I’m not afraid to admit it. I went through a period in my life where I dated a series of men who were not ideal catches, probably by anyone’s standard. These men ranged from run of the mill unmotivated dead-beats to abusive assholes. My dating track record was less than stellar, to put it mildly.
Before my run of bad dating luck, I had gone through a couple of heart-wrenching relationships that had taken their toll on my emotional well-being and my self-esteem. I had been married to for seven years to a man who really liked other women. After that, I had a six-year relationship with a man who liked me alright but was probably never really in love with me.
As you might imagine, by the time those relationships ended, I didn’t feel that great about myself. However, the one thing I thought I had going for me was persistence. If I fell off that horse, I was going to get right up back on there.
So, I kept dating, and each relationship was just a little worse than the last. I did that right up until my last bad relationship almost killed me.
When people ask me how I found my amazing husband, I often say I found him because I didn’t give up on dating. However, that’s only part of the truth.
The real reason I met and married an amazing man is because I did give up on dating, at least for awhile.
I used that time to finally work on me. That investment of time and energy paid off.
My habit of getting back in the game too quickly almost destroyed me. Although everyone knows it’s wise to take some time to recover after a breakup, recovery itself is only half the battle.
After a relationship ends, if you don’t take the time to recover, your next relationship will suck worse than the one that just ended because your “set point” will be lower than it was before you got into that relationship.
After a relationship ends, if you only take the time to recover, to get yourself back to baseline. You will probably end up back in a relationship about the same as the one you just left, because your setpoint will be about where it was when you got into the previous relationship.
Each time one of my relationships ended, I was just a little, or a lot more damaged than I was before. So, each time I got back into the dating game too soon, I attracted men who were, even more, damaged. The results were devastating.
I should have taken the time to heal. However, I should also have taken even more time to grow, and improve myself, so I could start attracting men who were healthier and more capable of having a healthy relationship and sharing an amazing life.
What I failed to see about the breakups, was that being single gave me an opportunity I repeatedly missed. I missed the opportunity to uplevel myself so that I could attract an up-leveled partner.
Putting very bluntly, if you don’t like the results you’re getting in your romantic and dating life, the place to start getting a better result is not Match.com. You’re going to have to become the person who can attract the kind of partner you can build the life you want with.
If you were that person, you’d have it.
If you don’t have the life you want with the partner you want to share it with, you aren’t there yet.
Here are five things you should do while you’re single:
1. Get in shape and improve your wardrobe. I know that sounds shallow, but it’s not what you think it is. When you look your best, you feel more sexy and confident. When you’re feeling like a rockstar, you aren’t nearly as likely to settle.
2. Get some coaching or therapy. Results tell a story about what’s going on inside, even if you can’t read the plot yourself. If you’re consistently ending up in “crash and burn” relationships, there’s a reason, whether you can spot it yourself or not. Sometimes a little bit of time a professional can save you years of heartache because a good pro can spot what you can’t see in your programming.
3. Get out of your comfort zone. Preferably, get out of your comfort zone, and travel, alone. There is no place to find yourself better than the road. Sometimes you see things more clearly from another vantage point, literally. Getting a different perspective by BEING somewhere else is very helpful. Not to mention when you’re traveling, by definition, you are not stuck, you’re moving. That is a good thing.
4. Focus on friendships. Focus on your existing friendships, and focus on building new ones. Expand your circle of social influence without the ulterior motive of meeting the next Mr/Ms Right. Do it for the purpose of developing a stronger support network, and to meet interesting people you aren’t screening based on date-ability criteria.
The relationships you develop and nurture when you’re single can last a lifetime. So, it’s worth the investment of time and energy.
5. Grow yourself spiritually. Whatever spirituality means to you, get in there, and do some spiritual work. Spirituality and self-growth are intimately connected. It’s hard to do one without the other. Spiritually is very grounding. It’s very comforting, and it’s very empowering. Many people adopt their parents or community’s spiritual beliefs by default. If you find yourself single as an adult, it might be a perfect time to explore spirituality independently and own your beliefs in a more powerful way.
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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan. She is also co-founder of Good Vibe Coach Academy, specializing in LOA Coach Training.
Posted on 12/14/2015 at 12:00:00 AM