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If You Want a Man to Understand You, You Might Want to Communicate Less

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Yeah, you read that title right.

I read a lot of articles about what men want, written by women. Often times those articles read a lot like fantasy. Being generous, a lot of those articles are written about a more enlightened man-model than most men in the real world. It’s not that men are dogs or stupid. They aren’t. However, generally speaking, they just aren’t that complicated.

Men are much more black and white than women. We know that. They get lost in a lot of complicated emotional nuances. Women thrive in the grey areas. As a relationship coach who works with a lot of men, I get an unusual vantage point into the man brain. I get to see them at their most raw and vulnerable.

I get a front row seat while the wheels are turning. It’s an interesting seat, to say the least. Most of the time men are confused about women, and honestly, I don’t blame them. A lot of women think they can imply what they want by providing a lot of emotional information. Women don’t like to ask directly for what they really want, and that’ s a mistake.


Most of the time men are confused about women, and honestly, I don’t blame them. A lot of women think they can imply what they want by providing a lot of emotional information. Women don’t like to ask directly for what they really want, and that’ s mistake.

Women always ask me how they can get a man to listen to them. They want to know how they can communicate and be heard. Believe it or not, my advice is to communicate less. I know that sounds absurd, but it works a lot of the time.


Many studies have been done on men and women and their relationships to color. Most men have a color vocabulary that is tiny compared to a woman. Most women have at least twenty words to describe blue. Most men have six if they are stretching for it. The same applies to emotional vocabulary. Generally, men don’t have the nuances in their emotional range. That doesn’t make them retards, bastards, or villains. It makes them male.

Men get very overwhelmed by a lot of emotional information. They are wired to manage factual detail, not emotional nuance. When men are faced with too much emotional input, they shut down. They don’t do it on purpose. It just happens. Men need facts, not emotional data. Simply put, they don’t really want to know how you feel. That might not be what a woman wants to hear, but it’s true. The good news is men really do want to make their partners happy. Your man wants you to tell him how to make you happy, and if you don’t tell him, and you aren’t happy, it’s on you.

When I explain this to clients a lot of women accuse me of saying they need to dumb it down for men. That’s hardly it. I think the highest and most intelligent form of communication is concise.

When a man hears us repeating ourselves and emoting to make a point, the message gets lost in translation because it isn’t concise enough. If you want a man to understand you, make your point factually, not emotionally. Say less and make what you do say count.

I tell men all the time, women really want two things. They want to be understood and they want to be appreciated. Men are never going to succeed at the first thing on that list. A man is never going to fully understand a woman. So he better knock it out of the park in terms of appreciation.

However, you can make it easier for your man to understand what you want or need by telling him plainly and simply without over-justifying or explaining. A lot of women think they shouldn’t have to spell it out, which is why a lot of women are frustrated in their relationships with men a lot of the time.

We don’t really want men to be like women. We say we want men who are more emotional and softer around the edges, but studies have shown that’s not true. We want men who are strong and manly, and maybe even a little sweaty and rough around the edges.

However, in order to be in a relationship with a real “man” we have to be willing to do our part to get our needs met and that may very well mean letting go of the need to be understood. Being understood simply isn’t as important as you might think it is.

The reason we feel compelled to share a lot of emotional data is because we want to be understood, but a man is never really going to understand you, and that’s OK. He can still make you happy if he knows how.

If you want a man to really “hear” you, say fewer words and choose them wisely.

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Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.

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