The Measure of Any Relationship is Who You Become In It

Gabby had been dating Jake for several months before she really started struggling with it. Jake had a very high profile job with a lot of required "events". He was an on-air news personality in their local news market. Jake was the kind of guy who got a lot of attention from the ladies and he didn't discourage it - ever. He wasn't overtly coming on to other women and he wasn't "cheating". However, he liked the attention he got from women and wrote it off as a part of the job.

Gabby was a brilliant, gorgeous, successful woman. The kind of woman who got and kept Jake's attention. However, as the months went on, she started noticing herself wondering when Jake would be flattered enough by one of these women to cross a line. Her confidence started to slide, just a little at a time, but it was progressively becoming more of an issue.

Gabby talked to him about it. He seemed to hear her. However, he reminded her he couldn't control other people and she knew he was right. However, she couldn't help but think Jake was somehow encouraging it or leading those women on. So, the talks turned into fights. And Gabby started wondering why a guy like Jake would want to be with a woman like her in the first place.

As brilliant, gorgeous, and successful as Gabby was, she started questioning whether or not she was enough. She felt anxious a lot of the time. She was in a perpetual dance between being in love with an incredible man and giving into her jealousy. She'd never the been the jealous type. However, this relationship was making it hard not to be.

Gabby wanted coaching. She wanted to know how to get Jake to see how his behavior was tearing them apart. She wanted to know how to get Jake to listen to her. She wanted to feel important to him, to feel beautiful again, to feel like herself again.

Gabby was asking all the wrong questions.

Mindy loved being a nurse. She loved working with people. She'd always worked in a Doctors office because she really enjoyed forming relationships with patients that lasted over time.

When Mindy took her job working for a local pediatrician she was excited. The pay was a lot higher than average and the office was perfectly located in a great neighborhood a few minutes from her home. The higher than usual pay should have been her first clue...

The doctor was brash. At times, behind the scenes he was inappropriate. He talked trash about the kid's parents frequently. He was rude to all the staff all the time and sometimes his rudeness spilled over into painful verbal abuse.

The environment in the office was ice cold. It felt like The Hunger Games. The doctor seemed to get joy out of pitting people against each other and he was good at it. Mindy met with him to discuss her concerns and he suggested she might be too sensitive for a "real job".

Mindy started to hate going to work. A passive-aggressive feud had developed between her and another nurse on staff. She found herself irritated by the patients and their parents and couldn't figure out why.

She was on the verge of quitting when the Doc announced that despite how incompetent they all were, the office was doing well and if they kept it up there would be a bonus payout at the end of the quarter.

Mindy had been a nurse for a decade and was secretly starting to think nursing was a mistake.

Mindy wanted coaching. She wanted support to figure how how to navigate a career transition out of medicine. She needed support getting clarity on her next steps because she had no inspiration for anything.

Mindy was asking all the wrong questions.

The measure of a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is always who you become when you're in it. Both Gabby and Mindy had the same problem in two very different situations. They were both in a relationship where they found themselves being versions of themselves they didn't like.

The tendency when you find yourself there is to try to get the other person to be different than they are being or to figure out how to be happy tolerating shit you shouldn't. However, when you find yourself in a relationship that doesn't inspire your best self to shine, the question you should be asking is, "where is the door?"

Being in a relationship that makes it difficult to be the best version of yourself feels a lot like being cursed.

Being in a relationship with someone who accepts you fully as you are but inspires you to blossom, thrive, and grow is pure alchemy in it's most glorious form.

When you find yourself clamoring to find a way to make the other person change, chances are very high you're in a relationship where you aren't blossoming - and that's not going to be a lesson in growth. That's going to be a lesson in setting higher standards for yourself.

Spend time with people who celebrate you.
Share space with people who cheer for you when you win and inspire when you come up short.

Stop trying to rehab people and relationships where you find yourself being someone you don't want to be. It shouldn't feel difficult to be the person you want to be.

Dont' just choose you. Choose the best version of you.
Bet on her every time. Be uncompromising in protecting her. The best version of you is more important than anyone else will ever be.

Update:

Gabby took a trip to Europe without Jake. By the end of the second week, she started to recognize the woman she saw in the mirror again. She found herself smiling spontaneously and was frequently surprised by the sound of her own laughter. When she returned to Chicago Jake met her at the airport and she broke up with him before he dropped her off at her apartment. She's not interested in dating right now because she's truly enjoying her own company.

Mindy is working as an E.R. nurse. She's making more money than she ever has because she's willing to work less than desirable shifts at night and on weekends. That's working well because she's re-enrolled in school to become a nurse practitioner. The Doc who supervises her weekend shifts is incredibly supportive and is happy to help her study for exams. She's excited to start her own pediatric practice someday soon.