Assumptions
When assume rather than ask, you're setting yourself up for serious hurt.
Dear Lisa,
My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months. We see each other almost every weekend and a couple of times a week. I really like this guy. I think we have a lot in common and feel like there is potential for us to have an incredible future together.
The other day a friend of mine called me to tell me she saw his profile on Match.Com, as in a couple of days ago. I took my profile down a couple of weeks after we started dating. I assumed he did too. I am devastated. We’ve been dating for nine months. I’m trying not to make up a story and think it’s because he’s not committed to me, but inside I’m terrified that’s exactly what it means.
I don’t know how to talk to him about this.
Help!
Kara
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Dear Kara,
Your problem isn’t that his profile is still up on Match. Your problem is that you assumed it wasn’t and you’ve avoided having “the talk”. You assumed you were headed towards an exclusive relationship two weeks in when you took your profile down. That assumption may or may not have been accurate. You just don’t know. Just because his profile is still there doesn’t mean he’s doing anything with it. It might, it might not.
The good news is now is the perfect opportunity to do what you probably should have done before, get some clarity. It is as simple as this.
“Hey, Lynn saw your profile on match a few days ago. It made me wonder if you’re dating other people or if you are wanting to. So, I’d like to know where you are with this.”
Don’t make it any more complicated than that. Don’t make it any simpler either. State the facts and get the info.
Making assumptions in relationships is dangerous. It’s a lazy habit designed to support denial. We never had the right to move forward in any situation based on what we want to believe when we don’t know for sure.
Assumptions are a form of manipulation. Making that assumption after a couple of weeks was probably naive, but after nine months, you have a right to know and he has the right to know what road you're on.
Lisa
*This letter has been shared with reader permission and names have been changed.
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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
