Monday Mailbag – How Can I Get Him To See It My Way?

Dear Lisa,

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. For the most part, it’s been great, but we have had some bumps along the way. One of the biggest issues we fight about is time. I would really like to be able to spend more time with him, especially on the weekends when neither of us are working. Sometimes he’s up for that. Sometimes not.

He likes to keep his schedule open. He prides himself on being spontaneous. So, even when we do see each other it’s usually on very short notice or none at all. This is screwing with every other area of my social life because I am afraid to make plans to do things with other people because I might be missing an opportunity to see him. I force myself to do go ahead and make those plans sometimes. However, recently I’ve made plans with friends and cancelled at the last minute when my boyfriend wanted to get together. Not too surprisingly, people don’t like it when I that to them.

He thinks I “demand” too much of his time. He even out and out accused me of being needy recently. I don’t think I’m needy. I simply think I like to make plans and keep my life in order. I’m trying to make him a priority. I feel like I’d like him to do the same.

Even as I write that I feel like a freshman in high school behaving that way. I’m not. I’m 28 years old. I just feel like after a year we should be further along than this kind of game playing. I love him. He’s great in almost every other way. I’m just getting seriously frustrated. How can I get him to see this my way?

Angelina

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Dear Angelina,

This isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong. You know as well as I do, you can’t “make” anyone be different than they are. Actual love, as in unconditional love doesn’t mean you love everything about the person. It means you don’t need them to be different than they are for you to be happy.

That is a tall order. The truth of the matter is you have certain needs. One of your needs is certainty. Certainty is a big ticket item. It’s clear that need is in direct opposition to your boyfriends need to be spontaneous. It would be easy to read your email and say your boyfriend is being a jerk. However, whether that is true or it isn’t, is irrelevant. The relevant point here is that your boyfriend and yourself have opposing needs. No one is right. No one is wrong.

Often times when people realize their needs aren’t being met in a relationship they try to modify them. Ask for less. Want less. Settle more. Compromise more. The problem is, that isn’t sustainable. Sure, you can live with less. You can stay in a relationship where you’re needs aren’t met. However, you can’t thrive. The same thing goes when people try to give too much to accommodate the needs of another. Sure, you can do it, maybe indefinitely, but you won’t thrive. Quite the opposite is true, you’ll end up exhausted.

You’ve been in this a year. My guess is this isn’t the only area of frustration you’ve got running here. Even if it is, it’s enough to seriously question whether or not this is worth investing another day. You’ve talked to him about it and he is either unable or unwilling to meet you where you need him to be.

Don’t compromise on a relationship that leaves you trying to change the other person. It’s draining. Not to mention, the very act of trying to change someone is an unloving act. That’s not who you want to be.

Big love,
Lisa

*This reader letter is shared with permission and names have been changed.

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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.