I’ve been on a lot of first dates lately. Occasionally, I’m going on a second or third. But to be frank, I’m beginning to feel like something is terribly wrong with me. Sometimes I can tell the date isn’t exactly a hit, but even when I think we’re having a great time, I rarely hear from the guy for a follow-up date.
I used to feel really confident. I’m not going to bother listing all my great traits here. However, I’ve got some. I’ve got friends who think I’m fun to be around. I just can’t figure out how to have great first dates.
Can you help me figure out where I’m going wrong?
First of all, I’d like to say, good for you, for getting out there. Dating is a courageous act. To keep doing it when you feel like you’re not doing well is down right brave! Secondly, I’d prefer not to focus on what’s going wrong, because it’s anyone’s guess. Without a hidden camera and a microphone at this point, we might never know. Not to mention, you might be doing everything right, but now that you’ve come to expect a less than perfect result, that’s what you’re getting.
Secondly, I’d prefer not to focus on what’s going wrong, because it’s anyone’s guess. Without a hidden camera and a microphone at this point, we might never know. Not to mention, you might be doing everything right, but now that you’ve come to expect a less than perfect result, that’s what you’re getting.
Below are five first date rules. These rules can probably be modified and applied in your life generally for being very likeable and attractive on dates or anywhere else. These are easy tweaks that should make dating easier, and more fun, no matter what the outcome.
1. Ease up on the expectations by playing a different game. Ask yourself a question. Why are you on the marketing dating right now? Is it because you’re lonely. Is it because your clock is ticking and you’re husband shopping? Is it because you feel like you “should” be in a relationship?
The answer to that question should be, “I’m dating because I really dig men and I’m having a blast.” setting the intention to date for fun, allows you to be in the present moment with a guy and enjoy his company without worrying about what will or won’t happen next. Dating is always a numbers game. Most people date many, many people before finding “the one”. So, you may as well set your compass for fun and enjoy the process. Dating for dating sake needs to be enjoyable. If you can’t dial in on dating as a good time, you probably need to take a break for awhile.
2. Talk less, listen more. A first date is not a job interview. You shouldn’t be selling yourself or any of your great qualities on your first date. I’m sure you think you aren’t doing that. However, it can come off that way unconsciously very easily. So, make it a point to ask a lot of questions, and do a lot more listening than you do talking.
3. Avoid interviewing your date. While your job is to ask more questions and listen more, avoid asking the kind of questions that might make a person feel like they are being interviewed. We all know the hot button questions to avoid on a first date, and yet I’m amazed how often first date conversation drifts to marriage, kids, and ex’s anyway. Don’t do it. Keep the conversation, engaging. It’s not an inquisition.
4. Be the kind of woman a man can picture taking home to his mom. Basically, be classy, not sexy on a first date. I know all of this might sound super obvious, but when you’re nervous, it’s easy to let some obvious things slip. Be appropriate. Use your best manners. Keep your drinking to a minimum. Watch your language. Behave in a way that leaves you free and clear of any cringe-worthy moments you might regret.
5. Be your own good time. Don’t outsource your feel good. Don’t depend on your date or anyone else to show you a nice evening. You decide how you want to feel, and bring that to the date rather than waiting for someone else to deliver it. No one can actually make you feel confident, appreciated, or excited. So, if you want those things, bring them yourself. A woman who brings her own good time is very pleasant to be around. An easy smile is the best cosmetic.
*This reader letter has been shared with permission and names have been changed.
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Posted on 07/29/2013 at 12:00:00 AM