Just Because a Man Isn’t Emotional Doesn’t Mean He’s a Cold Hearted Bastard


I don’t know how often I hear from women that men seem aloof or detached. Well, I do know. It's often.

When a woman is very engaged emotionally and a man seems distant she takes that as a sign that he isn’t interested in her or whatever is happening. More times than not, it isn’t the case. In just the same way men think women are irrational when they are emotional, women tend to think men are cold when they aren’t emotional.

Expecting a man to react or behave like a woman is like expecting a cat to behave like a dog. They don’t. Furthermore, they can’t. Highly charged emotional states are foreign to most men. It overwhelms them and often they shut down. It’s outside of their emotional reaction range. Imagine a woman has an emotional reaction thermostat that goes from 50 to 100 degrees. Men have emotional reaction thermostats that range between 65 and 80.

Notice I said emotional reaction thermostat. Men may feel things with the same intensity. They just react differently, and to a woman, it might look like he’s not reacting at all. Believe it or not, sometimes men feel things more intensely than women do.

Women pride themselves in being empathetic. Men see their strength in logic. There is a tremendous about of wisdom in both sides of that approach. When you dismiss a man who is seems emotionally disengaged, you might be misreading all the signals. Women dive in to get information, men withdraw to think things through, and feel things out alone, and yes, sometimes that withdrawal feels cold.

If a man is withdrawn all the time that’s not a good thing. However, if a man who is typically engaged pulls back, that’s a normal. It’s not just normal, it’s healthy. Honoring that process is just as important as expecting a man to be able to manage our emotional swings, upsets, and outbursts.

Let’s face it, we all want a man, who can “man up” in the face of our emotions. The same applies in reverse. We need to be able to step away reverently when a man is pulling back.

The reason it bothers a woman when a man feels cold is because she thinks she needs him to be different for her to feel better. That’s always the reason anything about someone else bothers us. It’s giving away a lot of emotional power and autonomy when we need someone to be different.

Men have a sacred process, just the way women do. All of it is a part of the beautiful dance between two people of the opposite sex. We don’t want our men to be like us. We want them to be men.


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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

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