When to Say Yes and When to Say No

Megan loved her job. It was her dream job in almost every way. However, she had no idea her dream job would be as demanding of her time and energy as it turned out to be. She felt a little guilty for resenting how much she worked because many people in her industry could only dream of having the position she did. Megan's job as a fashion editor for a major publication was both dream come true and nightmare a lot of the time.

Megan didn't have a lot of extra energy for anything. It's part of the reason she started coaching in the first place. We spent the first couple of sessions working together, practicing saying "no" a lot more often.

So, when the opportunity came up, Megan felt very conflicted. She was offered the rare chance to curate the final choices for the design catalog of an up and coming designer she's recently met at a party. It was the kind of fluke meeting that seemed too good to be true. This put her much closer to doing to the kind of work she'd always dreamed of, working in a fashion house where beautiful clothes were being created. The problem was, at least at first, it was a part-time gig. She would have to keep her full-time gig while doing it for several months.

She wanted to leap but had talked herself out of it before the idea ever really got off the ground. When I asked her why she told me she didn't want to deal with the overwhelm, which at first glance seemed like a wise, self-nurturing choice. However, at second glance, it was a lie.

Megan told herself she was too busy and too tired, but she was really scared to death. She was secretly terrified she didn't have the design chops to work in that environment. Writing about fashion was one thing. Having a hand in creating a line, was something else entirely and that something was scary. Megan was about to ditch out on something she really wanted by hiding behind her fear.

How do you know when to say yes and when to say no? If the magic eight ball approach to decision making worked, life would be more simple. Generally, though, there is a way to navigate decisions towards more happy and less stress that works.

If you're not doing it because you're scared, it's probably exactly the thing you should be considering.

If you would be doing it because you "should", say no and walk away.

Examples:
You're offered the position as president of your PTA.
If taking not taking it would make you feel guilty for not stepping up or for not being involved enough with your kid's school - say NO.
If you're thinking about saying no because you are a little or a lot scared of taking the lead in a challenging group and you're afraid of public speaking - seriously consider saying YES.

You're BFF is trying to set you with the cute guy from work. She's been raving about him for weeks.
If you are thinking of saying yes because you feel obligated to your friend - say NO.
If you're thinking of saying no because you're nervous about blind dates - seriously consider saying YES.

There's a promotion available at work, and your boss thinks you should apply.
If you're thinking of saying yes only because you want to look like you're interested in being upwardly mobile - say NO.
If you're thinking of saying no because you think it will go to the guy in the cubical next to you - you might want to pull out your best interview outfit and say YES.

Fear is a real thing. It isn't something you should ignore, but fear shouldn't get the final vote on anything.

Obligations are also real. However, doing something because you should when you don't want to too much of the time is a short path to a life that doesn't belong to you.

The secret to happiness is owning your own time and saying yes to yourself liberally, even if that means saying no to others. The secret to growth is systematically overcoming your fears by strategically making choices and doing things that terrify you. If you want things to change chances are very high, you're going to have to move beyond your comfort zone. If you're saying yes to yourself often enough, you'll have more than enough personal bandwidth to do just that.

* This client story has been shared with permission. Names and details have been changed.

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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.