Why Sex is So Important in Relationships & Four Ways to Turn Up the Heat

If you talk to a couple that's been together longer than a year or two chances are pretty high one partner will say they wished they had more romance in their relationship and the other will say they wished they had more sex. It's easy to generalize that women want more romance and men want more sex, and there is a reason generalizations happen, they are often true. However, that generalization doesn't always hold water. I know same-sex couples who experience the same challenges and heterosexual married women who aren't getting laid as often as they'd like.

Sex matters more for long-term relationship satisfaction than most people want to think it does. When a couple gets past the heat of the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship it's not uncommon for sex to slow. However, if when that happens it's not uncommon for intimacy in all forms to wane because the act of sex itself causes an intimate bond.

Sex generates a surplus of oxytocin. Oxytocin is what many refer to as the cuddle chemical. It's the neurochemical that causes bonding. It's that thing that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy when you see a puppy or a baby. Your brain produces a lot of it when you're falling in love. Women tend to have more than men, but everyone likes the way an oxytocin rush feels.

Women often fall into the trap of withholding sex because they aren't getting enough romance. They want to feel that intimate connection before they put out. However, that backfires. The act of sex increases the very neurochemical that creates the intimacy they crave.

So, if a healthy sex life is so important how do you keep it rocking when it's not easy.

1. Talk about sex a lot more.

It never ceases to amaze me how two people who can talk about anything ranging from bowel movements to bills but have a hard time talking about sex. Couples can go months or even years without talking about sex and as shocking as that is, it happens a lot.

When something is hard to talk about the only way to make it easier is to normalize it. The only way to normalize it is to talk about it way more than seems natural.

Talk about your sex life.
Talk about someone else's sex life.
Talk about the sex you want to be having. What you shouldn't be talking about is the sex you're not having. There is a difference.

2. Remember foreplay doesn't start in the bedroom - and that goes for women too.

There probably hundreds of books on this subject. Flirting with your partner can't stop when the courtship is over. However, all the cute notes you leave for your partner or sexts are no substitute for touch.

Non-sexual physical intimacy also stimulates oxytocin. Holding hands, snuggling on the sofa, and an occasional ass-grab go a long way to not feeling like roommates or business partners.

Touching your partner also makes them feel seen and appreciated. Seen and appreciated feels very sexy. We are wired to be attracted to people who pay us attention.

It's hard to get from zero to go in ten minutes after the lights go out. So, if you want to get it on regularly you don't want to start at zero ever. Enough touch during the day makes you feel connected and that's critical for intimacy and arousal.


3. Stop thinking what worked last year, last month, or even last week is still a winning game plan.

In other words, avoid that same old, same old rut at all costs. Sexual desire and preferences evolve over time. Change locations, even if it's in the same room. Change the lighting. Change your approach to foreplay.

Try some toys. Try some music. Try sexy-time movies. And talk about all of it every step of the way.

4. Sleep naked.

Really. No clothes between lovers in bed - ever.
Skin to skin contact is a powerful aphrodisiac and an extraordinarily effective bonding ritual.

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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.