I hear it all the time. “I don’t want to do______________, because it will scare him away.”
I don’t want to come off as demanding or needy.
I don’t want him to think I’m pushing for a relationship.
I don’t want him to think I’m pursuing him too much.
And every time I hear those things, I cringe a little or a lot.
In an unofficial study of men, here is a script that will send nine out of ten men running for the hills, or at least slinking quietly out of your orbit.
“I don’t sleep with men who might be sleeping with other women. I’m not trying to force our relationship somewhere we aren’t yet. I’m not saying we have to be exclusive or nothing at all. I’m happy to date. I like spending time with you. I want to see where this goes. I’d love to snuggle on the sofa with you and watch a movie. However, I don’t have sex with men who would sleep with another woman if the right opportunity arose.”
A woman who’s afraid to say that for fear a man will feel pressured and take a hike is probably right. Maybe nine of ten men will book it out of there. And that’s a very, very good thing. That saves her from having nine pseudo relationships with a man who’s not in it to settle down.
The one in ten guy who respects that and isn’t afraid to step up is the ONE guy worth investing in if you’re looking for a committed relationship.
Here’s another one:
“I don’t do last minute plans. I don’t want to be an option; I want to be a priority. I don’t want to hang out; I want to date. I’m worth it for the man who invests in being with me.”
Although most women want to be a priority, the vast majority of women won’t say it because they don’t want to send him running. Again, maybe nine out of ten men freak and fly. That’s better than having nine relationship with a man who puts you somewhere between fifth and sixth on his priority list.
The one in ten guy who hears that message and respects it might just be a keeper.
I’m not suggesting talking about having kids on a first date. We know the difference between desperate and assertive. Desperate means I’m looking for someone else to make me happy. Assertive means I’m taking my own happiness seriously. There is an interesting tango between needy and vulnerable. Vulnerability is very sexy. It’s strong. Vulnerable is willing to lay her cards on the table and tell the truth about where she’s at.
I’m all for letting things take their course. However, pretending to play it super-cool hoping if you’re cool enough long enough, a person who’s not that into you, or not ready will come around is a recipe for disappointment.
People have a way of showing you who they are. If you’re telling the truth about who you are it makes it about 1000 times easier to figure out if you’re on the same page. Playing it casual when you don’t want it to be, is game playing. It’s manipulative. It’s dishonest.
Posted on 04/22/2016 at 12:00:00 AM