There are few experiences in life more painful than having a spouse or spousal equivalent cheat. An affair is devastating on every level. Not only does it change everything you thought about your relationship, but it changes everything you think about yourself too. Too many times I’ve been asked the question, “can our relationship survive an affair?” it’s a question I’ve had to face head on personally.
The answer to that question is yes. With enough effort and energy, when both partners are willing to get in and do the work, any relationship can be saved from anything. However, can it be saved is not the most important question. The real question at the heart of the matter is this. Why would you want to save it?
When I ask that question of clients most of the time I get a variation on one or all of following answers.
We’ve invested too many years or too much money.
We love each other.
When I was facing the question in my own life, I would have tossed out all three and I would have been lying. The truth of the matter is most of the time when something as painful as an affair has happened and the person who was “wronged” wants to save the relationship it’s because they believe they will still be happier in the relationship than out of it. On some very deep level, that person feels like their best chance for happiness and survival is tied up in that relationship.
You can’t be in control of your own power or make empowered choices when your perceived happiness is solely dependent on the survival of a marriage or another person. I don’t know what a good enough reason to save a marriage after an affair is. All of that is intensely personal. I do know that doing it for the kids will fail and doing it because your happiness depends on it will not lead to being happy.
If you are making a decision like this in your life get honest with yourself. If you believe that if you have to save this relationship or you will be alone forever because there’s no one else or because no one else will love you, stop dead in your tracks. I’m not saying you have to end it. I am saying you need to get straight with yourself first before you proceed. Being alone is far better than being miserable together. Self-love and self-respecthave to come before reconciliation and healing.
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Posted on 10/17/2012 at 03:30:00 AM