Can You Take Self-Acceptance Too Far? Not Quite Fan Mail from a Reader


Dear Lisa,

I’ve spent the last two hours on your blog and listening to some of your radio shows. I can tell you’re passionate about self-love and self-acceptance, and I applaud you for that, but as a guy, I have to tell you, I think maybe you’re encouraging women to take this self-love thing too far.

It seems to me like you’re telling women, if you’re fat, that’s okay. You’re telling women if they don’t like what they see when they look in the mirror, they should change the way they think about that rather than changing what they see in the mirror. That’s a nice platitude, but it’s not realistic and it might be unhealthy.

People need to evolve. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself. Telling women, or men for that matter that accepting themselves the way they are is the key to happiness seems irresponsible. It’s personal development snake oil.

I like a woman who takes care of herself and her body. I’m tired of listening to women who don’t put in the effort whine about being alone. If you want to be the Pied Piper of fat women in sweatpants, you’ve probably nailed your niche.

However, if you really want to help these women, you might want to quit selling personal development Kool-Aid and set up some sort of referral bonus with a gym.

Take it or leave it, but those are my thoughts.


Adam – who’s last name I’m not publishing


Dear Adam,

First of thanks for spending so much time on my blog and listening to my stuff. Kudos to you.

Secondly, I can tell you’re a guy who really cares about the wellbeing of women. So, let me tell you something I think might help you. No woman, or man for that matter, can hate themselves enough to become something beautiful. Self-loathing or even self-doubt just isn’t sexy. Nothing ever changes until you change your thoughts. Now that might sound like snake oil to you, but fortunately, I don’t care what you think and neither should any other woman.

Here’s what I’m tired of. I’m tired of men who think beauty can be found on an exercise bike at the gym. Frankly, I’m tired of women who think that too. What you don’t seem to understand is you’re the one who bought the snake oil, and you’re not alone. The advertising industry, and maybe Play Boy, has sold you a bill of digitally altered goods, that’s making them billions of dollars annually. Congrats to you for being a part of the machine. Someone has to keep it going. You’re doing your part.

The truth is this; a woman who loves herself isn’t hiding from her life on the sofa in sweatpants every day with a bag of Doritos in one hand and Twinkies in the other. A woman who loves herself is taking care of her body. She takes care of her body, not because she wants to be different, but because she loves who she is. She also takes care of her mind, her heart, and her soul. She is showing up bright and sparkly in her life, looking and feeling her best. However, you might not notice her because she’s not doing it for you. She’s doing it for her.

A woman who loves herself might look like a supermodel out of the pages of a magazine or she might look like the housewife down the street, who just rolled out of bed, fresh-faced and alive. She’s healthy no matter what her size. She’s bright, beautiful, and intelligent. However, she’s not really going to notice you, because she doesn’t give the time of day to anyone who’s looking only at her outsides, no matter how sexy her outsides look.

You’re right about one thing. Self-acceptance is not an excuse not to grow. However, a woman who accepts herself and loves herself won’t just grow, she will blossom. She will have the energy to unfold in the most beautiful ways because she’s not spending her energy trying to become something she’s not to please people like you who drank the Kool-Aid.

Best of luck to you finding a woman you want to be with for more than a couple of nights that you really like to look at. My hope is that when you do she’s someone you actually want to spend time with because you can’t put makeup on the parts of a woman that really matter.



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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

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