exams. She's excited to start her own pediatric practice someday soon.

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*** Client stories were joyfully shared. Names and details were changed to protect privacy.

3 Unexpected Ways to Up-level Your Creation Game

Wed, 14 Aug 2019 20:52:40 GMT

Sometimes you gotta shake things up

Play with a goal that feels way out of range - the Universe loves the unlikely

Go big. Like really big. The Universe does not like to dance with boring desires.

Sometimes when a goal feels just out of reach, but probably doable, it's easy to get caught up in the how it's going to get done spin cycle in your brain. The dreaded "how-to's" can be a real vibe killer. A close-up goal can be harder to reach than something wildly unlikely.

Playing with a wild dream, something you might not actually believe could ever happen can be just the medicine for lifting your vibrational set point and to get you moving in the vibrational direction of other things you want a lot more joyfully. This happens not despite the fact that you don't believe it, but because you don't believe it's doable.

You're looking for a childlike willingness to make-believe and play with a possibility that lights you up just thinking about it. Key word is PLAY. For example, if you want to be a best-selling author, you could spend time playing with the fantasy of being a best-selling author with a show on the Oprah network, who routinely rubs elbows at Sunday picnics with Oprah and her other besties.

By over-shooting your goal with your creative imagination, you are very likely to upgrade your vibration without even know it, moving in the direction you want to go, without as much resistance as you might have if your monkey mind thought it was really possible. More importantly though, the Universe likes to play with wild desires that inspire joyful abandon and passion.

Plan for the worst-case scenario - because let's face it, it could happen

If you're worried about it, sometimes the easiest way to navigate your way through resistance is to know in advance what you'd do if everything falls apart. Sure, a savvy deliberate creator knows better than to focus on an undesirable outcome. However, if you've got a nagging "what if" vibration that you can't seem to deactivate, you're better off to address it head-on than you are to pretend it's not there and move forward with a fake smiley face.

Making a plan for the worst-case scenario usually shuts the gremlins up. It gives you ammunition to tell them to pipe down while you're focused on where you actually want to go.

The unthinkable is almost always more manageable than you think it is when you're hiding from it. You might not like a worst-case outcome, but knowing what you'd do if you lose your job, your house goes into foreclosure, or your marriage tanks gives you a certain amount of control over your anxiety. When you have a plan in place you can move forward knowing that you can get a handle on things and start over no matter what goes down.

From there, with a plan in place, resistance is less likely to get a foothold in your manifesting game because you won't be drowning in the what if's of things not working out. If it all falls apart you might start from nothing and rebuild. You might have to move in with your parents to do it, but you won't die. It's that simple.

Forget trying to be worthy - asshats and slackers often get what they want

Seriously, so many of us are trying to be worthy of the things we want.
We want to be worthy of love.
We want to be worthy of success.
We want to be worthy of attention and connection.

However, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Worthiness is a fools distraction. Lots of people that seem lazy or really horrible get exactly everything they want without getting hung up on an imaginary point system of worthiness. They come in feeling entitled and take home all the big prizes while others are too busy to notice the game is over because they are fighting to prove their worthiness.

Entitlement is way more powerful fuel for deliberate creation than worthiness can ever be. If you're trying to win a worthiness game your basically assuming you aren't good enough until you do more. You have to earn your way into heaven or your dream job. That is not the way the system works and some people already know that. They are the ones that seem spoiled or super-fucking lucky.

If you show up fully entitled you can save your energy to enjoy the prizes life lavishes on you rather than dragging yourself exhausted over worthiness threshold only to learn someone moved the finish line and you've still got more race to run. If you think you're not good enough as you were born, you'll never fully be able to convince yourself you've done enough to get the things you want.

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Case Studies: 3 men who fell hard for a "demanding" woman

Tue, 18 Jun 2019 19:10:04 GMT

You can't be angry you don't get what you don't ask for

Damon fell in love with Keesha almost at first sight and that first sight almost didn't happen. He was late getting home from work on the evening of their first date. He took a little more time than he should have to get ready and out the door. He knew he was probably running a few minutes late, but figured it would be no big deal. They met online and had been texting for a couple of weeks. She seemed really chill.

When he arrived at the coffee shop more than half an hour late he was greeted by a barista who was instructed to give a note to the guy who would show up looking confused.

The note read: Damon, I waited ten minutes. When you didn't show or text, I decided to take myself out to dinner. I'm a girl with an appetite for a lot of things. One of those things is not waiting around for anyone. You've got a great smile in your pictures and I've enjoyed texting with you. You will make some woman with lower standards when it comes to respecting her time than I have a good companion. Best of luck in your dating adventures.

Damon read that and at first, he was irritated by how curt she was in the note. However, before he got his latte he was already suspicious he didn't want to date another woman with lower standards. It took him three weeks to convince her to give him another chance.

On their real first date, he invited her to dinner instead of coffee. He showed up early with flowers. He behaved like a gentleman because he knew he wasn't going to get away with anything less. Damon said for the first time in his life he felt like he understood what courting a woman felt like. He liked the way he felt being that man. They've been together for six months and he's secretly shopping engagements rings.

Speaking of engagement rings...
Andy and Megan seemed like a perfect couple. Andy said he'd never been happier. Megan was great. She was spontaneous, independent, adventurous, and she laughed at his corny jokes. They had a passionate physical connection. He'd never been happier in a relationship.

However, Andy had a personal policy that he didn't want to get married until after thirty-five. They were both twenty-nine. They were together for about six weeks when he told her about his policy. Megan looked at him and didn't blink an eye. She told him she had a policy too. She wouldn't date a man for more than a year if the marriage wasn't in the cards. She also made it clear, marriage in six years didn't count as in the cards.

The next few months were amazing. Andy couldn't imagine being without her. He knew she felt the same way. Although he wasn't ready to propose, he was finding it harder and harder to imagine waiting until 35 to get married.

However, at their one-year anniversary dinner, Megan did something he never saw coming. She handed him the key to his apartment he'd given her a few weeks before. She told him she'd given all the items he'd left at her place with the doorman at his building.

Megan, she didn't shed a tear when she told him she loved him before she walked away after telling him it was over. Andy was shocked and devastated. Given the choice of being married at thirty instead of thirty-five, he couldn't believe he ever thought that five years mattered.

Andy will be getting married three weeks after his thirtieth birthday. He proposed three weeks later and there is no part of him that feels pressured.

Then there is Jason. Jason was the King of the "let's hang out sometime" date. He specialized in keeping things undefined. He had a reputation for being a ladies man and always had someone to hang out with. However, no one could ever really tell if Jason was in a relationship, and when I say no one, I especially mean the women he was hanging out with.

Jason worked with Sarah. He thought she was fascinating. She was gorgeous, smart, funny and she flirted with him regularly. They had obvious chemistry. All of which made it confusing to him. He knew she was single and looking. However, every time he asked her if she wanted to hang out or get together to do something, she said no. She didn't make excuses, she just turned him down.

Even more confusing was when she went out on several dates with Josh from accounting. Josh was obviously not her type. He lacked a certain kind of flare or polish. Jason couldn't figure out what Sarah saw in him.

One afternoon when Sarah and Jason were out of the office to meet with clients, he asked her why she was going out with Josh. Her answer was simple, "I make it a point to go on dates with as many different types of men as I can. You're right, Josh isn't really my type, but he asked me on a date. So, I thought, why not?"

Jason must have looked visibly confused. So Sarah clarified. "He asked me on a proper date. He's taken me out to some really nice places. We've had fun." Then she clarified further. "Jason, I don't do the 'let's hang out' thing with anyone. I don't like that kind of lack of intent. Players hang out. Real men date".

Jason was taken back at being called on his MO. Later he had a long talk with his sister about how offensive that conversation was. His sister laughed and said, sounds to me like you've met my future sister-in-law.
She was right.

Jason realized he was bored with all the women he was hanging out with. So, he decided to man up. He asked Sarah out on a proper date, and then another, and another. When he asked her to move in with him she told him he'd need to put a ring on it. He did.

*These stories have been shared with permission. Names and details have been changed to protect privacy.

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Dispatch from Paris: Lessons from the Trenches on Deliberate Creation

Thu, 30 May 2019 03:45:32 GMT

It's easy when things are going well. But it's what you do when they aren't that will determine your reality.

I have a client who I should probably be paying because she provided me some world-class inspiration for how to get it done when it seemed like things weren't going her way. The plan was pretty simple. It involved doing only one thing, but doing it with dogged determination. Anyone can do one thing, right?

This woman wanted to live in Paris as long as she could remember. As a child, she dreamed of living in Paris before she even knew Paris was in France. She'd seen a movie with her mother when she was six, filmed with the backdrop of Paris. It stuck in her imagination. As a little girl, when people would ask her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she'd answer the same thing every time. "I want to be living in Paris."

She learned and spoke fluent French by twelve. When she was sixteen her parents took her to visit the City of Lights. She went from infatuation to deep love of the city. She plastered the walls in her room with posters of the Parisian cityscape. She learned to cook French food like a professional and thought about becoming a chef.

In the end, though, she chose fashion design, pursuing an art degree in college. She spent her college summers in Paris but didn't find a way to stay. However, she never stressed how it was going to happen. She knew she'd end up there permanently sooner than later.

In her senior year of college, she got a coveted internship with a fashion magazine that led to the kind of job upon graduating anyone in the industry would have dreamed of. She moved to New York to work as an assistant fashion editor. She didn't love New York. She wasn't sad to be there because she knew it was a stopping point on her way to Paris. So, it was easy to make the best of being someplace the felt like a far distant second at best.

A little more than a year later, it happened. The magazine decided to create a position for a fashion editor in Paris. From that point on she was laser focused and on her manifesting game. Without even pausing to think about it she said, "This job is my ticket. It's a sign. I'm moving to Paris."

Except, she didn't get the job. The magazine determined they wanted someone with more experience and they hired a candidate from another publication. I expected her to be disappointed. She didn't waver. She explained the woman they'd hired for the position had a reputation for jumping jobs. That woman never stayed anywhere too long, which of course, was "a sign I'm moving to Paris."

Three months later the building she lived in sold and she lost her gorgeous apartment near Central Park. I expected her to be stressed. She was not. She moved in with a friend because you know, it was, "a sign I'm moving to Paris."

Two months after that, the senior editor scheduled a private sit down with her. She told me she knew what was going to happen. She was going to be offered an assistant editor position in Paris. Except that didn't happen. Her boss sat her down and apologetically told her they were letting her go. They gave her six weeks notice so she could find another position and a chunk of cash in a severance agreement.

"The magazine industry is changing," he told her. "You may want to look for a position with a label or a design house."

I thought she might be devastated. She wasn't. She didn't skip a beat. She took a deep breath and said, "This is a sign I'm moving to Paris."

One week before she left her job at the magazine that had been her home for two years, the Paris fashion editor finally decided to take another job. She called me and told me, "This is a sign I'm moving to Paris" - except it wasn't. The magazine was obviously downsizing in house positions. They decided to discontinue that position.

Two weeks later I talked to her from her flat in Paris after her first day on the job as Senior fashion editor in Paris for a different magazine. She is one of the youngest senior fashion editors in her business.

I'm actually downplaying her clarity. Every single thing, good and bad, was a sign she was moving to Paris.
Uber was delayed and she was late for an appointment - it was a sign she was moving to Paris.
Great hair day - it was a sign she was moving to Paris.
Boyfriend broke up with her - it was a sign she was moving to Paris.
Food poisoning after takeout Thanksgiving dinner alone - it was a sign she was moving to Paris.
Best friend got engaged - it was a sign she was moving to Paris.

Our heroine was utterly and completely undeterred by reality. She did not get stuck in what seemed practical. She did not get discouraged even when things looked like they weren't going in her direction. She didn't care if people thought she was crazy.

She took everything as evidence the Universe was always conspiring on her behalf, specifically to get her to Paris. Let's face it, that's easy to do when it looks like things are going your way. However, it takes some special kind of determination when things to don't appear to be rolling your direction.

I recently got an e-invite to her wedding, which of course will be a lovely early autumn event in Paris. John Pierre, her fiance, is French but works for a fashion house in London. He is planning on starting his own private fashion label in Paris this summer. They recently bought a flat in the Latin Quarter. Everything seems to be coming up roses and fairy tales.

Want to know who's not surprised? I bet you can guess. She isn't surprised at all.

I was talking to her last week and she said told me John Pierre lost a lease on the warehouse in the fashion district he thought for sure he'd secured. He'd lost some money. It felt like a big deal. She said, without skipping a beat, "This is a sign he's going to have to most successful label launch in history."

All I could think was John Pierre is one lucky man because I've heard that determination in her voice before and I already know how this is going to turn out.

*This story has been shared with permission. Names and details have been changed to protect privacy.

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You don't have to wait to get your victim card punched to leave

Fri, 24 May 2019 18:44:54 GMT

If you're not happy that's reason enough to make the big changes

She's exhausted. She's been sick. The headaches have been relentless and she's sick to her stomach more than she isn't. She has tried everything. She's been to two retreats, lost forty pounds by working out 6 days a week and cutting out sugar. She has seen three therapists, bought seven online programs to help her find herself, and joined two groups to help her find her purpose.

She's wanted out for a long time but he's basically a good husband. He's got a solid job. He's a good provider. For the most part, he's a decent father. They don't really fight anymore. In fact, to be honest, they don't actually talk all that much about anything. Almost everyone on the outside thinks they have the perfect marriage. Everyone likes him. Most days she sort of likes ok him too. But she's not happy.

So, when I ask her what she wants to do she doesn't have an answer because she wants to leave but she doesn't think she should or can. She doesn't think it's rational. She thinks she should be grateful for what she's got.

He hasn't cheated. He gets angry more often than seems reasonable but never gets violent. He goes to work, comes home, watches sports and mows the lawn on Saturdays. The fact that he's indifferent to her presence, drinking a little or a lot too much in private, demanding or totally checked out in the bedroom, and developing a pretty consistent porn hobby/addiction seem minor compared to what getting divorced might mean.

She's in limbo, waiting for her hall pass, an excuse good enough to justify leaving, but it's not coming. This is her purgatory and she wants to fix it. She wants to fix him. She'd do anything to fix herself because she can't remember the last time she was happy for more than a few hours.

Then she says it, "I secretly wish he'd have an affair." and I know that feeling because I've been there. Except it's a slippery slope because if your happiness isn't enough to fight for, to leave for, you'll find an excuse to stay even when he does cheat, and yes, even if he does hit you. I know that too because I've done it and I've watched lots of other women do the same.

You wait until it gets bad enough to get your victim card punched.
You wait too long.
You wait until we forget what it feels like to be whole.
You wait until you're too exhausted to pack a bag let alone hire an attorney.
You wait long enough to turn even the best person into a villain and you do it because being happy isn't a powerful enough reason to choose something different.

It doesn't have to be a marriage. It can be a job we stay at too long, maybe long enough to get fired.

It can be a friendship we've outgrown where we show up as outdated versions of ourselves so we don't create waves.

It doesn't matter what it is when you're waiting for an excuse to move on so you can sneak out the backdoor you are making someone else responsible for not delivering your happiness that is never going to happen when you're stuck and stale.

I'm not happy here.
That is reason enough to go - and by the way, it's the most loving and generous reason you can have to end something. If you decide to go simply because it's not working for you anymore you don't have to make anyone else wrong or bad to end it. You can leave someone you once loved, whole and let them be who they are, just not someone you choose anymore.

It's not giving up. It's being honest.

If you're done and you're waiting for someone to give you permission to leave, give it to yourself. You can choose your happiness over anything else and when you do you can be free.

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You Might Fail and It Might Be Better For You Than You Think

Mon, 29 Apr 2019 22:28:57 GMT

I have a friend who took on a massive project last year. It was a life/career-defining decision and the risks were relatively high. She put every single thing she had into it, including most of her savings and about seventy hours a week of her time.

This woman is smart, engaging, adaptable, and an incredible leader. She assembled a winning team of the best in the business and they were happy to follow her because the inspiration she had for the project was contagious.

And it first things were going exactly as predicted. However, within a few months, it was obvious the risk was not going to pay off. The day she called every one of her employees together to tell them their last paycheck was going to be their next paycheck was one of the worst days of her life.

However, three weeks later when she cleaned out her office and handed the keys to the building back to the real estate agent she'd leased it from, she knew she was going to be ok. She didn't know how, but she knew when and that when was right then.

When I talked to her a few days later she said something that stuck out for me. "Anyone who tells themselves failure is not an option isn't fully committed. Failure is always a risk, and if you don't love it enough to take that risk, knowing you might not succeed, you probably don't love it enough - you are not all in until you're willing to do it knowing you might not win."

This coming from a woman, who at the time was considering moving in with her sister because she was unemployed and rent was high, seemed a little detached from the reality of her dire financial situation. However, knowing her the way I do, I was not at all surprised when she was back on her feet and back in business with a pile of grant money just a couple of months later.

"But I'm afraid I'll fail." , said every person who is stuck.

And the truth is, you might. However, the bigger truth is, that might not be a big deal. In fact, it might actually be good for you to blow it spectacularly.

1. If you fail often enough you will learn that it doesn't impact your happiness for more than a few minutes.

There have been a lot of studies on happiness and all of them point to the same conclusions. We are not very good predictors of what will make us happy. We tend to set goals for ourselves thinking that achieving those goals will make us happier people and that failing to achieve those goals will have the opposite effect.

However, life, and those studies teach us something different. When someone fails, within days of the failure, no matter how big that failure may seem at the time, baseline happiness returns to, well, baseline.

Conversely, reaching a goal rarely results in the long-term bump in happiness we think it will. After a big win, within days, happiness levels also return to baseline.

Failing teaches us that our most important work is to tend to that baseline happiness, or dominant vibration because over the course of learning to fail we typically learn failing or winning for that matter, doesn't matter as much as we thought it would.

Happiness is a choice, not a reward. Both failure and success teach us that.

2. If you fail and don't quit you will learn from your mistakes and evolve.

Big successes, discoveries, and achievements are almost always a process and that process involves failing a lot.

People who seem to have a knack for succeeding are also who people who see what some might see as a failure, more as a setback or a step in the process. They don't mind things not working out, in fact, they expect things to go sideways and they are ok with that. They review the data, learn from their mistakes and move on smarter.

"Winners" are not afraid of failure because they look at that success as a series of experiments they refine until they get their desired result. They don't see failure as losing - ever.

The bottom line is: Failing makes us smarter and more adaptable. The things we learn when we fail tend to make us more effective in all areas of our lives, not just the area we failed in.

3. If you fail and roll with it you will get bolder and develop a higher threshold for risk-taking.

Most of us live through our failures and every time you do, you learn that failing will not kill you. As we fail and survive we tend to innately get more risk tolerant.

Really bold courageous people know that there is very little risk in failing because they've got a lot of experience with it. When they take on something new, they do it knowing that "failing" is an option but that potential failure isn't really a cause for concern. It's not a preferred outcome, but if they fail, it's a temporary event, not a defining moment.

Luck tends to favor the bold and nothing makes us more risk-tolerant than a string of failures.

4. Failing makes us more vulnerable and vulnerability is sexy.

A good old fashioned, painful failure will knock the edges off your ego really quickly. When that happens a softer more resilient version of ourselves emerges.

Failure teaches us we are not invincible. Failure teaches makes us more compassionate. Failure makes expands our capacity to feel our feelings.

Failure makes us both more vulnerable and strong all at the same time.
Strength in vulnerability is very attractive and that kind of attractive can be forged in failure faster than anywhere else.

You're almost bulletproof if you learn to value yourself for both your failures and successes equally. From that place, vulnerability becomes a super-power not a risk.

5. Failing gives us the opportunity to find the feel-good without attachment to results.

Failing gives us the opportunity to practice choosing to feel good, or at least better, no matter what's happening around us. Anyone can have a good time winning, but the real prize goes to someone who chooses to enjoy themselves even when they are failing.

Failure can teach us to detach from the opinions of others.
Failure can teach us to be more tender to ourselves.

The red hot fire of failure can be the best place to build muscles around finding a better feeling thought and if that's all we get out of an experience, it has not been a failure. There is no more valuable skill to own that learning to find a better feeling thought, not just when things are going your way, but despite how things are going when they aren't.

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The Fighting in Your Relationship is Not Normal or Healthy - You Can Make it Stop

Tue, 23 Apr 2019 18:37:07 GMT

Healthy relationships aren't hard work

Listen to Podcast Here.

There is a general perception in our culture that it's normal for couples to fight. The pervasive belief is marriage and relationships are hard work. You hear that all the time. So, it's no surprise that many people think if you're going to commit, you need to roll up your sleeves and get prepared to battle your way through a lifetime of togetherness. That sounds like no one's idea of a good idea and it sets us up to believe that unhappy, dysfunctional relationships are normal. And yet, lots of people decide to do it anyway. It's a mystery.

So we couple up, and hope for happily-ever-after but prepare for the worst, because you know, it's going to be hard work. And after the new car smell wears off it starts. Maybe it's not much in the beginning, but we fight and we think that fighting is normal, if not actually healthy.

However, over time, conflict and resentment start to color how we perceive our relationships and our partners. In fact, eventually, conflict and resentment change the way we think about ourselves. The truth is a lot of fighting in a relationship, while it might be normal, is not healthy at all. The long-term prognosis for a couple that's fighting a lot isn't good, no matter how normal fighting might or might not be.

I read somewhere recently that as soon as 12 months into a relationship, most people report that their partners are different than the person they met. By eighteen months in, they are reporting that those differences are not awesome and they miss the person they fell in love with. This is about the time in many relationships that fighting becomes a regular occurrence, at least weekly if not more.

As a relationship coach, I talk to a lot of couples at a point in their relationship where there is a lot of conflict. They are fighting on the regular and they are not digging it. So, I get a lot of opportunities to dissect the battles couples have and even do post-mortem evaluations on relationships that have failed completely.

Here's what I know about most fights couples have.

1. Usually, couples are fighting about things that don't matter.
2. It's not unusual for couples to fight about things that aren't the things they are upset about.
3. It's very common for couples to fight about things that happened in the near or distant past. Unforgiven hurts often drive conflict.
4. It's very common for fights to be fueled by unforgiven hurts from the past even when the topic of the fight is something completely unrelated.

So, how does a couple break a cycle of fighting when conflict becomes the norm and communication starts to fail routinely? I get asked that question a lot because it's a smart question and the answer is pretty simple.

Deal with what's in front of you right now. Although that might sound simple or obvious, in real life, it's not.

When I'm working with a couple that is entrenched in a pattern of conflict and fighting we implement what I refer to as the seventy-two-hour rule. I'll just cut to the chase now and tell you when a couple can implement this plan, the dynamics in the home and relationship improve significantly and it usually happens pretty quickly.

So, here is the secret sauce:
You are not allowed to bring up anything negative you think your partner did that happened more than 72 hours ago - period.

If your partner pisses you off, you might want to wait a few hours or even overnight to let things cool off a bit. I know that's usually a good idea for me because I have a tendency to come in a little hot. That whole bit about never go to bed mad is not a "rule" that works in my home. Sometimes cooler heads prevail when the sun comes up on a new day. However, if I sit on it and let it stew for more than 72 hours, it's off limits forever. When I stew on something for too long, it starts to brew into something bigger than it was when it happens. So, if it happened last week, it's completely off the table.

By playing that way, it keeps a relationship current. It also encourages people to be honest with themselves and process personal issues in real time. You know if it's an issue, you better deal with it rather than repressing it or banking it for ammunition in a future fight. By being with conflict in real time, a relationship starts to feel a lot less like a minefield. For better or worse everyone knows where they are. No one is walking on eggshells afraid they are going to step on something buried long ago.

Generally speaking, it's a lot easier to forgive when you're operating on the seventy-two-hour rule. When you quit bringing something up over and over again in the heat of the moment that happened previously, those things tend to lose their heat and intensity naturally over time. If you're not replaying a bad thing as fuel or ammunition the offenses tend to drift off peacefully into the past, where they belong.

Communication skills also improve. Because you're managing conflict in the moment without a lot of scattershot from the past, you learn to manage the issue in front of you much more effectively. What might have been a huge blowout previously because it was fueled with gallons of the previous resentments, can often be resolved in a pretty simple conversation without the drama.

When you're not bringing up a pile of steaming past crap, the focus of conflict can be problem-solving and resolution instead of score-keeping. While many couples won't admit they are keeping score, if they are not current in their relationship, I can assure you they are.

Inevitably, when I explain the seventy-two-hour rule to a couple, one of them will say, "Yeah, that sounds good, BUT that thing he/she did two summers ago, I'm not over it. I wish I were, but I'm not."

And here's the thing about that: You have no business staying in a relationship where you can't/won't/haven't forgiven. Staying in a relationship where things remain unforgiven is like purgatory. The unforgiven acts will always become ammunition and a relationship that is pickling in the pain of the past cannot grow. It will remain stuck at it's most painful parts of the past forever. That's no way to live.

If something has happened that for real cannot be forgiven, then you've got to get out and move on, for your sake and that of your partner. It happens. I've been there. Sometimes forgiving someone might actually mean moving on because the damage was too much to heal together.

However, if you're going to stay, you've got to be willing to let it go. Forgiveness is a whole other topic people tend to complicate. However, at the end of the day, it's really pretty black and white. Either you can forgive it and move forward together or you can't in which case you can work on forgiving by moving forward alone.

Now, all of this might sound too simple or maybe even too complicated. It's one of those things that's simple but not easy. I'm not suggesting letting go of the past to be in the present with your partner is easy. However, the present is where your relationship is actually happening. So, if you're finding yourself fighting with your partner often enough you think it might be doing damage, (it might not take that much fighting to do just that), sit down with your partner and implement the seventy-two-hour rule.

It might not fix everything, but it will fix a lot of things and fixing a lot of things is worth doing because a healthy relationship is not hard work.

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The Shifting Truth of Boundary Blowout

Wed, 10 Apr 2019 20:42:28 GMT

When the unthinkable happens, if you don't flee, you will probably start to lie to yourself.

Sean was like a movie star that specialized in rom-coms. He had southern boy charm with a chiseled jaw and beautiful green eyes. He had a great job at an engineering firm where he helped design buildings for wealthy people and made big money doing it. He had all the right friends and all the right hobbies and interests. He got invited to all the swanky parties and pretended like he didn't enjoy having to go, but he did. Sean laughed a lot and that laugh was contagious. Bottom line: Sean seemed like a catch.

Crystal had been dating Sean about five months when her roommate cornered her one evening and spilled it. The roommate said Sean had always made her a little uncomfortable. However, the weekend before he'd leaned in on her in the kitchen of their apartment when Crystal was out running an errand. Crystal tried to blow it off like her roommate must have misunderstood. However, the roomie wouldn't budge. She insisted Sean tried to kiss her and got angry when she pushed him away.

Crystal didn't know what to do with that info. She had really strong feelings for Sean. He was a great guy and had a lot of things going for him in his life. Crystal thought their relationship was going somewhere. Which by the way it was because he proposed two weeks later, the day after she finally got the nerve up to confront him. So, she made what seemed like a rational decision. Crystal decided once and for all her roommate was either exaggerating or jealous and she let him put a ring on it.

Their wedding was beautiful. Everyone was there, except Crystal's former roommate. It was like a dream come true and she was really very happy. However, on their honeymoon, they got in a blowout fight when Crystal came back from the bathroom at a restaurant and saw Sean flirting with the server, and when I say flirting, I mean he had his hand on her ass and she was practically sitting on his lap.

Sean admitted maybe he had too much to drink, but he mostly suggested Crystal was paranoid and crazy. He railed on about how her roommate had turned her against him because she was jealous and said Crystal was just dumb enough to fall for it. Crystal knew what she saw, but she did begin to wonder if her compass was somehow off. Maybe he was right. Maybe she was feeling paranoid. Later she learned from a credit card receipt Sean had tipped that waitress $50.00 on a $60.00 tab.

They'd been married almost a year when Sean lost his job. He told her he had no idea it was coming. However, a few days later a mutual friend accidentally slipped, assuming she knew, that Sean had been under investigation for inappropriate advances towards his assistant.

When she called him on it he "came clean" and admitted he'd done it, but that it happened before they were together. He claimed the investigation had taken more than a year. Sean also said the reason it had taken so long was that other men were involved and investigated also. Sean said that "hoe" had a pattern of coming on to her supervisors. Sean had been her last supervisor so he insisted they made an example of him. His story somehow added up. So, Crystal made what seemed like a ration decision and decided she had no choice but to believe her husband. Sean got another job at another firm within days and before long the whole thing was in the rearview mirror.

A few months later within two weeks, Crystal found out she was pregnant and got the promotion of a lifetime. It wasn't long before she learned she was pregnant with twins. She talked to her bosses about working from home part-time and being in the office part-time after the babies were born so she could continue to work at her new position and take care of the babies. They agreed. Sean suggested they would need a nanny and Crystal agreed.

Six months later, six weeks before the babies were born the nanny moved in to help take care of Crystal while she was on bedrest. She really liked Sarah and having her there felt like a Godsend. After the twins were born Sarah was like a lifeline. Sarah was a caretaker, personal assistant, nanny, and friend. She was worth every penny they paid her because she was an all in one support system and with her help Crystal was back to work in record time.

Now don't get me wrong. It was hard. A lot of things were hard. Sean seemed disconnected and wasn't being particularly supportive. Crystal felt very alone and dependent on Sarah. Sean surprised Crystal by saying yes when she suggested they needed to go to therapy. Several sessions in Crystal felt like their marriage was getting stronger. They were working on the important stuff and it seemed like they were headed in the right direction.

And I'm sure you know what's coming next, but for some reason, Crystal didn't. One afternoon Crystal was exhausted at the office and decided to cut the day short and head home a couple of hours early. Not too surprisingly, to anyone but Crystal, she found Sean and Sarah in bed, with the twins in their port-a-crib in the hallway outside the bedroom.

I'd like to say it ended there, but it didn't. Sean blamed Crystal and Sarah. Crystal didn't want to believe it, but she didn't have any fight left in her. So, they got a new nanny and a new therapist and marched on.

Eighteen months, two full-blown affairs, and three one night stands later, Sean actually walked out on Crystal. In the custody hearing, Sean made it clear to the judge that he could easily handle half-time physical custody of the twins despite his incredibly long hours at work because he was engaged to the twin's former nanny, Sarah. That was the first time Crystal was aware Sean had rekindled his fling with the Sarah.

After the custody hearing, Sean and Crystal met in the hall of the courtroom and looked her deep in the eyes. He said, "I always loved you. If you hadn't been so suspicious and paranoid, things could have been so different..."

Crystal liked to tell herself she was didn't see the divorce coming, but even in her state of shock and delirium, she couldn't convince herself of that. Clearly, she wasn't that stupid. But if she wasn't stupid, how did it this happen?? How did they end up here, Crystal working a full-time job, single mother of twins and Sean engaged to his stay at home nanny, with everything coming up roses?

This happens more often than it should. I know this because although this isn't the story of my first marriage, it could be. The similarities are certainly there. I too stayed with my ex-husband through multiple affairs until he ultimately decided our marriage wasn't working anymore. So, when I heard Crystal's story, I couldn't judge because I understand that cycle all too well.

It starts with what I like to refer to as "boundary blowout".

When someone you love and trust does something so unimaginable that you really can't wrap your brain around it, a state of shock and awe sets in. From that state of shock, your decision-making capacity is really compromised. Crystal lost her bearings when Sean hit on her roommate. That's easy to see from the outside looking in, but when you're in it, it's much more complicated.

He cheats, or he shoves you to the floor in a fight and you didn't see it coming. You freeze in place, like a deer in the headlights. Then one of two things is going to happen. Either you're going to flee or you aren't, but if you don't flee, chances are you will experience "boundary blowout". Then, because you have to, you will start lying to yourself and everyone else. You won't see it exactly that way, but that's exactly what it is.

If you don't kick him to the curb, you will have to rationalize his behavior and chances are pretty high that if you do that, you'll do it again, and probably again after that a few more times. It's not that you don't see the signs. However, your survival depends on explaining them away and once survival behaviors set in, all the rules change and secrecy and shame become a vail you hide behind, from your friends and family, and from yourself.

The number one priority when you live in a relationship where there has been boundary blowout is to just get through the day.

When I went through this cycle, (and to be fully transparent, it's happened more than once), the only way out for me was being seen. When I was in a physically abusive relationship it finally ended for me when the abuse erupted in public and the police were called. It wasn't the police that ended my relationship. It was the hard, come to Jesus moment that happens when you see your life through someone else's eyes. Nothing will drive that moment home harder than having to answer questions for a police report.

I was no longer in the mood to fight for my marriage to my philandering husband after going through the drive-through window of a coffee shop and having the barista tell me my husband had been there a few minutes before with "one of his new girlfriends".

The burning shame of being seen is usually the cure for boundary blowout because when someone else knows the truth, you can no longer explain things away in your head.

If you're wondering if you're in boundary blowout, here are the top seven signs you might be in trouble:

1. You are withdrawing from people you're close to, and you may or may not be sure why. You find yourself spending less and less time with friends and family or doing anything much in public that isn't necessary.

2. You are not feeling physically well, but nothing is actually medically, "wrong". You've got a lot of headaches. You're sick to your stomach too often. You're exhausted almost all the time. Your body is wearing down in fight or flight and you are ignoring it.

3. You are regularly covering for, or flat out lying for or about your partner.
You've adopted a "Nothing to see here - everything is great!" attitude. You avoid conversations about your relationship beyond that at all costs for fear you'll slip up and bleed some truth.

4. You find yourself noticing nothing in your life makes sense. You feel unsteady and disoriented a lot, if not all of the time, waiting for the next shoe to drop. You ARE paranoid, but it's for good reason.

5. Your partner tells you often that you're crazy, or you over-react, or that you are unstable. You will frequently be accused of lying or blowing things out of proportion - and maybe you start to believe it, maybe just a little, but that voice echoes in your head.

6. You know your partner's behavior is wrong, but you've either started to take responsibility for it, or you have given him a hall pass because he's damaged in some way. Somehow, someway, it's not his fault.

7. You live for the make-up after the blowout because you get a high of adrenaline every time he promises things will be different, even if you know it's probably not true.

If you see yourself on this list in more than a couple of places, chances are very high you are in some kind of trouble and the longer you stall there, the harder things are going to get.

If you're living with boundary blow-out, the truth will set you free and it will happen quickly. Hopefully, that happens before you're talking to a cop over a police report. You get to decide when you tell the truth. However, once you allow yourself to be witnessed, things will shift.

Call your mother, your sister, your best friend.
Get a coach, a therapist, or see a healer.
Let someone see you.
Let someone witness your story.
Tell the truth, all of it. Speak the raw, honest, ugly truth of your life. Until you do, there will be no next steps.

But when you do, your next steps will become abundantly clear, and you won't be hiding alone with your truth anymore. Boundary blowout can only live in secret. Find a way to get yourself into the light and no matter how hard you want to think you can, you cannot get yourself into that light alone.

*This story was shared with permission. Names and details have been liberally altered for privacy.

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Turn the News Off: Ten Point Plan for a News Sabbatical Starting Today

Tue, 26 Mar 2019 05:50:19 GMT

Your body and your spirit might need a rest.

It's been a lot lately, and when I say a lot, I mean it's been too much.
Yes, there are good things happening, and if you look, diligently, you can find good news stories out there. However, the mainstream media isn't telling those stories at this point because they're very busy talking about other stuff right now.

That other stuff is heavy. It really is. Yes, the media likes to play it up, but given the facts, they don't have to exaggerate much to make it sound like we're swimming in shark-infested waters every day. However, we've been swimming in those waters every day for not days, weeks, months, but maybe like two years and the awareness of that is exhausting.

That kind of exhaustion makes it almost impossible to process the news you're taking in. It makes it very difficult for your brain to sort and process the information. It spins up your body into a fight or flight mode which makes you feel like you're running a race you cannot win.

So, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
Now is an exceptionally good time to turn the news off.
Take more than a break. Take a sabbatical.
It's ok to power down, unplug, and refocus on your life without the input.
Seriously, if something is happening you really need to know, like an asteroid hurling towards earth, someone will tell you.

At this point, the news is an anxiety-inducing adrenaline pumping experience. Chances are pretty high if you unplug you'll actually go through a detox. However, that is the very reason to do it. You and your body probably need a reset.

So, I'm challenging you to a ten point news detox. Turn it off and do not turn it back on until you've completed all ten things on the following list.
Maybe, just maybe, when you work through the list you won't feel compelled to plug back in, or at least not in the same way.

Start today:

1. Delete all the news alerts you get on your phone, tablet, and computer.
All.Of.Them.

You do not need them beeping and buzzing at you. You are smarter than Pavlov's dogs. You can control the triggers that send you reaching for your phone.

You are probably already conditioned to look when it beeps. You can't expect yourself to overcome that on the spot. So, removing the triggers altogether is the only way to be smarter than a conditioned dog.

Do it. You'll be glad you did.

2. Get outside and bond with nature.
I mean bond for real. Hug a tree. Befriend a flock of birds. Name all the members of a squirrel family and take pics of them like you are a wildlife photographer. Don't just go for a walk. Immerse yourself in nature in a way you wouldn't usually make time for.

Nature calms the mind and the body. There really is nature everywhere. Getting yourself out there will help you remember there are forces at work in the grand scheme of things that aren't concerned about the Mueller investigation or anything else.

Stand in the rain, breathe fresh air, lay in the grass, or dip yourself in the ocean. Mother nature knows you're fucking stressed. She knows how to help.

3. Catch up with a friend and discuss anything other than the news.
Most of us have been talking a lot about the news. A lot of us are out of practice for having news-free conversations.

Yes, we've gotten better at not engaging in online and real-life wars with people who don't agree with our point of view. However, there has been comfort in commiserating with our comrades who see it our way. However, during the detox, you need to stop.

Catch up with a friend and talk about other things that really matter, like family, and goals, and the latest life-changing shampoo you've been using.

Exercise your muscles for the art of conversation that uplifts without exception. I promise the people you're talking to will dig it. Everyone wants to be uplifted.

4. Buy yourself some flowers and beautify at least one of your spaces.
Seriously, flowers can make anything better, and we can all use some better about now. Another thing that makes things better is a perfectly clutter-free bedroom or a freshly spruced up meditation space.

Basically, your mission is to make some beauty for yourself in your environment. Manipulate your inner environment by bringing beauty to your outter environment. Make the doing parts of this mission a meditation on mindfulness and appreciation.

Slow down and create space that nurtures your detox and recovery.

5. Read a novel.
You know, a novel. Not a self-help book, not a cooking book, not a historical biography - a novel.

Find a book that takes you someplace else and gives you a stroll through someone else's story. Lose yourself in the words of a skillful author and escape all the madness for a bit.

Fiction is good for you. It inspires you to dream. It literally immerses you in something other than reality. Most of us don't get enough fantasy. So, now is the time for a really juicy book.

Read it fast if you want, but you probably want to savor it. However, you read it you need to finish it before your detox is complete.

6. Create a new feel-good playlist.
Music is good for the soul. It's also good for your brain.

Music can shift your mood on a dime. Sad music causes your brain to release sad brain chemicals within minutes. Happy music has the opposite effect. Basically, music can be like a pharmacist in your brain, whipping up feel good or feel not so good chemical cocktails at will. Music is your mechanism for leveraging mood of choice on demand.

There is something about curating a playlist with intention that requires attention in a way that just doing it is like a meditation. So, put your playlist together with care. Treat it like a first aid kit for the future moments you might need a boost or a rescue.

7. Memorize a poem.
Memorization requires repetition. It keeps your brain busy. It's hard to focus on the world going to hell in a handbasket when you are working at committing beautiful prose to memory.

Multitasking is more or less a myth. Your brain really can't do more than one thing at a time. You might think you can multitask but really you're just rapidly task switching, which over time makes it more difficult to concentrate on anything at will.

Memorization trains your brain to laser focus through repetition and association. Memorizing a poem you love triggers both the memory centers of your brain and your emotional response centers. That kind of focus is calming.

8. Create some art.
Write something.
Draw something.
Paint something,
Knit something.
Build something.
Create something.

Stress tends to shut down the creative centers of the brain. However, when you activate creativity on purpose, the opposite happens. Your body and your mind relax. The creative zone is a meditative space and creating art can be a spiritual experience.

When you make something that didn't exist before you birthed it, you are literally changing the way you experience yourself. You become a creator, no longer in reactive mode, instead, in a very empowered headspace.

Creativity is powerful medicine for a weary heart.

9. Get a haircut, a manicure, or something waxed.
Come on, you know you probably need some maintenance.

Looking better is almost always feeling better. Additionally, the act of taking care of yourself is a devotion, and you are worth your own devotion.

Self-care is more or less a fulltime job. It's something you should be highly committed to during your detox. However, sometimes you need some good old fashioned polishing up, something that feels a little over-due or frivolous.

A great hair cut and color that makes you feel like a million bucks is worth more than a million, especially when you're trying to ground yourself back into your life.

I can assure you that a Brazilian will change your outlook on your lady-parts, and the rest of your life, at least temporarily.

A deep seductive red nail polish can make you more confident to shake hands and meet new people.

10. Clean out your refrigerator, purse, your car, and your junk drawer.
Seriously, tidy up.

We're not talking about going full Marie Kondo. We're talking about dumping the year-old receipts you've got in the bottom of your handbag or cleaning the bio-hazard out of your refrigerator.

There is something really ceremonial about getting rid of some shit in your life. It's can be symbolic and cathartic. Cleaning out a junk drawer can have the cleansing effects of a week's worth of saging yourself on the regular.

If you clean up some small spaces you will give your soul and mind some breathing room. You'll also have something tangible to show for your detox time.

Bonus: Organization has a tendency to spread.

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Online dating, game theory, and meeting the love of your life

Wed, 13 Mar 2019 23:17:40 GMT

There's more to online dating than just finding your next date.

I am a relationship coach and I work with a lot of people who are doing the online dating thing with mixed results, and when I say mixed results, I mean many of them are frustrated. Now, full disclosure here. I am a fan of online dating because if not for Match.com, I wouldn't have met my husband.

However, online dating got me more than my share of duds before I found my Mr. Right. In fact, I had a profile up, on and off, for years before meeting my man. I did in fact, almost date a guy who threatened my life when I canceled the first date. I had to report him to Match. I dated a guy I met on eHarmony who said not one true thing about himself in his profile. We ended up in a relationship for months. I accidentally dated a married dude for three weeks, and it happened because obviously, he lied his ass off. I can swap online dating horror stories like a champ - but that's not what we're doing here - and we're not going to do that for a very specific reason.

I've spent a lot of time pondering why something that should work based on the number of people who are using online dating sites and the computer algorithms, so often doesn't work. And I can offer some thoughts about that based on my personal experience and the experience of hundreds of clients I've watched swim in those waters.

People get too attached to early results and when they don't find the perfect match soon enough they give up.

Daters eliminate potential right matches by making their criteria too narrow.

It's too easy to build "virtual" intimacy by spending too much time in the digital communication phase of online dating before meeting in person in the real world.

Women particularly get very discouraged by the overwhelming number of "low-quality men" who show up in their feeds as matches and get distracted by what they don't want.

I could go on with the list of things that go wrong. However, it really boils down to one thing. When the online dating experience causes you to focus on things you don't want or don't like, you're going to see a lot more of what you don't want showing up in your matches and your life. Unfortunately, that happens often to a lot of people. Like everything else in life, the issue can be distilled down to one thing. It's always focus. No more, no less.

Yes, as a relationship coach, I know that a lot of things can factor into what makes a person ready to date and attract love. You know, the "coachy" litany list of stuff to work on:

Limiting beliefs
Past-traumas
Self-worth and self-love issues
Difficulty trusting and being vulnerable
Not being fully healed after a recent breakup

All of those things and many more matter. However, the reason they matter is that failing to resolve them makes it damn hard to focus on what it would feel like to be in a passionate, amazing, forever relationship. Carrying those kinds of issues makes it very difficult to be the person you want to attract, so you can attract a person you'd want to be with forever.

Baggage is very distracting. However, when someone is singularly focused and pointed in the direction they want to go without distraction, your "issues" don't matter. We've all seen people who haven't done their personal work find amazing partners and have happy, satisfying relationships - and while that might rub some people the wrong way, it's the truth.

We live in a focus driven universe.

Which leads me to why online dating can be such an effective tool for manifesting true love. Online dating done right is a focus machine.

But before we dive into that in more detail, let's break for a moment and talk about game theory. Game theory is the study of mathematical models of strategic interaction between rational decision-makers. It has applications in all fields of social science, as well as in logic and computer science.

The shorthand on that is game theory is the science of how human interactions within algorithms create specific outcomes.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - that is exactly what online dating is. It is humans integrated with mysterious computer algorithms, the behavior of which, at times their programmers don't even understand, intended to generate a specific outcome - a match. Here's the even bigger secret: It's much more algorithm than human - especially in the beginning.

Ok - so here's an odd seemingly unrelated tidbit and I'm sure you've heard this. It's not uncommon for couples who struggle with infertility to adopt and shortly thereafter find themselves pregnant. It's also not uncommon for someone who lands a great job after being unemployed for a long period of time and after getting employed starts getting other random great job offers.

I've also seen it happen too often to count. A single person who's resisted online dating for months or even years will finally give up and creates an online profile or two. Then out of the blue, a couple of weeks later meets a great match in the grocery store they've both been going to twice a week for a decade. Then this lucky dater will tell me, "See? Online dating doesn't work". Except it's not exactly true. Online dating did work. Just not in the way they thought it might.

There are some big thinking scientist/philosophers who theorize that our entire reality is a simulation - basically, our whole experience is driven by something that looks like game theory. Whether or not that's true, the rules really do apply. Humans interact with algorithms through focus. Our lives are basically serious of probabilities and we can navigate those probabilities through attention.

So, online dating is about how you manage your focus within the "game". Coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, that is exactly how we create reality in the multiverse.

Online dating is nothing more than a massive and complex focus machine.
If you get yourself set up online, and you use that massive pool of data to focus on what you want, the algorithms within the game and in "reality" as a larger universe will respond by delivering more of that.

Conversely, the opposite is true. If you get distracted by all the fray in the online dating environment, the algorithms won't work for you - well they will work, but just not in the way you want them to. You can tell what you're focusing on based on the results you're getting online and in the real world.

Here are three tips for using online dating as a focus generator to bring you the love of your life, wherever they come from:

1. Here's the thing about algorithms: They learn from you. That's where game theory comes into play.

When you find the profile of a dude or dudette where you see things you like, even if you don't think it's a perfect match, interact with the profile anyway. Like it, sent a wink or a wave, even just going back to it and looking at it several days in a row, is a good idea.

The algorithms will start picking up patterns about things and people you like. Algorithms are all about patterns.

Interact with profiles with people you're physically attracted to. Interact with profiles who say the right things but might not look exactly the way you prefer. Interact with profiles where someone has a career or hobby you're into.

Notice I am saying interact with profiles - not necessarily people. The algorithm doesn't care if you're going to coffee. So, don't feel any pressure to do so.

The bonus here is your focus on profiles where there are things you like will translate to focus in the multiverse. It will make you a much more powerful deliberate creator.

2. Keep a list of positive aspects.

Get a book and write them down or start a spreadsheet. As you're looking at profiles, reading messages, and interacting with people, catalog every single thing you notice that's awesome.

You may not think you'd fall for the man, but if he's smokin' hot, or seems to be a great father, or has a witty sense of humor, a really beautiful sailboat, loves hiking as you do, log it - really don't short cut this. Write it down. The field of infinite possibilities loves lists of positive aspects.

When you're dating, you'd be hard pressed to find a place to mine for data than in an online dating environment. You can get hung up on the weirdos or you can focus on the awesome stuff like a pro. One way will get you what you want. The other will get you something but you probably won't like it.

When you're using online dating as a focus machine, it's not all about finding a person to date, marry, and spend the rest of your life with. If you pull that off, good for you. However, more importantly, it might be about really appreciating the amazing abs on one of those jerks who posts shirtless photos in the mirror on his profile. You're not going to date that guy, but those abs might go on your list of positive aspects.

As you appreciate all the many aspects of the people behind the profiles the Universe and the online dating site algorithms start to get the point.

3. Unless it's legitimately making you feel better to laugh at the expense of the complete losers online, ignore, delete, skip and move on from the profiles of the idiots.

Do not talk to your friends or anyone else about the assholes, morons, egomaniacs, fat shirtless dudes on the sofas, or even the dick pics - unless they are spectacular.

No matter what you do, at all costs avoid obsessing about the lack of quality candidates online. Scarcity thinking is like a highly contagious flu virus. It will pretty much sour your vibration around dating and everything else.

This is where the deliberate part of deliberate creation comes in. If you can exercise your muscles of cherry-picking what you're focusing on while looking through online dating profiles and sorting messages from freaks, you will earn a PhD in the finer points of being a master manifestor.

Really, it's your doctorate program.
The good news is once you know what you're doing, it's not that hard.

Online dating is an opportunity to inform your vibration on the topic of love way beyond the websites. Let's face it, if you're doing it, or even thinking about doing online dating, you're flowing some optimism. That optimism mixed with your intentional focus can will make miracles.

Besides, the Universe loves, love.
So, you've got that going for you, no matter what else is happening.

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A Relationship Will Only Make You More of What You Were When You Were Single

Mon, 04 Mar 2019 23:14:16 GMT

Relationships Amplify not Fix

Anna is a Type A woman who seems to have it all together. She has a beautiful home in the perfect neighborhood. She has amazing friends she sees occasionally and they get some really great Instagram photos. She's been on great vacations to amazing destinations. She has a dog walker, a housekeeper, a yard person, and a personal assistant.

And she has those things because she doesn't have time for her dog, to enjoy her beautiful home, to do any of her own gardening, (even though she says it's her hobby), or to manage her own personal stuff. Truthfully, she doesn't have the time to do much of anything. That great career of hers takes up almost all of her time. Anna is the executive producer for a large market local news show. She works more than sixty hours a week, every week. She's up at 4:30 a.m. and often doesn't get home until after 7 p.m. Then she usually works another couple of hours from home prepping for the next day.

When she takes those rare vacations to those amazing destinations, she spends most of her time catching up on her sleep by pulling the blinds in her luxury hotel and crashing - for days. On her last trip, she went to Thailand. She went to the beach once and bought souvenirs at the airport on the way home.

Anna's health is slipping. Her doctor told her recently she might have chronic fatigue syndrome instead of telling her she might need to slow down. Her friendships are drifting. Her well-walked dog has become really destructive in her home, tearing things apart and chewing through furniture regularly.

Oh, yeah, then there's Jonah, her boyfriend. They've been together for almost a year, and when I say together, that's kind of up for interpretation.
Jonah is also busy, as in really busy, with his friends, and his sailing club, and his part-time job as a day trader.

Anna sees Jonah maybe once a week, sometimes just for lunch, and sometimes they go days and days without seeing each other. He does frequently show up about 11:00 at night, you know, for some intimate time. This isn't easy for Anna given her morning schedule. However, she puts up with it because they have to make the time when they can.

Last week Jonah forgot Anna's bday. Anna is thinking about breaking up with him because clearly, something is wrong with Jonah.

Gwen manages a yoga studio for her sister. Gwen's sister Kate is like a daily walking magazine spread of fabulousness. Kate is tall, thin, fit, and gorgeous. Gwen has always felt like the ugly duckling sister, virtually invisible in her sister's shadow.

At 115 pounds soaking wet, Gwen has always felt fat. She diets relentlessly but rarely takes a yoga class even though they are happening all day long around her. Although Gwen has a degree in Advanced Mathematics and a teaching certificate, she has never been able to hold down a "real job" and feels like a failure. She has plenty of time to contemplate that sitting behind the desk at the yoga studio watching all the other gorgeous, fit, spiritual women floating in and out like angels in spandex.

Gwen doesn't want to grow old and die alone. That's why she can't imagine her life without Tony. Tony is a physical therapist at a sports injury clinic. He's nearly perfect on paper, but in person, he's not always easy to be around. Tony is a critical perfectionist. He is especially critical of Gwen. He routinely jokes about her "baby fat", he monitors and provides "feedback" on everything she eats. They've been together for almost four years but Tony tells her he can't marry her because she doesn't make enough money. He calls her a financial liability.

Tony says he loves Gwen, but you can't see it in his behavior and she doesn't know why anyone would love her anyway.

A few days ago Tony called her fat and stupid in front of his friends. When she told her sister about that Kate almost demanded that Gwyn breakup with him on the spot, but Gwyn just can't do it. She feels lucky not to be "alone" even though she always feels deeply and profoundly lonely.

Here's the thing: It doesn't matter what you want. Really. We all want happy, healthy, wonderful relationships and joyful experiences. However, you will attract what you're flowing. The Universe isn't going to put you on bubblewrap just because you're not in a good place. We are always creating and manifesting. That's not a switch you flip on and off. You are always attracting what you're putting out there.

Making time for everything and everyone but yourself, you're likely going to attract other people who don't prioritize you.

Loath yourself and roll through life with a pitifully low bar self-esteem? If you end up in a relationship you'll end up with someone who treats you like you aren't worthy of good things because you suck.

We get the relationships we're aligned with, period. So, if you don't love yourself and your life you will attract a relationship that amplifies both of those things. If you aren't where you want to be, you aren't going to find someone else to get you there. You'll find someone who keeps you stuck, or worse, moving backwards further into a bad vibration.

The best advice I've got for any single person is:
Fix yourself before you get into a relationship.
Seriously.
And if you're not going to do the work, I'd skip the relationship line. If you're not enjoying your life, you won't enjoy the relationship ride either.

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Spiritual Skills to Master That Go Way Beyond "Love and Light"

Tue, 26 Feb 2019 20:11:41 GMT

Ninja level transformation at your fingertips

1. Really see people.

There are a lot of people many just don't see:
Homeless people
People with disabilities
Elderly people
Basically, fill in the blank with any disadvantaged group, and you could be talking about someone that often feels invisible. It's really about seeing the divine in everyone you come in contact with, even when the seeing is difficult.

There is no more powerful way to experience your spiritual nature than to deeply see another and that connection doesn't have to involve and maybe shouldn't involve rescuing, helping, or saving them.

If you want to experience spirituality on a more meaningful level, stop looking away - and stop staring. Make a practice of looking at everyone, especially anyone who is different than you. Study people to find the things you have in common and the things that make them human. Practice relating to the unrelatable as if they remind you of someone you deeply love.

There is no "spirituality" that makes anyone less human than anyone else.
The practice of seeing humanity in everyone is a practice that will change the way you see yourself.

2. Take responsibility for the energy you bring.

Seriously, decide who you want to be and show up being that person regardless of anyone or anything else.

No one can make you feel anything without your permission. So, it's 100% on you to be responsible for the energy you bring all the time.

Simple? Yes.
Easy. Hell no.
But it's doable, and if you're interested in staying in the flow with all that is, owning your own energy is required.

Being responsible for your own energy isn't about putting a smiley face on when you feel like feel like shit.

It's about being honest with yourself about what you're really feeling and then bringing your honest best, not some fake ass shit that smells bad to everyone you come in contact with.

It might be about keeping your bad energy to yourself when you can't show up the way you want to and you know you might be contagious.

A serious, hardcore commitment to taking responsibility for the energy you bring to every situation and every encounter is a game changer. It up-levels your life like a miracle pill - except you know, you actually have to do the work, because there is no miracle pill that does it for you.

3. Stop judging.

And holy mother - that is hard to do - because to judge, in so many ways is human. However, the exercise of suspending judgement creates change in your life that goes far beyond where it started.

When you buckle down and for real refuse to judge, compassion more naturally takes the lead.
When you endeavor to not judge, you miraculously also tend to feel less judged by others yourself.

Judgement gives you an instant burst of feel-good energy in the form of a small shot of adrenaline. However, like all things fueled by adrenaline, eventually, the energy is lost to a sense of exhaustion or malaise because adrenaline is not healthy fuel.

Additionally, judging is an isolating behavior. Any time you judge, you are "othering" and any time you "other" another, you are becoming progressively more alone.

Traditional religion in its many forms is often built on a foundation of judgement. However, spirituality and religion are two different things. Spirituality works best when it's a wide open accepting practice, allowing others to be who they are and reserving all your energy to who you are.

4. Give up needing to be understood or to understand other people.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's almost entirely impossible to ever fully understand another person - and conversely, it's just as difficult for anyone to actually understand you.

Every experience you've had since birth creates your very unique perspective. No one, no matter how close or aligned to you that person is, is ever fully going to get it - and that's ok. In fact, accepting it is a relief.

We have a tendency to place a very high value on feeling understood. However, that's a very tall if not impossible order. What might be a more satisfying desire, would be the feeling of being fully accepted.

When understanding is the measuring stick, acceptance feels conditional.
However, the real powerful place of freedom is acceptance without any conditions.

You're probably not going to find anyone who understands you the way you might crave it. However, if you can find someone who accepts you regardless of who you are, what you feel, or why you think the way you do, you've found a spiritual connection that defies conditional circumstances.
If you can offer that to another, you've set yourself free of needing them to be anything for you to be happy.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't hold sacred boundaries for your relationships. However, it does mean that you love for the sake of loving letting go of the need to be understood or to understand.

Love and understanding should not contingent on each other because if they are, love that lasts is going to be in very short supply.

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3 Pro-level (LOA) Communication Strategies to Make Your Relationship Even Stronger

Wed, 20 Feb 2019 17:03:18 GMT

1. Refuse to criticize.

It's so old school to think that you can criticize anyone into being different. Seriously, that shit does not work.

However, criticism is so common in many relationships, it's easy not to notice you're even doing it. You might think you're just pointing out what your partner is doing wrong in an effort to help them get it right, like you're doing them a favor. However, criticism is not a good communication tactic and it's certainly not showing up being helpful. You aren't doing anyone a favor by telling them how wrong they are.

There is a golden ratio in communication. Seven powerfully affirmative statements to one that might be perceived as critical or corrective. If you don't meet that ratio in your communication, I can pretty much assure you, your partner is starting to tune you out. They may not mean to be, but their brain is just going to do it. You're going to start sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher to them. This means if you want any kind of legitimate communication with your partner it has to be vastly and overwhelmingly positive.

People are a lot like puppies. They tend to respond better to positive reinforcement over negative interactions. When you elevate your communication to a criticism-free zone, every aspect of your communication and relationship will shift for the better in a big way.

2. Always talk positively to other people about your partner.

I know women who get together and inevitably before long they are bitching about their partners like it's a competitive sport. While you might think what you're saying about your partner behind their back can't have an impact on how you experience your relationship when you're with them, that thinking is flawed.

Venting, unloading, and processing with the girls about your partner might feel good in the moment, but in the long run, it creates an energy you take home with you when girls night is over. It tends to pick up steam and keep rolling long after you've finished that last glass of wine with your friends. That is not an energy you want flowing into the space you share with someone you love.

Yes, occasionally you might need to talk something through with a friend. However, occasionally is the keyword and when those conversations do happen it needs to be about self-exploration rather than a verbal vomit of random gripes about your beloved.

Energy goes where attention flows. How you talk about your partner creates a focus that will manifest sooner or later because when you say it out loud, you're speaking into existence. However, when you speak it out loud to another person or persons you are amplifying that energy.
You know, where two or more are gathered...

Seeing your partner the way you want them to be is powerful.
Getting other eyes and ears in on a powerful vision of the partner and relationship you want is exponentially even more powerful.

3. Pre-express your appreciation for what you want your partner to be or do.

Appreciation in its typical form is a transactional energy, but that's not where the magic is. Often someone does something for you or something you like and you express your appreciation. It's a little bit or a lot of tit for tat. Like anything transactional, we typically withhold appreciation unless we get something first.

However, appreciation is one of the most powerful forms of energy you can leverage to manifest change, metaphysically and literally. Where criticism shuts people down, gratitude and appreciation open them up wide. Most of us rarely express appreciation to the people we share our lives with enough for what they actually do, let alone being generous with our appreciation when we feel like it's not yet earned.

Pre-appreciation is like putting a gracious and loving spell on the object of it's warmth. It's pure magic. Whatever you want from your partner, start thanking them for being that in advance.

Want a partner who's more romantic? Tell them how much you appreciate how romantic the little things they do for you feel. Thank them for every gesture of kindness and care as if they just handed you a dozen roses on the plane they chartered to take you to dinner in Paris. Tell them one of the things you love about them most is their attention and the very special time you have together, even, or especially if you don't see it yet.

Want a partner who communicates better? Thank them for talking with you about their day. Lavish them sweet appreciation for being so open and present before you're feeling it, so they can feel it.

Want your partner to take out the garbage and start helping with the dishes? Start telling them how grateful you are to have someone in your life who likes to make things easy for you and do it frequently.

People are more likely to move in the direction of where they feel seen in a positive light. So, if you're speaking into existence what you want to experience with your beloved, or anyone else, and then fueling it with pre-appreciation, it would almost take them more effort not to meet you there than it would to show up on the path you've pre-paved for them.

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The Valentine's Day Breakdown and My Situationship

Tue, 12 Feb 2019 18:16:34 GMT

One awkward date that showed the obvious truth I ignored.

I remember years ago in another lifetime, I was "dating" this guy who lived about an hour from where I lived. He also traveled a lot for work, sometimes weeks at a time. So, it was really easy to get lost in the "I'm not sure where we are at, so I'm going to make assumptions" zone for way too long - two years too long, to be exact.

He was one of the good ones. This guy was a gentleman. He was smart. He was genuinely kind. He had a real job and made good money. That said, he was also the king of sending mixed messages. One day we'd be looking at houses together talking about the future and the next day he'd be telling me about a singles event he was thinking about going to.

I knew, even though I didn't want to admit it, that the house shopping was a lie. There were a number of things about me he wasn't that in to. I was a single mother and I'd heard from mutual friends he didn't want to raise someone else's children. He wanted to raise his own. I also knew he was a lot more conservative politically than I. He wanted to marry a woman who was more comfortable taking a supporting role to his work by being willing to give up her career.

And as I write that, I know it might not sound like he was one of the good ones. However, I can assure you, he seemed like it to me at the time.

I'm not sure how long we'd been doing what we were doing when Valentine's Day rolled around. I'm guessing it was about six months. However, in that particular year, Vday hit in the middle of the week. Anyone who's ever been in a less than defined situationship knows how awkward a mid-week Valentine's Day can be.

It's not the night you typically, "hang out". So, even though you may routinely be sleeping with this person, it's not a sure thing you'll be doing anything on the big day. You know for sure if nothing gets planned, you are probably not much more than a booty call. You also know that if something does get planned, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a couple, but it might.

In the days leading up to Valentine's, I waited for an invitation of any kind or even an acknowledgment the holiday was happening, and the waiting was uneasy. Our regular phone conversations seemed a little distant to me. Three days before the big day he quit communicating altogether and I knew what that meant. So, I told myself it didn't matter to me, and decided to party on as if the holiday was a no-thing - you know, nothing to see here. Really.

Except it was a thing, and all of my friends, either married or dating, seemed to pick up on that, bringing me Vday gifts and inviting me to be the awkward third for their Vday date night plans. I declined all the offers. I think I knew it was coming.

The Valentine's Day breakdown didn't start until about 3 pm. I thought I could hold it off, but I failed and midafternoon the tears started to flow. At first, it was a manageable trickle of disappointment. However, it didn't take long before it was a flood of regret, questioning all my life choices, mixed with the bitter sting of shame. It was a shame for being in a situationship that was nothing more than friends with benefits, and shame for still being single.

At 4:30 there was a knock on the door. I assumed it was my kiddo, just off the bus who'd probably forgotten his key, so I opened it without even checking the peephole. I was a fucking mess, mascara smeared down my face, still in my pajama's, (I worked from home). I hadn't showered for days.
And I'm sure you can guess who was standing there, holding a single red rose.

Here's a clue...
It wasn't my son.

He hadn't made any plans and neither had I. I didn't have a babysitter. So, all three of us ended up at a Chinese food restaurant surrounded by single people trying to avoid good date-appropriate restaurants and married people with lots of kids who couldn't get a table elsewhere.

It was more than a year later when we parted ways for real. I'd driven the hour to his place and planned to spend the weekend. We were out for dinner when it happened. He ended the relationship that wasn't really a thing and I'd like to say I didn't see it coming, but of course, I did. In fact, my psychic best friend had warned me it might happen. It wasn't really a breakup. It was more like an, "I don't think we should hang out anymore".

So, I finally mustered some moxie and asked him something I should have cleared up long before, "When did you know we weren't ever going to be a couple?"

"That Valentine's Day at the Chinese place." He looked me straight in the eye and continued, "I realized when I was driving home that I would have done better for someone I really cared about. I would have made reservations. I would have done better than a rose from the 7/11. I would have taken you someplace nice and given you a proper invite so you could have gotten all dressed up. I knew right then I wasn't giving it my best. In fact, I wasn't giving it much of anything and I knew if I loved you I would have."

Then he offered to take me to a movie and suggested that I could spend the night anyway. He said he didn't want me driving home upset. I rallied what was left of my pride and walked out of the restaurant. I felt like it had some dramatic flair to leave him sitting there alone. Looking back, he was probably relieved.

I saw him once after that. I went to dinner with him and his new fiance. They got engaged exactly three months to the day after we quit "hanging out". She wanted to meet me for reasons I still can't comprehend. He, of course, did not plan it in advance. So, it ended up being four of us at dinner, him, his fiance, myself and my son. It was awkward. However, when I saw him with her, as he pulled out her chair at the table, hung on her every word, and laughed at her bad jokes, I realized, he was one of the good ones, for her.

Ironically, he never got to raise a child because they never had any. Their dog has a Facebook page. He was the one who gave up his career to support hers. But other than the fact that he got nothing I thought he wanted, they seem to be living happily-ever-after.

The good news is, so am I, with a man who pulls out my chair, hangs on my every word, and laughs at my bad jokes. I didn't give up my career. He's a great father.

So, you might be thinking the moral of the story is not to continue "hanging out" with a man who occasionally talks about going to singles events. That's good advice. You probably shouldn't do that.

However, looking back, my biggest mistake was not having the courage to just ask him how he felt about what we were doing and where we were going. He would have told me and I could have made different choices. A smart woman wouldn't have been wondering if there was going to be a Valentine's Day date. Not knowing is painful and the longer you don't know the more the uncertainty starts to eat the good parts of your heart.

Probably at any point, even before that awkward Valentine's Day date, I could have asked him one simple question, "Where do you see this going?"

And you know what? Because he was one of the good ones, he would have told me the truth. He would have told me the sex was good but he didn't think of me as his girlfriend - and it would have sucked to hear it, but it would have been clean. I would have opted out and maybe we could have legitimately been friends. Instead, I sold myself a bill of goods for an imaginary relationship that cost me two years. Time spent that way is expensive.

Living in limbo is no way to live.
Don't do it.
That's the moral of the story.
It might not be easy but it's remarkably simple. Just ask.
Not doing it makes things really, really complicated. Trust me. I know.

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Four Ways to Stay in Your Own Lane

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 06:48:09 GMT

So You Can Play Your Own Game

1. Let go of needing to be right.

No one loves being right more than I do. However, that feeling of satisfaction is never worth the cost, even if it looks like there's nothing on the line. Anytime you're invested in being right, you're spending energy like a drunk millionaire in Vegas because selling your opinion or your version of events means you're trying to change the way someone else thinks - it almost never happens and it's almost never important, or important enough to spend energy on.

The satisfaction of being right is kind of a temporary high. It's like the empty calories of feel good because anytime you're proving your rightness, you're making someone else wrong. That is isolating. You know, would you rather be right or be happy??

Let's face it, perspective is the most important part of any set of facts and perspective is highly individual. Almost everything is an opinion. So, if you can let go of needing to be right, you can reclaim a massive amount of mental and emotional energy to invest in something that will make you happy longer than a few hours.

2. Let other people have their opinions about you.

The riskiest thing you can do with your self-esteem is let someone else's opinion of you matter. That is outsourcing your self-esteem, and even if you do it a little bit, over time, that can cost you a lot.

People and their opinions are fickle. They change and blow with the wind and much like the wind, you have no control over them.

It's human to want to be liked. However, it's also almost impossible to be liked by everyone. The desire to be liked forces us to morph into versions of ourselves that are smaller or different than we really are.

If you can let go of what other people think of you, it frees you up to be authentically you, in a way you cannot be when you're influenced by anyone else's opinion of you. Then and only then can you really play your own game.

3. Play on the edge or just outside of your comfort zone, all the time.

You don't have to something huge to do something great. However, if you want to grow, you will need to push the limits of your comfort zone a lot, a little at a time.

If you never do things that give you goosebumps or shaky and uneasy, you won't grow. Growth is always uncomfortable. So, if you can make friends with feeling a little or a lot uneasy and uncertain on the regular, you can turn up the volume on your personal growth and your potential at will.

Everyone is looking for the big bang shift that changes everything at once. However, those big shifts are hard to maintain. If you are willing to push your own limits a little every day, you're more likely to get the big shift you want over time with almost no risk.

Change is the only constant in a chaotic universe. Embracing discomfort gives you the opportunity to do change on your own terms and that is a beautiful thing.

4. Make sure that big goal you have is really something you want.

It's so easy to do what's expected of you. It's also easy to think you want what other people want for you. However, living someone else's version of what's right for you rarely has the kind of juice it takes to make it happen and keep you happy.

It's also not uncommon to be chasing a dream you used to have, but might not be what you want now. When yesterdays dream doesn't light you up anymore, it's ok to let it go. In fact, it might be required.

It's ok to walk away from something you've created that doesn't bring you joy.
It's ok to walk away when you're halfway there, no matter how much you've invested if you don't like the journey.
It's ok to quit before you start, no matter how much sense it makes - even if doing you doesn't look right to others.

Disappointing someone else is almost always temporary. Being a disappointment to yourself leaves a bitter taste in your mouth that lingers a long time, maybe forever.

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4 Times You Have Nothing to Lose and Everything to Gain by Asking

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 15 Jan 2019 06:48:37 GMT

"I don't want to be a bother."
"I don't want to pressure him."
"I don't want to be perceived as pushy."
"I don't want to look weak or demanding."

I don't want to risk losing the man or the job or my independence. So, I'm not going to ask.

I've said all of those things at some point in my life and I'm guessing you have too. However, the reality is, failing to ask for what you want is often setting yourself up for not getting what you want. As simple as that sounds, for a woman, it's not that simple at all.

Women are uniquely programmed to avoid asking for what they want for too many reasons to count. It's vulnerable. Fear of rejection is a very real thing. People should just know what you want - why should you have to ask? Right??

Wrong.

You can't get upset you didn't get what you didn't ask for.

Asking for what you want is a special kind of magic that tends to unlock a lot of doors. It's a sacred right/rite to ask. It's powerful medicine in the life a woman that makes her more powerful the more liberally she exercises advocating for her needs and desires.

I am a big fan of asking early and often for big and small things. Learning the art of asking without attachment to getting anything, for everything you desire is a powerful skill to master. Fortune tends to favor those who ask. The Universe is always answering - you may as well ask for what you want.

However, mastering the art of the ask in these four places is crucially important:

1. Ask for clarity or a commitment in a relationship.

I cannot tell you how often I hear a woman say, "I don't want to pressure him."

And let me be clear, your dinner conversation on your second date is probably not the time to have the commitment conversation. However, a conversation over dinner three months into dating is probably past time. Many women will find themselves six months in still afraid to have the talk.

If you're afraid to get clarity about where you're at with someone you're seeing because you don't want to seem pushy, chances of you getting what you're looking for are shrinking by the day. If you are dating someone you're into, you literally have nothing to lose and everything to gain by being vulnerable enough to ask the important questions.

There is no magic script that makes this conversation easier. Straight to the point is usually the only way to get it done. "I am really enjoying the time we're spending together. I like you a lot. I'm asking myself questions I don't know the answers to, so I'm going to ask you because I'd like what we're doing here to develop into something with some staying power. Do you consider us a couple?"

Being in a situationship when you want to be in a relationship is like voluntarily swimming in dangerous emotional waters. If the question is up for you and you're not asking it, you have nothing to gain by being too easy going in an effort not to scare someone off.

The man you're looking for isn't going to scare that easy.

2. Ask for a promotion or getting paid what you're worth.

For every dollar men make in the workplace, women make 80.5 cents. For women of color that margin is even less equitable. There are a lot of supposed reasons that make no sense for that gap. However, one of those reasons is women are way less likely to ask for more.

When a man is hired for a job he is much more likely to see the salary or wage is offered as a starting place for negotiations where a woman is just happy to get hired and takes what she's offered. Women are substantially more likely to take a promotion in title with more responsibility and no increase in pay than men are. Women are also much more likely to look for a new job when they need more money vs. staying where they are and asking for a raise.

If you're not getting paid what you're worth or being offered what you should be, there is exactly zero harm in asking for more. The worst that will happen is someone will say no. Chances are very high, you'll get what you're asking for because happy employees are a valuable commodity and employers know that.

The easiest way to make that ask is to do some market research and find someone somewhere who's getting paid what you want to get paid - then ask for more than that.

"I've been doing some research and I believe given my experience and expertise my salary is under the market rate. I really value this job so I'm hoping you will consider an increase to ________."

Ask without apology and you might just be surprised how valuable you are.

3. Ask for proper care or treatment.

Women are expected to be polite. We're programmed to be congenial. No one wants to be perceived as being a bitch. However, being perpetually agreeable can be life-threatening.

Women are chronically misdiagnosed by doctors who write off their symptoms for anxiety or stress when men are taken much more seriously when they talk to medical providers about their issues. Women are less likely to question the "wisdom" of a medical provider even when their gut tells them something else is going on and the cost of that "appropriateness" can be a very big deal.

It's not just doctors. It happens when you take your car to a mechanic or when you're getting buying an appliance for your house and you know it does. Almost everyone woman has recruited a man to accompany her to buy something or get something fixed because they want to be treated the way men get treated.

When you are getting any kind of medical care or paying money for a professional service, ask for what you want and if you don't get it the way you want it, demand it. If that doesn't get you what you're looking for, go somewhere else because the stakes can be very high when you decide to be a nice girl and your needs aren't met.

A lot of professionals don't like to be questioned or confronted. However, if they can't hear you when you ask, they aren't in it for you. Be absolutely direct. "You know, I feel like you aren't taking my symptoms seriously and maybe that's because you don't live in my body, but I do. I'm asking you to do some tests to rule out other possibilities before we settle on any diagnosis."

It's that simple. Being direct might save you money and it might save your life.

4. Ask for help in an emergency.

I recently talked to a woman who refused the help of two men when changing her flat tire in front of her office because she didn't want to look like she couldn't do it. And hey, if you want to be down on your knees in a dress and heels in the pouring rain wrangling a jack and a tire iron, I guess that's your prerogative. That's an optional kind of saving face.

However, what's not optional is not asking someone to walk you to your car when some creeper has been staring at you all through dinner at a restaurant. It's also not optional to ask the bartender to call you an Uber when your blind date with hopefully Mr. Right starts going rapidly south and you want to slip out the backdoor.

I cannot count the number of times I've heard women tell stories where their intuition told them they were in danger and they ignored it because they didn't want to look hysterical or irrational and then things took an irrevocably dark turn for the worst.

I recently had a woman I'd never met ask me to sit with her at the bus stop after work because she'd fired an employee that day and felt very uneasy. I was happy to do it. I didn't think she was crazy. I gave her six minutes of my day and felt good about it because I've felt the way she did. We all have.

If you find yourself in danger or if you're feeling like you might be, even if everything "seems" fine but your gut is telling you otherwise, ask for help, on the spot, without hesitation.

You have everything to lose for not asking when your intuition tells you your safety is at risk. The thing about intuition in situations like that is we rarely know it was right unless we ignore it - and that's ok. Ask anyway.

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Are You Drinking Your Own Vibrational Poison?

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 22:05:48 GMT

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: 3 Ways to Milk a Bad Mood and 4 Ways to Turn it Around

I'm going to be honest. I'm a girl who can do irritation like an Olympic gold medalist. I secretly enjoy irritation and even as I write that I am cringing a little. However, where some people might tend to flow anxiety, I often roll in a flow of being irritated. It's my vibrational poison of choice.

Why?

Because when I'm irritated I get to feel self-righteous. I get the satisfaction of feeling like I'm better than someone or something that has irritated me. And let me tell you, I do it well. It's a vibration I have nailed. I can fully admit I'm a little or a lot addicted.

There is this cashier at my favorite Target. She's worked there for a long time. I will stand in another cashiers line for ten extra minutes to avoid having to interact with this woman. She is loud and brash. She says some pretty inappropriate things at times and because she's so loud, it's hard not to notice.

I once watched her get very impatient with a woman who held up the line a bit while trying hard to sort her coupons for diapers and baby food. I'm still not over it. I especially do not like the glittery reindeer antlers she wears every damn day from October 15 until mid-January every year - and I know she wears them every day, because that's how often I am in Target. Additionally, I'm pretty sure she's racist. I'm not sure why I think that, but I do.

So, I can be having an amazingly blissful day when I walk into Target. My favorite Target has upgraded the cosmetics department to look and feel a lot like a department store. I can spend some quality time there. Not to mention, I love to stand in the cleaning supplies section and smell all the new Meyers cleaning products looking for my next favorite scent. There is a Starbucks in my favorite Target. I like Starbucks.

But the minute I've got my cart full and I'm headed to the checkout line, if I'm paying attention, I notice it. My vibration starts to nosedive because I'm looking for Betty.

I could walk around the long way and go to self-checkout. I don't.
I could go to another Target that is closer to my house that also has a Starbucks. I don't.
I could be a grown up and ignore her shrill cackling laugh. I don't.

I stand there with my fabulous Target purchases and stew in my irritation. I swear that woman must work 16 hours a day. She is always there. And I get my hit. I stand there and feel all the feels of irritation. I glance disapprovingly in her direction often enough she probably recognizes me and regrets the day she got impatient about the coupons - or at least I like to think that's what she's feeling...

Which of course she isn't.
But I digress.

Inevitably when I leave Target, my day is just a little less sparkly. It takes just a little more effort not to yell at my kid. I'm a little less excited about my Lemon Verbena Meyers cleaning spray then I was before. And I'd like to blame Betty, but I can't.

My choice to focus on how irritated I am with her for even a couple of minutes might give me a hit of self-satisfaction but it's costly and how costly exactly depends on the day. If I'm already teetering on a less than desirable mood, it can put me over the edge.

Notice I said choice because that's always what it is. Our thoughts don't ever think us, we think them and focus is always 100% in our control, 100% of the time, even in Target.

Now before you judge, let's face it, you also have a vibrational poison of choice. We all operate on feeling state addictions. We have well-practiced vibrations that highlight contrast and that's ok as long as you understand you're not your feelings.

There is a difference between saying, "I'm feeling anxious" or "I am anxious". We are not our feelings. We are never a victim of them. We choose our focus which dictates our thoughts that create emotion - period.

When I can say, I'm feeling irritated, I recognize that I AM not irritation. I can turn it off just as easily as I turned it on.

There are very few things in life worth voluntarily giving up your feel good and we all know that. Certainly, Betty from Target isn't worth it. The key to working that is realizing it's all voluntary.

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Ten Things Healthy Men Look for in a Woman

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 06 Dec 2018 20:46:08 GMT

Myth vs. Reality in Man Brain

I've seen a lot of articles written by women about what men want and I usually find them eyebrow-raising. Let's face it, that's the kind of info a man is much more qualified to dish out. However, even though I'm female, hear me out.

I get the bleacher seats inside the heads of a lot of people and a lot of those people are men. Man brain is fascinating to me. I like working with men for some of the obvious reasons. They are pretty straightforward. When they hire a coach, they usually take their marching orders pretty well. They've been programmed to do that since high school football. After years of listening to hundreds of men talk about women, I'm pretty convinced men are generally misunderstood when it comes to love, romance, and their expectations.

Women often mistakenly take their cues from advertising and media when they are trying to figure out what a man wants in a woman. And making that mistake can lend itself to some painful and costly outcomes. What I've learned from working with men over the years is there are more good guys out there than most women tend to believe. The assholes and takers get a lot of airtime and take up a lot of our attention. However, at the end of the day, most men are fundamentally good at heart and want to do what's right by the women they love.

Here are ten things I've learned about men, love, and romance after more than a decade of talking to men about women:

1. Sure, there are some men out there who want to date younger women, but it's not as many as you'd think.

For a woman in her forties and beyond that man will self-select himself out of her world and that's good news. If you're older than twenty-five and some guy is only interested in twenty-five-year-olds, he's probably not your guy. That kind of status dater doesn't make a good mate, even for the twenty-five-year-old he manages to seduce. She's not going to stay twenty-five forever.

Most men want to date a woman who makes them feel alive. That is usually why a younger woman might appeal. However, I can't tell you how many times I've heard a man revel in the beauty of dating an adult, a woman who knows herself, and knows what she wants. Men like experience and they like a woman who's emotionally mature. A balanced healthy man is looking for interesting over young every day of the week, every week of the year.

2. A man might like to look at a size four model in yoga pants, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her - unless she's naturally stick thin and stays that way without efforting.

Many studies show the body type most men find attractive isn't size four or even a six. Studies show the vast majority of men prefer bodies ranging between size eight and size fourteen. 78% of men say they'd rather date a confident plus sized woman than an insecure super-model. A lot of men really dig curves and love the body of a sexy woman size fourteen and beyond.

Many men perceive a woman who obsesses about being thin as someone who's going to be high maintenance. Again, a man might like to look at a woman who's done up perfectly and picture perfect from head to toe, fit for the cover of a magazine. However, they don't want to be in a relationship with her because they know that's not real and that they know that kind of not real costs a lot of time and money. The vast majority of men I talk to say they prefer a "natural" woman.

Men are most attracted to a woman when they think she's enjoying life. If they get a feeling she's withholding from herself to be thin that is a red flag for most men. Yes, they want her fit and healthy. However, that doesn't mean thin. That means healthy and active.

3. The thing that raises immediate red flags for a man is a woman who is hot mess financially.

That doesn't mean your finances have to be in tip-top shape to attract a man whose finances are in tip-top shape. However, exactly no man ever wants to feel like a meal ticket or the lottery in the dating game.

For men how a person manages money is a litmus test for a lot of things. Men, just like women, want to be in relationships with someone who is responsible. While not every man is responsible financially, men are used to being judged by their income in ways women aren't. So, they aren't generally excited about getting into a committed relationship with someone who can't handle their money.

I have learned a ton from talking to men about the many ways women "subtly" fish for income information and how sensitive men are to that. They don't like it and they won't trust a woman who does it.

4. Smart is sexy and passionate is just about every man's kryptonite.

When a man is talking about a woman he's in love with inevitably he will gush about how smart she is or how passionate she is about something she cares about.

Good men do not enjoy the company of a boring woman and smart is the antidote to dull. Men like to be challenged intellectually. Men tend to be drawn to women that have some fire for something and they are very drawn to women who have a fire for life in general.

Men read passion as sexiness. They are drawn to a woman who is excited about something. Passion about anything is seductive and men are more likely to find themselves attracted to a woman who is passionate about her life than they are a traditionally really hot woman who's flatlined in her life.

5. Men want a woman they can take home to meet their mother AND they want a woman they aren't worried will turn into their mother.

A man is unlikely to get serious about a woman he is concerned can't pass muster with his family or might embarrass him at his company Christmas party. While that might seem obvious, for a lot of women, it's hard to balance that with feel like she needs to be sexy to keep his attention.

On the flip side, while men do like a woman to have some maternal instincts, they don't want a woman who too easily fits the role of the soccer mom. Mary/Madonna complex might be a real thing. Which means too much Mary is a turnoff and too much Madonna might prevent a man from getting serious in a relationship.

6. Stating the obvious, men like a woman who takes care of herself.

You don't have to be all made up every day. However, men will notice when a woman cares about her appearance. Men aren't nearly as picky as we think they are. A shower and some mascara go a long way. However, when a woman is putting no effort into taking care of how she shows up in the world, a man will lose interest, not because he thinks she's not pretty, but because he thinks she doesn't care about herself or him.

Men can smell confidence or the lack thereof from miles away. Too much makeup and upkeep smell like insecurity to a man. Too little upkeep falls very flat because a man likes a woman who invests in taking care of herself and her needs. This goes for everything from wardrobe to workouts.

Every man I've ever talked to has secretly feared the woman he marries will "let herself go". That has much less to do with gaining weight than it does with giving up. Even as I write that, I don't like the implication given the things a woman goes through in a relationship, especially if children enter the picture. However, it's the truth. It terrifies a man to think the woman he thinks is super hot might one day quit trying.

7. Very few men want to be the center of your universe - no matter how much they care about you.

Balanced men like women who have a life. They are attracted to women who are interested in things they aren't. Healthy men want to be around women who spend time around other people. If a man doesn't want you to have a life of your own with friends and interests of your own, run for your life.

Men like interesting women who have interesting things going on ranging from careers to hobbies. They like a woman who makes them feel like the only person in the room when they are together, but aren't overly clingy or even engaged when they aren't. A text or two during the day is probably ok. More than that is probably going to set an expectation that many men aren't comfortable with.

Healthy men like an independent woman, but more specifically, an independent woman that makes them feel uniquely noticed and seen when they are with you.

8. Men are very attractive to a woman who's comfortable naked - at any size.

I know fashion models who can't have sex with the lights on and won't get out of bed without a robe. Any woman can have body image issues and men do not find that attractive.

Men love a woman who is comfortable in their own skin.
Men love the female form in all its uniqueness and glory.
A man loves watching his woman walk away, particularly naked.
More than anything, men love confidence and ease.
Body insecurity makes men uneasy. They feel like they need to try to fix it for their insecure partner and they can't. So, then they feel like they are failing. Physical nakedness requires vulnerability and intimacy. Men like to be with a woman who trusts them with that vulnerability.

9. Yes, men want sex.

That said, most don't want sex all the time the way many of us think they do.

Men want to know a sex life will be a priority for their partner. A man wants to know his partner isn't going to shut him out physically. He wants to know his partner wants him sexually. Men will be perfectly happy with less sex than they might think they want as long as they know their partner desires them and is still attracted.

Most of all, men want to know their partner isn't going to use sex as a bargaining chip or a weapon. They worry about this because a lot of them have experienced it. Nothing will break the intimate bond between a man and his partner faster than weaponizing sex. Any hint of that kind of transactional behavior coming from a woman is an immediate red flag.

10. Men are attracted to women who can take care of business - but will let them take care of her.

I can't tell you how many men I've heard say, "If something happened to me, I need to know she can handle things."

This goes beyond just managing money. Men are attracted to women who don't need to be in charge all the time, but when the ball falls in her court, they trust she can handle things and get shit done.

Men like a woman who has her house in order - literally and metaphorically. They don't want to have to be Mr. Fix Everything. He wants to know she can take care of herself and him if she needs to.

That said, men are not attracted to a woman who feels like she has to do it all. They especially do not enjoy being around a woman who wants to do it all because her way is the right way or only she can do it right. Every man I know has a story about a woman like that.

A balanced healthy man loves to open a door, carry the groceries, fix the plugged sink, and generally take care of his woman. Strong men by their nature are caretakers and providers. When a woman can't lean into that masculine energy and receive a man will be turned off and he may not even know why.

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The Very True Story About that One Time I Caused My Puppy an Eating Disorder

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 15 Nov 2018 17:03:10 GMT

Some words are more powerful than others.

I am the proud parent of the most spectacular silver pug named Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire. She is the best and she came into my life when I needed her most. I chose her before she was born and brought her home the very day her biological mother successfully weaned her.

My bouncing baby pug of joy was perfectly pudgy from the start. She was fatter than any pug puppy I'd ever seen. At eight weeks she was an absolutely round ball of pugness. Everyone from the vet to knowledgeable friends told me a fat puppy is a healthy puppy. So, we fed her like we normally would and she ate like a champ.

This isn't my first pug rodeo. I have another pug at home. We've always had pugs. Pugs tend to be fat because they love to overeat and people love to overfeed them. Also, people often think pugs are cuter when they're heavier. However, I've always prided myself in raising pugs that were slim and trim - because you know, pug health is serious business. Bottom line: I don't raise fat pugs.

At sixteen weeks when we took Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire in to get fixed, we got the standard quote. It'll be $120.00 unless she's in heat or there is some other kind of complication - which of course I knew there wouldn't be because my baby was perfect. So, imagine my surprise when I picked her up and the bill was $150.00. Tulip wasn't in heat. They charged me extra because she had so much belly fat. We joked about it being the tubby tax or the chubby charge.

I was assured Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire would grow out of her chubby phase. I stalked her siblings on the pug family Facebook page and came to the conclusion they were all perfectly plump. It wasn't just her. They were all just a little more squeezable.

Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire was about six months old when my son and daughter-in-law visited, bringing my grand-pug, Bull Dozer. Yes, I have a grand-pug. Don't judge me.

Dozer is a very fit and thin pug on a super healthy raw food diet. My daughter-in-law has researched his diet like the mother of any first child would. Basically, he eats like a wolf in the wild. My dogs also eat raw freshly prepared meals daily. However, trust me, it's not a wolf diet. There was some conversation about how different they looked. We joked a little or a lot about how plump Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire looked compared to Bull Dozer.

We kind of got on a roll. Even after they left we kept joking about it - giving her a hard time for being double-wide after her dinner. I am not proud to admit we started using the word "f" word. -Fat is a word I hate, but I did it.

And then it happened. A few nights later, Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire didn't finish her dinner. As my husband picked up all the bowls, (we have five dogs), he asked me if she'd seemed sick that day. Tulip never left food in the bowl, but she did that night, and the next night, and the next. She seemed fine. She was playful and happy, but she wasn't finishing her food.

Now I'm not saying my puppy put herself on a diet exactly because you know, a puppy wouldn't do that, right?

Except she did. I swear to Goddess, Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire started calorie restricting. Maybe she didn't like being called fat. Go figure.

Some of you reading this might think one of two things. You might be thinking, Good for Tulip. A fat dog isn't a healthy dog. Why worry when nature is correcting itself? This is exactly what the vet said because of course, I called the vet. I'm that kind of pet parent. The vet is on speed dial and I'm not afraid to use it.

Some of you might be thinking, Lisa has lost her damn mind thinking her puppy went on a voluntary diet because of body image issues.

I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking I caused my baby to have an eating disorder and I felt horribly guilty. The good news is I know how to coach body love. I can do that in my sleep. I've walked that road with hundreds of clients.

So, I went to work with Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire. I had a long talk with her about how perfect she is and about her adorable healthy body. We snuggled her and gushed about how soft and cuddly she was. I took photos of her and showed her how damn cute they were - a lot of them. We did daily affirmations about a being a happy healthy puppy and how perfect we thought she was. This, of course, seemed absolutely rational in our home. Every puppy needs a coach, right?

I bet you know what happened next. A few days later Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire started eating all her food again. She'd finish dinner and march herself out of the bathroom where she eats like a runway model, proud, double-wide, and happy. She's been that proud and plump puppy runway model every night after dinner since.

Words are powerful and some are more powerful than others. Fat is a terrible word that carries a special kind of ugly energy. The word fat is like a curse that a powerful black magic maker would wield at their enemies.

There's no excuse for calling a puppy fat and there's no excuse for saying it to anyone else either. We know that which is why it's almost taboo to call another woman fat. However, do you want to know what's not that rare?? Using that word when we think about our own bodies.

In a Glamour survey, 97% of women admitted having at least one abusive thought about their body daily - most of which had to do with being fat. Another study shows that on average women think 252 negative thoughts about their bodies a week - and while you might think those thoughts happen in the isolation of your own head so they are mostly harmless, I can assure you - your body is listening - just like Tulip was - and those thoughts have a massive and immediate impact every-single-time.

The most subversive act of feminine revolution you can do is learn to love your body the way she is right now. Multibillion-dollar industries are built so predators can profit off of our self-loathing. There are better things we could be spending our money and our energy on that body shame and self-loathing.

When you commit to never saying things to yourself about your own body you wouldn't say to your best friend, you change your relationship with your body in a powerful way - that is of course unless you would call your bestie fat, in which case you aren't a very good best friend. And I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You can't hate your body enough to make her thin - that's not the way the system works. In fact, body shame will quite likely yield the opposite result.

So, here is Tulip Penelope Persephone Claire's favorite affirmation:
"My body is a perfect container for love and life".
That one makes her little face light up and I can almost see her smiling when I say it to her over and over again. Sure, it might be because she thinks I'm crazy too. However, I think it's a good place to start for all of us.

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Seven Day Checklist to Reclaiming Your Sanity

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 30 Oct 2018 21:42:17 GMT

And yoga is no where on the list unless you want it to be...

Day One: Curate your social media feeds with people you'd invite into your home.

All that noise on your social media feed seeps in your brain in ways almost no one understands or can predict, even when you're doing the speed-scroll . A lot of it is not good for you.

Start thinking about your social media feeds as if they were your living room. If you would not invite that person over for coffee, there is no reason they need to be on your wall seeping into your brain. The truth for most of us is the majority of the people in our social media circles are not real friends. You don't have to agree with everyone you follow. However, if you wouldn't want to spend time with them, they probably shouldn't make the cut. It's perfectly ok unfollow or even unfriend. Letting them go is like cutting sugar out of your diet. Then you can curate a social media experience that feeds your soul.

Day Two: Create and commit to an afternoon tea ritual.

People all over the world do it and they do it for a reason. Afternoon tea is a way of putting a period at the end of one part of your day with an intentional pause to refresh for the next part of your day. It forces you to slow down and savor. When you make it a habit you are building a habit of savoring things - which is a very good habit to have.

I don't want to hear you don't have time, because you can make the time for all kinds of things that aren't mission critical. You do it every day. Afternoon tea is a non-essential beautiful thing that anchors you in a state of peace and beauty. Gifting yourself some peace and beauty every day is an antidote to the insanity out there that's making you anxious. So, get some tea and a book or journal to spend some time with while it brews, not once, but every-damn-day.

Day Three: Turn off the alerts on your phone.

I'm sure there is a study out there somewhere that proves those binging and dinging alerts coming from your phone cause an instant spike in anxiety. Exactly no one needs a spike in anxiety.

Between news alerts and social media alerts many of us carry devices that call for and get our attention instantly with a notification ding. That ding makes being present in your moments next to impossible. Those pings are designed to disturb you and they are very effective.

You do not need a CNN alert every time there is a disaster somewhere in the world or the President offends someone. You also do not need the satisfaction of a ping every time someone likes your latest Facebook post or Instagram photo. What you do need it to reclaim your attention and sovereignty over your electronics so you are using them instead of them running you.

Day Four: Replace one hour of your daily screen time with music.

And by screen time - I might mean TV.

Music is pure magic. There is nothing better at lifting a mood or relieving stress than music. Think road-trip with a perfect mix tape. Music can curate an experience and a vibration better than anything else. It's almost like mood of your choice on demand.

Music has a very similar effect on the brain as meditation does. Let's get super-real here. A lot of us wish we meditated an hour a day, but almost no real living human actually does. However, anyone can pump the tunes for an hour to set a mood of your choice in motion.

Additionally, that intentional break from digital stimuli is very good for your brain. It improves concentration, sleep, and creativity.

Day Five: Smudge yourself, your stuff, and your space daily.

Smudging is not just whoo whoo nonsense. There is some solid scientific research that shows sage or cedar smudging is very effective for cleaning bacteria and pollutants from your environment. Additionally cultures from all over the world throughout history have had smudging rituals for clearing negative icky energy.

You know, bad mood? Smudge.
Cranky friend? Smudge.
Haunted basement? Smudge.

Now, I've heard it all before:
I'm allergic to sage. Use lavender.
I can't use smoke in my apartment. Get a spray.
My husband will think I'm crazy pants - Do it anyway.

Smudging is about one part thing your smudging with and one hundred parts intention. So, find something to work with and smudge all that nastiness off your body, your stuff and out of your space - every day - preferably twice a day, once in the morning and again before bed.

Day Six: Commence with an intentional smiling practice - even if you have to fake the joy.

Studies show that people instinctively respond to a natural smile better than they do a fake one. However, I don't need a study to know that people will respond to a fake smile better than the absence of one all together. Smiling makes things better.

However, here's the secret beauty of a smile - your brain will respond to a fake smile almost exactly the way it responds to a spontaneous one. Your brain is an ever operating pharmacy. Smiling triggers a flood of feel good brain chemicals that are at your disposal 24/7.

So, smile at everyone, even the people you don't like, even when you don't feel like it. If your schedule doesn't involve seeing people to smile at all, set a timer and smile like a crazy person for at least a half hour a day.

Your brain will thank you.

Day Seven: Start now and Memorize a new poem every-single-week.

Poetry is powerful medicine. I know some people who might say poetry isn't their jam. However, I'd say it's because they haven't found the right poet.

Some of the greatest thinkers of our time and in history of express(ed) themselves in poetry. Poets have a way of seeing life, love, struggle, and triumph as art. The right poet can shift the way you see things through prose without effort.

The very act of memorizing something requires attention and intention. It requires a special kind of focus that changes your brain. When you memorize something it's an act of choice and that changes you and your perspective in ways that aren't obvious but are very powerful. That thing becomes a part of you in a very magical way.

Extra bonus: Having an internal library of memorized poetry up-levels your cool-factor exponentially.

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If You Don't Believe You Deserve Only Good Things You're Better Off Single than Dating

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 18 Oct 2018 04:09:32 GMT

because bad men can smell desperation from miles away.

Maddie was one of those women that seemed to have it together all the time. She looked like she walked off the cover of a magazine most days and it didn't require a lot of effort for her to pull that off. She was gorgeous, naturally - you know, one of those women who really did wake up that way. She's also wicked smart. With a Ph.D. in Physics, Maddie was one of the youngest professors where she taught at the University she graduated from.

She was confident.
She's a quiet, but masterful conversationalist, well read, and well traveled.
Her French Bulldog named August is perfectly behaved and her apartment was perfectly designed.
Maddie had a solid group of friends she got together with regularly. She was close to her family and hung out with her sisters at least once almost every week.

Maddie had it all. She had an uncommon combination of brains, beauty, and drive and her life ran like a symphony. It was a thing of beauty. However, there was a problem. Maddie didn't see any of it.

Maddie straight up thought she was unattractive. She referred to herself as "mousy". She felt like she should have been further along in her career than she was. She constantly felt behind. Maddie felt like she was never quite smart enough and was afraid someone would figure out she was a fraud. She joked about how August, the Frenchie, had to be her soulmate because no one else would love her.

Maddie also felt like her friends and her sisters were moving on in their lives and leaving her behind. Many of them were married. They were having kids. They were moving out of the city, leaving their apartments behind to buy houses with yards. It was all proof for her that she was failing, falling behind, and she felt unworthy.

Then Charles came along. He taught at the same University she did. He was a handsome, older man who was just finishing up the final pesky details of a messy divorce when he invited her for drinks the first time. She almost said no. She'd heard the rumors. Everyone had. But Charles was charming and he didn't try to hide the fact that he was interested in her. So, she went on the date, and then went on another and another. Before she knew it, Maddie forgot the rumors. The warmth of his attention was a beautiful thing. It was addicting.

It was only four months after that first date when Maddie and August the Frenchie, moved out of their apartment for a house with a yard just out of the city to be with Charles. Her friends and family subtly suggested she was rushing things, but she wasn't having it. Charles wanted it and she felt ready. Besides, he made her happy. For the first time in forever, she felt loved.

Maddie and Charles had been living together only a few days when he told her he preferred blonds. He said it jokingly but kept slipping it into conversations. He also started hinting that he'd prefer to see her in "more dresses and skirts that showed off her curves". At first, she ignored it, but it wasn't too long before she started shopping for new clothes and got her hair highlighted - a lot.

Charles liked to joke about her weight and the things she ate. He bought her an expensive elliptical for her birthday. At 130 pounds, Charles told her he loved her the way she was but was concerned about her health.

Charles didn't like her friends. He didn't even try to hide it. He thought her friends were beneath her. They weren't sophisticated enough. He didn't like it when she went out for girls dates with her friends, or her sisters for that matter. He complained about having to take care of August, the Frenchie when she was gone. So, she started going out less and seeing a lot less of her family. It was easier that way, partly because her parents didn't like Charles.

Charles mentioned occasionally that he felt like the University wasn't taking Maddie's work seriously. He hinted it was because she wasn't professional enough. He thought she was too friendly with her students. He also suggested her research project wasn't going to go anywhere because her theories weren't well thought out. Maddie dismissed that at first. Her research project had been approved by the board. They thought it was well enough thought out. However, it stuck with her. All of it. Maybe she wasn't producing good enough work to be taken seriously.

And then after several months, he suggested she might not need to work...

In fact, he did more than suggest. Charles told Maddie that he needed a partner who could provide more support to his career. He was going places. His work was important. He needed her to get behind him.

Charles told her other professors were whispering about her behind her back saying her program wasn't pulling its weight. She was miserable, but she felt fortunate to be living in a situation where she could take a break and regroup.

It had been months since she'd seen her friends and weeks since she'd spent time with her family. In a vacuum of support and a fog of self-doubt, Maddie notified the University she would be taking a leave of absense at the end of the semester. She didn't recognize herself when she looked in her closet or when she looked in the mirror. She was a 112-pound blond, with dark circles under her eyes.

Three weeks after leaving her job, Maddie got a call from a former colleague. She spoke in a whisper as when she said, "Maddie, I just think you deserve to hear it from someone you know before it becomes public."

Charles was being investigated for multiple inappropriate relationships with students. However, that was not the worst of it. He was also being investigated by the police for sexual assault after a female student reported him for groping her and threatening to fail her if she didn't have sex with him.

Charles had an explanation for everything. He told her the University was trying to side-step his tenure because his department was too expensive. He explained this kind of thing was the very reason he needed a supportive partner at home and she might need to publicly speak out against the allegations.

Maddie didn't believe him. But she told him she did. She cried herself to sleep every night for a week. Charles didn't notice. He was drinking himself to sleep.

And then it happened. Charles was suspended pending the outcome of the police and University investigation. He was home all day and he vacillated between love bombing and rage - which is exactly what men who love bomb do. One moment he'd angst about how his life was over. The next moment he'd gush on and on about what a blessing it was because now he could finally work on his book and they could have so much time together.

Too much time. Maddie felt smothered. So, one afternoon she took an extended trip to the grocery store and stopped for ice cream on the way home - the first ice cream she'd had in almost a year.

When she got home, August, the Frenchie didn't rush the door to greet her. She found him upstairs cowering in a corner, locked in a guest bedroom. Charles was fuming. August was barking at the neighbor dog while he was trying to write.

Charles told her August had to go.
He never agreed to have a pet.

Maddie didn't feel like cooking so they ordered Chinese food. They barely spoke while they ate. Charles drank himself to sleep earlier than usual. At 1 a.m. Maddie called her sister from the backseat of an Uber. When Maddie walked into her sister's apartment in the middle of the night, she felt completely numb. Her sister's fiance hadn't seen Maddie for so long he didn't recognize her. She felt completely hollowed out.

...and there she was, thirty-four years old, no job, no apartment, no furniture, and no plan. She had a suitcase full of clothing she didn't want anymore and she had August - which at that point was all that mattered.

Maddie's sister made tea and they sat together in the dining room until the sun came up, looking out a window with a view of the street below. "I should have seen it. I shouldn't have ignored the rumors or all the signs. I shouldn't have moved in with him. Everyone knew. I just didn't want to face it." Then she took a breath and continued, "Maybe if I'd tried harder. Maybe if I'd talked to him and tried to help him. I should have encouraged him to stop drinking. Maybe if I had made a public statement when he asked me too..."

Her voice trailed off and her sister replied as Maddie stared at the cars on the street. "Charles is a terrible human. You and I both know he did those things. However, Madison, Charles wasn't your mistake. Your mistake was getting into a relationship with someone who didn't value you and that happened because you didn't value yourself. You had no business dating and I should have stopped you. I should have done something when I realized how bad it was. No one with any kind of self-esteem would have allowed themselves to be controlled and isolated as easily and as quickly as you did."

And there was nothing else to say because that was the truth.

Maddie was the perfect mate for a narcissistic controlling abuser. However, he could have just as easily been a serial killer. A woman who doesn't love herself is always a great risk of falling for a man who will take advantage of her inability to value herself. That kind of vulnerability is dangerous in the wrong hands. The risk is real and the consequences are steep. The bottom line is, if you don't feel valuable, and completely worthy of only good things, you shouldn't be dating at all. Being alone while you're figuring yourself out is way better than being with an abuser, no matter how long it takes to get emotionally healthy.

Update: Maddie went back to her former University and asked for her job back. They politely declined. They lost the remainder of the grant funding for her research project when she left. However, they did give her a glowing recommendation and she got a position at another school.

Maddie and August moved into a beautiful apartment overlooking a park easy walking distance to campus. She dyed her hair back to it's former chestnut brown, refitted herself with a new wardrobe she loved, and furnished her new apartment perfectly. She ate ice cream for breakfast every morning and put on twenty glorious pounds. She never looked better.

Fifty-two therapy sessions and a full year and one week after Maddie left Charles, August had puppies and Maddie met the man she would end up marrying. August's vet is an incredibly handsome, beautiful on the inside and out kind of man.

Charles lost his tenure because he went to prison.

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In Case You Are Wondering If You Were Raped

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 26 Sep 2018 22:30:28 GMT

and for the record, a lot of women are.

I've had more conversations in the last few days with adult women than I care to count recounting situations where they weren't sure they were sexually assaulted. However, the lack of certainty doesn't negate the trauma.

As adult women we know we need to educate our children about sex and consent. However, that's a tall order when many women still haven't been able to sort through their own trauma. Many see consent as a whole lot of shades of grey. It's not. It's not. Consent is very black and white. Unfortunately for a lot of grown women, our mothers didn't have a language to talk to us about sexual assault. A lot of our mothers didn't teach us about consent - they didn't understand it themselves.

Many of us grew up hearing a message about how to avoid "asking for it".
Lots of us heard the messaging about "what she was wearing". Too many women have been asked that question. While as adult women now, we know better than that, those attitudes are deeply rooted in our psyches. We may not be as far past the shame as we think we are.

For reasons that are very obvious, we need to get crystal clear, with ourselves right now.
No means no and there is no consent without choice.

Here are some things to remember:

1. If you were too drunk or disoriented for any reason to say yes, you couldn't consent.
It doesn't matter if someone slipped something in your drink or if you drank yourself into oblivion. If you weren't conscious or consciously aware and someone takes advantage of that, you could not consent.

2. If you were all in on a solid makeout session but didn't want to go all the way and then someone used that momentum to go places you didn't want to go, you did not consent. One yes is not a blanket statement. Consent is a step by step process, not a hall pass for any and everything.

3. If you didn't run, fight, or try to get away that doesn't mean you consented. There is no handbook for surviving and assault. There are no "right steps" to take. Exactly no one has their attorney present to make sure you get it all right for your rape. Failure to flee isn't a failure at all and it doesn't mean you consented.

4. If you continued to hang out with your attacker, even if you continued to date him, that doesn't mean you consented to sex you didn't want last week or last night. Sexual assault is confusing. It's unfortunately often social. Most women know their attackers. Sometimes women stay in relationship with men who hurt them. That doesn't mean you consented.

5. If you consented last night but you were forced the next night by the same partner, that is not consent. Consent expires. You can say yes, and then say no the next day, and then say yes the day after that. Consent is not a membership club.

6. It doesn't matter if you're married. A marriage license is not a license to screw. Your husband can rape you. That should go without saying, but it's still very confusing territory for a lot of men and women. You can say no to anyone at any point, including the father of your children or the man you walked down the aisle with.

7. If you put yourself in a risky environment, that is not implied consent. There is no such thing as implied consent. Maybe you went to the frat party. Maybe you went to a swingers event. Maybe you went to a sex club. Maybe you consensually walked into a space you wish you hadn't. That doesn't mean anyone has the right to assume you're free game.

This is a really good video. Everyone, male and female should watch it.

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4 Things to Let Yourself Off the Hook for So You Can Thrive Now

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 05:31:09 GMT

1. Let yourself off the hook for loving the life you have right now.

There is a shit ton of pressure out there to want more, more money, more time, more clients, more of everything. Oprah built an industry from the clarion call, "live your best life" as if living the life you've got isn't the best.

Not everyone wants more. We don't all want to go out and slay or be a lady-boss. You don't need permission to be gloriously happy with what you've got. In fact, whether you want more or not, you absolutely should be happy as a clam right where you are. Things work better that way.

You can let yourself off the hook for not wanting a mega-business or a Pinterest-pro level home. You can let yourself off the hook for not wanting to get married if you're single. You can let yourself off the hook for not craving kids if you don't want them.

The drumbeat of hustle isn't for everyone. It might not be useful for anyone.
The drive for more is uncomfortably married to a tendency for perfectionism. It is ok to acknowledge you already have enough - you are already enough - you love what you've got and this is your best life.

More is not always better.

2. Let yourself off the hook for not doing more for other people.

I know you think your precious kids should be in every sport, taking music lessons, in the drama club, and on the debate team. I know you think their future literally depends on that organic lunch you want to pack. But let me tell you now without any doubt, it doesn't. You simply can't rack up enough good parent points to get your kid into Harvard.

I know you feel guilty about not making cookies for the neighborhood association bake sale. I know you wish you'd gone to the doctor with your sister when she asked you for a ride. I know you felt guilty about saying no to your boss when she asked you for overtime. I feel you. I really do.

You've gotten better about saying "no" as a one-word sentence. However, chances are high, you still nail yourself to the cross of obligation for doing it. Learning to say no is not freedom if you don't give yourself permission to enjoy the freedom you buy with your boundaries.

3. Let yourself off the hook for having the body you have right now.

Public notice to the "the body love movement is an excuse not to take care of yourself" crowd: Everyone takes better care of a body they love and respect than they will a body they loath and want to hide.

Seriously, if you're eating the way you know you should and moving your body the way she wants to be moved, you are at your ideal body weight. Rejoice in the sheer delight of knowing you're body will settle where she wants to happy and you can be thrilled relaxing into her wisdom.

Let yourself off the hook for not being a size 6, or 14, or 2, or whatever size you're not. Let yourself off the hook for not having an athletic build or for not being curvy. You can, in fact, enjoy being in the skin you're in without feeling guilty about not being on a diet or not training for that next 5k.

You don't have to diet just because everyone else is. Exercise how you want to or not. Let yourself off the hook for not having the motivation to measure yourself on someone else's yardstick.

4. Let yourself off the hook for not reaching your dreams.

I know it might sound like a bitter pill to swallow, but maybe you didn't get there and maybe it's awesome anyway. We all have dreams and it's not breaking news to report not all of them come true.

I can think of at least a dozen dreams I've had without even taking a pause that in retrospect I'm really happy tanked miserably. Dreams lived best are an inspiration point, not an absolute destination. You can navigate by your dreams without getting there exactly and still end up exactly where you were intended to land.

Our wildest dreams reveal more about who we are than what we want. If you had a big dream that didn't unfold, that doesn't mean that desire didn't serve a purpose. Even if you think it's dead, it doesn't always mean it is. Dreams have a way of evolving for the times. They tend to be more flexible than we are at times.

If you haven't achieved a dream that once seemed important, it's ok to let yourself off the hook and relax into the amazing brilliance of your here and now. You can thank that dream for fueling the amazing fabulousness that is the life you created along the journey.

Sometimes dreams fail miserably. Sometimes they flame out over time. Sometimes they simmer for what seems like forever and then catch fire and thrive. Sometimes a dream is irrelevant in comparison to the fabulousness that unfolds when you're planning something else.

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One Magic Sentence that Can Shift Your Vibration and Your Life

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 13 Sep 2018 20:00:20 GMT

I think it's human nature. We're always looking for a quick fix or a magic pill to fix what needs fixing with little to no effort. Those kinds of magic pills rarely exist. We spend a lot of time and money trying to find them and they just don't deliver as promised. Ask just about anyone. We've all tried.

However, today's your lucky day. I've got a quick fix for you, and I know from personal experience this one is magic.

Let me explain. We like to make it complicated. However deliberate creation is really only a combination of two things. The first element is your focus. The second element is your dominant vibration. Generally speaking, we get what we focus on UNLESS we block the magic because our dominant vibration isn't in the neighborhood of the thing we're trying to attract.

Dominant vibration has more to do with deliberate creation than we like to think it does. Dominant vibration is generally defined as your overall mood or attitude. You can focus all damn day on that amazing thing you want to attract or create. However, if you're feeling like shit while you're doing it, you're wasting your time with all that effort you're putting into your focus. You will mostly attract more things and experiences that feel like shit. That wonderful thing will elude you if you can't get in the vibrational neighborhood of what you want.

This is why when things are good, they tend to just keep getting better and when things are crappy, they tend to just keep getting crappier. The trend of your attraction will always follow your dominant vibration. While this is very good news if you're rocking your vibration like a boss, it's not that awesome if you feel like you're running on the short end of the vibrational stick.

So, how do you shift the vibrational tide when it's not flowing in the direction you want it to flow? Anyone who's tried knows that can be more challenging than you want it to be.

So, here's your magical quick fix:
"May you be blessed and may your wishes be granted".

Every person you see, think about, or interact with in anyway, bless them.
"May you be blessed and may your wishes be granted".
It's that simple and it's crazy effective if you apply it liberally and consistently.

Pretend like you're actually a magic maker that has real power to change lives with a simple blessing. Act like you're everyone's Fairy God Mother. Imagine you can sprinkle unicorn dust on everyone's life as you pass by - then do it - - for everyone without exception.

A woman passes you on the sidewalk - bless her.
The teenager serving your food at the restaurant - bless them.
Telemarketer calling during dinner - bless them.
The person that sent you the utility bill - bless them.
That man who just cut you off in traffic - bless him and everyone else you pass on the road.
Your partner, your kids, your clients, your friends on Facebook, bless them all. The more you bless the more magical you become. Everyone is an opportunity to become more magical

No, you don't have to do it out loud. Saying it in your head is just fine. It's an energetic head trick.

So, here's the magic are the reasons this is a magic pill kind of practice.
First of all, we are all connected, in real tangible, energetic ways. Solid science tells us we are much more connected than we might think. We do not live in a state of separateness. When you wish someone blessings, you have the actual literal power to impact them in a positive way. How much power would depend on a variety of factors that make it very hard to calculate. However, generally speaking, it's safe to say, you can make magic for another, especially if your wishes flow without attachment or expectation.

Secondly, because we are all connected, people will feel it. I think this works best when you bless everyone and everything whether you're interacting with them or not. The more blessing the better. However, when you're blessing people you do interact with, those interactions tend to flow much more joyfully. People and animals have a sixth sense for good vibes coming their way. When you have another's best interests at heart, it's perceptible and you will find everyone you engage with tends to want what's best for you too. The vibe of goodwill flows freely.

Third, humans are programmed to be altruistic. Giving and doing good things for other people lights up the reward centers in the human brain. Giving often feels as good or better than receiving and has longer positive effects on happiness. The brain chemicals of generosity are very powerful. Studies have shown that acts of kindness or volunteering can be valuable tools for combating situational depression. Even when you are just wishing someone well or intending a stranger a blessing, your psychology is positively affected.

Fourth, the energy you're putting out in the multiverse when you are blessing others lovingly is generally is an energy of just that - a blessing. We all know we attract what we're putting out. So, when you're leveraging a practice of being a blessing bringer for everyone you encounter, you tend to attract a lot more things that feel like love and blessings. It tends to create a very positive polarity in your point of attraction. Good things start showing up without explanation. Your dominant vibration rocks, in a good kind of way.

So, repeat after me: "May you be blessed and may your wishes be granted".
Then rinse and repeat over and over and over again. Try it for a week with serious commitment. You'll thank me. I promise.

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Most Parents Want to Teach Their Children to Succeed

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 06 Sep 2018 19:39:33 GMT

I want to teach my children to fail fabulously.

Last night things got really rocky in our house when my ten-year-old had a breakdown while trying to build the garage for his motor city out of a cardboard box. This is a project he's been planning for days, which is just like decades for a ten-year-old. I'm not sure what went wrong, but something sure did and the angry tears of failure started to flow hard.

Those tears sting. I know it and so do you. We've all felt them flow. When the thing you want seems to elude you, when the pieces don't come together, when you tried your hardest and it ends up in flames, those tears are bitter and beautiful.

As I watched him cry in a fit of miserable discouragement we repeated the lesson I've been preaching a lot recently. Embrace the failure.
Failing fabulously is the path to where you want to be if you don't quit.

If I only teach my children one thing, I want to teach them to thrive in failing -- and it's hard because failure doesn't feel good. However, if you master failure the prospects are glorious. Failure and genius roll hand in hand. The path to evolution is almost always paved with painful, heart wrenching false starts and things that feel like a failure.

I want to vote for the candidate that had to stand in front of all their volunteers, staff, and supporters at about 9:30 p.m. on election night and say, "We did our best. We came up short. I concede." And then went home and started planning their next run for elected office. My money is on that person because their conviction is stronger than the sting they felt in defeat.

I want to watch the movie who's writer shopped their screenplay to twenty-nine studios and got rejected each time. However, they believed in their story enough to shop it to the thirtieth studio who made it a blockbuster.

I want to read the book written by the author who got enough rejection letters from publishers for their manuscript to wallpaper their office - and their dining room. That author who couldn't give up on their words, who ran out of options and didn't think twice about self-publishing a best seller - that's an author whose words I want to read.

I want to listen to the music by the singer/songwriter who had to produce their own album because no one would touch it. You know the one, the overnight success who's been playing clubs in the dark for fifteen years after waiting tables all day. That musician who came out of nowhere, but was always there and never gave up. That's the music I want to hear.

I want to spend my money on the technology that is in its 7.0 version. It launched and failed. They launched it again. It was buggy. They launched it again, there was a security breach. But they kept launching it. They didn't trash it. The investors got nervous, maybe even pulled out. But they built on the wisdom gained in the miserable failure of previous versions. That technology is going to be a solid bet.

I will lay down money every single time on the person who gets out of the ditch after rejection and keeps doing their thing, when it's broken, to an audience of no one, when no one is buying, even when, maybe especially when they feel invisible. I want to follow the person who assumes no one will follow but they keep leading anyway.

While most parents want to teach their children how to succeed, I know for sure I want to teach my children to fail because if they can fail without flaming out, success is a remarkably low benchmark. Failing greatly, learning from those failures, and moving forward smarter and stronger is the kind of momentum that can change the world.

That is what I want for my boys, and for myself, and for you.

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4 Do It Today Ways to Upgrade Your Deliberate Creation Practice

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 05:18:59 GMT

1. Play your own game.

And compare and despair isn't a game. It's a soul-sucking bad habit. If you want to fuel your deliberate creation practice with pure rocket fuel, be you, do you, for you.

Trying to be some version of someone else will water down your magic. Trying to emulate someone else's success will keep your own dreams at arm's length. You are made of mystery under your own constellation of stardust. Every single thing about you is unique. Morphing yourself into a lesser version of you to fit in someone else's box is disconnects you from miracles that should be your second nature.

Worship the things that make you different. Feed your wildest dreams. Create some righteous chaos. Do it on your terms.

2. Stop complaining.

No one loves some juicy complaining more than I do. It's a guilty pleasure - kind of like crack cocaine. However, the problems with complaining and crack cocaine are they both become an addiction and they both leave you feeling bad about yourself and your life choices.

Sure, I know. Sometimes you've got to get it off your chest because holding your feelings in isn't healthy. However, once you've processed your feelings, regurgitating that stuff for entertainment purposes it's good for you or your vibration. The overall toll of complaining on your vibration makes complaining a very expensive habit.

Additionally, when you complain, you are focused squarely on things you do not want and we all know where that leads. You don't want to stoke those embers, because those small little embers can become a forest fire that's fucking hard to put out.

3. Stay in your lane.

There is a saying, "There is your business, other people's business, and God's business." If you follow that equation, surprisingly few things will fall in the category of your business.

I know the seduction of straying out of my lane. I know how satisfying it is to take responsibility for things that aren't mine or aren't my business. I mean, no one can handle shit as well as I can. Right?

But here's thing. There is only so much energy in a day. When you're spending your energy on stuff that's not yours, you end up in an energy debt pretty quickly. It takes energy to build a life you love. It takes energy to manifest. If you're wasting your energy on stuff that's not yours to do, you won't have the juice you need to fuel your own life. It literally bleeds your magic. When you do that it's no one's fault but your own, no matter how it might seem like you didn't have a choice.

4. Play make believe that you're a wildly powerful and slightly eccentric Sorceress every single day.

You know, like your every thought was powerful and eating your damn breakfast was a ritual that conjures magic.

A wildly powerful and slightly eccentric Sorceress knows too much to pretend that her thoughts weren't awesomely potent. She would manage her focus like it was a wand or a weapon. She would know her thoughts were a responsibility and treat them accordingly.

A wildly powerful and slightly eccentric Sorceress would do her day however she damn well pleased. She would never apologize for her feelings. She would treat the word "no" like a stand-alone sentence on the regular. She would consider setbacks minor inconveniences and simply cast a flamboyant new spell to get shit back on track - and that wouldn't be hard because she knows three or four thoughts strung together and mixed with some glitter can be a hell of a spell.

If you get up every morning and pretend you're the most damn magical creature on earth, you're going to notice yourself making miracles look easy.

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5 Habits of Unhappy Couples and How to Avoid Them

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 28 Aug 2018 01:32:23 GMT

It's never just one thing.

1. They only "work on their relationship" when they are fighting.

The vast majority of couples only deal with the issues in their relationship when they are fighting about them - which by the way is the worst possible time to try to fix things.

When the going gets hot communication breaks down. Each person's ability to hear the other goes right down the toilet when defenses come up. Couples need to create spaces and times in their relationship to problem solve when they are at their best and no one is at their best when they're angry.

I'm not suggesting anger is bad or that you should never fight. However, you're not going to fix anything in a way that's sustainable from that energy.
It just doesn't work.

2. They quit expressing appreciation.

Show me a couple where thank yous don't flow liberally between them and I'll show you a couple that has a lot of resentments lurking just under the surface.

Politeness and appreciation are the two things that make the day to day business of sharing a bathroom sink and a closet with someone doable.

Appreciation tends to flow very easily at the beginning of a relationship. However, as the newness starts to wear off, appreciation can drift to other things. The problem is, you get what you focus on. When you quit focusing on appreciation you find fewer and fewer things to appreciate.

Appreciation is an aphrodisiac. Without it intimacy starts to feel like a chore.

3. They stop prioritizing romance.

I often say romance feels like appreciation to most people. What feels like romance is different for almost everyone. However, we need to know our partners enough to know what makes them feel special - and then do it.

I get frustrated with men who say they don't know how to be romantic. I just don't buy it. They do know how to be romantic. They just don't want to have to put out the effort to get laid.

I also get frustrated with women who complain about not getting enough romance but rarely even consider trying to show up for their partner romantically by putting in the effort themselves.

Romance isn't very useful as a one-off kind of thing. Pulling out the stops for your anniversary is good, but it's better when you invest in creating a romantic relationship on the daily.

A picnic, a movie together, occasional flowers, dinner out, a Sunday afternoon walk...

We know how to do these things - couples who don't stop feeling like a couple sooner than later.

4. They criticize each other.

A lot of research has been done on partners who are critical of one another. The research all says the same thing. Couples who criticize will not remain a couple.

When a person picks at their partner over little things or big things regularly it starts to erode the sense of safety in the relationship. It also breaks down intimate communication in all areas of the relationship.

Partners who are strongly and routinely criticised start to feel like they are being abused and behave accordingly. The problem is, a pattern of being critical can be really hard to spot. I mean, if someone just can't empty the dishwasher right, you have to point that out them, right?

Wrong.

No. You do not have to point it out. If you must, you can do it in a way that doesn't feel personal.

Healthy relationships are much more affirmative than not. More compliments flow than criticisms. When that balance shifts to the negative, a relationship might continue, but it won't be happy for either partner.

5. They mind-meld and try to become one person.

When two people wrap their lives around each other there is no breathing room for the relationship to grow. It takes two people to be in relationship. When they become one unit or when one person disappears to accommodate the other, you no longer have two whole people.

There is something really satisfying about "we". However, your partner can't be your everything. It's not fair to expect any person or relationship to do that for you. Not to mention, eventually that expectation will break under the weight of a lot of resentment. Couples who don't develop and keep their own individual interests eventually grow bored with each other. You have to know who you are outside of the framework of couple-hood and like the person you are alone.

The stark reality of the mind-meld is that the sum is not greater than it's parts. When you give up your individuality to fit into some mythical couples category, you run the risk of leaving behind the things your partner fell in love with in the first place. If you need completing, you have no business in a relationship in the first place.

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5 Signs You Are Trying Too Hard With Your LOA Practice

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 21:20:33 GMT

Sometimes you've just got to give yourself and your affirmations a break.

1. You are doing all the right things aren't getting better. In fact, it seems like things might be worse.

I'm going to lump us all in here together because I'm pretty sure we've all been there.

Visualizing - check
Affirmations - check
Acting as if - check
Getting fucking happy - check

And nothing. It's like crickets up in your manifesting world. Or worse yet, it's not crickets because that noise you're hearing is the next shoe dropping.

This is what I might refer to as vortex constipation syndrome. It's all in there. You've done your "work". However, nothing can come through because you're straining too hard.

Let it go. Walk away from it. Preferably focus on something that makes you laugh or smile. Focus on another problem if you have to.

Taking your foot off the gas and just letting it coast for a bit will feel better and it might just let things fall into place without your constant jacked up attention on what's not there yet.

The forces of the Universe can manage whatever it is better than you can. So, relax yourself and pour a cup of tea - and just keep repeating the tea or whatever it is you need to do to settle into your zen instead of beating your deliberate creation practice with a stick.

2. You'd rather do the dishes, scrub the toilet, or clean the black crusty ick out of your pug's face wrinkles than do your deliberate creation practice.

When your deliberate creation practice starts to feel like work that's when you know you're doing it wrong or you're doing the wrong practice. Yes, it's important. Yes, consistency is key. However, the energy of efforting isn't going to get you anywhere you want to be.

I'm a girl who can strong arm a deliberate creation practice with dogged determination - and enjoy it. However, when I'm finding excuses to do anything but, I know I either need to replace a practice with something that actually elevates my vibration or give it a damn rest.

How do you know your LOA practice is working?
It makes you feel better.

If not, you may as well be watching re-runs of Friends, because at least that might make you happy for half an hour.

3. You don't laugh. You don't joke around. You've basically gone so serious you bore yourself.

You are like a ninja level Manifestor. You've got all the best gear. You've got the best coach, the best mediation audios, you schedule your daily practices and do them like a boss.

However, you can't remember the last time you had a hard laugh or cry with your BFF or the last time you had rocking mind-blowing sex. When you look in the mirror you see a face that's all business and is wrinkling with determination, but you're noticing your laugh lines are starting to fade.

Unless you want to manifest a future reality that's all business and no play, you're working it too hard. The Universe likes lightness and joy. That energy moves mountains and makes miracles. If you're stuck in a rut that's too serious, all of your manifesting and everything else is going to feel like hard work.

4. You're routinely asking the Universe, "WTF???"

If you're pissed off at yourself, the U, or railing at God, you're definitely trying too hard.

That energy is like super-glue that keeps you stuck to whatever you do not want to be attached to. Anger and frustration fuel a shit storm.

Repeat after me:
"I can be peaceful where I am."
"I can be peaceful where I am."
"I can be peaceful where I am."
"I can be peaceful where I am."

And when you're done repeating that, take a deep breath or five and actually get peaceful.

All feelings are sacred and if you're angry, that is super-sacred energy. So, feel it. Honor it. Scream if you want to. But do not get stuck there. Throw your temper tantrum. We've all been there - then get on with your zen-self and pour yourself that cup of tea.

5. You've quit noticing how awesome things are right now.

Seriously, your life is ok. It's probably better than ok.
If you aren't noticing the sunset or smelling the roses, you need to take a break and look around. Life is amazing and you're center stage for the greatest show in the Universe. Welcome to your day, Sunshine! You're lucky to be here.

If you're not delighted by the sheer mystery and majesty of being alive, you're not in the vibrational range of miracles. There are too many things to celebrate to effort too much with your deliberate creation practice or anything else. If you're "trying" really hard, it might be time to find a reason to party and just sit back and watch the fireworks unfold. It's always an awesome show.

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20 low to no cost, easy to implement, no excuses, ways to up-level your self-love game right now

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Mon, 20 Aug 2018 20:49:13 GMT

Because if not now, when???

I was talking to a woman this morning about self-love who was legitimately confused about what that actually meant. So, I gave her my standard pep-talk about how love is a verb. When you're not feeling it sometimes you have to DO it. Treating yourself like someone you love IS self-love.

It was a great talk. I was impressed by it. However, she still gave me a completely blank stare when I was finished.

When you're paddling against the current just to keep your head above water, self-love or even self-care can feel like training for a marathon you'll never run.

So, here are 20 low to no cost, easy to implement, no excuses, ways to up-level your self-love game right now.

1. Eat grown-up food you really enjoy. Fast food and microwave meals are for people without kitchens.

2. Get rid of all that shit in your closet that doesn't make you feel like a million bucks - even if it's all of it. You can start over. Two great outfits is better than a closet full of things that make you feel like hiding.

3. Get yourself off any gossip-go-rounds you might be taking a spin on. That shit will kill your feel good eventually.

4. Quit talking to yourself in a way you wouldn't talk to anyone else.

5. Start investing in quality over quantity - in your purchasing and your relationships.

6. Stop multi-tasking your entire life. It's not good for your brain.

7. Quit escaping into social media to pass time or numb out.

8. Take photos of beautiful things - yourself included - you do not necessarily have to post all of them on social media.

9. Dance more, treadmill less.

10. Replace your ratty sheets and towels with the highest quality gear you can rationally afford.

11. Make a place for your phone and put it there for HOURS during your day - and not just the hours you are sleeping.

12. Get yourself some healthcare professionals on your team. Start with a naturopath or an acupuncturist.

13. Invest more time in skin care than you do in putting on makeup.

14. Drink more tea than coffee.

15. Smile at yourself when you look in the mirror - like a crazy fool who's madly in love with the woman she sees.

16. Less news, more poetry.

17. Value your own opinion. Follow your own advice. Speak when you need to. Don't apologize when you aren't sorry.

18. Give up needing to be right and give up on needing people to like you.

19. Touch yourself more - you won't bite. I promise.

20. Stop trying to lose weight and start treating your body like she's a rental and you want to get every dime of your deposit back when you're ready to return her.

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Everything You Need to Know About that Asshole You Should Avoid

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Mon, 13 Aug 2018 22:21:28 GMT

There is a phenomenon in first-year med school where med students find themselves seriously ill with everything. They start learning to diagnose and in the process begin to see symptoms everywhere they look. The same thing happens when therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals get ahold of the DSM5, the book with which you diagnose mental health disorders. The first thing everyone does is diagnose their mother, but it's not long before they realize they, themselves probably have schizophrenia - even well-trained professionals can fall victim to textbook diagnosis and pop-psychology.

There are all kinds of psychological terms that get tossed around the internet. Narcissist, psychopath, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic malignant controlling manipulator, you know, all the things your Ex should probably be diagnosed with. Having a name for things makes it easier to make sense of things that are hard to piece together.

I recently talked to a woman who'd been emotionally and psychologically abused by her fiance for almost two years. It was bad. Everyone could see it but her. She told me that after her best friend's roommate pointed out to her that he was a classic malignant narcissist she knew she needed to end it. She looked it up online. She read all the "symptoms" and sure enough, it fit him to a tee. So, she was finally done. He's crazy.

The roommate is a barista. While the observant barista might have been right, those kinds of diagnosis are very complicated and it's not easy to get right. Even more so, it's sad that so often we need an excuse to leave a relationship that's not working.

So, I'm going to make it easy for you. Let's stop throwing around terms that should probably be reserved for a professional with a diagnostic degree and experience. A person doesn't have to have a diagnosis from a psychotherapist or a barista to be dangerous to themselves and others. So, we're going to create a new category of assholes you should avoid - or break up with, romantically or otherwise.

It's not a diagnosis so much as it is a title.
Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator.

1. The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator will make you the most important person in the Universe as long as you're the moon and they are the sun.

The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator needs to be the center of attention but they need a support staff. This person sees you. They know how smart you are. They think you're beautiful. However, you are like the perfect accessory - you know, like that amazing purse that looks great with any outfit - but make no mistake you are just the purse. The outfit is the stunner.

They will make you their "Partner" (read - assistant).
They will tell you they can't have fun at the party without you because they need a designated driver.
They will tell you, you're the best friend they've ever had but won't remember your birthday.

2. The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator will make you think other people don't like you but they are your biggest cheerleader.

"I told my mother you're actually really good with money and your business is going to be a success."

Sounds kind of like a compliment, right?
Except it will stick in your head because you'll wonder what his mother said about the way you manage money and why she's wondering about your business prospects.

This person triangulates you against other people on the down-low on purpose to make you feel de-centered and insecure.

This person isolates you from other people in your life by setting you up to distrust others and dependant on them because your circle of support is getting smaller and smaller.

3. The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator will lie to you and then make you feel like a crazy person for noticing.

You know, gaslighting...
Another one of those internet popular psycho-phrases.

This person will lie and one of two things will happen.
Either they will make you feel like a crazy paranoid bitch for even considering they'd be even remotely dishonest when clearly they are OR they will blame you for figuring out they lied because you didn't trust them. Seriously, what's wrong with you???

The lies themselves become weapons that keep you feeling unstable and uncertain. You always feel like you can't trust yourself when really you shouldn't trust the other person.

And The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator knows they stand a better chance of controlling you if you don't ever feel stable. Better you second guess yourself than them.

4. The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator will make their behavior your fault.

"Yeah, we got in a fight in front of your family. I shouldn't have yelled that way. But you should have known better than to bring up that thing about the mortgage payment before we went over there. You know I'm tired and stressed."

That's not an apology. It kind of sorta sounds like one, but it's not. It's blame-shifting.

"If you hadn't made me so mad, I would have never hit you."
"If you'd given me any attention, I wouldn't have been talking to her. You made me feel invisible. She sees me."
"If you hadn't spent so much money, I wouldn't have gotten us behind on our bills."
"If you weren't such a drama queen I wouldn't have gotten so worked up like that."

Blame-shifting.
Blame-shifting.
Blame-shifting.
Blame-shifting.

The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator doesn't ever really own it - they deflect it and in the process make you feel like something is wrong with you.

5. The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator will build history into your relationship with layers of really meaningful apologies.

Ask any woman who's been in a physically abusive relationship and she'll tell you it's never better than after he beats her and he is trying to convince her not to leave. That cycle becomes an addiction and that addiction seals the deal for the Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator.

Not all abuse is physical abuse but all abusers are very good at the apology tour. Making up is hard to do, but it's also very seductive. The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator knows that if they can get you to love them again after stomping on your heart or self-esteem once, they will have a very good chance of pulling it off again.

And all of those ups and downs become a part of your story, the history you share together. The Unfit to play with People Classic Manipulator knows those cycles bind you together and it gets less and less likely you'll come to your senses everytime they make you believe the lie that it'll never happen again.

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Why Sex is So Important in Relationships & Four Ways to Turn Up the Heat

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Mon, 06 Aug 2018 19:35:37 GMT

If you talk to a couple that's been together longer than a year or two chances are pretty high one partner will say they wished they had more romance in their relationship and the other will say they wished they had more sex. It's easy to generalize that women want more romance and men want more sex, and there is a reason generalizations happen, they are often true. However, that generalization doesn't always hold water. I know same-sex couples who experience the same challenges and heterosexual married women who aren't getting laid as often as they'd like.

Sex matters more for long-term relationship satisfaction than most people want to think it does. When a couple gets past the heat of the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship it's not uncommon for sex to slow. However, if when that happens it's not uncommon for intimacy in all forms to wane because the act of sex itself causes an intimate bond.

Sex generates a surplus of oxytocin. Oxytocin is what many refer to as the cuddle chemical. It's the neurochemical that causes bonding. It's that thing that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy when you see a puppy or a baby. Your brain produces a lot of it when you're falling in love. Women tend to have more than men, but everyone likes the way an oxytocin rush feels.

Women often fall into the trap of withholding sex because they aren't getting enough romance. They want to feel that intimate connection before they put out. However, that backfires. The act of sex increases the very neurochemical that creates the intimacy they crave.

So, if a healthy sex life is so important how do you keep it rocking when it's not easy.

1. Talk about sex a lot more.

It never ceases to amaze me how two people who can talk about anything ranging from bowel movements to bills but have a hard time talking about sex. Couples can go months or even years without talking about sex and as shocking as that is, it happens a lot.

When something is hard to talk about the only way to make it easier is to normalize it. The only way to normalize it is to talk about it way more than seems natural.

Talk about your sex life.
Talk about someone else's sex life.
Talk about the sex you want to be having. What you shouldn't be talking about is the sex you're not having. There is a difference.

2. Remember foreplay doesn't start in the bedroom - and that goes for women too.

There probably hundreds of books on this subject. Flirting with your partner can't stop when the courtship is over. However, all the cute notes you leave for your partner or sexts are no substitute for touch.

Non-sexual physical intimacy also stimulates oxytocin. Holding hands, snuggling on the sofa, and an occasional ass-grab go a long way to not feeling like roommates or business partners.

Touching your partner also makes them feel seen and appreciated. Seen and appreciated feels very sexy. We are wired to be attracted to people who pay us attention.

It's hard to get from zero to go in ten minutes after the lights go out. So, if you want to get it on regularly you don't want to start at zero ever. Enough touch during the day makes you feel connected and that's critical for intimacy and arousal.

3. Stop thinking what worked last year, last month, or even last week is still a winning game plan.

In other words, avoid that same old, same old rut at all costs. Sexual desire and preferences evolve over time. Change locations, even if it's in the same room. Change the lighting. Change your approach to foreplay.

Try some toys. Try some music. Try sexy-time movies. And talk about all of it every step of the way.

4. Sleep naked.

Really. No clothes between lovers in bed - ever.
Skin to skin contact is a powerful aphrodisiac and an extraordinarily effective bonding ritual.

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What to do When Everything Falls Apart Spectacularly

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 19:09:56 GMT

Because it happens and usually for an excellent reason you will only understand when you're old and grey.

I have a friend, we'll call her Julie. Julie spent a year, twelve full months working on getting a job at a company she'd wanted for a very long time. She'd had her eye on this company since she finished her masters, but they never seemed to have the "right" position for her. So, in a bold moment fueled by a bottle of wine, she decided to make it happen anyway.

Julie did everything right. She visualized. She talked to people who worked at the magical dream company and networked. She started dressing like they did, eating at places they went for lunch, and picking up the company language and culture. She watched for job notices and got a new friend of hers she'd met at lunch to forward her the internal hiring memos.

Six months passed and there was still nothing. So, Julie did what any bold, make it happen woman would do. She created a job description for her dream position and wrote up a proposal. She fueled it with all her good vibes, got her mom to pray over it, and sent it to the department head where she wanted to work.

And it happened. Three days later, Julie was sitting at her desk and got a call from a number she didn't recognize. It was James from human resources saying Meridith, the woman she'd emailed, wanted to meet with her. Three weeks later, Julie had a new desk, new title, working for the company she'd dreamed of working for, in a position she'd created for herself.

It was amazing. She loved it.

Fast forward five months - Julie walked into work, all smiles on a Monday morning, and before she could sit down her assistant met her with coffee and asked, "Have you seen the email with the internal notice???"

The company had been sold over the weekend. No one had any idea it was for sale. Everyone was in shock. Less than half of the employees kept their jobs. Neither Julie or her team were on that list. People who'd been there for less than six months got no severance benefits.

And just like that - the dream died quietly without a party. Julie didn't even qualify for unemployment. Three weeks later she walked out to the new car she'd purchased a month before with a box of her things. She sat in the car wondering how she was going to make the payment and cried.

She'd done everything right and it had worked. How did things go so terribly fucking wrong???

Some would say that's just life, right? However, for someone who believes she creates her own reality, nothing added up. This wasn't a near miss. She'd created what she wanted. Now she was left out on a very fragile limb in a position that seemed way worse than if she hadn't taken a risk and been so damn bold.

So, we uncorked another bottle of wine and tried to piece together a plan to make something out of nothing in the wreckage of a seemingly backfired dream.

1. Make your feel-good the first priority.

If you find yourself in a what the fuck just happened situation, nothing matters more than getting yourself happy. While that might seem like a tall, if not impossible order, it's mission critical for a number of reasons.

Research shows happy people make better decisions.
Happy people are more likely to take action, even risks.
Happy sends a vibrational instruction into the multiverse that draws in more feel-good experiences. Happy is very magnetic.

Julie did something most people would have called irresponsible. She promptly booked a vacation to Cancun and put it on plastic. She invited her new unemployed assistant. The had a blast. When she got home, she was still unemployed, but the shell shock had worn off much more quickly than it would have otherwise. She was in a pretty good headspace to move forward.

2. Self-care is everything.

We typically do just enough self-care to stay emotionally and physically healthy when everything is running status quo. However, when the shit hits the fan, our bodies and our souls need more. Transition requires a lot of energy. Uncertainty is an energy drain of epic proportions.

So, if the going just got rough, you probably need to double or triple your self-care at a time when most people want to do nothing but binge on Netflix or hide under the bed.

Julie joined a meditation group and found an accountability partner there. She also started getting out for walks at a nearby wildlife reserve daily. She had plenty of time to make herself really healthy and delicious meals and recommitted to being vegan. For the first time in years, she started getting more than seven hours of sleep a night.

3. Reconnect to the energy of what you wanted.

Maybe the things didn't work out the way you thought they would. However, that doesn't mean you can't get what you thought you wanted. Just because you hit a snag doesn't mean it's not happening.

Spend time visualizing our desired outcome. Think about the feelings you wanted to experience from getting that shiny thing you want that's currently showing up like a shit bomb. Make a list of what you wanted to feel and start mining your days for as many ways as possible to feel those things daily.

There are a number of reasons a creation/dream might take a sharp turn south. However, if you find yourself in the midst of putting out figurative fires, now is not the time to do the post-game rehash of what might have landed you there. The only thing that matters is that you get dialed down on what you want, the essence of what you want, and camp out there fulltime.

Julie wanted to feel successful. She wanted to feel a sense of contribution using her unique skills. Julie wanted to be challenged and engaged. So, she made herself a daily to-do list that activated those feelings. She did some volunteer work putting together a benefit for her sister's non-profit. She started training for a marathon. She forced herself to dress like a "successful" woman every day rather than regressing to yoga pants and a teeshirt.

4. Get support - and by support, I mean support that keeps you pointed where you want to be.

Enlists the troops. You know, the friends who are good listeners but don't let you wallow. Get professional support if you need it. The unexpected transition is the perfect time for a coach - or coaches. Take time to be alone if you feel like you need it, but don't isolate.

A large group of folks from her former company who'd also lost their jobs started getting together weekly for "support". Julie went a couple of times but she didn't like the vibe. Instead, Julie scheduled regular coffee dates with her sister. Her sister was a fucking ray of sunshine even when Julie was feeling really damn defeated. She started working with a copywriter to help her create the world's best resume. She started going hiking weekly with her new meditation accountability partner to talk about a book they were both reading about creating a life with purpose.

5. Take action - however, make sure it's inspired action.

When something you wanted doesn't work it's easy to feel like you've got to fix it. It's easy to start doing, doing, doing the kinds of things you think you should do. Resist the urge to jump into action just for action sake.

Give yourself all the time and space you need to hear and feel your inspiration. When that little voice whispers, or even yells no matter how unexpected the nudge might be, follow it. You will probably find yourself in some unexpected places and that's probably exactly where you should be.

Julie was disciplined about following those nudges. That's why she hired a copywriter instead of a career coach. Although she didn't have income, Julie resisted the urge to start applying for new jobs right away, even though there was a lot of pressure to do just that. She gave herself six weeks to regroup. She found herself inspired to take an Italian language class and take up ariel yoga.

So, fast forward six months again. Julie and I had a conversation over tea where I was complaining about my anxiety because my house has been for sale with no bites for too long. I have no idea why this is happening. It doesn't make sense. She promptly pulled out her tablet and forwarded me the email with the above list we'd created for her months ago.

And I'm in no position to argue with the wisdom of that list. Julie didn't have a lot of time to linger over tea because she had to get back to work. Six weeks and two days after Julie walked out of her former office and sobbed in her car, Julie got a call from Meridith, the woman who'd hired her originally.

Julie is now back at her dream job with a bigger office and salary. After the dust settled they realized Julie's pilot program was going to be profitable. Her upgraded position included some travel, first stop was two weeks in Rome working with a creative team. And by the way, she's engaged to her meditation partner.

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5 Steps Towards Enlightenment When Love and Light Aren't Cutting It

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 26 Jul 2018 23:49:00 GMT

Because sometimes you've got to lighten up to get real.

1. Living well is the best revenge.

Yeah, I know when someone does you wrong it's natural to focus on the dirty bastard who did it. However, really, does that POS deserve another ounce of your attention?
No. No, they do not.

Seriously, though, if you really want to piss 'em off, stay in your own lane.
If you want revenge, that's a dish best served with envy. It's time to channel your inner-Oprah and live your best damn life.

Make them wonder how it is you're rocking your life without them.
Make them wonder if you even remember their phone number.
Make them wonder why they're all alone for Netflix and chill while you're out living life in Dolby Surround Sound and Technicolor.

That'll make them sorry they ever crossed paths with someone who is way better off without them.

2. Being unhappy in a Mercedes is better than being unhappy on the bus. (unless you really love the bus).

Yes, I get it. Money isn't everything. I also know that money doesn't necessarily translate to happiness. But I don't have to tell you that being poor isn't necessarily going to make you happy either. All things equal, wherever you're at is going to be better with some cash to make it feel a little more cush.

If life is throwing a lot shitballs your way, it might be a good time to put some money in the bank or fluff up that 401k. Money isn't going to solve all your problems. However, money does solve a lot of problems. So, when all else fails a little focusing on being really, really rich isn't going to hurt - and it just might help a lot.

A solid money vibe and a healthy bank balance is always in style. Don't let being sad, lonely, angry, anxious, or confused distract you from your cash. Cash that's getting attention tends to grow. More money is never ever a bad thing.

3. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.

Seriously, very few things are actually worth giving a shit about.
I know it seems like very-single-thing is code red, but trust me it's not. Your life is probably not really on fire, so you can stop running around acting like you're putting one out.

Are you breathing?
Are you currently NOT being chased by a bear?
If you answered yes to those two questions, everything is really ok right now.

Most of us are suffering from "caring way too much fatigue". It's a chronic debilitating self-induced mental disorder.

Sometimes you've got to just say no. In fact, we'd probably be better off if we said no more often than not.

No to the worry.
No to the stress.
No to giving two hot shits about things you can't control.

Things aren't working out?
Stop giving it shit.
Seriously, it's as simple as that.
Let it go.
In spiritual circles, we would call it releasing resistance. Outside of the bubble of metaphysical drumming circles, we would call it, "fuck it".
It's a sacred mantra that will set you free.

4. Sometimes the way you look is the easiest or even only thing you can control.

You are never going to regret wearing your sexiest bra and panties.
You are never going to think things might have gone better if you hadn't taken a shower or put your makeup on.

When the world doesn't make sense, your wardrobe decisions can still be on point. Getting it all put together when you walk out the door might be the gateway to some legit self-care.

Sure, it might seem shallow. We've all been told beauty is only skin deep. That's why I'm not talking about trying to look like a cover-model. I'm talking about being the very best version of yourself in whatever moment you're having - and I know, not all moments are created equal, so looking your best is going to vary from time to time

When you're rocking it on the outside it's a lot easier to feel majestic as fuck - and that's powerful.

5. Bragging is basically do-it-yourself therapy.

Really.
An adolescent version of a brag is pointing out you're the best, implying obviously, other people aren't as good as you.

The "humble brag" on social media is a perfectly designed post to make it look like you're not still feeling like desperate teenager counting likes as if they are party invites.

A grown woman bragging delights in the absolute unspeakable glory of being herself, thus making room for other women to do the same.

Bragging is good for the soul - and it takes practice. It's crazy-uncomfortable at first to acknowledge out loud how absolutely amazing you are or what a blissed-out life you've created. However, the more you practice, the better you feel.

And here's a secret, there is no harm in bragging even when you feel like a total loser. Sometimes you've got to speak some awesome into existence.

I mean basically, therapy is about recovering your self-esteem or identity most of the time. So, why not just start digging yourself out on your own by practicing being fully transparent with your splendor.

And it's a public service. It's like holding the door of awesome open for other women to walk through. So, brag it up - really. It's a hell of a lot sexier than being self-deprecating or insecure.

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A Guide to Busting the Top 5 Bullshit "Spiritual" Myths About Relationships

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 11 Jul 2018 20:30:03 GMT

Because when spirituality becomes an excuse to take action or grow it's not that spiritual.

1. I can get anyone I want because the law of attraction says I can have anything I want.

I am not going to say the vibration and intention you bring to a relationship doesn't have an impact on the other person and the relationship because of course, it does. Toddlers literally know that. You don't need a spiritual guru to teach you what a three-year-old knows.

However, your mojo can't make someone love you that doesn't. That is not the way the system is set up. The system is set up to run on a free will.

Besides, for real, do you really want to black magic your way into the heart of someone you doesn't want you?
No, my friend, you do not. That's like using witchcraft to be a stalker.
No one wants to be that person.
No one wants to be around that person.

Law of attraction teaches you can have ANYTHING you want. Not anyone.
If you want a passionate, connected, vibrant, forever relationship, you can have that. However, you can't force someone into that role just because you've got the hots for them.

Focus on the outcome not the details - and yes, the who you will be madly in love with is a detail. If you treat it that way, that who will also be madly in love with you.

2. I created this. So, it's not his/her fault.

Oh, Goddess...
You cannot be more wrong about that one.
If someone is abusing you or cheating on you or being hurtful to you, it is, in fact, their fault. It might be your fault for putting up with it. However, that's a whole other conversation.

You don't create someone else's behavior. You're not responsible for it.
You may, in fact, be vibrationally aligned with attracting it though. While those two things might sound the same, they are very different.
You are responsible for your vibration and one of the leading indicators of your vibration is what you will tolerate.
The other person is responsible for what they bring to the table.

You upgrading your vibration might have an impact on someone else's behavior, it might not. However, camping out in a boiling pot of water because you think you turned the stove on is stupid.

Taking responsibility for someone else's stuff by thinking you made them do it with your magical vibration might just be an excuse not to change you and get up and go.

3. I am not a victim.

Well, my friend, you might be.
If you were abused - you are a victim.
If you were assaulted - you are a victim.
If someone hurt you intentionally or knowingly - you are a victim.

And you being a victim says NOTHING about you and EVERYTHING about the perpetrator.

A lot of people like to skip past their healing be proclaiming to the Universe and everyone in it that they aren't a victim - as if being one innately makes you damaged goods. It doesn't.

Being a victim doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It means you crossed paths with someone who treated you in a way they shouldn't have. Again, if you're sticking around to be repeatedly victimized, you've got some skin in that game when it comes to responsibility. However, it doesn't change the fact that you're being abused.

There is such a thing as the empowered victim - some might call that person a survivor. Being a victim very often makes people much smarter and stronger than they were before. Victimization teaches some pretty powerful life lessons. It also makes people softer and more compassionate.

So, no, it's not a sexy word. It's not culturally embraced. But proclaiming your non-victim status won't heal you if you don't do the work.
Your victimization labels the perpetrator - not you.

4. This might be my stuff, so I'm going to take responsibility for it by ignoring it.

Yes, yes, yes, you have baggage.
Yes, it impacts how you see things and operate in relationships.
And yes, that is a very good thing.

What if all those things you experienced taught you lessons can help you navigate to the best relationship for you - if you don't ignore them.

Maybe your Ex-husband was a rager. He yelled and screamed at you on the regular. So, you might be hyper-sensitive to that kind of communication. Maybe you don't ever want to be yelled at again. Maybe it makes you want to crawl under the bed and hide when someone screams at you.

And maybe you're not over-sensitive. Maybe, just maybe that "baggage" is leading you to the right partner for you.

Maybe your previous partner cheated. So, you're hyper-vigilant about open communication. And maybe that's not a bad thing.

We are all unique and the baggage we carry from experience to experience is filled with lessons that help us know what works and what doesn't individually. So, if you're triggered, take responsibility for examining your behavior when you're triggered. It's not an excuse to over-react. However, your triggers are more of a map than a handicap.

5. Love is always the answer.

Oh, hell yes it is. However, if you're not loving yourself first and you are using love as an excuse to put up with shit that hurts you, that isn't loving, that's laziness.

LOVE IS THE STRONGEST FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE.
I'm not sure who started peddling the bullshit that taught us love is supposed to be passive. Whoever that was might have been a narcissistic abuser.

Love is always the answer. However, if you don't love yourself enough to take yourself down off the cross and say no when you need to, you aren't going to be capable of loving or anything else.

Love respects.
Love uplifts.
Love nurtures.
Yes, love sacrifices.
However, sometimes love walks away and walking away doesn't have to diminish the love.

Staying in the line of fire isn't love. It's self-punishing.
Staying silent when you should speak up is voluntarily erasing yourself to keep the peace.
Putting an extra-loving smiley face on someone else's dysfunction is being co-dependent.
Co-dependancy is not sexy and neither is being a pushover.

Sometimes, often times, love says NO.

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4 Tips for Tiny Changes that Create Big Shifts When Everything Seems to Suck

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 28 Jun 2018 17:51:50 GMT

I am going to be honest. I just scrapped most of this post to rewrite it. I was trying to put a much happier face on the way I've been feeling recently than was honest. I had some glossy client stories to share. I kept it light. But I'm not feeling all that light as of late.

I've got two things going on. I'm all packed to move but my house hasn't yet sold AND I'm having some trouble feeling like everything is rosy when the world seems like a steaming pile of rotting crap a lot of the time right now.

See? You might have been happier with the glossy client stories, right?

Now I acknowledge with my political leanings, my Facebook feed might now be a good indicator of the mood of humanity. There are happy republicans out there and those who can truly dial off the news who might be feeling just fine. But the feed looks pretty anxious right now and it seems to be a pretty good indicator of the state of the hive mind, even outside my world. A lot of us are feeling less joy than we'd like to be for a variety of reasons.

I talked to a friend the other day who suggested she wanted an entirely different life right now. She's been feeling funky for quite awhile. She realized it might not happen overnight. However, she wanted to feel different about every part of her life as quickly as possible and was willing to do anything to get there.
Quit her job? Sure!
Move to Spain? Why not?
Break up with her fiance? Not off the table.
Train for a marathon in three weeks? Totally reasonable.

And when we're in the dumps the big changes are very seductive. It can be easy to think it's time for massive shifts and big upgrades.

However, that's not the way the system really works. Big changes are hard to make and they are even harder to sustain. Big changes often don't include the kind of incremental upgrades that really create a life transformed. Big changes look really bright and shiny, but they often set us up to fail. So while I've been that girl that wanted to wake up tomorrow all different than I am today, I've learned from experience, that baby stepping it up to feeling better is a much more effective way to go.

It's also frustratingly less exciting on its face. When you want to remodel your whole life, focusing on one small change at a time can feel like a waste of time. Small changes don't capture my attention the way a big goal does. However, small shifts actually change a life faster in most cases than big ones do. Incremental changes are easier to make especially when you're overwhelmed. Incremental changes catch the wind and get momentum. They get more powerful and more powerful each and every small step along the way.

When we take on big life shift and we fail, we often end up in a cycle failing and starting over, failing and starting over, getting there and slipping back, getting there and slipping back, and so on. While it might seem like you make more progress faster by taking bigger bites, usually that's not the case.

Not to mention, a lot of people don't have the energy for the big changes right now. Many of us are managing some form of survival mode and that is an energy suck of epic proportions. As much as I'd like to vibrationally strong arm my alignment for where I am to unicorns and fairy dust, I don't have the juice to do that kind of work right now. I don't think I'm alone.

So, I've been having to practice baby steps myself recently. While the slow path to change isn't quite as sexy as the fast lane to big shifts, I am starting to see the payoffs in a big way. I've been feeling overwhelmed, sluggish, and honestly, maybe a little depressed. As much as I want everything to be different right now, I decided to focus on one thing.

Get up earlier.
Getting up earlier is not an easy thing for me. However, it's one thing and it's doable. Once I'm up, it's fine - it's just that sixty seconds between sleep and being upright that suck for me.
But I decided to do the hard thing for sixty seconds - consistently.

Here's the thing, since I've been getting up earlier:
I'm exercising more.
My meditation practice is rocking.
I'm starting my day with fresh juice instead of Dr. Pepper.
I feel more engaged in my day in general.

And those things came shockingly easy.
If you'd asked me a few weeks ago if up-leveling my ailing exercise routine could be easy - I'd have said of course not.

If you'd asked me a few weeks ago if I'd find the motivation to start juicing in the morning without being late getting my day rolling - I'd have said no.

If you'd asked me a few weeks ago if I would ever be a morning meditator, I would have said, hell no.

But it was a baby step that created big shifts - and the big shifts came almost effortlessly. I mean, what's a girl going to do when she's up so early in the morning?

Now, has all this magical change completely made everything in my life feel instantly awesome? Nope. Not everything and not instantly. However, I'm feeling better - certainly better than I would be if I wasn't doing these things.

So, here is a simple guide to taking a tiny step in better direction.

1. Make sure it's a step, not a goal.
Losing weight is not one step. Switching out your morning latte for green tea is one thing.

2. Pick something NOT directly related to whatever you think your biggest issue is.
If you're seriously stressed about money - do not decide to start saving for retirement a few dollars at a time.

Take a tiny step regarding anything else. Get some momentum going in a place that has less resistance and see what happens.

3. Even if it's a tiny new thing, if you're doing it consistently reward yourself like you just climbed Everest.
New habits form faster if they are associated with pleasure. Rewards work and we tend to withhold rewards for "big" wins. Reward yourself liberally every week you are consistent with your small upgrade.

You can cut the time it takes to form a habit almost in half by giving yourself a payoff for consistency.

4. Don't give up or move on too soon.
You may want to keep working on your one tiny thing longer than you think you need to before picking your next little tiny upgrade - probably twice as long. There's no rush. The longer you linger the more likely you'll notice secondary gains from your little shift.

If you're trying to take one tiny step in a new direction that turns out to be harder than it should be to be consistent with, that doesn't mean you should dump it. Stick with it longer than you think you should before trying something new. Things usually hit a clicking point when your momentum catches up with your resistance to change.

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There are Children in Cages

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 15:32:59 GMT

I don't think we can or should ignore that.

I'm not going to suggest I have all the answers. I don't. Let's face it, it is hard not to notice the fact that the U.S. is holding children in cages that look like dog kennels. But here's the rub - I believe we get what we focus on and I know I'm not alone. So, by that measure, we shouldn't be focusing on kids in cages - except it's happening. Pretending like it isn't seems disconnected, if not irresponsible.

And let's be real, it's not just kids in cages. That's just one thing in a whole stew of things going on in our world that seems very dark, very wrong, absolutely unimaginable. The unthinkable is the new norm.

Nuclear weapons are a thing.
Summits with human rights abusing dictators are happening.
There's the whole Palestine / Isreal mess.
There is racism rearing it's very ugly head for all the world to see.
And then there's Russia, Russia, Russia - will we ever have another free election??

It's easy to get lost because God knows we don't want to create more of it by giving it our attention. However, for the love of Goddess and all things holy, sometimes love says no, fuck no, this is not acceptable and love is the most powerful force in the Universe.

I am an activist at heart. I'm an activist who believes in the power of focus to create reality. Sometimes those two things do not mix well. I am not afraid to admit I've lost my way and myself in my passion for justice. I've poured myself and my soul into social justice issues where in hindsight I have to admit my attention on the injustice didn't create justice. I'm a very good organizer, maybe one of the best. But the truth of the matter is you can't organize your way out of the dark by focusing on the dark.

However, pretending like everything is fine when you know it isn't is the very definition of spiritual bypassing. Spiritual bypassing has become a marketing catchphrase for people who are angry with the deliberate creation community for putting a smiley face over some really dark shit. However, as liberally as that phrase is misused, it does happen. We do at times use spirituality as an excuse to bury our heads in the sand when we need to get our heads up and take notice.

So, there are kids in cages and if you're sickened by that it's too late to put a smiley face on that reality.

I've noticed a phenomenon recently I'd categorize as "the calling". Lightworkers and spiritual seekers are getting pulled hard by the pain in the world. It might be those kids. It might be the children in the bomb zone in Palestine. It might be the sickness of racism in our streets. It's not the same for everyone.

Lots of us are feeling our hearts swell with pain over things happening in the world - very specific things. And lots of us are resisting the primal urge to react to that pain because we've been trained not to give our attention to things we don't want to create.

However, I believe if you're feeling it, you've been called. There is a precarious balance of energy in the world between light and dark, love and hate. If something has your attention I believe that is your calling to shower it with love and pour all the light in your soul in the direction of that pain. Not to sound like a Starwars meme, but the force requires balance and where there is so much darkness, it is our job to bring the light.

So, yeah, if you've got money to donate, you should probably send some over to the ACLU to help fight for children to be reunited with their parents. However, we've all got love to give and I believe many of us are being called to focus that love on pre-tending family reunions and imagining those detention centers torn down. Call your representatives and demand justice AND use every ounce of your being to create brighter desired outcomes for those who are suffering by visualizing it.

I don't think we're feeling the pain because we're weak. I think we're feeling it because we're called. We're not being called to feel sorry for those in suffering. We're being called to hold them in the light of "all is well". Taking that one step further, if you're holding them in the vibration of all is well, and then feel inspired to take some sort of other action, you should absolutely do that.

We are human. It's not our nature to look away in the face of suffering. It is our job to not feed that suffering with despair. It is our job to acknowledge what is wrong and then hold it in the light of perfection with every once of our awareness.

We are a powerful tribe of miracle makers and the world could use some miracles right about now. We know anything is possible. So, you don't have to be afraid of being afraid, or angry, or shocked. When you're called it's ok to feel the feels, and then transmute that emotion because that's the foundation of pure magic.

Someday we will look back on this period in history and stories will be told about the Light Bringers, Freedom Fighters, and Magicians that stoked the fires of change and rebellion. There are lots of ways to be on the right side of history and lots of ways to do something about kids in cages. Let's start by seeing those babies in the arms of their parents, safe and sound, loved and protected. All change always starts in the imagination.

You are more powerful than the fear.
It's safe to answer the call.
Deliberate creation can be a potent act of recreating what's gone terribly wrong.

Grown Woman's Guide to Assholes

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 07 Jun 2018 17:16:00 GMT

Because we've all run into one at some point.

Nothing will rock the world of a nice girl faster than an asshole. A nice girl just can't wrap her mind around the behavior of an asshole. The things that make a nice girl so vulnerable to an asshole are two of the things that make a nice girl nice - she's understanding and patient.

But let's tell the truth about the nice girl. When being nice is an honor badge for being a pushover you can't blame the asshole. There is a big difference between a nice girl and a grown-up woman who loves hard.

And let me tell you from experience, there is no point trying to love or even like an asshole. So, here is your guide for managing yourself with an asshole - and for the record, this is not a guide to managing an asshole, because you can't.

1. Why someone is an asshole doesn't matter.
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this sentence:
"I'm not making excuses for him, but his mother was an abusive alcoholic."
or, my other all-time favorite, "His ex-wife was horrible to him and his divorce was a nightmare."

Yeah, might be true. However, the why doesn't change the what and the reason for the behavior doesn't make the behavior go away or make it ok.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has been through some shit. Sure, some people have dealt with some very heavy shit. However, not everyone's who's been through really difficult things is an asshole. Just because someone is damaged is not a reason to let them create wreckage in your life.

Broken people need to get better and healing the world's assholes is not your job if you're not getting paid to do it. Take your energy back and quit making excuses for assholes who use their pain as a permission slip to hurt others and won't get help. Save your energy by setting standards and boundaries and don't just fight for them. Hold them like your sanity depends on it because it does.

2. Just because you had a dust-up with an asshole doesn't make you a victim.
"I don't want to be a victim." - Right. No one wants to be a victim. However, only you get to decide how you feel about a run in with an asshole and I sure wouldn't characterize myself as a victim just because someone else behaved badly. Someone else's bad behavior is not your failure.

Just because you bumped up against an asshole doesn't mean you're weak. It doesn't mean you have a target on your back. It doesn't mean you a walked into a joke that started by saying, "an empath and a sociopath walked into a bar..."

Assholes will spread their shit. That's what they do. If you happen to be in the path of a narcissist, or a sociopath, or a garden variety jerk, you cannot be spiritually evolved enough to make them different than they are. Being in the path of an asshole doesn't make you anything. Thier behavior doesn't say anything about you. It tells the story of who they are - that is all. Quit feeding the narrative by making it about you.

3. People change, but asshole is a hard habit to break.
It's not always fair to judge people by their past. History doesn't always repeat itself. However, history is the most accurate of future behavior.

Someone who's been an asshole to every girlfriend or business partner or client before you is very likely to be an asshole to you. You're not going to be special enough to be the asshole whisperer because no one is that special to an asshole.

An asshole who blames others and doesn't take responsibility will probably blame you eventually. An asshole who talks shit about other people behind their backs will probably talk shit about you behind yours eventually. An asshole who has treated other people like crap, will probably eventually turn on you.

Asshole interventions are serious business. If an asshole hasn't gone through a process of healing and reparation, chances are pretty high you'd be wise not to invest your energy there.

4. Yes, we create everything. But you didn't turn an innocent awesome human into an asshole with your magical vibration powers. You are not to blame for the asshole.

The asshole is responsible for being an asshole. You aren't all powerful enough to make a good person turn evil. Yes, you might have been vibrationally aligned with experiencing the shit storm of sharing air with an asshole. However, you can get yourself unaligned really quickly by not feeding and watering the asshole with your precious energy.

Your "bad vibration" didn't turn a good person bad. Your weak boundaries with an asshole might be a problem. However, the fact that you've attracted one doesn't mean you created one. It doesn't work that way.

5. Asshole psychology defies logic.
The easiest way to let an asshole make you a crazy person is to expect them to be reasonable or do what they say they're going to do. They won't do either consistently.

You cannot count on an asshole.
You cannot reason with an asshole.
You cannot expect an asshole to behave like a non-asshole.
And expecting an asshole to be different than they are is insane and is not fair to the asshole.

The unpredictable is the norm for an asshole. It's like the second chapter in the asshole manual - "Keep Them Guessing". That means, occasionally the asshole might not be abominable. In fact, assholes can be charming a lot of the time. However, that doesn't mean they won't be who they are in the end.

Assuming you're not an idiot, (and you're not), you'll be able to recognize the shit doesn't make sense and the trail of tears and inconsistencies. So, when you recognize it your job is not to be a pushover. Not being a pushover doesn't mean you can be the asshole rehabilitator. Even if you think you can, you shouldn't.

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10 Ways to Upgrade Your Relationship in 1 One Minute or Less

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 02:43:12 GMT

Because everyone has a minute.

But we're busy...
Those words might be the number one predictor of relationship failure.

Carrie and James had been married three years. With two dogs, one kid, and two and a half careers between them, they were busy. James was working overtime all the time. Their two-year-old son had some medical issues and Carrie was juggling her job and many therapy appointments with the kiddo. Money was tighter than they wanted to admit. The only thing in shorter supply than disposable cash was time, or maybe energy.

They had sex occasionally. Maybe more often than other couples with two dogs, a kid, and two jobs that felt like three. They hardly ever fought and when they did it was never a big deal. They spent an hour or two every evening as a family before putting a wrap on the day. It seemed like enough. Which is why no one was more surprised than Carrie was when she found herself on the floor in her laundry room one day crying because she was contemplating the future of her marriage and it didn't look all that bright.

The night before when they climbed in bed Carrie asked James what his favorite of her body parts was. It was a playful question - she didn't mean it to be loaded. However, he looked like he was thinking about it for too long, and when he finally answered, it wasn't the answer she was looking for.

"I'm too tired to play this game. Let me sleep on it.". Jame replied flatly. He rolled over and was snoring before she could even process how she felt about that. Carrie was upset that he couldn't answer that question without being so taxed by it that he had to sleep on it. She was also upset that she'd been noticing the favorite body part on a co-worker of hers. My God, those shoulders on that new guy at the office were to die for.

Carrie wasn't going to cheat. But she didn't like the way her marriage felt. What she wanted was a quick fix and while a marriage that's starving needs more than a quick fix mentality when two people truly love each other sometimes some easy steps in the right direction can take you miles back to where you want to be.

Carrie was clear. They didn't have a lot of money for romantic weekend trips or even date nights. The first thing she said to me was, "If one more person tells me we need a date night, I'll scream." While I thought they did need a regular date night, they also needed a way to be different in their relationship every single day.

So, we came up with a list of ten things she could do every day that would take less than a minute each. I was hopeful, but not super optimistic about massive changes. This turned out to be one instance where I'm thrilled to admit I was wrong.

The game plan was as follows:

1. Kiss each other goodbye before you part ways in the morning.
Couples kiss. Roommates don't. If you want to feel like a couple, a kiss goodbye in the morning is a good way to set the tone for the day. It reminds you both your lovers before you get down to the business of getting distracted by other stuff.

2. Send that text.
Touch base during the day. There's no excuse not to spend a few seconds typing out a text that says "I love you." or "Can't wait to see you when you get off work." No one is too busy to do that. You can text from the toilet if you need to.

A small but simple connection during the day when you're apart can make connecting when you're together a little easier. Not to mention, everyone likes to know someone is thinking about them.

3. Show some gratitude.
We often get very informal with our significant others. It can be very easy to let that informality border on being rude or dismissive. Please and thank yous go a long way.

If someone passes you the salt or mows the lawn, a genuine thank you is in order. When we show gratitude, even if it's a simple thank you, it makes the other person feel noticed and appreciated. Exceptional courtesy is the hallmark of two people newly in love. If you can excavate some of that civility, it will go a long way to feeling more connected.

4. Hug when you see each other at the end of the workday.
A physical connection is paramount for intimacy between lovers and that physical connection shouldn't be all sexual. Hugs are good for your physical health and your relationship. A good hug is relaxing and reminds you on many levels that the person who just walked through the door is your person.

5. Compliment liberally
"You look really sexy in that shirt".
"No one can barbeque a burger better than you."
Those kinds of small but great gestures of kindness matter and they matter even more coming from your partner.

You can't force a good compliment. However, chances are pretty high there are lots of opportunities to make your partner feel special that are getting missed in the fog of routine.

6. Make eye contact with your partner from across the room, or the bed and smile, often.
That acknowledgment and those little moments matter. A glance and a smile is literally a demonstration of seeing the person you love. It's like the foundational cornerstone of flirting. No matter how long you've been together flirting is a thing you should be doing.

7. Hold hands whenever you can.
Watching TV? Hold hands.
Riding in the car? Hold hands.
Walking through the store? Hold hands.
Holding hands is once again, a thing couples do. It reinforces your physical and emotional connection. It's easy to do and easy to forget to do.

8. Sincerely check-in at least once a day.
This is more than a cursory "How was your day?" This is about taking the time to ask your partner at least one question a day, inquiring about how they feel about something.
"How did you feel about that meeting?"
"How do you feel about our upcoming vacation?"
"How do you feel your mother's illness?"
That kind of inquiry opens doors for intimacy and demonstrates a willingness to be present, if only for a minute.

9. Help your partner get undressed.
It's an intimate act. It might be foreplay, but it doesn't have to be. Yes, it might be hot. However, there is something tender and caretaking about the act of undressing. This might be a one-minute activity. However, fair warning, if you're doing it right, this one might take a lot longer.

10. Sleep naked - every single night.
Oxytocin is a powerful force and it's a hormone that's stimulated by skin to skin touch. Known as the cuddle chemical or bonding chemical, women tend to have more oxytocin than men, but men produce it in spades when their naked body is up against the naked body of the woman they love.

That is a good thing and it actually takes less effort to crawl in bed naked than to put on that t-shirt and those trusty old sweatpants.

So, a couple of months after Carrie and I originally chatted she checked in.
She sounded like a new woman and she reported she had what felt like a new marriage. She said it was subtle at first but within a couple of weeks they were feeling very connected again.

James reported his favorite part of her body is the curve right below her bum. Carrie reported she couldn't remember the name of the new hire at her company.

*Client story shared with permission. Names have been changed to protect privacy.

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You Don't Need Another Tutorial On Self-Care

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Mon, 14 May 2018 20:34:17 GMT

Because let's face it, you already know what you need to do.

He says he loves her and she knows she loves him. She spends a lot of time waiting for him, waiting for him to call, waiting for him to show up, waiting for him to make her a priority. It feels like she's been waiting forever - it's really only been a few months. But it feels like the wait will be worth it.

He's promised her so many things. He says he's planning an exotic vacation for them. He says he wants her to meet his family. He says he'll take care of her forever. Most importantly, he says he loves her and she loves hearing those words. She wants to believe him. She tells herself it's true, but in the dark moments alone, waiting, she can't feel it. She can't feel anything but the aloneness. He's not abusing her but she can't figure out why she's in so much pain. So she hangs on the words, "I love you" because the words are all she has.

She's thirsting to death in an emotional desert and she's waiting for her next drops to drink.

***********************************************************************************************
I have read more articles on self-care than I can count. As a matter of fact, I've written dozens of them. When I type the words self-care into Amazon under books, there are more than 50,000 listed. I might have read 20,000 of those. As much as I'd like to think we don't do our self-care because we don't know how it's simply not true.

I'm not going to lie and tell you I do my self-care like a pro all the time. I have days, sometimes even weeks when my self-care gets shuffled down on the list after things I'm making more important. The problem is, nothing is more important because without self-care I don't show up for anything at my best. And neither do you, but I'm guessing you already knew that.

Sure, there might be like ten women out there who really have no idea how to do their self-care. However, the rest of us know how. What we don't know is how to fit it all in. What we're looking for is someone to teach us how to actually be consistently doing it. And guess what - there isn't a tutorial for that's going to give you some magical incantation that will inspire you to put yourself first either.

Bottom line: You don't need another tutorial on how to do self-care. You don't need to read another article about the latest and greatest self-care system. There is no magical vitamin that's going to get itself taken or exercise that's going to do itself. If you don't make yourself a priority no one else is going to do that for you - and most of us don't.

What you do need to do is face the reason you're not doing it head-on. And chances are you're not going to want to admit the truth about what that reason is, but it's simple.

You're not doing your self-care because all that talk you're doing about self-love is lip service. If you're not making the time and spending the energy to take care of yourself you don't love yourself enough.

Self-care and self-love are one in the same. There is no way around it. As much as we like to claim we love ourselves, if there isn't action behind the words, the idea of self-love is just that, an idea.

You know what that looks like when it's coming from someone else. Almost everyone has experienced someone in their lives who say they love you but they don't act like it. It's dishonest and you know it. The words falling out of the mouth of someone you want to love you are hurtful and meaningless when that person treats you with disregard and doesn't prioritize you.

And yet, we ignore the fact that we often do it to ourselves. The sad harsh reality is when you're saying you love yourself but don't act accordingly, you also know it's a lie. The most insidious kinds of lies are the lies we tell ourselves. Those are the lies that create a very shaky foundation for everything else. And if you tell yourself that lie for too long you'll start feeling like a victim to everything because you won't have the energy or peace of mind to manage your affairs.

Self-care is optional. You don't have to do it. If you're like most women you're living proof. However, the question isn't living, it's quality of life. No one gets a pass on the cost of not doing it. Eventually, the wheels will come off the bus and often times when the wheels start coming off, we tell ourselves we don't know why.

And in case you're reading this and thinking, " Well, truth be told, I don't actually love myself that much. ", I've got news for you on that front also. If you start treating yourself like you're worthy of love and attention, the feelings will follow.

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The Deliberate Creator's Guide to Antidepressant Medication

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Sat, 12 May 2018 22:35:32 GMT

Because Depression Is Not a Spiritual Failure

In the deliberate creation and metaphysical communities, there are very few topics that bring up as much ire as the subject of depression and the use of anti-depressants. When you are trained to believe thoughts are things and your focus creates reality, depression can feel more like something you're doing wrong than a medical condition that might need treating. And here's the thing, depression is very personal. No two depressions are the same. We don't get to judge anyone else's depression. It's hard enough not to judge yourself when you're experiencing it.

Not all depressed people will need medication, but for those who do, there can be a lot of shame involved in that reality. That shame is especially sharp for those who think they should just get their thoughts on track and everything will be fine. The spiritual community isn't set up with a language to talk about depression. The medical community has a difficult time with the subject sometimes. Society doesn't like sad people. For a deliberate creator the reality can be even more confusing and disorienting.

Most people think depression characterized by sadness. However, there are many symptoms of depression.

A depressive episode may include:
Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Low appetite and weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and pain for which no other cause can be diagnosed.

Typically, there are two types of depression. There is situational depression, the type that's caused by an event or a loss. Then there is chemical or chronic depression which is caused by a complicated dis-regulation of brain chemistry.

For most people, a situational depression will ease on its own in time. However, a severe episode of situational depression can become fixed as the neuroplasticity of the brain sets around a depressive mood state. So, if situational depression doesn't lift in a few weeks, you might need help.

Chemical or chronic depression is a whole other animal. Some people's brains just don't produce the right chemicals in the right proportions to support a healthy and happy mood consistently. It's a medical issue similar in nature to Type 1 diabetes. It's not the patient's fault. If you had Type 1 diabetes you might not like it, but you wouldn't feel shame in taking your insulin. In the same way for some people taking an antidepressant is medically important.

It's often said that depression results from simple chemical imbalance, but that figure of speech doesn't capture how complex the disease is. Research suggests that depression doesn't occur from simply having too much or too little of certain brain chemicals. Often it's described just that way as a simple serotonin imbalance.

The truth is there are countless possible causes of depression, including faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. In most cases, it's several of these forces interact to bring on depression.

To be sure, chemicals are involved in this process, but it is not a simple matter of one chemical being too low and another too high. Rather, many chemicals are involved, working both inside and outside nerve cells. There are millions, even billions, of chemical reactions and combinations that make up the dynamic system that is responsible for your mood, perceptions, and how you experience life.

With this level of complexity, you can see how two people might have similar symptoms of depression, but the problem is on the inside, and therefore what treatments will work best, may be entirely different. Not everyone who experiences depressive mood disorder or depressive cycles would benefit from antidepressants, even if their depression is chronic or chemical. However, many do.

Some types of depression just can't be managed by strong-arming your thoughts. You can't always just think your way out of a chemical imbalance in your body. You wouldn't suggest that to someone who needs insulin and it's irrational to think you're failing if you cant' when it comes to depression.

The stigma of shame surrounding depression in society is very strong and it's worse in the metaphysical, deliberation creation, and personal development communities. That shame in and of itself makes things much worse. Shame is an unhealthy emotion for anyone. However, for a person who's experiencing depression, it's like an anchor that makes you feel like your drowning.

It makes me sad to think about the many spiritual people who feel isolated and shamed by their feelings. It also makes me feel sad that deliberate creators feel like they can't play with the Universe and create when they're feeling depressed. While that's not true, the spiritual community doesn't nurture enough conversations about the sacred nature of sadness and often doesn't embrace people who can't find their feel-good thoughts or just get happy.

Depression isn't a failure. It's a medical condition. There is no way around that. And in some cases, it's a medical condition that requires more than one approach to treatment .

Now, to be clear, I understand medications don't work for everyone. I believe anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications are over-prescribed in our society. I know a lot of issues that are masked by medications could be addressed in other therapeutic ways, most holistically and permanently.

However, as true as that is, it is also true that some people will need pharmaceutical help. Some people can be on anti-depressants for a short period of time and their brain chemistry can recover. Others will need those meds forever. Either way, if you need them not taking them is a risky choice.

So, the bottom line is if you're doing everything you can do to feel better and it's not moving the dial, call a trusted prescribing doctor and have a conversation.

If you do decide to go the pharmaceutical route here are four deliberate creator friendly tips for success:

1. Medication without self-care will fail you.

Depression makes managing even the most basic self-care almost impossible for most people. The meds should give you enough of a leg up to have the energy and focus you need to take care of yourself. However, if you don't take care of yourself the medication will fail.

There is no antidepressant or psych med on the market that can take you all the way. You've still got to do your part. Solid self-care is the foundation for brain chemistry. Sleep, exercise, and healthy food are the most important. But good self-care should also include spiritual and emotional elements.

2. You will still need to manage your thoughts.

Medications won't do that work for you. However, medication might make it possible to do it at all. When your brain chemistry is out of balance it can be completely impossible to manage your thoughts and focus. The medication can create a neurochemical environment that makes what was once impossible doable.

However, if you think you're just going to be happy because you're popping a daily anti-depressant and everything will magically be different, you'll be disappointed. You will still need to be the daily driver of your thoughts and by doing that you can be the curator of your emotions. The difference is, it will be doable where might not have been before.

3. Therapy is a thing and even if your depression was chemical therapy might make the medication more effective.

The underlying issues that contribute to causing depression might be chemical or they might have been something else that turned into a chemical imbalance over time. Either way, if you've been feeling bad for a long time working through those feelings in a supported environment with a professional significantly increases the chances the meds will work.

A good therapist or the right coach can make all the difference for long-term success with anti-depressants. Having someone in your life who hasn't been impacted by your depression to talk to is invaluable as you work your way through the feels of sadness and even shame. Look for someone who speaks the language you do from an outlook or spiritual framework. Tell your therapist or coach you believe in the power of your thoughts and take that seriously.

4. Finding the right medication is more guesswork than science and it might take some experimenting to get it done.

A lot of people have stories about how they took a med before that didn't work. However, medications and prescribing protocols have improved significantly over the last few years. A past bad experience doesn't mean it won't work now.

The first doctor you talk to might not be the right doctor for you. If you're not comfortable or seeing results, look for someone else. The first medication you try might not be the right medication. So, you want to work with a prescribing doctor who knows what they're doing and will take the time to listen and get it right over time.

Follow your intuition. Listen to your gut. No one is a better expert on you than you.

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4 Insanely Useful Tips for Having a Better Day

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 10 May 2018 20:49:10 GMT

It's easier than you think

We tend to overcomplicate things, particularly when it comes to happiness. We're almost always trying to get something or get somewhere thinking we'll be happier when it happens. But it doesn't work. Happiness isn't out there somewhere and it's almost never about the big-ticket items.

Being happy is a pretty nebulous concept. It's hard to define and because it's difficult to put a pin in it on the life map, happiness might not be the best goal. Maybe a better goal is having consistently better days, one day after the next, getting better and better.

The good news is having a better day is doable. It's doable when you're down and it's also doable when you're up to have even better days. These four insanely easy tips will make it easy to reach for just a little more feel good every day it'll feel like cheating.

1. Pump up the negative ions

It's not your imagination that you feel better at the beach or the mountains. It's the negative ions. Negative ions are also the reason most people love a good thunderstorm. Those kinds of storms whip up an excess of negative ions.

Negative ions are odorless, tasteless, and invisible molecules that we inhale in abundance in certain environments like mountains, waterfalls, and beaches. Once they reach our bloodstream, negative ions are believed to produce biochemical reactions that increase levels of the mood chemical serotonin, helping to alleviate depression, relieve stress, and boost our daytime energy.

You can buy negative ion generators for your home. You might also get the benefits of increased negative ions from using Himalayan salt lamps or an indoor water fountain.

However, you don't have to spend extra cash to increase the negative ions in your environment. A shower will do the trick. Standing under moving water baths you in a flow of negative ions and may very well improve your mood. Some experts say opening the window and using a fan to blow through the fresh air may have many of the same benefits.

2. Listen to music but choose it carefully.

Listening to music can create peak emotions, which increase the amount of dopamine, a specific neurotransmitter that is produced in the brain and helps control the brain’s reward and pleasure centers. We often feel emotions are experienced from our heart, but an enormous part of emotional stimulus is communicated through the brain. Our newfound understanding of how music affects the brain and heart is leading to innovative ways to utilize music and the brain to create changes in the brain that impact mood.

We all know how easy it is to feel a flood of sad emotions when you listen to a sad song. We also know how effortlessly a smile will cross your face when you hear an upbeat song or a song that triggers a happy memory. Music is a very reliable driver of mood and you can play it like a dial for dopamine.

Listening to upbeat music, especially upbeat familiar music will have an almost instant impact on mood. Creating a great day soundtrack is an easy way help your brain create the neurochemistry that supports feeling good. The good news is you only need to do it about once a season. The same soundtrack will continue to have a notable positive effect on mood for upwards of 3-4 months, even if you listen to it daily.

3. Wear something you don't wear often, and make it colorful.

Several ancient cultures, including the Egyptians and Chinese, practiced chromotherapy, or the use of colors to heal. Chromotherapy is sometimes referred to as light therapy or colorology and is still used today as a holistic or alternative treatment.

In this treatment:

Red was used to stimulate the body and mind and to increase circulation.
Yellow was thought to stimulate the nerves and purify the body.
Orange was used to heal the lungs and to increase energy levels.
Blue was believed to soothe illnesses and treat pain.
Indigo shades were thought to alleviate skin problems.

Typically when it comes to mood:
Blue typically calms
Orange is energizing
Purple, especially lavender is soothing
However, the effects of color are individual. Only you know what colors make you feel happiest.

While modern science isn't exactly on board with chromotherapy as a legitimate science, we've all experienced feeling better when we put on a colorful dress or shirt and step out. Bonus points if that something isn't something you typically wear. Your brain likes things that feel new - or even newish.

4. Pretend to be someone else - for a little while.

Most people understand the connection between mood and creativity. However, that's not a one-way street. Yes, your mood can make you more or less creative. However, imagination can also stimulate mood. That's why writing or doing art can be a really good way to shake off the blues.

However, stimulating your imagination by pretending to be someone else or a future version of yourself. That kind of make-believe utilizes multiple parts of your brain can increase feel-good brain chemicals. A little bit of role play can go a long way.

Additionally, pretending to be someone else, someone other than you are right now is a good way to get out of your own head. It's an excellent way to take a mental vacation from things that might be stressing or worrying you. Even a small break from your stressful thoughts can give your brain a chance to reorient itself and see things a little or a lot differently.

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There Will Be Plugged Toilets, Broken Down Cars, and Bad Days in Every Marriage

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Thu, 03 May 2018 06:09:02 GMT

And your relationship can be better for it.

Their broken washer was under warranty. Getting it replaced was more complicated than you might think. She'd been doing laundry by hand in the bathtub for more than a week because her car's starter was also not working and taking an Uber to the laundry mat didn't seem like a practical plan.

Her husband is a mechanic hobbyist. He had the starter. He just hadn't gotten it replaced. His work was insane. It felt like he was working double time to just keep up. So, the car sat in the driveway like a memorial to all the things that weren't working inside the house and inside her life.

The replacement washer was supposed to be delivered two days before, but it wasn't. When her son's gym teacher sent a note home saying he needed clean socks and uniform for class, she almost cried. She reminded herself women did laundry by hand for centuries and just started washing - except doing laundry in the bathtub caused the toilet to back-up - not the nice clean kind of back-up, but the other kind, you know the really messy kind of toilet problem.

Her husband was late coming home again. When he walked into the bathroom she was plunging the toilet like her life depended on it because it felt like it. He glibly asked her how her day was and when she turned to answer him, there was literally poop on her face. In shock, he looked at her and said, "Wow. That's not sexy."

And she dropped the plunger, found her car keys, and walked out - not forever, but she wondered if she wanted to. She sat in her car for three hours watching the river flow by pondering what her life had become.

He texted five times to apologize. He called, over and over again. She didn't answer. She called me instead.

"The new car smell has really worn off with this relationship. I miss the early days of our relationship. I miss who I was. I miss a life that had more spark and less shit. I don't know how we landed here, but I don't want to be here anymore."

She wasn't exactly saying she wanted to leave her marriage. She wasn't exactly sure she wanted to stay or go. She didn't know anything other than that she didn't want to do laundry in the tub, plunge toilets, make another sack lunch, or crawl into bed with a man she wasn't going to have sex with who was sarcastic about poop on her face. She didn't not love her husband, but she couldn't remember what it felt like to feel it.

Life happens. Life is messy. Life sometimes comes with healthy portions of shit and when life is happening in the sacred container of a relationship it can stop feeling sacred really damn quick.

Now to be clear, this isn't all about the shit on her face. A lot of it had to do with the fact that she and her husband hadn't been on a proper date in more than a year. They hadn't had sex in months. Her husband was late coming home from work more often than he was on time. Getting her car fixed wasn't the only thing he was behind on doing.

She hadn't done her makeup for more than a special occasion for more than two years. She felt lucky if she showered daily. She'd quit listening when she asked him how his day was, even when he answered. She said she was too busy to take any time for him, but really she was just tired, disengaged, and intentionally isolating in her own marriage. She was the one who forgot their last anniversary.

When the day to day grind of life makes a relationship feel like more work than play there will come a breaking point, and it will come sooner than later. Shit happens, toilets plug, bills pile up, dogs get sick, kids need clean laundry - and if the relationship that holds all those things doesn't get attention, that relationship will demand it and the demand won't be pleasant.

There needs to be more good stuff in a relationship than the hard stuff. You might want to think the balance of that is up to the Gods of fate, but it's not. It's up to you. You've got to make the good things happen to insulate your relationship from all the other stuff. New car smell is going to be temporary. A great relationship can last forever, but it won't if you leave it on autopilot.

Great relationships happen by design not by accident. You aren't a victim of your daily routine - you create those routines. You design your own habits. You can craft the special moments and the memories. If you're not designing habits, routines, and rituals that insulate your marriage from plugged toilets and broken down cars, that's on you. And I might add, one person acting intentionally to create rituals and habits that support a relationship can save a marriage.

Here's the thing: It's easy to think keeping or losing the spark in your relationship is out of your control, it either happens or it doesn't. A lot of people think it's inevitable or even natural. Thinking like that will ensure your roommate / not lover status before you know it.

And you might think I'm preaching here, being a little sanctimonious. I'm not because I am a woman who forgot my last anniversary also. I know how it happens. But I also know nothing is more important than keep my marriage on track and none of my excuses are worth shit.

Priority = where you spend your time, money, and energy.

If I'm not giving my marriage the time money and energy it deserves or requires, it doesn't matter how often I say my marriage is a priority. Words without action mean nothing.

You can make time to touch.
You can make time to listen.
You can find the energy to make love.
You can take an evening for a date night even if you can't leave the house.
You can force yourself into the shower and put on a nice outfit.
You can find a space to connect.
You can be present for your marriage.

And so can I.

Life will make you feel like a victim. It will happen to you unless you get yourself in the driver's seat and stay grounded in what really matters. A healthy marriage isn't hard work - that's a myth. A sick relationship will be the hardest work you'll ever have to do.

So, a word to the wise might be, feed yourself and your marriage before starvation sets in.

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I Don't Feel Inspired to Do Anything

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 00:42:20 GMT

The Deliberate Creators Dilemma

I was talking to a friend a few days ago who was frustrated with her lack of results in dating. That assessment wasn't exactly accurate because she wasn't yet actually dating. She was contemplating upgrading her online profiles but not doing it and stewing in her angst about dating in general. However, dating wasn't happening at all.

This is a smart woman. She knew she needed to get herself to a feel-good place regarding dating before getting the ball rolling. So she was trying very hard to manhandle her alignment around dating. It wasn't working. She couldn't tell herself a single feel-good story about dating that got any traction. The thought of dating didn't feel like a good time - in fact, it felt overwhelming and unpleasant.

"All I feel like doing when I get off work is watching some TV and kicking back. I don't feel like getting online to check on matches. I don't feel like getting out and meeting people. I don't have any inspiration to do much of anything."

So, she felt stuck. We're talking about the kind of stuck that feels serious because it's keeping her from moving in the direction of something she really wants which is a serious relationship.

And I can so relate to that.

I am currently trying to manhandle my alignment regarding selling my house. All signs point to the fact that I'm not exactly nailing that. Biggest red flag on my failure to align is the fact that despite the fact that for weeks I've been saying, "We're going to list next week", we haven't. I actually stopped myself before typing that last bit to send an email to just one potential realtor so I could tell myself I did something.

Want to know what I feel like doing right now?
Nothing. That's what. I feel overwhelmed, anxious and generally crabby all the time.

And this about sums up a deliberate creators dilemma. You know inspired action is the only way to go. But what's a creator to do when nothing feels inspired?

Good money says take no action.
However, at some point taking no action also starts to feel like crap.

Bottomline: If you're not inspired, you're not aligned.

When you're aligned, inspiration shouldn't be far behind. If you're waiting too long for some sort of inspiration, it's a sure sign you're not as aligned as you might think you are. It may also be a sign you're trying to align with the wrong thing.

I call it, "trying to manifest in the churn." When you're in a sailboat headed for the open ocean, there is always a patch of water between the harbor and the clear flat ocean that gets a little or a lot rough. That is what we would call the churn. It's easy to get stuck in the harbor because you don't want to even get into the churn. It's also easy to get stuck in the churn if all you can focus on is the choppy water.

Simply put, we often get stuck trying to manage our alignment to something too close to where we stand.

In my friend's case, her focus on trying to love dating was blocking her view of being in an amazing forever relationship with a man she loves her loves her back.

She doesn't need or even want to get aligned with loving dating. Dating is not the destination. Her work is to focus on that amazing relationship and let go of micro-managing the details. If she can get dialed down on happily in love and happily ever after, inspiration will follow. It has to.

In my case, successful selling our home is not the destination.
I don't want to be a house-selling pro. Living in Mexico is the destination. I've been focused on the wrong outcome. So, it's no wonder I'm having trouble feeling inspired. My attention on getting aligned with the sale of the house process is completely making me forget how much I'm going to love living in our new home and new location.

Both of us are trying to manifest in the churn. It's disconnecting us from focusing on what we really want to navigate towards. We're stuck too close to where we are, getting distracted by the choppy waters.

When I think about listing our home and getting through that process, I just want to take a nap. When I think about living in Mexico and our beautiful house there, I have the energy to pack a few boxes and continue getting ready to stage.

You always want to focus on where you're headed - the open blue water. Any sailor with experience will tell you to keep your eyes on the horizon. Overwhelm, apathy, and exhaustion are usually a product of being stuck in the churn.

It's the same question it always is. What do you really want? We all think getting something is going to make us feel better than we do now. Feeling better now is an inside job, and it's always accessible now. In my case, focusing on my end desired goal sure does help.

Update: In the time it took me to get this blogpost done the realtor called to let me know every home he's listed in my area has sold in a bidding war in less than three weeks. It only takes the universe a little crack of alignment to get things unstuck.

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4 Doable Self-care Hacks That Can Change Your Life

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 11 Apr 2018 18:29:48 GMT

Excuses be damned - you can do these.

I preach the self-care gospel. You might say I'm an evangelist. I believe for about 100 reasons nailing your self-care is everything.

Self-care fuels you so you can enjoy the life you have now.
Self-care fuels the energy it takes to create change in your life.
Self-care sets the tone for how other people treat you. If you don't' value yourself, why would anyone else?
Self-care buffers you from stress and ensures you stay heathier.
Self-care is a cue to the Universe that you think you're deserving.

I could go on. There are lots of reasons it's important and as vital as it is, most women don't have a handle on their self-care. Being the self-appointed evangelist of self-care, you'd think I'd nail it consistently. I don't. I'm on my game most of the time. However, I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. It's either go big or fail spectacularly with me. So, I confess, there are days, even weeks at a time when my self-care is sucky - you know, the failing spectacularly category.

And because I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, sometimes it's hard for me to get back into a solid self-care routine because I tend to over-complicate things, especially when I'm stressed. The problem is, I need it most when I'm stressed.

There is no real shortcut to self-care. However, it doesn't have to be complicated. The good news is, solid self-care builds on itself. The time and energy you invest in self-care tends to make more space, more time and energy for more self-care, self-nurturing, and self-love.

So, if you're like me and you're looking for a way to maximize your self-care with minimum time and energy, here are four fool proof tips to get that party started.

1. Nail the one thing that makes the biggest difference.

There is always one thing, and you know what that one thing is. I like lists and scores so, I keep a list of ten items a day I like to be doing for self-care. However, there is ONE thing on that list of ten that has more weight than all the others combined.

For me, it's committing to an intentional morning routine. For someone else, it might be planning meals and eating well or daily yoga. Whatever it is for you, commit to that one thing and get it done daily at any cost. If you consistently nail your ONE big thing, you'll create energy to add other things sooner than later.

2. Let it be ok for other people to have their own feelings.

Seriously now, it's ok if someone is else angry, even if they are angry with you. It's ok if they are sad. It's ok if someone else disapproves.

We burn a lot of emotional energy trying to control or take responsibility for other people's feelings. If you can be 100% ok with whatever anyone else is feeling you will have the kind of energetic and emotional freedom usually reserved for the highly enlightened. You know you've always wanted to be Buddha. Start here.

What someone else is feeling is not your business. Letting that one sink in is the kind of self-care that requires a zero extra time or money investment. The payoff is priceless.

3. Get over needing to exercise more and get into moving more often.

Stop beating yourself up for not going for that run or getting to the gym.

Start giving yourself a dance break every couple of hours, taking the stairs, or walking to the corner store when you'd usually drive.

Most experts agree intermittent exercise is the bombdigity for your metabolism. So, yes, that gym membership or palettes class is probably a good thing. But if you're not doing it, that's no excuse not to do right by your body. Three to five minutes of movement several times a day is really good for you.

4. Pick a thought you like and play it on repeat.

After reading the book, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, I learned to love the cumulative power of a thought loop. You're thinking all the time anyway. Why not think a thought that's not garbage.

The thought, "I love myself." is what I would call a native or organic thought. It feels like a relief when you think it. It's easy to remember. A thought like that on loop in the background of your brain all day can permanently up-level your dominant vibration and prevent you from getting stuck in a swirling loop of anxiety.

Again, looping an empowering thought is free and takes no time. It simply takes some practice and discipline. It's worth it the effort and moves the dial in your life.

Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

A Simple Hack for More Relationship Intimacy that Requires Zero Extra Time

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Fri, 06 Apr 2018 21:32:49 GMT

For many couples, it's easy to spend too much time talking about "issues."
What's happening with the kids?
What's happening with the pets?
What's happening with the money?
And of course, the personal favorite -
What's happening at work?

These kinds of topics tend to lean into talking about what's challenging or what's going on. They become problem-solving sessions instead of opportunities to connect. This is less than ideal for more than one reason.

First of all, your relationship becomes a problem-solving think tank and by default starts to orient around problems. That's not awesome. Not too surprisingly, the tone of the relationship begins to feel negative for no particular reason.

Secondly, your relationship starts to feel more and more like a business partnership than a passionate, romantic connection.
Why? Because that's what business partners do. They solve problems to keep the household and the family pointed in the right direction.

And if you're in a marriage, or a marital equivalent, you know I'm right. You know that at some point at the end of the day, the one conversation you're going to have, even if it's the only conversation you have, is going to be that business of the day check-in.

I know I'm guilty. I do it more than I should. I get very utilitarian in conversations with my husband. When he walks in the door at the end of the day, I ask my husband what I would call the bridge question.

"How was your day?"

That question is the bridge into problem-solving mode. He starts talking about all the things that challenged him during his day and it's game on. However, that game doesn't create intimacy and connection. It merely firms up our business related partnership because we start dealing with the business of the day. That's not intimacy.

It's said the quality of your life is determined by the quality of the questions you ask. There's a lot of wisdom there. That wisdom also translates into relationships. "How was your day?", is not a quality question.

Here are five higher-quality questions you might ask your beloved at the end of the day:

"What surprised or inspired you today?"

"What did you learn today that I'd find interesting?"

"Did you meet or talk to anyone new?"

"Where were you most successful today?"

"What's the most important thing you did today?"

Asking a better question doesn't take any more time than asking a low-quality question. There's no excuse not to up your game.
Curiosity is sexy.
It's also really hard to fake.

These are the kinds of questions that initiate conversations more inclined to spark a connection. However, if you've been phoning it in with the, "How was your day?", question all along, you may have to commit and give it some time. Your partner might have to start looking for more interesting answers to more interesting questions.

It's worth it though. It's always worth the effort to build deeper connections. Intimacy doesn't happen without attention. A lot of relationships can benefit from more quality time. However, even if you can't make more time, you can commit to being more intentional about the time you do have.

Every conversation and every question has energy. Being intentional with an eye on intimacy can make every interaction an opportunity to grow a deeper connection in your relationship.

You can do it. I know you can. You'll probably have an opportunity to start today.

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Right This Very Moment, You Are Telling Yourself a Story

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 21:39:57 GMT

Do you like it?

Humans do this thing we almost never notice - and yet we're doing it in almost every moment of every day. We narrate as we go along, telling ourselves a running story about what's happening in the moment. That running dialog camps out in the nether regions between conscious and unconscious thought. We tend to think the story is just running. However, we've got more control than we might want to exercise.

You hear that narration just below your conscious thoughts all the time. It shapes your perception of reality. It's completely within your control if you just reach for it. That narration is about one hundred percent responsible for how we experience our moments, days, and lives.

This might be one version of the story I might have been telling this morning.

I always oversleep. I never get up early enough.
Mondays are not my favorite.
Here we go again. I'm not feeling ready to start this week.
So many things I didn't get finished over the weekend.
I always wear the same thing. I wish I had more time to get myself looking good.
I'm so sick of not knowing what to make for breakfast.
ect...

And here is the thing: That is poor quality writing. Anyone who read that would know it. You wouldn't want to read a novel that read like that. But left to my own habitual internal monologue - that would be the story of many of my mornings and that would be the experience I'd have of many of my days, unconsciously. I might think it was out of my control - but it's not. I can narrate a much more intentional, much more beautiful experience than that.

Here's another option:

I am waking up on my own time in this beautiful bed, greeted by another faint blue sky again. Today feels unwritten and I always like that feeling. The weekend was intense, with so much to do and so many projects still incomplete. But Mondays are always new, a chance to chance to keep moving, a day to keep choosing. Mondays might not be my favorite, but they always show up ripe and ready even when I'm not.

This comfortable uniform I'm wearing makes me feel at home, my daily wear, that's uniquely me. And as I look in the mirror, bare-faced and raw, I see myself, as I am - here, now, naked. It's easy to love what I see in the mirror.

The simplicity of just this banana is perfect for today. Unpeeling it's fresh, fleshy fruit feels like a metaphor for what might lay ahead, today, this week, this month. But as I'm eating the soft sweet bites, I stop for just a moment and inhale the smell of something so familiar and yet so exotic - a banana. This smell takes me places I want to be if only for a moment.

It's going to be a good day because I am going to make it so.

If both of those were a book, and you had to choose between them, I'm guessing you'd want to read the latter. I know I would. I also know, although both versions of that story describe the same day, I'd rather experience the latter also.

I can have either experience. I can have the Monday that sucks, where I look like shit and mumble to myself while staring into the fridge or I can have a day ripe with fresh possibilities and tropical smelling fruits.

It's all a story. I am the storyteller. That semi-unconscious running dialog can work for me or against me.

We are all making it up as we go along.
We are all creating reality moment by moment.

Vibration is like a currency. You are buying your next version of reality with the vibration you offer today. By narrating your best story of now, you are creating a vibrational reality that gets you the best version of reality moving forward.

Nothing needs to change for you to tell a compelling, satisfying, enjoyable story about the moment you are in right now. Any good novelist knows that. The skill is in being able to artfully describe the mundane. That is the craft of both an exceptional novelist and a deliberate creator.

The bottom line is, if you want a more joy-filled, interesting, and delicious life, you've got to narrate that story moment by moment. Tell the story you'd want to read so you can live the life you want to live.

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Love Doesn't Take Sh*t and It Won't Ask You to Either

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Mon, 26 Mar 2018 21:57:04 GMT

I was talking to one of the most lovely women I know recently when she said something that made me cringe. I hear it a lot from women. It always makes my skin crawl a little.

She was stuck between what felt like a rock and a hard space in a situation with her mother-in-law. She felt like she had two choices to pick from. She could stand up for herself and alienate this woman or cave into a set of demands, again. Her mother-in-law not only invited herself on a family vacation but also started making some particular requests for her accommodations and changes to the itinerary she had no intention of paying for.

My friend was angry. She was angry at her mother-in-law for inserting herself again. She was angry at her husband for not putting his foot down - never putting his foot down. Mostly though, she was mad at herself for caving, silently slinking away from the conversation with her tail between her legs while quietly seething with unexpressed frustration.

As she was telling the story of how the European vacation they'd been saving for, for years was about to be cut one full week short to pay for Grandma's special requests, I could her backing herself into a corner.

"So, I asked myself, how could I be more loving. I decided to just go with it."

And there it was, the bypass. The place where we detour around the truth in the name of love. Nothing in the tone of her voice or her body language was loving because that's not love. It is surrender, and not the good kind. That kind of surrender feels like defeat. Love doesn't work that way. And it happens a lot. I know I've done it and I'm pretty sure you've done it too.

But here's the thing:
Love is not passive.
Love does not subjugate.
Love certainly doesn't always say yes.
Sometimes love doesn't just say no - sometimes love says hell no.
Love isn't a convenient excuse for being cowardly - and when it's used that way it becomes the furthest thing from love.

Love is the strongest force in the Universe.
Love is never needy, but sometimes it is demanding.

Love stands up.
Love will take a stand.
Sometimes love will go to war from what's right.
Sometimes love walks away.

Love won't ask you to take shit for no reason.
Love is not weak, and it's not an excuse for weakness.

All of that covers everything from your relationship with your mother-in-law to your relationship with everyone and everything else in between. If love isn't your strength you're standing in the wrong place.

There is a difference between taking the high road for principle and hiding behind doing the "loving" thing. The difference can be measured in resentment. If taking the high road leaves cleaner clearer energy behind then it might be the right course of action. However, if doing the loving thing leaves resentment in its wake - it's not love. That is bypassing.

In my friend's case, giving in to the demands of her mother-in-law put her relationship with the mother of her husband at more significant long-term risk than standing up and saying no ever would have. The resentment she felt for stuffing her feelings down in the name of love aren't going to go away after the suitcases are unpacked. That kind of baggage doesn't unpack easily. Resentment is a cancer that kills relationships.

The next time you ask yourself what the loving thing to do would be, if it doesn't feel strong, it is not love, it is fear. That's bypassing and bypassing never feels good.

Love is not always convenient, but it's always honest.

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A Cheat Sheet for Feeling Good About Yourself

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 20 Mar 2018 18:44:59 GMT

Many experts agree the BMI is an outdated and useless method of predicting health.

Studies show women who carry a little "extra" weight age healthier and live longer.

Smiling makes people look healthier and more attractive than being the right weight or even wearing make-up.

Your body is at her ideal weight when you are taking care of her the way you know you should.

Pores are not supposed to be microscopic.

Almost everyone has tummy "roles" when they bend over.

A thigh gap is a physical trait found in only a small percentage of healthy, well-nourished female body types.

Not sweating is not healthy.

The most common photo-shop on fashion photos is adding curves back onto stick-thin models who are often naturally bluish from lack of oxygen due to eating disorders.

Proper hydration can reduce signs of aging faster than any anti-aging product on the market.

100% of all advertising and magazine images you see are photoshopped - as in every-single-one of them.

Science has proven that having a positive facial expression makes you more beautiful to others than a full face of make-up.

Aging is more about expectation than biology.

Every commercial image you judge yourself by is a lie . Real human women don't look like that.

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There is Alchemy in the Details

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Wed, 14 Mar 2018 04:04:47 GMT

The non-essential is more important than you think.

She has two children under four-years-old. One of them finally graduated to big girl panties last week. So, at least there's that. She works probably 50 hours a week. In her spare time, she manages a very active non-profit. Her husband is a really good guy, but he's gone a lot of the time. So, she's flying solo frequently.

I know this woman personally, and when I contemplate what she's juggling on a regular basis, I need a nap. A mere mortal would be wiped out doing about half of what she does. However, this woman is not mortal. I'm not sure exactly what she is, but she's clearly not human.

She has it together. The wheels do not come off the bus. And I know her well enough to know it's not a facade. It isn't shiny on the outside and falling apart on the inside. I'm certain it's not always easy. In fact, at times, it's hard. However, her life works, and she always manages to look like someone who at least showered before she walked out the door in the morning.

In case you're wondering how she does it, you're not alone. I wondered too. So, I asked her, and she answered the question without skipping a beat.

"I keep fresh flowers in my bedroom and dining room. I never miss my evening bath. I always wear a sexy bra. I don't leave home without my best perfume."

You might have been expecting her to say she had a nanny, housekeeper, and personal assistant, I will tell you, although she can afford them, she doesn't have anyone on staff. And in case you think her answer is bullshit, I can assure you; it's not.

This is a woman who's juggling a lot of essentials. Her life is packed full of things that must get done. When you've got too many things going on too many days in a row that are mission critical, it's easy to start feeling overwhelmed.

However, this brilliant woman figured out the secret to life.

The non-essentials are what makes life worth living.
Doing the non-essential provides fuel. Doing things that are important to you, but not necessary makes doing the critical tasks feel less like work.

Without the beauty of the non-essential life starts to look and feel very black and white. It loses its juiciness, and without that juice, you lose inspiration, and without inspiration, energy starts running low fast.

Let's face it, no matter how hard I try, I can't make the case that taking a bath at night is absolutely necessary. It's nice, but it's not necessary.

However, if you reverse engineer it, it's pretty easy to see how important it is. Taking that bath is relaxing. It leaves you feeling more sensual. Taking that bath might make it easier to get in "the mood". However, it most certainly will make it easier to sleep.

So, the woman who took that bath sleeps well. She wakes up more refreshed, literally and figuratively. She starts her day feeling more grounded because she slept easily and peacefully.
Her morning feels more relaxed, and she gets off to a better start every day.

Necessary? No.
Essential? Not really.
Important? Yes.
Beautiful? Absolutely.

I can make the same case for everything on her list from the sexy bra to the fresh flowers.

There is alchemy in details.
You can make magic in your life if you work the details with devotion. You can put mix the small ingredients in your life to put a spell on yourself. In fact you're doing that all day long anyway. Why not make the magic you want?

It's one part self-care and one part self-indulgence. However, there's nothing indulgent about it when spoiling yourself makes you more efficient.

Life is one of those things that goes one of two ways. Either it's happening to you, or you're creating it. Creating a life you love is rarely about the big things. We think it's going to be. However, even if you get the big things, if you haven't attended to the details, they will feel unsatisfying.

Yeah, the big promotion and the handsome husband are nice. However, you can build a beautiful life on the details now and that will make it easier to relax into creating the "bigger ticket" items on your list.

If you want more, you have to give yourself more.
You have to give yourself the life you want.
Details matter and you are the one in charge of your details.
So, when life is overwhelming, dig into the micro and create more beauty one detail at a time.

A Sermon for Sovereign Women

theomzone@gmail.com (theomzone@gmail.com ) — Tue, 06 Mar 2018 18:39:44 GMT

And it might not be easy to hear.

Let's have a very frank, and possibly uncomfortable conversation about power and intimacy, shall we? As women, very few things matter more than power and intimacy. We may be getting it wrong on both accounts a lot of the time.

Power, simply defined means, the ability to get or have what you want when you want it. Some might suggest power means influence. Both might be true. However, you can influence without enough power to make anything happen. If you can't leverage that influence to get something or change something, it's useless.

Women tend to step away from the word or idea of power. We talk about power like it's manipulative or requires force, like it's a bad thing. It's not. The words "power dynamic" tend to mean two very different things when women say them as opposed to when men say them. Women are always trying to unravel or de-code a power dynamic.

Men are usually trying to create power dynamics, and we resent them for it. Whether they are doing it consciously or not, men move in the currency of power. Whether women are doing it consciously or not, they are often trying to find ways to get what they want other than by being powerful. Women look for things that feel more cooperative or softer.

Women like buy-in and consensus. There's nothing wrong with that. However, if a woman is working from outside of her power, even consensus building will feel manipulative. It will be frustrated and grasping. If she gets the buy-in, it won't feel right and the people who buy-in will feel the unease of it.

There is nothing wrong with just asking for what you want and expecting that request to be met. Not everyone is going to meet all your needs. However, it's not a right; it's a duty to speak your desires to life by asking for them - demanding them even. If you don't ask, you deny someone the choice to say yes or no. That's cheating them and cheating yourself.

So, I'm going to say it, and a lot of people aren't going to be comfortable hearing it. Not all domination is bad, and when a woman dominates, it doesn't feel like a power grab. It's just power. A woman dominates by building where a man tends to dominate by conquering. A woman doesn't have to conquer to dominate. She creates, evolves, unfolds and expands. There is a big difference between feminine and masculine domination.

Intimacy = connection. It's the kind of raw, transformative connection that changes people. Intimacy is safe, but at time feels very vulnerable. Because of that perceived risk of vulnerability, intimacy often takes courage. It's usually worth it. In fact, it's always worth it, because even when it stings, it stretches our hearts and souls for more.

Intimacy might be typically perceived as the territory of the feminine. However, men do intimacy really well, especially if the energy is clean. That said, if it's clouded, or needy, or distorted by fear of abandonment, a man will shut down on intimate connections like flipping a switch. Let's face it; everyone shuts down when intimacy gets knarled and tangled. However, when a man does it, we tend to blame him or think he's shallow.

Men don't deal well in nuance. While we often like to tell ourselves intimacy is nuanced, that it lives in between the spoken word, it doesn't. Intimacy is about one hundred percent built on what's said, and it dies in the spaces in between the words where what should be said, hasn't been spoken.

I've been thinking a lot recently about sex and intimacy. Not to feed into a stereotype, but stereotypes happen for a reason. In longer-term monogamous relationships, men tend to want more sex than they get and women often want more intimacy. Women will withhold sex for intimacy men can't feel without that physical connection. It becomes the chicken or the egg of the end of relationships - except it isn't an unsolvable puzzle.

Women are in control of both intimacy and power. Silence is the killer of both. Women are complicit in their own degradation when they do not use their words to set boundaries and make demands.

I've also recently been pondering a troubling reality that women often consent to sex they do not want. They lay on their backs, legs spread open, with someone inside them when they had no desire for it what so ever. It feels like a duty or even a violation, but it's one hundred percent consensual. Women prostitute themselves turning men who care about them into unwitting abusers who "should have known better," but didn't.

In those moments, in the dark intimacy dies and women feel powerless, useless, empty, so they blame the men who "pressure" them.

And I know, even as I write this, I'll get dozens of emails saying that men, the patriarchy, society programs women not to value themselves enough to say no. So, yes, I concede. That happens. Women will want to remind me of all the abusers they've met and abuse they've endured, to which I say: Your wounds will not keep you safe any longer. They never actually did.

When a woman barters away her sovereignty or desire for anything, she is the one who has put down the intimate connection in her relationship. She is the one who has turned a blind eye to her power. She is the one out of balance creating the imbalance in her relationships.

A woman who says yes when she means no, in the bedroom, in the boardroom, or anywhere else, is commodifying herself for the sake of convenience - because using your voice to demand what you want can feel very inconvenient.

Women get nothing when they say yes when they mean no or visa versa.
We destroy the intimacy we desire.
We corrode our own power.
We belittle the men we cater to by giving them a lesser version of what they really crave.

A healthy man likes a woman in her power.
And if you don't use your words to ask for what you want, you might want power, but you'll have none. A woman dominates in the most non-manipulative way when she can ask for what she wants as if it were a demand, as if in the asking, the delivery is assured.

And here's where the intimacy comes in -
She has to tell the truth, the raw, vulnerable version of the truth when she asks for what she wants.

It might mean saying, "I do not want you inside me. I want you to go down on me."

It might mean saying, "I want to sleep now."

It might mean saying, "I want you to demonstrate your presence by talking with me."

It might mean saying, "I want a raise for doing the work I'm currently doing."

It might mean saying, "No" or "Yes" without explanation or justification. Every time we try to explain our no's and yes's we diminish their value and our own worth. Those two words are single word, stand-alone, sentences. No one has to understand your "why" for it to be legitimate.

And I'm going to let you in on a secret.
Men prefer it that way. They like being told what to do because it's clean. They aren't good at guessing, and they know it.

No one can silence you, but you. If someone's trying, you might want to learn to love the sound of your boots on the pavement walking away. No one who tries to silence you is worth submitting to or worth fighting for.

You have no right to anger if you don't have what you didn't ask for.
You have no right to anger if you submit to something you didn't want to do.

AND IT CAN AND SHOULD ALL BE DONE WITH LOVE.

Lovingly, yes.
Lovingly, no.
Lovingly ask for, or even demanding what you want.

Love isn't weak. Just because it's loving doesn't mean it's a suggestion.

LOVE IS THE STRONGEST FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE.

It starts with loving yourself first. From there you can lay down your anger to lovingly demand your desires to life.

I have never met a man I wanted to spend more than ten minutes with who wouldn't concede that women hold all the cards. If you've got them, it's on you to put them on the table. That doesn't mean men are weak. They experience their strength most intensely when they are in the company of a woman who holds her own. Men are not the enemy. Silence is the enemy.

The #metoo movement can only wield so much power. It can only take us so far, and I suspect it's already done its job. We found each other there. We realized we weren't alone in our shame or suffering. The movement was also a turning point for men. Maybe we've educated some men about the misuse of power. However, men can't liberate us.

I'm honestly only interested in what comes next. I'm particularly interested in #neveragain. That is not about putting down the abusers. We need to get above and beyond them. It's about elevating ourselves into our own power, knowing now, what we wish we'd known before:

We must lovingly demand our sovereignty, and we will no longer waste ourselves where it is not honored.

Sharing is sexy. If you liked this article, share, comment, or pass it on.

Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.