Yeah, But What Do You Want?
It's the only question that matters.
Names and details of this story have been changed to protect the privacy of my client who is happily sharing her story.
Kendra had been dating Ian for almost six months when her grandmother, on her deathbed, whispered to her in a faint, dying voice, “Don’t mess this one up. I want you to marry that boy.”
Heavy, huh?
Being the smart woman she is, Kendra didn’t mention that conversation to Ian. However, a few short weeks after that, things with Ian started getting squirrely anyway.
Ian started being distant. Where they had talked several times daily and saw each other three or four times a week, now he was going days in between calls. Ian was busy at work, busy with friends, and thinking about going back to grad school.
Putting it lightly, Kendra was alarmed. When she hired me, not too surprisingly, she wanted to figure out what was up with Ian. Honestly, I was a little curious too.
The story was intriguing. Why would a great guy in a committed, supposedly happy relationship, start to drift?
Three sessions in a row, Kendra came to our calls to talk about Ian. She could hardly pause to take a breath as she elaborated on the growing and visible distance cropping up between them.
Finally, I was able to catch a moment of pause in the conversation to ask a critical question.
“Kendra, what do you want?”
When Tony Robbins was learning to drive a race car, the instructor told him always look in the direction he wanted the car to go. I also learned this from my father when I was learning to drive my Ford Pinto station wagon.
Tony got it. Tony Robbins probably gets that concept better than most. However, as he was speeding around the track, and he lost control of the car, and was rapidly racing toward the wall, Tony’s instructor had to physically move his face in the direction of the track rather than the wall he was about to hit.
Tony got it.
Kendra struggled. When I asked her what she wanted, she kept drifting back to what was happening with Ian. It took a lot of effort to get Kendra focused on the track.
“I want Ian not to be an asshat.” was her first answer. We concluded that might not be the best use of her focus.
We landed on, “I want to be in a relationship with a man who loves and cherishes me. I want to be a priority.”
And with some clear focus on that intention, Ian and Kendra broke up. That’s right. It ended over dinner at a Thai Restaurant, where he told her he was leaving the state to go to grad school.
I thought that was a good indicator of Kendra’s firm and persistent intention. Kendra thought it was the worst thing that had ever happened, right up until she met Marc three weeks later.
This is not unlike anything else we want to manifest. It’s just extra challenging sometimes in relationships because at times it’s easy to feel powerless when it comes to another person. However, we’re never powerless.
The one thing we always have control over is our focus, and frankly, it’s the only thing that matters.
Kendra and Marc are the cutest couple ever.
Her grandmother was wrong about Ian. However, we can let her off the hook. She was on morphine at the time.
The hardest thing in the world is to focus on what you want when what you don’t want is up in your face. However, the payoff for doing the hard thing makes doing the hard thing well worth it.
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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
